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Four For F.O.R. (Friends of Resnik)

7th September
2010
written by jed

SATURDAY

Page 3 features a wonderful piece about American Idol (‘Idol’ judge Kara out with J.Lo on the way). We knew Kara wasn’t coming back months ago and J.Lo’s participation is still just a rumor. So why is this on page 3? Hmmm… which network airs AI again?

Carl “run niggers, run!” Paladino told a group of conservatives in Hornell (that’s upstate) that Queens and Staten Island are “just like us. That leaves Manhattan, The Bronx and Brooklyn — and they can have them. First, you can’t get around down there, and secondly, there aren’t many Republicans. Then you’ve got Bloomberg down there saying, ‘Give us your poor of America.’ Easy for him to say. He’s a billionaire.”

1) I’m pretty sure Paladino credited Bloomberg with writing Emma Lazarus’ The New Colossus.

2) You can get around Manhattan, The Bronx and Brooklyn rather easily… unless you’re in a limousine.

3) Paladino claims his net worth is $150,000,000. So, its easy for him to say, too.

4) He’s running for governor of all of New York, not just the places he likes. Luckily, he has no chance of winning.

The authorities have found that girl in the red hoodie who was filming herself throwing puppies into a river — in Bugojno, Bosnia-Herzegovina.

The juvenile faces a fine of up to $6,400. And a life in Bugojno, Bosnia-Herzegovina.

The German newspaper Bild quoted Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband (Prince Frederic von Anhalt) as saying that his wife “dreamed that her beauty would be immortal. I would like to show the plastinated body of Zsa Zsa Gabor” on Thursday.

Von Anhalt has denied saying this and is considering legal action.

Try getting the image of a plastinated Zsa Zsa out of your head. And, if you do, please let me know how.

The editorial Accidental Honesty is outraged by the comments of Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick. Patrick was asked if Glenn Beck should have been allowed to hold a demonstration on the anniversary of (and at the same place as) Dr. Martin Luther King’s March on Washington. He replied, “It’s a free country. I wish it weren’t, but it’s a free country.” The Post’s response to Patrick’s reply?

“It’s a little jarring to hear a senior elected official complain about the First Amendment like that, even if he does seem resigned to honoring it. He does, doesn’t he?”

It’s a little jarring to hear an (allegedly) fair and balanced newspaper take a senior elected official’s words out of context and accuse them of not honoring the First Amendment. Which is, in and of itself, mildly ironical.

Rich Lowry writes (again) about that same Glenn Beck rally (A BOURGEOIS REVOLT), noting the “estimated 300,000 attendees” (which is over 3x the number estimated by everyone who isn’t Glenn Beck’s employer) and explaining what they represented.

“This was the revolt of the bourgeois, of the responsible, of the orderly, of people profoundly at peace with the traditional mores of American society.”

What makes me smile is that, had Lowry told 95% of the attendees that they were the bourgeois, they would have punched him in the face and told him to go back to Kenya.

The Yankees won their 7th game in a row, Tampa Bay lost their 2nd. Deliciousness.

Bonus: Dustin Pedroia (of the Red Sox) is out for the rest of the season.

Joel Sherman offers his latest in a series of assaults on Derek Jeter (What’s in a name? When you’re ‘Derek Jeter,’ an undeserved spot atop the order).

Is Jeter in a slump? Yes, maybe even the worst of his career. Would I rather have anyone else playing shortstop and batting first for the Yankees? Nope. Would I rather read someone else’s coverage of the Yankees? Very much so.

SUNDAY

The Mosque money mystery gets most of the front page today (LET’S MECCA DEAL: Owners sold building for $4.8M after nixing $18M). Except that it’s not a mosque. And, in a capitalist system, people are free to sell their property to whoever they want to, for any price they want to. Unless they’re beige.

Of the 254,076 students at NYC schools (grades K-8), 22% have a body mass index that classifies them as “clinically obese” and another 18% are “overweight.”

And all of them sit next to me on the bus.

Comedian (and cancer survivor) Robert Schimmel, 60, was killed in a car accident. His 19-year-old daughter was driving and his 11-year-old son was a passenger. The kids are both OK. Schimmel was dealing with a possible return of the cancer at the time of his death.

He will be missed.

Is Jerry Seinfeld the actual author of Ted L. Nancy’s books (Letters From a Nut)? “The announcement will come on CNN later this month.”

Yawn.

P.S. – $5 says he isn’t.

That woman in Iran who was sentenced to death by stoning for adultery? That’s not all she’s facing.

