Hall of Fame for Jerks

UNMAID: Blabber hurts case vs. DSK (and the follow-up on pages 4 and 5, GABBY MAID DOOMS OWN CASE) may seem familiar to readers of the Post (and/or this blog). “Furious DA sources yesterday told The Post that if there had been any doubt that hotel housekeeper Nafissadou Diallo would be destroyed on the stand with her already-wildly varying accounts of what happened between her and Dominique Strauss-Kahn, there is no more — after she doled out even more conflicting statements during a round of interviews to ABC and Newsweek on Monday.”

If you make it to the 24th (of 28) paragraph of Laura Italiano, Larry Celona and Dan Mangan’s piece, you’ll read this: “Diallo claimed that one of the reasons she went public was to contradict claims by sources who told The Post that she had been working as a hooker. ‘I’m not’ a prostitute, Diallo told ABC News. ‘I’ve made some mistakes, but that doesn’t mean… this man tried to rape me. He tried to rape me. It’s not the same thing,’ she said.”

The Post puts unsubstantiated claims on their cover (at least twice) that Diallo is a prostitute (that she has been for years and that she continues to be one while in the DA’s custody), she goes public to dispute those claims, and then the Post gets to laugh about how doing so may have destroyed any chance of her getting the justice she seeks.

I’m still waiting for this horrible newspaper to apologize.

“Peninsula Hospital, one of two medical centers in the Rockaways, is reportedly set to close because of troubled finances.”

Can you believe there are people in this country who don’t think we have the best healthcare system in the world?

“Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz was fined a stinging $20,000 yesterday for taking his wife [Jamie] on two freebie foreign trips [to Holland and Turkey] — and he tried to justify the travel by claiming that the ‘first lady of Brooklyn’ should be viewed in the same league as the nation’s globe-trotting first lady, Michelle Obama. The audacious claim was shot down by city ethics officials. ‘The comparison is inapt,’ scoffed Administrative Law Judge Kevin Casey.”

Here’s a photo of the Markowitzes:

Immediately after this was taken, Marty swallowed the bird whole.

“Opponents of same-sex marriage filed the first lawsuit against the New York state measure yesterday, attacking politicians who allegedly violated open-meetings laws — and had the nerve to turn off their cellphones. A coalition of clergymen, under the umbrella of New Yorkers for Constitutional Freedoms, wants the Marriage Equality Act thrown out, arguing that state senators cut illegal back-room deals.”

No pun intended, I’m sure.

I love that the name of your group isn’t legally obligated to reflect what it stands for.

(waves miniature American flag)

The father of Anders Behring Breivik (Jens David Breivik, who hasn’t seen Anders in the last 16 years) spoke to the Swedish newspaper Expressen about his son.

“How could he just stand there and kill so many innocent people and just seem to think that what he did was OK? He should have taken his own life, too.”

Really, Jens? Are you sure you want to use the word “too” and not “instead”?

In a related story, Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg was quoted as proclaiming, “Evil can kill a person but never conquer a people” (in response to the tragic actions of Breivik). And Crown Prince Haakon said, “We have the power to meet hate with togetherness. We have chosen what we stand for.”

Which is a little bit classier and more inspiring than George W. Bush’s post-9/11 “Go shopping.”

Bob Gorrell’s political cartoon in Page Six (today on pages 10 and 11) features a naked Obama with a dollar bill (with DEBT CEILING written on it) covering his genitals. The caption reads: THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES.

So… the debt ceiling is a non-issue? Obama is hiding behind the debt ceiling? Obama is having intercourse with the debt ceiling? Vague political cartoons are the best.

Incidentally, I went to the Web site above Gorrell’s signature (GORRELLART.COM), but I couldn’t find any art there. Just mediocre cartoons.

Also in Page Six is this gripping tale: “Katherine Heigl caused quite a stir at a Saturday performance of The Book of Mormon. A spy reports the star and her mother arrived 20 minutes after it started, and guests seated in her row had to get up. Ten minutes later, her husband, Josh Kelly, showed up, and they had to move again to let him get to his seat next to her. Attendees also said the Grey’s Anatomy actress ‘wore big dark sunglasses and discreetly bent down and puffed on an electronic cigarette during the show.’”

Celebrities… so like pus.

