Archive for August, 2010

SATURDAY

Two pages (including the cover are devoted to the fact that Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf is touring the Middle East as part of a “State Department outreach tour.” In the opening paragraph, co-authors Geoff Earle and Charles Hurt make sure to point out that this trip is “taxpayer-funded” (just like the trips then-POTUS George W. Bush sent him on in 2007).

“Can you imagine if the State Department paid to send me on a trip anywhere? The separation of church and state — the critics would have been howling,” says the Rev. Franklin Graham (son of Billy Graham), who is now a supporter of the separation of church and state for some reason.

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The first paragraph reads: “The ACORN-connected, union-supported Working Families Party, which had been under federal investigation for eight months, declared yesterday that it was finally off the hook. ‘We were advised… that the US Attorney’s Office has decided to close its investigation without the filing of any charges,’ spokesman Dan Levitan said in a statement.”

The headline? ‘Families’ Party: We dodged fed charges.

Fair, balanced.

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Jayson Williams just got another year added to his sentence (thanks to that drunken car accident on the Lower East Side). When he’s finished with his current jail term (in New Jersey), he’ll be transferred to Rikers Island.

Fun Fact: One year is the maximum that the judge could have given Williams. For driving drunk, smashing up property and fleeing the scene of the accident. And lying about everything.

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It’s official: Wyclef Jean cannot run for President of Haiti. Why not? Because he hadn’t lived in Haiti for five years prior to the election, as is the law.

He told his friends to expect him back in the U.S. sometime in November and to “tell my cousin Jerry wear his condom.”

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Page Six (today on page 10) has a nice piece on Kristin Davis (“the former madam who supplied hookers to Eliot Spitzer”). You know who isn’t mentioned in the piece? Post columnist Ashley Dupre.

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The Mariners blanked the Yankees, but Tampa Bay also lost, so we’re still a full game ahead of the Rays in first place.

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Linda Stasi gives the new reality series The Spin Crowd “Absolutely no stars.”

Wow. Not four garbage cans or three hunks of cheese or eleven finches or any of her other confusing substitutes. Maybe she’s maturing?

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SUNDAY

The main cover story (besides 100 LOOKS UNDER $100, A-Rod on DL, and the revelation that Jet Mark Sanchez is just a Gang Geek at heart) is SILVER LINING: Shelly profits off 9/11 workers. “Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver and his law partners helped finance the 9/11 litigation for Ground Zero workers — at 18 percent a year interest. Now [sic] sick plaintiffs are on the hook for the cost.”

It’d be nice if all the folks screaming about how the mosque at Ground Zero (which is actually neither) is an insult to the people who died on 9/11 would spend as much time and energy defending the folks who didn’t die on 9/11. But these are the same folks who vote for the politicians who voted against health coverage for the people who worked at Ground Zero. So don’t hold your breath.

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Avatar is being re-released in some IMAX theaters on Friday. But it’s not the version you saw. And its not the version that was released on DVD (or Blu-Ray for that matter). No, James Cameron is releasing a new version with nine (9) extra minutes of footage — including an extended love scene between the two main blue things! Oh boy!

But wait! It gets better! When this version is released on DVD, it will have another seven (7) minutes of extra footage! And who are you making that version for, James? “It’s for those that don’t mind a movie that’s pushed to 257 minutes.”

162 + 9 + 7 = 257 178. Is James Cameron really that bad at math? Or has he unintentionally revealed the length of his next and (possibly) final director’s cut?

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Michael Goodwin’s A ‘move it’ movement begins, “It’s a joke, one of those mass mailings that gets a laugh and captures the spirit of the moment. It goes like this: I just applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment system. It would have parking for 200 old cars and I was going to paint it snot green with… pink trim. The City Council told me to fuck off. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a mosque. Work starts on Monday.“

1) He included “fuck off,” so I’m dying to know what Goodwin removed just before “pink trim.”

2) The “house” described in the “joke” isn’t a house, nor does it accurately describe the proposed Islamic cultural center.

3) The “joke” also implies that there are a large number of mosques being approved in NYC. Also a false premise.

4) Goodwin is a “joke.”

In Hold the hankies for this monster, he writes, “There are few tears for the Craigslist killer, Philip Markoff, who committed suicide in prison. But you wouldn’t know that from the weepy headline in the Times: ‘Murder Suspect Wasn’t on Suicide Watch.’ Isn’t that the good news?”

Funny you should mention news, putz. Markoff attemped suicide “at least twice” while in police custody before succeeding. That he wasn’t on suicide watch is of interest to people who like information more than opinion. Do you actually think the New York Times was being weepy in pointing this out? Do you actually think?

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Damn You, Scarlett O’Hara, a new biography of Vivien (or, as the Post refers to her, Viven) Leigh, calls her “a hot mess off-screen — a slutty bisexual who battled mental illness for most of her adult life” and had an “insatiable appetite for ‘rough trade.’”

I look forward to the movie!

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Racist billionaire and GOP candidate (but, then, I repeat myself) Carl Paladino is currently advocating making prisons into dormitories for welfare recipients where they will be given lessons in “personal hygiene.”

And the GOP makes fun of Bloomberg for being a nanny?

