Dailies

Demi Moore has decided to end her marriage to Ashton Kutcher after just six years. Everyone pretend to care and/or be surprised.

But that story only gets one page of follow-up. The real front-page story is on the bottom third of the cover — Occupy Wall Street “selfishly made life miserable yesterday for the working stiffs whose jobs they claim to be protecting.”

“But the demonstrations — part of the movement’s ‘Day of Action’ — ultimately failed to accomplish their goals of crippling the New York Stock Exchange and shutting down subway lines and the Brooklyn Bridge.” And those were their goals according to… who (besides this awful paper)?

“Even top NYPD brass weren’t afraid of mixing it up with the masses. NYPD Chief of Department Joseph Esposito, the city’s highest-ranking uniformed officer, went face to face with protesters near the Stock Exchange. At one point, Esposito held a demonstrator by the throat while he exchanged heated words with another.” I wish the Post provided a photo of this. Preferably one featuring Esposito’s boner.

“Rep. Michael Grimm has had it up to here with grime. ‘Buy a bar of soap, and head home,’ the freshman Republican from Staten Island snapped at the Occupy Wall Street crowd. He called the protesters a bunch of ‘lowlifes.’” Will Staten Island allow this putz to become a sophomore representative? Probably. Because they’re all a bunch of lowlifes.

(And if anyone from Staten Island takes offense at that, they should equally take offense to the man that represents them referring to the OWS protesters using the same derogatory term. They should, but they probably won’t. Because they’re a bunch of lowlifes.)

But my favorite piece is Hannah Rappleye, Ikimulisa Livingston and Jeane MacIntosh’s Ready riot cops whack back at OWS hooligans on page 8. It begins, “It was a blur of batons, beatings and blood.” I want to say that that’s the most offensive thing I’ve ever read in the Post but, sadly, it isn’t even close.

“‘I saw somebody kick the [barricade] — and all of a sudden, the police kicked in and cracked his head,’ a protester named Tim, 20, said after witnessing a Zuccotti Park confrontation that left a comrade bleeding profusely before he was hauled off to a police van. ‘They were stepping on his face… They were hitting with batons. They bum-rushed him and slammed his head down,’ said the bystander. ‘One put his foot on the guy’s head.’”

His name is Brandon Watts. He was the first person to set up a tent (besides the medical tent) in Zuccotti Park. He is accused of grabbing the hat off of a police officer’s head.

(waves miniature American flag)

John Podhoretz’s Rally is really a tantrum by decry babies is a smarmy, condescending dismissal of everything about OWS. “Wall Street is no longer the issue, if it ever was. The protest remains a series of vague bleats against student debt and income inequality… Occupy Wall Street has come to play a role in this city not unlike the role an emotionally explosive child plays in a caring and concerned home.” I’m not sure who the caring and concerned home is in this metaphor. Is it New York City? America? Zuccotti Park? Capitalism?

“It is not purposeful. It is raw negative emotion. It is about itself. It accomplishes nothing. It is collective narcissism at its most unattractive. Just like Occupy Wall Street yesterday. Just like Occupy Wall Street for the past two months.” You could apply the first five sentences here to almost everything Podhoretz writes.

Geoff Earle’s Obama’s Asian sales trip is only six paragraphs long. Why so short? Because it discusses the “$25 billion worth of deals between US companies and Asian buyers” and how “the deals could support 127,000 jobs, with the Boeing deal alone producing 110,000 jobs in 43 states.”

Much more ink is devoted to Singer’s ‘bimbo’ limbo: Suit: Mgr. called me slutty! It tells the story of Annet Artani, a singer I have never heard of (and will never hear of again).

Remember when I told you you’d hear more about how Lord Tim Bell hates The Iron Lady (which he hasn’t seen) because “its only value is to make some money for [Meryl Streep]“? Well, Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15) reports that Streep “cut her fee on the film to $1 million and donated the proceeds to charity.”

Oops.

In today’s column, Thou can steal a bit, Cindy Adams would like you to make her feel better about her lack of scruples.

“Ever grab a newspaper and, lacking the correct change when the seller’s busy and it’s raining and you’re late and the train’s leaving, just cop a copy without plopping down the required amount? No?? Never???”

Cindy, there’s almost no way to justify buying the New York Post. Don’t try to justify stealing it.

The death of Natalie Wood is being looked at again by Los Angeles police. They say they have “new information.”

This should make the 28th anniversary edition of the Brainstorm DVD sell like hotcakes!

“A longtime assistant coach [Bernie Fine] of Syracuse University’s famed basketball program is under investigation for alleging [sic] sexually abusing a ball boy, police said yesterday.”

His defense? He just assumed that’s what ball boys were there for.

James Panero’s A Boring Blasphemy: B’klyn Museum’s shock schlock begins, “Why wait for Black Friday to begin the tedious ‘War on Christmas’? The Brooklyn Museum has already begun the annual attack on Christian sensibilities in the name of free speech with its ‘controversial’ exhibition, ‘Hide/Seek: Difference and Desire in American Portraiture.’”

Even the people who make up the War on Christmas find it tedious! Bonus Points: James includes a full-color photo from the “controversial” piece (even he can’t call it that without putting it in quotes) — of ants crawling on a crucified Jesus Christ.

Why do you hate Christianity so much, James?

The editorial Loud, But Lame is a retread of John Podhoretz’s immature poo-pooing of yesterday protests.

“As apocalyptic acts of public protests go, yesterday’s Occupy Wall Street act-out was a bit of a piffle… There was an effort to disrupt subway service. Didn’t happen. And there were to be acts of ‘massive’ civil disobedience at Foley Square and the Brooklyn Bridge. Didn’t happen, either.”

1) There was no effort to disrupt subway service.

2) There were tens of thousands of people both at Foley Square and on the Brooklyn Bridge.

3) Only homosexual Europeans use the word “piffle.”

“There were nowhere near the ‘tens of thousands’ of demonstrators who were supposed to fan out across the five boroughs and convulse New York.” Yes, there were.

“Bottom line, though: It seems that Occupy Wall Street has passed its sell-by date — and even the Occupiers know it.” You’ve been saying that for over a month. You continue to be wrong.