“Star Jones was horrified when she was served with court papers at her book signing at Bookhampton in East Hampton on Saturday by ex-husband Al Reynolds.”

I wish I could have seen that. Just to find out what such a horrifying face looks like when its horrified.

Cindy Adams speaks to Steve Guttenberg about his new gig — acting in one of the three one-act plays that make up the new Relatively Speaking. Can you wrap your head around that? Cindy can’t.

She says, “Next up [for Steve] is Relatively Speaking, three one-act Ethan Coen, Elaine May, Woody Allen stage comedies. Actors also include Julie Kavner and Marlo Thomas. Previews begin September at the Brooks Atkinson. [Steve says,] ‘Our really talented director, actor John Turturro, is a craftsman with a free flair who gets on with creative people.’ Yeah, yeah. But you’ve done 60 films. What exactly is this thing?”

Steve explains that he’s in Woody Allen’s one-act (Honeymoon Hotel). Cindy has no follow-up questions. Tune in tomorrow to see why I say Cindy can’t grasp the concept of an evening of (three) one-act plays.

Cindy also provides a quote from Don Cheadle about his new movie, The Guard… which also features Brendon Gleeson… OH MY GOD. WAS SHE AT THE FRIARS CLUB WHEN I WAS THERE ON MONDAY? DID I MISS THE CHANCE TO MEET MY ARCH-NEMESIS?

Sigh.

On page 21, David K. Li gives us Spat sent Amy on a bender. See if you can spot the glaring error in the accompanying photo:

If you said, “That isn’t Amy Winehouse?” then you’re smarter than everyone at the New York Post who saw this before it went to press.

Ikimulisa Livingston’s Koch backs Republican tells us that Ed Koch is backing a Republican — just like he said he would in the July 12th issue of the Post.

I think I’m the only person who reads the Post with any semblance of concentration.

Michael A. Walsh’s Bam’s Desperation: Speech exposes his true motive begins, “President Obama likes to present himself as the only adult left in Washington, but last night’s televised address to the nation had more than a whiff of childish desperation about it. It’s clear: The only thing that matters to him right now is not the fate of the country but his re-election.”

What the Vulcan Muppet neglects to mention is that Mitch “Yertle” McConnell has said (on more than one occasion) that the GOP’s #1 priority is jobs jobs jobs making sure Obama is a one-term president. So what he’s doing here is criticizing Obama for what he (erroneously) perceives as his intentions, while ignoring that the GOP has publicly admitted to having those intentions.

Stay classy, Michael.

I turn the page and see Hang Tough, GOP, an editorial that ends with “Bottom line: It is the GOP that’s putting principle over politics, by addressing the root causes of America’s unsustainable debt — runaway spending.”

Rather than criticize this embarrassingly partisan piece, how about I link to a piece (one of many, I’m sure) that exposes the GOP for the hypocritical douchebags they are? You’re welcome.

I am inducting Marlboro, New Jersey’s Dan Clemens into the Hall of Fame for Jerks. Here’s the letter than secured his place:

“The looming debt crisis is merely the tip of the iceberg that is slowly drowning the United States in a sea of malaise. And the fault does not lie with George W. Bush, the financial institutions, Boehner, Harry Reid or Nancy Pelosi. The fault lies with one man and one man alone — President Obama. Right now, even Jimmy Carter looks good to me.”

Who needs facts when you can make insane declarations like that? This is for you, Dan (from the New York Times):

Tell Rush I said hi.

The page 31 piece Negative for Imax reports that Imax Corp.’s stock fell 13% after a Stifel Nicolaus analyst (Ben Mogil) said, “We believe the estimates for Imax for [the second half of 29011] are too optimistic.”

I agree. Any company that’s thinking 27,000 years into the future is waaaaaay too optimistic.

Here’s why I don’t want to pay for tickets for The Book of Mormon (nor do I want any non-multi-millionaires to buy them for me): “The best seats are between $302 and $477.”

$954 to see a show with my wife? And have to get up every time a Heigl shows up?

Feh.

According to Bets on Sheen ‘Men’ Death, an Irish bookmaker (Paddy Power) is taking bets on how Charlie Sheen is written out of Two and a Half Men.

“Elopes with Bertha the maid” is paying 250:1.

I have to believe that at least a handful of my friends know people at CBS (if not that particular show). I encourage them to convince Chuck Lorre to rewrite the new season’s premiere so that we can all become millionaires.

