Archive for May, 2011
Dominique Strauss-Kahn is back on the cover (MAID MEN: DSK hires all-guy staff to tidy up townhouse). Apparently, he’s bi-sexual.
Bonus Points: One of the “all-guy staff” (of two) is the latest person to be featured in the Post for standing in front of 153 Franklin Street.
Mega-Bonus Points: The 74-year-old former chairman of Egypt’s Bank of Alexandria, Mahmoud Abdel-Salam Omar, has been charged with “sexual abuse, unlawful imprisonment, forcible touching and harassment.” He was staying at The Pierre hotel on Fifth Avenue when he asked a 44-year-old maid to bring tissues to his room at around 6:00 p.m. on Sunday. Once she entered, he locked the door behind her and “allegedly grabbed her breasts and began kissing her on the lips and neck.” She managed to push the bathrobed millionaire away, telling him, “I’m not up here for that.” He asked for her phone number. She gave him a fake one and he let her go.
The maid “ran directly to a manager to report the alleged attack. But the manager told her she had to tell her own supervisor, who wasn’t working at the time” More like sucky Pierre, am I right?
“The woman reported the attack yesterday and… experienced NYPD detectives found the complainant to be credible.”
Also on today’s cover: Bartolo Colon (he threw a 4-hit complete game against the A’s yesterday; the Yankees won 5-0) and Snooki (because sex — even the sloppy, disease-ridden kind — sells).
Snooki’s a wreck in Italy reports that the “reality” “TV” “star” drove her car into an Italian police car last night and “put two Italian police officers in the emergency room.” She was driving a Fiat Multipla (since the first day I saw her, I was afraid she would one day Mutipla).
My favorite part of the article is the last paragraph: “Driving in Florence has been an ongoing problem for [Jersey Shore] cast members, who had racked up more than $400 in traffic fines there even before last night’s crash.”
On May 15th, the Post reported that they had “racked up $375 in traffic fines while tooling around Florence.”
Yesterday, Nick Pisa and Ginger Otis Adams claimed that the cast had “racked up three parking tickets totaling $350.”
As many as 400 500 400 500 400 cops applaud the Post’s attention to details.
“City officials are scrambling to fix glaring online security lapses after The Post reported that detailed floor plans for top terror targets can be downloaded from the Department of Finance’s Web site.”
(garbage = confidential documents, forest = the Internet, the two trees = World Trade Center, Pogo’s tail = Arab Spring, flowers = Palestinian settlements, Pogo’s shirt = ugly)
For some weird reason, the Post’s Anthony Weiner follow-up (on page 4) contains no penis puns (Weiner cops out, hires att’y). It does, however, contain this: “Political opponents seized on the incident and compared Weiner to married former upstate GOP Rep. Chris Lee, who quit last year after being caught trolling for dates on Craigslist. Then Weiner’s backers questioned why conservative blogger Dan Wolfe, who had been hinting about Weiner scandal for weeks, appeared to be the only person to have noticed the dirty image and retweeted it.”
Do you remember when newspapers reported facts instead of parroting innuendo and groundless accusations? Me neither.
Weiner’s response? “Look, you’ve got Republicans… playing games with the debt limit. You’ve got a Supreme Court justice who is refusing to recuse himself despite conflicts of interest. We have a health-care act that is under siege. This is a distraction. I get it. I was hacked. It happens to people. You move on.”
If only.
Who wants to bet that the headline for tomorrow’s follow-up is E-PROBLEM FOR WEINER GROWS?
The NYPD has been cracking down on José Andujar, 43, for selling “Obama condoms” in Times Square.
He has been arrested three times in the last year for “unlicensed peddling.”
According to the Post, Andujar’s “slick sales pitch” is: “It’s the election, erection for your protection.”
On the one hand, three of those words do, in fact, rhyme. On the other hand, that makes absolutely no sense.
“Hackers have cracked PBS’ Web site — apparently posting a story claiming slain rapper Tupac Shakur was alive in New Zealand.”
Political opponents immediately seized on the incident and compared PBS to married former upstate GOP Rep. Chris Lee, who quit last year after being caught trolling for dates on Craigslist.
The title of the Post’s piece on yesterday’s various Memorial Day ceremonies (Vets, pols brave heat to remember fallen) bothers me. Yes, “brave” can be used as a verb. But I think it works better as an adjective for the fallen.
[WARNING: The following is extremely graphic. If the bolded headline below bothers you, skip to the next piece.] There are a lot of really, really disgusting details in Doug Auer and Helen Freund’s Upper East sex fiend attacks woman, 85. I won’t share them all, but the basic story is:
A “tattooed thug, in his mid-20s, grabbed the victim on the corner of Madison Avenue and East 83rd Street and dragged her to a sunken stairwell at a brownstone half a block away. The man, seen on surveillance video with his arm around the defenseless senior’s neck, forced her to perform oral sex before taking off with her jewelry.”
I miss frontier justice.
According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), Courtney Love recently said, “I don’t understand the Hamptons. I feel like it’s the band Muse. I’ve never gotten into Muse. You can’t just listen to one song. I’m like eight albums behind.”
She insists that she is no longer a drug user, which makes statements like this even scarier.
Page Six also asks, “Which right-wing politician’s spouse bats for the other team? The pol’s Bible belting can’t keep the other half from the gay bars.”
I’m going to guess… Todd Palin.
Christy Turlington Burns has directed a documentary on maternal mortality (“the death of a woman during or shortly after pregnancy”). The title? No Woman, No Cry.
Wow.
Damn it.
Cindy Adams didn’t die over the holiday weekend. She begins today’s column with “Blot the suntan oil, holiday’s over, get into gear, pay attention, I have much to say:”
Among the much she has to say? “Oprah’s network doing some reality thing on Tatum O’Neal’s life…”
It seems like only November 1, 2010 that Oprah made that announcement.
“Anthony Weiner’s new political pudding is a crock of tapioca.”
Can someone ask their grandparents what that means for me?
“Guys at a Third Avenue bar dreamt they saw all the Sports Illustrated models in 3-D. That’s their apartment — 3D.”
Get. In. The box.
It’s been a long time since I inducted anyone to the Hall of Fame for Jerks, but Cynthia R. Fagen’s piece on Ben Shapiro’s new book (Primetime Propaganda) has inspired me.
In his book, Shapiro complains that M*A*S*H “promoted pacifism,” that Happy Days contained an anti-Vietnam subtext (“‘If you really look for it, you can find it,’ the writer says.”), and that Friends co-creator Marta Kauffman admitted to him that, “When we did the lesbian wedding, we knew there was going to be some flak. When we cast Candice Gingrich as the minister of that wedding there was a bit of a ‘fuck you’ in it to the right wing.” (Candice is Newt Gingrich’s lesbian sister).
But the thing that made me angry enough to induct Shapiro was his claim that Sesame Street promotes a left-wing agenda. “Shapiro complains that after 9/11, Sesame Street execs tried to teach youngsters that conflicts should be resolved peacefully — implying that the United States should negotiate rather than go to war.”
Shapiro writes, “Sesame Street tried to tackle divorce, tackle ‘peaceful conflict resolution’ in the aftermath of 9/11, and had Neil Patrick Harris [a gay actor] on the show, playing the subtly named ‘fairy shoeperson.’”
You know who else (allegedly) “tackled peaceful conflict resolution”? Jesus Christ. Why don’t you write a book about his left-wing agenda, Ben? Oh, right. Because then someone would kill you.
While looking for a photo of Mr. Shapiro, I found this:
Fuck you, Ben Shapiro. And welcome to the Hall of Fame for Jerks.
Weird BUT true reports “The goofy hat worn by Princess Beatrice to Britain’s royal wedding… has been sold on eBay for $131,000.”
Maybe they should change the name of this sidebar to Weird BUT reported over a week ago.
The Boston Red Sox are now 30-24 (.556). The New York Yankees are 29-23 (.558).
Which means we’re back in first place in the AL East.
But we’re playing Oakland again tonight and Freddy Garcia is pitching. Last year he was 0-1 against Oakland with an ERA of… 33.75.
(hooks finger into collar, pulls on it)
This has to be a joke.
“Moviemaker George Lucas says he has 50 hours worth of the long-anticipated Star Wars live-action TV series already shot — but is awaiting a technological breakthrough before the show can make it to TV.”
What is he waiting for? Television sets that improve dialogue?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Almost all of page 65 is devoted to Sean Daly’s BAD DAD: Ryan O’Neal comes off as villain in docu-soap, which discusses Tatum and Ryan O’Neal’s new show on OWN.
I hope someone shows it to Cindy Adams (so she learns about the “reality thing” Tatum O’Neal is doing… and because there’s a chance that the person showing it to her will trip and accidentally smother her to death).
And that’s Tuesday.
B’also? Why don’t you visit The Nietzsche Family Circus? It randomly pairs a Family Circus cartoon with a Friedrich Nietzsche quote to great comic effect.
Enjoy what remains of your Tuesday!