Bill O’Reilly’s Media Remain Obama’s Ace is hilarious.

“So far in 2011, morning network correspondents have labeled Republican candidates as conservative 49 times. They’ve referred to Obama as a liberal only once.”

And how many times have those Republican candidates referred to themselves as conservatives? Hundreds? Thousands?

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Sara Stewart gives two stars to The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1 (“everything’s all soap-operatic close-ups and weirdly political hand-wringing”).

Kyle Smith gives one star to Another Happy Day (“So the title is ironic. Thanks for that profound insight.”), one and a half stars to both Happy Feet Two (“It would be exaggerating only slightly to say this film stinks on ice.”) and Tyrannosaur (“sorry British art-house exploitation”), and two and a half stars to Garbo: The Spy (“fascinating”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to The Heir Apparent: Largo Winch (violence, sex, nudity) and three stars to both In Heaven, Underground (preoccupation with death) and King of Devil’s Island (male nudity, violence).

Lou Lumenick gives two and a half stars to The Lie (“interesting low-budget adaptation of a T.C. Boyle short story”) and two stars to Rid of Me (“mumblecore-ish, horror-tinged romantic drama”).

Paul Schwartz wrote a full-page article about how the New York Giants’ Justin Tuck is underperforming. I will now give you ten seconds to come up with Paul’s headline.

Eight seconds left.

Five seconds left.

Two more seconds.

Pencils down.

The correct answer is… JUSTIN ‘SUCK’

But you all guessed that, right?

Linda 3Starsi reviews the PBS documentary American Masters: Woody Allen (or, as she calls it, Woody Allen: American Masters). She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s… last Friday.

I’m really going to have to re-think how I write this blog.

Happy Saturday!

Maggie Gallagher has a special Thanksgiving message for you.

Those are actually her words, that is actually her hair.

Getting over a bad cold and spending a quiet day with my wonderful wife, who I am eternally grateful for.

Happy Thanksgiving, ya turkeys!

Ricky Gervais is hosting the Golden Globes again in January.

If you watch only one meaningless awards ceremony in 2012, make it this one.

Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

“The Republican-led House yesterday passed a bill that would allow Americans with permits to carry concealed weapons in their home states to also pack heat across state lines. The bill, which is doomed in the Senate, allow permit holders to tote firearms in the 49 states that also issue permits to their residents.”

Jobs! Jobs! (Bills that we know are wastes of time and have absolutely nothing to do with) Jobs!

“The Occupy Wall Streeters are about to create chaos for 99 percent of the city.” Exaggeration and hyperbole are so much fun!

“Tens of thousands of protesters — fresh off their eviction from Zuccotti Park — are expected to kick off the day of chaos around 7 a.m.” There were tens of thousands of protesters evicted from Zuccotti Park? Were they stacked on top of each other? It’s only 33,000 square feet (including the trees and flowers).

“The NYPD is preparing for all-out war — adding an extra 1,000 cops per shift.” War against who? The non-violent protesters? The veterans who support them? Aliens?

“There’s a New World Order in Zuccotti Park… The crackdown has drastically thinned out the protesters — leaving behind a motley mix of hard-core holdouts, junkies and perverts struggling to stay awake as they wander the area, witnesses said.” So in a park where cops now outnumber the protesters “two to one” there are junkies and perverts wandering around? How can “witnesses” recognize them? Are they asking the cops if they’re holding? Are they making grabbing motions with their hands, frantically thrusting their hips and licking their lips?

Is anything in this rag even remotely accurate?

[SPOILER: No.]

Fun Fact: People who watch Fox News are less informed than people who don’t watch any news.

“The lawyers for the young temptress who claims megastar Justin Bieber impregnated her during a 30-second bathroom tryst no longer represent the accuser — and have dropped her paternity suit against the 17-year-old singer. On Nov. 7, attorneys Lance Rogers and Matt Pare were on TV claiming to have blockbuster evidence proving Bieber fathered a now-4-month-old baby with Mariah Yeater.”

Maybe it has something to do with this text that TMZ posted online:

(Mariah is asking her friend to erase all of the texts from her mom that say someone else is her baby’s father. She promises to “kick” her friend “when we get paid.” I can understand old people not understanding why they should send incriminating texts to people, but Yeater is not old people.)

Page Six (today on pages 10, 11 and 12) reports that recently divorced Olivia Wilde (House) thinks people are being unnecessarily mean to Kim Kardashian. “People judge you because divorce is seen as failure. [Kim] took a risk. No one should be attacking her.” She’s right! We shouldn’t be attacking Kim Kardashian — we should be ignoring her!

Page Six also regurgitates yesterday’s story about Lord Tim Bell’s hatred of The Iron Lady and Meryl Streep. There isn’t much new material. But don’t worry. There will be more written about it. I promise.

Cindy Adams writes about the New York Stock Exchange today. “The Exchange dates to 1803. NY Post founder Alexander Hamilton also founded America’s banking system.” So that’s two reasons he’s currently spinning in his grave.

Cindy also writes (and I promise you there is nothing before or after this that provides any context at all): “Even without knowing Herman Cain, they eat pizza. Lance Bass does takeout from Quiznos in LA.”

Does Cindy know that there are no Godfather’s Pizzas in New York City? Who are “they”? Does Cindy think Quiznos sells pizza?

Just get in the box, Cindy. Joey misses you.

“Rick Perry supporters heading to a campaign event in New Hampshire yesterday were hit with a bizarre question before they were allowed in — they had to prove they were US citizens.”

“Perry’s camp later said it was a mistake.”

That people were asked to prove their citizenship or Perry’s campaign?

Geoff Earle and Fredric, You Dicker U. Dicker’s Big Mac attack on Newt’$ tale corrects my correction. Gingrich didn’t get $1,600,000 from Freddie Mac — he got $1,800,000.

“‘Newt Gingrich was there to try to get their agendas through Congress, not to give lectures. That’s a bunch of bullshit,’ a former federal housing agency consultant who has had professional dealings with Gingrich told The Post.”

I think Obama is going to be re-elected.

Andrea Peyser calls “junk documentarian” Michael Moore and “ozone bozo” Al Gore “the world’s biggest hypocrites.” Of course they are.

