Dailies

Attorney Richard Katz is suing the Setai Club and Spa Wall Street “for reneging on its promise of a ‘complimentary full breakfast’ with his $5,000 annual membership fees.”

“‘They had a full restaurant menu like you get in a hotel — omelets, pancakes, waffles, yogurts, meats, juices,’ he said. ‘Whatever you wanted.’ But, after the restaurant closed for a month this past August, he said, the spa started serving just a cold buffet on the roof deck. Eventually, the club let him quit and gave him a prorated refund of his fees. But he said he told them: ‘It’s just not that easy.’”

Katz is suing for $730,000.

If this was England, Katz would have to pay Setai’s legal bill after he loses his frivolous lawsuit. But it isn’t, so he won’t.

“More than a half-million health-insurance policy holders are in line for a combined $114.5 million in refunds for overcharges last year by 11 companies, Gov. Cuomo said yesterday. New York law requires insurers to spend at least 82 cents of every dollar on medical care, or refund the difference.”

Of course, those same insurers were granted an enormous rate hike for 2012 (just like the one they were granted for 2011), so this probably won’t even feel this penalty. But we will.

Since I’m writing this on 11/18/11, a lot of the stories have become outdated. That’s why I won’t bring up the kidnapping of Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos in Venezuela (he has already been rescued) or Rick Perry’s spectacular brainfart at the 11/09 debate (though I will share this sentence from Geoff Earle and S.A. Miller: “But then co-moderator John Harwood asked weather [sic] Perry really couldn’t remember the third agency he planned to abolish.” and this sentence from Herman Cain which the audience applauded: “The American people deserve better than someone being tried in the court of public opinion.” I applauded, too, but only because I thought he was announcing that he was dropping out of the race.).

I will also skip over the numerous women coming forward with claims of being sexually harassed by Herman Cain (there’s a full page just on Karen Kraushaar today).

Andrea Peyser lashes out at “oldtimer columnist Jimmy Breslin” for writing something about Occupy Wall Street that didn’t accuse every participant of being a rapist and/or a trustifarian.

Fun Fact: Mandrea is also an oldtimer columnist.

Page Six is on pages 12 and 13 today.

You cannot park & $lide: No more tix break for waiving trial, the EXCLUSIVE by Sally Goldenberg, reports “The city Department of Finance is axing a program that offers reduced parking-ticket fines for motorists who agree not to fight their summons in court… Finance Commissioner David Frankel said scrapping the program as of Jan. 30 could save the city roughly $50 million a year.”

Or it will cost the city additional money because more people will contest their tickets, requiring more police officers to spend hours in court. I guess we’ll find out in a few months.

Cindy Adams writes (or dictates to a horrified assistant): “The Kremlin warned the White House not to launch airstrikes against Iran. ‘Not to worry,’ Obama people told Putin people. ‘We’ve consulted Enron advisers and instead of bombing Iran, we’re thinking of shredding them.’”

Get. In. The. Box.

“A Manhattan jury says it can’t agree on a felony-assault verdict for a muscle-bound electrician [Oscar Fuller] who allegedly punched a woman [Lana Rosas] into a coma during an argument over an East Village parking spot earlier this year.”

The American justice system is irreparably broken.

John Podhoretz’s Deadly ‘Oops’ That Doomed Rick Perry calls Perry’s verbal misstep “the most embarrassing single televised minute any important American politician has ever inflicted upon himself.” Johnny sure does love his hyperbole.

I will also be limiting my coverage of the Post’s coverage of Occupy Wall Street (at least until I’m caught up). But it’s worth noting that the editorial Occupy a Place of Honor references “the self-obsessed slackers of Occupy Wall Street” and chastises them for not honoring the veterans on Veterans Day (which hadn’t yet occurred when the editorial was written). They are also refers to as “always obnoxious” and pretentious.

Fun Fact: A large number of veterans — including Oakland’s Scott Olsen — are members of the various Occupy movements across the country.

If the Post truly wanted to honor our nation’s veterans, they would have stopped insulting them for 24 hours. But they don’t.

Milford, Connecticut’s Paul Izzo writes in to say, “[Andy] Rooney, more than President Obama and Nancy Pelosi, did a great deal to make America despise the self-indulgent ‘me, me, me’ whining of liberals. Rooney was a talentless, liberal drone with nothing to say. Good riddance.”

Wow.

Kyle Smith’s Hollywood’s Beloved F-Word comes to Brett Ratner’s defense. Smith contends that Ratner’s “rehearsal is for fags” comment is not nearly as bad as a character in Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris referring to “Republican Tea Party crypto-fascist airhead zombies.”

Wow.

And that’s the rest of Thursday.

More to come…

Sexy lady in lingerie + man fired for not reporting rape of 10-year-old boy = the sexiest/unsexiest cover on the newstands.

Incidentally, this made me smile (if you don’t know why, don’t worry about it — the explanation isn’t worth it):

An audit by state Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli has revealed that a Metro-North signals unit “padded their paychecks with more than $1 million in unnecessary overtime by manipulating work rules designed to keep passengers safe.”

Over “two dozen railroad-signal workers on the Harlem and Hudson lines” were paid “for zero work.”

