Remember when a reporter would tell their boss, “I have a story that may be big, but I haven’t been able to confirm it,” and their editor would say, “Well, we can’t run your story until we know whether or not it even is a story”? Neither do I, but my grandfather used to tell me about such a time. Today’s biggest headline belongs to MULLAH MOOLAH: Iran cash might fund mosque at G. Zero.

It might. Or it might not. But why wait until we find out? We can run the mere possibility of it as our cover story right now! Sure, the last US combat brigade has exited Iraq, but let’s limit our coverage of that story to a tiny sidebar on page 16.

This is a really terrible newspaper.

Let’s see what other stories the Post decided to give precedence to in their first 15 pages.

PAC donations flood NJ races: Unions 20 of top 25 funders on page 2 discusses the “record $35.3 million” spent on New Jersey elections last year. But that’s donations to both parties and it doesn’t say how much each PAC gave. It also doesn’t mention the $1,000,000 that Newscorp (owner of the New York Post and Fox News) gave to the Republican Governors Association (which, I’m sure, was fair and balanced).

Snooki hit with ‘pest’ rap on page 3 explains that “after looking at all the information,” “annoying others on the beach” has been added to the two other charges (“disorderly conduct” and “public nuisance”) facing the Jersey Shore cast member. It also claims (and I pray that this is true) that all of the designer bags that Snooki has are being sent to her not by their manufacturers but by their competitors. Her parents must be so proud.

Also on page 3 is LATEST AIRLINE GOUGE which reports that American Airlines is now charging “$19 to $39 for the privilege of sitting in ‘Express Seats’ — normally the two or three first-row seats in the coach cabin.” Also, if you want to both board and deboard a flight, that’s extra. And there’s a tax on wearing puffy director’s pants. I mean not wearing puffy director’s pants.

Jackie O’s perv bro jailed on page 4 is fairly self-explanatory. James Auchincloss pleaded guilty to possessing child porngraphy and will serve 30 days in jail (and three years of probation) as a result. Yeah… that seems fair.

More losing faith in project: poll on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six which is on page 14 today) reports that “a Rasmussen telehone survey released on July 23 found likely voters opposed ‘a mosque near the 9/11 Ground Zero site,’ 58  percent to 20 percent statewide.” Keep in mind, the respondents are all people who, after answering their phones and hearing, “Hi, I’m doing a survey…” don’t hang up. They are the same people who watch Two and a Half Men, buy Kate Gosselin’s books, and believe in angels.

Page 7’s MOSQUE SITE A TOURIST MECCA features opinions of all shapes and sizes — including those of “Philadelphia surgeon Robert Fry, 62, and his wife, Susan.” “It was an insult to our country what their religion did,” said Robert. “I understand both sides of the issue. But this is blatantly in our face,” said Susan (who lives in Philadelphia). It took an Australian woman (Marguerite Pettit, 25) to correctly assess what the Frys are too stupid to grok: “Yes, it was Muslims [who attacked the Twin Towers]. But it was Muslims using religion as a mask to do what they wanted to do.” You know, like a Catholic priest who tells a child that God wants him to be molested and keep it a secret. I don’t see a whole lot of people condemning Catholicism for the actions of most some of their priests.

Roughly 80% of page 9 is devoted to SAD STARS KEEP STIFF UPPER LIP: Death of nip-and-tuck doc Ryan cuts like a knife (see what they did there twice?). My favorite part is that the four mourning-celebrity photos displayed at the top of the page belong to “Janice Dickinson, Melissa Rivers, an unidentified mourner and Gary Busey.” Based on the work Frank Ryan did to photos #1, #2 and #4, I’d say #3 dodged a bullet.

Also on page 9 is the sad tale of the 25-year-old who decided to jump from the balcony of the Jones Beach ampitheater during a Phish concert last night (Horror leap at Phish concert). He fell 25 feet. No one else was injured and the Post isn’t sure what the jumper’s condition is. [insert joke about how I'd probably do the same thing if I was at a Phish concert]

Page 10 is the latest Time Warner Cable vs. a TV network ad, this one on behalf of Verizon FiOS (they already have an agreement with ABC7, so their customers don’t have to worry about whether or not TWC and ABC7 come to an agreement before September 2nd). Oh no! How will TWC customers visit Cougar Town?

Page 11’s Amasser of hi$ domain lists some of the Web addresses sold at yesterday’s DOMAINfest at the Grand Hyatt: Jerseyshore.org sold for $300, bikini.net sold for $50,000, Bigapple.com sold for $70,000, disco.com sold for $255,o00 and t-shirts.com sold for $1,260,000. Just 5 more pages until we get to the troops in Iraq!

Page 12 features So much for cougar gals which begins, “The cougar myth has been declawed.” A new university study (in Wales, mind you) has proven that older women prefer older men, and younger men prefer younger women — even when they get older. Oh no! How will TWC customers react to the lies of Cougar Town?

Page 21 is the latest full=page ad from BP. This time the colors are cartoonishly pristine; the sky behind the clean-up crew (which doesn’t seem to have anything to clean up) is borderline-CGI. It’s so Photoshopped, it’s ridiculous. More money well spent, BP.

A photo of Jay-Z smiling is accompanied by a small sidebar that begins, “It’s a hard-knock life for some… but clearly not for Jay-Z. It’s a wonder, then, why the high-living hip-hop mogul, seen here living it up with his bella Beyoncé while vacationing on the Isle of Capri in Italy, is sporting such a smirk on his face.” It goes on to explain that he made $63,000,000 last year.

Let’s recap: Some people has tough lives, but Jay-Z doesn’t. Therefore, the Post can’t figure out why Jay-Z looks happy. In a related story, Jay-Z made $63,000,000. If you have any idea why Jay-Z might be happy, please call the Post ASAP.

The Yankees and Tampa Bay both won last night. Phil Hughes (14-5) will pitch tonight against Detroit’s Rick Porcello (5-10). Both pitchers have faced the opposing team once this year and both won (with an ERA of 0.00). Should be a really good game tonight.

In other baseball news, the Players Association has informed the Mets that they don’t think Francisco Rodriguez should lose any of the money he is owed on his current contract (despite beating up his children’s grandfather at Citi Field and injuring his pitching hand as a result).

In case you were wondering, Rex Ryan said “fuck” 10 times on the first episode of Hard Knocks, but only 2 times during the second episode. I learned this from the full-color chart on page 84 (Rex-rated). Thanks, Steve Serby!

Linda Stasi reviews the Keeping Up with the Kardashians season premiere: “Oh, the drama! Oh, the angsting! Oh, the makeup!”

She gives it three garbage cans (but doesn’t explain if that’s a good or a bad thing).

This week’s Let’s Have A Ball (Saturday at 7:30 at the UCB) will* feature all 7 of the regular cast members (who still live in New York City): Scott Adsit, Kay Cannon, Becky Drysdale, Brandon Gardner, Christina Gausas, Anthony King and me. If you’ve been meaning to attend but haven’t, this would be a great show to see (though the folks we’ve been having sit in with us are every bit as awesomely funny).

The weekend is slowly approaching. Will Jed and Teresa finally make it back to Coney Island? Will Teresa finally experience the beauty of the Red Hook Fairway? Will the new frozen yogurt place on 9th Street (the one with the chocolate-covered crickets as a topping choice) be sampled? Stay tuned!

* let me change this to “is scheduled to” since anything can happen between then and now in this crazy MTA-dependent town.