She also complains about Chelsea Clinton getting a job on NBC. I must have missed her article where she complained about NBC hiring George W. Bush’s daughter (Jenna Bush Hager) or the one where she whined about Meghan McCain getting a gig on MSNBC. But today, she’s apoplectic about Clinton getting a TV gig when there are “thousands of deserving J-school graduates… who’d maim for the chance.”

But what about the fact that Clinton is donating her entire salary to charity? Mandrea thinks that “makes things even worse. Chelsea doesn’t need the money. Just another spoiled, aimless child of rich, successful parents chauffeured through adulthood by Mommy and Daddy connections.”

If Peyser’s daughter gets a job at any company even remotely affiliated with News Corp…. it wouldn’t surprise me.

Andy Soltis reports on Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez, 21, of Idaho, who shot at the White House last Friday.

“Investigators suspect Ortega-Hernandez had been in the Washington area for weeks, blending in with Occupy DC protesters… Occupy protesters, who are living in McPherson Square, a few blocks northwest of the White House, were questioned about Ortega-Hernandez several times and shown his photo.”

Did anyone recognize him? Nope. Has anyone corroborated the investigators’ suspicions? Nope. Will the Post apologize to Occupy DC for accusing them of harboring (knowingly or unknowingly) a man who tried to kill our president?

[SPOILER: Nope.]

Jacob Sullum’s ObamaCare’s Next Mandate: Broccoli? is a master class in asininity. He tries to explain that if Americans are forced to buy health insurance then, logically, they can be forced to buy broccoli.

And then that Muslim’ll come for our guns and our Bibles!

Michael A. Walsh’s Labor’s Latest Wisconsin Offensive tries to convince readers that “The GOP needs to do everything in its power to make sure [Scott] Walker wins — or the country loses.”

And by “the country” he means “the Koch Brothers.”

Crude oil closed at $102.59/barrel yesterday.

Over in the TV section, there’s a recipe for “Nutria smothered in onions” courtesy of the cast of Swamp People.

I won’t post it courtesy of I don’t hate you.

And that’s Thursday.

Schedule got shuffled and I’m working tomorrow and Wednesday. BUT I should be able to catch up over the weekend.

Good night!

“motley mob”

“squalid”

“transients, vagrants and criminals”

“hauling off a mountain of their tents and trash”

“a public health hazard”

“the protesters were armed with metal pipes hidden in cardboard tubes, knives and hypodermic needles”

“rag-tag mob”

“freeloaders and ex-cons”

The Post’s coverage is extremely fair and balanced.

Fun Fact: The Post doesn’t mention that a New York Supreme Court justice ruled that the protesters should be allowed back into Zuccotti Park many hours before Mayor Bloomberg got a different New York Supreme Court justice to rule against the protesters. And who was the justice who helped Bloomberg stall justice? Supreme Court Justice Michael Stallman.

Fun Distortion of a Fact: “City Councilman Ydanis Rodriguez was hauled in for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. Rodriguez, who was released last night without bail, said he was bloodied during the raid as he tried to link up with demonstrators. Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said certain protesters ‘obviously wanted to be arrested.’” Anything to add, City Councilman Rodriguez?

Andrea Peyser throws in her two (non)cents with Sanity prevails — but loons just don’t get it.

“Sexual assault, rape, thievery and the scamming of gullible people into donating their hard-earned cash for nefarious purposes — including the possible purchase of drugs — had become not the exception but the norm at Occupy Wall Street enclave. For weeks.”

1) Couldn’t the same accusation be made against the Catholic Church? I mean, they ask gullible people for their hard-earned money, which is used for nefarious purposes — like covering up the sexual assaults and rapes of children. Can I say that that’s not the exception but the norm in the Catholic Church and has been for decades?

2) “Including the possible purchase of drugs” is the same thing as calling someone a possible [REDACTED].

“[Tommy Fox, 54] said he organized the donation of apartments to protesters who didn’t care to sleep outside. Makes him sound curiously like a member of the dreaded 1 percent of richest Americans.” Maybe to an idiot. Or someone who doesn’t speak English.

“[The protesters] had spent the day holding up signs or shouting at the infinitely patient cops, who should be rewarded, not maligned, for taking abuse from silver-spoon sickos… The protest has run out of gas, ideas and reason for existence.”

That’s right, ugly. The NYPD is made up entirely of heroes and all of the protesters are wealthy “scum” (yes, that’s a direct quote) who have no ideas and no more energy. You’re so predictable, you should change your name to Two and a Half Mandrea.

Starbucks plans on making the bathrooms in most (but not all) of their New York City locations for employees only.

So if you have to pee and the Starbucks you’re in won’t let you use their facilities, try the one across the street.

Erik Kriss follows up yesterday’s small article about David Soares and Occupy Albany with an even smaller one today (Battle lines in Albany). “State Police have arrested nearly 60 ‘Occupy Albany’ protesters across the street from the state Capitol, setting up a potential showdown between Gov. Cuomo and the George Soros-backed local DA — who says he won’t prosecute.”

David Soares is mentioned by name three times in the piece. George Soros is named twice.

“A popular dance club [Pavilion] in an exclusive section of Fire Island was destroyed by a fire Monday night that took more than 12 hours to bring under control… Some small pockets of fire still exist.” Anybody want to guess what Kieran Crowley’s headline is for this five-sentence article? Go on, guess.

Ready?

Fire Island disco inferno

Most of you guessed that, right?

“Lego fans soon will be able to watch a movie centered around the popular building blocks. Warner Bros. will begin casting and production next year, with the movie set to hit theaters in 2014.”

Your move, Playmobil.

Page Six is on pages 14, 15 and 16 today.

“‘Green’ trucks should be rolling off a new assembly line near Hunts Point next year. Smith Electric Vehicles Corp. plans to build zero-emission electric commercial vehicles and create more than 100 new jobs at an assembly plant in the 90,000-square-foot former Murray Feiss building.”

That’s just under half of the copy devoted to Bx. plant for eco trucks. Because they don’t want to confuse their readers, who they’ve been assuring for years that the only beneficial jobs being created in New York are in fracking.

Cindy Adams continues to cling to life so that she can write things like this: “This first week transiting from daylight savings was difficult for some. One lady got a hernia resetting her biological clock.”