“‘If I had to name the top five jobs in this country, this would have to be, hands down, No. 1,’ Anthony Picano told auditors. Of the $145,453 he made last year, he was paid $28,685 for doing nothing. The waste of taxpayer funds involved supervisors green-lighting employees to work 7:30 to 4 p.m. shifts, even though their jobs couldn’t be started until later, when service slowed down. The workers would then rack up obscene amounts of OT by staying late to get the work done. And once any railroad worker is on the job for more than 12 hours, he or she automatically gets a fully paid ‘rest shift’ as required under a federal safety law.”

You know what would make MTA and Metro-North employees think twice about committing fraud like this? If the people who get caught doing it are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

“Bronx police-union delegates — furious over the handling of the NYPD ticket-fixing scandal — yesterday called for their leader’s head and then stormed out of a meeting when he refused to step down, sources told The Post. In a pre-planned protest, as many as 500 as many as 400 about 50 Bronx delegates from the Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association stood and demanded the ouster of PBA President Pat Lynch at the union’s general meeting at a Queens catering hall.”

Following the meeting, Lynch had those delegates pepper-sprayed and beaten with sticks.

Geoff Earle’s Fir-get Christmas-tree fee begins, “Call it a Christmas miracle: The feds are chopping a new 15-cent fee on Christmas trees just a day after the Grinch-like idea was announced. The fee, published Tuesday in the Federal Register, was sought by a group of growers and is backed by the National Christmas Tree Association… The tax scheme got panned after it was reported on a blog written by Heritage Foundation honcho David Addington, and the White House caved before President Obama could be painted as a Scrooge.”

1) I’m sure Jesus is thrilled that Geoff considers not paying an extra $0.15 for your Christmas tree a Christmas miracle.

2) In all honesty, if the price of your tree went up $0.15, would you even notice?

3) Someone from the Post is praising something that the Heritage Foundation said or did? What are the odds!

4) Apparently it wasn’t too late to paint Obama as a Scrooge, as demonstrated by Geoff’s article.

Philip Messing and Bob Fredericks’ NYPD IS RABBLE ROUSED: Elite detectives at OWS explains that “The NYPD has moved three elite Manhattan homicide detectives and a deputy chief to the raucous Occupy Wall Street protest in response to a rash of sex attacks, thefts and vandalism.” None of which constitutes a homicide.

“[S]ome cops called it a waste of manpower. ‘Sending homicide detectives to investigate vandalism and lost-property cases is a little much,’ chuckled one police official. Another police official called it an overreaction, adding, ‘If you have graffiti on your mailbox, call up and see how long it’ll take to get a criminal-mischief report filed.’”

But why would the NYPD send “elite” homicide detectives to an area that hasn’t had a homicide? Might the daily fear-mongering of the Post be at least partially responsible?

[SPOILER: Yes.]

…

This is as far as I got many days ago. I am now sitting on seven issues of the New York Post. I’m going back to work on Saturday and Sunday, so I can’t catch up on the weekend. And on the days that I work, I leave before Teresa is awake (usually at 7:30 a.m.) and get home exhausted (usually at around 10:30 p.m.). I miss my wife.

So here’s what I’m going to (try to) do.

Tomorrow (Friday), I am going to get up bright and early and try to get through as many horrible newspapers as I can. I can no longer devote three-six hours a day to each entry in this blog, but traffic has never been higher and the feedback has never been more complimentary (with the exception of the phone call I got from an attorney friend of Mr. Andrea Peyser [Mark Phillips] requesting [unofficially, he claimed] that I remove all references to Phillips being a possible [REDACTED] — more on that in a moment), so I don’t want to just take a vacation or discard the last week’s papers. I want to ride the site’s momentum to fame and fortune. Just bear with me while I try and figure out how to keep doing this without destroying my marriage and mind.

Despite the precedent set by Isaac Eiland-Hall, the man behind GlennBeckRapedAndMurderedAYoungGirlin1990.com, it occurred to me (after the aforementioned friendly chat with his attorney friend) that Mark Phillips is not a public figure and he doesn’t write hateful and ignorant screeds for a living. I have no beef with him. In fact, I have great sympathy for the man. It can’t be easy to share a bed with Mandrea — I have a hard enough time looking at the heavily airbrushed photo at the top of her columns.

Therefore, over the next few days, I will go into the archive and remove all references to Mr. Phillips being a suspected [REDACTED]. Additionally, I’d like to apologize to him. I was (clumsily) trying to make a statement about the spurious logic of his spouse (and the paper she works for).

To be clear: I have never seen or heard anything at all that would imply that Mark Phillips has ever been guilty of anything. His reputation, as far as I know, is impeccable. And if one can have unimpeachable ethics despite not killing Andrea Peyser despite having numerous opportunities on a daily basis, then Phillips has those, too. And I am sincerely sorry for ever implying otherwise (regardless of satirical intent).

See you all tomorrow.

Victoria Jackson is so offensively stupid, it makes John Boehner cry.

More to come…

Taken at (roughly) 8:15 a.m.

and my personal favorite:

And this from a couple of hours later:

I live in interesting times.