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Sarah Palin used Twitter to share this nugget of brilliance: Who hijacked term:”feminist”?A cackle of rads who want 2 crucify other women w/whom they disagree on a singular issue; it’s ironic (& passé)

Let’s see… words that aren’t actually words? Check. Incorrect use of words that actually do exist? Check. Improper spacing? Check. Incorrect use of a colon? Check. Incorrect use of a semi-colon? Check. Unnecessary use of religious imagery? Check.

Yep. That’s our Sarah Palin, all right.

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Mitchell Bard’s op-ed piece (On mosque, beware Saudis) explains that “keeping Saudi influence out of the new mosque is more important than keeping the mosque out of Ground Zero.” This reminds me of the recent Wall Street Journal editorial that claimed that “money coming from Saudi charities” was funding the mosque (without citing any actual proof, natch).

The Post and the WSJ are both owned by News Corp (which also owns Fox News). The biggest shareholder? Rupert Murdoch. The second-biggest shareholder? Prince Alwaleed bin Talal of the Saudi royal family. In fact, Saudis have subsidized Murdoch’s various enterprises to the tune of $3,000,000,000. That billion with a b. And News Corp has invested “at least $70 million” in a Saudi media company. For more details, I highly recommend Frank Rich’s recent piece in the New York Times, How Fox Betrayed Petraeus.

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ASK ASHLEY!

I have a severe crush on a girl I work with. We’ve gone out a few times, but I’m pretty positive she has no clue how I feel. I want to express my feelings, but I’m concerned she won’t feel the same way and if she does, might be leery of hooking up because we work together. What do I do? — Anonymous

ASHLEY: “I think you should send her things spread out over the course of a week. Sort of like a secret admirer.”

ME: “The next time you’re out with her, ask her if she’d be interested in going on an actual date. If she says yes, then do. If she says no, call her a bitch and tell everyone at work she’s a terrible lay.”

In July 2004, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I always keep my sugar under control with exercise and diet, and I don’t drink. Mr. Woody is fine, too. Problem is, I’ve been in a few relationships since, and every time I bring up the issue, I get an awful reaction. One of my girlfriends just blatantly walked away when I told her. A couple months ago, I hit it off with a 25-year-old divorced woman. She said she was drawn to me because “I’m a happy person.” How do I tell her about my condition? If I get another horrific reaction, I swear I’ll just crawl back into my town house and never come out again! — Matt, 36, Ohio

ASHLEY: “As far as this new girl, I don’t see the point in telling her — yet. If everything is under control health-wise and it hasn’t affected the time you’ve spent together so far, leave it at that.”

ME: “Did you just refer to your penis as ‘Mr. Woody’? I’d say that’s a much bigger problem than diabetes.”

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The Yankees and Tampa both won.

And just below the AL standings is a little blurb from the jester of the sports pages, Hondo.

“Maybe the 25 percent who think Obama is a Muslim are on to something. Sources say when someone sneezes at the White House, they often catch him saying: ‘Allah bless you!’”

That reminds me: Sources say that Hondo can often be found in his office, furiously masturbating to child pornography and pictures of guinea pigs.

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TODAY

HOLY WAR: Mosque rivals’ rage explodes at G. Zero rallies is today’s cover story. Apparently, there was a big protest there yesterday (as well as a rally in support of the Islamic cultural center) where opponents screamed “U-S-A! U-S-A!” demonstrating yet again that they don’t consider Muslim-American citizens to be real American citizens. Congratulations, Republicans.

Isn’t it ironic that the people who seem to love making comparisons between Muslims and the Nazis are the ones that are actually acting like the Nazis?

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Pedro Espada has a lot of problems. Here’s another one: He never reported any expenses for his recent fruit and vegetable giveaways. That’s a violation of election law.

Wouldn’t it be great if he wasn’t allowed to run again? Or if he accidentally fell to his death?

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Scott Pilgrim vs. the World ($5,000,000) fell to the #10 spot on this weekend’s box office tally. In their opening weekends, The Switch ($8,100,000) was at #8, Nanny McPhee Returns ($8,300,000) at #7, Piranha 3D ($10,000,000) at #6, Lottery Ticket ($11,100,000) at #4, and Vampires Suck ($12,200,000) was at #2. The Expendables ($16,500,000) remains the #1 movie in America.

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Larry Harmon (a.k.a. Bozo the Clown) wrote his memoir (The Man Behind the Nose: Larry Bozo Harmon) before he passed away in 2008. His ex-wife (Sandra Harmon) has her own memoir on its way (Sleeping with Bozo and Other Clowns) which reveals Larry to be a “pathological liar and cheater.”

Fun Fact: Sandra met Larry while he was married to his first wife. Sandra became his mistress, then his wife (and then his ex). Which makes her every bit as bad as a cheater (at the very least).

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The newest battle between a service provider and a TV channel is Dish Network vs. Fuse.

Fuse is the channel that occasionally plays music videos (this is when most of the people reading this will Google “music videos”).

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Swatch has announced that they expect to post sales of $5,820,000,000 this year.

Oh my god! I’ve gone back in time to 1987! I have to tell young me to buy gold!

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Frank Scheck gives Summer Shorts 4: Series B one and a half stars. This made me nervous, as Teresa and I are going on Tuesday night (Scott Adsit is appearing in a one-act by Alan Zweibel). Luckily, Zweibel’s Happy is “a treat” with “equal amounts of humor and sentiment.” That’s a relief as I always prefer to mean it when I tell my friends that I enjoyed their show. And the fact that every other piece stinks means we won’t feel guilty leaving during the intermission!

