Archive for September, 2010
Carl Paladino vs. Fredric, You Dicker! U. Dicker. Round One. Ready? Fight!
Paladino is nuts.
Speaking of nuts, here’s Anderson Cooper interviewing America’s Worst Assistant Attorney General™.
This is just another tactic. Nothing personal against Chris. These tactics are part [sic] for the course. The real bigot here is Chris Armstrong.
Until Shirvell is fired in an especially humiliating way, I will refer to Michigan as Michigan Carolina. That’s how despicable I find this.
Bonus points: Shirvell works for Mike Cox. Say that five times as fast as you can.
Which brings us to today’s (main) cover story, KISS OF DEATH: Webcam makeout student kills self.
Tyler Clementi was a freshman at Rutgers University. On September 19th, Tyler asked his roommate if he could have the room to himself until midnight. His roommate, Dharun Ravi, agreed… and then turned on his computer’s Webcam. Ravi then went to Molly Wei’s room and accessed the feed on Skype.
They saw the closeted Tyler making out with another young man. And then they shared the footage with everyone on Ravi’s iChat network. Then Ravi posted this on Twitter: “Roommate asked for the room till midnight. I went into molly’s room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay.”
On September 21st, Ravi tweeted, “Anyone with iChat, I dare you to video chat me between the hours of 9:30 and 12. Yes, it’s happening again.” because he thought Tyler would be making out with someone again.
Tyler killed himself on September 22nd. Ravi was arrested and charged with “invasion of privacy” and released on $25,000 bail. Wei was arrested on “privacy-invasion charges” and released without bail.
Not cyber-bullying? What’s the maximum sentence for invasion of privacy? A fine? I hope Rutgers expels them.
The James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act passed the House yesterday 268-160. Four Democrats voted against it and 17 Republicans supported it. And now it heads to the Senate.
Republicans are calling it “another big-government entitlement program” that “America can’t afford.”
You know how America could afford to provide relief to the people who were actual participants in the event that Republicans have been using to get votes for nine years? Raising taxes on billionaires.
Ah… page 3 provides context for the Paladino/Dicker fight.
Dicker asked Paladino if he had proof that Andrew Cuomo cheated on his ex-wife while they were married (which Paladino alleged to politico.com). Instead of answering that question, Paladino yelled at Dicker for “sending a goon to stake out his former mistress at the home where she lives with their love child.”
As far as his references to Cuomo as an “extorter” and “despicable,” Paladino warned, “It’s going to get nastier,” to whoever is stupid enough to continue listening to him.
Oh, and Paladino has changed his mind on abortion. You can get one if your life is in danger. But if you are the victim of rape and/or incest — but not in mortal danger — you’ll have to carry the child to term.
Two. Fucking. Sentences.
Greg Giraldo, 44, died yesterday when he was taken off life support (he had been hospitalized for a prescription drug overdose). The Post gave him two sentences in the bottom left corner of page 7.
Directly above Comic Giraldo dies is the six-sentence The Force is with 3D, which announces that George Lucas is re-releasing all of the Star Wars movies in 3D.
Teresa and I were at the taping of his special, Midlife Vices. He was a genius. And he deserves more than two sentences in the paper. Here’s one of my favorite clips from Tough Crowd.
Rest in peace, Greg.
The developer behind the Ground Zero mosque Islamic cultural center near Ground Zero told the folks at Today that, “It’s been an eye-opener to see how my country, the United States, is using my religion, Islam. It’s been a humbling moment and it’s been a very sad moment for me personally.”
The headline of the article this appears in? Mosque big’s ’sad’ view of US.
Fair, balanced.
Tropical Storm Nicole is expected to drop three inches of rain on New York City today and tomorrow.
Bitch.
Arthur Penn, 88, director of Bonnie and Clyde and Alice’s Restaurant has also died. He got five sentences.
A Brooklyn federal jury has acquitted Mohammed Amadu.
He’s the guy who wrote a rap song about smuggling drugs on an airplane while smuggling drugs.
The jury believed Amadu’s defense, which was that he had no idea he had seven pounds of heroin in his luggage.
Look for his album, I Can’t Believe That Stupid Jury Fell For It, featuring the hit single “Of Course I Knew The Drugs Were There! I Put Them There! Duh!” in stores next month.
According to Page Six (today on page 18), Paris Hilton will star in a new reality show for the Oxygen Network.
Possible titles: Unconvictable, Bacterial Jamboree, and Whooooooooooore.
Some bandits in France stole 30 tons of cabarnet sauvignon grapes from a farmer.
Police are canvassing France for shady-looking men whose breath stinks of cabernet sauvignon. They expect to complete their investigation by 18912.
A man in Belchertown, Massachusetts (which I assume was founded by some six-year-olds) claims he was kicked out of the local library because of who he is. The library claims he was “banned for bad behavior.” And who is this man? Why, he’s Lord Jesus Christ.
“I’m Black, I’m transsexual and my name is Lord Jesus Christ.”
You go, God!
McDonald’s is considering cutting the health insurance of it’s “nearly 30,000 hourly workers.”
Record profits + continued global expansion = let’s screw our poorest employees.
And now you know what they teach at Hamburger University.
Nintendo projected $2,400,000,000 in profits for the fiscal year (which ends in March of 2011). But that was when they expected to release their new 3-D handheld game thing in time for Christmas. That is no longer the case. And so they’ve lowered their projections to $1,000,000,000.
That means the stock is dropping. Here’s my foolproof plan: Wait until the stock hits $28.00 and buy as much as I can. Wait until the new game thing is released and sell all of the stock once it hits $38.00. Wait until the technology is proven to damage your sight/give you cancer and buy as much stock as I can when it reaches $4.00. Become President of Nintendo, finally get my hands on an SNES and play The Tick for the rest of my life. Also, change the name of the company to Resniktendo and change Mario’s name to Sterotypio.
The Yankees lost, but so did Tampa. We remain half a game back.
We don’t play tonight, so Tampa will either increase their lead to a full game or they’ll wind up tied with us.
And then we play our last three games of the season against the lame ducks of Boston.
But whether we’re the wild card or not, the first game of the ALDS is Wednesday.
Hooray, baseball!
Howard Stern’s studio at Sirius XM was found to contain bedbugs. So was his limousine. So were the benches at the Union Square subway station.
No one is allowed in my house anymore. Except Teresa. Maybe.
Randy Jackson on sitting in Simon Cowell’s recently-vacated seat at the judges’ table on American Idol: “I’ll sit here and nobody will ever say, ‘Dawg. You’ve become Cowell. Cowell is the Dawg. He’s still my boy, but it’s not like that.”
Surprisingly, Jackson is a grown man.
The end.
If you are trying to secure a ticket to tonight’s Cage Match, drop me a line — I know a guy who knows a guy who has some extras.
Also, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning, so I might be late with the blog. Patience, grasshopper.
Yanks finally clinch! gets a third of today’s cover and Tragic chef’s secret fling gets a tiny box above NEAT TRICK: Hooker teacher tenure. I’ll get to the Yankees later on, so let’s focus on the other two cover stories.
Most of page 3 is devoted to Reality-TV man’s affair with pastry gal: TRAGIC CHEF’S SECRET HONEY (complete with a reprint of yesterday’s cover featuring Gordon Ramsay). It turns out that Joseph Cerniglia had separated from his wife and begun a torrid affair with the pastry chef at Campania. Why is this a cover story (for the second day in a row)? I don’t know, but tune in to Hell’s Kitchen tonight at 8:00 on Fox! Someone in the cast might be the next person to kill themselves! I hope it’s Raj.
And NEAT TRICK explains that Melissa Petro was granted tenure last month, despite the school’s administration knowing about her sordid past (and current recountings of said past). Petro, 30, has been reassigned to administrative work (in response to parents’ outrage), but is guaranteed a job for the rest of her life.
The system works!
Tilting GOP’s way: Hot races put state Senate within reach contain polls that show Republicans regaining control. But, based on how reliable the Post’s poll coverage has been lately (“Did we say Paladino trails by 6 points? We meant 20 points.”), I’ll ignore them and move on.
Dead heat in Conn. contest puts Linda McMahon just 3 points behind Richard Blumenthal. See above.
Michael Goodwin says that “Ever since Carl Paladino pulled an upset in the GOP primary on Sept. 14th, Cuomo has been the deer caught in the headlights” in Panicked Cuomo retreats on reform. There’s only one deer that’s ever been caught in headlights? B’also? When your multi-multi-millionaire opponent is running on a platform of sticking it to the fat-cats and hygiene classes for the less fortunate and no abortions for anyone ever, sometimes it’s best to just back away slowly.
And in Dems: US too dumb to elect us, Goodwin translates John Kerry’s recent (and wholly accurate) comment, “We have an electorate that doesn’t always pay that much attention to what’s going on, so people are influenced by a simple slogan rather than the facts or the truth or what’s happening” as “It’s the stupid people, stupid.” He further explains that what Kerry meant is that “the majority of Americans are too dumb to understand the liberal vision for their lives.”