Last night was the grand opening party of the place I work. My co-workers and I tied balloons around our storefront and hung banners. As we did, I noticed what seemed like an inordinate amount of police cars. But I was told that that’s what the NYPD have been doing every night. Just before we went inside (at around 5:30 p.m.), I saw a group of men (I remember thinking they were sanitation workers despite being in street clothes, but now I can’t remember why) see their friend (or co-worker) in the street and tell him “not to stay out too late.” They all laughed.

I thought it was weird that a policewoman stopped by our party (which was supposed to end at 8:00 p.m.) at around 8:30 to see when we planned on closing.

I honestly felt something in the air when I went home at around 9:15. Zuccotti Park seemed quieter than usual to me. Maybe this is why:

What am I going to see when I get out of the subway at Cortland Street on Tuesday morning? Will I still be able to smell the tear gas and pepper spray? Is there any damage to my office? I’m watching the Global Revolution livestream, but they aren’t at Zuccotti Park right now.

I’ll get to work early and try to take some pictures.

I work across the street from Ground Zero. I work across the street from Zuccotti Park.

I work on Liberty Street.

I spent more time today trying to get to places — all of them in Brooklyn — than I did at the places themselves (and one of them was a two-hour rehearsal). But rather than post a very small percentage of the entry I’m writing on Thursday’s paper, I am going to post a movie poster that made me laugh.

The movie isn’t a comedy. But the fact that no one told the filmmaker why Brownian Movement might not be the wisest title for a drama, is.

Tomorrow is another 12+ hour shift (followed by our official grand opening party!), so there probably won’t be a posting until later in the evening.

Sorry for falling behind.

Blame the MTA.

Last night I worked a 13½-hour shift and went right to sleep when I got home. Now I am (and have a) super behind. Additionally, the F train is not stopping at our station this weekend, so getting to and from tonight’s show will be even more time-consuming than usual. But I will try to get through as much of these horrible newspapers as I can over the next two days, starting with…

I’m not sure who came up with the follow-up headline HE JUST CAIN’T REMEMBER HER: Herman says no way he harassed No. 4, but Kate Sheehy, Geoff Earle and S.A. Miller’s piece informs us that Cain remained defiant (at yesterday’s press conference) “even though he acknowledged that ‘there will probably be others’ coming forward to accuse him, fueled by his political enemies.”

The article also features not only what might be my favorite sentence about Herman Cain of all time (“Cain acknowledged that there’s a ‘remote’ possibility that his memory could just be failing him, but he doubted it.”), but also my new favorite Herman Cain quote (“Sexual harassment is a very serious charge. Yes, I have seen instances… and if I saw it… I dealt with it immediately. [But] it’s not just men who harass women. I also have seen situations where women sexually harass men.”).

Cain’s explanation of the alleged sexual harassment that accuser #4 (Karen Kraushaar, 55) is accusing him of is a close second (“One day in my office at the NRA, I was standing next to Ms. Kraushaar, and I gestured… [and said], ‘You’re the same height as my wife,’ because my wife came up to my chin.’”).

And, in the last four paragraphs of the 41-paragraph article, we learn about Donna Donella, 40, of Arlington, Virginia. (aka Accuser #5).

Kate Sheehy also tells us about two women (one of whom Andrea Peyser recently cited anonymously) who have come forward to discredit Sharon Bialek — Chicagoan Amy Jacobson, who allegedly saw Bialek talking to Cain last month at a Tea Party rally (“It sort of looked flirtatious.”), and Mandrea’s source, Anna Alexander, 64, of Queens (“I got a phone call [from Bialek] one day. I thought she was calling to wish me happy birthday. She was sobbing and crying that she was going to lose her apartment. She said, ‘Please help me out’… She said, ‘I will give it to you when I have it. In the meantime, go on welfare.’”).

The Post is treating the allegations leveled by these two women against Bialek as far more credible than the allegations being made by the two three four five women against Cain.

Correction

“The Post incorrectly reported that bettors pumped $15 million into the slot machines and electronic table games [at the Aqueduct racino]. The correct figure was $177.85 million.”

I had really high hopes for MTA finally gets it: ‘Patience’ wears thin, until I read it. It isn’t about the MTA making the trains run more frequently — it’s about how the end of their announcements have been changed from “Please be patient” to “Thank you for your patience.”

“‘How patient can I be?’ griped Deborah Draughton, 47, of Queens. Considering that her regular route — the problem-plagued F line — recently underwent substantial construction, she pointed out, ‘We’re already patient as it is.’” Actually, the substantial construction starts on Monday. Good try, though, Julia Marsh and Jennifer Fermino.

“Joshua Echevarria, 19, a Brooklyn subway rider, noticed the change on the M train recently. He shrugged it off. ‘At the end of the day, “we apologize, sorry for the inconvenience” doesn’t make a difference,’ he said. ‘If we’re late, we’re late.’” Amen, brother.

Candy Spelling, widow of Aaron and mother of Tori, won $90,000 in a single slot machine pull in Las Vegas. Three years ago, she won a $180,000 slots jackpot. The year before, she won a $200,000 slots jackpot. She also won a Toyota Prius in a charity raffle in 2007.