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The Yankees won again (thanks in part to Cano’s 6 RBIs — including his grand slam. Sadly, so did Tampa Bay. Sabathia won his 17th game of the season.

Tonight, Ivan Nova will pitch for us against Toronto. Will he be the latest in a long line of pleasant surprises (like rookie Eduardo Nunez, who went 1-for-4 in his debut last night) or A.J. Burnett, Jr? I can’t wait to find out!

In other baseball news, Lou Piniella is officially retired. He quit his managerial job with the Cubs and will return home to take care of his ailing mother. His decision had absolutely nothing to do with the Cubs’ current 51-74 record.

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The end. This week is going to be a bit of a challenge, as we’re entering into crunch-time for the Friends with a Benefit show at Town Hall on the 29th. But I’ll do my darnedest to keep you entertained.

Happy Monday!

Trey Parker & Matt Stone – SouthPark Creators from JREF on Vimeo.

I don’t have time to watch this right now, so I’m posting it here in order to remember to watch it later. But, you know, feel free to watch it, too.

Happy Sunday!

For some reason, I decided to find a Regina Spektor song on YouTube. I found it and, though it’s a fairly mediocre video, I still love the song.

When it was over, I decided to watch some other videos of hers. I saw this one for the first time tonight and it made me cry.

It isn’t a particularly sad song, but still I teared up after the second verse. After listening to it a second time (the DJ was asleep), I decided to watch another one. It also made my eyes water.

Either I’m menstruating, I need to go to sleep, or both.

And I apologize in advance — you’ll have to click the “Watch on YouTube” link on the first and third videos.

B’also? Many thanks to the Let’s Have A Ball cast. Tonight’s show was sheer joy.

G’night!

This guy is really good at… um… this.

Beaten this and the used-girls-underpants vending machines, it might be time to visit Japan…

Happy Saturday!

Two things before I start:

1) I received a present in the mail yesterday from a long-time supporter of E…W. It’s a CD of “abstract, industrial and experimental” music called Mass Transit (by various artists). The note indicated that it was chosen based solely on my hatred of the MTA. Brilliant. A heart-felt thanks to the sender, Mr. B.

2) There is someone out there who I have come to despise in the last few weeks. This person will prolly never see this and 99.9% of you will never know the person’s true identity. Nevertheless, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell this person that I sincerely hope that grievous harm befalls them. Preferably spinal. And I’d like to dedicate this (NSFW) video to them.

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Roger Clemens made today’s cover (STRIPE THREE!: Indicted Roger faces 30 years for steroid ‘lies’).

This is what might get someone 30 years in prison (and a $1,500,000 fine)? Lying to Congress about using steroids? When BP or the investment bankers who almost destroyed our economy do it, nothing happens. But Clemens, 48, could feasibly die in prison?

Oh, Roger. You should have beaten a toddler to death with a hairbrush! That carries no fine and you’d be out in five years (less with good behavior)!

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In IT’S A TOWER POWER PLAY, Malkin is bitching about a “radical” building being considered on page 3 — but not the Malkin (or the building) you think.

Anthony Malkin, president of Malkin Holdings (which runs the Empire State Building) is furious because the building that is being proposed at 32nd Street and Seventh Avenue (15 Penn Plaza) would be 67 stories tall and 1,216 feet tall. That would make it the second-tallest building in Manhattan — and just 34 feet shorter than the ESB. “Are people consciously making the decision that we want to radically change the skyline of New York?” sputters Malkin.

We didn’t get any say the last time the skyline was radically altered, so I don’t think we should need a consensus on this.

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“A confirmed case of tuberculosis — and two other possible cases — at an MTA facility in Brooklyn has transit officials scrambling to get dozens of employees tested.”

Hmmm… I think I have to annunciate more when I pray to God.

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Someone phoned in a bogus hijack threat to the San Francisco airport yesterday, grounding a JFK-bound American Airlines flight for several hours. The plane was searched — and a Pakistani couple was led off the craft in handcuffs, questioned and later released — before being cleared for take-off.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, the in-flight movies were Vanilla Sky, Shadowboxer, and Jingle All The Way.

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Rudy 9iu11ani is asking for the Islamic cultural center to be moved farther away from Ground Zero, saying the project “horribly offend[s] the people who are most affected by this, the families of the Sept. 11 victims.” As Nell Scovell noted on Facebook, this is the same guy who thought the best place for the emergency response operations for the World Trade Center was in the World Trade Center. What an absentee-parent douchebag.

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24% of the people in this country think Barack Obama is a Muslim, according to Time magazine.

Well done, Rupert.

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Page Six (today on page 16) reports that “[Countess] LuAnn [de Lesseps] will perform her song, ‘Money Can’t Buy You Class,’ with cannons shooting out cash tomorrow at the Best Buddies benefit at the Hamptons estate of Jay McInerney and Anne Hearst.”

Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?

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Bedbugs were found at the AMC 25 multiplex in Times Square and the 44th floor offices of Elle magazine at 50th Street and Broadway. Still no (credible) reports of bedbugs at the Pavilion, but (thankfully) nothing is playing there that I want to see.

