Archive for July, 2010
Three cover stories, none of them of great import (but that’s to be expected, as there’s really nothing of consequence happening in the country and/or world).
1) In the EXCLUSIVE Why this woman paid $500,000 for a 2-week rental we learn about Cheryl Mercuris, who is in the Hamptons looking for a husband. Also, she’s rich. This story takes up all of page 3. Riveting stuff.
2) Real cops bust TV cop Ice-T is hilarious. Ice-T (real name: Tracey Morrow) informed his followers on Twitter, “Some punk bitch rookie cop named Fisher made the arrest of his bullshit career today. Arresting the Notorious Ice-T for no seatbelt!… [The cop] said, ‘I know who you are, and I don’t give a fuck!’ That was right after I called him a punk bitch.”
The actual incident went down like this: Ice-T and his cartoonishly-breasted wife (Coco!) were driving into the Lincoln Tunnel when the mirror on their car brushed against a police officer at a random checkpoint. The officer asked the car to pull over, but Ice-T ignored him. So the cop ran after he car and banged on the (tinted) window until Ice-T complied. The officer discovered: Ice-T wasn’t wearing his seatbelt, was driving with a suspended license, and lacked valid insurance for the car.
“I think [the cop] got his rocks off bringing me in the station in handcuffs. I stopped breaking the law a long time ago. I ain’t trying to get in trouble,” the former pimp told the Post. Here’s some free advice, Ice-T: If you don’t want to get in trouble, don’t call a cop a “punk bitch.” Also, I don’t think anyone is allowed to add “The Notorious” to the beginning of their rap name unless they’re Chris Wallace.
3) But most of the front page (and all of page 9) is devoted to Lindsay Lohan, who began her jail sentence yesterday (IT SUITS: Lindsay lovely in jail orange). We learn that, as she was taken from the courtroom (and into police custody), her father screamed “We love you, Lindsay!” and Lindsay completely ignored him (would that the rest of the country were as wise). We also learn that a spokesman for the sheriff of LA county says that Lohan will probably serve ust 14 days of her 90-day sentence (“because of jail overcrowding”). But my favorite factoid is who’s cell Lindsay’s is next to: Alexis Neiers. She’s one of the teenage members of the “Bling Ring” gang that robbed celebrity homes in Hollywood — including Lindsay’s. Awkwardelicious.
Deputy Mayor Stephen Goldsmith says that fees for residential sanitation pickups “can’t be ruled out” in trying to balance the budget.
And I say that my wife and my moving to California also can’t be ruled out.
That guy who recently robbed two banks (one with a potted plant, the other with a bouquet) has been identified, thanks to the front page of yesterday’s Post (at least, according to the Post). Turns out the suspect was arrested for an unrelated crime last weekend — and released on Monday. Oops. He remains at large.
Not sure if I covered this before, but Sumner Redstone, 87, has been accused of being so infatuated with (at least one member of) The Electric Barbarellas (described by an inside source as “an untalented all-girls band”), who filmed an allegedly lackluster pilot for MTV. Redstone has made the group his pet project and has been aggressively pushing for their success. Peter Lauria wrote about this the other day. Redstone called him and left him a voicemail message asking for the name of the source of his story. “You will be thoroughly protected. We’re not going to hurt this guy… You will be well-rewarded and well-protected,” Redstone assured him. The entire voicemail is available here.
But what I love are the descriptions of the band. Their bios (which I can’t find anywhere online) describe them as “a ‘bootylicious bitch,’ a ‘bi-curious’ choreographer, a Russian dominatrix and a stripper.”
This might be the beginning of the end of Mr. Redstone’s tenure at Viacom.
BP says that Tony Hayward has no plans to step down, but a “source” tells the Post that he’ll step down in the next 10 weeks.
Wait… BP is lying?
Another day, another recording of Mel Gibson freaking out.
“You need a fucking kick up the ass for being a bitch cunt gold-digging whore! And I want my child and no one will believe you [if you tell them I hit you, which I did]! So fuck you! And I’m not giving you my house and you can rot, unless you crawl back, suck my cock, and say you’re sorry, in that order!”
Poor Mel. All he ever wanted is a blowjob. And to be the Pope of his own branch of Christianity. Which he achieved, but he’d probably trade for a decent blowjob.
A new Harris Interactive poll lists America’s favorite sports star as… it’s a tie!
Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant.
Derek Jeter, who hasn’t been accused of brutally raping anyone or cheating on his wife with 20+ women, came in third.
Playboy is launching TheSmokingJacket.com. And what is it? It’s a nudity-free version of Playboy’s Web site for the people who actually read Playboy for the articles.
Finally! A Web site for no one!
Michael Goodwin has a nice piece called Is O blind, cynical or deluded? Hey, Michael? When did you stop beating your wife?
He also praises David Cameron for saying (of America), “I love this country and what it’s done for the world.”
“Oddly, I don’t recall President Obama ever saying anything like that about America,” says Goodwin.
Hey! He’s right! Obama hates America!
Putz.
Blago’s ‘zip lips’ dilemma explains that Rod Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady)’s lawyers are at odds. Sam Adam Sr. thinks that his client shouldn’t testify. Sam Adam Jr. thinks he should, since the attorneys promised he would in their opening statements. Yes, the attorneys are father and son.
BREAKING NEWS! I just found out online that the father won! The defense is calling NO WITNESSES!
Enjoy prison, you helmet-haired scumbag!
Ben and Angela Ihegboro are Nigerian immigrants living in London. They are Black. Angela just gave birth to a daughter, Nmachi, who is White (with blonde hair and blue eyes).
Genetics experts have offered three possible explanations: 1) Nmachi has a gene mutation unique to her; 2) Nmachi is the product of long-dormant White genes; or 3) Nmachi has a mutated version of albanism and her skin may darken over time.
Allow me to offer a fourth possibility, courtesy of Maury: Ben? You are NOT the father!
Carl Paladino is forcing a Republican primary against Rick Lazio. Money well spent, Carl.
I say Paladino gets 20% of the vote. At best.
Meryl Streep’s daughter (Mamie Gummer) calls her new ABC show (Off the Wall) as “Grey’s Anatomy meets Lost.”
$20 says that’s all the guy who pitched it had to say to ABC before it got greenlit.
Page Six (today on page 16) claims that Rep. Lee Terry (R – Nebraska) was seen flirting with a female lobbyist at the Capitol Hill Club in D.C. recently, asking her, “Why did you get me so drunk?” The Christian Coalition has given Mr. Terry a 100% rating “for his pro-family voting record.”
I wonder if his wife and three kids will enjoy this story. Or maybe Terry is pro-every-family-except-his.
A photo on Page Six (this time on page 18) shows Jennifer Aniston arriving at Heathrow Airport. The caption explains, “Yesterday she joined the list of celebs who have won restraining orders against their stalkers. Court documents claim hers… is mentally ill and has a history of violence.” His name? Jason…
…Peyton. Did you think it might have been Sudeikis? Well, the reports of “Sudeikiston” turned out to be false. Plus, Sudeikis has no history of violence and/or mental illness.
And Aniston has already committed to being in a steamy relationship with whoever her next co-star is.
Page 20 has a teeny tiny article titled USDA big wrongly ousted, the end of which says, “One of the outlets that ran the story, Fox News, acknowledged yesterday that the clip had been edited, but it was not clear by whom. The unedited video actually supports [Shirley] Sherrod — and makes clear the incident happened 24 years ago.”
I wanted to post the clip of Homer Simpson on Rock Bottom (from the episode “Homer Bad Man”) when they blatantly edited his responses to fit their narrative, but I can’t find it. And I don’t want to give the original story, which has now been revealed as wholly false, any more attention than it already got.
Thankfully, it looks like Sherrod might get her old job back. Sadly, it also looks like no one else (at Fox News or any other news outlet that sold the edited tape as credible without knowing the context) will lose theirs.
“Roberto Cabrera… was wearing a girdle with pouches containing 18 tiny endangered monkeys. He was busted at Mexico City’s airport on charges of trafficking in endangered species.”
Monkeypants! He was wearing real-life monkeypants!
Cindy Adams is unwell. She will return soon.
Her returning “soon” is now an impossibilty.
Puke Dicks (sorry, Ralph Peters) discusses “the fundamental problem with our national intelligence system,” which he says is that “it assumes that quantity can substitute for quality.”
Then he compares the Americans working for our intelligence agencies to “a thousand Little Leaguers” being paid “major-league salaries.”
Sounds like Ralph hates America.
Conrad Black has been released from prison after serving 850 days of a 6 1/2-year sentence.
More “jail overcrowding,” perhaps?
Crude oil is now going for for $77.44/barrel.
The Yankees had a 2-0 lead after the first inning last night, but wound up losing 10-2. But Tampa and Boston also lost, so the standings remain unchanged.
We’re up 5-0 as I write this (today’s game started at 1:05).
Lou Piniella has announced that this will be his last season as manager of the Chicago Cubs. Joel Sherman seems to think that Joe Girardi will replace him next season.
Um… I’m gonna say… no. No, he won’t.
Glenn Beck claims that he has mascular dystrophy and may go blind.
Maybe there is a God.
The Situation, Snooki, Pauly D and JWOWW will all get $30,000 per episode for Season 3 of Jersey Shore. Everyone else is getting less.