“She recently sold her 123-bedroom Los Angeles mansion for the bargain-basement price of about $85 million. That was reportedly $65 million below her original asking price.”

She’s very wealthy, even if you don’t count all of the money she made as singer/songwriter Paul Williams.

Post Wire Services is credited with the eight-sentence Ohio union victory, about the state’s rejection yesterday of Gov. John Kasich’s recent anti-union law (Kasich, a Republican, isn’t mentioned anywhere in the article).

Sentence #2: “The legislation, which would have allowed the more than 350,000 workers to bargain on their wages, would have banned ther right to strike, and eliminated binding arbitration or promotions based solely on seniority.”

Sentence #5: “Labor and business interests poured more than $30 million total into yesterday’s referendum.”

Sentence #8: “Also in Mississippi, voters rejected a referendum asking that life be defined as beginning at conception.”

This is a terrible newspaper.

There’s a lot about Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky and Penn State, but the only thing I want to share with you from Tim Bontemps and Leonard Greene’s A tragic end of the ‘Lion’ as Penn State gets set to sack Coach Paterno is this: “The backlash against Paterno has been mounting like an aggressive pass rush ever since child sex-abuse charges were leveled last week against Sandusky.” See what they did there?

Mike Vaccaro’s Sad flicker from beacon of integrity is less flippant and more heartfelt (albeit mildly confusing). “But even for Joe Paterno, there is a difference between what is legal and what is right… Penn State is a marvelous university. It has clearly tried to do what is proper across the decades. But it is no more infallible in its own world than the Catholic Church is in its world. I was raised in a parish ransacked by a rogue priest; I was subjected to many days and nights of inappropriate behavior, spared the worst of it by a saying the nuns would drill into us: There but for the grace of God go I. Others were not so fortunate.”

So… Vaccaro knew there was a priest molesting his peers, but he wasn’t molested because the nuns said “there but for the grace of God go I” to him a lot? Am I missing something?

Vaccaro doesn’t mention what happened to that priest — or if he ever reported the sexual abuses that “others” were subjected to. But he does spend an entire page shaming the various Penn State officials for not reporting Sandusky’s actions.

In Cain’s ‘time’ bomb, Michael Goodwin writes, “Polls showing that Herman Cain hasn’t lost much support over allegations of sexual harassment remind of the story of the man who jumps off a 40-story building. As he passes the 20th floor on the way down, he’s heard saying, ‘So far, so good.’ Be patient. It takes time, as much as two weeks, for most events to work their way through the political bloodstream. Ordinary voters don’t pay rapt attention to the daily drip of campaign drama the way pros and pundits do… Herman Cain, despite the denials, is about to hit bottom.”

Let’s see where Cain is in the polls on November 23rd.

Page Six (today on pages 12, 13 and 14) reports that Jennifer Aniston now has an “incredible bosom” and is probably pregnant (by Justin Theroux). But she recently told Hello! that “she was neither engaged nor pregnant. She explained: ‘It’s just I quit smoking, so I’ve gained a couple of pounds.’” Congratulations to Jennifer for whichever part(s) of that story isn’t a lie.

And in Oscars fire Ratner, Page Six reports that “director Brett Ratner was last night dramatically fired as producer of the Oscars after making bizarre remarks including, ‘Rehearsal is for fags.’” Five sentences later: “The Academy said in a statement: ‘[Ratner] did the right thing for the Academy [by resigning].’” I guess Oscars fire Ratner by accepting his resignation was too long for headline.

Finally, Elliott Gould talked about his friendship with Groucho Marx after a recent screening of California Split. “I once changed a light bulb over his bed, and he told me, ‘That’s the best performance I’ve ever seen you give.’ I said, ‘Well, that’s the best review I ever got.’” Neither man was kidding.

Cindy Adams writes, “Although Leonardo da Vinci passed away weeks ago, he’s returning. Coming is a film about his youth.” I wonder if Cindy will play herself.

B’also? “Question: A lifesaving paramedic makes $30,000 a year. A slam-dunk basketballer earns $20 mil. What’s wrong with this picture?” That you’re still alive?

B’also’also? “Murray Kellman sent [this query]: ‘Why drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?’” And Steven Wright’s attorney is sending him a cease-and-desist letter.

Heavy D (real name: Dwight Arrington Myers) passed away at the age of 44.

He will be remembered and then missed.

“The Obama administration cautiously offered up more areas in the Gulf of Mexico and off Alaska’s coast to oil and gas drilling yesterday. But the proposal didn’t go far enough to satisfy Republicans.”

Really? That’s so weird.

“A hulking, beer-guzzling rugby jock suffered a stroke in a freak training accident — and woke up gay. Chris Birch was a straight, 266-pound Welsh bank worker who liked sports, girls and booze and was engaged to his girlfriend before the lifestyle-changing event. Now he’s a 154-pound hairdresser who bleaches his tresses and lives with his 19-year-old boyfriend above his salon.”

Before:

After:

Fabulous.

Jennifer Fermino’s DA: No spit, Sherlock! claims, “Law enforcement is mulling a plan to use DNA samples to prosecute expectorating hotheads who hock loogies on transit workers.” I guess I’d better stop.

