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Wherever Shall I Go? Whoever Shall I Do?

23rd August
2010
written by jed

SATURDAY

Two pages (including the cover are devoted to the fact that Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf is touring the Middle East as part of a “State Department outreach tour.” In the opening paragraph, co-authors Geoff Earle and Charles Hurt make sure to point out that this trip is “taxpayer-funded” (just like the trips then-POTUS George W. Bush sent him on in 2007).

“Can you imagine if the State Department paid to send me on a trip anywhere? The separation of church and state — the critics would have been howling,” says the Rev. Franklin Graham (son of Billy Graham), who is now a supporter of the separation of church and state for some reason.

The first paragraph reads: “The ACORN-connected, union-supported Working Families Party, which had been under federal investigation for eight months, declared yesterday that it was finally off the hook. ‘We were advised… that the US Attorney’s Office has decided to close its investigation without the filing of any charges,’ spokesman Dan Levitan said in a statement.”

The headline? ‘Families’ Party: We dodged fed charges.

Fair, balanced.

Jayson Williams just got another year added to his sentence (thanks to that drunken car accident on the Lower East Side). When he’s finished with his current jail term (in New Jersey), he’ll be transferred to Rikers Island.

Fun Fact: One year is the maximum that the judge could have given Williams. For driving drunk, smashing up property and fleeing the scene of the accident. And lying about everything.

It’s official: Wyclef Jean cannot run for President of Haiti. Why not? Because he hadn’t lived in Haiti for five years prior to the election, as is the law.

He told his friends to expect him back in the U.S. sometime in November and to “tell my cousin Jerry wear his condom.”

Page Six (today on page 10) has a nice piece on Kristin Davis (“the former madam who supplied hookers to Eliot Spitzer”). You know who isn’t mentioned in the piece? Post columnist Ashley Dupre.

The Mariners blanked the Yankees, but Tampa Bay also lost, so we’re still a full game ahead of the Rays in first place.

Linda Stasi gives the new reality series The Spin Crowd “Absolutely no stars.”

Wow. Not four garbage cans or three hunks of cheese or eleven finches or any of her other confusing substitutes. Maybe she’s maturing?

SUNDAY

The main cover story (besides 100 LOOKS UNDER $100, A-Rod on DL, and the revelation that Jet Mark Sanchez is just a Gang Geek at heart) is SILVER LINING: Shelly profits off 9/11 workers. “Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver and his law partners helped finance the 9/11 litigation for Ground Zero workers — at 18 percent a year interest. Now [sic] sick plaintiffs are on the hook for the cost.”

It’d be nice if all the folks screaming about how the mosque at Ground Zero (which is actually neither) is an insult to the people who died on 9/11 would spend as much time and energy defending the folks who didn’t die on 9/11. But these are the same folks who vote for the politicians who voted against health coverage for the people who worked at Ground Zero. So don’t hold your breath.

Avatar is being re-released in some IMAX theaters on Friday. But it’s not the version you saw. And its not the version that was released on DVD (or Blu-Ray for that matter). No, James Cameron is releasing a new version with nine (9) extra minutes of footage — including an extended love scene between the two main blue things! Oh boy!

But wait! It gets better! When this version is released on DVD, it will have another seven (7) minutes of extra footage! And who are you making that version for, James? “It’s for those that don’t mind a movie that’s pushed to 257 minutes.”

162 + 9 + 7 = 257 178. Is James Cameron really that bad at math? Or has he unintentionally revealed the length of his next and (possibly) final director’s cut?

Michael Goodwin’s A ‘move it’ movement begins, “It’s a joke, one of those mass mailings that gets a laugh and captures the spirit of the moment. It goes like this: I just applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment system. It would have parking for 200 old cars and I was going to paint it snot green with… pink trim. The City Council told me to fuck off. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a mosque. Work starts on Monday.“

1) He included “fuck off,” so I’m dying to know what Goodwin removed just before “pink trim.”

