Two things before I start:

1) I received a present in the mail yesterday from a long-time supporter of E…W. It’s a CD of “abstract, industrial and experimental” music called Mass Transit (by various artists). The note indicated that it was chosen based solely on my hatred of the MTA. Brilliant. A heart-felt thanks to the sender, Mr. B.

2) There is someone out there who I have come to despise in the last few weeks. This person will prolly never see this and 99.9% of you will never know the person’s true identity. Nevertheless, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell this person that I sincerely hope that grievous harm befalls them. Preferably spinal. And I’d like to dedicate this (NSFW) video to them.

---

Roger Clemens made today’s cover (STRIPE THREE!: Indicted Roger faces 30 years for steroid ‘lies’).

This is what might get someone 30 years in prison (and a $1,500,000 fine)? Lying to Congress about using steroids? When BP or the investment bankers who almost destroyed our economy do it, nothing happens. But Clemens, 48, could feasibly die in prison?

Oh, Roger. You should have beaten a toddler to death with a hairbrush! That carries no fine and you’d be out in five years (less with good behavior)!

---

In IT’S A TOWER POWER PLAY, Malkin is bitching about a “radical” building being considered on page 3 — but not the Malkin (or the building) you think.

Anthony Malkin, president of Malkin Holdings (which runs the Empire State Building) is furious because the building that is being proposed at 32nd Street and Seventh Avenue (15 Penn Plaza) would be 67 stories tall and 1,216 feet tall. That would make it the second-tallest building in Manhattan — and just 34 feet shorter than the ESB. “Are people consciously making the decision that we want to radically change the skyline of New York?” sputters Malkin.

We didn’t get any say the last time the skyline was radically altered, so I don’t think we should need a consensus on this.

---

“A confirmed case of tuberculosis — and two other possible cases — at an MTA facility in Brooklyn has transit officials scrambling to get dozens of employees tested.”

Hmmm… I think I have to annunciate more when I pray to God.

---

Someone phoned in a bogus hijack threat to the San Francisco airport yesterday, grounding a JFK-bound American Airlines flight for several hours. The plane was searched — and a Pakistani couple was led off the craft in handcuffs, questioned and later released — before being cleared for take-off.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, the in-flight movies were Vanilla Sky, Shadowboxer, and Jingle All The Way.

---

Rudy 9iu11ani is asking for the Islamic cultural center to be moved farther away from Ground Zero, saying the project “horribly offend[s] the people who are most affected by this, the families of the Sept. 11 victims.” As Nell Scovell noted on Facebook, this is the same guy who thought the best place for the emergency response operations for the World Trade Center was in the World Trade Center. What an absentee-parent douchebag.

---

24% of the people in this country think Barack Obama is a Muslim, according to Time magazine.

Well done, Rupert.

---

Page Six (today on page 16) reports that “[Countess] LuAnn [de Lesseps] will perform her song, ‘Money Can’t Buy You Class,’ with cannons shooting out cash tomorrow at the Best Buddies benefit at the Hamptons estate of Jay McInerney and Anne Hearst.”

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?

---

Bedbugs were found at the AMC 25 multiplex in Times Square and the 44th floor offices of Elle magazine at 50th Street and Broadway. Still no (credible) reports of bedbugs at the Pavilion, but (thankfully) nothing is playing there that I want to see.

---

Fred Armisen, 43, has separated from his wife of 10 months, Elizabeth Moss, 28, and is now dating Abby Elliot, 23. How very TomKat.

---

Jennifer Aniston was on Live with Regis and Kelly the other day to promote her newest awful movie (and a photo shoot she did for some magazine).

Oh, Jennifer. If you offend people with mental disabilities, who will be left to see The Switch?

---

Wyclef Jean did NOT make the list of approved candidates for the upcoming presidential election in Haiti. He met yesterday with the current president, leading some to believe that he will still be allowed to run.

Or maybe, just maybe, he’ll lead the toe-tappingest coup in history.

---

That town that banned bullfighting must be laughing there chulos off.

A bull (named Quesero) being faught in Tafalla, Spain jumped into the stands and injured 32 people (according to the Post), three of whom are still in the hospital (including a 10-year-old boy). The following video isn’t as graphic as you’d expect, but it’s still not recommended for sissies.

---

A 19-year-old bank robber in Germany e-mailed the police and two newspapers to mock them for getting his age, height and accent wrong in their reports. He also pointed out that he escaped in a car and not on foot.

He has since been arrested because he is an idiot.

---

Ruby’s Bar & Grill, one of Coney Island’s most famous institutions, might be closing at the end of this season.

If true, that’s a damn shame. A greasy, deep-fried, stumbling-alcoholic shame.

---

That concert-goer who jumped from the balcony at Jones Beach has some broken bones, but is otherwise OK. It’s a Phish-mas miracle!

---

An editorial on the Islamic cultural center being proposed near Ground Zero (Blessed Be the Peacemaker) ends with, “Perhaps former Mayor Rudy Giuliani said it best: ‘If you are a healer, you do not go forward with this project. If you’re a warrior, you do.’”

1) That looks like fun. Let me give it a shot: “If you are a Constitution-hating terrorist, you will protest the construction of this center. If you’re a level-headed believer in human rights and the wonderfulness of America, you won’t.” I think mine is catchier.

2) They spelled 9iu11ani wrong.

---

Citigroup has dropped to $3.79/share.

Crude oil has dropped to $74.43/barrel.

---

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Lou Lumenick gives two stars to The Switch (“Aniston mom-com should be impregnated with some laughs”), Nanny McPhee Returns (“‘Nanny’ is back for bore”) and Mao’s Last Dancer (“A shaky lead performance is the least of the problems”).

Kyle Smith gives two stars to The Tillman Story (“it does the very thing that it denounces — massaging the facts to seize Tillman for a political agenda”), half a star to Lottery Ticket (“definitely not a winner”), and three stars to Calvin Marshall (“good-natured but not overly sentimental”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to both Soul Kitchen (sexuality, profanity) and Hiding Divya (mature themes).

Pete Hammond on The Switch: “One terrific comedy. You will love this movie!” On Lottery Ticket: “The winning ticket for big laughs… the entire cast is terrific.”

---

The Yankees decimated the Tigers last night (11-5) and Tampa lost to the A’s, so we are alone at the top of the AL East. Tonight they face Seattle.

Hooray, baseball!

---

In conclusion, tickets are starting to go quickly for the Friends with a Benefit show at Town Hall. Even if you can’t be there yourself, you can still help us out by passing along the info to your friends/co-workers/family/Twitter followers, etc. (tickets can be gotten here: http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/03004507B5E458AC)

Maybe I’ll see some of you at Let’s Have A Ball tomorrow? Maybe you’ll all have a nice weekend? Maybe you’ll have a Golden Gaytime?