They all got $5,000/episode for Season 1 and $10,000/episode for Season 2.
Angelina (who?) has decided not to return for Season 3. She will be (canker) sorely missed.
The end! Happy Hump Day!
Shortly after 9/11, I took a trip to California. While standing on line (I forget which one), I noticed a large sign which listed all of the things that people were no longer allowed to take onboard with them. Knives, screwdrivers, matches, lighters, dry ice… it all made sense to me until I got to the bottom. The last item on the list was “Pool Cues.” I remember immediately thinking, “If someone can successfully hijack a plane with a pool cue, they should be allowed to do so.”
Why am I bringing this up? Because today’s front page features a still photo (captured from a security camera) of a man holding a bouquet of flowers. The headline is THIS IS A STICKUP: Man robs NY bank… with a bunch of flowers! He robbed the Bank of Smithtown on 18th Street and Seventh Avenue and made off with $440. If I were the manager of that bank, I would tell the police, “This anecdote is worth more than $440. We won’t be pressing charges.” At least, that’s what I would have said… if this was the first time this guy struck. But one week ago, he robbed the Capital One at 23rd Street and Ninth Avenue with a potted plant. He got away with $2,325 that time.
This guy must be stopped before he gets his hand on a wreath or some pine cones. Somebody might get hurt. From laughing too hard.
Looks like Robert Shapiro has dropped Lindsay Lohan as a client as of last night.
You may remember that Shapiro said he was representing Lohan on the condition that she abide by her sentence. She’s supposed to turn herself in today in order to start her 90-day sentence. If Shapiro quit, it stands to reason that Lohan doesn’t plan on turning herself in.
Which. Would. Be. Awesome! Then a judge could give her even more jail time! Oh, irony of ironies!
Now they’re saying that Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva had reached a tentative agreement wherein she would give Mel all of the tapes she had of him and he would give her $15,000,000.
But she later decided to back out of the deal because “she felt coerced.”*
*”she felt coerced” = “she thought she could get more by going to trial”
The cap that BP has put on top of the leak in the Gulf is now leaking. But the government is letting BP continue to keep the cap in place and “monitor the situation.”
What a terrific idea.
The Post says we’re in for “at least a week’s worth of thunder and lightning with sporadic storms barreling through the city almost every day through the end of the week.”
At least a week’s worth… almost every day… over the next four days.
It’s like the article was written in English, then translated into Japanese, and then translated back into English again.
Page Six (today on page 10) claims that Jenny McCarthy and Valerie Bertinelli have both officially given up on being talk-show hosts. Which will save millions of people from answering the question “Wait… who’s she again?”
Patrick Perry, of Staten Island, writes in to say, “I find it laughable that a group that calls itself the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People has the audacity to label the Tea Party movement racist. What would the NAACP label itself with a name like that?”
Anyone want to guess what color Patrick is?
Derek Jeter has been named “Major League Baseball’s most marketable player” by SportsBusiness Daily. A-Rod came in ninth. Coming in (a distant) second is St. Louis Cardinal Albert Pujols — which is quite a feat, considering his last name is pronounced “poo holes.”
Brian Cashman insists the Yankees aren’t looking for a starting pitcher to replace Andy Pettitte. He says, “This is why we have Sergio Mitre.” And later in the article, we read: “Mitre started for Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes Barre last night, allowing three runs on four his…”
I may be the only person in the world that actually reads this horrible paper (and speaks English).
Another cast member has been announced for the upcoming season of VH1’s Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew: Jason Wahler.
Still no sign of an actual celebrity.
And the rumor that Rachel Uchitel was going to be on Celebrity Apprentice has been debunked by Trump himself. “If she’s doing Celebrity Rehab [now], we would have no interest.” I have no interest in any person mentioned in this article.
The cast of Jersey Shore wants $30,000 per episode and it looks like MTV might give it (or a reasonable compromise) to them.
Everybody wins!
(except everybody)
A relatively brief and uninteresting Post today. Thank you for joining me.
Try to stay dry during the 7+ days of rain we’ll get during some of the next four days!
So much to cover. Sit back, relax, and prepare to laugh derisively at the New York Post.
SATURDAY
The cover is a photo of Mariano Rivera placing two roses on home plate. The caption reads: “Yankee closer Mariano Rivera lays two roses on home plate during pre-game [sic] ceremony for George Steinbrenner.” The headline is TRIBUTE and the subhead is Stadium salute to The Boss). But if you turn to page 7, you’ll read “…Mariano Rivera laid two roses on home plate in memory of the two Yankee titans before ‘Taps’ was played.” Two Yankee titans? Oh, that’s right — Bob Sheppard was also honored. In fact, the caption of the photo of Derek Jeter (who teared up during his speech to the crowd) describes the event as “a pregame [is it "pre-game" or "pregame," Post? PICK. ONE.] ceremony honoring George Steinbrenner and Bob Sheppard.” Sigh.
Bloomberg is angry about “Governor” Paterson’s partial purging of the stop-and-frisk database, but not everone is.
“I salute Gov. Paterson… for his courage [in signing the bill],” said The Rev. Al Sharpton.
I was on the fence, but now I’m definitely against it.
“Scientists” at Manchester Metropolitan University in England have come to the conclusion that wearing high heels on a regular basis “causes the Achilles’ tendon to permanently stiffen — leading calf muscles to stretch painfully when switching to flats.” So, once you’ve started, ladies, you’ll never be able to stop.
Steve Jobs apologized to iPhone 4 owners, though he didn’t fully accept all of the blame. “We screwed up on our algorithm. Again, all smart phones seem to do this. We haven’t figured out our way around the laws of physics. Yet.”
What a whimsical jape. Except my wife and I own Droids and have never had this problem. Nor have I heard of any other smart phones experiencing the “death grip” problem. Oops.
O’s man: Plug may not hold
BP oil fix suspect
“The results of ‘well integrity tests’ — which could prove that there is no danger of a fresh leak — have been less than ideal, the Obama administration’s chief leak fighter said yesterday… Officials warned they might have to start releasing oil again.”
“If the cap fails the test, officials said they may have to reopen it and go back to piping some of the oil to ships. That means the nightmare leak would return and probably last until two relief wells are finished next month.”
Sigh.
Page Six (today on page 10) claims Us Weekly paid Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston $100,000 for the scoop on their engagement. But Bristol gave an interview to People on or about the same time and, when People asked about whether she and Levi were back together, she lied and said, “We’re not totally back together, but I’m not ruling it out… I don’t want to get into what’s in store for our future because, who knows?”
Bristol Palin lied for $100,000. She gets it from her mother.
Painful hit for Aerosmith begins, “Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry was recovering yesterday after his racing motorcycle was hit by a 62-year-old grandmother as he rode through Massachusetts, The Boston Herald reported.”
The visual of an old lady attacking Joe Perry’s motorcycle made me giggle like a meth addict. Perry suffered only minor injuries.
Dimitrios Apolonides, 37, was arrested for leaving several small pieces of paper outside the Jewish Guild for the Blind on the Upper West Side, all of which had “Kill Jews” written on them.
If you’re tryng to recruit people to kill Jews, the Jewish Guild for the Blind is probably not the best place to start.
“A teacher at a public school in Norfolk, Va., lost her job after she was caught rubbing ‘holy oil’ on students and class equipment to anoint them. Officials said the fifth-grade teacher quit after they confronted her about her ‘inappropriate religious practices.’”
Amen.
Daryl Simon, 38, is a “career fraudster” who tried to convince a judge to go easy on him because of his charity work. He showed the judge photos of himself “helping” people in hospitals and schools. It might even have worked… if the judge hadn’t noticed that in (at least) two of the photos, Daryl’s image was inserted after the fact. Then he discovered that the letters of support Daryl provided were also fake.
Daryl got a 24-year sentence.
A collector (Paul Gierucki, 43) bought a 16mm film at an antique fair in Michigan last November for $100. It’s from 1914 and only 10 minutes long. But it’s worth a whole lot more than $100.
Charlie Chaplin once claimed to have played a Keystone Kop, but no one had ever found cinematic proof. Until now. A Thief Catcher features Chaplin (for about three minutes) in full Kop regalia and premiered at Slapsticon 2010 in Arlington, Virginia. Gierucki is hoping to get the film shown on Turner Classic Movies. I am hoping to watch it.
John Owens, of East Williston, writes in say, “It is [Eric Holder] and Obama who, from the moment they took power, have used the 9/11 attacks to further their political agenda.”
Oh my God… he’s right! Far right!
RadioShack might be bought for… over $3,000,000,000?!?!
WHY?
Pete Hammond’s blurb is gone from today’s full-page Inception ad. It remains in the Sorcerer’s Apprentice ad, though.
Over in the (heavily partisan) sports section, there’s a brief blurb about the Nationals’ Stephen Strasburg who “walked three and threwing the first wild pitch of his career.”
Nice working, editorial!
The Yankees had to win after the memorial for George (and Bob). And they did.
Swisher hit a home run in the eighth inning to tie the game at 4-4. Rivera came in in the ninth and gave up a lead-off single to B.J. Upton… before picking him off at first. The next two batters were retired.
Granderson hit a single and went to first on Pena’s sacrifice bunt. Then Brett Gardner walked. Then Jeter was up.
If Steinbrenner’s golden boy managed to knock in the winning run, it would have been perfect… but he struck out. Luckily Swisher followed that with an RBI single.