Rep. Anthony Weiner is on today’s cover (WEINER ROAST: Grilled over impostor’s lewd photo) because, really, how often can the Post make fun of his last name on their front page without coming across as crass?
(Never.)
Anyway, the reason they put him on the cover today is because “Some DC wonks were skeptical of Weiner’s hacking story and questioned the lack of a police report about a crime as serious as Internet identity theft, a Washington insider said.” Well, if “a Washington insider” says that “some wonks” are skeptical, that’s certainly front page news.
Bonus Points: The follow-up on page 5 is titled WEINER GOES TO GREAT LENGTHS. See what they did there? Here are some other incredibly witty headlines that I expect to see tomorrow:
WEINER ERECTS DEFENSE
THE THRUST OF WEINER’S ARGUMENT
WEINER’S COCK AND BULL STORY
THE VAST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WEINER AND THE TRUTH
WEINER’S BONER
WEINER: WHY WOODY LIE?
WEINER’S LAST NAME ALSO MEANS PENIS SOMETIMES
32-year-old Jonathan Lynn (not the one who wrote and directed the movie Clue), tried to board a G train in April of last year, only to have the door close on his shoulder and carrier bag.
“He ran along with the car, yelling and pounding on the door, unable to get the operator’s attention as he was dragged toward the wall, according to [his lawsuit], which names the MTA and two of its employees.”
“Lynn suffered a compound fracture and a gaping wound to his left arm as well as a head injury, according to the suit, which seeks unspecified damages.”
My prediction: They settle out of court for $10,000,000.
This weekend’s box office saw The Hangover Part II making $86,035,000 and Kung Fu Panda 2 pulling in $47,835,000, followed by Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides ($39,592,000), Bridesmaids ($16,550,000) and Thor ($9,400,000).
“The administrator of BP’s Gulf of Mexico oil compensation fund has started to wind down his operations after paying out $4 billion — just one-fifth of the $20 billion fund available… ‘I’ve used just over $4 billion… I don’t envision a flood of new claims,’ [Ken Feinberg] said.”
1) See? Rush Limbaugh was right! The spill wasn’t so bad after all! And the Gulf cleaned itself!
2) I hope BP gets the rest of that money back.
3) “Did I say flood? I meant tsunami. Wait that’s worse than flood. Can you replace ‘flood’ with ‘tornado in Joplin, Missouri’? Wait! No! Japanese nuclear meltdown. Yeah, I don’t expect a Japanese nuclear meltdown of new claims. Phew! I almost came across as insensitive!”
Who got their photo in the Post for stopping by 153 Franklin Street today? It’s Marc-Olivier Strauss-Kahn, younger brother of Dominique Strauss-Kahn!
I can’t wait to see who winds up in tomorrow’s paper!
Naomi Campbell is threatening to sue Cadbury for this ad:
“I’m shocked. It’s upsetting to be described as chocolate, not just for me, but for all Black women. It is insulting and hurtful,” Campbell said. She is urging Black consumers to boycott Cadbury.
I hope she does sue and that they televise the look on her face when the defense introduces Exhibit A:
(photo by David LaChapelle)
John McCain on whether Sarah Palin could beat Barack Obama in 2012: “Of course, she can. Now, whether she will or not, whether she’ll even run or not, I don’t know.”
Eight seconds later, he said the opposite and denied ever saying anything about Palin running and screamed at a reporter for implying that he had. Then he repeated the original quote.
“Bishop Eddie Long was back in the pulpit [in Georgia] yesterday, the first Sunday since he resolved the lawsuits brought against him by four former members of his New Birth Missionary Baptist Church… the young men alleged Long had coerced them into sexual relationships with gifts… several hundred congregants clapped and cheered as Long appeared. He did not address the allegations or the settlement, which was reached on Friday.”
Missionary, indeed.
Derek Jeter was 1-for-3 in last night’s win over Seattle, putting him just 20 hits away from 3,000.
The Yankees are one game behind Boston in the AL East.
OMG! That’s today! I didn’t think I’d finish!
I’d like to thank the Academy and the men and women of our fighting forces all over the globe.
Happy Memorial Day!
After this week’s Let’s Have A Ball, someone stopped me outside and asked me if anyone ever told me that I look like…
[SIDE NOTE: Over the years, I have heard this question many times. It usually ends with the name “Jimmy Kimmel,” but it has also ended with various others including John Belushi, Jay Leno, Jim Belushi, and Fred Savage. But this is the first time someone confused me with their question.]
… a young Michael Kay.
This is what Michael Kay currently looks like:
Unless he had reconstructive surgery, I just don’t see it/ya.
(see, Michael Kay says “see ya” when someone hits a home run… never mind)
The cover of today’s PARADE magazine/insert features Scott Bakula, Andre Braugher and Ray Romano (co-stars of Men of a Certain Age), each with a quote about the show. Ray’s is “The guys on Entourage are living in such a different world from ours. We’re more like Oldtourage.”
I think Entouroldage would have been funnier.
Kenneth Moreno’s wife is on today’s cover (‘SHE CAN GO TO HELL’: Says woman ‘made up’ rape for money). “A furious Julia Moreno yesterday said her husband’s Thursday acquittal shows that the whole tale was a lie and that the fashion executive who pointed the finger should go to jail.”
Moreno’s full quote is: “She should go to jail for this. She had two days to make up this story with her lawyer friends before she went to the hospital.” She later added, “I know [Kenneth]. He’s the guy on the force that they call to take home partners’ girlfriends when they’re too drunk. He’s trusted by everyone.”
Even if he hadn’t been kicked off the force, I have a strong feeling that no one will ever ask Moreno to drive their girlfriends home again.
For the record, Julia Moreno is as terrible at making birds with her hands…
…as she is at using a telephone:
Someone hacked Rep. Anthony Weiner’s Twitter and Facebook accounts and tweeted a photo of “a bulging male member cloaked in gray briefs” to one of Weiner’s followers – a female college student.
Weiner removed the photo (of the weiner) from his account almost immediately, but not before it was retweeted and screen-grabbed by various other people. 15 minutes later, Weiner sent out the following tweet:
Tivo shot. FB hacked. Is my blender gonna attack me next? #TheToasterIsVeryLoyal
I can’t wait until he becomes my mayor.
John Perry, who swore to continue his hunger strike until the New Yorker issued an apology and retraction for the story they wrote about Perry and John Lurie, has started eating again. “Perry said the story made him look like a lunatic. The magazine took back none of it – but the editors’ statement said Perry lacked a ‘history of persecutory behavior.’”
Perry told the Post that that the statement was “all that he wanted.”
Translation: “I’m starving.”
“The Dutch government has officially riled up potheads around the world by banning foreign tourists from lighting up at the country’s famous cannabis ‘coffee’ shops.”
Joe Klare (of the Web site The 420 Times) wrote, “I guess it’s a good thing that the Dutch have so many other amazing tourist attractions to lure in foreign money – like their booming wooden-ships-in-a-bottle industry.”
And prostitution, Joe. Tourists can still fuck their prostitutes. And visit the Anne Frank House.
The death toll in Joplin, Missouri is now at 139. It is expected to go up.
Michael Goodwin’s ONE DEM VOICE OF SANITY begins, “Who said, ‘I’m afraid the Democrats will draw the conclusion that because Congressman Paul Ryan’s proposal, I think, is not the best one, that we shouldn’t do anything, and I completely disagree with that’? Hint: It wasn’t Barack Obama, though it should have been. The correct answer is Bill Clinton, who showed again how a president can lead his party toward the center and solve problems.”
1) Clinton disagrees with the idea that we shouldn’t do anything. Which is being proposed by… who? Who is saying that nothing should change?
2) When Republicans refuse to compromise, they are lauded by the Post (and, at times, Goodwin) for sticking to the courage of their convictions, but when the Democrats do it they’re being stubborn and need to move “toward the center.”
a) If one person wants to order a pizza and another wants to set fire to an orphanage, what’s “the middle”?
Vladimir Putin on Dominique Strauss-Kahn: “It is hard for me to evaluate the political motives. But I cannot believe that it looks the way it was initially introduced. It doesn’t sit right in my head.”
Kirstie Alley on Dominique Strauss-Kahn (who she lives next door to on Franklin Street): “Our system says it’s innocent until proven guilty.”
I stopped being a fan of hers when I found out she’s an avid Scientologist, but she just earned major points by referring to DSK as “it.”
According to Page Six (today on page 14), “Lou Dobbs’ 22-year-old daughter, Heather, graduated from Harvard University Extension School last week with her baby, Sarah, and fiancé, Scott MacKay, in tow. The Dobbs family was there to support Heather, who gave birth in October and graduated in May.”
Yes, but when did she graduate?
Also, didn’t you teach your kids to get married and then have kids, Lou?
Selena Gomez, 18, is dating Justin Bieber, 17. Here are some of the messages that have been posted on Facebook and Twitter about her:
- “Stay away from Justin pedophile.”
- “Dear Selena Gomez. I hate you more than life. Go jump off a cliff. K? Bye.”
- “Selena Gomez is dangerously close to a long, slow painful death.”