Please let me know if and when this happens.

And that’s yesterday. And now, two mo’ rehearsals.

Happy Hump Day!

(6/25/11 Vol. II)

Minority Leader Mitch “Yertle” McConnell has proclaimed that Obama has to choose between tax hikes and a bipartisan agreement. “He can’t have both.”

However, he did indicate that he might consider some tax hikes if Obama helps him get some lips.

According to the Department of Transportation, from July 2010 to July 2011, they’ve filled 400,000 potholes in New York City — a new record (they [allegedly] filled 395,000 the previous year).

I would be impressed if I didn’t see gaping potholes all over Brooklyn (and, come to think of it, Manhattan).

Say hello to Kailash Singh, the world’s smelliest man.

He stopped washing himself in 1974 after a guru told him that doing so would guarantee him a powerful son.

He went on to have seven children — all girls.

I wonder if the Indian word for “son” is similar to the Indian word for “scent.”

We have another inductee to the Hall of Fame for Jerks: Henry Newman!

The Bronx resident writes, “Here we go again with President Obama’s premature withdrawal of our troops from Afghanistan. The Democrats are snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, just as they did in Vietnam.”

I wish Henry’s father had performed a premature withdrawal. The Democrats are the reason we lost the Vietnam War? Is/was he even in the armed forces?

Well, at least we agree that Afghanistan and Vietnam have a lot in common.

Us Weekly and TMZ are reporting that MTV is considering replacing the cast of Jersey Shore after they finish filming Season 5.

But where will they find other mildly-retarded and promiscuous alcoholics with anger issues?

(he asked sarcastically)

That’s the rest of yesterday’s paper — except for this:

Geoff Earle writes, “House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) and Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) bailed out of the Biden talks, insisting there was no point continuing without Obama’s involvement.”

This is the first (and only) time that that reason was given for the GOP’s walk-out. I heard (from Mitch McConnell and others) that it was the Democrats’ insistence that there be some tax hikes.

Luckily, Eric Cantor clears this up in tomorrow’s paper.

Which I will write about… soon.

Happy birthday to Derek Jeter, Jason Schwartzman, Mark McKinney, Peter Lorre and my father (though not necessarily in that order)!

Pelosi demands Weiner quit over his dirty laundry:

HUNG OUT TO DRY

See what they did there? If not, here’s the first sentence of accompanying text: “Congressman Anthony Weiner stinks a little too much for the Democrats.”

Bonus Points: “[Weiner] remains defiant even as more teen ‘friends’ were revealed.”

Implying someone is having inappropriate relations with underage girls sure is fun, right, husband of Andrea Peyser and possible child molester, Mark Phillips?

“Walmart is reportedly eyeing the Bensonhurst waterfront for its first Big Apple store.”

This is great news for the Chinese companies who make most of the crap sold at Walmart.

Michael Goodwin’s Dem dam of silence breaking explains that Nancy Pelosi’s recent comments have “end[ed] any chance [Weiner] can survive in Congress.” B’also? “If [Weiner] has a whit of sense left in his twisted head, he’ll drop the sham of a leave of absence, resign and slink off into his personal nightmare.”

“Even by the low standards of government, his behavior is so far out of bounds that it was obvious he had to go.” Why did Goodwin switch to the past tense? Beats me. But even more amusing is the absence of David Vitter’s name. Surely, Goodwin is even more outraged about a Senator who ordered prostitutes from the House floor, right? Especially one whose party continues to fundraise for him, right?

(sfx: crickets)

According to Page Six (today on page 12), “People magazine is paying Kim Kardashian more than $1 million for exclusive coverage of her engagement and wedding.”

See? Print isn’t dead — it’s just suffering from severe dementia.

Former New York Giant Michael Strahan and an elf Eddie Murphy’s ex-wife (Nicole Murphy) cut a PSA in support of gay marriage.

The owner of the Giants (Steve Tisch) is reported to be following suit.

However, if you want to see Tisch’s PSA, you’ll have to pay $50,000 for a Personal Seat License first.

Abdullah Mohammed, 51, was arrested for slashing the neck of William Perry, 70, in the Pathmark supermarket in Harlem. Apparently Perry stepped on Mohammed’s foot so, naturally, he stabbed Perry in the neck.

