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Yay! I Get My Wife Back!

30th August
2010
written by jed

Congratulations again to all of the folks that helped with last night’s benefit. It was a huge success.

I wanted to go out with everyone afterwards, but made the executive decision to drive back to Brooklyn with the cargo van. It was filled with bottles and furniture and miscellany and I didn’t want to have to descend into another garage (and risk further damaging our chairs) and then drink and then try to find a place to park in my neighborhood at 1:00 a.m. So I flew solo (I insisted — Teresa and the rest of the crew had earned their celebration).

Luckily, I found a place to park right by our house and managed to unload the van relatively quickly. Then I showered, then I slept. Teresa returned with 4 of the Dog Court boys in tow — she was so exhausted by the end of the night that they insisted on escorting her home. We are so blessed to have people like Alex, Justin, Sam and Jeff (and Mike and Susan) in our lives.

What I would like to do is go back to sleep (I woke up at 9:00 to return the van), but I owe you three days of newspaper criticisms. So let’s do that. And then I’ll sleep.

SATURDAY

The 17-year-old daughter of the US ambassador to Thailand fell 22 stories to her death from the 25th-floor balcony of a 25-year-old’s apartment (she landed on a 3rd-floor balcony). Nicole John had been drinking (a lot) at Tenjune earlier in the night (with her friends, most of whom were also underage). The Post reprinted some of her blog posts.

“Let’s make a stew — vodka/redbulls + long island iced teas+ ambiens + xanax = om nom nom”

“Friday night went to a house party and played beer pong, etc, got shwasted/cross-faded.”

And from two weeks ago, “Whaaaaaat a fuckin’ EPIC weekend. Intoxication for about 40 hours straight, starting Friday night. I never use the word epic, but it is actually appropriate this time.”

If only there were warning signs.

The Post is happy to point out that Michael Enright’s journals show no sign of anti-Muslim sentiments. They use this as proof that there is no violent anti-mosque movement. I use it as proof that the folks on the right (the Post included) have created such a fervent anti-mosque sentiment that even someone like Enright can be driven to violence — even if it goes against everything he once believed (as long as he’s heavily intoxicated).

But what do I know?

78% of Muslims like Obama (down from 86% a year ago). So do 61% of Jews (down 16%), 50% of Catholics (down 17%), 43% of Protestants (down 15%) and 24% of Mormons (down 21%).

Well, what do you know. He is uniting the country!

Jon Gosselin’s ex (Hailey Glassman) said in a December interview that Gosselin “is hung like a 9-year-old boy.”

Adorable.

Page Six (today on page 10) informs us that actor Bokeem Woodbine “freaked out” at Greenhouse on Thursday night. “‘He kept repeating lines from his movies,’ including Dead Presidents and Jason’s Lyric.”

Whoever the source on this is, I would love to know how he (or she) identified lines from Jason’s Lyric.

Snooki has a new boyfriend! His name’s Jeff Miranda! His ex-girlfriend (Rebecca Hansen) has a restraining order against him for “threatening her life and beating her”!

“Miranda also allegedly beat Hansen and at one point pulled a shotgun on the woman when she balked at having sex.”

This new relationship is a stick with two short ends.

Speaking of restraining orders, Leonardo DiCaprio got a restraining order against Livia Bistriceanu, 41.

Livia claims they’re married and that she is pregnant with his child. Leonardo insists that she’s dreaming.

Or is she?

67-year-old hoarder Billie Jean James went missing four months ago. Police and search dogs went through the house she shared with her husband, but didn’t find her. Her husband found her body in the house this week.

If you can’t smell a three-month-old corpse in your house? You have issues.

(like every issue of the Saturday Evening Post bundled up in piles next to a mountain of almost-empty cans of Hormel chili)

A school in Australia awarded the grand prize in their costume contest to a boy dressed as Adolf Hitler.

“To me, it’s a mountain out of a molehill,” said the school’s principal.

He then offered anyone that was offended that he would “throw another shrimp on Klaus Barbie” for them.

How terrible in the New York Post? Page 17’s VULTURES CIRCLING CIPRIANI features a huge color photo with the caption: “Cipriani… is being forced to auction off everything from soup to nuts from Cipriani 42nd Street and other locations.”

The seventh paragraph of the article: “The 42nd Street and Wall Street locations will not be part of the auction.”

I’ve seen second-grade dioramas with more journalistic integrity.