I bet people said “transiting” a lot in the early 1900s.

(the German word for “the”)

Over on page 26, Geoff Earle gives us Gingrich on grill: Got paid 300G from Fred Mac.

Earle is very close (very, very close), but the actual figure is $1,600,000, not $300,000.

Otherwise, great job, Geoff.

In Kagan O’Care bias feared, S.A. Miller reports that people are demanding that Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan recuse herself from the ObamaCare case because she once wrote to a legal scholar (Laurence Tribe) after ObamaCare was passed and said, “I hear they have the votes, Larry!! Simply amazing.”

Miller is totally OK with everything Clarence Thomas does, though. He fears no bias from Mr. Ginni Thomas.

Lord Tim Bell (once a key adviser to Margaret Thatcher) hasn’t seen Meryl Streep’s new movie (The Iron Lady), but he has an opinion about it all the same. “I can’t be bothered to sensationalize this rubbish. I can’t see the point of this film. Its only value is to make some money for Meryl Streep and whoever wrote it.”

This is not the last we’ll hear of this story. I promise.

Frank J. Fleming still isn’t funny.

The editorial Well Played, Mr. Mayor begins, “Zuccotti Park was looking spiffy yesterday afternoon — and for that, kudos to Mayor Bloomberg and Police Commissioner Ray Kelly. And, if we may be so immodest, to this newspaper, as well.”

“Only The Post noted that the encampment had been hijacked by criminals, vagrants and other loons.”

I guess that means that the Post is the only paper who got it right, right? Surely that’s the only explanation.

Case closed!

Crude oil closed yesterday at $99.37/barrel.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Lou Lumenick gives four stars to The Descendants (“expertly mixing tears and laughs with the sort of alchemy not seen since Terms of Endearment“).

Sara Stewart gives three stars to Tomboy (“a pre-pubescent Boys Don’t Cry with a much sweeter tone”).

Michael Riedel reports that the next movie to become a Broadway musical will be…

Honeymoon in Vegas for some reason.

Remember how all of the Post columnists attacked Casey Anthony for being a murderer and a skank? And how they attacked her attorney for (allegedly) setting up meetings with publishers and agents? And how they threw up their arms and begged America to just move on and not make any of the players in the case any more famous than they already were?

“The rights to Casey Anthony prosecutor Jeff Ashton’s book Imperfect Justice: Prosecuting Casey Anthony, was optioned by Fox TV Studios.”

And that’s Wednesday.

More to come…

This is the cover in the Post’s cover archives:

But the one I got has a much darker picture:

It also has a thumb.

Yes, the NYPD raided Zuccotti Park (a few hours after I left my clinic’s grand opening) and evicted everyone that was there. Here’s some video that was shot in front of my clinic:

There are a lot of other videos, but most of them are shaky and/or have bad sound (that’s what happens when Mayor Bloomberg doesn’t let professional journalists and news crews in to do their jobs). Lots of screaming, lots of protesters being punched, thrown to the ground, bloodied… but the Post devotes almost all of pages 4 and 5 to Breasts, but no bust, for Zuccotti Pk. gal’s naked aggression. Laura Cavanaugh’s photo alone takes up more than half of page 5:

(The caption is 99% NUDE: A cop locks his eyes forward yesterday as an Occupy Wall Street protester bares her, um, grievances in Zuccotti Park.)

“Despite the fact that it is against the law in New York City to expose your genitals — an act punishable by summons or arrest — NYPD officers completely ignored the woman — instead focusing only on gawkers who stopped to take photos, ordering them to move along.” Even the police recognized that this was a non-story, but it still gets more coverage than last night’s raid.

B’also? The Post names Bill Csapos, 57, a disabled construction worker from Tennessee, first as an “organizer” of OWS and then as “the leader.”

And Erik Kriss’ slim article next to the photo of the naked lady (DA lets Albany ralliers slide) begins, “State Police are making good on Gov. Cuomo’s vow to arrest Occupy Albany protesters who defy the curfew at a state park at the Capitol, but the district attorney is refusing to prosecute the cases.” And who is that DA again? “David Soares, the ultra-liberal Democrat whose campaign for office was bankrolled by lefty billionaire George Soros.” It’s important to know that George Soros funded Soares’ campaign because Soros is evil because he’s very rich and uses his money to help politicians he agrees with. Not like those nice Koch Brothers, who the Post has never written (and will never write) an unkind word about.

Patti LaBelle is being sued by a neighbor [Roseanna Monk] who claims that the singer shouted profanities at her so loudly that it frightened her 18-month-old “so badly she suffered ‘personality changes, sleep disorder’ and ‘increased fear of strangers’… [Her daughter] was crying so hard she vomited, Monk said.”

[insert joke about LaBelle "wigging out"]

Jerry Sandusky’s attorney, 63-year-old Joe Amendola, “was the attorney on Mary Iavasile’s emancipation petition filed Sept. 3, 1996, just weeks before her 17th birthday… That’s approximately when Iavasile became pregnant with Amendola’s child.”

The prosecution rests.

The MTA is claiming that their brilliant plan to remove garbage cans from a handful of subway stations is a success.

“‘So far we are not seeing a greater amount of trash [left behind],’ said New York City Transit President Thomas Prendergast… ‘The number of bags that we generate [for removal] is down about a third.”

So there’s only two-thirds as much garbage in stations that have no garbage cans. Only the MTA could call that a success.

In a somewhat related story, there have been 200% more rapes and 300% more burglaries on subways in 2011 than there were in 2010.

Keep up the incredibly shoddy work, guys.

Page Six (today on pages 20 and 21) refers to Michael Moore as “the ‘1-percent filmmaker’ who’s under scrutiny for owning a lavish lakefront home in Michigan and a Park Avenue pad.”

What does Moore’s net worth have to do with the argument he’s making? In fact, wouldn’t a person demanding higher taxes on the wealthy be considered more noble if he was wealthy?

This is a terrible newspaper.

More MTA news!

Nancy Shevell “skipped the boring old MTA committee meeting yesterday after a weekend of globetrotting with hubby Paul McCartney.”

Why is she still on the MTA’s board? Does anyone know? Is it because the rest of the board cares just as little as she does?