Her son claims that she has also been sentenced to “99 lashes for a photo published of her without a headscarf.”

Let’s hope her lawyer convinces them to stone her to death first.

Over on page 18 (!), there’s a small piece (Smoke monster over W. Side in pier blaze) on the three-alarm fire at Pier 97 that sent a “monster black cloud that shrouded blocks of skyscrapers” and that “more than 100 firefighters battled” for over an hour on Saturday afternoon.

Final sentence: “It wasn’t immediately known if any toxic materials burned.”

Page 3 is divided between a Ukranian man riding an ostrich (Ostrich race is neck and neck) and a piece on how former Good Day New York anchor Jodi Applegate’s fiancé (Michael Kay) only likes to eat “steak, bacon and chicken parmesan” (BRONX BELLY BOMBER). Page Six is on page 10. OFFICE SPACE CADETS: New York’s craziest cubicles are on pages 12 and 13. The potnetially toxic smoke clouds that covered the West Side Highway (and hundreds — if not thousands — of New Yorkers) yesterday is on page 18.

The EXCLUSIVE on page 19 (SICKO’S RAIL ‘RUSE’: Rapist MTA staffer busted over ’subway honcho act’) tells the story of Willie Perez, 42, who was busted for wearing a track-worker’s uniform and roaming L-train platforms telling people he was “Supervisor Perez” (he was actually employed by the MTA to clean Metro-North trains). And once he was busted, it was discovered that he’s a “convicted child rapist.”

“Perez repeatedly violated a 15-year-old boy in 1998 and was charged with third-degree sodomy.” Let’s see… repeatedly raping a child… how much time do you think he served? Eight years? Ten years? “He served four years and is a Level 3 sex offender, meaning he has a ‘high risk of repeat offense and a threat to public safety exists.’” Yeah… you don’t want to keep that guy in prison for more than four years.

Bonus points: We now have another reason to loathe the MTA.

There’s a nice Point/Counterpoint on page 24. Peggy Noonan pens GOP will STOMP THIS FALL, which begins, “Eight weeks out and you don’t have to be a political professional to feel what’s in the air: The Republicans have a big win coming.” Her piece is roughly three times the size of Stephen Lynch’s No, Dems will RULE FOREVER, which begins, “Worried about this year’s midterms? Don’t fret, Democrats — your party will be in power until 2032! That’s the unlikely premise of Permanently Blue (Three Rivers Press) by Democratic speechwriter Dylan Loewe.”

Did I say Point-Counterpoint? I meant Point/Ridiculing-the-Counterpoint.

Fun Fact: 22 years = FOREVER!

Tony Blair on George W. Bush: “The stupidest misconception is that he was stupid.”

Have another drink, Tony.

All of page 42 is devoted to the debate over whether or not Joaquin Phoenix is actually a deranged rapper who has permanently retired from acting or if he’s just perpetuating that persona for the new “documentary” about him, I’m Still Here. Reed Tucker laments, “Nobody can decide if I’m Still Here is for real.” Maybe nobody at the Post, but the rest of humanity is fairly confident that the man who announced his retirement from acting by writing GOOD on the knuckles of one hand and BYE! on the knuckles of the other — but did it the wrong way, which is why photos of his farewell gesture read BYE! GOOD, is (as Rick Gervais would say) havin’ a laugh.

Professional photographer Jenica, 27, is today’s MEET MARKET entry. Tell us about her, Post!

“Jenica kept her 3-D glasses after seeing Avatar. She breaks them out at parties for a couple laughs and says they’re always a hit.”

How is she still single invited to parties?

ASK ASHLEY!

A guy I like has expressed interest in me, but I know that he’s been with many prostitutes overseas. I like a lot of things about him, but can’t help but wonder if men who have frequented prostitutes are capable of being good boyfriends and husbands. Knowing what you know, what are your thoughts? — Lisa, 25, Long Island

ASHLEY: “First, I can’t help but think you met him through the business because it sounds like you’re not very close… I don’t think men who frequent prostitutes are boyfriend or husband material. They go to them for a reason: It’s exciting, and they like variety.”

ME: “First, I can’t help but laugh at Ashley’s assumption that, based on your three-sentence letter, you’re a prostitute. Project much, Ash? I also enjoy Ashley’s glamorization of johns — excitement and variety are the only two reasons guys frequent prostitutes. Hey, Lisa? European hookers have almost as many diseases as American ones. If you like this guy enough to accept a burning sensation when you urinate, stick with him. If not, find one of the thousands of men on Long Island who haven’t slept with Ashley Dupre (or someone like her).