“From the beginning of the year through October, 145 bus and subway workers were spit on, officials said.” Maybe a better (and cheaper) way to make the number of (alleged) salivacides go down is to not award the (alleged) victims six months of paid leave (or to not give people numerous valid reasons to spit on MTA workers).

Over on page 32, you’ll find Kate Sheehy’s tiny article A win for BamCare.

“The conservative-leaning US Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia upheld a lower-court ruling that defended President Obama’s universal-health-care package as constitutional, despite the fact that the law will force all Americans to buy insurance or pay a penalty… A lawsuit brought by Pat Robertson’s American Center for Law and Justice contends not only that Americans should not be forced to buy health insurance, but also that Obamacare [sic] discriminates against those whose religious beliefs are anti-medicine.”

I’d forgotten how stupid Pat Robertson’s followers are.

Danny Gold’s Thief nailed at Zuccotti reports that “a raging lunatic” was caught stealing money from “a plumber who was taking up a collection for himself and 9/11 first responders” who knocked him unconsciousness. “When he regained consciousness, cops escorted him several blocks away but did not arrest him. Several protesters said the man has been harassing them for days.”

And people wonder why the Occupy Wall Street protesters don’t report more crimes to the NYPD.

(but only really stupid people)

John Podhoretz spends most of A Pack of Scandal Addicts: Media’s insane Cain obsession reprimanding the media for spending so much time on the sexual-harassment allegations against Herman Cain (as Bart Simpson once said, “The ironing is delicious.”). He also explains Twitter: “You can’t underestimate the attraction of Twitter to people like me who’ll always wonder whether we should have tried stand-up comedy earlier in our careers. A Tweet [sic] is basically a one-liner. ‘Take my wife — please’ was a Tweet [sic] half a century before Twitter’s creators were even born.”

John? I recommend trying stand-up much later in your career. Much, much later.

“Now you can add bigoted comments to the list of challenges facing Carsten Kengeter, the head of UBS’s investment banking operation… At the dinner with banking heads of several divisions inside the embattled bank, held to discuss strategy and rally the troops, Kengeter, 44, implored the bankers to make a more concerted effort to streamline the firm and likened the strategy to slashing expenses like a ‘Jewish shopkeeper.’”

Fun Fact: Kengeter was born in Germany, as were negative Jewish stereotypes.

MOVIE REVIEW!

Lou Lumenick gives three and a half stars to J. Edgar (“Clint and Leo ‘a dress’ the rumors in fascinating biopic”).

In honor of Kim Kardashian and Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband’s 72-day marriage, Michael Riedel writes about Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine’s 38-day marriage. Borgnine claims that during their honeymoon in the Far East, Merman “was furious that, while everyone recognized [Borgnine], nobody knew her. She had her revenge by refusing to give him some of her Kaopectate when he had diarrhea.”

“In Merman’s memoir, there’s a chapter titled ‘My Marriage to Ernest Borgnine.’ It’s followed by a blank page.”

But they looked so happy together!

“Dancing With the Stars host Tom Bergeron believes the dance show ought to pare back its schedule to one season per year from two.”

I think that’s a good start.

“Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, the stars of TLC’s popular 19 Kids and Counting, are expecting one more bundle of joy.”

In all seriousness, someone needs to solder that woman’s vagina closed.

And that’s Wednesday.

And now, I’m off to wait for the bus I have to take to get to the bus I have to take to get to the train to Manhattan.

I hate the MTA.

“Goodbye, everybody! Goodbye!”

“Goodbye!”

Let’s start with the story on the bottom. Dr. Conrad Murray was convicted of involuntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. “And with LA County’s jail system already bursting at the seams, Murray could end up with a wrist slap. For example, a three-year sentence might amount to less than six real months behind bars, several legal analysts said.”

E-he.

As for the other cover story, Sharon Bialek has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexually harassing assaulting her in 1997. According to Reuven Fenton, Geoff Earle and Kate Sheehy’s HERM MADE ME SQUIRM: Accuser No. 4 levels Cain grope claim, “[Bialek] got to know Cain at the NRA Convention in Chicago about a month before her firing… When she lost her job, Bialek said, her then-boyfriend, a pediatrician, suggested asking Cain for help. Bialek said she and Cain arranged to meet in Washington.”

Long story short, he upgraded her hotel room to a suite, had drinks with her in the hotel, took her out to dinner and then drove her to the NRA offices. Here’s what the Post says: “‘At that time I had on a black pleated skirt, a suit jacket and a blouse,’ she said. That’s when Cain began groping her, Bialek said. ‘I asked him to stop, and he did.’”

Now here’s Bialek’s actual statement — with the stuff that the Post edited out: “At that time I had on a black pleated skirt, a suit jacket and a blouse. He had on a suit with his shirt open. But instead of going into the offices, he suddenly reached over and he put his hand on my leg under my skirt and reached for my genitals. He also grabbed my head and brought it toward his crotch. I was very, very surprised and very shocked. I said: ‘What are you doing? You know I have a boyfriend. This isn’t what I came here for.’ Mr. Cain said, ‘You want a job, right?’ I asked him to stop and he did.”