Over on page 36, Geoff Earle reports (in an article smaller than the Sudoku puzzle next to it) that Sharon Bialek’s ex-boyfriend (Dr. Victor Zuckerman) has come forward to corroborate her claim that she was sexually harassed by Herman Cain.

In a related story, Carl Campanile reports that Cain told GQ magazine that “A manly man don’t want [a pizza] piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.”

Cain is becoming the kind of candidate that most people would like to throw a beer at.

Rich Lowry’s ‘Lazy’ Isn’t America’s Problem begins, “President Obama was wrong to say at the Asia-Pacific economic summit that America has gotten ‘lazy’ in the last few decades at attracting foreign investment.”

That sentence is full of words. Rick Perry? Can you translate it for me?

“That’s what our president thinks wrong [sic] with America? That Americans are lazy? That’s pathetic.” So says the governor of Texas. But is that really what Obama said? I’ll let Lawrence O’Donnell take it from here.

Why do I have a hunch that most of the people who read the Post (and watch Fox) will come away from articles like this one thinking that Obama called them lazy?

The editorial Time’s Up, Children applauds Bloomberg’s raid last night, calling it “a long-overdue fumigation of the festering mess at Zuccotti Park.” It further justifies the mass eviction with “Threats to disrupt rush-hour subway service appeared on fliers around Lower Manhattan. Just who was responsible for them wasn’t clear…”

…but kudos to Bloomberg for assuming it was a credible threat and that it was made by Occupy Wall Street.

“But the fact is that no right — the First Amendment included — is absolute.”

Unless it’s the right to bear arms.

The PULSE section features a three-page piece on what the best new toys are this season and who you should buy them for. For example, Ugly Ted is a teddy bear “so ugly that he’s actually adorable. And so is his message — to teach kids to treat others with love and respect, no matter who they are or how they look.” And who does author Wendy Straker Hauser recommend you buy Ugly Ted for?

“BUDDING POLITICIANS.”

And that’s Tuesday.

More to come…

If you read only one article about what happened at UC Davis, make it this one.

I have no words.

We’ll return to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow.

The man on the cover dragging the protester out of Rep. Bob Turner’s swearing in (at an auditorium in Queens) is Kevin Hiltunen.

Kevin is an ex-Marine and a former NYPD officer. The Post has dubbed him “New York’s newest hero.”

In the 16th paragraph (of 19) of the follow-up on page 5, we learn that “Hiltunen was a member of the NYPD from February 1994 until June 2009, when he retired in good standing on a disability caused by an accident.”

I wonder what kind of disability he has. It must be a very painful disability — see him wince as he drags a grown man with just one arm. I bet it was a psychological disability.

Some hero.

Weekend Box Office:

J. Edgar opened in 5th place ($11,217,324), Tower Heist dropped from 2nd to 4th place in its second week ($12,773,765), Puss in Boots fell from 1st to 3rd in its second week ($24,726,193), Jack and Jill opened in 2nd ($25,003,575) and Immortals premiered in 1st ($32,206,425).

And on 51st place is 11-11-11, which opened on 11/11/11 on 17 screens and made $32,771 over the weekend.

Scott Olsen was released from the Oakland hospital he has been in since police put him there on October 25th. That information is at the end of Ore-gone! Riot cops force out protesters, which reveals that Portland’s Mayor Sam Adams ordered one of Occupy Portland’s two camps shut down on Saturday at midnight, “citing unhealthy conditions and the encampment’s attraction of drug users and thieves.”

In July of this year, Adams announced that he won’t seek a second term as mayor. He reportedly cited the city’s unhealthy conditions and attraction of drug users and thieves.

OMG! ‘ASS’ HAUL! I just got the headline!

Hahahahahahahaha!

Ass haul. Heh.

Bob Fredericks’ Mansion puts Moore in 1% begins, “He may dress like a slob and claim to speak for working stiffs — but here’s the luxurious home that proves left-winger Michael Moore is a lot closer to the 1 percent than the other 99.”

See, Moore has a $2 million home on Torch Lake in Michigan, which Fredericks notes “has a decided lack of diversity — with whites making up 98 percent of residents.”

Does this make Moore a hypocrite? Nope. Does this mean we should ignore anything (or everything) that he says regarding the Occupy movements? Nope. Will the Post continue to pretend that the answer to those two questions is “yes”? Yes.

“During a GOP presidential debate last week, [Herman] Cain said he didn’t think waterboarding was torture, and Michele Bachmann called it ‘very effective.’”

At one point, each of these idiots was the frontrunner (and may yet be again).

I love the opening sentence of Jeane MacIntosh’s Biebs no ‘pop’ star, says ‘dad’.

“Justin Bieber is just too well mannered to be anyone’s baby daddy, his one-time fill-in father insists.”

If Jeane had hyphenated “well mannered,” it would have been perfect.

“The bipartisan ’supercommittee’ — charged with finding $1.2 trillion in deficit reductions by Thanksgiving — is so deadlocked it will consider eliminating the very penalties that were supposed to force members to do their job in the first place.”

I don’t understand why Congress’ 9% approval rating is so high.

Page Six is on pages 12 and 13 today.

Cindy Adams reports that Jim Gaffigan was introduced to Ricky Gervais at the Beacon Theater. “Wearing sneakers, Gaffigan said: ‘They have laces. Laces are fascists.’ Ricky broke up. Me, I didn’t understand what the hell was funny.”

The joke was funny, Cindy. What isn’t funny is that you continue to haunt this plane of existence.

In The ‘demon’ in ‘demonstrators,‘ Andrea Peyser writes, “A fatal shooting blasted through Occupy Oakland.” Even though it didn’t.

But she spends most of her page ranting about te Brooklyn Museum’s decision to house the exhibit “HIDE/SEEK.” You may remember the name from the last round of angry articles the Post published when it was at the National Portrait Gallery at the Smithsonian last year and later at the New Museum in Manhattan.

The problem is that one of the pieces (“A Fire in My Belly” by the late David Wojnarowicz) features images of ants crawling on a crucifix. Naturally, Mandrea uses the Brooklyn Museum’s decision to showcase art that she doesn’t like to declare that “The War on Christianity is getting uglier.”