He also makes fun of Obama’s use of TelePrompTers. That’s how you know he doesn’t have a valid argument — I’m just surprised he didn’t mention Obama’s middle name. Or Karl Marx. Or Kenya.
According to Page Six (today on page 12), Nick Cannon is trying to find corporate sponsors to pay him $25,000 for three tweets that he’ll send from his 30th birthday party. $2,500 gets your product in his gift bag. $15,000 gets you one tweet. His wife (Mariah Carey, who is hosting the party) is worth $400,000,000.
Which is why he’s only charging $15,000 to post “Im @ my party & also u shuld drink more mr. pibb! holla!”
Cindy Adams has decreed that Hillary Clinton will run for POTUS in 2016.
It’s too bad Cindy won’t be around to see it.
The design of the new Barclays Center (currently being built across the street from the Atlantic Center in Brooklyn) has been unveiled.
Steve Cuozzo calls it “so singularly malevolent in its ugliness, it might actually rehabilitate Walter O’Malley’s reputation.” I concur.
Jonah Goldberg explains that Stephen Colbert’s testimony before a House judiciary subcommittee on immigration and labor “amounted to calling [Carol] Swain — an African-American of humble background — an ignorant bigot, because her analysis runs counter to the liberal party line.” Carol Swain had argued that “a steady flow of cheap migrant labor depresses wages for poor Blacks and other American workers.”
I watched Colbert’s testimony and didn’t catch Colbert calling Swain an ignorant bigot. Thank God for Jonah Goldberg.
MOVIE REVIEW!
Lou Lumenick gives Nuremberg three and a half stars (“a powerful 78-minute documentary”).
Sabathia got his 21st win last night, putting the Yankees in the playoffs for the 15th time in the last 16 years. Tampa Bay is also a lock — we’ll find out over the next few games who goes in as a wild card and who is the AL East champs.
Either way, Boston is out of it.
(frantically waves miniature Yankee pennant)
Joel Sherman spends an entire page begging Girardi to bench A.J. Burnett in the playoffs. Sherman is often wrong, but he may have a point this time. Although, if Pettitte doesn’t get comfortable(r) that might not be an option.
Linda Stasi reviews Law & Order: Los Angeles.
She gives it three stars.
Amy Fisher is going on Maury tomorrow to discuss the eight-film contract she signed with a porn company. Her husband will join her.
In 2007, she told Maury that “I’m not going to be a porn star” after the (horrific) sex tape of her and her husband was “leaked” and sold 200,000 copies. Looks like she lied.
Set your DVRs to “stunned.”
You know that new TLC show Sister Wives? The one about Utah’s Cody Brown and his four wives? It premiered on Sunday night.
And now the police are investigating the family. Because bigamy (and polygamy) is illegal in Utah. And the Browns are starring in a TV show about their polygamist lives.
Silly question: If the Browns are convicted (and really, how could they not be?), will TLC stop airing the show?
I doubt it.
Hump Day is over! Only two more days until the week’s end!
And a mere 29 hours before Dog Court defends their title at the UCB Cage Match! Miss it at your peril!
KITCHEN NIGHTMARE
Gordon Ramsay chef found dead in Hudson
Joseph Cerniglia, chef/owner of Campania (in Fair Lawn), jumped to his death off the George Washington Bridge on Friday. He appeared on the fourth episode of the first season of the US version of Kitchen Nightmares. Here’s the first 10 minutes of the episode:
Later in the episode, Ramsay warns Cerniglia, “your business is about to fucking swim down the Hudson.” Which is where they found Cerniglia’s body.
The follow-up on page 7 (2nd GORDON GONER: Another Ramsay TV chef suicide) mentions Rachel Brown, who appeared on Hell’s Kitchen in 2006, lost, and killed herself a year later. Is there a connection between these two people’s suicides and Gordon Ramsay? Possibly. But between this and the constant Page Six stories about his inability to pay his bills (and not cheat on his wife) makes me think that Fox isn’t happy with the ratings his shows are getting (or maybe the ratings are fine but his contract is too generous).
The Henry Hudson Bridge will become cashless by 2012. If you don’t have an E-ZPass, you’ll go through a lane set up for “video tolling.”
Not to be confused with Bravo’s Fall lineup of tolling video.
Downtown Los Angeles was 113° yesterday, an all-time record high (it bumped June 26, 1990’s 112° out of first place).
Thus disproving global warming.
Rick Lazio has dropped out of the gubernatorial race, boosting Carl Paladino’s numbers and giving him the endorsement of the Conservative Party. The Post doesn’t throw out any actual figures, but it implies that this will have a huge effect on Cuomo. I disagree.
Fun Quote: “Doing this, this campaigning, is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever got myself involved with.” — Carl Paladino
Ben & Jerry’s is no longer allowed to call their ice cream “All Natural” because it contains “processed or artificial ingredients.”
I knew selling the company to Unilever would lead to something like this.
Mohammed Amadu, 26, is accused of smuggling 3 kilograms of heroin from Ghana into the United States. His attorney claims he had no idea the drugs were in his luggage.
The only thing standing between Amadu and freedom? The rap song he wrote on the flight chronicling his exploits as a drug smuggler.
Oops.
Gloria Stuart, 100, has passed on. She became the oldest person to ever get an Academy Award nomination (she was 87 — sorry, 80-year-old Jessica Tandy!) for her role in Titanic.
But don’t worry, Titanic fans! If Cameron ever makes a sequel, Meredith Vieira is practically her twin!
Southern Iran got hit with a magnitude 6.1 earthquake yesterday.
Iran has already started blaming the Jews.
Jimi Heselden, 62, bought the Segway motor-scooter company in January.
On Sunday, he accidentally rode a Segway off a cliff and died. Police are looking into whether Heselden lost control of the “vehicle” or if it malfunctioned.
And now his heirs will inherit the company that makes the thing that was directly or indirectly responsible for his death.
Fun Fact: PS 70, the elementary school with the ex-hooker art teacher, is where my mother and aunt went to school (though there was no art teacher there at the time).
Cindy Adams reports that “Ken Mehlman, former head of the GOP party, copped a standing ovation by the Log Cabin Republicans at a bar called Uncle Charlie’s.”
1) Saying “GOP party” is like saying “ATM machine.”
2) What were they applauding? That after years of vilifying homosexuals, Mehlman finally admitted to being gay himself?
3) Log Cabin Republican = self-hating Jew.
“Seven retired US and British airmen claim to have evidence that extra-terrestrials have been busy deactivating nukes on bases in both countries since 1948.”
Wait… does that mean that the aliens are bitter Nazis?
It isn’t a recall (yet).
Volvo held a press conference to showcase their new safety system — “Pedestrian Avoidance Technology.” It’s supposed to recognize people in the road and stop the car before hitting them.
A car was aimed at a crash dummy in the road and off it went. The car did not slow down and it plowed into the dummy. Reporters took multiple photos and giggled uncontrollably. Volvo executive Alan Desselss called it a “nightmare.”
I think Volvo is about to experience a lot of pedestrian avoidance, if you know what I mean.
Just saw online that New York City is under a tornado watch again today from 2:00 – 6:00 p.m.
Going grocery shopping is gonna be fuuuuuuuun.
Regulators have begun cracking down on the POM Wonderful juice company for its numerous health claims, which might not be entirely true.
I knew it! That’s why I only eat açai berries.
Oh boy! Case 39 is finally being released this Friday!
The guy from The A-Team vomits flies! The guy from Deadwood fights a dog in a car! And the squinty lady from Cold Mountain spends an awful lot of time on just one of her 39 cases!
How did this movie stay on a shelf for the better part of a year?
(it was released in the UK in March — it made £183,088)
The Tampa Bay Rays… lose!
The New York Yankees… lose!
The Boston Red Sox… win!
We’re still half a game out of first. Sabathia pitches tonight. The Magic number remains 1.
Max Weinberg has quit his gig as Conan O’Brien’s bandleader/drummer.
Well, now I’m not watching the new show.
I just saw this on Lizz Winstead’s Facebook page.
Congratulations, South Carolina! You’ve fought your way back to the top of my Least Favorite State list!
Linda Stasi reviews No Ordinary Family.
“[It] is no ordinary sitcom. But when you realize how much it’s cribbed from other extraordinarily successful TV series and movies, it doesn’t seem all that special.”
“[Michael] Chiklis and [Julie] Benz fit together like bioluminescent oil and water.”
She gives it three stars.
And that’s Tuesday.
I’m off to brave Tornado II: The Quickening.
SUNDAY
TEA FOR THREE: First look at the mom of Paladino’s secret love child
WIFE’S TEARFUL TALE: PAGES 8-9
In case you didn’t know, Carl Paladino had an affair with one of his employees –resulting in the birth of his daughter, Sarah — and didn’t tell his wife (Mary Catherine Hannon Paladino, 63) for 10 years. He probably wouldn’t have ever told his wife about his secret love child, but the death of their 29-year-old son (Patrick) in a car accident in early 2009 resulted in a number of epiphanies for Carl. First, he should run for governor. Second, he should tell his wife about his secret love child.