How odd that the Post didn’t think those details were relevant to the story. Here’s what they think is relevant: “But [Bialek's] lawyer [Gloria Allred] bristled when The Post later asked about reports that Bialek may suffer from depression and is broke.”

At the very end of the article, the authors note that Bialek is “a registered Republican who has a 13-year-old son and is engaged, said she has no plans to sue and that she never filed a harassment complaint with the NRA because she wasn’t working there at the time.”

Gee… Bialek isn’t suing, hasn’t tried to sell her story, and says she came forward only to support Cain’s other accusers? I wonder what Andrea Peyser thinks about that. Oh, look. She’s written a piece on Bialek that takes up more than half of page 8. It’s called Jobless & shameless gal going for gold. It begins, “Gold diggers — unite! Sharon Bialek is 50, out of work and, according to one who knows her, she’s a smooth operator living way above her means. From the look of her heavily painted face, she’s also soon to be in acute need of a new tub of eyeliner. Enter Herman Cain.”

I always smile whenever this woman:

[JEDITOR'S NOTE: this used to be a photo of Mandrea's radiant outer ugliness, but the man who took it asked me to remove it. You are all in his debt.]

…says insulting things about the looks of women who are more attractive than she is. Peyser really and truly hates women. All of them. Here’s a picture of Bialek from her press conference.

Good call on the eyeliner, Mandrea. Bialek has waaaaaay too much on.

“Bialek pranced into the Friars Club yesterday with lawyer — who else? — Gloria Allred aboard patent-leather do-me pumps. She proceeded to spill a dirty little secret she claims to have harbored these last 14 years — presidential front-runner and fellow Republican Herman Cain made a pass at my junk!”

She pranced, she wore “do-me pumps” and screamed that Cain made a pass at her junk. Peyser is like an autistic Sherlock Holmes.

“She [accused Cain] with the breathy giddiness of a gal who’s read too many bodice-rippers. Bialek, who had her bleached-blond hair set in waves for the occasion, recounted with a broad grin the night back in 1997 when she flirted like a tart with the ‘inspirational’ Mr. Cain.” She once called him inspirational! Ipso facto, she wanted him to force her into blowing him! And she bleaches her hair — even her hair is a lie!

“On the advice of her ‘boyfriend,’ she proceeded to stalk Cain to Washington, ostensibly to hit him up for a job.” Actually, she spoke to Cain and he asked her to meet him in Washington. Wait… is that what stalking means? No wonder Silk Stalkings got canceled after only eight seasons!

“Then, said Bialek, Cain, who she remembers wore a suit jacket, no tie — I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast — drove her to the offices of the National Restaurant Association, which, as far as I know, were closed for the night. In the car, she said, he went caveman.”

1) Were you sexually assaulted while you ate breakfast, Mandrea? If not, I can understand why you aren’t constantly reliving in your mind every detail of your morning meal.

2) Cain was the president of the NRA at the time. If the offices were closed, I’m fairly certain he had a key.

3) Calling Cain a caveman is racist.

“Now, I love a good romantic farce as much as the next bored housewife. But the question remains: Why sit on this seeming sexual assault for 14 years?” Asked and answered, dummy. She wouldn’t have ever come forward if not for the way Cain was dismissing the other women’s accusations and insisting he’d never act that way. Did you even watch the press conference?

“According to someone who knows Bialek: ‘She has a very infectious personality. It’s easy to see how she won [Cain] over. But the reality of her situation is — she’s a complete gold digger. It’s all about the money… This is a lady who lives off the system. She is hellbent on finding a way of never having to work and living the lifestyle she wants to live, a very affluent lifestyle. In my next life, I want to come back as her.’”

What a great friend this (alleged) person is!

“The sad part is that Bialek has a 13-year-old son who must live with the shame and media scrutiny.” Says the shrew who has spent the rest of her column ridiculing his mother as a tramp and a liar.

“The last decade and change haven’t been so good. Bialek is unemployed, has a son. Her boyfriend’s long gone.” She’s engaged, you idiot! And you know where I learned that? From the article next to yours!

But I can understand why you’re a little frazzled, Andrea. After all, it must be hard being married to a man who might be the most violent pedophile in our nation’s history.

“[In Paris], armed French bandits stole more than $1 million worth of copies of the new blockbuster first-person shooter Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.”

That gives me a great idea for a video game… the most meta video game ever…

I found a video of Anatoly Moskvin’s apartment in Nizhny Novgorod. He dug up the corpses of 29 women (between the ages of 15 and 25), dressed them up like dolls and kept them on display.

I shan’t be posting that video.

You’re welcome.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), Hugh Hefner didn’t like the photos of Lindsay Lohan from her Playboy shoot — he wanted them to be less Kate Moss and more Marilyn Monroe. So she did a re-shoot.

“This weekend, Lohan was accompanied by lawyers, agents and publicists who, sources said, ‘gave their two cents about what was considered “nude” and what was not.’ Sources said Lohan ended up delivering the Monroe-inspired images Hefner wanted.”

Lindsay as Marilyn? What a completely original idea, Hef!

“She’s expected to appear nude, but ’strategically covered up’ in certain shots.”

It’ll be just like watching The Spice Channel!

Cindy Adams still isn’t dead.

