Archive for June, 2010
SATURDAY
* The front page features someone dressed up as a Redcoat next to the gigantic headline IT’S WAR! (in outlined block letters). The IT’S is filled in with the American flag, the WAR! with the Union Jack. This refers to both Obama and England “butting heads over BP and the Gulf oil spill” and the US vs. England World Cup match today (SPOILER: The final score was 1-1). “It’s the Revolutionary War, Round 2.” is the article’s first sentence (thus guaranteeing that all members of the Tea Party bought as many copies as their Social Security checks allowed). The article goes on to claim that Spike Lee urged members of the US soccer team to wear t-shirts with “BP Sucks” written on them. Which is only fair, since most British audiences went to see Inside Man wearing “She Hate Me and Bamboozled and Get on the Bus and Girl 6 and Crooklyn Sucked” t-shirts.
* January Jones (Mad Men’s Betty Draper and also the woman who almost single-handedly destroyed Saturday Night Live) got into a car accident on Thursday night. She was “trying to escape paparazzi when she clipped three parked cars.” So, she did what any complete moron would do: She got out of her car and walked away. Well played, January.
* Laurence Sunderland, the father of the 16-year-old solo sailor (Abby, who once was lost but now am found), has four kids: Zac (who solo-sailed the world at age 17), Abby, Toby (12) and Jessie (11). Does the almost-death of Abby give him any regrets? “If Toby and Jessie proved themselves to have the strength of character and are skilled enough to undertake an endeavor like this, I would definitely consider it.” I guess that’s a no.
* The gored bullfighter gets a(nother) full-page encore on page 4.
* Kanye West’s protégé, Kid Cudi (real name: Scott Mescudi), got into an argument with his girlfriend yesterday and wound up “trashing” her apartment “while carrying drug gear.” Which is why he was charged with “criminal mischief and possession of a controlled substance.” I have a feeling he won’t be doing any time over this.
* To protest the MTA’s plan to stop providing free student MetroCards, students at 23 schools around the city walked out of class at noon on Friday. Ironically enough, leaving high school early virtually guarantees them cushy jobs at the MTA.
* Remember retired Detective Joseph Tesoriere? He was at Plum Beach (“a tiny sliver of Gateway National Park known for horseshoe crabs and gay hookups”) when he called a male undercover Parks Service ranger over to him and started fondling himself. Well, Magistrate Judge Ramon Reyes Jr. just ruled that, because his genitals were “obscured by waist-high vegetation,” Tesoriere isn’t guilty of public lewdness. Take note, local perverts!
* Sarah Haines of Mount Olive, New Jersey went on a vacation for almost a week, during which time she got married. But her 12-year-old wasn’t invited and had to stay at home. By herself. Haines is being held on $100,000 bail and faces child-endangerment charges. As tragic as this story is, it’s still more enjoyable than Home Alone 3.
* Personal Seat Licenses are great. Who wouldn’t want to pay thousands of dollars just for the privilege of buying tickets to a football game (which are also ridiculously expensive)? Most fans, that’s who. The Jets are now slashing their prices in half on their unsold PSLs (18,000 in total, costing them [assuming they all sell at these reduced prices] $47,250,000). The Giants (playing at the same stadium) have sold all but 1,500 of their PSLs and have no plans to reduce the prices on what they have left. I’m not sure, but I think this means that Giants fans are either more loyal or less intelligent than Jets fans. Or both.
* Debrahlee Lorenzana is thinking about forming Women Against Sexual Harassment (WASH). I wonder if you’ll need cartoonishly large implants to join.
* According to Page Six (today on page 10), the matchmaker that the Post recently profiled (Richard Easton) wasn’t being 100% truthful with them. In addition to having two domestic-violence convictions on his criminal record (how’d they miss that?), he’s also 54 years old (he told the Post he was 44, and why would they, you know, verify information?). When Page Six serves as your ombudsman (on the same page as an article about how porn star Jenna Jameson might be divorcing the man who beats her, and another aticle where Kelly Osbourne describes her current bathroom problems ["There are tree roots growing into our plumbing, and there is shit coming out of the bathtub. It's so disgusting."]), you’re a phenomenally awful newspaper.
* Lady Gaga explains why she flipped the bird(s) at the Mets game: “A middle finger is more New York than a corporate ambush. I bleed for my hometown and I’d die for my fans… I guess I’m just a Bronx cheer kind of girl.” The Mets have since apologized to Jerry Seinfeld for moving Lady Gaga to his vacant luxury box without his permission. Seinfeld’s spokesman responded, “The Seinfelds take an optimistic view of Lady Gaga’s gesture as a sign that she wants the Mets to be in first place as badly as they do.” Fun Fact: Lady Gaga is a die-hard Yankees fan.
* A man in Gilbert, Arizona placed an ad on Craigslist offering an iPod and some marijuana in exchange for an iPad. He was arrested shortly after the ad was posted. Maybe Bill Maher was right — maybe Arizona is the stupidest state in America. Though I don’t understand how South Carolina avoided being in the final eight.
* On page 16, there’s a small article about how Russia has announced that they will “freeze a delivery of S-300 missiles to Iran as a result of extended UN sanctions against Tehran.” On page 18, there’s an editorial about how the new UN sanctions will yield no results. This is a really really terrible newspaper.
* Brett Gardner has been diagnosed with “a Grade 1 sprain of his left thumb.” Jorge Posada has been doing catching drills again. The Yankees won and Tampa Bay lost. If the same thing happens today, we tie for 1st in the AL East (SPOILER: Jeter hit 2 home runs and Posada hit a grand slam today, helping us beat the Astros 9-3). In last night’s game, Andy Pettitte recorded a couple of milestones: 1) He became the only active pitcher to reach 3,000 career innings (besides Philadelphia’s Jamie Moyer who has 3,981 — I think he’s 68 years old); 2) He got his 200th win as a Yankee (only Whitey Ford [236] and Rod Ruffing [231] have more).
* A federal appeals court has ruled that prosecutors in Barry Bonds’ perjury trial “may not present positive urine samples and other vital evidence that the government says shows that the slugger knowingly used steroids.” What about his enormous head? Can they submit that into evidence?
* Following the lack of success that The Tudors enjoyed, Showtime is making The Borgias starring Joanne Whalley (as Vanossa) and Jeremy Irons (as Rodrigo).
* NBC will tape a D.L. Hughley-hosted game show pilot called Who’s Bluffing Who? where contestants have to bluff in order to get a shot at the $500,000 grand prize. As mediocre as that idea sounds, it’s brilliant in comparison to ABC’s Trust Me, I’m A Game Show Host where contestants “try to spot which of two hosts are lying.”
* Linda Stasi adored the Golf Channel’s original documentary, Caddy For Life: The Bruce Edwards Story. “You don’t have to be a golfer or even a fan to love golf legend Bruce Edwards… Grab that little towel off the side of your golf bag — you’re going to need it to sop up the tears.” She gives it three stars.
* The Best Bets: What’s on Tonight sidebar next to the TV listings gives viewers three of the evening’s highlights. Tonight they list Catch Me If You Can and Back to the Future (each featured under the headline MOVIE) and Lewis Black: Stark Raving Black, which is under the headline SKETCH. I’m sure Michael Starr is responsible.
SUNDAY
WORLD CUP SHOCKER
USA WINS 1-1
Greatest tie against the British since Bunker Hill
Did you see the goal that the US “scored” in yesterday’s match? The ball went into the palms of their goalie, then out, then (slooooowly) into their goal. Bunker Hill? More like Buckner Hill (see what I did there?). And I can appreciate that tying one of the favorite teams is to be considered an achievement, but a victory? The Post claims to have interviewed folks who were watching the game in Astoria, Queens, and Shane Hoback, 35 (“who drove 15 hours from hometown Lima, Ohio, to watch the game in the Big Apple”), had this to say: “1776, one to zero. Now it’s two to zero.” Teresa? Cross Lima, Ohio off the list.
“A growing number of girls are reaching puberty before the age of 10 — raising fears of increased sexual activity among a new generation of children. The phenomenon, which may be linked to obesity or exposure to chemicals in the food chain, is also increasing the long-term risk of breast cancer.”
I’ve written four punchlines combining Monsanto and mons pubis and I’m not happy with any of them. So how about… I blame Telemundo?
The gored bullfighter only gets half of page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, which is on page 12 today). This is what passes for tact at the New York Post.
Flash floods in Arkansas have killed at least 18 people (including six children), with almost two dozen more still missing. Apparently, God is not happy about Blanche Lincoln winning the Democratic primary.
Joran van der Sloot is reportedly worried that he will be brutally murdered by his fellow inmates in the Peruvian jail he’s being held in. I’m worried that he won’t be.
An ex-model was allegedly “choked and raped on the rooftop terrace of the ritzy SoHo penthouse owned by powerhouse couple Campion and Tatiana Platt.” The alleged assailant’s name? John Thomas.
Bonus points: Mr. Thomas, 30, has “at least 40 arrests on his rap sheet.”