2) The “house” described in the “joke” isn’t a house, nor does it accurately describe the proposed Islamic cultural center.

3) The “joke” also implies that there are a large number of mosques being approved in NYC. Also a false premise.

4) Goodwin is a “joke.”

In Hold the hankies for this monster, he writes, “There are few tears for the Craigslist killer, Philip Markoff, who committed suicide in prison. But you wouldn’t know that from the weepy headline in the Times: ‘Murder Suspect Wasn’t on Suicide Watch.’ Isn’t that the good news?”

Funny you should mention news, putz. Markoff attemped suicide “at least twice” while in police custody before succeeding. That he wasn’t on suicide watch is of interest to people who like information more than opinion. Do you actually think the New York Times was being weepy in pointing this out? Do you actually think?

Damn You, Scarlett O’Hara, a new biography of Vivien (or, as the Post refers to her, Viven) Leigh, calls her “a hot mess off-screen — a slutty bisexual who battled mental illness for most of her adult life” and had an “insatiable appetite for ‘rough trade.’”

I look forward to the movie!

Racist billionaire and GOP candidate (but, then, I repeat myself) Carl Paladino is currently advocating making prisons into dormitories for welfare recipients where they will be given lessons in “personal hygiene.”

And the GOP makes fun of Bloomberg for being a nanny?

Sarah Palin used Twitter to share this nugget of brilliance: Who hijacked term:”feminist”?A cackle of rads who want 2 crucify other women w/whom they disagree on a singular issue; it’s ironic (& passé)

Let’s see… words that aren’t actually words? Check. Incorrect use of words that actually do exist? Check. Improper spacing? Check. Incorrect use of a colon? Check. Incorrect use of a semi-colon? Check. Unnecessary use of religious imagery? Check.

Yep. That’s our Sarah Palin, all right.

Mitchell Bard’s op-ed piece (On mosque, beware Saudis) explains that “keeping Saudi influence out of the new mosque is more important than keeping the mosque out of Ground Zero.” This reminds me of the recent Wall Street Journal editorial that claimed that “money coming from Saudi charities” was funding the mosque (without citing any actual proof, natch).

The Post and the WSJ are both owned by News Corp (which also owns Fox News). The biggest shareholder? Rupert Murdoch. The second-biggest shareholder? Prince Alwaleed bin Talal of the Saudi royal family. In fact, Saudis have subsidized Murdoch’s various enterprises to the tune of $3,000,000,000. That billion with a b. And News Corp has invested “at least $70 million” in a Saudi media company. For more details, I highly recommend Frank Rich’s recent piece in the New York Times, How Fox Betrayed Petraeus.

ASK ASHLEY!

I have a severe crush on a girl I work with. We’ve gone out a few times, but I’m pretty positive she has no clue how I feel. I want to express my feelings, but I’m concerned she won’t feel the same way and if she does, might be leery of hooking up because we work together. What do I do? — Anonymous

ASHLEY: “I think you should send her things spread out over the course of a week. Sort of like a secret admirer.”

ME: “The next time you’re out with her, ask her if she’d be interested in going on an actual date. If she says yes, then do. If she says no, call her a bitch and tell everyone at work she’s a terrible lay.”

In July 2004, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I always keep my sugar under control with exercise and diet, and I don’t drink. Mr. Woody is fine, too. Problem is, I’ve been in a few relationships since, and every time I bring up the issue, I get an awful reaction. One of my girlfriends just blatantly walked away when I told her. A couple months ago, I hit it off with a 25-year-old divorced woman. She said she was drawn to me because “I’m a happy person.” How do I tell her about my condition? If I get another horrific reaction, I swear I’ll just crawl back into my town house and never come out again! — Matt, 36, Ohio

ASHLEY: “As far as this new girl, I don’t see the point in telling her — yet. If everything is under control health-wise and it hasn’t affected the time you’ve spent together so far, leave it at that.”