Somewhere up in Heaven, The Boss stopped strangling Billy Martin long enough to smile.
Burt Reynolds is guest-starring on Burn Notice. His character’s name? Paul Anderson.
Ironically, that’s also the name of the director of Boogie Nights. Fun Fact: After Reynolds saw a rough cut of Boogie Nights, he fired his agent for recommending the role to him. He would later win a Golden Globe (and get nominated for an Oscar) for the role.
SUNDAY
The Post’s EXCLUSIVE cover story (THE RUTH HURTS) reveals that Ruth Madoff is volunteering in South Florida. “Like the biblical Ruth, the disgraced wife of jailed Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff is depending on relatives for sustenance, and searching for redemption by volunteering for charity work.”
That’s so sweet. If she keeps doing this for the next 12,743 years, she might attain karmic balance.
The Post takes great delight in pointing out that more constituents of Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand have an “Unfavorable” opinion of her (34%) than “Favorable” (29%) — and that “Don’t Know” beat them both (37%).
I take great delight in pointing out that she still leads every possible Republican opponent by over 20 points.
An article about how “a team of 35 psychologists” would be available to any of the people competing in the 10th Annual New York City Triathlon (the organizer noticed that “there were always about 50 athletes who panicked before the swim portion”). It’s not a very interesting article, especially when you consider the opening sentence: “Here’s a sporting event that Woody Allen might want to join in.”
I was expecting something far more interesting to follow that.
Paris Hilton was found with marijuana again, this time in Corsica.
She was then released without charges. Again.
Because, really, why should she start facing the consequences of her actions now?
Starting on August 15th, everyone convicted of a DWI (even first-time offenders) will have to get ignition locks installed in their cars, making it impossible for them to drive drunk (because not only do you have to blow into it in order to start the car, but you have to do so repeatedly while driving). The devices cost $100 to install, plus $70 – $110 a month thereafter — all paid for by the drunk drivers.
I wonder how long it will take before someone sues the NYPD while claiming that blowing into their ignition lock caused them to get into an accident…
One thing Michael Goodwin said today is worth repeating. In Let the devil’s advocate rot, he writes, “Legal representation of unsavory people is noble.”
Let me repeat that: “Legal representation of unsavory people is noble.”
It seems like it was only Wednesday when he was ripping into Eric Holder because “As attorney general, he has hired at least nine lawyers who represented terror suspects to be part of his team.”
Well? Which is it, Michael?
I would probably get a divorce immediately.
Paul and Vilma Cassidy had just gotten married in Leicestershire, England, when Paul’s mother collapsed outside. “Then a guest’s father died, a child was rushed to the hospital with a seizure, and the couple’s playful two kids suffered head cuts at the recption.”
On the plus side, no one caught on fire.
The victim of a “circumcision gone horribly wrong” was awarded $10,000,000 by a Brooklyn federal judge, to be paid by the makers of “the Mogen clamp.” The instruction manual that accompanied the device claimed to provide “a risk-free procedure” despite other similar mishaps in the past.
And by mishap, I mean partial amputation of the penis.
London’s Daily Mail claims Mel Gibson is selling all of his property in the U.S. and moving back to Australia to be with his ex-wife.
There’s a 2-page spread detailing Gibson’s past faux pas, including his defense of his Holocaust-revisionist father (“He never denied the Holocaust; he just said there were fewer than 6 million [Jews killed]“).
Matt Harvey’s ATTACK OF THE KILLER BIKES contends that “No matter how many lanes we build, they make NYC more dangerous.”
“Bikes are too slow for roads, too fast for sidewalks, and deadly for both.”
Hey… he’s right! Everyone throw away your bicycles!
Mystery solved!
Angelina Jolie’s new tattoo on her inner thigh is two words in cursive: Whiskey Bravo.
That’s civil aviation code for WB (Brad Pitt’s real name is William Bradley Pitt, but it might also mean that she’s a big fan of Warner Bros.).
ASK ASHLEY! (still only two questions… is she on her way out?)
My new guy’s willing to wear a condom, but it’s causing problems with our play-time. Sometimes he’s only at half-mast, and others he just can’t finish the job. We’re not at a stage where I feel comfortable having sex without protection, but it’s really starting to spoil the mood. I’d consider oral in between, but then he tastes bad. What do we do? — C.B., 29, Midtown
ASHLEY: “There are a few things you can do aside from crushing up that little blue pill and putting it in his glass of wine. (Totally kidding. Obviously you cannot do that without his knowledge or consent because that would just be wrong . . . right?).”
ME: “The problem is probably with your vagina. Or your boyfriend is gay. Or both.”
I really like this girl, but I have a mild case of the herp. When (and really, how) do I fess up? — Wendy, 43, Pittsburgh
ASHLEY: “Just be upfront with her and explain the severity of your condition.”
ME: “No worries — everyone in Pittsburgh has herpes.”
What th’… Pete Hammond’s blurb is back in today’s full-page Inception ad!
V.A. Musetto interviews actress Martina Garcia and discusses her new movie (The Mosquito Net). “Garcia, 27, plays Ana, a maid who has an affair with her male employer. But that’s nothing. The mistress of the house gets it on with her son’s best male buddy.” And now you understand why he likes this movie so much.
Yogi Berra fell on the steps in front of his home on Friday night and missed Old Timers’ Day as a result. He’s resting at home and should be OK.
The Yankees lost to Tampa (10-5) and we almost lost A.J. Burnett.
After giving up three runs in two innings, a frustrated Burnett slapped a double door in the clubhouse with both hands — and cut them both on the plastic lineup-card holders. The cuts weren’t that deep, but he eventually left the game because of them. Doctors say he should be fine real soon.
What a moron.
TODAY
Oh, shit.
Groin injury KOs Pettitte 5 weeks is today’s cover story. Andy had to leave yesterda’s game in the third inning because of a strained left groin. All of a sudden, I’m sorry we didn’t get Cliff Lee.
The next season of VH1’s Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew will feature Rachel Uchitel (she slept with Tiger Woods), Janice Dickinson, Jeremy London and Leif Garrett. And maybe some celebrities (but probably not).
Mel Gibson’s spokesman (Worst. Job. Ever.) says there is “no truth” to the Daily Mail story that had Mel selling his houses and moving to Australia to be with his ex. That’s too bad — it was the only positive story Mel has had written about him in weeks.
The NAACP demanded that Tea Party officials crack down on racist members. So, Mark Williams of Tea Party Express responded by writing (and posting online) a letter from “Colored People” to Abraham Lincoln.
“Dear Mr. Lincoln, We Coloreds have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards.” It goes on, but you get the point.
Mark Williams and Tea Party Express have been expelled from the National Tea Party Federation. Which surely takes care of all of the racists in the Tea Party.
The original Soup Nazi store is reopening tomorrow (though the Soup Nazi will not be there).
Nowhere in the article does it mention the address of the store.
s This is a horrible newspaper.
Zsa Zsa Gabor fell out of her bed the other day and broke her hip. She got a hip replacement today.
Her husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, has already come forward as the doctor who performed the surgery, the bed she fell out of, the fifth Beatle, the Lindbergh baby, Yahweh, the 2009 Yankees and Batman.
Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are trying to sell a reality show about their upcoming wedding (and beyond!) to any network that will have them.
But guess what! No network will have them! As one “cable honcho” tells Page Six (today on page 10), “Neither of them have personalities.”
You. Betcha.
BP is considering closing all of its gas stations in the U.S.
OK.
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice placed 3rd at the box office this weekend ($17,400,000), behind Inception ($60,400,000) and Despicable Me ($32,700,000).
Vomit Penises (sorry, Ralph Peters) begins The Coming Crusade with “The Islamists have it wrong: Islam isn’t the world’s fastest-growing religion. By birth numbers and convert tallies, it’s Christianity. And Africa’s at the forefront — a fact that [sic] going to body-slam Muslim extremists sooner or later.”
Ralph is a classy fellow.
The Yankees have tonight off, followd by two games against the Angels and four against the Royals.
Fun Fact: Mark Teixeira has reached base safely in each of his last 35 games. His record (set in 2006) is 36.
Sergio Mitre should come off the DL later this week. He will be replacing Andy Pettitte in the rotation.
And may God have mercy on us all.
Even though the second season hasn’t started airing yet, MTV wants to start filming the third season of Jersey Shore. But the cast is holding out for more herpes money. Everyone gets $10,000 per episode but they think they can make more money doing public appearances.
Oh no! If the cast refuses to do a third season, whatever will MTV do? Well, don’t worry — the Post claims that they’ve already negotiated a spin-off series for “The Situation.” Who also recently signed a book deal. Despite having never read one.
And now we’re all caught up. See you tomorrow!
Sorry, kids. Triple-feature tomorrow. In the meantime, here’s a catchy little ditty for you to sing to your Johnson.
And, as an added bonus, here’s the decade’s finest mash-up (thus far).
See you tomorrow!
For some reason, I get the feeling that I’ve posted that video before. So here’s a bonus video.
(sorry about the brief ad at the beginning)
Aw, Hell. Here’s a clip from Louie, as well.
Happy Weekend!
After 85 days and 200 million gallons of crude in the Gulf…
OIL’S WELL!