That reminds me! It’s almost time for this shrew to start complaining about the War on Christmas! Hooray!

“The judge who freed alleged Penn State kid-sex fiend Jerry Sandusky on bail — with no strings attached — is a volunteer with the charity Sandusky mined for victims, it was reported last night… Pennsylvania district Judge Leslie Dutchcot ignored prosecutors’ request for $500,000 bail — and an electronic ankle bracelet — for Sandusky, instead freeing him on $100,000.” Dutchcot also “ordered that Sandusky ‘pay nothing unless he failed to show up for a court hearing.’”

Anyone think that Dutchcot will face any kind of consequences for her immoral (if not illegal) actions?

Me neither.

Michael Kane interviews Stan Lee for the @work section’s DREAM JOB column. Kane credits Lee with creating “Spider-Man, the Hulk, Thor, Daredevil, Doctor Strange and all of the Fantastic Four.” Lee later declares, “I created Spider-Man.”

Songwriters who can’t sing need people to sing their songs. Screenwriters who can’t direct (and/or produce) need people to turn their scripts into films. And comic-bok writers who can’t draw (like Stan Lee) wouldn’t have created a damn thing if not for the artistic brilliance of Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko and Don Heck (among others).

Pompous ass.

In 2011, the Indianapolis Colts have played 10 regular-season games. I have played none. We have the same number of wins (they’re 0-10 and I’m 0-0).

Linda 3Starsi reviews National Geographic Channel’s new reality series Knights of Mayhem.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Monday.

I have to sleep now (I have to get up made early for work, yo).

Four and a half posts in one day? Not too shabby.

Have a great weekend!

“Penn State fans defiantly supported their fired coach Joe Paterno yesterday, chanting ‘JoePa!’ during the Nittany Lions’ 17-14 loss to Nebraska.” I find it amusing that the Post is chastising college students for their blind allegiance to Joe Paterno while continuing their blind allegiance to the GOP and their failed policies.

Stones, glass houses, pot, kettle, etc.

“The Bronx’s largest gay-rights group [Bronx Pride] is unfurling its rainbow flag tomorrow at its new headquarters — ironically located in a building funded by, and named after, the city’s No. 1 gay-marriage opponent, state Sen. Ruben Diaz [the Rev. Ruben Diaz Gardens].”

This makes me so happy.

“Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi resigned yesterday.”

Farewell, grotesque lech. We hardly knew ye. But still we knew too much.

Candice M. Giove’s EXCLUSIVE on page 8, Dollars and dissents: OWS costs local biz … $479,000! begins, “It makes no cents. The Occupy Wall Street movement has cost surrounding businesses $479,000 so far, store owners said.” The store owners don’t offer any proof to back up that figure, but who needs proof when you’re writing a story for the New York Post?

Bottom line: The OWS protesters are all filthy and ignorant and costing honest businesspeople lots of money.

Case closed!

B’also? I just saw this (NSFW) video on Facebook. It’s well worth 15 minutes of your time:

“Actress Piper Laurie describes Ronald Reagan — who played her dad in a movie and then bedded the 18-year-old virgin off the set — as an insensitive ’show-off’ in bed in her new memoir, Learning to Live Out Loud.”

“‘It was my first love affair,’ she said. But the bedroom romp later that night was ‘without grace. He made sure I was aware of the length of time he had been “ardent.” It was 40 minutes,’ she writes. ‘And he told me how much the condom cost.’ Then, sensing Laurie was less than enthused by the experience, he insulted her. ‘There’s something wrong with you. You should have had many orgasms by now — after all this time. You’ve got to see a doctor,’ he said.”

No wonder the GOP considers Reagan a hero — when today’s middle- and lower-class complain about getting fucked by the policies of the GOP, the GOP tells them they’re crazy and they should actually be grateful.

“Thousands of New Yorkers may have been exposed to cancer-causing drinking water aboard a flotilla of luxury cruise liners, according to a bombshell report. A defective paint was used inside water tanks on as many as 50 ships owned by Royal Caribbean, Norwegian Cruise Line and other companies, according to the Sunday Times of London.”

The manufacturer of the paint (Hempel) was able to hide the fact that the paint was “capable of leeching the toxin acrylonitrile — a tumor-causing probable carcinogen — into the water” because of a court order designed to “gag whistle-blower Brian Bradford.”

“Bradford discovered a black residue on tanks, told Norwegian Cruise lines about it, and was axed.”

I wonder if I can sue the Post for sending me on that cruise years ago…

“A Japanese toilet maker has built the Neo, a part-motorcycle, part-porcelain throne that is powered by sewage and includes a giant roll of TP on the back.”

I found a picture of it at Oddity Central:

Imagine driving down a highway and being flagged down by someone who begs you to crap in his motorcycle.

(Fun Lie: That was the original chorus of John Lennon’s “Imagine.”)

Page Six is on page 16 today.

“Seven New Yorkers have filed claims totaling $27 million against the city and the MTA for injuries caused by cracked sidewalks on a 14-block span of the Upper East Side, where construction of the Second Avenue Subway is under way.”

And they’ll get at least half that.

And the MTA will use that as an excuse for the inevitable delay of the line’s completion.

ASK ASHLEY!

Money has been super-tight lately. I feel pretty comfortable during budget-tightening times. I like brown rice enough, and cheap beer is fine by me. I’ve just started dating a girl I really like, and I want to be able to do special things for her. She’s down to earth, so it’s not like she’ll bolt if I don’t go all-out, but I’d still like to impress her. Do you have a couple of suggestions for knock-her-socks-off dates that won’t make me go broke? — Glenn, Williamsburg

ASHLEY: “The good news is you can totally impress her using just your charm and a little brainstorming.”

ME: “The bad news is you’re incapable of brainstorming, which is why you’re asking a hooker for dating ideas.”

ASHLEY: “It’s not so much where you go or what you do. If you two are compatible, it will make Shake Shack your own personal Babbo.”