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Fred Armisen, 43, has separated from his wife of 10 months, Elizabeth Moss, 28, and is now dating Abby Elliot, 23. How very TomKat.

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Jennifer Aniston was on Live with Regis and Kelly the other day to promote her newest awful movie (and a photo shoot she did for some magazine).

Oh, Jennifer. If you offend people with mental disabilities, who will be left to see The Switch?

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Wyclef Jean did NOT make the list of approved candidates for the upcoming presidential election in Haiti. He met yesterday with the current president, leading some to believe that he will still be allowed to run.

Or maybe, just maybe, he’ll lead the toe-tappingest coup in history.

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That town that banned bullfighting must be laughing there chulos off.

A bull (named Quesero) being faught in Tafalla, Spain jumped into the stands and injured 32 people (according to the Post), three of whom are still in the hospital (including a 10-year-old boy). The following video isn’t as graphic as you’d expect, but it’s still not recommended for sissies.

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A 19-year-old bank robber in Germany e-mailed the police and two newspapers to mock them for getting his age, height and accent wrong in their reports. He also pointed out that he escaped in a car and not on foot.

He has since been arrested because he is an idiot.

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Ruby’s Bar & Grill, one of Coney Island’s most famous institutions, might be closing at the end of this season.

If true, that’s a damn shame. A greasy, deep-fried, stumbling-alcoholic shame.

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That concert-goer who jumped from the balcony at Jones Beach has some broken bones, but is otherwise OK. It’s a Phish-mas miracle!

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An editorial on the Islamic cultural center being proposed near Ground Zero (Blessed Be the Peacemaker) ends with, “Perhaps former Mayor Rudy Giuliani said it best: ‘If you are a healer, you do not go forward with this project. If you’re a warrior, you do.’”

1) That looks like fun. Let me give it a shot: “If you are a Constitution-hating terrorist, you will protest the construction of this center. If you’re a level-headed believer in human rights and the wonderfulness of America, you won’t.” I think mine is catchier.

2) They spelled 9iu11ani wrong.

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Citigroup has dropped to $3.79/share.

Crude oil has dropped to $74.43/barrel.

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MOVIE REVIEWS!

Lou Lumenick gives two stars to The Switch (“Aniston mom-com should be impregnated with some laughs”), Nanny McPhee Returns (“‘Nanny’ is back for bore”) and Mao’s Last Dancer (“A shaky lead performance is the least of the problems”).

Kyle Smith gives two stars to The Tillman Story (“it does the very thing that it denounces — massaging the facts to seize Tillman for a political agenda”), half a star to Lottery Ticket (“definitely not a winner”), and three stars to Calvin Marshall (“good-natured but not overly sentimental”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to both Soul Kitchen (sexuality, profanity) and Hiding Divya (mature themes).

Pete Hammond on The Switch: “One terrific comedy. You will love this movie!” On Lottery Ticket: “The winning ticket for big laughs… the entire cast is terrific.”

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The Yankees decimated the Tigers last night (11-5) and Tampa lost to the A’s, so we are alone at the top of the AL East. Tonight they face Seattle.

Hooray, baseball!

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In conclusion, tickets are starting to go quickly for the Friends with a Benefit show at Town Hall. Even if you can’t be there yourself, you can still help us out by passing along the info to your friends/co-workers/family/Twitter followers, etc. (tickets can be gotten here: http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/03004507B5E458AC)

Maybe I’ll see some of you at Let’s Have A Ball tomorrow? Maybe you’ll all have a nice weekend? Maybe you’ll have a Golden Gaytime?

Remember when a reporter would tell their boss, “I have a story that may be big, but I haven’t been able to confirm it,” and their editor would say, “Well, we can’t run your story until we know whether or not it even is a story”? Neither do I, but my grandfather used to tell me about such a time. Today’s biggest headline belongs to MULLAH MOOLAH: Iran cash might fund mosque at G. Zero.

It might. Or it might not. But why wait until we find out? We can run the mere possibility of it as our cover story right now! Sure, the last US combat brigade has exited Iraq, but let’s limit our coverage of that story to a tiny sidebar on page 16.

This is a really terrible newspaper.

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Let’s see what other stories the Post decided to give precedence to in their first 15 pages.

PAC donations flood NJ races: Unions 20 of top 25 funders on page 2 discusses the “record $35.3 million” spent on New Jersey elections last year. But that’s donations to both parties and it doesn’t say how much each PAC gave. It also doesn’t mention the $1,000,000 that Newscorp (owner of the New York Post and Fox News) gave to the Republican Governors Association (which, I’m sure, was fair and balanced).

Snooki hit with ‘pest’ rap on page 3 explains that “after looking at all the information,” “annoying others on the beach” has been added to the two other charges (“disorderly conduct” and “public nuisance”) facing the Jersey Shore cast member. It also claims (and I pray that this is true) that all of the designer bags that Snooki has are being sent to her not by their manufacturers but by their competitors. Her parents must be so proud.

Also on page 3 is LATEST AIRLINE GOUGE which reports that American Airlines is now charging “$19 to $39 for the privilege of sitting in ‘Express Seats’ — normally the two or three first-row seats in the coach cabin.” Also, if you want to both board and deboard a flight, that’s extra. And there’s a tax on wearing puffy director’s pants. I mean not wearing puffy director’s pants.