Gusher plugged as BP finally fixes devastating leak
“BP said oil from its crippled Gulf of Mexico well stopped gushing yesterday afternoon after the energy giant shut all valves on a new 75-ton tight cap.” Hooray! Problem solved!
Well, no. “The leak won’t be sealed for good until BP finishes drilling two relief wells and can pump mud and cement into the main well. That isn’t expected to happen until next month.”
Assuming BP is telling the truth (and why the Hell would anyone do that?), this is good news. Especially if you are one of the soulless folks who bought BP stock recently. “In the final half-hour of trading yesterday, BP jumped nearly 10 percent, closing the session up nearly 8 percent at $38.92 a share.”
The well is capped. Now all we have to do is spend the next 40 years trying to clean up the mess.
“Gov. Paterson today is expected to sign a controversial bill that would delete an NYPD database with the names of hundreds of thousands of people who were stopped and frisked but never arrested, sources said.”
Ray Kelly’s reply? “Without it, there will be, inevitably, killers and other criminals who won’t be captured as quickly or perhaps ever.” In 2009, over 500,000 people were stopped and frisked. Just 12% of them were arrested or issued a summons.
Hurry up, “Governor”! There are still five people in New York who don’t despise you and you’re leaving office soon!
For the first time since 1994, The Late Show with David Letterman wasn’t nominated for an Emmy. Ironically, the guy who was convicted of blackmailing was. Robert “Joe” Halderman was one of the four producers nominated for Best Continuing Coverage of a Story by a Newsmagazine for American Girl, Italian Nightmare (about Amanda Knox) on 48 Hours.
Halderman has already taken out an ad in Variety warning the Emmy voters that he knows all of their dirtiest secrets and, if they want them to remain buried, they should vote for him.
“Steve Maynard, 35, spent the past few weeks, if not years, tearing limbs off trees across [Brooklyn], causing at least $200,000 in damage to those along Eastern Parkway and in Prospect Park before finally getting busted, authorities said. The off-his-meds Maynard, who wore a lumberjack hat, told Parks officers, ‘There are demons in the trees, and I had to cut them down.’ He said the demons ‘were responsible for the death of’ an imaginary person named Amy.”
Maynard currently leads Paterson in the polls by 30 points.
Stupid criminals make me smile.
Case in point: When Lynne Stewart was given a 28-month sentence for helping her client (“terror mastermind” Omar Abdel-Rahman) smuggle messages to his followers (at least one of which “called for a halt to a cease-fire of violent attacks in Egypt”), and not the 30-year sentence she could have gotten (the judge cited “her age, poor health and decades of helping the less fortunate”) Stewart immediately told reporters that she could serve her sentence “standing on my head” and that she would “do it again.” She got a new sentence yesterday: 10 years.
Congratulations, stupid criminal!
The Red Sox observed a moment of silence before their game against the Rangers last night — in honor of Bob Sheppard and George Steinbrenner, which I like. Then they lost, which I love.
I didn’t think I could hate the MTA more than I already do. Then I watched this.
If I look down and step over, why would I THEN have to watch the gap?
Maybe if the MTA didn’t spend time (and money) doing crap like this, my unlimited MetroCard wouldn’t need limitations.
TAPE #5 (in a seemingly infinite series) reveals Mel Gibson insulting Oksana’s 12-year-old son, Alexander (the kid’s father is Timothy “Worst. Bond. Ever.” Dalton and his nickname is Sasha). “Look at your son, he’s a fucking mess. You fucking excuse for a mother. You’re a fucking bitch.”
The Post claims Oksana’s response included the line “This is the first time because you’re relationship with Sasha is so fucked up because of your violence.”
But I think that even a broken-English-speaking Russian woman knows the difference between “your” and “you’re” (even if this terrible newspaper doesn’t).
That’s the amusing part of today’s addition to this story. Here’s the part that isn’t amusing at all: Mel is being accused of hitting his 9-month-old daughter. “Gibson allegedly struck little Lucia on Jan. 6, when he punched her mother.”
I’d love to hear what Jodie Foster thinks of this.
The GOP frontrunner for the upcoming gubernatorial election is Rick Lazio. According to the Post, he has raised approximately $2,000,000. Andrew Cuomo has raised roughly $23,600,000.
And in the last six months, Carl “What? Me Racist?” Paladino has raised $1,800,000 “94 percent of which came from his personal fortune.”
Gee. I wonder who’ll be our next governor.
Someone stole a refrigerated trailer in New Jersey over the weekend. The trailer contained 980 boxes of bananas, valued at $15,000. After reading this, I closed my eyes and immediately Ray Liotta say, “Whenever we needed money, we’d rob the airport. To us, it was better than Citibank. And whenever we wanted a healthy snack filled with potassium, we stole a truck full of bananas. To us, it was better than grocery shopping.”
FINALLY! I’ve been looking for some information about Cindy Adams’ health for weeks. And, wouldn’t you know it, I finally got some information — from Liz Smith! Ha!
“There have been many rumors about Cindy’s weeks-long absence. But I am happy to report she is getting better and will probably be back in place very soon. Cindy was an ultra-healthy woman and a Christian Scientist as well. She never went to doctors. Thus, when she lost her appetite and began feeling poorly she didn’t, like the rest of us hypochondriacs, rush off to a doctor. It took the combined care of her two pals, the recuperating Barbara Walters and busy Judge Judy, to get doctors to Cindy, who was found with an almost burst appendix.”
Her appendix? She’s been gone for two months for that? I call bullpucky.
More stupid criminals!
1) Dwayne Lamont Moten (of Texas, of course) had a great plan: Get a friend to shoot him, blame his wife’s boyfriend, gain sole custody of his child. And he might have pulled it off… if he hadn’t died from the gunshot wound. Oops.
2) Lindsay Lohan has hired Robert Shapiro. And what did Mr. Shapiro decide she should do? Enter a rehab facility on July 14th. And not just any facility — Pickford Lofts, which was created by… Robert Shapiro (after his son overdosed). Lohan is supposed to go to jail on July 20th. Shapiro will now try to convince Lohan’s judge that she shouldn’t have to go to prison, as she is already in a rehab program. Here’s what I hope happens: The judge tells Shapiro that, if Lohan isn’t in jail on the 20th, he will be.
Michelle Malkin again? Already? Sigh.
“In his continued quest to shut down offshore drilling, Salazar has run roughshod over scientific integrity…”
(spit take)
Michelle Malkin believes in the integrity of science? Since when? And does this mean she’ll stop ridiculing people who believe in global warming? (The correct answers are: No. Never. No.)
The editorial A Surplus of Chutzpah begins, “In introducing his new budget director Tuesday, President Obama just couldn’t help himself: He had to take yet another swipe at George W. Bush. Jack Lew, who had the same job under Bill Clinton, ‘handed the [Bush] administration a record $236 billion budget surplus,’ Obama said. ‘The day I took office, eight years later, America faced a record $1.3 trillion deficit.’ Sheesh! Obama suffers from no audacity deficit — that’s for sure.”
Do you think the people who work at the Post burst into tears every time they pass a reflective surface?
Beth Snyder, of Traverse City, Michigan, had to write in to discuss Mel Gibson.
“No one should ever downplay the horrific rants by Gibson. He will forever be judged by his statements and beliefs. But, where is the public outrage and disgust over songs by all the rappers? They’re not really songs, they’re just hated-filled [sic] statements shouted by performers. What’s the difference?”
Remind me to never visit Traverse City.
Bill O’Reilly’s A Bad Time To Cry ‘Racist’ attacks the NAACP and defends the Tea Party (insert photo of mock surprise). It seems the NAACP’s president made the accusation that there are signs at Tea Party rallies that say things like “Lynch Barack Hussein Obama” and Mr. O’Reilly responds by saying, “An exhaustive search of media reportage on the Tea Parties turns up no mention of such signs.” Either he doesn’t know what any of those words mean or he is knowingly telling lies. Or both.
“True, there’s a big difference between the Tea Party and the [New Black Panther Party]. The tea people have quickly become a potent political force in America, while the NBPP is few in number and brain cells.”
Remember when he was outraged when people insulted the intelligence of the Teabaggers? Neither, it would seem, does he.
The SEC has fined Goldman Sachs $550,000,000 “as part of a settlement of the massive fraud suits against the firm.” That’s just 15% of Goldman Sachs’ first-quarter profit. Which is why they are currently laughing their asses off.
AT&T’s U-verse (whatever that is) has reached an agreement with Cablevision. AMC, IFC and WE TV will all remain a part of their lineup. Hooray for compromises!
I keep getting friend requests on Facebook from seemingly-skanky young women who have no friends in common with me (but who found me via “FriendFinder.” I just ignore them, but I always wondered why it was only young women who seemed to use this service. I just learned that FriendFinder Networks is the parent company of Penthouse magazine.
Touché.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
V.A. Musetto gives three stars to Kisses (profanity, violence — and his review includes the sentence, “They encounter more than they had expected, including a carload of thugs intent on raping Kylie.” Kylie is supposed to be 12 years old), one star to To Age or Not To Age (mature themes), and three stars to Alamar (nothing objectionable — but plenty of shots of a shirtless 5-year-old).
Lou Lumenick gives one and a half stars to Valhalla Rising (“If you’ve ever wanted to see what a Terence Malick remake of Conan the Barbarian might look like, this is the movie for you.”).
