Hurricane Earl is expected to hit Eastern Long Island this evening — that’s today’s cover story (EARL TAKES AIM: Monster storm zeros in on Long Island). I remember when it was spelled “zeroes.” Or did I dream that?

And what will Earl do when it reaches Long Island? Be windy with mild rain. Which is why it’s on today’s cover. As opposed to, say, page 4’s It’s déjà ‘boom’ in the Gulf: New rig blast stirs oil fear (one of five articles on the page). Because, really, who cares about another oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico?

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New York ranked 46th in the Reason Foundation’s study of national highway quality. But we can still look down our noses at the roads in Hawaii, California, Alaska and Rhode Island.

(waves miniature New York pennant)

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A man and woman (and I use the terms loosely) got into a scuffle at the US Open last night. She asked him to stop shouting “fuck” and he told her, “You’ve got a problem? Go ahead and hit me.” So she did. And then he hit her. And then another man joined in. No arrests were made but all three were ejected.

Major Walter Clopton Wingfield would surely be pleased with the caliber of people enjoying his sport.

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‘HAMA$’ MOSQUE FUNDER: 6G gift to front group is on page 3. It tells the story of Hisham Elzanaty, an Egyptian-born businessman and “major investor in the proposed mosque near Ground Zero.” You’ll have to get to the ninth paragraph of the story to find out what the headline refers to: He gave $6,000 to the  Texas-based Holy Land Foundation for Relief and Development — “the largest Islamic charity in the US” — in 1999. In late 2001, the feds designated it a terrorist organization. In 2008, five of its leaders “were convicted of providing material support to Hamas.”

Elzanaty’s attorney told the Post that his client “believed he was spending $500 a month to help orphans.”

But why paint this guy as a generous sympathizer to the plight of orphans? Especially when the final headline is much catchier. Bonus points for the dollar sign used as an S.

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GOP primary voters favor Lazio over Paladino 47% to 35%, but 62% of Paladino’s supporters say they’re committed to their candidate to Lazio’s 42%.

It’s a fight to the finish to see who’ll get to lose to Cuomo!

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The US Consumer Product Safety Commission and Health Canada both investigated the nearly 4,700 claims that Pampers Dry Max caused diaper rash in their children. Both agencies have concluded that there is no link between the diapers and the diaper rash.

(in Chief Wiggum’s voice) “That’s some good police work, Lou.”

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Cipriani has been granted an injunction. September 7th’s planned public auction is now on hold. Cipriani and Capital One are due back in court October 19th.

I wonder how this will affect my bid on their shrimp cocktail recipe…

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According to Page Six (today on page 14), Vienna Girardi is complaining that she isn’t getting into Hollywood parties because her new haircut prevents people from recognizing her. “I have to scream at people saying, ‘I’m Vienna from The Bachelor!’”

Wouldn’t it be easier to print up business cards? Or do something that demonstrates even a shadow of a modicum of talent?

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Rage over suicidal-plunge whining: CHARGER CHICK AUTO BE ASHAMED notes the outrage caused by Maria McCormack’s comments in yesterday’s paper regarding Tom Magill’s almost-suicidal plunge onto her car. Friends of Magill (and total strangers) all write in to criticize Mrs. McCormack’s shallow comments. But she claims her words were “distorted” by the Post.

Which is kind of like complaining that the interviewer from The Daily Show made you look stupid.

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A 21-year-old student at St. John’s University was allegedly raped in an alley by James Gillespie. During the alleged rape, she managed to call 911. The recording of her repeatedly begging her assailant, “Please don’t do this to me!” was played in court yesterday. Gillespie’s defense? “I believe she was spiteful enough to make that call after I left because she was disappointed.”

So, you admit that you’re a lousy lay? Hopefully, you’ll learn some new techniques from your bunkmate. The hard way.

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Wait. James Jay Lee took those hostages because he was trying to get programs like Kate Plus Eight and 19 Kids… and Counting off the air?

His methods may have been repugnant, but his heart and mind were in the right place.