And how did Mary take the news? “When he told me about Sarah… it was a very short affair, it was 10 years prior, and um… my first thought was, ‘How lucky. Every child’s a gift.’ That was my first thought. I wasn’t angry, you know… It’s not that important.”
On the one hand, the Post’s cover story puts Carl in a fairly bad light. On the other hand, it’s told from the point of view of his doting wife (the headline on pages 8 and 9 is Many heartaches of Mrs. Paladino: Tells of son’s loss, hubby’s affair & ‘get over it’ policy).
My favorite part of the article is “‘It was all over the papers and, uh, Carl says something about…’ Cathy trailed off and looked sideways at the tape recorder sitting on the end table to her right. Her voice dropped substantially. ‘If you print this, he’s gonna kill me,’ she whispered. A wry smile formed for seconds. Long pause. ‘He says, “You don’t have the uncle that’s a crook, do you?”‘” I’m not sure what I like more — that Paladino’s wife told the Post that printing what she was about to say would result in Carl killing her, that she said it anyway, or that the Post printed it.
B’also? Mary is just some cancer away from being Elizabeth Edwards! Get ready to insult her, Coulter and Malkin!
The folks behind the upcoming Inferno have moved the production from Louisiana to Los Angeles so that Lindsay Lohan won’t be prevented from starring in it (constantly getting thrown in jail comes with pesky travel restrictions).
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for this movie! Who wouldn’t want to watch Linda Lovelace not give blowjobs for two hours?
The United Nations has named Mazlan Othman to the position of “Earth’s official alien-spacecraft greeter.”
That’s ridiculous! Why would we need someone to greet the spacecraft? We need someone to greet the aliens!
Jonathan Weston, 44, is a “top Broadway sound man” who was arrested recently for (allegedly) “sending X-rated pictures and video of himself” to a 16-year-old actor.
“I can’t live without you,” Weston is accused of telling the child.
Let’s hope that, if the accusations are true, so is that.
Aiyden Davis would have celebrated his third birthday next month. But he was “pummeled to death by his mother’s abusive boyfriend in an attack so horrific it left the walls spattered with blood.” Why? Because he was having trouble “reciting his ABCs.”
His mother, Theresa Davis, 27, admitted to previously beating the child with a belt. And she and her boyfriend, Reggie Williams, 31, “told cops they would hit the boy if he acted up, cried or wouldn’t eat.”
“Williams was charged with murder in Friday’s attack. Theresa Davis was charged with assault, endangering the welfare of a child and weapons possession for the prior assaults.”
My guess is that Williams gets 8 years and Davis gets 3. And justice gets pummeled to death.
You know the Second Avenue Subway that the MTA is currently building? Current estimates put the project (due to be completed in 2016) $420,000,000 over its $4,500,000,000 budget.
Oh, and it will be completed in 2018. Maybe.
War criminals.
Michael Goodwin made me laugh harder than anything I’ve ever read in the Post. Sadly, that wasn’t his intention. Menace of 9/11 myths features this photo…
…which looks Photoshopped to me. But let’s assume that it’s legit. Fine. That’s not what made me cackle uncontrollably. The article is. It begins, “Let’s be kind. Let’s say it was a coincidence that, at about the same time the Iranian madman was at the UN spewing his nonsense that 9/11 was an ‘inside job,’ the Pakistani terror mom was in a downtown courtroom claiming Israelis destroyed the Twin Towers. Now let’s be honest. The only coincidence was the timing. The similar content of the two claims illustrates a growing menace in the Muslim world. The myth-making about 9/11 is spreading, and so is the danger. Nine years after the mass murder by Islamic terrorists, conspiracy theories are deflecting Muslim guilt and inflaming a new generation of jihadists, many of them living in the West. It is comforting for Americans to dismiss the ‘truthers’ as crackpots since they are the same kind of people who celebrated as the towers and the Pentagon were burning. But the increasing boldness of the wild claims is an alarming indication of how widely accepted they are among mainstream Mideast audiences. We ignore this new phenomenon at our peril.”
A columnist for the New York Post (a subsidiary of News Corp, which owns all things Fox) is warning us that “the increasing boldness of the wild claims” about 9/11 “is an alarming indication of how widely accepted they are among mainstream Mideast audiences.”
Death panels. Obama is a Kenyan. Obama is a Muslim. The only way to save our country is to not tax the rich.
What Goodwin describes is exactly what the GOP (and their parent company, Fox News) has been doing for years. We ignore this new phenomenon at our peril; Fox counts on it to boost ratings and fire up their base.
Ian Halperin’s new book (The Governator) purports that Hugh Hefner has a videotape of Arnold Schwarzenegger having sex at the Playboy mansion in 2006 (with a lady who isn’t Maria Shriver).
Is there anyone in California who doesn’t have a sex tape?
According to Page Six (today on page 12), Kelsey Grammer’s ex-wife (Camille) is one of Bravo’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and she speaks about her ex in very unflattering ways on the October 14th premiere episode.
“The cast of Frasier came to me and asked me to get [Kelsey] to wear underwear. They were sick of him not wearing any.”
Everyone except David Hyde Pierce, I’d imagine.
The WTC Captive Insurance Co. manages the $1,000,000,000 fund that New York City was given by the feds (to cover lawsuits stemming from the cleanup at Ground Zero).
No single New Yorker has received any compensation yet, but James Tyrrell and Joseph Hopkins (partners at Patton Boggs) has been paid $124,000,000 for all the time they’ve spent trying to help the city avoid liability.
The GOP insists that these two guys are already paying too much in taxes. Do you agree?
Hill’s belles! It’s Lady Gaga shows a photo of Lady Gaga dressed “strikingly similar” to Hillary Clinton.
“From the tense expression on her face to the bright blond coif, red lipstick, deep cleavage and tight pantsuit…”
For comparison, the Post provides a photo of Hillary Clinton with a tense expression on her face smiling, wearing red pink lipstick, and with deep cleavage a fully-covered chest. The Lady Gaga photo has her wearing cartoonishly high-heeled boots, a gigantic diamond-studded collar and a bustier (bustiere? boustier?) with her breasts hanging out.
They’re practically twins!
The owners of Tom’s Restaurant (whose exterior was used on Seinfeld as the exterior of Monk’s) are accused of paying their staff $20 a shift. And they never paid overtime or allowed staff to keep their tips.
(erratic bass line)
Brad Hamilton claims that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wore the same suit and shirt for the entire time he was in New York (six days total).
I hope Sacha Baron Cohen sues him for copyright infringement.
Fun Fact (according to John L. Locke): “Lima bean plants eavesdrop on one another. (Really. When an insect bites into one leaf, it emits a chemical called a volatile. Lima bean leaves have sensors that detect the presence of volatiles, so they ‘know,’ on some level, that a neighbor is being attacked.)”
But, like Kitty Genovese’s neighbors, they do nothing.
In a Pew poll (Things the Post doesn’t provide: when was it taken? who was asked? how many people were asked? where was it taken?), 32% say the Democratic Party best reflects “their views right now.” 20% said the Republican Party, 15% said the Tea Party, 4% said the Green Party, and 29% said None of these.
Muy interesante (or it would be if the poll had any context).
For $500, 23andMe (a lab in California) will “determine your genetic risk for about 80 ailments and 40 traits” including: “Avoidance of errors,” “Memory,” “Bitter taste perception,” “Earwax type,” “Memory,” “Leprosy susceptibility,” “Odor detection,” and “Memory.”
The editorial ‘Superman’ Strikes explains that the fact that Davis Guggenheim (“a committed Hollywood liberal”) made Waiting for Superman proves that “the bankruptcy of teacher-union-driven public education has become glaringly obvious to even the willfully blind.” If you disagree with the Post, you are willfully blind. Please make a note of it.
The editorial Obama vs. Transparency chastises Obama for having the audacity to name Elizabeth Warren as a special advisor to oversee the creation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau “without Congress having a say.” Yeah! How dare he not give the Republicans a chance to filibuster and grandstand!
Brad Hamilton writes that “If you gab on a cellphone all day, your head is being zapped by waves of powerful radiation that could give you brain cancer. And the risk is even greater for kids.”
That’s according to Professor Devra Davis’ new book, Disconnect: The Truth About Cell Phone Radiation, What the Industry Has Done to Hide It, and How to Protect Your Family.
But do you really want to trust a professor who spells “cellphone” wrong in the title of their book?
Page 35 features a hefty sidebar whose title and author are missing.
Hilarious.
Page 37 announces that today’s PULSE section is THE SEX ISSUE featuring Ashley Dupre.
The next two pages (Body of evidence: Ashley Dupre, The Post’s dating and sex columnist, shares head-to-toe advice for spicing up your love life) feature a giant photo of Ashley laying in bed.