Jackie O’s perv bro jailed on page 4 is fairly self-explanatory. James Auchincloss pleaded guilty to possessing child porngraphy and will serve 30 days in jail (and three years of probation) as a result. Yeah… that seems fair.

More losing faith in project: poll on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six which is on page 14 today) reports that “a Rasmussen telehone survey released on July 23 found likely voters opposed ‘a mosque near the 9/11 Ground Zero site,’ 58  percent to 20 percent statewide.” Keep in mind, the respondents are all people who, after answering their phones and hearing, “Hi, I’m doing a survey…” don’t hang up. They are the same people who watch Two and a Half Men, buy Kate Gosselin’s books, and believe in angels.

Page 7’s MOSQUE SITE A TOURIST MECCA features opinions of all shapes and sizes — including those of “Philadelphia surgeon Robert Fry, 62, and his wife, Susan.” “It was an insult to our country what their religion did,” said Robert. “I understand both sides of the issue. But this is blatantly in our face,” said Susan (who lives in Philadelphia). It took an Australian woman (Marguerite Pettit, 25) to correctly assess what the Frys are too stupid to grok: “Yes, it was Muslims [who attacked the Twin Towers]. But it was Muslims using religion as a mask to do what they wanted to do.” You know, like a Catholic priest who tells a child that God wants him to be molested and keep it a secret. I don’t see a whole lot of people condemning Catholicism for the actions of most some of their priests.

Roughly 80% of page 9 is devoted to SAD STARS KEEP STIFF UPPER LIP: Death of nip-and-tuck doc Ryan cuts like a knife (see what they did there twice?). My favorite part is that the four mourning-celebrity photos displayed at the top of the page belong to “Janice Dickinson, Melissa Rivers, an unidentified mourner and Gary Busey.” Based on the work Frank Ryan did to photos #1, #2 and #4, I’d say #3 dodged a bullet.

Also on page 9 is the sad tale of the 25-year-old who decided to jump from the balcony of the Jones Beach ampitheater during a Phish concert last night (Horror leap at Phish concert). He fell 25 feet. No one else was injured and the Post isn’t sure what the jumper’s condition is. [insert joke about how I'd probably do the same thing if I was at a Phish concert]

Page 10 is the latest Time Warner Cable vs. a TV network ad, this one on behalf of Verizon FiOS (they already have an agreement with ABC7, so their customers don’t have to worry about whether or not TWC and ABC7 come to an agreement before September 2nd). Oh no! How will TWC customers visit Cougar Town?

Page 11’s Amasser of hi$ domain lists some of the Web addresses sold at yesterday’s DOMAINfest at the Grand Hyatt: Jerseyshore.org sold for $300, bikini.net sold for $50,000, Bigapple.com sold for $70,000, disco.com sold for $255,o00 and t-shirts.com sold for $1,260,000. Just 5 more pages until we get to the troops in Iraq!

Page 12 features So much for cougar gals which begins, “The cougar myth has been declawed.” A new university study (in Wales, mind you) has proven that older women prefer older men, and younger men prefer younger women — even when they get older. Oh no! How will TWC customers react to the lies of Cougar Town?

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Page 21 is the latest full=page ad from BP. This time the colors are cartoonishly pristine; the sky behind the clean-up crew (which doesn’t seem to have anything to clean up) is borderline-CGI. It’s so Photoshopped, it’s ridiculous. More money well spent, BP.

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A photo of Jay-Z smiling is accompanied by a small sidebar that begins, “It’s a hard-knock life for some… but clearly not for Jay-Z. It’s a wonder, then, why the high-living hip-hop mogul, seen here living it up with his bella Beyoncé while vacationing on the Isle of Capri in Italy, is sporting such a smirk on his face.” It goes on to explain that he made $63,000,000 last year.

Let’s recap: Some people has tough lives, but Jay-Z doesn’t. Therefore, the Post can’t figure out why Jay-Z looks happy. In a related story, Jay-Z made $63,000,000. If you have any idea why Jay-Z might be happy, please call the Post ASAP.

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The Yankees and Tampa Bay both won last night. Phil Hughes (14-5) will pitch tonight against Detroit’s Rick Porcello (5-10). Both pitchers have faced the opposing team once this year and both won (with an ERA of 0.00). Should be a really good game tonight.

In other baseball news, the Players Association has informed the Mets that they don’t think Francisco Rodriguez should lose any of the money he is owed on his current contract (despite beating up his children’s grandfather at Citi Field and injuring his pitching hand as a result).

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In case you were wondering, Rex Ryan said “fuck” 10 times on the first episode of Hard Knocks, but only 2 times during the second episode. I learned this from the full-color chart on page 84 (Rex-rated). Thanks, Steve Serby!

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Linda Stasi reviews the Keeping Up with the Kardashians season premiere: “Oh, the drama! Oh, the angsting! Oh, the makeup!”

She gives it three garbage cans (but doesn’t explain if that’s a good or a bad thing).

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This week’s Let’s Have A Ball (Saturday at 7:30 at the UCB) will* feature all 7 of the regular cast members (who still live in New York City): Scott Adsit, Kay Cannon, Becky Drysdale, Brandon Gardner, Christina Gausas, Anthony King and me. If you’ve been meaning to attend but haven’t, this would be a great show to see (though the folks we’ve been having sit in with us are every bit as awesomely funny).