Don’t scoff — you know you’d do the same thing.

“Mohammed was arrested and charged with assault.”

Wait… what? Assault? He stabbed a 70-year-old man in the neck! If that isn’t attempted murder, what is?

Over on page 16 (today on page 16), we’re told that “Twice in recent weeks, the United States gave Pakistan specific locations of insurgent bomb-making factories, only to see the militants learn their cover had been blown and vacate the sites before military action could be taken.”

Hey, I have an idea! Let’s stop giving Pakistan aid! And also stop telling them anything about anything!

They’re almost as bad as Saudi Arabia.

“An atheist group buying ad space on the sides of buses is cross over $36,000 in ‘vandalism’ insurance fees the Central Arkansas Transit Authority is demanding. The Coalition of Reason said in a lawsuit the bus company fears the devilish reactions the anti-religion ads might inspire. The $5,000 worth of ads read, ‘Are you good without God? Millions are.’”

I encourage all (any?) intelligent Arkansans to go out and vandalize all pro-religion bus ads. To make a point, mind you, not because I find anything wrong with liars preying/praying on the weak.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have another inductee into the Hall of Fame for Jerks! May I introduce… Bill Warren!

“An eccentric California salvage diver is fishing for proof that al Qaeda overlord Osama bin Laden is really dead. Bill Warren, 59, has vowed to scour the north Arabian Sea to find the corpse and deliver photographic evidence that he was killed.”

“‘I’m doing it because I am a patriotic American who wants to know the truth. I do it for the world,’ Warren told The Post… ‘The Obama administration should have released the photo, like we did with Billy the Kid, or [John] Dillinger, or even Saddam Hussein,’ said Warren. ‘I have a Russian girlfriend, and she tells me that over there, in intelligence circles, they don’t believe bin Laden’s really dead.’”

1) Those are not by any definition “intelligence circles.”

2) I am confidant that your Russian girlfriend loves you for who you are and is certainly not just after your money. Exhibit A:

3) Good luck on your sea hunt, you c-unt.

Michael Riedel’s IT’S A SMASH!: How Broadway became a billion-dollar business concludes with a brief discussion of The Book of Mormon. See if you can find the subtle mistake in this sentence: “And its producer, Ann Scott Rudin, is one of the most powerful people in Hollywood.”

Give up? The answer: Ann Scott Rudin doesn’t exist. Scott Rudin produced The Book of Mormon. If you do a Google search for “Ann Scott Rudin,” you get Riedel’s article — and nothing else.

Oops.

The editorial Tweetin’ Tony’s Dodge mocks Anthony Weiner for “seeking a ’short leave of absence’ while he gets ‘professional treatment.’ Treatment for what? Post-Traumatic Tweet Disorder? Hitting on 17-Year-Olds Syndrome?” Oddly enough, the answer to this can be found on page 4 of today’s paper in Annie Karni’s Behind cyber-sex ‘cure‘, which includes explanations from sex-addiction therapist Joe Kort and Chris Taylor, the president of of the Association of Addiction Professionals of New York. But I digress.

“‘He needs this time to get healthy and make the best decision possible for himself, his family and his constituents,’ said a spokeswoman. Himself? Well, sure. That’s what he’s all about, anyway.”

Good point! And while we’re at it, how stupid is that Julius Caesar quote, “Veni”?

Bonus Points: The editorial takes issue with Weiner “having any kind of an unsupervised relationship with an unrelted minor.” But who’s to say that they were unrelted? Sadly, we’ll never know for sure because “unrelted” isn’t a word.

Kyle Smith (almost) outdoes himself in Why sex scandals matter: No, it’s not less important when a Democrat does it.

“Picture an undercover Republican oil lobbyist finding out about Weiner’s predilections and chatting him up on Facebook. ‘Oh, Congressman, the liberal platitudes you spew on Bill Maher make me so hot!!!’ The next thing she knows, she’s been rewarded with one of Weiner’s frankfurter pictures. Suddenly she has a lot of power over a sitting US lawmaker. She could threaten to go public. Being a fiendishly clever member of Evil, Inc., she wouldn’t be so dumb as to demand Weiner suddenly start voting like a Republican. More likely, she would simply wait for the right moment to ask him to slip in one of those billion-dollar rule changes — a golden asterisk — that nobody will ever notice in a 2,000 page bill. And politics gets a little bit more corrupt, a little less transparent.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Anthony Weiner MUST be expelled, but David Vitter can remain.