“Heads, shoulders, knees and toes — we’ve all got them,” Ashley begins, happily alienating all of her readers without toes. “Here are my head-to-toe tips — along with a few anatomical homework assignments — for establishing a deeper love connection.” I won’t list everything she says, just my favorite homework assignments.
HAIR: “Go to Ricky’s and buy a wig and an outfit to match. I’d suggest an electric-blue number like Katy Perry’s in her ‘California Gurls’ video. Then all you need to do is get in bed and re-create that super-hot scene when she’s lying on a fluffy cloud, naked, licking an ice cream cone.”
EYES: “Hold their gaze intently and occasionally repeat aloud what they say to prove you’re really listening.”
LIPS & TONGUE: “Take her out… During drinks, reach over and gently push her hair behind her ear. When the main course arrives, slip your hand under the table and place your hand on her knee, letting it linger for a while, with a few finger scratches.” For further study: “Complete each assignment in front of another couple.”
Sadly, there is no proper advice column this week.
Page 40 is chock-full of factoids like:
66% of Bronx residents say they’ve slept with someone without knowing their partner’s name.
29% of New Yorkers have flirted with a barista in the hopes of getting free coffee.
68% of Queens residents say they’ve answered a late-night booty call. Of those who went through with it, 11% wish they hadn’t.
All the news that’s fit to skeeve.
The Yankees lost their fourth in a row, Tampa won their fourth in a row and Boston won their third in a row.
We’re one and a half games behind Tampa and five and a half ahead of Boston.
Sigh.
MONDAY
SEXXX ED
Bronx teacher was a stripper — and a hooker
Melissa Petro teaches art to elementary school students at PS 70. She also wrote this for The Huffington Post.
Look for her to get fired in the next few days (parents are complaining — a lot).
London’s News of the World has posted photos of Lindsay Lohan in 2007 — making out with Paris Hilton and (what appears to be) shooting heroin. See the photos here.
I think Lindsay has gotten to a point where this might actually be good for her reputation.
Wall Street 2: Financial Boogaloo topped the box office this weekend, taking in $19,000,000. Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole placed second, taking in $16,300,000. The Town fell to third with $16,000,000.
Isn’t this supposed to be around the time when the really good movies come out?
“House Minority Leader John Boehner yesterday blasted Democrats for punting a tax-cut vote until after the midterm elections, calling it the ‘most irresponsible thing I’ve seen since I’ve been in Washington, DC.’”
Boehner is a despicable piece of shit. But I have to agree. Not trying to secure tax cuts for the middle class is the absolute worst thing the Democrats can (not) do before the next election.
Andrea Peyser writes Paladino: My baby love about Carl Paladino’s relationship with his family, mistress and love child. The normally apoplectic with rage Peyser doesn’t just pull her punches — she doesn’t throw any.
“Paladino won’t say how long he cheated with [Suzanne] Bray. Out in Queens, no one gives a rat’s rump.”
The woman who has never stopped screaming about Eliot Spitzer’s affair — despite sharing a watercooler with the whore he slept with –is now rolling her eyes at the idea that people might have a problem with Carl Paladino’s love child. I wonder if the fact that Spitzer was/is a Democrat and Paladino is a Republican has anything to do with it.
CARL’S $1B MESS (by Fredric, You Dicker! U. Dicker) points out that the campaign chairwoman Paladino has chosen “steered more than $1 billion in bond business to the current treasurer of the state Conservative Party.”
I forget… what’s Paladino’s platform again? Something about… is it reform? Getting rid of business-as-usual fatcats?
Comedian Greg Giraldo, 44, remains in “critical but stable” condition at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in New Brunswick, New Jersey, after overdosing on “prescription pills” on Saturday night.
He’s a personal favorite of Teresa and mine. I hope he pulls through.
Notorious homophobe Bishop Eddie Long (pastor of a megachurch in Georgia) has vowed that he will fight all of those pesky allegations being made by four young men who say he had gay sex with them.
And he will use the boatloads of money given to him by his flock to do so.
Amen.
CITY’S ‘GRAND’ CHILD reveals that “A New York 10-year-old is worth a thousand bucks when he heads out for school, a new study shows. When the total cost of clothing, books, supplies and electronic gadgets are added up, Big Apple kids leave home with an average of $971 worth of gear.”
So if you need $1,000 on the fly, just kill and fleece a 10-year-old! News you can use!
In DEMOCRATS’ HOUSES OF CORRUPTION, Michelle Malkin attacks “all the sanctimonious Democrats who’ve exploited their political incumbency to pay for manses and vacation homes — while posing as vox populi.”
“GOP candidates like [Christine] O’Donnell, who’ve weathered personal financial troubles, have a lot more in common with the 14 million Americans underwater on their mortgages than these privileged Beltway boys.”
Yep, GOP candidates don’t have vacation homes. Just those sanctimonious Democrats. If only more people were like Christine O’Donnell… misappropriating campaign funds to pay for her rent… considering evolution to be a myth… telling Americans to stop having sex…
Hyundai is recalling 139,500 Sonatas 2011 sedans “because of a manufacturing defect that could cause drivers to lose steering control.”
I have an idea: Everyone stop buying cars until car companies can get their shit together.
Just over a week after naming Don Mattingly as their manager for the 2011 season, the Los Angeles Dodgers have traded his son, Preston, to the Cleveland Indians.
That’s cold.
The Yankees had a 2-1 lead going into the ninth inning. Mariano Rivera gave up two runs, giving Boston a 3-2 lead. The Yankees managed to score a run off of Papelbon, forcing a tenth inning — where a bases-loaded walk gave the Yankees the win.
Fun Fact: The Yankees haven’t lost five games in a row this season.
We play Toronto for the next three nights — then Boston again from Friday to Sunday — and trail Tampa (who lost last night) by half a game.
The Magic number is down to 1. Just six games left in the season.
Go Yanks.
Dear House,
Please don’t be terrible this week.
Thanks,
Jed
And now we’re all caught up and whatnot.
Enjoy what’s left of your Monday and, if you’re available on Thursday night, make reservations for the UCB Cage Match. Dog Court is currently ranked sixth for 2010. Let’s help them move up the ladder.
G’night!
FRIDAY
I wonder if Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps‘ giant sidebar on today’s cover has anything to do with the fact that 20th Century Fox produced it.
Jodie Foster won’t stop defending Mel Gibson, so her next acting gig shouldn’t surprise you — the film adaptation of the hit Broadway play God of Carnage.
Directed by Roman Polanski.
Bentley is recalling 1,436 of their cars.
If I owned a bicycle company, I would run a TV ad listing all of the car company recalls of the last year.
Although, if I owned a bicycle company, I probably wouldn’t need to advertise.
Katy Perry made an appearance on Sesame Street and the segment was uploaded to YouTube. So many people complained about Ms. Perry’s outfit that the video was cut from the show’s upcoming broadcast. Here’s the video:
“Seriously. You can’t have jiggling tits on a children’s show!”
“She’s a whore anyway, this bitch looks like she’s on something 99% of the time plus she likes guys with drug habits.”
“She may not be topless however her breasts are visibly bouncing around which is why the video is improper for 1-6 year olds.”
These are just some of the responses posted on YouTube. Can you imagine what these people would do if they saw Brazil’s kid shows?
Note the obligatory dwarf.
Brendan Scott’s Paterson orders 2,000 job cuts begins, “Gov. Paterson ordered agency heads yesterday to cut 2,000 more state jobs by the end of the year — even if it means laying off workers.”
Nicely done, Brendan! Incidentally, is there a way to cut jobs without laying off workers?
Bear with me here.
Carl Campanile’s BamCare has just made me $icker!: Insurer cites health ‘fix’ in 25% hike begins, “ObamaCare’s a painful shot in the wallet. A Greenwich Village resident was socked with an eye-popping 25 percent increase in health premiums — and his insurance company is slapping part of the blame on the president’s health-care overhaul that took effect yesterday.”
The letter that Doug Gowland got from EmblemHealth explained, “The proposed rate increase includes two components: a basic increase on your type plan and an increase due to the cost of enhanced benefits required by the new federal Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.”
Fourteen (14) paragraphs of how badly people are getting screwed by this awful ObamaCare. Its straightforward and a nice counterpoint to yesterday’s stories of support for the (awful) reform. But the fifteenth and sixteenth paragraphs offer an interesting twist: “EmblemHealth spokeswoman Ilene Margolin admitted that the firm could have been clearer in letters sent to policyholders, saying ObamaCare accounts for only a small portion of premium increases. ‘We certainly didn’t intend for it to misleading [sic]. If we need to clarify, we’re happy to,’ Margolin said.”
Let’s recap: The Post runs a long article about how EmblemHealth is blaming ObamaCare for their giant rate increases. They use the story of Doug Gowland (who gets a giant photo with the caption “FEELING QUEASY: Village resident Doug Gowland yesterday says he ‘can’t wait until Election Day’ because of his premium hike.”) to back up their assertion that people are angry at Obama for costing them all of this money. EXCEPT the end of the article establishes that the majority of Mr. Gowland’s increase has nothing to do with Obama and everything to do with insurance companies in this country continuing to raise their rates because they can.