- “If Selena Gomez breaks Justin Bieber’s heart, I will not break her face! I will kill her without kindness.”
The course of true love never did run smooth…
There’s a two-page article on the cast of Jersey Shore’s adventures in Italy.
The only interesting thing I learned from the piece (which is mostly a rehash of the previous 417 Jersey Shore articles) is that JWoww went on Italian television and was interviewed by Simona Ventura, who asked her to look into a wishing well and describe her future.
“’I don’t see nothing. What do you mean?’ a puzzled JWoww said, peering into the ornamental well and then frowning in confusion.”
They’re at their most entertaining when they aren’t trying to be entertaining.
Isabel Vincent’s Serb butcher’s life on the run is the third or fourth Post piece on Ratko Mladic I’ve read that mentions the 1995 massacre that killed 8,000 men and boys.
But it’s the first that refers to those 8,000 men and boys as “Muslims.”
Clean out your desk, Isabel.
“I worship the ground Paul Ryan walks on. I hope he doesn’t run for president because that would ruin a good man who has a lot of work to do.” — Dick Cheney
I’m not making that up. Cheney actually said that.
Which I believe means that George W. Bush was a bad man who did very little.
Besides start two wars and destroy our economy.
Kyle Smith’s Profits of doom: Pseudo-scientists are just as wrong as Rapture folk about end of the world is a master class in false equivalencies.
“Scientists love to see their names in print, don’t they? Coincidentally, they also love grant money, book deals, awards. The easiest way to obtain these things is by alarmism.” Says the man who loves to see his name in print and works for a man who learned long ago that the easiest way to get people to read his newspapers and watch his news networks is alarmism.
“All Harold Camping has to do to be treated as a genuine visionary is to change the words at the beginning of his doom sermons from ‘the Bible says’ to ‘science says.’”
Kyle Smith’s columns make me doubt evolution. But not for the reason he thinks.
Here’s Katy Perry’s tour rider:
Reed Tucker’s STARE WARS discusses various celebrities’ (rumored) tour riders and makes fun of Katy’s misspelling of “stare” as “stair,” but fails to mention that she also misspells “rearview mirror” as “rearvieuw mirrow” in the same sentence.
I just had a brilliant idea: I’m going to make cookies and sell them for $10,000 a piece. Then I’m going to get celebrities to add them to their riders and I’ll give them 50% of the profit. I am a genius.
ASK ASHLEY!
One of my best girl friends and I recently hooked up, no strings attached, for the first time. Before she went downtown she looked me deep in my eyes and said, “Are you prepared to have the best [oral sex] you’ve ever had?” I just sort of went for it as sexy talk and got hot about it. Problem is, it wasn’t great. At all. Maybe it was the hype, but I think she’s actually just not that good at it. Should I tell her so she quits embarrassing herself in front of other guys with this lame-o setup? — Dave, Manhattan
ASHLEY: “Stroke her ego a bit and admit that since it was only one time, you know she can do better. Suggest that she try again, but this time, talk her through it.”
ME: “Blowjobs are subjective. One man’s fetish is another man’s repulsion. Maybe the next guy she blows will love what she does. My advice? Never use the phrase ‘went downtown’ again, unless you are referring to the geography of a city.”
A guy friend of mine recently slept with a girl friend of mine. The girl has HPV, a fact that I know confidentially. She never told my guy friend because “he didn’t ask,” plus so many people have it and live with it. Should I betray her secret and tell him? — V.S., Lower East Side
ASHLEY: “Rather than betray her by telling him, I think you should talk to her first.”
ME: “The fact that you aren’t sure what to do tells me that you are a phenomenally shitty friend. If a female friend of mine knew that a woman I slept with had HPV and didn’t tell me – before or after the fact – I would never stop spitting in her drinks.”
V.A. Musetto writes about the 14th Brooklyn Film Festival (which starts Friday) today. He mentions/recommends five things, including Nobody But Her (“the story of 8-year-old Greta and her abusive granny”), Dame Factory Inc. (“the fantasy looks at how ‘culture commodifies and objectifies female bodies”), and Lea’s Sundays (“an 18-year-old girl wakes up naked and with a killer headache in the bed of a man twice her age”).
Oh, Uncle Creepy. Whenever will you be arrested?
Mike Zunino and Brian Johnson both play college baseball for the Florida Gators — Mike catches, Brian pitches. And, as far as I know, Brian did not kill Mike’s parents. Which makes it harder to understand why Mike did this to Brian:
Brian got a concussion but has reportedly recovered.
Though he probably won’t ever turn his back on the catcher ever again.
A big thank you to Steve Serby for his full-page Doing Derek dirty: Captain should be cherished, not criticized.
After months (years?) of reading Joel Sherman’s cruel anti-Jeter rants, this was an incredibly pleasant (and well-written) surprise.
And that’s Sunday.
I have errands to run for the remainder of the day, so you (probably) won’t hear from me until tomorrow.
Enjoy the lovely weather on this happy/somber Memorial Day.
According to Amazon.com, Cambridge, Massachusetts is “the best-read city in the United States.” If this is true, it must be incredibly frustrating to be so well-read and yet so close to Boston.
In the Post’s latest anti-teacher expose (TEACHER GUTTER MOUTHS: 10 guilty of harass), we learn that the Department of Education’s Office of Equal Opportunity found 10 teachers guilty of “sexual harassment or verbal bias.”
You probably want to know over what period of time these findings cover. So do I but this is the Post, so they don’t provide that minor detail. They do, however, list six of the offending teachers, what they did and what their punishment was. For example: “Juliet Salcedo, a teacher at Brooklyn’s James Madison HS, flipped out after a student asked her about Cinco de Mayo. ‘Do I fucking look Mexican?’ she told a staffer. ‘I’m sick of all these fucking Mexicans… They’re all in gangs and are ruining the school since they came here.’ Salcedo refused to talk to investigators. She and assistant principal Maria DiLorenzo, who failed to report the incident, received letters of reprimand and underwent sensitivity training.”
If this is true, then Salcedo should never set foot in a classroom again. But which “staffer” made this accusation? Did the assistant principal not report the alleged offense because she thought it lacked credibility? I only ask these questions because the Post loves to make teachers look greedy/incompetent/racist but rarely provides context for their alleged misdeeds. On account of they’re so fair and also balanced.
I considered adding “Are all of the Mexican students in gangs?” to my list of follow-up questions, but I think we all know the answer to that one.
(The answer is no, racists.)
“A judge has ruled that the campaign-finance law banning corporations from making contributions to federal candidates is unconstitutional… [US District Judge James] Cacheris says that under the Citizens United decision, corporations enjoy the same rights as individuals to contribute to campaigns.”
How about this: Corporations can enjoy the same rights as individuals when they pay the same taxes as individuals. Sound like a plan?
All 7,000 pages of the Pentagon Papers are finally going to be made public next month… except for 11 words on one page.
It doesn’t say whether it’s a single sentence or not, but I’ve been trying to come up with an 11-word sentence that threatens national security enough to not be released with the rest of the Pentagon Papers.
The best I could do is “All work and no play makes Richard Nixon a dull boy.”
Feel free to submit your own.
“A Bronx man was arrested yesterday for threatening to blow up WPIX-11 headquarters if it kept airing reruns of the suspended Two and a Half Men, sources said.”
Wait… when did Charlie Sheen move to the Bronx?
“A Staten Island Catholic high school has pulled prom privileges for one-quarter of the graduating class after the pranksters Facebooked a night of vandalizing and drinking on school property. The Moore Catholic HS students spent the night on the football field guzzling beer, overturning equipment and spray-painting the word ‘seniors’ – often misspelled – and images of male genitalia, parents said.”
Ah, Catholics.
According to page 11 (today on page 11), Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been getting a lot of deliveries at his new residence (“water, food and patio furniture”) but he isn’t sharing any of his $150,000 IMF severance package with any of the deliverymen.
“’They never tip,’ said a sweaty Danny Cotto after dropping off a box from Espresso Coffee at around 6 p.m.”
The article is accompanied by a photo of the guy who delivered water and another of someone who tried to deliver balloons but was turned away.
I have an idea. Who wants to go to 153 Franklin Street with me later this week? We can wear costumes or form a human pyramid or spell a word with our bodies or dance The Robot – whatever we do, there’s a 90% chance a photo of us will be in the following day’s Post.
Lockheed hack attack begins, “Hackers may have broken into the computer system at weapons maker Lockheed Martin. It wasn’t clear if any sensitive information was stolen, but the company has beefed up security in the wake of the incident, the Wall Street Journal reported.”
Let’s recap: One of Rupert Murdoch’s papers ran a piece about how Lockheed Martin might have been hacked, and then another one of his papers ran a piece about how the first paper ran their piece.
If you’d like to find out if Lockheed Martin was actually hacked (and if so, whether anything was stolen), find a newspaper that isn’t owned by Rupert Murdoch.
Gil-Scott Heron has died at the age of 62.
His funeral will not be televised.