The weekend is slowly approaching. Will Jed and Teresa finally make it back to Coney Island? Will Teresa finally experience the beauty of the Red Hook Fairway? Will the new frozen yogurt place on 9th Street (the one with the chocolate-covered crickets as a topping choice) be sampled? Stay tuned!

* let me change this to “is scheduled to” since anything can happen between then and now in this crazy MTA-dependent town.

It’s funny that during my horror-movies-with-”Don’t”-in-their-title experiment, I forgot about Edgar Wright’s fake (and extremely gory) trailer in Grindhouse.

B’also? Add Don’t Look Up to the list of horror movies whose titular advice has nothing to do with the actual movie (a better title would have been Don’t Try To Finish Making That Movie That Killed Its Previous Director Decades Ago). In fact, Kevin Corrigan would have survived if he had looked up and saw the thing that was about to fall on him.

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Three stories on today’s cover. First, Bobby Thomson, 87, has passed away (he’s the guy who hit “The Shot Heard ‘Round The World” in 1951). The second story is How ‘Tattoo’ girl landed dream role (there’s a two-page follow-up, but before I read it, I’m going to guess that she got the part because she was in David Fincher’s last movie and Fincher is directing this one and Fincher wanted an unknown and she probably slept with Fincher).

But the main story on today’s cover is WHO TUBE: Columbia biz grad demands Web site bare heckler’s ID. In true New York Post fashion, the writing is awful. Carla Franklin claims that she “suffered damages in the form of distress and mental anguish” because someone “labeled her a ‘whore’ on YouTube.” Oh, did someone post a video? Nope. Carla’s despair arises from “a comment attached to a video posting of her.” And, I think we can safely deduce, that comment was “whore.”

“Franklin became aware that some short video snippets she had done for Columbia… had been uploaded to YouTube with the single-word slur posted in the comments section of the video.” Oh, so it was one slur posted to one video. Except that the Post later refers to “the single-word slurs” and that “there were three user names involved in the posting.”

Great job, Dareh Gregorian.

B’also? In the 1981 case of Francis “Psycho” Soyer v. Leon, the presiding judge (Sergeant Hulka) ordered the plaintiff to “Lighten up, Francis.” Which I predict will be the final ruling in Franklin’s case, as well.

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Congratulations to Rachel Steiringer, 19, today’s Queen Stupid! Rachel thought it would be funny to post a wacky picture of her 11-month son to Facebook:

What a silly photo! You’re silly, Rachel! And under arrest! And today’s Queen Stupid!

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Charles “Should Be” Hurt’s President chooses the wrong side — again explains that “In a roomful of Muslim-Americans observing a religious feast at the White House, Obama once again embraced them first over the victims, survivors and rememberers of 9/11″ by saying that he thought Muslim-Americans had the right to build an Islamic cultural center within walking distance of Ground Zero. Let’s see how many wonderful things that one sentence accomplishes:

1) Muslims observing a religious feast? In the White House? That ain’t my ‘murrica!

2) Obama embraced them? I knew he wasn’t no real Chris-chin!

3) He likes Muslims more than the victims of 9/11? More than the survivors? More than the remembererers? I hate that guy!

Hurt later adds, “Obama determined once again that it is Americans who must do more. Survivors of 9/11 need to just get over it. They really need to be more tolerant.” That’s exactly what that Kenyan Marxist said and meant.

What a colossal asshole you are, Churlie.

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The article on page 5 (GOV TO MEET ON MOSQUE ‘MOVE’) ridicules the owner of the site that is scheduled to become Park 51 for saying “We are nowhere near the World Trade Center site.” To show how ridiculous that statement is, the Post provides a map with a straight line going from Park 51 to Ground Zero which measures “560 feet.”

Keep in mind, the line is going through two buildings. But, if Kitty Pryde of the X-Men (or The Vision or Martian Manhunter or the Gentleman Ghost or any number of other fictional characters) wanted to walk from Park 51 to Ground Zero, it would be a 560-foot trip.

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The Public Integrity Commission wants to fine “Governor” Paterson $96,375 for demanding tickets to Game 1 of the 2009 World Series from the Yankees.

His defense? “I never saw Game 1 of the World Series.”

(See what I did there? Paterson can’t.)

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Rod Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady) has been found guilty!

Of one of the 24 things he was charged with. But, thanks to one female holdout, the jury was deadlocked on the other 23 charges.

Rod faces up to 5 years in prison for “lying to federal agents.” The prosecution has promised a retrial on the other 23 counts. Let’s hope that at the next trial, none of the jurors get bought.

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According to Page Six (today on page 13), Conan O’Brien is denying that he had dinner with Maury Povich and Connie Chung the other night (“Whoever’s impersonating me — aim higher.”).

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And speaking of Maury, “In the case of 9-year-old Jinky Young, exhumed corpse of Bobby Fischer… you are NOT the father.”

Of course, this being the Post, Fischer’s name is spelled “Fisher” at one point in the article.

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We all remember Ice-T’s recent run-in with the police, right? Surely his blatant disregard (and disdain) for the NYPD would result in some kind of punishment, right? Wrong. His charges have all been dismissed. The system works?

In other music news, “Erykah Badu has been fined and will serve six months’ probation for stripping off her clothes to film a music video at the site where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated.”

