There is a pile of New York Posts next to my bed. All of them have been read and are ready to be ridiculed, but I don’t think I will ever have the time to do them justice. I’ve started coaching more frequently, so many of the things that I would do at night now have to be done during the day.

But the fact that I have roughly 1,000 people stopping by every month to read Entertainment… Weakly. makes me feel an obligation to continue as best I can.

So, let’s compromise. The stack of old papers will go into my recycling bin and I’ll start fresh with today’s paper. I will try my darnedest to return to normal from here on out, and if I am unable to devote a large percentage of my day to writing, I will (at the very least) find one juicy item in the paper to share/mock.

And now for something completely painful: The 8/17/10 Late City Final Edtion of the New York Post.

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K-ROD KO’d: Punch injury ends his season is today’s main cover story (the casting of Rooney Mara as the titular lead in the remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and the head wound that Eli Manning suffered in last night’s exhibition game — he needed 12 stitches! — are the other front-page items). It seems that the Mets’ star closer (Francisco Rodriguez) tore a thumb ligament when he (allegedly) repeatedly punched his girlfriend’s father in the face (and slammed his head into a concrete wall) in the Mets’ family room (who says irony is dead?). Rule #1, K-Rod: Never assault the grandfather of your children with your pitching hand!

He has one more year on his 3-year/$37,000,000 contract with the Mets. Will they still honor it? Prior to the news that he would miss the rest of the season, his punishment for the (alleged) assault was a two-game suspension, but now that he’s useless for (at least) the rest of 2010, maybe the Mets will cut ties with Mr. Rodriguez. I hope so, but I doubt it will happen. Athletes rarely face consequences for their actions.

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On August 17th, Julia Acevedo Taylor decided to breast-feed her baby daughter while patronizing Lily O’Brien’s Chocolate Cafe in Bryant Park (I guess this happened in 2009, as most newspapers are incapable of reporting on things on the day they occur — although the date could easily be a typo, as this is a horrible newspaper). The manager asked her to “stop doing that.” Taylor “politely declined,” explaining that the manager’s request was illegal. The manager responded by insisting that Taylor and her daughter to “leave and never come back.”

Taylor is now suing the chocolatier for “severe emotional distress and loss of dignity.” She claims that the incident was so traumatic that she “hasn’t been able to feed her baby girl in public since.” The manager has since been fired and the cafe now has a sticker on their front door that says, “Breast-feeding welcome.”

While I absolutely agree that Taylor was wronged, I find her lawsuit (and claims of irreparable trauma) to be a little bit over the top (no pun intended).

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How can we convince South Carolina to go away?

Shaquan Duley, 29, has been charged with leaving the scene of an (automobile) accident after police “recovered the bodies of her 2-year-old and 18-month-old kids — still strapped in their child seats — from a river.” She claimed that she was trying to flag down a motorist (as she had no cellphone) and that’s why she left the scene of the tragedy, but County Sheriff Larry Williams didn’t buy it.

“She showed some emotion, but I can’t say she was overly distraught. Early in the investigation, there was not enough indicators to substantiate… an accident,” he told reporters. This was in Orangeburg, South Carolina. You may remember another South Carolina resident who drove her kids into a lake: Susan Smith.

Even the fact that the sheriff said “there was not enough indicators” makes me mildly nauseous.

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In a piece about the New Meadowlands Stadium, Jets fan Parker Yates, 50, proclaimed, “I’m glad there is no roof on it. We want Peyton Manning here in the playoffs. Let him play in the wind and the cold.”

The average low in February for the city of Indianapolis is 22.5°F (-5.28°C).

Jets fans are not the sharpest knives in the drawer of knives.

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Remeber those detestable socialites/fame-whores, Tareq and Michaele Salahi? Who are being prominently featured on (the equally detestable) Bravo’s The Real Housewives of DC? Well, they were interviewed for HBO’s Real Sports (their charity, “America’s Polo Cup” is currently under investigation for fraud) and they told Bernard Goldberg that “We’ve been the ‘it couple’ for the past decade” and that they want to “return to who they were.”

I will say it again for the cheap seats: Every time you watch one of these grotesque “reality” shows, you encourage the elevation of the biggest scumbags in the world to celebrity status. Please. Stop. Watching.

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According to Page Six (today on page 10), Conan O’Brien and his wife (Liza Powell) were recently spotted dining with Maury Povich and Connie Chung at Lattanzi.

There has to be an easier way to generate material, no?

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Steven Slater (who has 211,035 that “Like” him on Facebook) has been revealed to be a liar (almost every passenger on his infamous flight claim he had his injury before anyone boarded and that he was acting drunk and belligerent the whole time). But why should that stop him from getting his own “reality” show?

Sure, he’s facing charges of “criminal mischief, reckless endangerment and trespassing,” but who wouldn’t want to watch him host a TV show “about disgruntled workers quitting in dramatic fashion”? Besides me and everyone I know?

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Philip Markoff was the Craigslist Killer (shouldn’t that be “one of the Craigslist Killers“?) and everyone wished he would die a horrible death. Amazingly, he obliged. Exactly a year and a day after he was supposed to marry his fiancée, Megan McAllister (remember her and all the denial she was in?), he sliced the arteries in his neck, wrists and legs (with a small piece of metal that he shaved down to a fine point). But before he committed suicide, he wrote “Megan” on his jail-cell wall (in blood!). He also wrote “pocket” (“although it was unclear why”).

I’m guessing that he wants his fiancée to look in his pocket for the cryptograph that he made which, when solved, reveals the locations of millions of gold bars buried across the country. Or maybe that’s what he called his fiancée’s vagina.

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Cindy Adams will return soon.

Is anything in this paper factually accurate?

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Mel Gibson drove his Maserati into a Malibu hillside on Sunday night, but he is OK.

Thus disproving the existence of God.

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Zsa Zsa Gabor has been released from the hospital to spend her “final days” at her home in Bel Air.

Very soon, she will be move on to greener acres pastures. You will be missed, Zsa.

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A (not very successful) bank robber gave a teller at the Chase on 37th and 7th a note that read, “This is a robbery, hand over all cash except bait money. You have 15 seconds or else the customers!”

This is why you should never write a stick-up note in haste. And would it have killed you to wear something amusing, you incompetent?

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Hulu is hammering out the details of their initial public offering. They believe their company should be valued at $2,000,000,000.

I agree (give or take $1.8 billion).

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Crude oil has fallen to $75.24/barrel.

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The Yankees have lost their last two and Tampa Bay has won their last three, so we are no longer the only team in first place (Boston is 5 1/2 games behind us).

CC Sabathia (15-5) will pitch tonight. He’s faced the Tigers once already this year (he lost and had a 9.00 ERA). The opposing pitcher (Verlander) faced us once this year, as well (he won and had a 0.00 ERA). Sigh.

Derek Jeter’s career-high 52-game streak of not committing an error ended last night. I would still have his children, though.

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Linda Stasi loves (LOVES!) the new sitcom Big Lake. In fact, she says the second episode, “had me screaming with laughter. I mean, we’re talking seriously funny.”

And what rating did she give it? Why, three stars, of course.

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The end. See you tomorrow, kids.