(seriously, though, he was a true pioneer and will be missed)
Atul Shah, 49, and Mahaveer Kankariya, 45, were sentenced yesterday to 1 2/3 to 5 years in prison for staging a robbery at their jewelry store. They filed a $7,000,000 theft claim with their insurer, but the security-camera tape (that they thought they had erased by pouring drain cleaner on it) showed them “methodically emptying their large safe and carrying the contents into another office two hours before the heist.”
The fake robbers and the jewelry that went missing have never been recovered (the Post is unclear as to how much jewelry is still missing). Additionally, Kankariya tried to bribe the judge two months ago. So why are these guys getting such a relatively light sentence – “the lowest allowed by statute for felonies carrying a maximum of 15 years in prison”?
Maybe it’s because their attorney is… Ben Brafman?
Page 19 features a brief story about how rural Utah is experiencing “a pesky equine herpes outbreak” (as opposed to a pleasing equine herpes outbreak?), but that the Davis County Sheriff’s Mounted Posse Jr. Queen Contest (a “beauty-pageant riding contest”) was held anyway.
Here is the accompanying photo:
I don’t think you can call that a riding contest.
Or a beauty pageant.
Manhattan’s Stephen Wolosker writes in to say, “[Rich] Lowry’s piece on Republican nominee contenders seems to miss a few. Did he deliberately skip Sarah Palin and think we wouldn’t notice? To not mention her at all is a real slight. Lowry should shake up the box a little – it’s what America was founded upon.”
America was founded on shaking up the box a little?
I can see why Palin appeals to Stephen – they both have an equal (mis)understanding of American history, you betcha.
Here’s the fourth paragraph of Garrett Sloane’s Microsoft full-court press:
“Citi analyst Walter Pritchard wrote in a report yesterday that one manufacturer, HTC, pays Microsoft a $5 licensing fee for each Android phone it sells after the two settlement their patent dispute in”
This is a really terrible newspaper.
Today’s PULSE section recommends what couples can put in their picnic baskets before heading into some of the city’s parks. For example, if you’re going to Damrosch Park at Lincoln Center, they recommend going to Epicerie Boulud first and spending $77.05 (plus tax).
And if you’re going to the Prospect Park Bandshell, they recommend going to Christie’s Jamaican Patties, which is at least 20 minutes away from the venue (but significantly cheaper than Epicerie Boulud).
Former Chicago Bull Scottie Pippen told ESPN radio that “[Michael Jordan] is probably the greatest scorer to play the game,” but that LeBron James “may be the greatest player to ever play the game.”
True story: Scottie Pippen never tips at restaurants, despite ringing up enormous tabs. That’s how he earned the nickname “No-Tippin’ Pippen” from Chicago’s waitstaff community (I waited tables in Chicago for years, but never waited on Pippen. I do, however, know people who did and they confirmed the accuracy of the nickname).
Also, he’s a jealous and ungrateful prick for even suggesting that James is a better anything than Jordan (except maybe baseball player).
Also, this is his ugly face:
Jeff Conaway, 60, was found unconscious on May 11th. He was taken off life support yesterday.
I was going to make a snide remark, but I recently learned that he was in a movie that I watched 1,000 times as a child Pete’s Dragon.
I also have fond memories of watching Wizards and Warriors, though I couldn’t tell you why.
Rest in peace, Jeff. And say hi to Gil for me.
And that’s Saturday.
Today’s entry was written as a Word document, which I will now try and cut and paste here. In the past, this has resulted in weird spacing (among other minor nuisances). If this happens (again), I will do my best to fix it. But if I can’t, rather than rolling your eyes at the wonkiness, thank Black Gay Jesus that this blog remains free (despite the numerous offers I’ve gotten from Rupert Murdoch to put it behind a paywall).
OH! And before I start, can one of my readers in the UK tell me if this is brilliant satire or horrifying reality:
“I can talk the back legs off a donkey.”
Cops’ Rape Verdict
JUSTICE DEFILED
Outrage as jury clears 2 officers
Andrea Peyser’s heavily airbrushed byline photo appears under today’s front-page headline, next to a small box of text that begins, “It’s open season on dames. A jury yesterday decided it hated a drunken woman more than the rotten cop who admitted he groped her.” Not to mention admitting — on tape — that he used a condom when he had sex with her.
Her page 7 follow-up (It’s open season for predators in uniform) begins, “There is no justice for drunk women. A message to vulnerable ladies throughout New York City: Whatever you do, do not call the cops. It’s open season on dames. And the aggressor and tormentor of the weak and the needy might be the last person you’d expect. He’s the helpful, smiling – and purely evil – cop in a crisp uniform.”
Mandrea coming to the defense of a woman? Don’t worry – it’s the exception, not the rule. “’Not guilty!’ Forewoman Rita Moore didn’t recite the words so much as she sang them, triumphantly… ‘Not guilty!’ Moore cried, so happily, so many times I lost count… It gave her perverse pleasure to punish a woman the jurors so clearly despised… ‘Not guilty!’ she sang. Only when asked for the panel’s verdicts on misdemeanor charges of official misconduct did she say, reluctantly, ‘guilty.’ Three times for each cop. In a quieter voice.”
“The mother of Officer Mata… dabbed at her face with a tissue, then lunged for her BlackBerry to spread the news. Moreno’s mother issued a sphinx-like smile as the verdicts were read. She, too, grabbed a BlackBerry.”
Bonus points: Mandrea likes the phrase “It’s open season on dames” so much she uses it twice.
In the other two pages of follow-up (thankfully not written by Peyser), we learn that Kenneth Moreno and Franklin Mata “were fired yesterday and stripped of their comfy salaries and lucrative pension.” Yay!
“Moreno, 43, has earned more than $150,000 in the two years since he was first accused of raping a drunken fashion executive… Mata, 29 – a cop for just three years… made about $110,000 in the time since the pair’s December 2008 arrest.” Booooo.
And what did Moreno tell reporters after the verdicts were read? “I think [the alleged victim] made the whole thing up. To be honest, I think she made the whole thing up.” You think? You’re not certain? You have… reasonable doubt? I DEMAND A RETRIAL!
“I believe in my heart of hearts justice was served,” said Moreno’s heartless attorney, Joseph Tacopina.
I look forward to the pending civil suit against Moreno and Mata, which they are expected to lose (but then, they were expected to lose this trial, too).
Lindsay Lohan began living under house arrest yesterday. She was sentenced to four months of incarceration but word is that, if she behaves herself for as little two weeks, she might be sent where she is early.
Geoff Earle reports that Sarah Palin “is launching a campaign-style tour through the Northeast over the Memorial Day weekend – stoking more speculation that she could jump into the race for president.”
No, Geoff. You’re stoking more speculation. Palin has no interest in doing anything in politics; she’d much rather sit on her ass and criticize actual politicians. It’s easier and there’s no accountability. Besides, Fox pays her too much.
They also pay Geoff Earle too much.
S.A. Miller reports that “The National Science Foundation squandered more than $3 billion of taxpayer money on antics including Jell-O wrestling and skinny-dipping parties at its Antarctica research station, a new report revealed yesterday.”
1) The report was issued by Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Oklahoma), who once referred to global warming as “just a lot of crap.” Here are some others things he’s said that guarantee I’ll never set foot in Oklahoma:
- “The gay community has infiltrated the very centers of power in every area across this country, and they wield extreme power… That agenda is the greatest threat to our freedom that we face today. Why do you think we see the rationalization for abortion and multiple sexual partners? That’s a gay agenda.”
- He once said that NBC’s airing of Schindler’s List brought television “to an all-time low, with full-frontal nudity, violence and profanity… I cringe when I realize that there were children all across this nation watching this program.”
- “You know, I immediately thought about silicone breast implants and the legal wrangling and the class-action suits off that. And I thought I would just share with you what science says today about silicone breast implants. If you have them, you’re healthier than if you don’t. That is what the ultimate science shows…In fact, there’s no science that shows that silicone breast implants are detrimental and, in fact, they make you healthier.”
2) Miller doesn’t say how much was actually spent on Jell-O wrestling and skinny-dipping parties. Which makes that sentence kind of like me saying “The Republican National Committee squanders tens of millions of their donated dollars on staples and scotch tape, among other things.”
3) If I was stuck in Antarctica for years at a time, I’d probably want to occasionally unwind, too.
“Accused slimeball Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s lawyers said yesterday they’ve dug up dirt on the West African maid who accused him of a sex attack… ‘Were we intent on improperly feeding the media frenzy, we could now release substantial information that, in our view, would seriously undermine the quality of this prosecution, and also gravely undermine the credibility of the complainant [defense lawyers William Taylor and Ben Brafman] wrote [in a letter to Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance Jr.].’”
Where have I heard that before… (start at 1:24 and [try to] stick it out to the end)
Bonus points: Laura Italiano, Kevin Fasick and Bob Fredericks are all credited with writing BULL FROG DSK’S TEAM RAPS MAID, but none of them noticed the typo in this sentence: “’He’s a normal guy, but he has Freudian problems,’ Frenchman Philippe Saint Ramie, 59, said of compatriot.” Did you?