Sadly, there are no more media outlets that play music videos, so we’ll never see it.

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Whose turn is it on the Mass Recall of Automobiles list? General Motors!

“Nearly 250,000 crossover vehicles worldwide” are being recalled.

This is Obama’s fault, right?

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Taking a page from Sarah Palin’s play/coloring book, “Dr.” Laura Schlessinger has announced that she will quit her radio show at the end of the year in order to “regain my First Amendment rights.”

See, if you’re on public airwaves and you say “nigger” eleven times in five minutes, people get angry. But if you’re not on the air, you can say it all you want and no one will care!

And she says gay people are an aberration…

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Dr. Frank Ryan, the plastic surgeon who operated on Heidi Montag “at least 10 times,” drove his car off a cliff while sending a text message.

“He was the most amazing person I have ever known. [He] changed the world,” said Heidi.

And you just know that if she was still capable of crying, she totally would.

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Did you know that 20% of Pakistan is currently underwater?

On the bright side, maybe Osama bin Laden is currently drowning.

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American Apparel is close to declaring bankruptcy.

Oh no! Now where will prostitutes shop?

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Apple is trying to offer a “baby iPad” by Christmas 2010. It will have a 7-inch screen (as opposed to the 9.7-inch screen on a regular iPad).

A line is already forming.

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The Yankees won, but so did Tampa Bay. We remain tied for first.

A-Rod was diagnosed with “a low-grade strain of his left calf” and Pettitte still has “a slight strain of his left groin.” A-Rod is expected back this weekend, Pettitte is expected back… in September. Sigh.

Only 43 games left to go!

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In yet another extended middle finger to their fans, the New York Giants have announced that fans will be able to buy single-game tickets to home games this year — without buying a Personal Seat License.

In other despicable football news, Brett Favre says he’s going to play for Minnesota this year (at least that’s the last thing he said on the subject by the time this paper was published — stay tuned for updates).

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Linda Stasi complains about the return of some of the contestants on America’s Got Talent.

“But most unforgivable is bringing back 11-year-old Dippa. I hate that kid! He’s the most annoying small ham on TV since Miley Cyrus. Doesn’t anyone fear that he could grow up to be Vanilla Ice? Vanilla Ice Milk.”

I have no idea what that means.

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And that’s Wednesday. See you all bright and early tomorrow.

There is a pile of New York Posts next to my bed. All of them have been read and are ready to be ridiculed, but I don’t think I will ever have the time to do them justice. I’ve started coaching more frequently, so many of the things that I would do at night now have to be done during the day.

But the fact that I have roughly 1,000 people stopping by every month to read Entertainment… Weakly. makes me feel an obligation to continue as best I can.

So, let’s compromise. The stack of old papers will go into my recycling bin and I’ll start fresh with today’s paper. I will try my darnedest to return to normal from here on out, and if I am unable to devote a large percentage of my day to writing, I will (at the very least) find one juicy item in the paper to share/mock.

And now for something completely painful: The 8/17/10 Late City Final Edtion of the New York Post.

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K-ROD KO’d: Punch injury ends his season is today’s main cover story (the casting of Rooney Mara as the titular lead in the remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and the head wound that Eli Manning suffered in last night’s exhibition game — he needed 12 stitches! — are the other front-page items). It seems that the Mets’ star closer (Francisco Rodriguez) tore a thumb ligament when he (allegedly) repeatedly punched his girlfriend’s father in the face (and slammed his head into a concrete wall) in the Mets’ family room (who says irony is dead?). Rule #1, K-Rod: Never assault the grandfather of your children with your pitching hand!

He has one more year on his 3-year/$37,000,000 contract with the Mets. Will they still honor it? Prior to the news that he would miss the rest of the season, his punishment for the (alleged) assault was a two-game suspension, but now that he’s useless for (at least) the rest of 2010, maybe the Mets will cut ties with Mr. Rodriguez. I hope so, but I doubt it will happen. Athletes rarely face consequences for their actions.

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On August 17th, Julia Acevedo Taylor decided to breast-feed her baby daughter while patronizing Lily O’Brien’s Chocolate Cafe in Bryant Park (I guess this happened in 2009, as most newspapers are incapable of reporting on things on the day they occur — although the date could easily be a typo, as this is a horrible newspaper). The manager asked her to “stop doing that.” Taylor “politely declined,” explaining that the manager’s request was illegal. The manager responded by insisting that Taylor and her daughter to “leave and never come back.”

Taylor is now suing the chocolatier for “severe emotional distress and loss of dignity.” She claims that the incident was so traumatic that she “hasn’t been able to feed her baby girl in public since.” The manager has since been fired and the cafe now has a sticker on their front door that says, “Breast-feeding welcome.”

While I absolutely agree that Taylor was wronged, I find her lawsuit (and claims of irreparable trauma) to be a little bit over the top (no pun intended).

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How can we convince South Carolina to go away?

Shaquan Duley, 29, has been charged with leaving the scene of an (automobile) accident after police “recovered the bodies of her 2-year-old and 18-month-old kids — still strapped in their child seats — from a river.” She claimed that she was trying to flag down a motorist (as she had no cellphone) and that’s why she left the scene of the tragedy, but County Sheriff Larry Williams didn’t buy it.