After whining that Obama isn’t doing/emoting enough, the Post gives the bottom-left corner of page 9 to Haggling over spilt guilt, which (very) briefly reports Obama’s demand that “BP must pay ‘tens of thousands’ of economic claims from the Gulf oil spill.” Turn the page, and Michael Goodwin’s OBAMA’S ‘GET MAD’ FAD chastises the POTUS for his recent acquiescencing to the wishes of the general public. “He suddenly seems to have adopted a policy of responding instantly and directly to public criticism. It’s almost as though he’s following orders to regain lost credibility.”
It’s almost as if Goodwin is paying attention to current events without filtering them through forgone conclusions. Almost.
Jenny McCarthy has a development deal with Oprah Winfrey’s Harpo Productions.
Oprah already produces at least one idiot who fancies themself a doctor; it’ll be nice to see one without a mustache.
“Germany is demanding the extradition of an alleged Mossad spy arrested in Poland for his connection to the hit-squad slaying of Hamas agent Mahmoud al-Mabhouh in Dubai in January.”
Hey, Poland? You gonna let Germany tell you what to do? Again?
“An enraged Arkansas man arguing with his inebriated son tossed a gun to the kid and dared him to ‘pull the trigger’ — and was shot dead.” The kid (Zachary Bowers, 22) was arrested and charged with murder.
I’m starting to understand how Blanche Lincoln won her primary.
The fishing-boat captain who rescued Abby Sunderland almost died while doing so — he was thrown from the dinghy he was approaching Abby in, but managed to grab onto the dinghy’s ladder.
If he had died, I wonder if Laurence Sunderland would’ve been any closer to understanding why this was a terrible idea. Prolly not.
Serious crime in Central Park is up 52% from 2009.
In a related story, Teresa saw someone masturbating in Prospect Park the other day. Luckily, she didn’t recognize me. I mean him.
On page 22, there’s a photo of Obama with his recent quote, “We talk to (experts)… so I know whose ass to kick.”
Immediately below it (seemingly in response) is Why experts are usually wrong by David H. Freeman (author of Wrong: Why Experts Keep Failing Us — and How to Know When Not to Trust Them), which includes the questionable factoid, “As much as 90% of medical knowledge has been gauged to be substantially or completely wrong.”
I’m assuming he’s referring to all medical knowledge (dating back to the dawn of time). And that he’s trying to sell his book through fear.
Divorces go gray discusses “gray divorce” which “is newly common” (1.1 million men and 1.5 million women in the 60-64 age group are newly divorced).
“The trend is so emergent that the US Census Bureau may undertake its own study.” They better not come to my house. Fox News told me I have the right to shoot them and I totes will.
Peggy Noonan answers her own question in her ARE WE SAFE? NO: Terror failure of O’s administration. Is it worth your time (or the time I spent reading it)? No.
The editorial O’s True Gulf Goof mocks Obama for demanding that BP compensate “the people in the Gulf — the fishermen, the hotel owners, families who are dependent for their livelihoods in the Gulf.”
“It’s a bizarre notion, and probably legally unsustainable.”
Yeah, fuck him for trying to hold BP accountable. Also, he’s not doing enough. Also also, when he is, it’s just for show.
Matthew Lynn’s BP: Give it up, get mean is not what you think it is. Unlike most other media, Lynn isn’t telling Obama to get mean, he’s suggesting that BP “should tell the US, and everybody in it, to go take a hike. In reality, the US is guilty of the most appaling hypocrisy.”
“The average American consumer now hates BP and isn’t about to change that opinion for a generation or more.So BP should just hire the nastiest, meanest lawyers that money can buy… Fight every lawsuit. Refuse every claim above the bare minimum.”
Matthew Lynn is either our generation’s Jonathan Swift or a total asshole. Or both.
Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson got married only two years ago? Really? How did I miss that?
Anyhoodles, they will serve as King Neptune and Queen Mermaid in this year’s Mermaid Parade at Coney Island.
ASK ASHLEY! (only two letters this week)
I’ve been happily married for 15 years. Like most couples, we’ve had some issues in our sex life, but we’ve overcome them. Recently, as the weather’s gotten warmer, my wife — for the first time in our marriage! — has begun coming to bed in the nude. Not only do I like it, I LOVE it! The problem is that it’s hard for me to just roll over and go to sleep when there’s this amazingly beautiful, naked woman lying just inches from me. I feel the need to make love to her every night (and morning!). But given the dynamics of our lives, I know that’s not feasible. How do I tell her this without blowing it? The last thing I want to do is make her self-conscious about it — or worse, have her start coming to bed clothed again! — “Got the Fever” on Long Island
ASHLEY: “As I see it, you don’t have to tell your wife that you enjoy her being naked. She’ll know by your cuddling and rubbing her back as she falls asleep — while controlling Mr. Woody as much as you can. She’ll feel safe, desired, loved — and less apt to put her clothes back on — and will participate in sexy time when the time is right and you’ve put in the effort to make her feel secure.”
ME: “You can’t look at your wife naked without needing (not wanting, but needing) to have sex with her? The hooker finds that romantic. I find it a heartbeat away from the mindset of a rapist. Either masturbate in the shower before bed or sign up for chemical castration.”
I went on a handful of dates with this one guy who I really like. I’m not sure where it’s headed, but I’m having fun. We’re not committed, so I go on other dates, too, and I went on one with another guy who really likes me — a lot. Do you think I should tell him that I’m also dating other people? — Aaron, 28, Chelsea
ASHLEY: “Absolutely not! It’s none of his business.”
ME: “Yes.”
Tampa Bay wound up winning last night, so we’re still one game back in the AL East. The 8-1 Phil Hughes will pitch today against Houston’s Brian Moehler (the Post says he’s 0-2 with an ERA of 6.12, but OddsShark.com says he’s 0-1 with an ERA of 8.36 — either way, my money’s on the Yanks).
Marcus Thames left yesterday’s game after the fourth inning with a strained right hamstring. The Yankees didn’t notice until the top of the seventh.
Vazquez’s win yesterday marks the first time since 1939 that the Yankees have five pitchers with six wins each (after only 62 games). Sweet.
Today is the first annual Dog Court picnic. I’ve been coaching them for a little over a year and I couldn’t ask for five nicer guys to work with (Liz Varner moved back to Atlanta and is sorely missed, but the remaining 80% has beautifully picked up the slack in her absence). The weather is beautiful, we’ve got some fresh baguettes, cold cuts, a slightly over-done apple cake (oops) and a day of relaxing and bonding. And we’ll cap it off with another visit to the Inferno at the Magnet (9:30 p.m.). Will we get our fourth consecutive victory? Or will we lose for the second time in 12 attempts? Come and find out!
I just had a Monday Sundae from the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck. That is not a euphemism. It’s an ice cream cone lined with Nutella and filled with vanilla and chocolate soft serve topped with whipped cream, dulce de leche and sea salt. I probably gained 12 pounds, but it was definitely worth it.
As for today’s video, guess who started their own production company called DumbDumb. Did you guess Jason Bateman and Will Arnett? You did? That’s… kind of scary. But you’re right.
Anyhoodles, while we wait for the Arrested Development movie that may never come, we can enjoy the first DumbDumb project: an ad for Orbit gum.
Enjoy your weekend, kids!
While she’s certainly better-looking than Rex Ryan, today’s shameful cover features Lady Gaga (in her bra) flipping off the crowd at yesterday’s Mets-Padres game (with both hands!). Apparently, she was given front-row seats at the game (she showed up during the fifth inning) and freaked out when she realized that there were photographers nearby. So they ave her Jerry Seinfeld’s (vacant) luxury box. Her friend insists that she wasn’t flipping off the crowd, but the photographers who (by photographing her) “were messing up the game for everyone else.”
And beneath that cover story is a smaller cover story: GRAVE SHAME. According to the US Army, “more than 200 graves have been mislabeled or bodies misplaced at Arlington National Cemetery.” The actual number is 211. The only thing more infuriating than that is the fact that this wasn’t today’s lead (Lady Gaga’s follow-up is on all of page 3, this story’s follow-up is on most of page 5).
On the bus two days ago, I noticed a Daily News story regarding Debrahlee Lorenzana and her appearance on a Discovery Health TV show in 2003 — Plastic Surgery New York Style. The Post still hasn’t picked up on this story. If you have 9 minutes to kill, watch her appearance and see why I expect her case to be thrown out of court.
Why is Marc Anthony (J. Lo’s ugly husband) the king of this Sunday’s Puerto Rican Day Parade? Because the original choice, actor Osvaldo Rios, dropped out after it was revealed that he had a domestic-violence conviction in 2003.
Which doesn’t meet the event’s minimum misogyny requirements.
SOLO-SAIL GIRL IS LOST AT SEA is a 2-page spread on Abby Sunderland, 16, who is sailing across the world (by herself) in a 40-foot boat. Her brother, Zac, did the same thing when he was 17. Their parents are idiots.