According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), “Lawyers for X-Men director Matthew Vaughn, husband of Claudia Schiffer, described an online story suggesting he had a relationship with the movie’s star, January Jones, and could be the father of her unborn child as an ‘absolute lie.’”
1) X-Men was directed by Bryan Singer in 2000; Vaughn is the director of X-Men: First Class.
2) I had no idea that Vaughn and Schiffer were married so I looked it up — they married in 2002. Huh.
3) Vaughn is not the father of Jones’ baby. Don Draper is.
4) I was going to say “Kevin Kline is,” but I doubted anyone would get the January Man reference.
“Legendary Swedish film director Ingmar Bergman was switched at birth, according to DNA test results released yesterday by his niece. The analysis showed that Bergman, who died in 2007, and his mother, Karin, were not biologically related. Bergman’s niece, Veronica Ralston, discusses how this may have come to be in her new book, The Love Child and the Changeling.”
Incidentally, I’ll be hosting another double feature of mediocre films from the early 1980s next week. If you’re interested in coming over to watch Love Child and The Changeling, let me know.
Cindy Adams is off today.
During a speech at Cooper Union yesterday, Mayor Bloomberg asked the Republican-led state Senate about their opposition to gay marriage. “Do you want to be remembered as a leader on civil rights? Or an obstructionist?”
Oooh! I know the answer to this one! Obstructionist!
What do I win?
Ratko Mladic, 69, has finally been arrested by Serbian special forces after 16 years in hiding. “Despite a $19 million reward – including $5 million offered by the United States – Mladic had managed to live an almost normal life underground, even visiting Belgrade to see soccer matches and watch horse races.”
And what was he Mladic wanted for? Well, in 1995, the United Nations “tried to create a safe haven in the Bosnian town of Srebrenica,” but then-General Mladic “marched his troops past Dutch peacekeepers and ordered what survivors called the massacre of 8,000 men and boys.” He was also (allegedly) responsible for “hundreds of men buried alive, men and women mutilated and slaughtered, children killed before their mothers’ eyes, a grandfather forced to eat the liver of his own grandson…”
He once boasted “The Hague will not see me alive.” Here’s hoping that The Hague will see him put to death.
Slowly.
“Google Wallet turns Android-powered smartphones into a mobile payment system.”
Great! I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
Besides this, I mean.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives three and a half stars to The Tree of Life (“a stunning exception to the rule that you can safely check your brain at the popcorn counter until after Labor Day”).
Kyle Smith gives three stars to both Spork (“has as much heart as Sixteen Candles”) and Hello Lonesome (“Few films celebrate ordinary, nice people – or are as wise about why basic kindness matters”), two and a half stars to Kung Fu Panda 2 (“I was pretty much starving [for laughs] pretty much all the way through. A lot of this movie is like an oxygen dumpling”), and zero stars to The Abduction of Zack Butterfield (“If Ed Wood had directed Silence of the Lambs, it might have been as unintentionally hilarious”).
V.A. Musetto gives three stars to the Japanese film United Red Army (violence), two stars to Puzzle (sexuality), and half a star to Tied to a Chair (violence).
B’also? If you were able to read snarkster Kyle Smith’s comment that “basic kindness matters” without laughing or wincing, I think you might be having a stroke.
The New York Yankees are 27-21 (.563) and the Boston Red Sox are 28-22 (.560), which means we’re still in first place! So what if it’s by .003%?
In other baseball news, San Francisco Giant Buster Posey “might be out for the season” after this (WARNING: graphic injury):
“Posey, who will need surgery, fractured a bone in his lower left leg and tore three ligaments in his ankle.” Damn.
In other other baseball news, “DUI and reckless driving charges in Atlanta were dismissed against Braves pitcher Derek Lowe because of lack of evidence.” In a related story, fans at Turner Field have started to notive a dramatic increase in the number of Atlanta police officers attending games.
The Miami Heat defeated the Chicago Bulls last night and have advanced to the NBA finals.
Which means that my almost-non-existent interest in basketball has now completely ceased to exist.
Better luck next year, Chicago.
And that, my friends, is Friday.
If you missed last week’s Let’s Have A Ball at the UCB, you missed a pretty amazing show. Zach Woods (The Office, In the Loop, The Other Guys) sat in and absolutely killed. He is expected to do so again this week (Saturday @ 7:30 p.m.) and reservations are still available.
I highly recommend that you cancel whatever plans you currently have and attend.
Have a great (Memorial Day!) weekend, ever’buddy.
Today’s cover story (CHEZ PERV: DSK’s $50,000 TriBeCa rental) assuages any concerns you might have had about where Dominique Strauss-Kahn would be living under house arrest now that he is no longer welcome at 71 Broadway. The answer, incidentally, is 153 Franklin Street.
.jpg "153 Franklin Street")
It’s $50,000/month, but that doesn’t including the cleaning service (or the money you’ll owe them after they sue you in civil court for raping them).
[AMERICAN IDOL SPOILER WARNING: The country singer won.]
Scotty McCreery, 17, has become the latest singer to win American Idol. After winning, he said, “I never in my wildest dreams… I have to thank the Lord first. He got me here.” Then he paused and continued, “But if that’s true, then he also destroyed the entire town of Joplin, Missouri. And he’s responsible for every war atrocity ever committed, every rape, every disease… I take back my thanks. God is a jerk.”
Runner-up Lauren Alaina, 16, was quoted as saying (and this one is 100% authentic [according to the Post]), “I knew Scotty was going to win. I knew it was going to tear my heart [out] and I accepted it. I couldn’t pick a more perfect person to get second place.”
I think she meant “a more perfect person to lose to,” but she might also mean that she doesn’t think she deserves to ever win anything.
[SPOILER WARNING: This is the last we will hear about Scotty and Lauren until they appear on VH1's Dr. Drew Presents Dr. Drew Jr.'s Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew's Son, Dr. Drew Jr.]
According to page 4’s Cig ban’s ifs, ands & many butts, the Parks Enforcement Patrol has been given a four-point procedure to follow in enforcing the new smoking ban:
“1) Make sure your audio recorder is activated.
2) If someone is smoking, ask them to put out the cigarette.
3) If they keep smoking, write a $50 ticket.
4) If they continue to smoke after that, write a $250 ticket for failing to comply with an officer.“
My only problem with this is step #4; if I get a $50 ticket for smoking, I should at least get to finish my cigarette.
Especially since cigarettes are rapidly approaching $50 a pack.
“[US District Judge Larry Burns] ruled yesterday that Jared Lee Loughner, the man accused of shooting Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-Ariz.) and 18 others in January, is not competent to stand trial.”
1) He isn’t accused of shooting them. He did shoot them.
2) This ruling is expected to delay his trial “by months or years.”
3) I believe in the right of everyone to get a fair trial, but here’s someone who killed people — and would have killed many more — and he faces the death penalty. We all know he’ll be found guilty. Why draw this out for years? Seriously. Let the families of his victims stone him to death. It’s what The Bible wants us to do.
The ASPCA has reviewed the charges of dog abuse leveled against Norberto Hernandez. People reported him after seeing his dog, Coffee, panhandling outside Citi Field.
The ASPCA has concluded that Hernandez is in no way abusing Coffee.
I disagree. No creature should ever be forced to become a New York Mets fan.
Painter John Perry is so angry about how he was portrayed in a New Yorker article by Tad Friend that he’s on a hunger strike until they run a retraction. He takes issue with the magazine “characterizing him as a stalker by claiming he went after [John] Lurie in a long campaign of calls and messages.”
So, every day, he travels from his home in Yorkville to SoHo’s Petrosino Square Park to sit for “at least eight hours” in protest — less than a block away from Lurie’s home.
New Yorker editor David Remnick replied, “The piece was thoroughly reported fact-checked, and is a fair representation of both sides of the story. We looked into [Perry's] complaints carefully and found nothing to correct or retract. As concerned as we are about his health, we can’t print something we don’t believe is true.”
John Lurie has said that the article, “had no regard for the truth or the damage it would cause to the lives of those involved.” I had a great punchline for this item, but Lurie beat me to it.
“He’s conducting a hunger strike a half block from my house to prove he’s not a stalker.”
I was about to comment on how the jur in the “Rape Cops” trial have been deliberating for six days without reaching a verdict, but I just saw on the news that they reached one today.
From the New York Times‘ Web site: “Two New York City police officers were found not guilty on Thursday of raping of a drunken woman who had been helped into her apartment by the officers while on patrol. The verdict provides some measure of vindication for the officers, Kenneth Moreno and Franklin Mata, and brings to an end a criminal case that drew outrage across the city when the officers were indicted in 2009. Still, the jury convicted both officers of official misconduct for entering the woman’s apartment, but found them not guilty of all other charges, including burglary and falsifying business records. The officers had both admitted to violating their duties on the night in question; Officer Moreno testified that he cuddled with the drunken woman in her bed while she wore nothing but a bra.”