The other examples Smith cites: John Edwards and Bill Clinton. Can anyone tell me what Weiner, Edwards and Clinton have in common? I’ll give you a hint: It rhymes with “Bear ball Bemocrats.”

“For every Weiner, Schwarzenegger or Edwards, there is someone like Teddy Roosevelt or Ronald Reagan — men who never humiliated their wives.”

Technically, Schwarzenegger is a Republican (in name only, as they say), but he’s also (technically) a Kennedy. He’s also not the only Republican who humiliated his wife (See: Newt Gingrich, John Ensign, Randy Hopper, Roy Ashburn, Mark Sandford, Vito Fossella, John Bryan, Larry Craig, and many, many others you can read about here). But Kyle is nothing if not a partisan hack.

“Sorry, liberals, but the point has been proven yet again: Character matters.” No it doesn’t, Kyle. If it did, you’d be unemployed.

Richard Price’s WE DISSED A GIRL: Katy Perry’s parents condemn her lifestyle while cashing in on her eternal damnation is an amusing analysis of how Keith and Mary Hudson tour the globe whining about how their daughter has fallen from grace.

My favorite part is the revelation (no pun intended) that one of the catchphrases in Keith’s sermons is “I kissed God — and I liked it!”

See what he did there?

I also enjoyed pastor Ray Toms’ claim that “Keith has a real passion for young people, and you can’t deny that his methods work.”

Actually, I can think of one glaring exception to that, Ray. And her name is Katy Perry.

Look! Over on page 53! It’s a rash! It’s a venereal disease! It’s…

ASK ASHLEY!

I’ve been dating a guy I really like for about six months. He has the absolute worst teeth. I like him and I don’t want to be totally vain, but I really, really want him to fix his embarrassing teeth. He’s successful, so I know he has the money to do it. How do I broach this subject sensitively? — Madeline, TriBeCa

ASHLEY: “I’d wait for a time when you’re in an intimate state — maybe Saturday or Sunday morning in bed after you’ve woken or been sexually intimate.”

ME: “You are a shallow asshole.”

I got my bikini area lasered and it’s all bare save for a patch up front. The guy I’ve been seeing has said openly that he hates the trend of grown women ‘looking like little girls down there.’ He doesn’t know what I’ve got going on yet, but is sure to find out when we go away together next weekend. What should I do? — Kim L., Chelsea

ASHLEY: “Well, unless you live under a rock, the bare trend has been around for years. I guess I mistakenly assumed most men have embraced it by now!”

ME: “Even if you live under a rock, the bare trend has been around for years. So has child abuse, racism, farts and Larry King. Some people like these things, others don’t. He doesn’t like shaved lady junk, you do. Even if you were willing to compromise, you can’t thanks to a laser. So either call Sy Sperling’s wife or cancel that weekend getaway.”

Considering Weinergate, do you consider sexting cheating?

ASHLEY: “I think I’ve covered this before, but in my book, any sort of emotional connection with someone other than your partner is cheating. It’s only a matter of time before flirtation texting leads to sexting, leads to meeting, leads to real sex-ing. You get the ‘It’s just no good’ point?”

ME: “Hmmm… there’s no credit attributed to this seven-word question… and it’s written by a moron (‘I know I just said considering, but I don’t believe that I can think of a better word to use than consider‘)… so I’m going to go ahead and declare this Ashley’s way of offering her opinion despite no one asking for it. Now, does everyone who plays first-person shooter video games eventually kill someone? Does every LARPer attempt to run someone through with their sword? Does everyone who plays Mafia Wars wind up in the Mafia? To some, escapism is just that. I, myself, entertain thoughts on a daily basis of firebombing the MTA, but I can promise you that I would never actually go through with it. I’m happy to keep my fantasy life in the Land of Make Believe. And you have no proof that Anthony Weiner intended to ever actually meet any of the women he sexted with. Do you get the ‘be quiet, you filthy whore’ point?”

“Mets revelation Dillon Gee quickly has grasped the significance of the upcoming 10th anniversary of the 9-11 attacks. During the offseason,Gee, whose father Wayne is a firefighter in Fort Worth, Texas, participated in the FDNY Training Academy on Randall’s Island.”