“Egyptian embalmer wrapping King Tut for another exhibition: ‘Out of gauze. How do we feel about Scotch tape?’” (rimshot)

“New Japanese restaurant Kobeyaki. Man requests a takeout menu. In this modern world, he’s told: ‘Sorry. We have none to give you — but it’s on the Internet.’” (gunshot)

Laurel Babcok (who is probably actually Laurel Babcock) and Lorena Mongelli have an update on that severed baby’s foot that was found in Queens: “[The medical examiner] yesterday determined it was actually a bear’s claw.” Their follow-up is three sentences long. Reuven Fenton’s original piece was 18 paragraphs.

Only in the New York Post, kids, only in the New York Post.

“An Italian art historian has discovered the profile of a smiling devil — complete with horns and a hooked nose — hidden among the clouds in a fresco by famed painter Giotto that’s located in the Basilica of St. Francis of Assisi.”

Um… since when is “a hooked nose” a sign of the Devil? Do I have to call Abe Foxman?

B’also? It looks like the top half of the face is positioned behind a bare ass.

Rich Lowry ’s Why America No Longer Builds Big complains that Obama is taking way too much time to approve the Keystone XL pipeline (“the administration has been dragging TransCanada, the prospective builder of the pipeline, through a review process involving about a dozen agencies and a cast of thousands”). Whines Lowry, “Keystone XL already meets every possible standard. Obama wants ’shovel ready’ jobs… Building Keystone XL will create thousands of construction jobs.”

Ah, but how many thousands, Rich? Is it the 20,000 TransCanada originally claimed? Or is it the amended 6,500 that they now insist it will create? And what about the 250,000 total jobs that the pipeline would create — you know, the figure that included “dancers, choreographers and speech therapists”?

For some reporting on the pipeline from someone who isn’t an idiot, try the incredibly radical left-wing National Catholic Reporter.

Michael Tanner writes, “It has become fashionable to ridicule the idea of the rich as ‘job creators,’ but if the rich don’t create jobs, who will? How many workers have been hired recently by the poor?”

I don’t know, Mike. But I do know that the Koch Brothers have fired tens of thousands more people than the poor. People aren’t ridiculing the idea that the rich can create more jobs, its that they aren’t (despite the GOP constantly referring to them as job creators).

The editorial ‘Occupy’ Goes Big-Tent claims the Occupy Wall Street protesters are now afraid of each other. “And they’re certainly right to fear one another: Sexual attacks and other crimes have become daily sport at Zuccotti, as Candace Giove reported in Sunday’s Post.” Actually, her name is Candice Giove. And speaking of Ms. Giove, my wife made a very astute observation about the photo of her in front of her tent:

You know what you won’t find on the ground in Zuccotti Park? Parking lines. Did this poor excuse for a journalist stage this photo? Anyway, please continue.

“As we said last week, this fiasco has gone on long enough. The city has a right — indeed, a duty — to shut it down. It’s long past time it does so.”

As you said last week, and the week before, and yesterday, and Sunday…

Frank J. Fleming’s It’s Media Love — Not Bias satirically argues that “the media’s double standard” (against conservatives and for liberals) is actually tough love! Get it?

“Would the Tea Party be better off if it were allowed to be violent and destructive? Of course not.” Do you see what he did there? Do you? He’s saying that OWS is violent and destructive and no one in the media is criticizing them! Satire-riffic!

I cannot wait for Frank’s e-book (Not Worth the Paper It’s Not Printed On*)!

* I may have gotten the title wrong.

Alana Goodman’s All the Paranoia That’s Fit To Print criticizes The New York Times for running an editorial that suggested that the GOP is “committed to doing nothing in the hopes that the failing economy will cost President Obama his job in 2012.” Retorts Goodman, “The notion isn’t just cynical, it’s paranoid.”

Cynical, paranoid, and true.

I would like to commend the Post for their two-page obituary for Joe Frazier. Not using the headline DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER! was an unexpectedly classy move.

Rest in peace, Smokin’ Joe.

And that’s… today!

I’m all caught up — just in time to fall behind again. I’ll be working 12-hour shifts for the next three days, but I’ll post what I can when I can.

Have a great week!

Jimmy Breslin wrote a piece about Occupy Wall Street for the Daily News which ran on Saturday.

It’s a refreshing counter-balance to the yellow journalism I read every day in the Post. Do yourself a favor and read it (by clicking here).

And now, the Post.

I don’t care about football.

“New York regulators approved hikes averaging 8 percent in health insurance premiums for next year following requests by the companies. The firms had sought an average increase of 12.7 percent… Last year, the state approved a 10 percent increase. Insurance companies sought an average increase of 14 percent.”

Good thing we don’t have a public option, huh?

Fun Fact: Health Now/Blue Cross asked for an increase of 6.5% and got it. Oxford asked for 19.4% and got 8%. Aetna asked for 14% and got 4.3%.

One of John Lennon’s teeth was sold at auction last Saturday night. Canadian dentist Michael Zuk bought it for $31,200. Here’s a picture of it:

Zuk is reportedly hoping to use it to show his patients the importance of flossing and avoiding Yoko Ono.