Geoff Earle’s O Tea-hee in Parliament is the Post’s only coverage of Obama’s recent speech across the pond. It focuses solely on the on a joke he made about how the relationship between the US and England “got off on the wrong foot with a small scrape about tea and taxes” and that “there may also have been some hurt feelings when the White House was set on fire during the War of 1812″ but that “it’s been smooth sailing ever since.”
If you have the time (42:23), you might want to watch the whole thing. Obama gives good speech.
I especially liked “Unlike most countries in the world, we do not define citizenship based on race or ethnicity. Being American or British is not about belonging to a certain group; it’s about believing in a certain set of ideals – the rights of individuals, the rule of law. That is why we hold incredible diversity within our borders. That is why there are people around the world right now who believe that if they come to America, if they come to New York, if they come to London, if they work hard, they can pledge allegiance to our flag, and call themselves American. If they come to England to make a new life for themselves, they can sing God Save the Queen just like any other citizen. Yes, our diversity can lead to tension. Throughout history, there have been heated debates about immigration and assimilation in both our countries. But even as these debates can be difficult, we fundamentally recognize that our patchwork heritage is an enormous strength – that in a world which will only grow smaller and more interconnected, the example of our two nations says it is possible for people to be united by their ideals, instead of divided by their differences; it is possible for hearts to change, and old hatreds to pass; that it’s possible for the sons and daughters of former colonies to sit here as members of this great Parliament, and for the grandson of a Kenyan who served as a cook in the British Army to stand before you as President of the United States.”
Andrea Peyser doesn’t think Bloomberg’s new smoking ban goes far enough. “[Smokers] will just make breathing more toxic by cramming into ever-smaller spaces… Here’s a solution. Move puffers to China. Most people haven’t quit there. Yet.”
She also spews bile at Fred Wilpon, ESPN and the entire nation of France.
At no point does she defend her husband from the charges of child molestation that her husband may or may not face.
According to Page Six (today on pages 14, 15 and 16), New Jersey Net Kris Humphries proposed to Kim Kardashian by giving her a $2,000,000 ring. She said yes.
I look forward to the incredibly degrading sex tape.
Cindy Adams reports that Chuck Lorre was “seen watching surfer videos at some West Coast hasheteria. Not imbibing. Not looking unhappy.” I Googled “hasheteria” and the first five listings are for the “Angel Society of Merakesh” (whatever that is). Cindy’s use of the word today is the sixth listing. Her use of the word on August 10, 2007 (“The Modern, Danny Meyer’s MoMA hasheteria”) is the seventh listing. Her use of the word on March 31, 2008 (“Fellow darted into a hasheteria on W. 57th. He needed quarters to put in the parking meter. Then he went to a nearby restaurant to eat.”) is the eighth listing.
What is a hasheteria? Is that Cindy’s witty word for “restaurant”? Is that what they called restaurants when Cindy was a child? Had restaurants even been invented when Cindy was a child?
The good news is she’s taking the next four days off. The bad news is, unless she finally dies, she’ll be back on Tuesday.
Only in this horrible newspaper, kiddies. Only in this horrible newspaper.
Pete Hammond calls Kung Fu Panda 2 “★★★★ A 3D EVENT.”
Tiki Barber left his eight-months-pregnant-with-twins wife, Ginny, to be with his (much, much younger) girlfriend. People still haven’t fully forgiven him for that — and the new issue of Sports Illustrated won’t speed up that process.
He told writer L. Jon Wertheim that he and his 23-year-old girlfriend moved into Mark Lepselter’s attic to avoid the scrutiny of the media (Lepsetler is Tiki’s agent).
“Lep’s Jewish and it was like a reverse Anne Frank thing.”
Actually, a reverse Anne Frank thing would be Nazis hiding in basements and, once caught by Jews, given candy.
Good luck with that comeback, Tiki.
Last Friday, I wrote, “George A. King III writes that Mariano Rivera ‘needed one more appearance for 1,000 in his stellar career going into last night’s action.’ Which seems like an odd way to say that last night marked Rivera’s 1,000th appearance.”
Today, Fred Kerber writes, “Mariano Rivera forged another entry in an already legendary, Hall of Fame career for the Yankees. He appeared in his 1,000th game, becoming the first pitcher ever to do it with the same team, [and] only the 15th in history just to reach that fabled mark.”
So… I guess last night was his 1,000th appearance.
Congratulations, Mo.
“Gordon Ramsay’s father-in-law [Chris Hutcheson], who is battling the foul-mouthed chef for control of his restaurant empire, has been living a secret, double life with a second family and two children his family never knew about, according to reports… The secret life came out only after Ramsay began having his father-in-law tailed by private detectives to gather evidence in a business dispute.”
Look for Fox’s new show, Gordon Ramsay’s Family Room Nightmares, this fall.
The (holiday!) weekend approaches! Huzzah!
A photo of Mets’ owner Fred Wilpon is on today’s cover (FRED FACED!: Wilpon apologizes to Met stars) with his face painted red (get it? Fred Faced?). And why is he apologizing? For this.
Some highlights from the article: He called the Mets a “shitty team,” he called David Wright “a very good player, [but] not a superstar,” and he insulted Jose Reyes and Carlos Beltran.
On page 62, Mike Vaccaro chastises Wilpon for not apologizing to the Mets’ fans. On page 60, Mike Puma’s piece on last night’s Mets-Cubs game is titled FRED WAS RIGHT!: Mets stink up Wrigley; Bay injured in blowout.
I wonder if tomorrow the Post will demand that Puma apologize to the Mets’ fans.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a speech yesterday before Congress.
“Now, this is not easy for me. It’s not easy because I recognize that in a genuine peace we will be required to give up parts of the ancestral Jewish homeland.”
I look forward to folks like Mitt Romney accusing Netanyahu of throwing Israel under the bus (as he recently did to Obama).
Thanks, Jack Davis and the Tea Party! Without you, Kathy Hochul probably wouldn’t have been able to defeat Jane Corwin in yesterday’s special election (to replace Republican Chris Lee, who stepped down after being caught using Craigslist to set up extramarital affairs).
Hochul got 47% of the vote, Corwin got 43% and Davis got 9%.
And why would one of New York’s most conservative districts elect a Democrat?
The Dominique Strauss-Kahn update on page 7 focuses less on DSK than usual. ‘We’re above material things… even if you’re a billionaire’ is the reply that DSK’s (alleged) victim’s older brother (Mamoudou) provided to yesterday’s piece on his family’s impending payoff. He says that “even if you are a billionaire, we don’t care. The most important thing for [his family] is how you follow God’s path.”
Look at that. A 50-ish guy in Guinea with no shoes has more of a moral compass than the guy in charge of the International Monetary Fund.
This is an aerial view of (what’s left of) Joplin, Missouri.
The death toll has risen to 123 (with at least another 750 injured).
A lot of people could really use some help right about now. And the House of Representatives has approved $1 billion in aid… but the GOP is holding it hostage.
Just as Jesus would have wanted.
I have read the first two sentences of Cindy Adams’ column (Some ‘hang’ until it’s ‘over’) over and over and I have no idea what she’s trying to say.
“Besides producing Ahnold the Barbarian, Hollywood also made the highest-grossing R-rated comedy ever, The Hangover. Comes now Part II.” Is she saying that Hollywood is responsible for Schwarzenegger’s adultery? For Conan the Barbarian? For electing him governor?
Bonus points: Cindy tells us that Gabourey Sidibe (Precious) was at the premiere of The Hangover Part II on Monday night and “inhaled buckets of popcorn.”
“Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is reportedly set to be indicted by feds for allegedly using campaign donations to cover-up [sic] an extramarital affair.”
Good.
Incidentally, Tim Perone? The noun is hyphenated, but the verb is not.
According to Weird BUT true, “A Toronto couple doesn’t know if their 4-month-old is a girl or a boy. They’re waiting for the kid to tell them. The child, Storm, has all the normal equipment for one sex or the other. But parents Kathy Witterick and David Stocker say they’re keeping the baby ‘genderless’ until he or she decides what to be. Other people who know are sworn to secrecy.”
So, everyone who just read that, don’t let anyone else know that Kathy Witterick and David Stocker’s 4-month-old, Storm, has a penis and a vagina. Consider yourselves sworn to secrecy.
Here’s a Japanese commercial for Necomimi, which are… um… cat ears that read your mind.
I predict that Necomimi will become the new kaidangku!
Over on page 24, we learn that three of the reactors at Fukushima Daiichi have “suffered partial meltdowns.” Four sentences are devoted to the article (Japan’s 3 meltdowns).
This is a terrible newspaper.
Earlier today (in the Tuesday 5/24/11 entry), I spoke of what happened to Elizabeth Warren yesterday.
There’s a piece on page 33 of today’s paper that covers this story. But it’s the Post, so the title is Warren accused of lying. Here is the article in its entirety:
“Testimony by White House consumer adviser Elizabeth Warren before a House subcommittee broke down into acrimony when the panel’s Republican chairman accused her of lying about the terms of her appearance. Warren testified yesterday before a House of Representatives Oversight and Government Reform panel about her efforts to set up the new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, an agency Republicans and Wall Street do not like and want to gut. The hearing focused on disputes over the scope of the agency’s power, but her appearance ended in heated wrangling over how long she would testify. About an hour into the hearing Republicans sought to temporarily adjourn for votes. Warren objected to sticking around for more questions, saying her afternoon was packed with meetings and that the committee had agreed she would only stay an hour.”