Dillon’s pitching record for the year is 7-0. And, in honor of the aforementioned anniversary (and because he is a New York Met), he will finish the season 9-11.

And that’s Sunday.

I’m heading into the city for another rehearsal, but I’ll try to be fully caught up by tomorrow afternoon.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is back on the cover (MAID MEN: DSK hires all-guy staff to tidy up townhouse). Apparently, he’s bi-sexual.

Bonus Points: One of the “all-guy staff” (of two) is the latest person to be featured in the Post for standing in front of 153 Franklin Street.

Mega-Bonus Points: The 74-year-old former chairman of Egypt’s Bank of Alexandria, Mahmoud Abdel-Salam Omar, has been charged with “sexual abuse, unlawful imprisonment, forcible touching and harassment.” He was staying at The Pierre hotel on Fifth Avenue when he asked a 44-year-old maid to bring tissues to his room at around 6:00 p.m. on Sunday. Once she entered, he locked the door behind her and “allegedly grabbed her breasts and began kissing her on the lips and neck.” She managed to push the bathrobed millionaire away, telling him, “I’m not up here for that.” He asked for her phone number. She gave him a fake one and he let her go.

The maid “ran directly to a manager to report the alleged attack. But the manager told her she had to tell her own supervisor, who wasn’t working at the time” More like sucky Pierre, am I right?

“The woman reported the attack yesterday and… experienced NYPD detectives found the complainant to be credible.”

Also on today’s cover: Bartolo Colon (he threw a 4-hit complete game against the A’s yesterday; the Yankees won 5-0) and Snooki (because sex — even the sloppy, disease-ridden kind — sells).

Snooki’s a wreck in Italy reports that the “reality” “TV” “star” drove her car into an Italian police car last night and “put two Italian police officers in the emergency room.” She was driving a Fiat Multipla (since the first day I saw her, I was afraid she would one day Mutipla).

My favorite part of the article is the last paragraph: “Driving in Florence has been an ongoing problem for [Jersey Shore] cast members, who had racked up more than $400 in traffic fines there even before last night’s crash.”

On May 15th, the Post reported that they had “racked up $375 in traffic fines while tooling around Florence.”

Yesterday, Nick Pisa and Ginger Otis Adams claimed that the cast had “racked up three parking tickets totaling $350.”

As many as 400 500 400 500 400 cops applaud the Post’s attention to details.

(garbage = confidential documents, forest = the Internet, the two trees = World Trade Center, Pogo’s tail = Arab Spring, flowers = Palestinian settlements, Pogo’s shirt = ugly)

For some weird reason, the Post’s Anthony Weiner follow-up (on page 4) contains no penis puns (Weiner cops out, hires att’y). It does, however, contain this: “Political opponents seized on the incident and compared Weiner to married former upstate GOP Rep. Chris Lee, who quit last year after being caught trolling for dates on Craigslist. Then Weiner’s backers questioned why conservative blogger Dan Wolfe, who had been hinting about Weiner scandal for weeks, appeared to be the only person to have noticed the dirty image and retweeted it.”

Do you remember when newspapers reported facts instead of parroting innuendo and groundless accusations? Me neither.

Weiner’s response? “Look, you’ve got Republicans… playing games with the debt limit. You’ve got a Supreme Court justice who is refusing to recuse himself despite conflicts of interest. We have a health-care act that is under siege. This is a distraction. I get it. I was hacked. It happens to people. You move on.”

If only.

Who wants to bet that the headline for tomorrow’s follow-up is E-PROBLEM FOR WEINER GROWS?

The NYPD has been cracking down on José Andujar, 43, for selling “Obama condoms” in Times Square.

He has been arrested three times in the last year for “unlicensed peddling.”

According to the Post, Andujar’s “slick sales pitch” is: “It’s the election, erection for your protection.”

On the one hand, three of those words do, in fact, rhyme. On the other hand, that makes absolutely no sense.

“Hackers have cracked PBS’ Web site — apparently posting a story claiming slain rapper Tupac Shakur was alive in New Zealand.”

Political opponents immediately seized on the incident and compared PBS to married former upstate GOP Rep. Chris Lee, who quit last year after being caught trolling for dates on Craigslist.