EmblemHealth says they didn’t intend to mislead. But it’s clear that the Post does.
“House Republicans yesterday challenged Democratic leaders to put the new GOP ‘Pledge to America’ agenda to a vote now.”
I decided to read the 48-page Pledge (that’s how long it is if you include the full-page photos of the Statue of Liberty, Mount Rushmore and White people [I'm not kidding read through it yourself here and try to find a single Black person in any of the many photos of "real Americans"]) and got as far as page 5. That’s where I read “We pledge to honor families, traditional marriage, life, and the private and faith-based organizations that form the core of our American values.”
Translation: Gays aren’t entitled to what everyone else is entitled to, no abortions in cases of rape and/or incest (Sharron Angle’s advice to those victims: Don’t get an abortion; turn lemons into lemonade!), and hooray for Jesus.
I’m sorry that I live in a country where the majority of its citizens are not outraged by this.
MOVIE REVIEW… on page 9? What gives?
Oh, it’s Kyle Smith’s three-and-a-half-star review of Waiting for Superman, a documentary about “how badly kids have been betrayed by teachers unions.” Kyle accuses Randi Weingarten (and the union she represents) of being “a defender of the equation ’status quo + more money = good education.” He also praises director Davis Guggenheim for “making a difference” with his movie (though he fails to remind people what he said about Guggenheim’s last movie, An Inconvenient Truth: “In reality, this is an infomercial, masquerading as a documentary… to the film purist, [it] is an abuse of the medium.”).
Yeah, you don’t want to put this with the other movie reviews.
“The Senate will not vote on renewing the George W. Bush-era tax cuts before the elections, a spokesman for Majority Leader Harry Reid said yesterday.”
This is a good example of why I have never identified myself as a Democrat (despite siding with them more often than not).
Remember when I said that Paladino-is-only-trailing-by-6-points poll was bullshit? Well, today there’s a Siena College survey that gives Andrew Cuomo 57% of the vote to Paladino’s 24% (and Lazio’s 8%).
(Not) Surprisingly, this news gets a small sidebar on page 10.
Larry King wants to be on Saturday Night Live.
Presumably so that he can meet Chevy Chase.
Cindy Adams devoted seven paragraphs to her chat with Philip Seymour Hoffman about his new movie (Jack Goes Boating). Here are the last four: “Philip graced his own opening in an open-collar sport shirt, no jacket, baseball cap, brown shoes and khaki jeans with torn cuffs. ‘I love these pants,’ he said. ‘They’re my favorites. The problem is they fall down a little because I have no ass so I don’t round them out enough, and that’s why the cuffs rip.’ A genteel soul, I gingerly mentioned something to the effect of: ‘Hey, pal, you really think this is the right ensemble for a high-class premiere?’ Big star, multiple awardee, Oscar winner, hot actor, heralded director Philip Seymour Hoffman peered at me with: ‘And is this what you’d really like to talk about tonight?’”
She goes on to say that “[Will] Ferrell, who’s his own fan, laughed louder than the audience at his movie shticks and tricks” in The Other Guys, though she neglects to mention when and where (or even if) she saw the movie.
Only in this shitty paper, kids, only in this shitty paper.
Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook and the subject of Aaron Sorkin and David Fincher’s The Social Network, is scheduled to give the Newark school system $100,000,000 today on Oprah. I wonder if he’s doing this to counter the bad publicity that The Social Network is expected to cause him. Nah. Probably not.
In a totally unrelated story, The Social Network opens in a week.
The full-page T-Mobile ad on page 33 proclaims Kids are free until 2012.
Then they get put into camps, thanks to ObamaCare.
Dick Morris and Eileen McGann have decided to ignore the recent Siena College poll (they’ve decided that the results are due to their having “oversampled Democrats”) and warn that “Andrew Cuomo could lose.”
And Rich Lowry’s Republicans’ Pledge: A Big ‘No’ to O begins, “The agenda item calling for pushing the elderly into the streets doesn’t appear in the House GOP’s new ‘Pledge to America.’” It does, however, marginalize homosexuals, non-Christians and victims of rape and incest. But those aren’t “real Americans.”
Facebook had sporadic service disruptions for the last two days, making it harder for the site to sell our personal information to third parties.
But everything’s fixed now!
Vevo is thinking of starting a TV network that plays music videos.
I have a feeling I’ve heard that idea before, but I’m not sure where…
Blockbuster filed for bankruptcy yesterday, “wiping out nearly $1 billion in debt.”
Hey! If the U.S. declared bankruptcy, would we no longer owe China all of our moneys?
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Kyle Smith gives two and a half stars to both Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (“I liked Gordon Gekko better before he turned into Paul Krugman”) and Buried (“It’s got a killer premise — Ryan Reynolds in a coffin for an hour and a half. On the minus side? It’s just Ryan Reynolds in a coffin for an hour and a half.”), and one and a half stars to Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’hoole (“Owl quickly forget it”).
Lou Lumenick gives three stars to Howl (“‘Howl’ about that!”) and zero stars to You Again (“‘You’ get no laughs at all”).
V.A. Musetto gives three stars to Enter the Void (drugs, sex, nudity, violence), giddily pointing out that “Paz de la Huerta plays a topless dancer.”
Pete Hammond calls You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger, “Delightful! Fresh, funny and vintage Woody.”
Tampa beat the Yankees 7-3. We lead them by half a game.
Derek Jeter has gotten at least one hit in each of his last 12 games.
Nicholas Pileggi is shopping around a TV series based on Goodfellas.
I hope it’s as good as Pallies.
Motherfather Chinese dentist.
Linda Stasi on Blue Bloods: “So is it déjà vu all over again? In the words of Sarah Palin, ‘You betcha.’”
She gives it three stars.
SATURDAY
Most of the front page is devoted to Straight back to jail for Lindsay — but you’ll have to go to the follow-up on page 5 to learn that, just eight hours after being sentenced to jail until her next hearing (on October 22nd), another judge reversed the decision and freed her on $300,000 bail.
Michael Lohan is outraged by the cruel punishment his daughter was sentenced to (for eight hours). “They are destroying my daughter’s life. I’m praying that Dina finally, finally gets on the same page with me and does something about this.”
Then he went back to pitching his TV show where he and Jon Gosselin try to pick up college girls. And negotiating with Maury.
The bottom of the cover is SUPER-MAD: Film fuels parents’ furor at broken schools union. The further praise-heaping of the new documentary Waiting for Superman gets two pages of follow-up, saying that the audience of at a recent screening “railed at a broken education system controlled by a union of apathetic teachers.”
Yeah. Fuck teachers. They’re all apathetic jerks.
Another day, another Cuomo-Paladino poll. This one is from Marist College and it gives Cuomo 52% to Paladino’s 33%. Lazio got 9%, so even if he drops out and Paladino gets all of those votes, he’d still be trailing by 10 points.
I hope this doesn’t stop all of the pundits at the Post from treating Paladino like a legitimate threat to Cuomo!
An e-mail was sent to everyone who works at 750 Third Avenue yesterday, warning them that there was a shooter on the 10th floor of the building. It read, in part, “If you are in a safe location, remain where you are. Get behind a locked door, or hide behind some type of obstruction. Lay down on the floor, and remain as quite [sic] as possible.” Seven minutes later, a second e-mail was sent out saying, “The message was sent in error. It was a department drill. Please accept our apologies.”
But it was not immediately read by those who were hiding behind some type of obstruction.
Geoff Earle tells us that “more voters now say they value the endorsement of the Tea Party than the president” according to a CNN poll. But I’m dismissing the results of that poll and assuming they “oversampled the retarded.”
Bedbugs were found in Bloomingdale’s. Did I say bedbugs? I meant bedbug.
A Bloomingdale’s spokesperson assured the public that only one bedbug was found and that it was promptly “removed.” So they had no reason to close the store or take any further action.
I say again, I don’t understand why (most) physical stores exist anymore.
Andrew Kelly surrendered yesterday and will begin serving his jail sentence for driving drunk and killing Vionique Valnord (he was a cop at the time). His sentence is three months.
It pays to be a cop in NYC!
According to Page Six (today on page 10), Nick Cannon recently said, “I have done quite a few movies after Drumline. It’s just that they’re all pretty bad and you’ve never seen them.”
I guess I should stop writing the screenplay for Roll Bounce 2: Skeet Skeet Skate!
Stephen Colbert testified before a congressional committee (in his TV persona). Some people are outraged that he was allowed to do so. In fact, one of today’s editorials (Who’s the Real Clown?) complains, “A House panel actually had im stop by to ‘testify’ about… well, it wasn’t clear.” If only they had read Charles Hurt’s TRUTHINESS GOOFINESS on page 11.