Kyle Smith gives two and a half stars to Operation: Endgame (“offers some acidic pleasures”), which will be available on DVD in 11 days.
The reviews for Inception are almost uniformly positive (Armond White notwithstanding). So I have to wonder why Warner Bros. would include “DON’T MISS THIS MOVIE!” – PETE HAMMOND, BOXOFFICE MAGAZINE in their full-page ad.
Michael Riedel reports that Will and Jada Pinkett Smith are considering starring in a revival of A Streetcar Named Desire. And that Halle Berry has joined the cast of the Samuel L. Jackson-as Martin Luther King drama The Mountain. And that James Earl Jones will be joining Vanessa Redgrave in a revival of Driving Miss Daisy.
That’s all well and good, but what of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark? Who is playing Swiss Miss?
A new Shake Shack has opened on 44th Street and Eighth Avenue. So, if you don’t feel like waiting an hour and a half in Madison Square Park for a mediocre burger, now you can do it on 44th Street and Eighth Avenue.
The Yankees play Tampa Bay tonight and Sabathia (who is 8-0 in his last 8 starts) will pitch. The last time he faced Tampa, he won — with an ERA of 0.00.
I loves me some Yankees.
I have since learned that he’s an assistant to the coach of the Orlando Magic, but I still find the sentence “Magic assistant Patrick Ewing thought LeBron James would stay in Cleveland.” amusing.
Former Red Sox pitcher Bill “The Spaceman” Lee on the death of George Steinbrenner: “As far as Steinbrenner’s passing? Good… Trust me, if hell freezes over, he’ll be skating.”
Yes, but how do you really feel?
Great news! That morning show starring Kate Gosselin, Paula Deen, Lee Woodruff and Rene Syler has been abandoned! And so has Valerie Bertinelli’s talk show (Say It Now)!
Horrible news! Nancy Grace is getting a new show — Swift Justice with Nancy Grace. I hope she yells at people loud enough for them to want to kill themselves (again).
News! Sara Gilbert (Roseanne), Julie Chen (The Early Show), Leah Remini (The King of Queens), Holly Robinson Peete (21 Jump Street) and Sharon Osbourne (America’s Got Horrible Taste) are all shooting a pilot for CBS. It’s being billed as “The View for the mommy set.”
“‘All the women happen to be mothers, so it’ll go through that filter,’ says one source.” Um… everyone on The View has kids, too.
Poor Europe.
The Real Housewives of Athens is currently being shot in Greece and casting is complete for The Real Housewives of Sandbanks. I broke down and watched an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I shan’t be doing that again.
Animal Planet has a new show called Animal Hoarders. If you like Hoarders and watching animals suffer, then this is the show for you!
Linda Stasi gives it two and a half stars.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve been worrying that there aren’t enough TV shows about people who bake cakes. Well, fret no more! DC Cupcakes is on TLC tonight at 10:00 p.m. It’s about two sisters who own a bakery!
Now I’ve heard everything!
Let’s Have A Ball tomorrow night at 7:30 p.m. at the UCB Theater. Reservations still available!
The Inferno on Sunday night at 9:30 p.m. at the Magnet Theater. Reservations still available!
Enjoy your weekend, kids.
YESTERDAY (WEDNESDAY)
Today’s Post is a TRIBUTE SPECIAL to George M. Steinbrenner (actually, he was George Michael Steinbrenner III, but this is a terrible newspaper, so just be happy they spelled his last name correctly), who died on Tuesday. In addition to a 20-page pullout (which includes a 2-page spread of various covers and back pages that George appeared on — including today’s — and various full-page tributes [from Donald Trump, Macy's and others]), The Boss got the cover and pages 2-9. There’s also a piece on his horses on page 72 and yet still more coverage on pages 82-91.
Joel Sherman’s THE BARE TRUTH ABOUT THE BOSS stands out among the various eulogies throughout the paper, as it is the only one that insists that Steinbrenner should be remembered as a monster. “Yes, he would often — with the passing of time — try to ameliorate heartlessness with charity, as if that made the balance sheet even in the human-being department.” Oof. “Worst of all, he was a bully, who seized on a spineless employee or an out-of-favor player and did not have the compassion to know when he had crossed the line from tough owner to outright indecency.” Can someone ever truly go from being a tough owner to being outright indecency? And is this really the right time to rip into him?
The man did a lot wrong (he was banned from baseball twice), but when even Dave Winfield is choosing to remember him fondly, maybe name-calling isn’t the right way to go. Then again, I imagine George is up in Heaven right now (after being introduced at the gates by the voice of Bob Sheppard), throwing harps at the wall and demanding that someone get Joel Sherman on the phone.
Hell, even the president of the Red Sox (Larry Lucchino) called Steinbrenner “one of the most important people in the history of the game.” Rudy 9iu11ani remembers Steinbrenner in He brought Yanks — and the city — back to life (which, you may be shocked to learn, centers on 9/11).
But my favorite quote comes from Harvey Greene, the former public-relations director for the Yanks. “The phone would ring in the middle of the night, and you knew it was either Mr. Steinbrenner or a death in the family. After a while, you started to root for a death in the family.”
B’also? Thanks to that whole expiration of the federal estate tax, George’s family pays nothing. Had he died in 2009, they would have owed $500,000,000. Had he died in 2011, they would have owed just under $600,000,000.
Figure out which politicians allowed that lapse in the estate tax and make it your mission to help them leave office. Forever.
“About 150 people” showed up to the Landmarks Preservation Commission hearing at the Hunter College Auditorium to debate whether or not the building that is slated to become a mosque (and community center) has landmark status. Andrea Quinn showed up to say, “The plan to build a 13-story mosque on that site is ludicrous. Not to preserve this building is to allow for a citadel of Islamic supremacy to be built in its place.” Hunter College’s president (Jennifer Raab) must be thrilled that such ignorance could echo through her school’s auditorium. And speaking of ignorance and Jennifer Raab, here’s her husband…
…Michael Goodwin. He also discusses George Steinbrenner in A heart just as warm as his temper, which begins, “Over the years, I occasionally was invited to watch a Yankee game from George Steinbrenner’s box at the Stadium.” How touching (and poorly worded).
Over in There’s no one better at spawning bad ideas, he rips into Eric Holder for a number of things including the fact that “As attorney general, he has hired at least nine lawyers who represented terror suspects to be part of his team.” Liz Cheney would be proud to learn that Mikey is still using her argument to monger fear. What a colossal asshole.
On Page Six (today on page 14), Jennifer Raab is mentioned (for the second time in three pages!) with regards to Hunter College possibly hiring Lewis Burke Frumkes, who was recntly let go from Marymount. Seems weird to have that piece on Page Six, right? I wonder if they would still have run it if she wasn’t Goodwin’s wife…
State Senator Eric Schneiderman was involved in a “minor car accident outside the New York 1 studios in Chelsea and then fled the scene.” His driver (allegedly) “sideswiped a [parked] vehicle… and pulled away without leaving a note.”
That driver’s name? Rachel Kagan, 22, niece of Elena Kagan. I wonder if the GOP will mention this when they unanimously oppose Kagan’s confirmation for no good reason.
Another day, another recording of Mel Gibson freaking out. “You’re a fucking using whore! Now, I own you!” Oh, Mel. You had me at “fucking using.”
Fun fact: Oksana Grigorieva turned down a $20,000,000 offer from Mel in exchange for Mel getting their child “20 percent of the time.” I have a feeling that most judges will bring that number down to 0.
Congratulations to Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz, who got married in the Bahamas sometime this month.
From Tom Cruise to Matthew McConaughey to Javier Bardem… well played, Penelope.
“The Second Circuit Court of Appeals in Manhattan unanimously ruled that the [FCC's] ‘indecency policy’ adopted after U2 singer Bono dropped the F-bomb at the 2003 Golden Globe Awards show was ‘unconstitutionally vague.’ ‘For instance, while the FCC concluded that “bullshit” in an NYPD Blue episode was patently offensive, it concluded that “dick” and “dickhead” were not,’ the ruling said. ‘Other expletives such as “pissed off,” “up yours,” “kiss my ass” and “wiping his ass” were also not found to be patently offensive.’”
Somewhere, George Carlin is smiling (and dodging Steinbrenner’s harps).
There’s a story about how Roberts Cherry, currently an inmate at the Tombs in Manhattan, has managed to steal $100 in pens and $1,000 in stamps from the jail’s commissary.
“Officers recovered the roll of stamps from Cherry’s butt during a strip search.”
I’m not getting my mail for a while.
Scott E. Bayou, of Maspeth, writes in to say, “I want to thank LeBron [James] for telling spoiled billionaire Mayor Bloomberg, ‘No.’”
Well said, Scott. Delusional and absurd, but well said.
Ed Koch has a piece on page 29 about his relationship with George Steinbrenner, bringing George’s page total to roughly 42.
RadioShack Corp. shares rose 4.1% (to $22.41) on speculation that the company might be the target of a takeover bid. I still don’t understand how/why they’re still in business.
Citigroup is back up to $4.30/share.
Crude oil is up to $77.15/barrel.
MOVIE REVIEWS! (on a Wednesday!?!)
Lou Lumenick gives Inception four stars, calling it “This year’s best so far.”
Kyle Smith gives The Sorcerer’s Apprentice one star in a review titled “PUT HIM IN A CAGE… lock it and throw away the key, so Nicolas won’t star in another stinker like this.”