The title of the Post’s piece on yesterday’s various Memorial Day ceremonies (Vets, pols brave heat to remember fallen) bothers me. Yes, “brave” can be used as a verb. But I think it works better as an adjective for the fallen.

[WARNING: The following is extremely graphic. If the bolded headline below bothers you, skip to the next piece.] There are a lot of really, really disgusting details in Doug Auer and Helen Freund’s Upper East sex fiend attacks woman, 85. I won’t share them all, but the basic story is:

A “tattooed thug, in his mid-20s, grabbed the victim on the corner of Madison Avenue and East 83rd Street and dragged her to a sunken stairwell at a brownstone half a block away. The man, seen on surveillance video with his arm around the defenseless senior’s neck, forced her to perform oral sex before taking off with her jewelry.”

I miss frontier justice.

According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), Courtney Love recently said, “I don’t understand the Hamptons. I feel like it’s the band Muse. I’ve never gotten into Muse. You can’t just listen to one song. I’m like eight albums behind.”

She insists that she is no longer a drug user, which makes statements like this even scarier.

Page Six also asks, “Which right-wing politician’s spouse bats for the other team? The pol’s Bible belting can’t keep the other half from the gay bars.”

I’m going to guess… Todd Palin.

Wow.

Damn it.

Cindy Adams didn’t die over the holiday weekend. She begins today’s column with “Blot the suntan oil, holiday’s over, get into gear, pay attention, I have much to say:”

Among the much she has to say? “Oprah’s network doing some reality thing on Tatum O’Neal’s life…”

It seems like only November 1, 2010 that Oprah made that announcement.

“Anthony Weiner’s new political pudding is a crock of tapioca.”

Can someone ask their grandparents what that means for me?

“Guys at a Third Avenue bar dreamt they saw all the Sports Illustrated models in 3-D. That’s their apartment — 3D.”

Get. In. The box.

It’s been a long time since I inducted anyone to the Hall of Fame for Jerks, but Cynthia R. Fagen’s piece on Ben Shapiro’s new book (Primetime Propaganda) has inspired me.

In his book, Shapiro complains that M*A*S*H “promoted pacifism,” that Happy Days contained an anti-Vietnam subtext (“‘If you really look for it, you can find it,’ the writer says.”), and that Friends co-creator Marta Kauffman admitted to him that, “When we did the lesbian wedding, we knew there was going to be some flak. When we cast Candice Gingrich as the minister of that wedding there was a bit of a ‘fuck you’ in it to the right wing.” (Candice is Newt Gingrich’s lesbian sister).

But the thing that made me angry enough to induct Shapiro was his claim that Sesame Street promotes a left-wing agenda. “Shapiro complains that after 9/11, Sesame Street execs tried to teach youngsters that conflicts should be resolved peacefully — implying that the United States should negotiate rather than go to war.”

Shapiro writes, “Sesame Street tried to tackle divorce, tackle ‘peaceful conflict resolution’ in the aftermath of 9/11, and had Neil Patrick Harris [a gay actor] on the show, playing the subtly named ‘fairy shoeperson.’”

You know who else (allegedly) “tackled peaceful conflict resolution”? Jesus Christ. Why don’t you write a book about his left-wing agenda, Ben? Oh, right. Because then someone would kill you.

While looking for a photo of Mr. Shapiro, I found this:

Fuck you, Ben Shapiro. And welcome to the Hall of Fame for Jerks.

Weird BUT true reports “The goofy hat worn by Princess Beatrice to Britain’s royal wedding… has been sold on eBay for $131,000.”

Maybe they should change the name of this sidebar to Weird BUT reported over a week ago.

The Boston Red Sox are now 30-24 (.556). The New York Yankees are 29-23 (.558).

Which means we’re back in first place in the AL East.

But we’re playing Oakland again tonight and Freddy Garcia is pitching. Last year he was 0-1 against Oakland with an ERA of… 33.75.

(hooks finger into collar, pulls on it)

This has to be a joke.

“Moviemaker George Lucas says he has 50 hours worth of the long-anticipated Star Wars live-action TV series already shot — but is awaiting a technological breakthrough before the show can make it to TV.”

What is he waiting for? Television sets that improve dialogue?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Almost all of page 65 is devoted to Sean Daly’s BAD DAD: Ryan O’Neal comes off as villain in docu-soap, which discusses Tatum and Ryan O’Neal’s new show on OWN.