What’s funny is that I read last night about how she’s been found alive and well (though the mast had broken off). But I guess it would have been too much of a pain in the ass for the Post to amend their 2-page spread with an update that negated their headline.
There’s that ad with the bullfighter again on page 8. I wonder if they’ll switch it to Lady Gaga flipping the bird in future ads.
AshleyMadison.com is a Web site where married folks can go to schedule affairs with other married folks (or, um, so I’ve been told). Their home page boasts “over 6,205,000 anonymous members” and their tagline is “LIFE IS SHORT. HAVE AN AFFAIR.” They just offered $25,000,000 ($5,000,000 a year for the next five years) for the naming rights to the new Meadowlands stadium where the Jets and Giants will play.
That’s one way to get Michael Strahan, Tiki Barber and Lawrence Taylor to return, I guess.
The Taliban in Afghanistan hung a 7-year-old boy who the suspected of being a spy. It’s enough to make you want to declare war on them.
According to the Post, Harry Reid is trailing Sharron Angle by 11 points.
Do some research into Angle’s positions and beliefs (she backs Scientology’s proposed prison reforms, for example). That’ll give you a clearer indication of just how despised Harry Reid is by his constituents.
In a related story, the Post reminds you of their incredibly partisan stance. Blumenthal slips in poll explains that Richard Blumenthal (he’s the Connecticut Democrat running for the Senate) was leading Linda McMahon 56 to 31 on May 27th. But a more recent poll shows that its now a 55 to 35 lead.
He went from 56 to 55? That’s quite a slip! He’s in real trouble! We’re a horrible newspaper!
Joran van der Sloot has told police tht he can (and will) lead them to the corpse of Natalee Holloway.
Fun Fact: He has the phrase “no worries” written in Thai on his left breast. I hope he kept his receipt.
Crude oil is now up to $75.48/barrel.
I am a genius.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Kyle Smith gives one and a half stars to The Karate Kid (“HONEY, THEY JUNKED THE ‘KID’”), two stars to Winter’s Bone (“Hick flees, so daughter hunts for pa prints”), and one and a half stars to Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky (“Chanel change: Eau no”).
Lou Lumenick gives three and a half stars to Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (“The mouth that roars”), and two stars to The A-Team (“Pity the fool who sees this”).
V.A. Musetto gives two stars to Gangster’s Paradise (violence, drug use), two stars to The Lottery (mature themes) and three stars to the celebrity-studded documentary Reel Injun (nothing objectionable). Hopefully there will be some new movies with Asian breasts in them next week, V.A.
In the absence of Pete Hammond, Jeff Craig (of Sixty Second Preview… whatever that is) calls The A-Team “A total blast! Perfect summer entertainment.” And he calls The Karate Kid “Exhilirating. A hugely enjoyable knockout of a movie. You’ll stand up and cheer.”
Tampa Bay finally lost! Tampa Bay finally lost! But so did the Yankees (they managed 3 runs on just 4 hits). Sigh. Jeter reached base in his 28th straight game, which is the season record thus far. So there’s that. But then A-Rod left the game after the fist inning due to pain in his supposedly-healed hip.
The 7-1 Andy Pettitte will pitch tonight against Houston (his former team!).
Go Yanks.
Tonight is the season finale of Real Time with Bill Maher. Boo.
The weekend begins in a few hours. There is no Let’s Have A Ball show tomorrow, but I will be re-joining Dog Court for the Inferno at the Magnet Theater on Sunday night at 9:30. That will be your only chance to see me perform… this week…
Enjoy your weekend, kiddies!
Remember when this awful newspaper recommended that everyone buy BP stock? They called it a “summer bargain” and, despite the fact that the company may have single-handedly ruined the planet, encouraged people to buy stock in them. And yesterday, as a reward for all of the scrupulous scruple-less folks who listened to the Post, BP’s stock lost $17,000,000,000 of its value. That 17 billion in one day.
On April 20th, its stock was at $60.48. Yesterday it closed at $29.20. That’s roughly a $100,000,000,000 loss to its shareholders in six weeks.
Word on the street is that this could spell the end of BP. And while part of me is is overjoyed at that prospect, another part of me fears its demise — if they declare bankruptcy and close up shop, will we have any chance of getting reimbursed for the worst (and wholly preventable) environmental disaster in history?
The wife of 77-year-old Larry King (Shawn King, 50) overdosed on prescription drugs on May 28th in the hopes of killing herself (she left notes indicating it was suicide and that she wanted to be buried in Utah). She is currently recovering and remains married to the creepy old man who slept with her sister.
Hey, Post? Does your New York Post Pix app offer any other photos besides the bullfighter whose throat is being gored? Because I just turned the page and (for the third consecutive day) saw the incredibly disturbing photo and I was wondering if it’s the only one in your archive.
Also, I can’t wait for the next time you feign indignation at some other media outlet (*cough* Oprah *cough* MSNBC *cough*) for showing graphic images.
Pedro Espada and his almost-as-despicable pal, Sen. Ruben Diaz Sr., have backed down from their throat to shut down the state government after “Governor” Paterson rebuked them. “I’m not going to respond to any threats, any thug activity,” he said to what he hoped was a crowd of reporters. “I’m not going to respond to any blackmail in that respect.”
“Not counting this response,” he presumably continued.
Syed Hashmi, 30, has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for “helping [to] send waterproof socks, ponchos and sleeping bags to al Qaeda insurgents in Afghanistan.”
Oh, Syed. You should’ve beaten your infant step-child to death with a hairbrush or beat and set fire to your son! Those crimes come with much lighter sentences!
According to Joran van der Sloot’s confession, immediately after he killed Stephany Flores, he sat on his bed and sipped espresso and had some dessert (Van der Sloot: As mangled Stephany lay dead at foot of my bed, I ate cake).
“As blood oozed from her head — and as one of her eyes dangled out of a socket — he ate four sponge cakes.”
As to why Flores would agree to go back to this scumbag’s room at 5:30 in the morning, van der Sloot admits that he slipped a date-rape drug into her drink at the casino. When she complained that she didn’t feel well, he offered to take her back to his room to recuperate.
Once there, he tried to sleep with her, but “she rebuffed him by saying she was a lesbian” (that sounds like his side of the story… shame we’ll never hear hers) and they slept until 8:00 a.m. (after an exhausting night and a roofie, I also enjoy a good two hours of sleep). Van der Sloot left to get espresso and sponge cakes and, when he returned, realized that Flores had looked at his laptop. At which point he had no choice but to fatally beat her.
Lock this “man” in a featureless cube and let him slowly starve to death.
John Franzese Jr. has made history.
Yesterday he fingered his father in court (I apologize for any misleading visuals that that phrase might manufacture). He had worn a wire (for the FBI) to help implicate his father (John Franzese Sr.).
If I were Mrs. Franzese Jr., I’d take out a biiiiiiiiiiiiig life-insurance policy on my husband. Immediately.
According to Page Six (today on page 16), Donald Trump has approached Lindsay Lohan to appear as a contestant on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice. What a great idea.
As for her SCRAM bracelet going off at the MTV Movie Awards, she insists (on Twitter, of course) that it was “physically impossible” for the device to have been set off by her activities because “I’ve been more than I’m compliance [sic].” Sounds drunk to me.
Star Jones is writing a roman à clef about a daytime talk show (and its panel of women) called The Lunch Club.
I wonder if one of the characters is a talentless fat woman who marries a homosexual, has her stomach stapled, divorces and then disappears into obscurity until she writes a book that no one cares about.
South Carolina Democrats nominated Alvin Greene as their candidate for the Senate, even though Greene didn’t campaign. No signage, no ads — it looks like Mr. Greene added his name to the ballot and did nothing else.
Now we learn that Greene faces up to five years in prison for “disseminating, procuring or promoting obscenity.” Why (and also how) did an unemployed veteran pay $10,400 to run for office and then not do any campaigning? Hmmm…
The pendulum has swung back over to South Carolina — it is once again my least favorite state (and congratulations to anti-Semite Jim DeMint on his impending re-election!).
In 2004, Velma Craig was fired from her job as a safety officer at a school in Brooklyn after she refused to wear her new ID card — because it had a computer chip in it and also fingerprints, which she called “the mark of the beast.” She sued the city and the NYPD for religious discrimination. She won. Yesterday, a judge decided her monetary award: $1.00.
If I was the judge, the award would have been $6.66.
114,000 iPad users fell victim to a “security hole on AT&T’s Web site” that made their e-mails public.
I hope the owners of the iPad Supreme Edition were among them (if there are any).
The Yankees won again (the back page headline is O SO EASY, but we trailed 2-0 after 3 [and 2-1 after 5] and finished 4-2… hardly an “easy” win [especially when you consider Baltimore's three errors]), but so did Tampa Bay. We’re still 2 games back.
One last game against Baltimore tonight (we’ve won our last 10 games against them — can we win #11?) followed by three against Houston (24-36).