ME: “Only a prostitute would select Shake Shack as a place to have a cheap, romantic date. It’s always crowded, it’s overpriced and it isn’t as good as the hype… just like Ashley Dupre’s vagina. (rimshot)”

A cute guy has asked me out a few times via Facebook and text. Each time I say, sure. Then he disappears until I get another message from him weeks or months later saying, “We never went out. Are you still game?” I feel like Charlie Brown having the football pulled away. He just reached out again. Do I reply? — Bella, Fort Greene

ASHLEY: “Yes, reply, but carefully.”

ME: “No, unless you take pride in being a doormat.”

Chazz Palminteri claims that his love of the New York Yankees prevents him from ever wearing another team’s paraphernalia. Ever.

“There were a couple of movies where they wanted me to wear a Mets hat and I said ‘no.’ And the director was really insistent and I said, ‘Look, get somebody else. I can’t wear the hat.’ And they said, ‘Chazz, you’re a character. It’s not you.’ I said, ‘I can’t put it on. I can’t do it’… I couldn’t put on another uniform unless it was a Yankee hat or a Yankee uniform. I swear on my mother and father I couldn’t do it.”

I’m going to watch A Bronx Tale again, to pay tribute to this wonderful man. And also to see that actor who’s in prison for robbing a house with the guy who shot a cop as they were escaping.

And that’s Sunday.

More to come…

The Post reports that the entire staff of MF Global was fired. But that implies that someone fired them. In fact, the company is completely bankrupt. The 1,066 employees lost their jobs, yes, but it’s because the place they work is no longer in business (thanks to the [former] CEO, Jon Corzine).

This being the Post, though, they made sure to mention that one of the newly-out-of-work people wore a shirt to clean out his office that read “FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!” The Post replaced “fuck” with “f–k” wherever it appeared in print, but not in the photo on page 5:

Classy.

My friend from college, Ahna Tessler, is mentioned on page 3 because she had twins on 11/11/11! And here they are:

Welcome to the world, Madelyn and Elliot Harrison! And congratulations, Ahna!

Herman Cain has been bragging that, despite the numerous sexual-harassment allegations, he’s been raising more funds than ever. “Also in yesterday’s radio interview, Cain said he was now under extraordinary scrutiny. ‘I call it flyspecking. Every word I say now is going to be flyspecked by somebody, and somebody who does not support Herman Cain, they’re going to try to spin it into a negative.’”

As someone who doesn’t support Herman Cain, let me scrutinize that statement and ask: What the fuck does “flyspecking” mean?

“Sasha Grey, 23, took time to read children’s books to a group of elementary-school kids as young as 6, as part of a charitable program in which celebrities read to poverty-stricken students. The star of Anal Cavity Search 6 stopped filming adult movies in 2009 when she began to go mainstream with legitimate films and TV gigs. Parents at Emerson Elementary School in Compton complained to officials about Grey’s porno past, TMZ reported.”

Grey responded to the complaints with a statement which said (in part), “I have a past that some people may not agree with, but it does not define who I am.”

My prediction? Sasha will replace Ashley Dupre at the Post sometime next year.

Page Six is on page 10 today.

These shoes cost more than $4,000 a pair:

They look really comfortable.

“Scientists created super-strong mice, with muscles twice as strong as those of normal mice, by tweaking a gene. The ‘Mighty Mouse’ is stronger, faster and can run twice the distance of ordinary mice before showing signs of fatigue, according to a team of scientists from the Laboratory of Integrative Systems Physiology, in Lausanne [in Switzerland].”

I was going to say that the Swiss are creating a “mouse-ter race,” but decided against it.

You’re welcome.

“A Bloods gang member [Kenny Tavarez, 22] — who convinced a Bronx jury that he needed to carry a loaded gun for protection — has been arrested on attempted murder charges for shooting a man, cops said.”

We need to pay intelligent people to be full-time jurors. Because the people who wind up getting called for jury duty? Generally not the sharpest utensils in the drawer.

“In an effort to bring in fugitive suspects, British cops in Derbyshire offered them a free case of beer — they just had to pick it up. Incredibly, 19 showed up.”

The moral of the story: The British are all alcoholics.

“Texas drivers lost their bid to get the Confederate battle flag added to specialty license plates, with an overwhelming rejection by the state’s Department of Motor Vehicles.”

Texans are now struggling to come up with a alternate image to demonstrate their seething hatred of Black people.

Robert Rector and Rachel Sheffield both work for The Heritage Foundation, which explains why their op-ed (Worse Than Useless Measure of Poverty) is so absurdly partisan. They explain that the Census Bureau’s old method for measuring poverty levels in America was “inaccurate” but the new (and improved) method is “much worse” because it is “designed to provide a never-ending argument for the Left to insist that we must ’spread the wealth’ by throwing more money into welfare programs.”

They go on to explain that we could lift “nearly 75 percent of poor children” out of poverty if just one of their parents worked 40 hours a week. Why won’t all of those poor people just get jobs that don’t exist? They’re so lazy!

But it isn’t just the laziness of the poor that’s destroying America. It’s also “the breakdown of marriage.”

Of course it is.

Excerpts from the editorial Now It’s a Health Hazard:

“Zuccotti Park seems to have become a disease incubator.” The Post seems to be full of shit.

“Respiratory disease appears to be common: ‘It’s called Zuccotti lung,’ one park denizen told [The New York] Times. ‘It’s a real thing.’ (Next thing you know, the busy little bees at Mt. Sinai Hospital will be lobbying for federal aid for the ‘victims,’ and the tort lawyers will be lining up.)” Yeah, fuck those jerks at Mt. Sinai Hospital! And hooray for tort reform!

“There was a fatal shooting following a gang fight at Occupy Oakland.” No, there was a fatal shooting near Occupy Oakland. That’s like calling Park51 the Ground Zero Mosque!

Oh, right.

Sayville’s Patrick Phelan writes in to announce, “I watched Herman Cain’s press conference, and he has my vote. I hope the liberal media are watching and not hiding behind the couch.” Those liberals and their couches!

Apple Valley, California’s Daniel Jeffs writes, “The biased, liberal media are doing a Clarence Thomas-style political lynching of Cain, similar to the demonization of Newt Gingrich. It’s what Democrats do against their most dangerous opponents. I would like to see a Gingrich/Cain Republican ticket to restore America.” So would I, Daniel. So would I.