Jeff Craig gives The Sorcerer’s Apprentice four stars.
Pete Hammond calls The Sorcerer’s Apprentice “SPELLBINDING.”
Armond White gives Inception a fiercely negative review (Despicable Inception). I counted at least 15 glaring typos. Try and find them all!
There were a bunch of Yankees playing in the All-Star Game. Alex Rodriguez was there, but never played. Jeter was 1-for-2 with a walk. Cano was 0-for-1, but his sacrifice fly scored the American League’s only run. Pettitte pitched a scoreless inning. But it wasn’t all good — Nick Swisher was 0-for-1 (strikeout) and Phil Hughes gave up two hits in the seventh, setting the National League up with what would become a three-run inning for them. Oh, well. Congratulations to the National League for winning their first ASG since 1996.
E! is reporting that Jersey Shore’s Snooki (the modern Italian-American’s answer to Stepin Fetchit) “is being contacted by unnamed network execs to star in her own show.” Allow me to suggest some titles: Jersey Whore! Snookered! So You Think You Want Chlamydia! Are You Smarter Than A Fifth of Cheap Vodka?! Judge Stupid! Why The World Hates America! Short, Tan, Dim (STD)!
MTV is bringing back Beavis and Butthead — all-new episodes are currently in production. Wait… don’t they need music videos for that?
TODAY (TODAY)
Steinbrenner makes an appearance on the bottom left corner of the cover, and is featured on pages 8,9, and 84-89. Maybe that will clam down his ghost. Also on the cover is Mel Gibson (Lethal wacko). Today’s addition to his seemingly endless list of transgressions is that he once pointed a gun at his Russian girlfriend and told her, “I will show you how to get out of here fast.” And in the fourth tape released (how many of these things are there?), he complains to Oksana that, “You went to sleep and didn’t blow me!”
I’d love to hear what Jodie Foster thinks of all this.
Angelina Jolie has asked local promoters to find and invite Russian spy Anna Chapman to the Moscow premiere of Salt. Maybe Jolie wants to adopt her?
CBS and NBC have refused to air a commercial that urges New Yorkers to protest the mosque that is scheduled to be built near Ground Zero. The ad is produced by The National Republican Trust PAC and features images from 9/11 (including one of the planes hitting the WTC and a body falling from the roof of one of the towers) and “Arabic men dancing in celebration and buildings exploding.”
“On Sept. 11, they declared war against us. And to celebrate that murder of 3,000 Americans, they want to build a monstrous, 13-story mosque at Ground Zero,” says the solemn narrator. Excellent use of the word “they.”
ABC and Fox say they weren’t asked to air the ad. $20 says Fox eventually does.
Remember Patrick Pogan? He’s the fat Irish cop who pushed a bicyclist in Times Square in 2008 (and then tried to frame him for assault and then later commited perjury). He was sentenced yesterday to… nothing. No jail, no probation, no community service, no fine.
What a crock of shit.
Poor Sarah Palin.
Her promiscuous daughter, Bristol, is marrying the father of her child, Levi Johnston. She told People magazine the good news before she told her parents. “It is intimidating and scary just to think about what her reaction is going to be,” Bristol said. Even her daughter is afraid of her!
Hey, maybe they can double-wed with Chelsea Clinton!
I can’t wait for their imminent ugly divorce.
Mandrea is in top form today.
Mel beats out Alec for Oscar in obnoxious proclaims that “Mel Gibson has overtaken Alec Baldwin in the race for the title of World’s Scariest Human.” I think Mandrea is just angry that she’s not qualified to compete.
But her main piece today is ‘The Kids’ are not all right and it’s almost as ugly as Ms. Peyser herself. She insists that the new movie The Kids Are Not All Right (“the most self-righteously moralistic movie to hit the big screen since Forrest Gump“) “preaches an undeniable Hollywood truth: Men, and boys who will be men, are not just bad. They’re corrupt, amoral horndogs. And women, especially neurotic, lesbian mommies who drive Volvos, watch gay male porn (go figure!) and get plastered before lunch, are perfect.” I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I have a strong hunch that this is a grotesque over-simplification.
Mandrea provides odd quotes some other women. “‘Hollywood has set the stage for the gay agenda, nothing new,’ said Laura Bailey, Brooklyn mom of two boys. ‘Why do you think they did propaganda films in the 1940s? They’re setting the new norm.’” Um… what? Are you actually criticizing the stuff Hollywood did to support the war effort? Wow.
“‘The movie industry is doing its best to undermine the American family,’ said Patricia Whitehead, Connecticut mom of two girls. ‘Hollywood — we don’t care about the sick lives you lead behind closed doors. Just don’t bring children into it.’” Um… the movie rated R, Patricia. I’m sorry that you think portraying homosexuals in a positive light threatens your family (and every other family in the country), but children aren’t allowed to see this movie (unless accompanied by a parent, guardian or brainwashing transsexual).
“Therapist Karen Kopitz saw through the gay proselytizing. ‘I’m not anti-gay,’ she said. ‘But I don’t think you can compensate for the male-female role model.’ That doesn’t mean Hollywood can’t try.”
I’m not anti-Mandrea, I just think that every other writer in America is smarter and less of a bigot than she is.
A Nebraska TV station bought the stuffed corpse of Roy Rogers’ horse, Trigger, for $266,000 at auction.
For context, Roy Rogers’ saddle went for $386,500. And was easier to take home.
Dick Cheney underwent heart surgery last week. Sadly, he is recuperating.
“A reputed crime-family captain, with the nom-de-mob ‘Big Nose,’ dug in for some nasal gabagool during an appearance in Brooklyn federal court yesterday — picking and pulling the entire time the judge instructed the jury on deliberations. Then he disgustingly licked every finger.”
Oh, well then he must be insane.
Another full-page ad from BP on page 29, this one focusing on Cleanup.
At least their ad is focused on cleaning up the Gulf.
Apple is holding an emergency press conference tomorrow to discuss the iPhone 4’s “death grip” problem.
iCan’twait.
The Yankees don’t play tonight, but they have a 3-game homestand against Tampa Bay starting tomorrow. We’re only 2 games ahead of Tampa Bay, so we have to win at least one to maintain our lead.
A-Rod didn’t play in the All-Star Game because of a sore thumb.
And Phil Mushnick spends an entire page (87) explaining why he will always hate George Steinbrenner. Neat!
Piers Morgan will reportedly get $6,000,000/year (for three years) to replace Larry King.
Who would want to watch that effete jerk interview anyone?
Dustin Hoffman is producing and starring in a new HBO series about horse racing called Luck. Yawn, right?
Yes, except the pilot was written by Deadwood’s David Milch. And Dennis Farina, Nick Nolte and Richard Kind are co-stars. No yawn. Only yay.
I’m sleeping on the couch (my wife and I aren’t fighting; she took a mild dose of radiation for a bodyscan and we’re supposed to keep six feet between us at all times — just to be super-safe) and the back of my neck feels like someone punched me in it. Sigh. Such is life. Time to fetch lunch.
Be well, all, and come see Let’s Have A Ball and/or The Inferno this week!
I am exhausted. In fact, I may go to sleep in the next ten minutes.
Double-header tomorrow.
In the meantime, here’s a re-mix of Christian Bale’s tirade on the Terminator: Salvation set and some of Mel Gibson’s more recent rantings at his babymama. Totes NSFW.
G’night!
Radar Online says their exclusive audio of Mel Gibson can’t be republished anywhere, so alls I can do is provide the link to their site. It’s pretty amazing.
The Post’s front page features a fairly spooky headshot of Mel (and one of his Russian babymama) with the headline MAD MEL TAPE #2: Vile death threat in lunatic rant at ex-gal pal (which makes it sound like his current pal used to be a gal) and a prominent excerpt of the aforementioned rant: “You need a fucking bat in the side of the head. All right?”
Here are some more excerpts: “Shut the fuck up! YOU SHOULD JUST FUCKING SMILE AND BLOW ME! CAUSE I DESERVE IT!… You have no fucking soul.” and “Don’t threaten me. I’ll put you in a fucking rose garden. You understand that? Because I’m capable of it. You understand that?”
There’s much, much more, but the Radar link has all of it so there’s little point in re-typing all of Mel’s gems.
There are also plenty of typos. “…an Los Angeles casting director…” and “…in which he all buy admits beating her…” and (in a quote from “one source close to Gibson” that the Post uses to illustrate the seemingly popular belief that his gold-digging girlfriend is trying to extort money from him) “Let’s not kid ourselves. This is about the welfare of the child — it’s just a good, old-fashioned shakedown.” Is it just me or does that quote contradict itself?
But my favorite tidbit is from Walter Kirn (author of Up In The Air), who claims that he recently interviewed Gibson (for a magazine article he was working on) and Gibson took out a plastic tube “filled with noxious yellow ointment” from a small black case and “slathered [it] on his forearms.” Gibson said it was selegiline and that it was made from cow brains and helped Mel with his “male menopause.” “Mel claimed that it cleans the neurotransmitters and sharpens mental focus,” Kirn said. But selegiline is actually used to treat “depression and senile dementia.”
Gibson is supposed to be directing Leonardo DiCaprio soon in a new movie, but rumor has it Leo wants to pull out. I can’t imagine why.