Congratulations to all of my Chicago friends who care about hockey.
Fans of Jersey Shore clones rejoice! Party Down South has sent out casting notices for Southerners to “Holler if You’re Blue Collar” and visit their “casting RV” as it travels through states like Arkansas and Alabama.
“Screw sipping champagne, let’s make it a six-pack summer!” blurts the press release before passing out on the lawn.
Fun fact: The casting company behind Party Down South (Doron Ofir) is also casting Wicked Summer (Jersey Shore in Massachusetts) and Persian Version (Persian Jersey Shore set in Beverly Hills).
And may God have mercy on their souls.
Weekend’s less than 30 hours away. Peace out.
How the FBI’s 25G funded van der Sloot Peruvian death trip
FATAL BLUFF
According to the Post, the FBI paid Joran van der Sloot $25,000 in exchange for information about Natalee Holloway (they were building an extortion case against him). This is the money he used to take his trip to Peru where he murdered Stephany Flores. Holloway’s mother was assured that van der Sloot would be arrested before he left Aruba, but they “didn’t promptly file charges against him” allowing him to travel freely. A US Attorney spokeswoman explained why van der Sloot wasn’t charged sooner (like, maybe, right after he took money in exchange for information regarding Holloway’s current whereabouts) thusly: “We did not obtain an arrest warrant until we had sufficient evidence to support the charges.”
If I was Stephany’s father, I would be suing the FBI for $1,000,000,000.
Three years after his arrest for gun possession, a judge has scheduled a trial date for Ja Rule: August 18th.
Ja Rule was not in court when this decision was made, as he is currently filming a movie in Los Angeles. His attorney warned the judge that Ja (real name: Jeff Atkins) might not be able to make that court date because of his busy filming and touring schedule.
Justice is blind (and apparently enjoys the rap musics).
Great news! That Indonesian 2-year-old who smokes two entire packs of cigarettes every day? He’s down to just 15!
Even better? According to this horrible newspaper, that means he’s “managed to cut back by nearly 40 percent.” That’s right, folks. Not 62.5% (like those liberal elitists want you to think), but nearly 40%!
Palin ‘12!
Christina is Lady Gag-gag features a photo of Christina Aguilera at her concert (which aired on Today) “looking like a cross between a granny and a tranny.”
There’s also a small ad for the New York Post Pix app (the larger ad — with that gored bullfighter! — is on page 10).
Espada’s new plot for doom warns that Pedro Espada, the guy who helped shut down our state government for weeks (one year ago today!), is threatening to do it again.
That this criminal is still in a position of power is disgusting. That he is once again threatening to hold the entire state hostage is inexcusable. Someone needs to put this scumbag in prison. Immediately.
A 350-pound Long Island man was flying to the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas when he had a heart attack and died. Paul “Smalls” Kitsos, 55, required four policemen to remove his body from the plane.
That’s why they call it being morbidly obese.
“The MTA awarded a $28.6 million contract to a Spanish company that hatched a fraudulent scheme to lowball its projected profits, a whistleblower suit filed yesterday charges.”
Well done, MTA.
According to Page Six (today on page 17), Jennifer Aniston’s new movie (Horrible Bosses) includes a scene where “her character breaks a nail while pleasuring herself.” I was all set to write this movie off as terrible, but then I noticed that the other cast members include Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day.
Damn it. I think I’m seeing a Jennifer Aniston movie in 2011.
Did you know that there are “crush lists” posted in display cases in the halls of Stuyvesant High School under a banner that reads “I’d tap that”? The Department of Education call the lists inappropriate, but the school still hasn’t removed them.
That’s a really good school.
The Yankees won (although 12-7 is a far closer game than it had any right to be), thanks (in part) to Curtis Granderson’s grand slam. Sadly, so did Tampa Bay. So we’re still 2 games back. Hughes is now 8-1.
Sabathia is pitching tonight.
Some TV shows currently being remade: Hawaii Five-O, The Defenders, La Femme Nikita (now titled Nikita), and Alien Nation.
And speaking of travesties of justice, Charlie Sheen’s plea deal is off. He was supposed to serve 30 days in jail with “up to 12 hours each day” spent out of jail working with Theatre Aspen, a local community theater. But you can’t smoke in the theater space, so Charlie has turned it down.
Next court date: July 12th.
Good luck to Dog Court as they compete this evening in Cash Test Dummies at the Brick Theater in Williamsburg. More info is here. I encourage all of you to attend and vote for them.
See you tomorrow.
Van der Sloot:
WHY I KILLED HER
Confesses to Peru gal’s slay
“I did not want to do it. The girl intruded into my private life.”
The Alternate Spelling Killer alleges that Stephany Flores “grabbed his laptop and learned about his connection to [Natalee] Holloway’s disappearance.” Which makes me wonder if there’s a folder on his desktop titled PEOPLE I’VE KILLED.
If you think about it, Joran is kinda sorta blaming Holloway for Flores’ murder. He’s just that classy.
Also on the cover is a photo of the new iPhone (Meet the new iPhone) with a follow-up on page 3 (APPLE GIVES ITS FANS AN i-FULL). The piece goes to great lengths to explain why this iPhone is better than all of its predecessors (“thinner, chock full of new goodies and with a stronger battery,” “a second microphone that cancels outside noise”). And the bottom of the page makes it clear why the Post has put this fawning advertorial on the third page of today’s paper.
iPad app keeps you Posted on world’s best photos is a 10-paragraph piece on the new New York Post Pix application for the iPhone (“New York Post Pix is our first app — but it won’t be the last. Our entire newspaper is coming to the iPad soon… The Post is coming to the iPad. We’re ready — are you?”).
But it gets better. Page 4 is a full-page, full-color ad for New York Post Pix. It features an iPad with the picture of that bullfighter with a bull’s horn in his throat (and the tip sticking out of his mouth). Page 9 features a photo of a woman sunbathing on a beach in Alabama while wearing a gas mask. Next to the photo is yet another ad for the New York Post Pix app (“Get great pics like this on your iPad with New York Post Pix” “Go to the iTunes App Store and download our FREE Pix App today!”). This is the first time they mention it’s free, which is odd.
There’s a photo on page 66 of Robinson Cano smiling as he tosses a baseball bat to the ground. The same ad from page 9 is floating over his shoulder.
This is a very classy newspaper.
Clifton Quarles (a security guard at a group home in the Bronx) was walking down the street on January 7, 2009 (while carrying his funeral suit, as his father was being buried the following day) when an undercover cop dressed as a prostitute offered him a blowjob for $10. He chuckled and walked on. Then he was arrested and charged with soliciting a prostitute.
He wasn’t able to make it to the funeral, as he was incarcerated. The police eventually dismissed the charges (on December 2, 2009 — the day before his trial was to begin). Quarles just settled his false-arrest suit for… $40,000.
His attorney, Christopher Galiardo, is an idiot.
“Chase bank will lose ample assets if it cans the ‘too hot’ Debrahlee Lorenzana. Customers at the bank’s Williamsburg, Brooklyn, [sic] branch sid yesterday that they’d take their business elsewhere if Chase fires her for talking about her lawsuit against her previous employer [sic] Citibank.”
“‘It’s bad and it’s not fair. She should be allowed to talk, and if Chase fires her, I will stop banking with them,’ said Annie Borow, 79, of Bushwick.”
Besides the 79-year-old (who probably won’t be banking with anyone for much longer), how many customers have voiced support for Lorenzana? Surprisingly, the Post doesn’t provide that information (SarcMark).
Those new express buses on the East Side? They won’t have those time-consuming MetroCard readers on them. Instead, passengers “are being trusted to buy tickets before they board in order to speed up the process.” And who will be checking to make sure passengers aren’t riding for free? “Enforcement will be left up to a special MTA team, which has just 30 members.”
And if one of these 30 people happens to catch a fare-beater (in between their daily naps), they’ll issue a “$100 summons for the MTA’s Transit Adjudication bureau court.”
I can’t forsee any problems with this business model (SarcMark).
Lindsay Lohan’s court-ordered alcohol-detecting anklet started beeping at the MTV Movie Awards after-party. According to a witness, Lohan “didn’t seem fazed whatsoever. I mean it was very obvious. She was just hanging out, acting like it was totally fine.”
Sounds like she was on drugs.
STINKS WORSE THAN KATRINA DID claims that “69 percent of Americans gave a thumbs-down to the government’s response to the Gulf oil spill — an even higher number than those who disapproved of how Hurricane Katrina was handled in 2005, according to a poll released yesterday.”
Of those polled, “Seventy-three percent said the spill was a major ‘disaster.’” I sincerely hope that the other 27% were being sarcastic.
Page Six (today on page 10) informs us that Paris Hilton is now totally BFFs with Snooki and J-Woww from Jersey Shore. That will undoubtedly result in a new super-strain of venereal disease that will take scientists decades to accurately identify.
And how does the Post announce Helen Thomas’ resignation? With a small two-paragraph piece on the bottom corner of page 12 titled W.H. crone resigns.