“At the close of the hearing, Colbert dropped his TV persona, saying he was using his celebrity to bring attention to farm labor because ‘these seem to be the least of my brothers. Right now, migrant workers suffer and have no rights.’”
The editorial goes on to explain that “The best hope for an economic rebound now would be immediate certainty that no one will be hit with new taxes.”
The answer to the editorial’s titular question is “whoever believes that.”
The New York Bar Association ruled yesterday that it is ethical for lawyers “to comb social networking Web sites to collect damaging information on opposing parties in lawsuits.”
Expect a lot of people to be untagging a lot of photos of themselves in the next few weeks.
“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi… said yesterday she is considering calling a vote on extending middle-class tax cuts next week.”
Mark Zuckerberg claims he considered making his $100,000,000 donation to the Newark school system anonymously. But, he says, Mayor Cory Booker and Oprah Winfrey convinced him to take credit.
Why does this guy have a reputation for being full of shit?
British law demands that any time a pre-schooler does “anything that might be considered racist,” it has to be reported to the authorities. Over a quarter of a million reports have been filed.
(insert Hitler Youth joke here)
Mitchell Heisman, 35, committed suicide by shooting himself in Harvard Yard. He left behind a 1,905-page suicide note.
“The document, posted at www.suicidenote.info, makes convoluted claims about democracy, Hitler, Jews, Christians, the American Revolution, and what he called ‘Jesus’s penis of the spirit.’”
Please come see my new improv group, Jesus’s Penis of the Spirit, this Friday. We’re opening for Abuse of the Medium.
Eliot Spitzer on Andrew Cuomo: “The problem Andrew has is that everybody knows that behind the scenes he is the dirtiest, nastiest political player out there.”
Me-yow!
Borders has scrapped their plans to open a store on the Upper West Side.
They were all set to go ahead until someone showed them how the Internet works.
Tampa Bay won their third in a row, the Yankees lost their third in a row and Boston won their second in a row.
The AL East is now led by the Rays with the Yankees half a game behind them and six and a half games ahead of Boston.
Andy Pettitte returned (yay!) and gave up seven runs on ten hits in a little over three innings. A-Rod and Teixeira each hit two home runs (and Granderson and Swisher had one a piece), but it wasn’t enough.
The Magic number is still at 3.
Justin Bieber’s appearance on CSI drew 14,700,000 viewers.
No word on whether or not he was allowed to stay up and watch it.
Michael Starr (remember him?) gives the season premiere of Eastbound & Down three stars (I guess Linda Stasi doesn’t have a monopoly on three-star TV reviews!).
Michael explains that he never watched the show before but that “it’s OK to land in this show’s strange universe without having been there for the lift-off.”
Season One was six episodes long. That’s less than three hours of TV. He couldn’t watch it before reviewing the second season?
Putz.
That’s all for today. Sunday and Monday will be covered tomorrow.
Enjoy what’s left of the weekend!
Here’s Johnny Carson using the c-word.
Have a wonderful Saturday! And make reservations to see Dog Court defend their title in the UCB Cage Match this Thursday at 11:00 p.m.!
Dog Court won the UCB Cage Match last night. Teresa and I stayed out with them until 2:00 a.m. and got to sleep between 3:30 and 4:00. Mike Pullan and I went to a taping of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? today at 11:00 a.m. because our friend Will Choy was supposed to be competing. But he didn’t. Instead, Mike and I spent seven hours watching them tape five episodes of the show (Fun Fact: Merideth Vieira looks HORRIBLE in person). Then we took the test to be contestants and failed.
At that point, I was all set to unfriend Will on Facebook, burn ABC to the ground and go home. But Will offered to buy us dinner as a consolation prize. Mike demanded Shake Shack. Will agreed. It was delicious.
And now it is 9:30 p.m. and I am exhausted.
Maybe I’ll do today tomorrow, maybe there will be a quadruple-feature on Monday. I don’t know. What I do know is that Will recommended I look at old Tony Danza Show clips on YouTube. Especially this one:
How did this show last two years?
One of the three headlines on today’s cover (besides NOW THAT’S FARE!: 59 cabbies charged in double-rate scam and Red-faced Jets: HUMILIATED REX SAYS ‘ENOUGH’) is J.LO: Why I’m an ‘Idol’ judge (please let the answer be “$12,000,000 and free prime-time ads for my increasingly-poorly-selling albums”).
Ms. Lopez’s actual answer: “it felt right.”
Do I get partial credit?
The “makeover” of Union Square (featuring the installation of another 650 pieces of street furniture) was unveiled yesterday and Rebecca Rosenberg and Bill Sanderson report that businesses and pedestrians in the area love the redesign. Waitaminute… is it possible that the co-author of this article is Mayor E.B. Farnum? Maybe he’s researching a role?
Safe sex gets harder announces that Drew University in New Jersey has done away with the basket of free condoms in the lobby of their Health Services Department due to “budget cuts and thefts.”
“We put out baskets of free condoms for the students but they kept disappearing. So we’ve stopped giving out condoms and are focusing our budget on the steadily-increasing cases of STDs our school has started to experience.”
The full name of the institution is Drew The Short Straw University.
Are you feeding your child Similac? Are you in the United States, Guam, Puerto Rico or “some Caribbean countries”? Then you might have one of the 5,000,000 containers that are being recalled. And why is it being recalled? “Because of possible contamination by beetles or beetle larvae,” according to Abbott Labs. “There is a possibility that infants who consume formula containing the beetles or their larvae could experience symptoms of gastrointestinal discomfort.”
We need less regulation in this country.
Francisco “K-Rod” Rodriguez now faces an additional seven (7) counts of criminal contempt for violating an order of protection (56 times!) by texting his babymama (including “Remember, greed is the first step toward treason.”). The Mets are looking to void the remainder of his three-year/$37,000,000 contract (it started in 2009).
Poor K-Rod.
ObamaCare is here reveals the insidious provisions of the new health-care law that take effect today.
* Young adults can stay on family’s plan until age 26 (had been 22).
* Immunizations free for kids.
* Eliminates co-pay for preventive care, like mammograms and cholesterol screenings.
* No more lifetime-coverage limits; annual limits begin to be phased out.
* Insurers can’t dump people who get sick.
* No denial of kids with pre-existing health conditions.
I hope you’re happy, you anti-colonial Kenyan monster. Your anti-American/pro-Muslin policies will surely be the death of us all (starting with our grandparents). As Judy Wessler, head of the New York Commission on the Public’s Health System, said, “Anybody who is fighting this is cruel.” Wait… what? That must be a typo. Because these socialist policies are going to bankrupt the private sector! The Post reports that, due in no small part to these unholy additions, “businesses expected health-care costs to increase 6 percent next year, about the same as last year.”
Wait. Now I’m confused. Luckily the Post has included a piece that tells the story of a family being unfairly burdened by the reforms that President Osama is cramming down our throats. Extension boon to family with girl at Princeton talks about how the Goldblatts of upstate Orange County really feel about the reforms. Father Stanley says, “It puts Alison [our daughter] in a better position when she gets out of school. This is good for us.” Mother Mary Beth says, “Other people are critical of health-care reform. I’m not. It’s better than what we had.”
I’m glad the GOP is fighting to repeal this bullshit. It’s destroying America.
Yemen was supposed to play Israel at a world chess tournament, but Yemen wouldn’t allow their players to play against Israelis. So the Yemeni players never showed up to the match. But the Yemeni sports ministry wanted them to storm out in protest — not just not show up – and so the team is being punished. Also, Israel was given a “win by forfeit,” which Yemen’s deputy sports minister denounced as a “Jewish trick.”
Yemen is a jerk. A jerk that doesn’t understand the correlation between attendance and forfeiture.
Michael Enright, 21 (the guy who recently slashed a Muslim cabby), told his arresting officers, “I am a patriot and I want representation.” He also told a female officer, “You are a stupid broad,” and “you allow them to blow up buildings in this country” (which a reference to his grudge against either the people who caused 9/11 or Michael Bay’s production company).
His petition for bail has been denied. Probably by a stupid broad.
The most expensive iPad is (currently) $829.
Yves Saint Laurent is releasing a black leather iPad case this month which costs $795; Chanel’s quilted black leather case costs $1,555.
Etch A Sketch offers a hard plastic case that makes your iPad look like their signature product for just $39. I think Apple approved it in the hopes that people will absent-mindedly shake their iPads so violently that they destroy them.
OK. I’m calling bullshit on this one.
PALADINO’S POLL SHOCKER claims that Carl Paladino has used “voter rage to [get] within a mere 6 pts. of [Andrew] Cuomo” in the latest Quinnipiac poll. The poll “of likely voters” shows Cuomo leading Paladino 49-43 percent. “Since the poll’s margin of error is plus or minus 3.6 percentage points, the findings mean that the race between the popular and well-known attorney general and the little-known but highly controversial Paladino could be a dead heat,” claims Fredric, You Dicker U. Dicker.