I recently started hanging out with this girl I’ve known since I was young. During our third date, she asked if we could date casually because she wanted to experience dating different people. What does “dating casually” mean and what advice would you give me as one of her casual dates? She also told me that she wants to “feel special” on the next date? What is my obligation if I’m just a casual date? — Joseph, New Jersey

ASHLEY: “Casual dating is when you date a few people and aren’t exclusive with any of them. But you don’t usually tell the people you’re dating that you’re doing this; you sort of just do it. You both might know it’s happening, but it’s something that just isn’t discussed… If it gets to a point where you no longer feel comfortable ‘casual dating,’ break it off. In fact, I’d take her to McDonald’s, order off the dollar menu, spring for an Oreo McFlurry (to make her “feel special”) and tell her to take a hike. But that’s just me.”

ME: “The (former?) whore insists that casual dating requires that you don’t discuss it. I also confuse casual dating with Fight Club, but since your friend isn’t as shallow and duplicitous as Ashley, respect her honesty. After all, knowing is half the battle (according to the great philosopher G.I. Joe). Also, that McDonald’s thing that Ashley recommends you do? Unless you’re six years old, don’t. What Ashley seems to have missed is that your friend asked you if casual dating was OK with you. If it isn’t, tell her so. If she agrees not to do it, then there is no problem. And if she insists on doing the thing you don’t want her to do, you just saved yourself from a relationship that was doomed to fail.”

The Yankees won their 8th in a row and Tampa Bay lost. We now lead them by 2 1/2 games (and Boston by 10).

In his last 10 games, Marcus Thames is .314 with 7 home runs (including yesterday’s game-winner).

Hooray for baseball!

MONDAY

Page 2’s McCain slams O’s tax-cut ‘flail’-ure explains that John McCain is calling Obama’s tax-cut package a “deathbed conversion.”

If anyone knows anything about deathbed conversions, it’s McCain who, as of today, has had seventeen.

Wyclef Jean played the Hammerstein Ballroom on Friday and, during his song “If I Was President,” he told the crowd, “I got a message for Sean Penn: Maybe he ain’t see me in Haiti because he was too busy sniffing cocaine.”

Oh no he dih-ih!

On page 8, we learn that the Pier 97 fire was caused by a faulty air conditioner (AC unit blamed for trash fire).

You know what isn’t mentioned? The toxicity of the smoke. Maybe we’ll find out about that tomorrow?

There was a protest in Staten Island to fight the proposed Islamic cultural center near Ground Zero. It was organized by “local ex-Congressman Vito Fossella.”

“All we ask is simply, ‘Why here? Why now?’”

The article fails to mention why Mr. Fossella (a Republican) is an ex-Congressman (his misuse of campaign funds and DWI arrest — that revealed his secret second family — were contributors).

Men’s Health magazine has released their list of the worst things you can eat at chain restaurants. Pizzeria Uno (which I guess is now called Uno’s Chicago Grill?) owns the top two slots with their Deep Dish Sundae (2,800 calories) and their Lobster BLT Thin Crust Pizza (1,530 calories and half the recommended daily intake of sodium and fat). Applebee’s Provolone-Stuffed Meatballs and Friendly’s Grilled Cheese Burger Melt (a cheeseburger served between two grilled cheese sandwiches) are somehow better for you than the things on Uno’s Chicago Grill’s menu.

All of a sudden, I’m hungry. For a cheeseburger wrapped in a pizza and deep fried.

“Metro-North has temporarily suspended any hiring in order to review employment practices.”

It was either that or adding “Have you ever been convicted of repeatedly raping a 15-year-old boy?” to their applications.

Eugene “Gino” DiSimone is running in Nevada’s gubernatorial race. The cornerstone of his platform is his proposal to raise $1,000,000,000 for the state. How? By allowing people to buy a 24-hour “license to speed on highways” (with a 90-mph maximum).

What could possibly go wrong?

George Clooney’s The American took first place at the box office this weekend ($13,000,000). Takers narrowly beat Machete for second place ($11,500,000 to $11,300,000) and Going the Distance opened in fifth with $6,900,000.

The top five box office hits of the summer were Toy Story 3 ($405,000,000 — animated, a sequel and a 3-D movie), Iron Man 2 ($312,000,000 — a sequel), Twilight Saga: Eclipse ($298,000,000 — a sequel), Inception ($267,000,000) and Shrek Forever After ($238,000,000 — animated, a sequel and a 3-D movie) — making Inception the exception.