Clifton, New Jersey’s M. Kalinowski writes, “As the attacks on Cain show, the Democratic Party and its leftist media lapdogs hate the audacity of any black man who thinks for himself.” So true.

Rotterdam’s Edmond Day writes, “For generations, racists have branded black men with the stereotype of being sexual predators. Now the Democrats are doing this to Cain.” Therefore, all Democrats are racists. Case closed!

Maggie Gallagher complains that Laura Bassett’s recent Huffington Post piece, “The Men Behind the War on Women,” is “a spectacular example of a truly novel and unpleasant combination of naked aggression on the hard left, self-pityingly described as a brave defensive stance against a scary new ‘attack.’ First, government takes over health care, and then Catholic resistance to subsidizing abortion or contraception is described as a war on women. If you’re looking for a true war on women to fight, I have a suggestion: Look to the use of abortion to kill baby girls in the womb.”

“The right to choose to kill your daughters. Surely if we’re looking for a way to fight a war against women, this would be the place to start?”

Maggie Gallagher is my favorite Muppet.

Linda 3Starsi reviews CMT’s Reel Love.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Saturday.

More to come…

Ashton Kutcher claims he hadn’t heard about the Joe Paterno/Jerry Sandusky when he tweeted “How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste.”

Fun Fact: Paterno never coached the Hawkeyes.

The front page also includes a tweet from Eric Stangel in response to Kutcher’s: “All due respect, you’re a fucking idiot.”

Fun Fact: Eric Stangel didn’t write that tweet. Ohio resident Josh Hara did.

This is a terrible newspaper.

Kutcher has since turned over his Twitter account to his production company. “Up until today, I have posted virtually every one of my tweets on my own, but clearly the platform has become too big to be managed by a single individual… It seems that today that [sic] twitter [sic] has grown into a mass publishing platform, where ones [sic] tweets quickly become news that is broadcast around the world and misinformation becomes volatile fodder for critics,” he wrote on his blog.

Demi Moore is a very lucky woman.

Occupy Wall Street gets coverage on most of page 3. Not the movement as a whole, mind you. Just “two booze-swilling grifters” who have allegedly “raked in as much as $200 a day at the Occupy Wall Street protest” in Zuccotti Park by claiming to be diabetic and in need of money for juice.

All day, all week, write about unimportant and distracting things!

All day, all week, write about unimportant and distracting things!

Billy Crystal will host the Oscars this year.

When will the Academy stop pandering to the youth demographic?

“An off-duty Brooklyn police officer was busted for driving drunk near Green-Wood Cemetery yesterday, cops said. Scherson Lotin, 33, was arrested after he got into an accident on 37th Street at about 12:15 p.m.”

He has been suspended for 30 days.

How about a zero tolerance policy for law-enforcement officials who break the law? Especially if their criminal behavior could result in the deaths of innocents. Please?

“An East Harlem cop [Maribel Soriano] is under investigation for allegedly posting online grisly photos of an apparent suicide victim and videos of suspects handcuffed to chairs.”

At least she didn’t pepper-spray anyone. That I know of.

“A remorseful Bronx woman [Angela Barksdale, 48] will spend the next 15 years in jail after pleading guilty yesterday to the February 2009 beating death of her 4-year-old grandson [Kevion Shand] because he had soiled his clothes.”

Angela has now replaced Avon as the most despicable person — fictional or real — with the last name Barksdale.

Page Six is on pages 14 and 15 today.

Cindy Adams’ column is all about bagels today. She concludes it by saying, “Although a bagel midweek is frowned upon, at the very instant I’m writing this, I am pleating one — with lettuce, tomato and mayo — into my mouth.”

Fun Fact: Today is Friday. Which means that she writes her column days (if not weeks) in advance.

Steve Cuozzo’s op-ed Mike is blowing it: No leadership among Zuccotti mess complains about all of the business being lost by places like Milk Street Cafe because of the barricades the NYPD put up around them.

Fun Fact: The barricades were removed many days ago and Milk Street Cafe’s owner (Marc Epstein) recently told the Post that business is booming again.

Otherwise, great op-ed, Steve.

Bill O’Reilly’s latest column begins, “The cult of celebrity has reached a new low. No, I’m not talking about Kim Kardashian making millions from her wedding and then dumping the groom less than three months later. We could have predicted that. What is even worse is that one of the late John Lennon’s body parts has sold for more than $31,000 at an auction.”

That someone bought one of John Lennon’s teeth is lower than Kim Kardashian’s fake wedding? Really, Bill?

“I just hope the Occupy Wall Street people don’t hear about this. They’re already down on capitalism, and the tooth transaction will not likely change their opinion.”

1) No, they aren’t.

2) You hope they don’t hear about it because it won’t change their opinion?

3) Shut up, Bill.

Garett Sloane (aka Garrett Sloane aka Garret Sloane) reports that, under the terms of a new settlement with the Federal Trade Commission, “Facebook will need the express consent of users before changing their account settings, and users would have to opt-in to changes that affect their privacy settings.”

That’s all well and good, but how do I get rid of that annoying ticker?

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Lou Lumenick gives zero stars to Jack and Jill (“[directed by Dennis Dugan] with all the skill of a blind parking lot attendant”), and three and a half stars to Melancholia (“one of the year’s most emotionally resonant art movies”).

Kyle Smith gives two stars to Immortals (“notable for its repetitive violence”), three and a half stars to Into the Abyss (“it does not escape being tendentious”), three stars to both London Boulevard (“vicious, spirited gangster drama”) and The Love We Make (“the documentary, arriving far too late, [doesn't] have much new to say about 9/11″), and zero stars to A Novel Romance (“Ick to the utmost. Squared.”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to The Conquest (mature themes) and three stars to Elite Squad: The Enemy Within (profanity, unrelenting violence).

Sara Stewart gives one and a half stars to The Greening of Whitney Brown (“our heroine is awfully shrill”).

“Shock jock Howard Stern is in active negotiations to replace buzzer-master Piers Morgan on NBC’s top-rated variety show, America’s Got Talent, The Post has learned.”

Maybe now that farting prostitute will finally get her shot at stardom!

The color-coded TV listings have once again been published in black and white.

That’s Friday.

More to come…