If there was an award ceremony for being classy, the Post would sweep every year.
Chrysler is recalling almost 600,000 minivans and Jeep Wranglers in the US (and another 100,000 in other countries) because of “brake or wiring problems.”
Last week they recalled “nearly 35,000 Dodge Calibers and a limited number of Jeep Compasses… to fix a potential problem with sticky gas pedals.”
Seven former Union Carbide employees were convicted by a court in India of “death by negligence” for their roles in the 1984 gas tragedy that “left an estimated 15,000 people dead more than a [sic] 25 years ago in the world’s worst industrial disaster.” Their sentences? Two years in prison and a $2,175 fine (each). Union Carbide was also ordered to pay a fine: $10,870 (that’s less than $1.00 per casualty).
Good to see our country isn’t the only one with a terrible judicial system.
Two men. One is 55, the other is 75. Which is dumber?
Edward Callahan, 55, went into the Chase bank on Columbus and 72nd Street yesterday. He tried to rob it by saying he had a bomb and brandishing an old television remote (which the tellers assumed was hooked up to said bomb). Police apprehended him shortly thereafter — he had no bomb.
OR
Draco Slaughter, 75, was deboarding a Southwest Airlines flight at MacArthur Airport on Long Island when he decided to tell a flight attendant that he left a bomb in a bag on one of the plane’s seats. They found the bag, but there was no bomb inside of it. Police apprehended him shortly thereafter.
In my humble opinion, Slaughter is the dumber fellow. At least Callahan was trying to get something (money) from his bomb ruse. However, Slaughter has a way cooler name than Callahan.
The FBI is warning law-enforcement agencies across the country that Islamic terrorists have a new “terror tactic”: leaving suspicious (but totally harmless) bags in public places.
“The stated goal of the campaign was to exploit desensitization of first responders caused by response fatigue to suspicious but harmless items.”
These terrorists have obviously never met the majority of the NYPD. They get response fatigue the day after they join the force.
On page 29, we find Gulf tragedy may spike crude-oil prices. Sure enough, as I predicted weeks ago, the ban on offshore drilling + the loss of millions of barrels of oil into the Gulf = a jump in the value of crude oil.
Analysts expect a $100 barrel by next February (it is currently at $71.44). I think it will happen sooner.
Citigroup is down to $3.64/share.
Boston won last night, giving them a 1/2-game lead over Toronto. They trail us by two games now. Toronto and Tampa Bay will play each other, guaranteeing some kind of AL East shake-up.
The 7-1 Phil Hughes will pitch against the Orioles tonight (Baltimore is sending the 0-6 Kevin Milwood to the mound).
Stedman Graham on the way the city of Chicago treats the woman he pretends to sleep with (Oprah Winfrey): “I think they take her for granted a lot. I really don’t think they appreciate her. I don’t think they understand the value of who she is as a human being and what she’s done. A prophet has no honor in its own town. I’m just saying from an insider’s point of view, that, you know, I don’t think she gets the just due based on who she really is and what she’s done for the Chicagoland area.”
Sounds like someone is angling for a raise in their allowance.
Have a lovely day.
Dog Court was once again victorious last night — just six more wins and they get a show at the Magnet. We went out a drink afterwards and, thanks to the fine folks at the MTA, didn’t get home until 12:30. I’m tired. And I have tons of errands to run today, so let’s do this thing.
Two “jihadists” from New Jersey were arrested at JFK before they could fly to Cairo (on their way to train in Somalia — to “kill Americans overseas”). Mohamed Alessa, 20, and Carlos Eduardo Almonte, 24, have been under police surveillance since 2006. Almonte allegedly boasted that “It’s already enough that you don’t worship Allah, so… that’s a reason for you to die.”
And that’s a reason for these guys to be facing life in prison (on charges of “conspiring to kill, maim and kidnap persons outside the United States”).
Did you see the MTV Movie Awards? It was amazing! Tom Cruise put on his fat suit from Tropic Thunder and danced with Jennifer Lopez! And Sandra Bullock kissed Scarlett Johansson on the mouth! And the winner of the Biggest Badass Star Award wasn’t Angelina Jolie or Sam Worthington or Chris Pine or Channing Tatum, but Rain! Rain won for that movie he was in that MTV produced!
If you missed it, there’s a slim chance that MTV will re-air the program at some point in the near future.
Like, say, tonight at 9:00 p.m., tomorrow at 7:00 p.m., early Wednesday at 1:00 a.m. and again at 5:00 p.m., Thursday at 2:00 p.m., Friday at 10:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m., Saturday at 1:00 and 10:00 p.m….
For the third week in a row, Shrek Four What We Hope Is The Last Time was #1 at the box office (with $25,300,000 — a 41.6% drop from last week), soundly beating Get Him to the Greek’s $17,423,000 opening. Killers (the Post still hasn’t reviewed it!) opened with $16,100,000. Prince of Persia ($13,900,000) and The Golden Girls: The Movie Sex and the City 2 ($12,650,000 — down 59%) managed to keep Marmaduke ($11,300,000) out of the top 5. I hope this doesn’t hurt the chances of a live-action Heathcliff movie.
“Governor” Paterson on the partial credit given to students on that statewide math test: “You know, on a mathematics exam, you would get partial credit even if the answer was wrong. That’s sometimes an educational tool. But I don’t really know anything about it.” He’s great, isn’t he?
Porn actor Stephen Clancy Hill (porn name: Steven Driver) had been living in the studios of porn company Ultima DVD for a while. They finally asked him to leave. He didn’t like that, so he grabbed a “prop” machete and killed fellow porn actor Herbert Hin Wong (porn name: Tom Dong), and injured two others. Police were looking for him and, when they found him sitting on a cliff in Los Angeles, they Tasered him. Then, according to police, Hill/Driver jumped to his death. Hill/Driver and Wong/Dong appeared in at least six films together, including Brutal Femdom Cuckolding and Cuckold Abuse and Femdom Humiliation 1.
I knew I recognized him from somewhere!
The MTA is installing red-colored bus-only lanes on First Avenue and Second Avenue between 125th Street and Houston Street. Rapid bus service will start in October (wanna bet?) and I give it 10 days before there’s a serious accident.
Ari Fleischer wants Helen Thomas to be fired for saying that Jews should “get the Hell out of Palestine” and “go home [to] Poland, Germany and America and everywhere else.” Thomas turns 90 in August. At this point, she probably wishes she were dead.
I think Andy Dick should play Annie Leibovitz in a movie.
Debrahlee Lorenzana now works at Chase. Her bosses told her that she needs to stop giving TV interviews and doing sexy pictorials regarding her current lawsuit. But Lorenzana says she won’t be silenced, despite the bank telling her that her request to take Monday off was denied. She still plans on appearing on Good Morning [sic] America and Today today.
How about you get back to doing your fucking job?
Cindy Adams is unwell. She will return soon.
This has run somewhere in the paper every day for a while. But no one is actually reporting any details. The former sentiment has been true for over a decade, but I’m starting to doubt the latter.
Mandrea!
She’s angry at Aruba/Joran van der Sloot (He isn’t in Aruba anymore), the fact that Suri Cruise, 4, has an iPad (Suri we had to see that), the fact that the Board of Health has installed graphic anti-smoking posters in convenience stores (TIME TO SMOKE OUT NANNY-STATE EXCESS) and (my personal favorite) Debrahlee Lorenzana: “To prove she was a victim of male bosses’ reactions to her hotitude, Lorenzana, whose lawyer insists she’d look smoking in a burqa, posed for peek-a-boo glamour shots that showed off her assets.”
Who’d she pose for, Mandrea? Who published those photos in a full-color two-page spread, you haggard hypocrite?
If you’re wondering what to get her for Christmas, I suggest shame.
Boston lost (to the Orioles! HA!), Tampa won and the Yankees came from behind to (finally) beat Toronto. So we’re 2 games behind Tampa and Boston and Toronto are both 2 1/2 games behind us. We have today off (as does Tampa), so our standing won’t change until tomorrow at the earliest.
Since going off the air 12 years ago, Seinfeld has earned $2,700,000,000 (roughly $14,000,000 per episode).
Not bad for a show about nothing.
Linda “I Hate Reality Television!!!!1!!” Stasi gives the Season 3 Premiere of Pawn Stars four stars.
Because watching people pawn things is riveting television.
I love Greg Giraldo. And Craig Robinson. And Andy Kindler. And Natasha Leggero.
But even they aren’t enough for me to sit through the new season of Last Comic Standing.
Or are they?
Helen Thomas just announced her retirement. It’s a shame that the glowing obituaries written about her (any day now) will now include the fairly damning addendum of her recent comments and forced retirement. Maybe she should just go back to Poland and Germany and America.
Until tomorrow, kittens.