Fredric, You Dicker U. Dicker and Chuck Bennett’s EXCLUSIVE on page 4 (It’s Wall your fault: Low-bonus bummer for state tax haul) begins, “The struggling economy has slimmed down the salaries and bonuses of many Wall Street fat cats that state coffers are taking a huge hit.” I’m offended by their use of the term “fat cats.” Goldman Sachs employees are earning an average of just $390,000 this year (it was $430,000 last year) and JPMorgan Chase employees are making an average of only $360,000 (it was $370,000 last year). How the Hell are these poor souls supposed to get by on just $360,000 – $390,000 a year?

“‘A lot of Wall Street people are really scared and worried,’ said another source. ‘They know their incomes are coming down because of the bonus cuts. They know thousands more may be fired. They’re worried about Europe, which they think could collapse, and they’re being victimized by the Occupy morons, who are being encouraged by the president.’”

The Occupy morons. Classy. Oh, and those bonus cuts? They’ve been slashed to a paltry average of $100,000.

I’ve sorry my wife and I donated all of those clothes to the protesters. It sounds like the people they’re protesting need help, too.

“Cooperstown, home to the Baseball Hall of Fame, has thrown hydrofracking supporters a curve — with a local law banning the controversial practice… And nearly three dozen other municipalities may follow suit.”

“The oil and gas industries insist that state law trumps local ordinances.” And they should know, since they write most of our laws.

There are two anti-Occupy Wall Street pieces on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, today on pages 12 and 13), each with three credited writers. The first piece notes that “the number of vagrants, criminals and wackos squatting in [Zuccotti Park] has soared since the protest started Sept. 17.” I haven’t read that since yesterday!

The other piece (It’s crime all the time at Zuccotti Park) begins, “Tent City is becoming Camp Crime.”

Let’s all watch this again, shall we? Just to remind ourselves why there are protesters in Zuccotti Park.

Carl Campanile’s Pay potties pooh-poohed informs us that Mayor Bloomberg’s plan to install 20 public pay toilets has been flushed shelved due, in part, to “community opposition” (“others worry that the Department of Transportation project will attract vagrants and crime to their neighborhoods”).

Because if there’s one thing that draws vagrants and criminals like moths to a flame, it’s pay toilets.

Reuven Fenton’s Tot’s foot found on Qns. lawn: Neighbors chilled begins, “A man taking out the garbage at his Queens home yesterday night made a horrifying discovery — a child’s severed foot on the lawn. Police believe it belonged to a 3- or 4-year-old whose gender was not immediately clear.”

Don’t worry. I’ve already read tomorrow’s paper. It isn’t a child’s foot.

Can you spot Sally Goldenberg’s typo?

“The city Department of Environmental today will introduce a four-year efficiency plan expected to slash future hikes.”

Mike Vaccaro follows up on the Jerry Sandusky story and how Joe Paterno might be somewhat culpable for some of Sandusky’s actions.

“The most damnable of the charges against Sandusky stems from a 2002 incident in which a Penn State graduate assistant walked in on Sandusky as he was allegedly engaged in an act with a 10-year-old boy. The grad assistant, horrified by what he saw, called his father, who told him to tell Paterno. Paterno, in turn, reported what he was told to school authorities.” But not the police.

Bonus Points: Jerry Sandusky’s autobiography was published in 2001.

Touched by Jerry Sandusky.

In Cain’s slip is showing: Sex-rap fallout, S.A. Miller reports that Herman Cain’s popularity has slipped from 66% to 57% due to the two three four five women who have come forward with allegations of sexual harassment.

That’s a loss of nine(-nine-nine) percent.

Andrea Peyser’s Skank Trio plays the tramp card is about Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian and Mariah Yeater (who you may recall were labeled SKANK #1, SKANK #2 and SKANK #3 in a two-page spread a few days ago). The woman-hating Peyser briefly recaps the recent news regarding these three women (Lindsay and Kim get two sentences, Mariah gets three) before ending on a non-sequitur worthy of Cindy Adams: “They let skanks out in daylight?”

Justin Bieber is taking a DNA test in two weeks. I sincerely doubt Yeater’s baby is his. BUT if it is, will Mandrea apologize to her? Methinks not.

The hard-to-look-at wife of a suspected child molester also tells us that “it’s time to shut down the Zuccotti Park crime scene” in her Time to pull the plug on the thugs.

This is a photo of Mandrea and her husband. She’s trying to smile. He’s thinking of children.

It takes Cindy Adams only six sentences to mention Lindsay Lohan.

And far too long to die.

Republican Bert Mathes, 34, is running for town justice of Barre in western New York. He is running against the incumbent, Democrat John Henderson, 73. Henderson is Mathes’ grandfather.

Nice family values there, Bert.

Elberon, New Jersey’s Ken Robinson writes in to declare, “If you are on the fence about the legitimacy of the Occupy Wall Street protesters, their silence regarding [Jon] Corzine and MF Global should leave no doubt as to their true raison d’etre.”

Damnit, he’s right! The fact that OWS hasn’t held a press conference about Jon Corzine is proof of their illegitimacy!

Well, it was fun while it lasted. Shut ‘er down, boys.

And that’s Monday.

More to come…