Rudy 9iu11ani meanwhile has refused to endorse Paladino, but Mayor Bloomberg has announced his support for Cuomo. Paladino’s campaign manager (Michael Caputo) criticized Bloomberg’s decision, saying, “One upside to this: The two can stop passing Grey Poupon back and forth from their limousines. It’s holding up traffic on Park Avenue.”
Congratulations, Republicans! You have yet another multi-millionaire (worth roughly $150,000,000 according to his own Web site) candidate accusing his opponent of being an out-of-touch “elite.”
Cindy Adams begins today’s column with a vague (but passionate) non-sequitur: “EVERYONE, stop calling this Ground Zero mosque a religious problem! It’s not based on religion, it’s based on patriotism!!!” Then she talks about Boardwalk Empire for a while. Then she says, “Carl Paladino, huffing and puffing for governor, is helping elect Cuomo. GOPniks are distancing themselves from him, waiting for other things to drop.”
How is it that the crazy old gossip columnist understands politics better than everyone else at the Post (not counting today’s first two sentences)?
BP is running their full-page ad with the two people staring at the ground again.
Heckuva job, BP.
John Podhoretz proclaims Time To Get Serious, Carl: You’ve got a shot at winning.
Cindy Adams: 1, John Podhoretz: 0
Congratulations, David Koch! You’ve passed Mayor Bloomberg on the list of New York’s wealthiest New Yorker! Your fortune has grown to $21,500,000,000 (vs. Bloomberg’s $18,000,000,000)!
But the real winners are the Teabaggers! Think of how many anti-fatcat rallies he can subsidize for you now!
Blockbuster is expected to declare bankruptcy today.
This news would have greatly affected me fifteen years ago.
Sara Stewart asks CAN ‘SNL’ BE SEXY AGAIN? and cites Jason Sudeikis dating January Jones as proof that it can (and is).
I thought they broke up after she got angry because he told the 8 people watching Lopez Tonight that he had had sex with her.
I am so out of the loop.
Tampa Bay beat the Yankees last night (and Boston won), so our lead in the AL East drops to one and a half games (and the Magic number remains at 3). Once again, Sabathia and Price will pitch in tonight’s last game of the series. We can’t sweep the Rays, but 3-1 would be an awesome way to finish it. And it’d be nice for Sabathia to win his 21st of the season. I would love to watch this game, but I gotsta/prefersta hang with the Dog Court kids.
Bonus points: Mike Vaccaro’s NO SWEEP DREAMS: Once again, Rays shows they belong contains today’s most prominent typo. Can you find it?
Linda Stasi reviews Outsourced (Call of Dhoti: Forget PC talk about ‘Outsourced’), calling it “The Office without the smugness” and “horribly funny.”
Final verdict? Three stars.
Reservations for the Cage Match tonight have sold out. I really can’t wait to see Dog Court on the UCB stage.
I also can’t wait for 6:00 because that’s when most of the restaurants on 7th Avenue (in Park Slope) start giving out free sampes of their wares and discount coupons for future meals. There are so many places we haven’t tried yet, it’ll be nice to sample their… samples.
The weekend is a mere 26 hours away! Rejoice!
EXTRA PINT!
Blitzed Jet star busted for DWI
Braylon Edwards, wideout for the New York Jets, was busted in Midtown yesterday (at 5:15 a.m.) for driving with a blood-alcohol level of twice the legal limit. He admitted to police that he had been drinking (a lot) with his teammates and appealed to the NYPD officers’ charity. “We were coming from a party. How about I just leave the car and take a cab and go home?” he asked. I guess the cops are Giants fans because they declined his offer.
But Braylon wasn’t pulled over for driving erratically. He was pulled over because his Range Rover has “overly tinted windows.” This angered the man with “bloodshot watery eyes” who “reeked of booze.”
“Why was I stopped for having tints if my driving didn’t lead you to believe I was drunk?” he demanded. Oh, I know this! Probable cause!
The article also offers the following paragraph which I have read ten times and still don’t understand: “[Edwards] also questioned why he wasn’t given a field sobriety test, curiously noting, ‘They do it in Michigan… All right, I’ll take it.’” The Post is a really terrible newspaper.
The Jets have already announced that Edwards will not be suspended, though he will have to pay a $50,000 fine to the NFL (which is less than 1% of the $6,100,000 the Jets are paying him this year). Poor guy. He has been charged with driving while intoxicated and driving while impaired — both misdemeanors.
I will ask again: Why isn’t drunk driving attempted murder?
At least they put it in quotes.
‘Mosque’ open despite violations begins, “The building slated to become a mosque and community center near Ground Zero now hosts weekly prayer services for several hundred worshippers despite two open violations for ‘immediately hazardous’ conditions, The Post has learned.” And it ends with, “‘The two violations will not impact the current temporary place-of-assembly permit, which allows the space to be occupied,’ said Buildings Department spokesman Tony Sclafani.”
So the Buildings Department is OK with the services being held there, despite the “lack of an automatic sprinkler system” and “holes in floors.” So why is this on page 2?
Page 3 includes Geoff Earle’s American Dream dead, which cites an ABC News/Yahoo News poll that claims 43% of respondents say “if you work hard, you’ll get ahead” is no longer true.
Well, if 43% of respondents believe something, it must be true!
Anybody need another reason to despise the MTA? Well, you’re getting one anyway.
Since January of 2010, a total of 192 MTA bus drivers “have been issued summonses for texting, eating, and reading behind the wheel.” 178 for texting while driving, 7 for eating while driving and 7 for reading while driving.
If I ever catch the driver of a bus I’m on doing any of these things, I will throw their phone/food/book out the window. But I won’t spit on them, lest they get a four-month paid vacation.
Twitter got hacked yesterday, redirecting users to hardcore porn sites without their consent.
Maybe it’s time for me to get a Twitter account?
Carl Paladino announced his hand-picked four-member “blue-ribbon tax-cut team” yesterday. One member was CNBC host Lawrence Kudlow. The Post called him for a comment. “Kudlow cracked up for several seconds after learning of Paladino’s ‘announcement’ from The Post and then said, ‘I don’t know Mr. Paladino. I don’t know what to say.’”
Another member of the panel was ex-state Comptroller Ned Regan. When asked about his involvement, Regan said, “I don’t know anything about it and I don’t think I’ll do it. I haven’t talked to [Paladino] in six or seven years.”
Paladino just oozes competence. Racist, incompetent competence.
A judge has ruled that there are substantial differences between the movies Rear Window and Disturbia, ending a copyright lawsuit brought against Steven Spielberg (Disturbia’s executive producer) by the owner of the rights to the short story that Rear Window was based on.
See, Rear Window is about a guy who can’t leave his house and sees what he believes is a murder but can’t get anyone to believe him until it may be too late. It is one of (if not) Hitchcock’s best. Disturbia is about a guy who can’t leave his house and sees what he believes is a murder but can’t get anyone to believe him until it may be too late. It’s surprisingly boring.
Case closed!
Archie is running for class president at Riverdale High. Veronica pulls some strings and arranges for a photo op between Archie and President Obama. Archie’s opponent, Reggie, fights back by getting Sarah Palin on his side.
This is the story line for the two-part “Campaign Plan” which begins this December. I hope the 36 obese 50-year-olds that still read Archie enjoy it!
Japan refused to grant Paris Hilton entry into their country. So she returned to the United States.
Any time Japan acts saner than us, a chill goes up my spine.
“Senate Republicans yesterday blocked an effort by Democrats and the White House to lift the ban on gays from serving openly in the military, voting unanimously against advancing a defense policy bill that included the provision.”
Not a single Republican broke rank. Disgusting.
“The MTA is on track to roll out a $104 monthly MetroCard.”
And I am on track to start tunstile jumping.
James Gandolfini was pulled over for running a stop sign while talking on his cell phone. Then the cop learned his license was suspended. So his truck was impounded and he had to call someone to come and pick him up.
The cop did offer to drop all of the charges if Gandolfini told him what the ending of The Sopranos meant, but Gandolfini had no idea.
It’s nice to see that her sabbatical hasn’t made Cindy Adams any more coherent (or relevant).
“Unwed teenage mama Bristol Palin and that together/not-together piggy daddy Levi Johnston definitely affected Sarah Palin.”
I’m glad Cindy finally broke this story. B’also?
Baby daddy = father of the baby. Piggy daddy = father of the piggy.
I bet calling her grandchild a piggy will affect Sarah Palin.
The rebirth of Coney Island has been so successful, they’re keeping it open until Halloween!
Teresa and I might have to hit those bumper cars again before the end of next month… and Nathan’s…
The recent tornado has claimed its second victim: Richard Bermudez, 57. He tried to rescue the other casualty of the storm, Aline Levakis, but couldn’t. The stress and grief he felt as a result caused an aneurysm that ultimately killed Bermudez. He was supposed to get married in two days.
Godspeed, Richard.
Researchers at Cardiff University in Wales have discovered a link between the smell of toast and happiness.