YESTERDAY
* Today’s cover is a full-page photo of a beach in Florida (I think it’s Pensacola, but why would the Post need to include a minor detail like which city it’s in?) littered with tar balls. The Coast Guard says that that cap that BP installed on Thursday is redirecting approximately 46,000 gallons of oil a day to the surface (yay!), which is about 10% of the flow (I retract my yay). But the feds estimate the leak at around 589,000 gallons a day. Well, at least BP is spending tens of millions of dollars on full-page ads and TV spots to try and sway public opinion in their favor (yeah, right — they have a better chance of cleaning up their entire spill than they do at that).
* Judge Saliann Scarpulla (I bet she’s relieved they caught Joran van der Sloot!) has ruled that the MTA can’t fire those 212 token-booth clerks (who are no longer able to sell tokens, ironically) without public hearings first. To celebrate their new (albeit possibly short-lived) job security, the clerks all clocked in yesterday and immediately took naps.
* I stand corrected — there is some reality on reality TV. “Real” “housewife” Teresa Giudice and her husband, Joe (featured on Bravo’s hateful The Real Housewives of New Jersey), make roughly $79,000 a year (plus “$10,000 in monthly assistance from family members” [bends nose with finger]). They just filed for bankruptcy — they owe $10,853,648.04. I hope there’s a way for me to donate money to them.
* Gossip Girl’s Chace Crawford was busted in a parking lot outside a bar in Plano, Texas for having “less than two ounces of marijuana.” Look for Chace as the lead in the upcoming film Twelve, where he plays a high-school dropout who sells marijuana to teenagers… could this be a new kind of movie promotion? And isn’t the drug of choice in Plano black tar heroin?
* The MTA has a new service on its Web site that will provide straphangers who are late for work (due to subway delays) with “an official verification of a train delay” in the form of an e-mail. As this is the MTA, the e-mail will take “five to 15 business days” to arrive, so try not to get fired before then. And the example provided to the Post lists the delay on the 4 train on June 1st (which was less than five business days ago… hmmm… ) as being a maximum of “60 minutes late.” Which is also the name of the short-lived CBS spin-off that aired Thursdays at 3:00 a.m. (turns out no one wanted to see a shirtless Andy Rooney).
* Shuaib Raheem was sentenced to 25 years to life back in 1973 after he and three other men took hostages in a sporting-goods store in Williamsburg. In a shootout with police, Officer Stephen Gilroy, 29, was killed. In November of 2007, the three members of the Parole Board decided that Shuaib should be released for good behavior (two voted yes, one abstained). The outrage that was sparked by this decision led them to rescind their decision. On Thursday, the same three people had another vote. The same two members voted yes (and the third one abstained again) and Shuaib will be released soon. Fun Fact: The two members who voted yes (Debra Loomis and Thomas Grant) will be retiring on June 18th.
* The Post claims that “Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf is a key figure in Malaysian-based Perdana Global Peace Organization, according to its Website [sic]” and that “Perdana is the single biggest donor ($366,000) so far to the Free Gaza movement.” Rauf is the imam behind the proposed mosque at Ground Zero (which isn’t really a mosque or actually at Ground Zero). I went to Perdana’s Web site and couldn’t find a single mention of Rauf. But why would the Post lie about something like that?
* I owe this horrible paper an apology. ‘Dunst’ cap for burglar begins, “Kirsten Dunst’s purse burglar may or may not be a ‘Mongoloid,’ as his own lawyer called him, but he’s officially guilty.” So it wasn’t the Post calling him that for no reason, it was an uncited reference to what his lawyer once called him. We regret the error.
* Officials say that a tennis racket found in Joran van der Sloot’s hotel room might be the murder weapon in the Stephany Flores case. And ABC News claims that van der Sloot prepaid for 14 nights in the hotel room “and told the hotel’s front desk not to allow anyone inside, including cleaning staff.” And also that Flores was discovered on Tuesday night. What do you have to say about that, Taco Penis?
* Miley Cyrus appeared on Britain’s Got Talent “in tiny hot pants and fishnet tights ripped near the crotch” and “simulating a lesbian kiss with a female dancer” while singing her new single, “Can’t Be Tamed.” I’m sure all of the little girls who adore Hannah Montana (the final season just wrapped) and stayed up to see their idol perform now have some interesting questions for their folks.
* Oscar-winner Kathryn Bigelow’s follow-up to The Hurt Locker? A TV commercial for Revlon starring Jessica Biel. Hello again, glass ceiling! How I’ve missed you!
* Approximately 40 students at La Quinta High School in Southern California have been known to play a neat little game called “Beat the Jew.” Some would play Nazis, some would play Jews. The Nazis would blindfold the Jews and take them somewhere off-campus. If the Jews successfully made it back without getting caught, they won. If not, they faced “incineration” or “enslavement.” Seven students might be barred from graduating because of their involvement. Kids! What’s the matter with kids today?
* Oh no! The Dramatics NYC salon on Second Avenue (near 47th Street) was broken into on May 29th at 3:20 p.m. and $260 was stolen. Thankfully, no one were hurt. Maybe I’ll bake my aunt and uncle an “I’m sorry you got robbed” cake.
* A 20-year-old in Wisconsin has been convicted of “trying to steal dirty diapers from a home.” He was sentenced to 30 months’ probation. And ordered to avoid Larry King.
* The US Food and Drug Administration have officially barred cigarette companies from using words like “light,” “mild,” “medium,” or “low” on their products. From now on, they’ll use colors to differentiate between their various types of product. I cannot imagine this having any effect on how much people smoke, although it might mean a brief increase as people try to find their old brand (I thought Camel Lights were now Camel Blues, but they taste like menthols! Maybe I want Camel Oranges…).
* Spc. Jeremy Morlock, 22, is being charged with “three counts of premeditated murder and assault in connection with three incidents beginning in January” which resulted in three Afghan civilians’ deaths. Jeremy’s hometown? Wasilla, Alaska. “The Morlocks of Wasilla” is a great name for an improv team.
* D. Edwards of Brooklyn writes in to say, “Spike Lee is urging President Obama to ‘go off’ over the oil spill, but I would suggest that the president go into his private chamber and pray to God for help — and not just about the oil spill… Given the many problems he’s facing, Obama needs to ask God to help him govern the nation the right way.” What a delightful double entendre.
* Citigroup dropped $0.17 to $3.79/share.
* Both the Yankees and the Rays lost, so we’re still just two games out of 1st.
* After two seasons, HBO is canceling The Life and Times of Tim.
LAST NIGHT
Let’s Have A Ball was so much fun and it was awesome to see so many friends in the audience. We have next week off, but when we return the following week (June 19th) it will be with Kay Cannon. I haven’t played with Kay in almost a decade (Jesus Christ, I’m old) and I can’t wait. She’s awesome (just like everyone else in the cast).
TODAY
Today’s cover features a lady in a bathing suit (Suit that sheds 10 lbs.), a smiling Bernie Madoff (MADOFF RAGES: ‘F*#@ my victims!’), Mets pitcher Jon Niese (Niese job!) and the main story:
State tells schoolkids…
2+2=5
Passes students who get the WRONG answers
According to a grading guide for last month’s statewide fourth-grade exam, “partially correct” answers are given partial credit. One example given is a child who was asked how many inches make up two feet has written 24 + 24 = 48 (in the “Show your work” area) and entered “48″ as his answer. He got half of the two points that the question was worth. The Post is outraged.
Here’s the thing, though. The problem requires that you know how many inches are in a foot and that you then double that number. This child thought that there were 24 inches in a foot, true, but he did everything else correctly. If the test requires that you show your work, it generally means that how you get your answer is just as important as your answer. The Post cites another example (“A miscalculation that 28 divided by 14 equals 4 instead of 2 is ‘partially correct’ if the student uses the right method to verify the wrong answer.”) which backs me up.
I remember the multiplication chart in my elementary school. It went up to 12. All year we used it, studied it, memorized it… the following year we moved on to larger numbers. If you had only memorized the multiplication table without understanding it, you were fucked (there were more than a few of these poor souls in my super-fancy private school and I guarantee you all of them are wealthier than I am now [and they probably still can't multiply 25 x 17]). Which I believe is the point of tests like this. If you’re asking someone who the first POTUS was, there’s only one right answer and the kid either knows it or he doesn’t. But if you’re asking him “Milton takes $400 on a shopping trip. He plans to spend 1/5 of his money on DVDs. How much money will Milton spend on DVDs?” that requires a) that the kid understands that what he has to do is divide 400 by 5; b) that he can correctly set up the equation; and c) that he arrives at the correct answer — $80.00. The student who left the answer blank (and only set up the equation without completing it) was given one point (out of two). I don’t think any points should have been awarded, but at least the teacher can look at this and say, “Ah! Sally understands that 5 has to go into 400, but she stopped there. Maybe she doesn’t actually know how to divide, only that division is necessary.”
The scoring guidelines require “that points be given if a kid’s attempt at an answer reflects a ‘partial understanding’ of the math concept.” Why is this so disturbing to the Post? These are little kids! And, as Barbie once famously whined, math is hard!