ME: “Did you just refer to your penis as ‘Mr. Woody’? I’d say that’s a much bigger problem than diabetes.”

The Yankees and Tampa both won.

And just below the AL standings is a little blurb from the jester of the sports pages, Hondo.

“Maybe the 25 percent who think Obama is a Muslim are on to something. Sources say when someone sneezes at the White House, they often catch him saying: ‘Allah bless you!’”

That reminds me: Sources say that Hondo can often be found in his office, furiously masturbating to child pornography and pictures of guinea pigs.

TODAY

HOLY WAR: Mosque rivals’ rage explodes at G. Zero rallies is today’s cover story. Apparently, there was a big protest there yesterday (as well as a rally in support of the Islamic cultural center) where opponents screamed “U-S-A! U-S-A!” demonstrating yet again that they don’t consider Muslim-American citizens to be real American citizens. Congratulations, Republicans.

Isn’t it ironic that the people who seem to love making comparisons between Muslims and the Nazis are the ones that are actually acting like the Nazis?

Pedro Espada has a lot of problems. Here’s another one: He never reported any expenses for his recent fruit and vegetable giveaways. That’s a violation of election law.

Wouldn’t it be great if he wasn’t allowed to run again? Or if he accidentally fell to his death?

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World ($5,000,000) fell to the #10 spot on this weekend’s box office tally. In their opening weekends, The Switch ($8,100,000) was at #8, Nanny McPhee Returns ($8,300,000) at #7, Piranha 3D ($10,000,000) at #6, Lottery Ticket ($11,100,000) at #4, and Vampires Suck ($12,200,000) was at #2. The Expendables ($16,500,000) remains the #1 movie in America.

Larry Harmon (a.k.a. Bozo the Clown) wrote his memoir (The Man Behind the Nose: Larry Bozo Harmon) before he passed away in 2008. His ex-wife (Sandra Harmon) has her own memoir on its way (Sleeping with Bozo and Other Clowns) which reveals Larry to be a “pathological liar and cheater.”

Fun Fact: Sandra met Larry while he was married to his first wife. Sandra became his mistress, then his wife (and then his ex). Which makes her every bit as bad as a cheater (at the very least).

The newest battle between a service provider and a TV channel is Dish Network vs. Fuse.

Fuse is the channel that occasionally plays music videos (this is when most of the people reading this will Google “music videos”).

Swatch has announced that they expect to post sales of $5,820,000,000 this year.

Oh my god! I’ve gone back in time to 1987! I have to tell young me to buy gold!

Frank Scheck gives Summer Shorts 4: Series B one and a half stars. This made me nervous, as Teresa and I are going on Tuesday night (Scott Adsit is appearing in a one-act by Alan Zweibel). Luckily, Zweibel’s Happy is “a treat” with “equal amounts of humor and sentiment.” That’s a relief as I always prefer to mean it when I tell my friends that I enjoyed their show. And the fact that every other piece stinks means we won’t feel guilty leaving during the intermission!

The Yankees won again (thanks in part to Cano’s 6 RBIs — including his grand slam. Sadly, so did Tampa Bay. Sabathia won his 17th game of the season.

Tonight, Ivan Nova will pitch for us against Toronto. Will he be the latest in a long line of pleasant surprises (like rookie Eduardo Nunez, who went 1-for-4 in his debut last night) or A.J. Burnett, Jr? I can’t wait to find out!

In other baseball news, Lou Piniella is officially retired. He quit his managerial job with the Cubs and will return home to take care of his ailing mother. His decision had absolutely nothing to do with the Cubs’ current 51-74 record.

The end. This week is going to be a bit of a challenge, as we’re entering into crunch-time for the Friends with a Benefit show at Town Hall on the 29th. But I’ll do my darnedest to keep you entertained.

Happy Monday!

Dailies

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