Time and money well spent.
Boy, that new Katherine Heigl movie looks great, huh?
At 2:00 p.m. yesterday, a man laid down on the tracks of the northbound A train at 96th Street. He was killed. Some passengers were trapped on the train (without electricity!) for an hour as a result.
If I was trapped on an unmoving train for an hour — with or without electricity — I would start eating the other passengers. Unless I brought a snack.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives four stars to The Social Network (“quite possibly the first truly great fact-based movie of the 21st century”) and two and a half stars to You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger (“Woody on autopilot”).
The Minnesota Twins have clinched the AL Central division title.
The Yankees beat Tampa Bay again, expanding our lead in the AL East to 2 1/2 games.
Boston lost to Baltimore for the second day in a row.
Our Magic number is now 3.
Linda Stasi reviews Undercovers (Double agents: Couple too gorgeous to go ‘Undercovers’). She calls it “tough to swallow” and “more hype than heft” and “[not] as good as [Alias, Fringe and Dollhouse].”
She gives it three stars.
Christine O’Donnell’s spokeswoman called an appearance on Real Time with Bill Maher “unlikely.”
Excellent! That means I can look forward to more clips of her being insane every week on the show!
The Post claims that Maher said yesterday that he’s airing the clips until she comes on the show. And he may have, but he also said that on last Friday’s show.
On a side note, how many of O’Donnell’s supporters do you think attend her rallies for the sole reason that they can scream “We hate Coons!” as loud as they want?
HBO has renewed Boardwalk Empire after its first episode played to roughly 5,000,000 viewers.
Um… they understand that Scorsese is only directing the pilot, right?
House was disappointing this week. Let’s hope it gets better. No pun intended.
In other TV news, Hell’s Kitchen returns tonight, as does Modern Family. Yayz.
Happy Hump Day! See you tomorrow!
Today’s cover (BETRAYED: Fed-up Obama voter asks this question to his face) features Velma Hart and most of the question she asked Obama at yesterday’s town hall in Washington, D.C. I couldn’t find a photo of the cover, but I did find video of the full question:
She certainly doesn’t seem to be as angry as the Post portrays her (the article describes her as “plucky,” and claims that she told the paper that “she was not completely satisfied with Obama’s answer” — which was that she was the “bedrock of America” and that some of the policies that his administration has already implemented will help Hart and her family).
If you make it to the 22nd paragraph of the article, you’ll read, “Despite the disappointment, Hart said she reamins ‘100 percent’ in support of Obama.”
And it wouldn’t be an attack on Obama without a sidebar by America’s Shame™, Charles Hurt. Prez sings an absurd new tune: ‘I’m a Li’l Tea-pot’ explains that Obama calling the Tea Party part of a “noble” American tradition, he was trying to convince us that he’s a Tea Partier. Hurt goes on to say that Obama “whined” and “bleated” during the town hall and implies that he’s more insane than one of his fellow Fox employees (“And people say Glenn Beck is crazy?”). “So, Obama is the responsible fiscal conservative now? What’s next? Obama becomes one of those crazy ‘birthers’ his administration used to spend so much time attacking? But forget demanding to see his birth certificate or inquiring whether he was born in America. The real question is becoming: What planet is the guy from?”
Yeah, that always bothered me, too — why did the Obama administration spend so much time attacking the people who kept insisting he wasn’t an American citizen? You know, the people that Fox News gave voice to on a seemingly constant basis for the better part of a year (if not longer)? Why did Obama keep trying to correct their ignorance and unfounded fears? What a whining, bleating Marxist.
Today’s movie-playing-in-the-background is 1983’s The Final Terror. Adrian Zmed, Daryl Hannah, Joe Pantoliano, Rachel Ward and Mark Metcalf co-star in this movie about forest rangers being killed in the woods. It’s produced by Joe Roth (co-founder of Morgan Creek Productions), directed by the guy who directed The Fugitive (Andrew Davis), and terrible.
Page 3 has a nice half-page photo of Paris Hilton’s attorney staring at her breasts in court. She pleaded guilty to cocaine possession and was sentenced to a one-year suspended sentence and 200 hours of community service.
Also on page 3 is LOHAN BUST & BOOM: Arrest warrant amid ‘milkaholic’ victory. I guess E*Trade decided to settle Lohan’s defamation suit against them (I’m assumng for less than the $100,000,000 she was asking, but no one is saying what the actual figure is). Yay! Happy Lindsay! But then a judge issued a bench warrant for LiLo because she failed her last two drug tests (there was cocaine and amphetamines in them). She faces up to 30 days for each failed test. Awwww. Sad Lindsay.
But if Paris is any indication, Lindsay will receive another gentle tap on the wrist before being further enabled.
Loronda Murphy, the chairwoman of the North Castle GOP (in Westchester) has stepped down amid allegations of fraud (they say she stole money in order to refinance her home).
The GOP is the fiscally conservative party? And people say Glenn Back is crazy!
The Post has had a field day with a new book’s claim that Michelle Obama said she “can’t stand” her life as the First Lady and called it “Hell” in response to a question from Carla Bruni. Except Carla Bruni just came out and said “Of course, Michelle Obama never said such a thing.”
I wonder if Mandrea and Goodwin (who both made the same “don’t worry — it’ll all be over in two years” joke) will print apologies. Actually, no I don’t.
Carl Paladino’s campaign ad features Andrew Cuomo in a shower with what looks like bowel movements smeared all over his body. It reads: “Clean up Albany? Start with Cuomo.” But… Cuomo is in the shower. So… he’s cleaning up himself.
Cuomo’s response ad features Paladino’s head Photoshopped onto a big body (plus a pig nose) and the headline “PALADINO AT THE PUBLIC TROUGH.” It also points out that the guy who’s screaming about government hand-outs gets $12,000,000 in tax breaks every year and $10,000,000 in rent from the government. I wonder if he’ll give that back if elected. Actually, no I don’t.
But at least this is a classy election process.
At around noon yesterday, a fire broke out under a Metro-North railroad bridge (the 138th Street lift bridge) in Harlem. Service was stopped until 2:30 p.m. (the fire was put out by 1:30), with full service restored by 4:15.
The MTA is a well-oiled machine. That I hate.
What kind of story gets printed on page 10 of the Post? Why, only the most important ones, of course! And so I present Palin gal rocks in its entirety.
“Bristol Palin made her dazzling debut on Dancing with the Stars last night, doing the cha-cha to ‘Mama Told Me’ (Not to Come). [sic] The 19-year-old single mother came out in a buttoned-up outfit but soon tore off that costume for a slightly more revealing get-up during the ’70s tune by Three Dog Night in the ABC reality show.”
I found a photo (at the Daily News!) of her outfit (plus Jennifer Grey and The Situation!).
Slightly more revealing? I can practically see her vagina!
Maybe Mama should have told her (not to let Levi come)? (You betcha!)
Kelly McGillis got civil-unioned in New Jersey (it just doesn’t have the same ring, does it?) to her girlfriend, Melanie Leis.
I tried to get a comment from Kelly’s Top Gun co-star, Tom Cruise, but all he would say was, “It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.” Over and over again.
The FDA has proclaimed that salmon that is genetically engineered to grow “super-fast” is just as safe to eat as regular salmon. Federal regulators are currently deciding whether or not to allow the sale of this new salmon.
What could possibly go wrong?
GM is recalling over 20,000 Cadillacs “to replace a potentially dangerous glove compartment.”
Hey! They stole my movie idea!
(crumples up 20-page treatment for The Potentially Dangerous Glove Compartment)
Not content with running a longer version on the front page and then again on pages 4 and 5, the Post runs part of Velma Hart’s quote (though this time they credit it to “a military veteran and mother of two” — are they trying to make it seem like more than one person said this?) at the bottom of the editorial sidebar on page 26 (Still Waiting for the Change).
Page 37 is devoted to the story of doorman Miguel Enriquez (THE TENANT WHISPERER: He doesn’t just hold doors open for the ladies — he makes them feel gorgeous). “For more than a decade, he’s been murmuring sweet nothings and positive affirmations into the ears of Manhattan women.”
Eyew. A sidebar offers three of MIGUEL’S MOJO TIPS: 1. Be overprotective; 2. Don’t be shallow; 3. When all else fails, buy your woman lingerie.
Follow these three easy steps and you, too, can be a lecherous doorman.
The Yankees beat the Rays (8-6) and Boston lost. The magic number is now 5. And we lead by 1 1/2 games.
The inscription on the new George Steinbrenner monument (unveiled last night) ends with “he followed a personal motto of the greatest form of charity is anonymity.” Is it just me or does that not scan well?
Linda Stasi reviews Michael Imperioli’s new show, Detroit 1-8-7. “You’ve seen it, but see it again.” Is the show good? “It is.” So how many stars does she give it?
Two.
Running Wilde premieres tonight at 9:30 on Fox. Let’s hope it’s not too good or it won’t last the season.
Happy Tuesday!
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