The piece is attributed to Reuters (when the GOP does something indefensible, the Post usually lets the Associated Press or Reuters [briefly] cover the story).
Things that didn’t make the cut in the Post’s piece: The name of the person who accused Warren of lying (Patrick McHenry of North Carolina); the fact that Warren wasn’t lying; or that McHenry went on to complain about Warren’s “blatant sense of entitlement” (because she expected him to honor his promise).
Fair, balanced.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives two stars to The Hangover II (“I found this more elaborate, play-it-safe sequel far less fresh or funny”).
V.A. Musetto gives three stars to Tuesday, After Christmas (nudity, mature themes).
If Justin Terranova’s Lenny ‘rescues’ Doc on page 48 looks familiar, it’s probably because it is a word-for-word reproduction of Justin Terranova’s Gooden ‘Rehab’ jailbreak on page 5.
Is the fact that Lenny Dykstra might make a cameo appearance on the new season VH1’s Celebrity Rehab (he visited Dwight Gooden) really worth a single article, let alone two?
Make sure they pay you twice, Justin!
And that’s today! I’m all caught up! Happy Hump Day!
Elizabeth Warren spent a healthy chunk of time on Tuesday being slandered by Republicans. Here’s a link to a decent recap. It includes this video clip of Patrick McHenry (R-NC) being sleazy…
…plus the follow-up:
“[Elijah] Cummings noted the time changes in the hearing, and a CFPB source later confirmed to Huffington Post that there had been a specific agreement.
McHenry later felt no apology was warranted, and slammed Warren in a statement, saying she had refused to answer all questions because two members had not had a chance with her.
‘Committee staff worked diligently to accommodate Ms. Warren’s schedule,’ McHenry said.
‘I was shocked by Ms. Warren’s blatant sense of entitlement,’ he added. ‘She was apparently under the assumption that she could dictate a one-hour time limit for her testimony to Congress and that we were there at her behest instead of the other way around. This is just further example of her disregard for congressional oversight.’”
So very classy.
But enough about actual news. Let’s look at the Post.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn is back on the cover (GOT IT MAID: Bid to pay off DSK accuser’s kin) because his friends have (allegedly) “reached out to his accuser’s extended family in a remote African village for a pay-off to keep her quiet.” In the EXCLUSIVE follow-up on page 5, “a French businesswoman with close ties to [DSK] and his family” claims, “They already talked with her family. For sure, it’s going to end up on a quiet note… He’ll get out of it and will fly back to France. He won’t spend time in jail. The woman will get a lot of money.”
The piece (by Oron Dan, Laura Italiano and Bob Fredericks) goes on to say that DSK “remains under house arrest in a pricey lower Manhattan pad secured by his billionaire wife, Anne Sinclair.” Eight paragraphs later we’re told, “Meanwhile, [DSK] faces a deadline this morning to vacate the apartment at 71 Broadway where he’s been under house arrest since he was sprung from Rikers [Island] on Friday.”
Other interesting tidbits in the article: Members of the (alleged) victim’s family can’t afford shoes and the average monthly income for Guineans (Guineas?) is $45; the (alleged victim) managed to push DSK into an armoire and left him with “a gash on his back”; and the semen sample found on the maid’s shirt was given a DNA test and is a definite match with the DNA of DSK.
Harold Camping insists that the Rapture did happen on May 21st — but it was “invisible.”
The Apocalypse is still scheduled for October 21st.
So you should totally write me a check for everything you have before then.
This might just be my favorite story of the year.
Maxine Shen’s HUBBY’S OPRAH HOAX: Tickets-lie coverup begins, “Here’s a guy who lied to his wife about having tickets to Oprah’s farewell show — then faked his own mugging to cover up the false promise. Now he’s facing jail time for filing a false report — and who knows what kind of trouble he’s got at home. Robert Spearing, 44, of Ontario, Canada, drove his wife to Chicago last week with a promise that they would see the taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show finale — a four-hour, star-studded “Farewell Spectacular” that was taped Tuesday night. But just before showtime, Spearing — bleeding from the forehead and his hands badly scraped — filed a report with cops claiming he had been mugged and the tickets stolen. He said two men — one African-American, one Hispanic — had attacked him on the street. Police searched for the assailants, but after cops questioned him again, he allegedly admitted it was all a fabrication. He inflicted the wounds himself, cutting his own forehead with a rock and scraping his hands on the pavement.”
“Spearing was charged with disorderly conduct and filing a false police report, both felonies.”
“And you’re getting a divorce, and you’re getting a divorce, and you’re getting a divorce…”
Mayor Bloomberg’s new smoking ban went into effect yesterday. There is now no smoking “in or on the city’s 1,700 parks, pedestrian plazas, marinas, municipal pools, boardwalks and 14 miles of public beaches.”
If you smoke in any of these places, you could get a $50 ticket.
And cancer.
The tornado in Joplin, Missouri has claimed 116 lives (though the death toll is expected to “rise dramatically”), so the story has been promoted to pages 9, 10 and 11. I was going to post photos, but they’re really depressing. So here’s a photo of a baby monkey in a onesie with a donkey on it instead.
Bonus Points: “The Joplin twister was one of 68 that battered the Midwest over the weekend, including one that left a person dead in Minneapolis.” What global warming?
Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13) reports that two of the cast members of VH1’s Mob Wives got into a fight during the season finale that was violent and bloody that it might not be broadcast.
“The network has yet to determine whether we will air this footage,” said a VH1 rep who was lying.
Cindy Adams reports that Naomi Watts is slated to star in a remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.
Meh. I doubt it will be as good as 1994’s made-for-TV classic.
It is one of Alan Smithee’s finest films (if not the best).
“The US Supreme Court yesterday ordered California to ease overcrowding in its prisons, long plagued by inadequate medical and mental-health care — even if it means releasing tens of thousands of inmates.”
The state has 33 adult prisons with a total capacity of 80,000. Currently, there are 145,000 inmates.
That’s a lot of criminals to release. Maybe there’s a better answer…hmmm… wait! I’ve got it!
“More than a quarter of trains on the 2, 3, 4 and 5 lines ran late [in March 2011], according to MTA figures released yesterday — and every numbered line in the system showed on-time declines from March 2010.”
Well, at least it’s considerably more expensive than it was a year ago.
I hate the MTA.
Betsy McCaughey’s Who Ended ‘Medicare As We Know It’? explains that Obama and the Democrats have already “eviscerated Medicare” and Paul Ryan’s “vision would undo much of the damage.”
Rather than explain why she’s lying, let’s all laugh at her (again):
Crude oil dropped from $100.10 to $97.70/barrel yesterday.
Joakim Noah (of the Chicago Bulls) was fined $50,000 for yelling at a fan, “fuck you, faggot” at Game 3 of the Eastern Conference finals.
You may remeber Kobe Bryant was caught saying “fucking faggot” last month.
Bryant was fined $100,000. Why was Noah only fined $50,000?
Because Bryant was calling an NBA official a faggot.
That’s so gay.
The New York Yankees (25-21, .543) remain ahead of the Tampa Bay Rays (26-22, .542) in the AL East.
We’re number 1 (by .001)! We’re number 1 (by .001)! We’re number 1 (by .001)!
Michael Starr reports that “Donald Trump is having second thoughts about backing out of a possible GOP presidential run — and says he might flip-flop on his earlier decision. ‘I look at the field and it’s such an important election,’ Trump told the Post yesterday… He was then asked if he might reconsider entering the race. ‘All I can say is, crazier thangs have happened.’”
I am reminded of the first part of The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror VI (“Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores”), where Paul Anka sings the song about how ignoring the gigantic advertising mascots will rob them of their power and make them go away. For some reason, every time I see a story about Trump, I can hear the chorus on a loop in my head.
“Just don’t look, just don’t look! Just don’t look, just don’t look! Just don’t look, just don’t look!”
And that’s Tuesday.
Remember Joseph Brooks, 73?
He’s the Oscar-winning composer who was arrested for (allegedly) raping and/or molesting 13 women over the years. Well, he killed himself. He is survived by a son, Nicholas, who is currently on trial for murder.
Is it just me or does did he look a lot like James O’Keefe?
Bonus Points: In the article (END OF HIS GROPE by Jamie Schram, Larry Celona and Lachlan Cartwright), Brooks’ name changes to Brook twice: “One of Brook’s friends was supposed to have lunch with him yesterday…” and “The friend found Brook’s door unlocked and discovered Brooks’ limp, fully clothed body sprawled on the den couch.” I bet those typos would have been noticed of they had a fourth person helping them.
Don Kaplan’s That’s why it’s the F! line informs me that “The MTA has closed Brooklyn’s Smith and 9th Street station until March 2012.”