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Democratic Long Island state Senate candidate Dave Mejias, 39, has been arrested for allegedly trying to run his ex-girlfriend off the road. He has been charged with misdemeanor stalking, menacing and reckless endangerment.

I guess he was hoping to fill the void left by Hiram Monserrate.

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T.I. (real name: Clifford Joseph Harris Jr.) has been arrested (along with his wife, Tameka Cottle) on suspicion of possessing methamphetamines.

He is currently working on a new album: King Uncaged. He may need to rethink that title.

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Sheriff Joe Arpaio is being sued by the Justice Department for refusing to turn over records to them for their probe into whether or not his department discriminates against Hispanics. They’ve been trying to get the records for over a year.

And why won’t he turn over the records? “Because federal authorities haven’t said what they were investigating.”

Why do I get the feeling that Joe’s defense no es verdad?

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According to the Post, Mark Eskelsen called Beaverton, Oregon police “from his home hot tub to say he needed a towel, hot chocolate with marshmallows — and a hug.”

Every other news agency in the country is calling Eskelsen a homeless who was trespassing in someone else’s hot tub.

Who to believe… who to believe…

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That 2-year-old Indonesian boy who smoked two packs of cigarettes a day? He quit. How’d he break the habit? “A government psychotherapy program that diverted his attention from cigs to toys.”

But is smoking 40 toys a day any healthier?

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The editorial More Mosque Revelations ends with the sentiment, “Nor is there room for [Rauf's] mosque at Ground Zero.” Even though it isn’t a mosque and it isn’t being built at Ground Zero.

Which reminds me: When are we going to see Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s birth certificate?

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“Ferrari is recalling some of its 458 Italia supercars after reports of fires in the luxury vehicles, which sell for $253,000.”

If it bursts into flames, can you really call it a supercar?

Also, I’m pretty sure Ferrari was the last car company to not recall some cars in the last two years.

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Walt Disney and Time Warner Cable have reached an agreement! Mediocre television for everyone! Hooray!

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Crude oil went up to $75.02/barrel.

Sorry I told you to sell! Sorry I told you to sell! Sorry I told you to sell!

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MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives two and a half stars to Machete (“Mexploitation bloodbath can’t cross the border into Tarantino turf”).

Lou Lumenick gives three stars to The Winning Season (“a great showcase for [Sam] Rockwell”), one star to Going the Distance (“Funny? Not even remotely”), and three stars to Max Manus (“rousing”).

V.A. Musetto gives the Chinese remake of the Coen Brothers’ Blood Simple — A Woman, A Gun and a Noodle Shop — three and a half stars (violence, sex), three stars to Last Train Home (mature themes) and two stars to White Wedding (sexuality).

Jeff Craig calls Going the Distance “sexy and seriously funny.”

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Sabathia win yesterday (he gave up one hit in eight innings) put the Yankees 1 1/2 games ahead of Tampa Bay. Ivan Nova gave up three runs on six hits in the first 4.2 innings of today’s game against Toronto. It’s the top of the sixth as I write this and the score is 5-3 Yankees.

In other Yankee news, Alex Rodriguez has fired his agent, Scott Boras. Hopefully Boras will be ablt to take solace in the tens of millions of dollars he’s made off of A-Rod over the years.

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Michael Lohan is currently in talks with Maury Povich. Povich wants him to come on the show to take a DNA test (Kristi Kaufmann claims that Lohan is the father of her 15-year-old daughter). Lohan has reportedly said yes; Povich is now waiting to get the go-ahead from Kaufmann.

Just when you thought Maury couldn’t get sleazier…

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The good news: Neil Gaiman’s Sandman is close to becoming a TV show.

The bad news: Neil Gaiman isn’t involved in any capacity and the network that is involved is… the CW.

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Brett Gardner’s triple just made it 6-3. I loves me some Yankees.

Tomorrow night’s Let’s Have A Ball will feature some awesome sit-ins. You should swing by if’n you can.

Have a great weekend!