A track fire on the J line trapped hundreds of straphangers on a train for an hour yesterday at around 10:30.
If you were late for work, just go to the MTA Web site, fill out a request, and you should be getting verification for your excuse by… June 27th.
James McMillan’s Rent is Too Damn High Party was on the 2005 gubernatorial ballot. In 2006, the state Board of Elections changed it to the Rent is Too High Party. James is now suing the Board of Elections for $50,000,000 in damages. Which is too damn high.
That magic bathing suit is called the Miracle Suit and the secret is Miratex, “a patented spandex material with three times the amount of Lycra used in normal bathing suits.”
It figures — they finally invent a bathing suit that effortlessly slims you just when BP has destroyed most of our beaches.
Miley Cyrus on her recent performance of “Can’t Be Tamed” (I watched it — it was truly terrible and she carries herself like a lanky boy, but I didn’t see a kiss): “I promise you I did not kiss her and it is ridiculous that two entertainers can’t even rock out with each other without the media making it some type of story.” Is that really what the kids are calling rocking out nowadays? I weep for their generation, but I’m relieved that the world is ending in 2012.
Where is BP’s money going now? To buying search terms on Google, Yahoo! and Bing. If you type “oil spill” into the search window, the sponsored link at the top of the page is for www.BP.com/OilSpillNews (“Info about the Gulf of Mexico Spill Learn More about How BP is Helping”).
What’s weird is that, when I type in “criminal negligence,” BP isn’t at the top of the page.
In a related story that brings a smile to my face, a minor-league baseball team in Viera, Florida (The Brevard County Manatees of the Florida State League) is changing the name of their “batting practice” to “hitting rehearsal” so that no one on the team ever has to say “BP” again. I now have a new favorite minor-league team.
Olivia Belfiglio, 17, was celebrating Senior Cut Day with some of her classmates by hiking in “the Devil’s Kitchen” in the Catskills on Friday. She was wearing “strappy open-toed sandals” which were probably somewhat responsible for her losing her footing and falling 100 feet to her death.
As they all say in upstate New York, if you can’t equip your feet, stay out of the Kitchen.
A fellow inmate started yelling at Bernie Madoff for victimizing so many people, he shouted back, “Fuck my victims. I carried them for 20 years, and now I’m doing 150 years,” according to a new article in New York magazine. Another inmate told Bernie that stealing from old ladies was “kind of fucked up” to which Bernie “coolly replied, ‘Well, that’s what I did.’”
This unapologetic piece of shit is now serving time in a cellblock referred to as “Camp Fluffy” because “there are no bars on the windows” and it has “a gym, a library, pool tables and a sweat lodge.”
Please please please let this man be shivved. Repeatedly. In his genitalia.
Michael Goodwin complains that (with regard to Obama’s handling of the oil spill), “a real leader would take control because that’s what a leader does” (Slick talk aside, O’s just not up to the job).
“The problems are growing, but he’s not. If he were, we’d see green shoots of improvement… What started out as a whiff of rookie incompetence has become a suffocating odor.” I wish. Then Goodwin would choke to death and I would never have to see his disingenuous, intelligence-mocking face darken my already jet-black newspaper on a twice-weekly basis ever again.
Page Six (today on page 10)has introduced me to a new term that makes me giggle: Biebians.
These are lesbians who look and sound like Justin Bieber (and take pride in that — it isn’t a derogatory term). Swing by lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com for a good laugh.
A prison inmate in Wenatchee, Washington successfully smuggled a cigarette lighter, rolling papers, “a golf-ball-size bag of tobacco,” a small bag of marijuana, “a tiny smoking pipe,” a bottle of tattoo ink and eight tattoo needles. In his rectum. All at once.
If someone hadn’t found the plastic bag and duct tape in his toilet, he might have gotten away with it. But all he has now is regret (and a giant asshole).
The National Debt has set a new record: $13,050,826,460,886.97.
And it is entirely Obama’s fault.
Kyle Smith’s Relations are not A-UK warns that “things are getting shockingly tense between the US and a critical ally. Israel? Yes. But also Britain.”
Why? Because “every time Obama lashes out at [BP], he’s knocking down innocents.”
“BP, whether we like it or not, is one of us, and our government needs to work with it. Obama seems to think corporations are alien invaders sent here to destroy us and should be handled accordingly — yet seething people who actually do want to destroy us should be confronted with diplomacy and listening.”
Yes, poor BP. That colored socialist is so mean to them!
OMG! The third Twilight movie is opening on my birthday?!?
There is a God! And he LOVES me!
I did not know that Shel Silverstein wrote the Johnny Cash song “A Boy Named Sue.” But it makes perfect sense.
They’re remaking Straw Dogs? For what possible reason?
ASK ASHLEY!
My girlfriend claims to love giving me oral sex, but just when I’m about to orgasm, she stops and climbs on top of me. I want to please her too, but sometimes I just want to finish orally. How do I tell her this without seeming insensitive? — Matt, 27, Upper East Side
ASHLEY: “Maybe she just enjoys the journey, and not the destination, in which case you can sexily suggest you finish on her, rather than in her… If she still gets antsy, or just wants to turn oral into intercourse, try turning her around and giving it to her orally while she’s still giving it to you. (You get where I’m going without having to spell it out in a family newspaper, right?)”
ME: “When a publication hires a prostitute to give sex advice to its readers (after featuring her in numerous ‘look at these tits!’ pictorials), they are no longer anything close to a family newspaper. Also, why don’t you just ask your girlfriend if there’s a reason that she does this? Don’t make demands or accusations, just ask a question. She may not even realize she’s doing it. Or, rather, not doing it. And by “it” I mean letting you ejaculate your semen into her mouth.
About six months after breaking up with my boyfriend of two years, I was set up with someone. Our first date was great, and during our second we hooked up. Shortly after, though, I decided I just wasn’t ready to date yet. Problem is, he continues to text and e-mail me. He knew about my situation, so I was honest with him about why it wasn’t working, but he still won’t leave me alone. Now what? — Nikki, 30, Brooklyn
ASHLEY: “Next time he calls, have a guy friend answer. Stalker Boy should get the hint. If he still doesn’t stop, or just continues to text, two words: restraining order.”
ME: “Ashley hasn’t an ounce of creativity in her entire whore self. This guy doesn’t know you well at all (despite you giving it up on the second date). Invite him over for a romantic dinner and let him know about all of your innermost sexual desires (make up the most disturbing and repulsive things you can imagine). I have a sneaking suspicion that, if you tell him that you and your ex had this thing where you would freeze your bowel movements and then put them in each other’s rectums and film it and post video of it online, he’ll probably stop calling you. And never stop vomiting.”
I want to further explore what turns me on sexually, but I don’t know where to start. Porn stores are vast and pricey, and the Internet only gives away so much in the download preview. Any suggestions on how to figure out what gets me tingly beyond the obvious? — Cara, 24, Midtown
ASHLEY: “A friend of mine told me about this Web site redtube.com. It’s sort of like YouTube, but adult content only. Videos are free, so it’s great for researching your trigger points. The site’s variety is amazing, with everything from girl-on-girl and guy-on-guy, to guys-on-girls, fetishes, groups and public encounters.”
ME: “Click here.”
I wonder if this will hurt her case…
The Post has Debrahlee Lorenzana (the woman who was allegedly fired from Citibank for being too sexy) pose around a workspace in various outfits and… she’s just not that sexy. At all. Her face looks bored and her body, while certainly not ugly, is not at all alluring or interesting.
Sorry, Debrahlee (but at least they caught Joran van der Sloot!).
Does anyone like Katherine Heigl? Even a little bit?
Once again, both the Rays and the Yankees lost (despite Pettitte giving up just 2 runs on 5 hits in 7.2 innings), so we remain 2 games out of 1st (with both Boston and Toronto just 1 1/2 games behind us). Will Toronto sweep us? Well, even if they do, we have a day off on Monday follow by three games against the Orioles (who have lost all of their last 10 games).
Sadly, Cano was 0-for-6, ending his 17-game hitting streak. He’s still batting .356, so I have no complaints.
That’s all. We’re up in Westchester with the folks today (I woke up super-early so that I could write this and then go shopping for clothes (shudder). But we’ll be back in time for The Inferno at the Magnet Theater (9:30 p.m.). You should totally come to see that show. For serious.
See you all tomorrow!
You’re welcome.
And congratulations to Dog Court on becoming the World’s Best Improv Team (out of the 40 who competed in The Arena). I considered them champions before this, but it’s nice to get validation from a third party.
Enjoy your weekend, peeps!
Joran van der Sloot was arrested in Chile yesterday. He is being charged with the murder of Stephany Flores (who the Post is no longer calling Stephany Flores Ramirez… did they initially get her name wrong?), but he is ALSO being charged with “trying to extort $250,000 to reveal the location of Natalee Holloway’s body in Aruba.”