Michelle Malkin’s Katrina Race-Baiting’s Lasting Stain is just plain awful. It actually ends with her chastising Obama because “he won’t lift a finger to repudiate the smears against his unjustly accused predecessor.” And Malkin won’t admit that most (if not all) of those smears are based in fact.

Microsoft co-founder (and current head of the private asset management company Vulcan Inc.) Paul Allen is suing Google, Apple, eBay, Facebook, Yahoo!, AOL, YouTube, Office Depot, OfficeMax, Staples and other companies for violating his patents.

Is he out of his Vulcan mind?

Yanks lose, Tampa loses, Boston wins.

Was Susan Boyle’s voice Auto-Tuned in the viral clip that kajillions of people sent to each other? Yup.

“The sounds are cleaned up. It’s an open secret and an industry standard. This goes for everyone, even Susan Boyle’s audition was smoothed out in post-production to give it the best possible sound.”

Is nothing sacred?

Linda Stasi has outdone herself. Her review of Carlos begins, “If you’ve about had it with TV spies, terrorists, explosions, Palestinian bad guys, fantastical plots, beautiful female agents and gorgeous male mercenaries, have I got a show for you. It’s a three-part series by Olivier Assayas debuting Oct. 11 on the Sundance Channel called Carlos, and it’s filled with spies, terrorists, explosions, Palestinian bad guys, fantastical plots, beautiful female agents and gorgeous male mercenaries.”

Cindy Adams would be proud.

SUNDAY

Paris Hilton was found with a vial of cocaine (cops were questioning her for being in a car that marijuana smoke was wafting out of when it fell out of her purse). She plans on arguing that the purse she was carrying wasn’t hers. Hey, it worked the last eight times.

Michael Goodwin has included a delightful cartoon of relief workers at a still-smoldering Ground Zero on his page. One of the workers points off-panel and says, “GOLLY! WOULDN’T THAT BE A GREAT PLACE FOR A MOSQUE?”

1) You can’t see the proposed Islamic cultural center from Ground Zero.

2) Why wouldn’t it be? Oh, wait. I forgot. Muslim-Americans are only worth 3/5 of an actual American.

The Post claims 300,000 attended Glenn Beck putsch rally in D.C. on Saturday. Albert Pujols also spoke, as did Sarah Palin.

The rally was titled “Restoring Honor” (and not, oddly, “Pooholes ‘n’ Pujols!”). But were there actually that many people there? What say you, Christian Science Monitor?

“Rep. Michele Bachmann (R) of Minnesota, at her own rally held on the edges of Mr. Beck’s event, said, ‘We’re not going to let anyone get away with saying there were less than a million here today because we were witnesses.’

However, a firm hired by CBS News to estimate the crowd put attendees at between 78,000 and 96,000. The firm, AirPhotosLive.com, had three estimators go over high-resolution aerial photos of the event, and then combined the three estimates.”

I guess Bachmann and Beck (and the Post) were exaggerating. What else in new.

According to a Harris Poll, a group of people (what kind of people? and how many? and where do they live? details, details…) weer asked which candidate they would vote for if the midterm elections were today, 34% would vote Dem, 33% would vote Rep, 5% would vote Other and 28% are Not Sure. The same folks (I think?) were asked the same question with the addition of a Tea Party candidate to the ballot. 34% would vote Dem, 22% would vote Rep, 11% would vote for the Tea Party and 33% are Not Sure.

Context would really come in handy here, though it’s nice to see unwavering support for the Democrats.

THIS WEEK’S WINNERS & LOSERS is a Sunday staple that features three people in each category. Normally, a photo of one is placed at the end of the arrow that isn’t pointed (with the three names listed along the arrow’s shaft). Today, the photos cover the arrow points.

Everyone at this paper is a moron.

V.A. Musetto has some advice for moviegoing perverts: “You say you’re turned on by bony female knees? Then you mustn’t miss Claire’s Knee… Best scene: Claire exposing her knee as she climbs a ladder under a cherry tree.”

Thanks for the tip, Uncle Creepy!

ASK ASHLEY!

The other day I “caught” my husband perusing casual encounters on Craigslist. He hadn’t actually logged on yet, but he was about to. After much prying, he finally confessed to logging on before when he “feels rejected by me sexually.” That said, he claims not to have contacted anybody.Truth be told, when we were going through a hard time a few years ago, I did catch him actually writing an e-mail to someone on Craigslist. I want to believe him now — his body language seems to indicate he’s telling the truth, plus his actions speak very loud (he’s always home on time, etc.) — but I can’t help but be wary. Should I be worried or just let this go as curiosity or arousal? — Caroline

ASHLEY: “Whether he pursued or contacted anyone doesn’t even matter. No, I take that back. It does matter.”