Oh goody. Of course, this would be less of an issue if the B61 still went down Smith Street (instead on driving through Red Hook). But it doesn’t.
“Shuttle buses will connect commuters with nearby stations, including 4th Avenue-9th Street and Carroll Street, and the MTA has pledged increased service on the B61 bus.“
Wait… really? That’s actually good news! We use the B61 all the time and the service is awful! But if the MTA is promising to increase its service, then… I will assume it’s a lie because they are the MTA.
Today’s update on the NYPD ticket-fixing investigation begins, “The Bronx deputy inspector in charge of the NYPD’s internal-affairs ticket-fixing probe [Internal Affairs Bureau Deputy Inspector John McDermott] has been ensnared in the scandal himself — after allegedly having a highway cop fix a speeding ticket for an apparent relative.”
It concludes by saying the scandal “could lead to criminal charges for dozens of NYPD cops and departmental sanctions for as many as 400 other officers.”
For the first time in what seems like forever, Dominique Strauss-Kahn isn’t mentioned until page 4. And what is today’s update?
“‘It seems obvious that, in the hypothesis that DSK is convicted, he should serve his sentence in France,’ said Claude Guéant, the French interior minister and President Nicolas Sarkozy’s top adviser.”
If by “obvious” he means “illogically repugnant” then I totally agree.
B’also? Mr. and Mrs. DSK have until tomorrow morning to find a new place to live.
Almost immediately after he and his wife (Katy Perry) landed in Japan, Russell Brand was deported. Perry told reporters, “It was for priors from over 10 years ago!”
Either that or Japanese officials have seen Arthur.
Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13) features the following photo of Lindsay Lohan at a photo shoot:
No pixelation, no black bar, no shame.
This weekend’s box office was dominated by Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides ($90,100,000 — plus $256,300,000 overseas, making it the biggest international movie opening of all time), followed by Bridesmaids ($21,100,000), Thor ($15,500,000), Fast Five ($10,600,000) and Rio ($4,700,000).
“Yesterday, actress Jane Seymour claimed [Arnold] Schwarzenegger has more out-of-wedlock kids he’s kept secret from the world. ‘I heard about two more children,’ the actress told Britain’s Daily Mail.”
Really, Jane? Because I heard he has a total of 94 out-of-wedlock children.
(If you got that The Boys From Brazil reference, give yourself 10 points)
Cindy Adams asks, “Anyone think Dominique Strauss-Kahn-he or kahn’t-he should change his name’s spelling to Dominique Strauss-Con?”
HAHAHAHAHAHA die.
At least 30 people were killed in Joplin, Missouri by a tornado. That story is on page 17.
Charles Gasparino is a “Fox Business Network senior correspondent.” He is also the author of More Useless Gov’t: New fed agency won’t solve anything, which tries (and fails) to explain why the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau is worthless and based on falsehoods.
“This is a major expansion of government — a separate branch of the Federal Reserve with immense powers to regulate ‘all consumer products.’ The excuse for it is bogus — a simplistic and false narrative on how the financial crisis began (nothing more than evil bankers pushing risky loans on unsuspecting consumers).”
Fun Fact: Gasparino once told the Washington Post that “[his] job was to rip the lungs out of the competition of Fox Business Network.” Fair, balanced.
I was wrong! The Yankees are still in first place in the AL East (by .003)!
USA! USA! USA!
And that’s Monday.
Of today’s four different cover stories, WORLD ENDS!: Heaven looks exactly like New York City is my favorite (although MOST COUPONS OF ANY NY PAPER: $154 OF SAVINGS INSIDE is a close second). But most of the cover belongs to the latest EXCLUSIVE update in the saga of Dominique Strauss-Kahn: BOOTY GAUL (see what they did there?).
Here are the interesting things I learned about DSK in today’s paper: He hit on the VIP receptionist at the Sofitel as she initially escorted him to his room and (the next day) told the desk receptionist who had checked him in that she was “an attractive woman who caught his eye”; he (allegedly) asked both women to join him for some champagne and they both declined (and later described his advances as “inappropriate”); minutes before being removed from his Air France flight and arrested, he (allegedly) shouted at a stewardess, “Quel beau cui!” (translation: “What a nice ass!”); and Mr. and Mrs. DSK have until Tuesday to move out of their new place at 71 Broadway (they aren’t welcome there, either).
Page 3’s WHAT THE HELL?!?: Doomsayer gripes: ‘Not my mistake’ features a photo of Robert Fitzpatrick being laughed at in Times Square yesterday:
“‘I don’t understand why nothing is happening,’ said Fitzpatrick, flipping through the Bible for clues to why Rapture failed to show up on time. ‘It’s not a mistake. I did what I had to do. I did what the Bible said,’ he said, looking increasingly disheveled and confused as he stood in Times Square before mocking crowds.”
$140,000 well spent.
“The nonprofit foundation running the $508 million [National September 11th Memorial and Museum] is expecting millions of visitors from across the globe to flock to lower Manhattan when it opens this year on the 10th anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks. But there won’t be a single toilet available on the eight-acre green plaza — a planning oversight now raising concerns in closed-door meetings.”
$508,000,000 well spent.
On page 23, Steve Cuozzo lists some of the panhandlers who populate the New York City subway system, including “the guitar trio who push their way into packed cars and inflict a mangled Mexican tunes on exhausted passengers.”
At first I thought the typo was the “a,” but then I remembered that Cuozzo is Italian. So maybe the typo is the missing hyphen (“inflict-a mangled Mexican tunes”).
In today’s POSTSCRIPT, there’s a photo of Sarah Palin with the quote “I have that fire in my belly” (regarding whether or not she’ll run for president).
So either she wants to run (which she absolutely won’t and you’re an idiot if you think differently) or she’s pregnant again.
I did not make a joke about the maybe-baby being retarded or a promiscuous idiot. You’re welcome.
Kyle Smith is given all of pages 28 and 29 for THE CUTTING EDGE: In 2010, Republicans won because voters worried about spending. But an upstate election shows they may punish politicians who do anything about it.
Not “anything,” Kyle. This thing.
Bonus Points: The photograph of the underdog speaking with smiling senior citizens is captioned:
THE DEMOCRAT Kathy Hochul tells elderly voters that Republicans are after Medicare.
Which they are, Kyle.
Putz.
Page 31 has a list of some of the Post’s favorite Larry King non sequiturs. Here are my three favorites:
• “If I had to compare myself to a ballplayer… I’d identify myself with New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter.”
• “Why do people close their eyes when they sneeze? Do we still make razor blades in America?”
• “I never met Elvis. Never met him in concert. But there are at least three times I wish I could have been around him.”
ASK ASHLEY!
Like many women, I have some trouble having an orgasm with a partner. My boyfriend knows my wants and likes, so it usually goes gangbusters, but sometimes it doesn’t. I masturbate and enjoy the guaranteed thrill of climax (and the well-deserved nap that follows), so much so that I consider masturbation my own private time. My boyfriend, on the other hand, insists on joining whenever he suspects I might sneak a session in. How do I let him know I’d rather just do my own thing? — Tracy, Union Square
ASHLEY: “I’m not sure what ‘gangbusters’ means, but according to Google it’s ‘successful,’ so I’m going to go with that.”
ME: “When you say ‘insists on joining,’ do you mean help you masturbate? Masturbate himself next to you? Turn your masturbation into intercourse? Whatever your answer, I knew what ‘gangbusters’ meant before the hooker looked it up.
While we were dating, my ex said some awful things about his then-ex. Whether the stuff he said is true, the way he devalued her was one of the main reasons I left him. I recently heard they’re back together — despite the nasty opinions he supposedly held. I’m going to see them at a mutual friend’s party. Do I have an obligation, woman-to-woman, to let this gal know how crappy he was to her behind her back? — G.L., Midtown
ASHLEY: “People who have such a strong negative opinion about someone usually have some sort of underlying layer of their own insecurities that they’re not addressing… you have every right to speak to her — not so much to warn her, but to get some closure for yourself… Just approach her casually and state your case. Say something like, ‘Listen, I have some questions for my own peace of mind and my intentions are coming from a good place. I just need some clarity.’”
ME: “Mind your own business.”
On page 50, there’s a photo of The Monkees (sans Mike Nesmith) in Manchester, England (they were there to perform) and an inset of them in their heyday.
Wait a minute…
That isn’t Davy Jones, Micky Dolenz and Peter Tork! Those are the people who played them in the TV movie Daydream Believers: The Monkees’ Story!
This is an incredibly terrible newspaper.
The Yankees have retaken first place in the AL East!
I bet they’ll hold on to that title for more than a day!
[SPOILER: They don't.]
And that’s Sunday.
G’night!
ABOUT
I read the New York Post so you don't have to.
RECENT POSTS
RECENT COMMENTS
- jed on This Would Make A Great Movie.
- No face on This Would Make A Great Movie.
- ScottF on More Required Reading.
- jed on More Required Reading.
- Miss Mason on More Required Reading.
Clicky here…
This month’s stats
3,570 | Unique Visitors |
Archives
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009