What a classy fellow! What does Taco Penis have to say about his client charging money for information (that turned out to be false) regarding the whereabouts of the woman he (allegedly) killed five years ago (he “sold at least one story to a media outlet that purports to disclose what really happened to Holloway”)? How about that his client’s “conduct in the last two years has been nothing short of despicable. By spinning these false stories about what happened, he’s brought such pain to the Holloway family and his own family. He’s willing to do it because it’s cash in his pocket. And he has a gambling addiction, and he’s got some sort of substance-abuse issue, marijuana at the very least.” Poor guy.
And what of the other woman your client (allegedly) murdered? “There’s things about this that don’t make sense. This happened Sunday, and the body wasn’t discovered until Wednesday? Do they clean the room?”
Of course! Housekeeping did it! Case closed!
Bud Selig refuses to overturn Jim Joyce’s botched call, which robbed Armando Galarraga of a perfect game. Joel Sherman applauds his decision. His logic? Selig said he will look into expanding instant replay and improving the umpires (?), which is more beneficial than the slippery slope that overturning Joyce’s blunder would create.
Yes, there have been a bunch of horrible calls in the past, some that have directly cost teams the game. But the Tigers wound up winning anyway. And perfect games are the rarer than grand slams or triple plays. Galarraga belongs on the short list of people who pulled one off.
And Selig belongs in a gulag.
Andrew Cuomo is currently “avoiding the endorsement of the Working Families Party.” The Post applauds him for that… but insists it’s not enough. They want him to publicly condemn the party and refuse their endorsement. And, presumably, burn down their headquarters and salt the earth so nothing can grow in its place.
Abner Louima used to hold the record for most money won in a civil-rights suit against the NYPD ($8,750,000). Barry Gibbs just settled his suit for $9,900,000 (he was suing for $18,000,000). Gibbs spent 18 years in prison after being framed by Louis Eppolito (he and his partner Stephen Caracappa are the notorious “Mafia Cops” who were convicted in 2006 of helping to cover up eight murders– they’re currently serving life sentences).
Barry is now back in Brooklyn and a multi-millionaire. But 18 years in prison? That’s half my life. I would’ve asked for far more (and not settled).
Remember Brian Steele, 29? He was in the van that hit (and killed) Dr. Rebecca Twine-Wright in April (the driver was his drugged-out girlfriend, Kayla Gerdes). Well, police just arrested him for driving under the influence.
At least no one died this time.
Cigarette companies are suing to block the Board of Health’s recent ruling which forces city retailers to hang pictures of diseased organs (with Quit Smoking Today written on them) in their stores. They claim it violates their First Amendment rights and that the posters “crowd out other advertisements.”
I wish American cigarette packs had the same warnings that British ones do.
BP has decided they don’t want James Cameron’s help. Cameron’s response? “Those morons don’t know what they’re doing.”
Last night, BP placed a containment cap on the pipe that they sawed off. Has it affected the flow of oil? It’s too early to tell. BP CEO Tony Hayward says it will take “12 to 24 hours” to “give us an indication of how successful this attempt will be.” But keep in mind that 12 to 24 hours in BP time is 2 to 3 months in actual time.
George Clinton is being sued for $264,000 by his accountants.
He is chronicling (no pun intended) the case in a new album titled, Stiff Your Accountants and Lawsuits Will Follow.
In February 2009, Kellogg’s agreed to stop claiming that their Frosted Mini Wheats were “clinically shown to improve kids’ attentiveness by nearly 20 percent.” But in July of 2009, they started claiming that their Rice Krispies “now helps support your child’s immunity.” They’ve just agreed to stop claiming that.
I wonder how long their “Froot Loops cures cancer” promotion will last.
Wednesday night’s state Republican convention had two breakout stars: Jeb Bush (the Post said he “seemed presidential”) and Carl Paladino (one source said, “He rocked”).
Ladies and gentlemen, the GOP’s best and brightest.
If you don’t care about comic books, skip to the next item.
Page Six (today on page 13) features a photo of Robert Downey Jr. buying comics in Hollywood. Because I am a nerd, I recognized the comic on the top of Downey’s stack as Avengers #60 by Geoff Johns & Kieron Dwyer. The photo’s caption explains that he’s doing research for the upcoming Avengers movie. This is interesting to me because the movie is scheduled to feature Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, the Hulk, Black Widow and (allegedly) Hawkeye, Ant-Man and The Wasp. In the issue Downey is holding, only half of those characters were on the team, along with Falcon, Vision, Warbird, She-Hulk, the Scarlet Witch, Namor and the Black Panther.
Why would Downey be reading that storyline if most of the characters involved have nothing to do with the movie he’s in? Why not read earlier issues (from the 1960’s) where Iron Man (and his movie teammates) play bigger roles? My guess? The bad guy is Scorpio — Nick Fury’s brother. Is it possible that, in addition to Loki, Scorpio will be in the movie?
Shortly after my referencing the Maytag repairman, Maytag is recalling 1,700,000 dishwashers because of “a potential fire hazard.”
The pitching coach for the Staten Island Yankees (Patrick Daneker) was given a 2009 World Series ring. He claims that two prostitutes stole it from his motel room in Tampa (after he brought them there in a cab, and later went to an ATM to get money).
As of today, he is still married. But that could change at any moment.
Sometimes all you need to read is the opening sentence.
A sidebar describing the closing arguments in the James Jimenez re-trial (he and his friend stole Simon Pegg and Kirsten Dunst’s things from the set of How to Lose Friends and Alienate People) begins:
“Here’s the defense: I was there with the on-location drug dealer, and I’m a myopic, drunken Mongoloid.”
Jimenez didn’t actually call himself a Mongoloid. That’s just the Post being classy.
Bill O’Reilly’s A PIÑATA PRESIDENT manages to ridicule James Carville for demanding that the POTUS “come down heeah” (“And then what?” replies O’Reilly to his own mockery of Carville’s accent) and Obama for doing so… in inappropriate attire (“Obama has already made an appearance on the Louisiana shoreline — wearing pants better suited for lunch at The Capital Grille.”).
Today’s paper is setting a record for classiness.
According to the Post, OK! magazine has lost approximately $175,700,000 (or $787,000 per issue) since premiering four years ago.
Which is why they’re changing their cover price to $35,000.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Kyle Smith gives two and a half stars to Get Him to the Greek (“yet another attempt at Spinal Tap silly”), two stars to Marmaduke (“Bad dog.”), one and a half stars to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead (“This Hamlet sucks”), and one star to the documentary Convention (“Cinéma vérité? More like cinéma banalité.”).
Lou Lumenick gives three stars to Splice (“smart, scary — and at times very funny”), two stars to the Denise Richards vehicle Finding Bliss (“a mildly funny, stereotype-stuffed comedy”), and three stars to the documentary Cropsey (“a real-life horror story that puts most Hollywood movies to shame”).
V.A. Musetto gives two stars to Living In Emergency (disturbing images), zero stars to Burzynski (nothing objectionable), and two stars to Ondine (violence, sexuality). That’s more like it, Pervy Joe!
The ad for Killers has no blurbs.
Tampa Bay didn’t play last night, so the Yankees’ win puts us 2 games behind them. Boston and Toronto are both 3 1/2 games behind us. We play Toronto tonight with Burnett (6-2, ERA 3.28) pitching.
Cano has gotten a hit in the last 17 games, which ties this season’s record.
At a round-table discussion of reality TV, the creator of Jersey Shore (SallyAnn Salsano) says that STDs “are a constant concern” with regards to the cast. “I do a full medical [for cast members] but I also do a lot of STD stuff.”
Dr. Drew Pinsky replied that “[VH1] requires me to do stuff with my patients that has no relevance to anything. Like everyone on the set [of Celebrity Rehab] has to take [herpes medication] Valtrex.”
“We hand it out like M&Ms!” Salsano cheerily chimed in. “‘Hey kids, it’s time for Valtrex!’ It’s like a herpes nest. They’re all in there mixing it up.”
You must be so proud, SallyAnn.
Linda Stasi gives three and a half stars to the Hallmark Channel’s original movie Freshman Father. She finishes her review with “I’m so overwrought from the whole thing, I deserve a Pulitzer.”
Once again someone at the Post confuses a Pulitzer with an ether-soaked rag.
Oh, thank God! This Sunday there’s a 2-hour Kate Plus Eight special on TLC! It’s been whole days since that horrible woman has been on TV! What a relief!
If’n you isn’t doin’ nuthin’ tonight, you might could swing by The Creek and the Cave (10-93 Jackson Ave in Long Island City) for The Arena. It’s free and Dog Court (plus three other groups) will be facing off for the title of Best Group Who Competed In The Arena 2010.
But if you’d rather see Dog Court perform with me, come to the Magnet on Sunday night (9:30). And if you’d rather see me perform without Dog Court, come to Let’s Have A Ball at the UCB on Saturday at 7:30 (reservations are still available, but they won’t be by tomorrow).
And finally, we broke in our new coffee maker this morning. Cuisinart makes a fine cuppa (and my folks give fine early birthday presents). Happy almost weekend!
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