The Yankees lost on Sunday, but so did Tampa Bay and Boston (who were swept by the White Sox). The standings remain the same.

Larry Brooks’ Jeter’s down year not a deal-breaker is the perfect antitode for Joel Sherman’s whining.

It’s good to know I’m not the only one who wants Derek Jeter to put babies in him.

The Post claims that Oprah wants Sarah Ferguson “to make a TV series about how being abandoned by her mother at age 13 had a ‘devastating’ effect on her life.”

A series? Really? I can’t imagine how even a 30-minute special could expand on the information contained in the bolded description.

There’s a TV show called Thintervention?

Sigh. Of course there is.

TODAY

There’s a 24-page NFL pullout — with a shirtless Rex Ryan using the Meadowlands as a kiddie pool (or is it his toilet?). Is that a disturbing image? Well, don’t worry — it only appears on page 33. Oh, and today’s cover. Also on the cover, POTHOLE PREZ: Big spender O’s $50 billion road-fix plan.

“President Obama just can’t control himself when it comes to spending taxpayer dollars — yesterday pitching a plan to pour $50 billion into roads, rails and airports that drew scorn from the GOP.”

How about when Obama says or does something that doesn’t draw scorn from the GOP, you put that on the cover?

Page 3 features a photo of Rihanna in a bikini. She’s in Hawaii filming Battleship, the movie based on the board game. I wish I was kidding.

New York is ranked the sixth-most stressed-out city in the nation. Detroit came in first. Cleveland and Los Angeles also placed higher than us. That leaves two more cities that ranked higher, but the Post needed to make room for the Rihanna photo, so I can’t tell you who they are.

Joran van der Sloot is now claiming that he only accepted money from Natalee Holloway’s family in exchange for their daughter’s corpse’s location “to get back at them.”

Why has no one shanked this waste of hair yet?

The Post literally put words in “Governor” Paterson’s mouth today.

Paterson is asking both supporters and detractors of the Islamic cultural center near Ground Zero to “all step back and try to devote a week of peace” in honor of the start of Rosh Hashanah, the end of Ramadan and, of course, the anniversary of 9/11.

“I’m going to try, as much as I can, not to talk about [the mosque] for a week just to see if this exercise would help New Yorkers and Americans remember that the terrorists didn’t care who we were when they attacked us.”

He didn’t call it “the mosque.” He might even have been referring to the issues surrounding the mosque Islamic cultural center and not the building itself, but I can’t find his original, unedited quote.

I hate this paper so much.

An EXCLUSIVE on page 7 claims that Al Sharpton’s National Action Network is on the verge of bankruptcy (AL’s ‘NET’ LO$$ES).

Poor Fat Al.

(if this is true — when it’s no longer the Post’s exclusive, I’ll start to believe it)

“A nearly 10-mile ribbon of red tide was spotted yesterday in city waters.”

Thus disproving global warming.

Hmmmm… what do you suppose he’s trying to keep from becoming public knowledge?

John Travolta has asked a judge in the Bahamas to drop all charges against the two locals accused of trying to extort $25,000,000 from Travolta following the death of his son.

Curiouser and curiouser…

When do you suppose the Post will stop claiming that Cindy Adams will return soon.?

Victor Davis Hanson (who once referred to Donald Rumsfeld as a “proud and honest-speaking visionary”) is the author of WHY WE MISS BUSH: Straight shooter vs. ‘yuppie’ O. He says of Obama, “he can’t really speak off the teleprompter without pauses, repetitions and constant self-referencing.”

It’s a full half-page of stuff like that. Let’s just slowly back away and move on, shall we?

The Yankees extended their losing streak to two games, as did Tampa Bay. A-Rod got 2 RBIs, making him the first player in MLB history to have 100 RBIs in 14 seasons.

Sabathia is going for his 20th win tonight against Baltimore (he already has 4 wins against them this season).

Hondo, who is a disgusting individual, is betting on the Orioles.

As if I needed another reason to root for the Yankees.

Paige Albiniak predicts that Will Arnett’s new sitcom, Running Wilde, will be the first show cancelled in the upcoming TV season. I guess Paige didn’t know that’s a Fox show. Pack up your desk, Paige!

And if Cupcake Wars, Ace of Cakes, Cake Boss, The Cupcake Girls and DC Cupcakes aren’t enough shows about desserts for you, look for Bravo’s Top Chef: Just Desserts in September. And then look for professional help.

And that’s the last four days. Time to go to a rehearsal! Happy Tuesday!

Dailies

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