“She showed some emotion, but I can’t say she was overly distraught. Early in the investigation, there was not enough indicators to substantiate… an accident,” he told reporters. This was in Orangeburg, South Carolina. You may remember another South Carolina resident who drove her kids into a lake: Susan Smith.

Even the fact that the sheriff said “there was not enough indicators” makes me mildly nauseous.

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In a piece about the New Meadowlands Stadium, Jets fan Parker Yates, 50, proclaimed, “I’m glad there is no roof on it. We want Peyton Manning here in the playoffs. Let him play in the wind and the cold.”

The average low in February for the city of Indianapolis is 22.5°F (-5.28°C).

Jets fans are not the sharpest knives in the drawer of knives.

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Remeber those detestable socialites/fame-whores, Tareq and Michaele Salahi? Who are being prominently featured on (the equally detestable) Bravo’s The Real Housewives of DC? Well, they were interviewed for HBO’s Real Sports (their charity, “America’s Polo Cup” is currently under investigation for fraud) and they told Bernard Goldberg that “We’ve been the ‘it couple’ for the past decade” and that they want to “return to who they were.”

I will say it again for the cheap seats: Every time you watch one of these grotesque “reality” shows, you encourage the elevation of the biggest scumbags in the world to celebrity status. Please. Stop. Watching.

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According to Page Six (today on page 10), Conan O’Brien and his wife (Liza Powell) were recently spotted dining with Maury Povich and Connie Chung at Lattanzi.

There has to be an easier way to generate material, no?

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Steven Slater (who has 211,035 that “Like” him on Facebook) has been revealed to be a liar (almost every passenger on his infamous flight claim he had his injury before anyone boarded and that he was acting drunk and belligerent the whole time). But why should that stop him from getting his own “reality” show?

Sure, he’s facing charges of “criminal mischief, reckless endangerment and trespassing,” but who wouldn’t want to watch him host a TV show “about disgruntled workers quitting in dramatic fashion”? Besides me and everyone I know?

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Philip Markoff was the Craigslist Killer (shouldn’t that be “one of the Craigslist Killers“?) and everyone wished he would die a horrible death. Amazingly, he obliged. Exactly a year and a day after he was supposed to marry his fiancée, Megan McAllister (remember her and all the denial she was in?), he sliced the arteries in his neck, wrists and legs (with a small piece of metal that he shaved down to a fine point). But before he committed suicide, he wrote “Megan” on his jail-cell wall (in blood!). He also wrote “pocket” (“although it was unclear why”).

I’m guessing that he wants his fiancée to look in his pocket for the cryptograph that he made which, when solved, reveals the locations of millions of gold bars buried across the country. Or maybe that’s what he called his fiancée’s vagina.

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Cindy Adams will return soon.

Is anything in this paper factually accurate?

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Mel Gibson drove his Maserati into a Malibu hillside on Sunday night, but he is OK.

Thus disproving the existence of God.

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Zsa Zsa Gabor has been released from the hospital to spend her “final days” at her home in Bel Air.

Very soon, she will be move on to greener acres pastures. You will be missed, Zsa.

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A (not very successful) bank robber gave a teller at the Chase on 37th and 7th a note that read, “This is a robbery, hand over all cash except bait money. You have 15 seconds or else the customers!”

This is why you should never write a stick-up note in haste. And would it have killed you to wear something amusing, you incompetent?

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Hulu is hammering out the details of their initial public offering. They believe their company should be valued at $2,000,000,000.

I agree (give or take $1.8 billion).

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Crude oil has fallen to $75.24/barrel.

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The Yankees have lost their last two and Tampa Bay has won their last three, so we are no longer the only team in first place (Boston is 5 1/2 games behind us).

CC Sabathia (15-5) will pitch tonight. He’s faced the Tigers once already this year (he lost and had a 9.00 ERA). The opposing pitcher (Verlander) faced us once this year, as well (he won and had a 0.00 ERA). Sigh.

Derek Jeter’s career-high 52-game streak of not committing an error ended last night. I would still have his children, though.

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Linda Stasi loves (LOVES!) the new sitcom Big Lake. In fact, she says the second episode, “had me screaming with laughter. I mean, we’re talking seriously funny.”

And what rating did she give it? Why, three stars, of course.

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The end. See you tomorrow, kids.

… please attend this benefit show. The people organizing it are amazing, the people performing in it are amazing, and the cause they are raising money for is a good one.

In other news, the Post now has a photo of the Kids In The Hall to go with their article on the Kids In The Hall.

I smell a Pulitzer!

(HOW BAD IS IT?)

It’s so bad that they have an article on page 40 of today’s edition discussing The Kids In The Hall’s new TV miniseries, Death Comes to Town. And the caption for the accompanying photo reads:

ADULT KIDS: (From left) Mark McKinney, Bruce McCulloch, Kevin McDonald, Dave Foley, and Scott Thompson are all grown up… sorta.

Can’t spot the error? Maybe you need to see the photo:

That’s right. Those aren’t The Kids In The Hall — they’re The Whitest Kids U’Know.

Think I’m kidding? As of 9:30 p.m. tonight, this photo is still prominently displayed on their Web site.

I’m spending one more day with my wife, so we’ll all be spared more Post news tomorrow, but keep checking back in the next few days. We’ve got some catching up to do.

MWAH!