Whoopi Goldberg, meanwhile, came to Mel’s defense to say that she doesn’t believe he’s a racist. To show his appreciation, Gibson told Whoopi that he hopes she gets raped by a pack of niggers.
L’Ecole (the restaurant located at the French Culinary Institute) has created “oil-spill-inspired ice cream to raise funds for victims.” It’s bourbon-butter pecan “studded with chocolate tar balls.”
Other flavors on their menu include: Peanut-chet (a mass grave of chocolate women covered with peanut butter ice cream), Haiti Green Tea (no matter what size you purchase, you only get 2% of it), Dachau Cacao (some people insist that this flavor is wildly exaggerated, if it even exists), and 9/Unleavened (clouds of gray vanilla ice cream with matzoh rubble and miniature chocolate airplanes).
“Governor” Paterson on yesterday revelation that a subsidiary of his wife’s employer (GHI) got a sweetheart no-bid contract from his office: “My first learning that there was a contract was reading it in the newspaper.” Well, I guess that’s that. Oh, except that a press release was issued by Paterson’s office 13 days ago, which says that the state “requested that GHI serve as the designated nonprofit contractor.” Oops.
Paterson’s spokesman (Morgan Hook) responded by pointing out that it was Paterson’s press office that issued that press release, not Paterson. Well, I guess that’s that.
Geri Brin’s 31-year-old son still isn’t married. So, she started a new Web site where “she and other parents can find perfect matches for their single kids.”
And how does Geri’s son, Colby, feel about that? “One thing about my mom, she has perseverance. I can picture her on her deathbed… choking out the words, ‘Colby, did you call that girl?’ before fading into darkness.”
If my mother did this, I’d be picturing her on her deathbed, too.
Pedro Espada held a press conference yesterday where he told the crowd, “God is in me.”
God could not be reached for comment. Despite being everywhere.
Page Six (today on page 12) claims that Lindsay Lohan is “close” to signing Robert Shapiro to help her overturn her recent sentence. I’d make a joke, but the last time someone asked Shapiro to do something ridiculous and impossible, he did it (although he might not be able to do it again, now that Johnny Cochran is in Hell).
B’also? Lohan is being offered “over $500,000 for the rights to the pre-jail interview, the prison diary and the first chat when she is released.” That was close! She almost went a day without being enabled!
On the second page of Page Six (today on page 13), we learn that Marlo Thomas will joi Demi Moore and Miley Cyrus in the coming-of-age comedy LOL: Laughing Out Loud.
I thought this might be a joke, so I looked it up on IMDB. Sadly, it’s true. But here’s something that made me smile: “Shooting begins in July in Detroit.”
Hopefully at Miley.
If you happen to see a 350-foot, 2,400-ton bridge floating down the Hudson River today, don’t panic (but if you’re a bum, rub your eyes incredulously and then look at your hooch before throwing it over your shoulder — it’s the law). It’s just the Willis Avenue Bridge being delivered from the Albany County place it was built (the Port of Coeymans).
The People’s Daily in China reports that the Taliban in Afghanistan is “training monkeys to use weapons to attack American troops.” The Post uses a photo of a monkey with a rifle (poorly) Photoshopped into his paws. It took me exactly 60 seconds to find actual photos.
The Chinese publication went on to say, “Today, the Taliban forces have given the American troops some of their own medicine.” I have absolutely no idea what that is supposed to mean.
Roman Polanski is no longer under house arrest. Switzerland has officially rejected the United States’ request for extradition.
You just made the list, Switzerland.
Consumer Reports has confirmed the existence of the iPhone 4’s “death grip” (calls are dropped when you touch a particular section of the device’s left side). Apple’s solution? “Apple has suggested that iPhone 4 owners buy a protective rubber case.”
What amazes me most is that this will probably not affect sales of the iPhone 4. But it should greatly increase sales of protective cases.
Rachelle Spector, 30, is releasing her debut album (which is titled Out of My Chelle for some reason) on July 20th. She’s the wife of Phil Spector, 70, who produced the album (while on trial for murder!).
“I talked to my husband yesterday, and he said he’s more excited about this project than he was about The Beatles or Tina Turner,” trumpeted Rachelle.
Meanwhile, Dan Aquilante gave the disc a half-star review. Here’s a 30-second clip of the video for her first (and hopefully last) single:
It’s so bad, I want to put a gun in her mouth.
Too soon?
Larry Thompson has purchased (for six figures!) the rights to produce a TV-movie version of Kitty Kelley’s biography of Oprah Winfrey (Oprah: A Biography). He hopes to broadcast the finished product in September 2011.
If he lives that long.
Sherri Shepherd and D.L. Hughley are being criticized by gay groups for “blaming increased HIV rates among African-American women on African-American gay and bisexual men” on The View on June 22nd. Wait… Sherri Shepherd said something ignorant?
I watched the “Hot Topics” segment of the show (it’s on YouTube) and was even more blown away by Elizabeth’s hissy fit at Joy after Joy pointed out that prayer often takes the place of actual thought. Elizabeth called Joy a bigot. Sherri then comforted Joy by telling her, “[Elizabeth] doesn’t mean it the way you think she does.”
Everyone on that show needs to be encased in amber (except Joy) for future generations to study and also so they’d stop talking.
It is POURING outside. I can’t wait to go into Manhattan tonight!
Tomorrow I’m going with Teresa to a doctor’s appointment, then rehearsing from 11-1, then eating lunch, then another doctor’s appointment in the afternoon. I’ll write, but I know not when (prolly late).
See you then!
Let’s Have A Ball did a 4-person show on Saturday. Brandon, Scott, Kay and I had a blast, though the show was far darker than any other LHAB (that I’ve seen or done, at least). It’s been a while since I’ve made half an audience collectively gasp (read the papers, people — I was just repeating what Mel Gibson said in the context of a scene where someone was secretly recorded being racist). Oddly, the biggest gasp/groan of the night came when I apologized to Brandon for thinking the tiger semen he was supplying me was fake and that the pubic lion hair I found in it must have fallen out of my beard (it wasn’t the ass-rape scene or the AIDS references or telling Kay that she might get gang-raped by a bunch of niggers — it was the idea of someone having a lion’s pubic hair in their beard that made the audience most uneasy).
Last night, Dog Court had their seventh Inferno appearance. Their challenge? To recreate the entire plot of Jurassic Park (with no deviation and no characters who weren’t actually in the movie). I saw that movie when it originally came out… and never again. Jeff was equally clueless. And yet… we pulled it off. Only two more shows to go.
We went to The Molly Wee afterwards and I ate a club sandwich, which (hours later) made me violently ill. Memo to self: Stop eating at The Molly Wee.
SATURDAY
* Holy uproar as Pedro eyes church voters accuses Pedro Espada of proclaiming (after butting heads with Father George Stewart on whether or not Espada would be allowed to hold a fruit-and-vegetable-giveaway outside of the church in Norwood where Stewart has been pastor for years), “I despise the Catholic Church and everything it stands for” (according to one parishioner). Another parishioner disagrees with that quote, insisting that Espada actually said, “I hate Catholics.” Either way, I’m happy as a clam who just got some exceptionally good news.
* Yet still more Mel Gibson quotes, this time about his girlfriend’s fake boobs. “You’re trying to breast-feed with fucking foreign bodies in you? Keep them if you want, they look stupid. Keep ‘em if you want. Look stupid. See if I give a fuck. They look like a Vegas whore. And you go around sashaying in your tight clothes. I won’t stand for that anymore.”
* The oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico started on April 20th. On Friday, National Incident Commander Thad Allen claimed that the spill might be completely contained “in the next three days.”
* New York Rep. Anthony Weiner got married today and former President Bill Clinton presided. Mazel Tov, Weiner!
* Chrysler has made its last PT Cruiser. (moment of silence)
* An EMS ambulance hit a car and the car went into a bus on West 125th Street at 11:45 a.m. on Friday. Fifteen people were injured, six of them seriously. Good thing there was already an ambulance at the scene!
* Remember the lawsuit that Irina Krupnik had brought against Couples Retreat? Because Jon Favreau masturbated to her photo and she found that distasteful and defamatory? A judge threw her case out of court. Turns out the contract she signed for the original photo shoot “expressly waives any claims for misappropriation of the right of privacy or publicity and defamation.” Oops.
* Chrysler has recalled 22,000 SUVs and trucks. And Ford has recalled over 30,000 2010 Transit Connect vans. Your move, Renault!
* Nicolas Cage took his 4-year-old (Kal-el) to a screening of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Cage had to take him home halfway through the movie because he got “spooked by the movie’s action.” Either that or Kal-el is a prodigy film critic.
* Knicks fan Matthew Modine (yes, that Matthew Modine) penned Slap a falling ’star’ which begins “Fuck LeBron James.” This is a really awful newspaper.
* I didn’t watch LeBron’s “special” but I heard that the “impartial” interviewer (Jim Gray) wasn’t very good, that his questions made softballs look like bullets. Turns out James’ marketing team set up an entity to pay Gray. Nice.