ME: “Why did you put caught in quotes? Did you not actually catch him? And why are your options to be ‘worried’ or ‘let this go as arousal’? You’re OK with your husband seeking arousal from strangers? Do you even understand what words mean?

There’s this guy I’ve been friends with for a while. He always flirts with me, but I’m not really interested. (Though, we did kiss once . . .) Anyway, I think part of me is turned off by his Rico Suave-ness. Some of the lines he uses just seem so unreal and fake, plus he’s a flirt in general so I can’t help but feel like I’m not the only one he’s feeding them too. It’s weird. I want to blush and melt, but instead I’m left wondering if he’s for real. How do I know? — Cara, 31, Greenwich Village

ASHLEY: “‘If it smells like a skunk, looks like a skunk and acts like a skunk . . .’ You know the rest of the saying.”

ME: “Cara, have you met Caroline? She doesn’t understand words, either. ‘Too’ is not the same as ‘to.’ B’also? You’re not interested but you want to blush and melt? What the fuck does that mean? Don’t worrym though — I can assure you that no man could ever be interested in a woman who makes Gerardo references in 2010.”

Yanks win, Tampa wins, Boston loses.

TODAY

There’s a photo of Christina Aguilera and her husband (Jordan Bratman) on page 3.

Not sure if you can tell at this size (it’s three times the size in print), but he looks exactly like a bearded version of the girl from Welcome to the Dollhouse.

Page 4 has a nice story of six guys who spent Saturday night drinking in Staten Island. Then they “sped off in a car — and wrapped it around a light pole in a grisly crashed [sic] that killed two of them.”

I think I’m the only person who reads this paper and speaks English.

“Taliban leaders are hoping opposition to the mosque and community center [near Ground Zero] will undo the project and fuel Muslim outrage overseas and in the US, where they predict the debate will inspire homegrown terrorists.”

My irony meter just imploded. An article in the New York Post (Terror thugs claim Tali-boost from NYC protests on page 5) very clearly explains that opposition to the center is expected (by the people we’re fighting in Afghanistan) to create anti-American sentiment overseas and domestic terrorists here. But the same paper will continue to call it the Ground Zero Mosque and run articles like the other one on page 5, which paints Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf as “an alleged slumlord” who is shady and can’t be trusted (MOSQUE ‘SLUMLORD’).

The Taliban thanks you, Rupert.

Andrea Peyser wants you to know:

* That the number of pedestrians “mowed down by kamikaze bicyclists may be far higher than the city admits.” But then, it also may not. Though Mandrea neglects to say that (but she does demand that the city “count those who’ve given limbs to promote [cycling as healthy].” And how many of those people are there, Mandrea? (crickets)

* That “the geese [in Prospect Park] must die” because “it’s the geese or us.”

* That “five-year-old Sarah Jane Donohue, brain-damaged after a nurse violently shook her, came out to protest the Empire State Building’s failure to light up for Mother Teresa’s 100th birthday.” That’s right. Sarah Jane woke up and said, “Mom? Dad? Can I go to the Empire State Building to protest their failure to commemorate Mother Teresa’s 100th birthday?” Because brain-damaged five-year-olds are extremely political. One almost became Vice President in the last election!

* That she’s proud that she was forced to leave The Barclays tournament because she “repeatedly asked” Tiger Woods, “Do you still love your wife?” What a classy person you are.

In a Post EXCLUSIVE, we learn that Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne will both be Batman (and will start a Bat-franchise across the globe) starting… well, they don’t say. But in the Comic Shop News article I read a few weeks ago, it said that Batman, Inc. #1 hits the stands in early November. Bonus points: the Post refers to it as Batman Inc. (sans comma).

On Friday, I said that the AL East standings could look a lot different than they did that afternoon. Then the Yanks and Rays were tied for first with Boston 5 1/2 games back. Today, the Yankees and Rays are tied for first with Boston 6 1/2 games back.

Marcus Thames has hit three home runs over the last two games. Pettitte says he might return from the DL in two weeks (at the earliest).

Our next four games are against Oakland. Hopefully, we’ll move ahead of Tampa.

Is Elton John replacing Simon Cowell on American Idol?

Does anyone even care anymore?

Well, that took forever.

But at least I’m caught up (on blogging if not sleep).

See you all tomorrow.

Dailies

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