* Ever hear of Bruno Souza? He’s the goalkeeper for Brazil’s Flamengo soccer team. He’s a superstar in Brazil. He also hired people to kill his former mistress (who had just given birth to his child four months earlier), chop her up and feed her to some dogs. Methinks he’s going to GAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
* “Nearly 300 New Yorkers have ponied up $11,956 online to the fund that this week had raised about $700,000, according to numbers compiled by the Arizona Governor’s Office.” And then nearly 300 New Yorkers reminded nearly 300 illegal immigrants when to pick their kids up from private school, before going to nearly 300 fancy restaurants where illegal immigrants prepared the food they ate and/or bused their tables.
* Michelle Malkin’s The Racist Rules of O’s Justice Dept. is exactly what you’d expect from her. ‘Nuff said.
* Jacob Sullum’s Why Kagan’s Wrong on Natural Rights unintentionally explains why Jacob Sullum is wrong about Elena Kagan. It’s also the first Kagan story, editorial or mention in the sports section that doesn’t imply/call her a lesbian.
* AT&T U-Verse (I don’t know what that is, either) is threatening to pull WE TV, IFC and AMC off the air in the very near future. AMC’s Mad Men returns on July 25th (though maybe not to U-Verse’s 2,000,000 subscribers).
* The Yankees won their seventh in a row (55-31), but not against Cliff Lee. He was traded to Texas (not New York) hours before he was supposed to take the mound in Seattle. See you next year, Cliff!
SUNDAY
The main cover story (RETIRE MINT) claims that, for every $1 city workers pay into their pensions, taxpayers pay $8.60. Sigh. There are so many things I love about New York. This isn’t one of them. Knowing that for every $1 a transit employee pays, I pay $5.60 is quite aggravating (it’s $1 : $9.13 for cops and $1 : $15.50 for teachers).
Page 3 is almost entirely devoted to Lady Gaga’s ex-boyfriend (Luc Carl) who is once again her boyfriend. He is described as “perpetually clad in snakeskin spandex and headbands.” There are two photos of him provided. He isn’t wearing snakeskin spandex or headbands in either.
Angelina Jolie got a new tattoo on her inner thigh. When asked what it is, she replied, “Oh, it’s for Brad, it’s something for Brad.”
I’m assuming it’s a list of chores.
LaToya Jackson is telling anyone who will listen that her brother Michael spent thousands on a procedure to implant vocal chords in Bubbles (his chimp), in order to help the primate speak. But when he found out that the procedure might kill Bubbles, Michael changed his mind. And why is LaToya talking about Bubbles? Because she’s trying to milk whatever residual publicity might still exist in the aftermath of this:
See how Bubbles keeps looking away, not even trying to mask his lack of interest? And yet people still doubt evolution?
Page Six (today on page 10) reports that the judge who sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 90 days in jail has told lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley that she can’t drop Lohan as a client until she finds new counsel. I find this odd because Page Six reported days ago that Lohan did find new counsel.
Doesn’t the judge read Page Six? And doesn’t Page Six read Page Six? Jeez!
There’s a great piece on “the Barefoot Bandit” (Colton Harris-Moore) on page 13. It ends with “Moore is still at large.” Before reading this article, I read about Moore’s arrest on HuffPo. Oops.
A 72-year-old Romanian widow was afraid that her husband was faking his death in order to start a new life with a mistress (which he may or may not have actually had), so she kept his body in their home for two weeks — just to be sure.
All of a sudden, my self-esteem problem seems insignificant by comparison.
Pedro Espada responds to yesterday’s allegations: “There is no beef with anyone. I don’t know who Father Stewart is.”
Well played, Pedro.
South African prostitutes say that business has been terrible ever since the World Cup started.
Ipso facto, I conclude that most soccer fans are gay.
Discuss.
BP update!
“Over the next four to seven days, depending on how things go, we should get that sealing cap on,” said Kent Wells (his name is Wells! Ha!), a BP senior vice president. But this would be “a temporary solution.”
I’m not even going to bother crossing my fingers. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me forty-seven times and I stop listening.
iGeneration hits breaking point begins, “Children are breaking limbs far more than they did decades ago — and the problem might be that they aren’t playing outside enough.” True, but it might also be because clowns today are far more violent than they were twenty years ago.
Did you know that there was a (successful!) terrorist attack on the 1939 World’s Fair? Me neither! But, if you’d like to read about it, pick up James Mauro’s new book (Twilight at the World of Tomorrow: Genius, Madness, Murder and the 1939 World’s Fair on the Brink of War).
Emeril Lagasse lists his favorite places to eat in NYC. He claims that Il Vagabondo on East 62nd Street has “the best veal parm in the city” and that Momofuku is worth a visit. He is the 3,082nd person to tell me that (the latter, not the former). Soon.
Jay Baruchel tells Reed Tucker that, while filming The Sorcerer’s Apprentice in Chinatown, “A giant Chinatown-sized rat fell off a roof, bounced off an awning and fell on an extra’s face. She had to go to the hospital.”
Somewhere in Heaven, Janet Wilder is smiling.
(She’s the stuntwoman who was killed during the filming of the Joe Pesci/Danny Glover comedy Gone Fishin’… which was painful to watch despite being co-written by… J.J. Abrams?! Who also wrote the Jim Belushi vehicle Taking Care of Business?!?)
ASK ASHLEY! (just two questions this week)
I’m 28 and still a virgin. I’m just curious to know how guys in similar situations are viewed by women based on today’s societal standards. Also, should I keep this to myself when I’m finally ready to lose my virginity, or be honest with my partner and inform her about it beforehand? — Victor
ASHLEY: “I’d love for my guy to have only been with me, and I’m sure he feels the same way. But unfortunately, for most relationships, that’s not the case.”
ME: “I’d love for my wife to have not been a prostitute who accepted money from strangers to do unspeakable things to her body… oh, wait. My wife wasn’t a prostitute. That was Ashley Dupre. My bad. B’also? If you’re a virgin and you don’t tell your partner before your first time in bed, she’ll find out anyway a few seconds after you start (if you can hold out that long).”
Sometimes my partner just doesn’t find that special place for me to orgasm before he does, and I just don’t feel like continuing. What are your thoughts on faking it? — Cara, 29, Chelsea
ASHLEY: “At the end of the day, sex is not a one-man sport.”
ME: “Has anyone else noticed that Ashley uses ‘at the end of the day’ at least once every week? And, admittedly taken somewhat out of context, isn’t her answer funny when you think of her former (?) profession?”
The Yankees lost when Joba gave up a grand slam in the eighth. We’re 55-32.
TODAY (MONDAY)!
Two stories on the cover — one is hilarious, one is sad-making. There’s “Jimmy Jump,” the soccer fan who jumped on the field before the Spain-Netherlands World Cup game in order to put a hat on the trophy (the cover photo shows an official delivering (what looks like) a clothesline and knocking “Jimmy” on his ass.
The other story is BAD BIDNESS, which claims that “Governor” Paterson’s administration awarded a $297,000,000 health-care contract to GHI — without public notice or competitive bidding. GHI’s parent company is Emblem Health, who stands to gain up to $30,000,000 on the deal. Fun fact: Michelle Paterson, the “governor’s” wife, is employed by… Emblem Health. Of course she is.
It’ll be nice when ethics are finally introduced into politics. Expect it to happen in 2012…093458.
A former employee of the Working Families Party (remember them?) claims they encouraged him to break the law (faking signatures and trespassing are just two of his allegations), so he quit. The man’s name? Patrick Crooks. Tee-hee!
BP update!
“‘We’re pleased with our progress,’ Senior VP Kent Wells said — before adding that the operation was still expected to last up to six more days.”
Well, as long as BP is pleased. That’s the most improtant thing.
A photograph on page 9 of “the Barefoot Bandit” in custody shows him wearing cargo shorts, a t-shirt and a bullet-proof vest. The description provided by America’s worst newspaper? “[He] emerged from a plane wearing camouflage pants, a short-sleeved shirt and a bullet-proof vest.”
And lest you worry that this 19-year-old who committed “nearly 70″ crimes (including burglary, grand theft auto, breaking and entering, among many others) isn’t being shown the error of his ways, his mother has hired Courtney Love’s former entertainment attorney to help negotiate a book deal. And 20th Century Fox has bought the film rights to his crime spree.
Lesson learned.
Page Six (today on page 10) claims that Kelsey Grammer dumped his wife of 13 years (Camille Donatacci) a month ago, but insisted that she go with him to the Tonys and pretend that their relationship wasn’t over. A “source” said, “Kelsey was so cold.”
Maybe he’s getting back together with Lilith?
Still no Cindy Adams.
That was not a complaint, merely an observation.
On October 20th, 2010, Bob Sheppard would’ve been 100 years old. Sadly, he passed away on Sunday.
If you’ve ever been to Yankee Stadium and wondered why the announcer sounded with Wilford Brimley was drowning, it’s because Sheppard was a legacy. He was the Yankees’ announcer for more than fifty (50) years (his last game was September 5th, 2007, due to health problems that never fully went away). Reggie Jackson gave him his “Voice of God” nickname. He will be missed (though recordings of his voice will continue to be played to introduce players, per the team’s request).
Sabathia did his job yesterday and the Yankees head into the All-Star Break 56-32 (.636).
Well done, guys.
Jesse Jackson (remember him?) has said of Dan Gilbert (owner of the Cavaliers), “His feelings of betrayal personify a slavemaster mentality. He sees LeBron as a runaway slave.”
Wait… that didn’t rhyme…?
…and we’re all caught up. I thank you for your seemingly infinite patience.
See you tomorrow!
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