I hope someone shows it to Cindy Adams (so she learns about the “reality thing” Tatum O’Neal is doing… and because there’s a chance that the person showing it to her will trip and accidentally smother her to death).

And that’s Tuesday.

B’also? Why don’t you visit The Nietzsche Family Circus? It randomly pairs a Family Circus cartoon with a Friedrich Nietzsche quote to great comic effect.

Enjoy what remains of your Tuesday!

HALL OF FAME FOR JERKS INDUCTEE #2

Lizz Winstead posted a link to a sports column Mark Whicker wrote on Monday for the Orange County Register. It’s in phenomenally poor taste (basically, he’s recapping the big sports stories of the last 18 years for Jaycee Dugard, the girl who was held against her will and raped and forced to bear two children by her assailant). Note the last line of the column.

Here’s the article. The comments that run below it on the OCR site are pretty angry (not to mention the ones that were taken down for being too angry). On Wednesday, two days later, Whicker wrote an apology. But before that apology was published, Michael David Smith over at AOL Fanhouse published Mike’s replies to some questions regarding the article and the fallout. You can read that here.

I love that he’s “quite surprised” by how offended people were by his column. Here’s his apology.

Hopefully he won’t have a job much longer.

The Republican senator said something yesterday that struck me as asinine, then infuriating, and ultimately both. He called my BFP’s healthcare plan, “the first step in destroying the best healthcare system the world has ever known.”

Senator Shelby? Fuck you. Not because you’re a Republican or because you’re from Alabama, but because I live in New York City. I’ve been to emergency rooms in Manhattan more times than anyone should ever have to. I’ve seen the misery on people’s faces at 2 in the morning. I’ve spent months (at two different points in my life) begging Oxford to let me take the medicine that I’ve used for years and not be a guinea pig just to see if they can give me something cheaper.

I’ve seen the horrors that my wife has had (and continues) to go through just to get treatment for the cancer she was diagnosed with. Which they wouldn’t have found if they hadn’t removed the thyroid that they discovered was crushing her windpipe. Which Teresa has complained of for roughly a decade or two with each one telling her it was nothing to worry about.

They might not have been so blase if they thought her insurance carrier would approve the tests necessary to properly diagnose her without fighting tooth and nail to save a buck. Or maybe they would. Or maybe, in Alabama, everyone is healthy and there’s just no need for fancy medical what have yous, and that’s because of you, Dick, and I should kneel to your infinite wisdom. Or maybe, as you read this, your neighbor is defecating on your driveway.

Shelby further warned (on Fox News Sunday, don’tcha know) that a government plan that would compete with private insurers “can destroy the marketplace for health care, and it will be a mistake, and the American people better be careful in what they want.”

Fuck you, Dick. I read these quotes on page 12 of today’s “paper.”

On page 16, there was a story about Todd Johnson, 42. He was in diabetic shock (though he didn’t realize he was diabetic) and was rushed to Interfaith Hospital and placed on a gurney and ignored for seven hours.

Well, ignored is a harsh word. He passed in and out of consciousness and tried to leave and get help elsewhere TWICE. Each time, he’d collapse outside and get brought back in by security. Put on the gurney. Not given insulin. Not given a glass of water despite obvious signs of dehydration. Just put in the corner to be dealt with later.

He was a co-owner of Bed-Stuy’s Le Starving Artiste Cafe. He had a loving family. And in March of 2006, he died on a stretcher because his insurance wasn’t as good as someone else’s. Because unlike my wife, he didn’t have someone by his side, demanding that someone actually LOOK AT HIM.

Remember that woman at Kings County Hospital? The one who waited in the ER for roughly A DAY before keeling over and dying? The one who was also completely ignored by staff as she withered away, alone in a crowded room?

And you have the nerve to tell me that I don’t want the marketplace for health care to be destroyed, you miserable shit? I should be concerned that Pfizer might not be able to charge people $40/pill for medicine they might need to live? Are you kidding me?

In all seriousness, I hope that members of your family who aren’t covered by what I’m sure is your full-coverage senatorial plan have need of doctors in an immediate way. I hope that your flippant attitude hits a brick wall when you hear your grandchild weeping into the phone that no one is bothering to look at her sick infant. That all they do is insist she fill out paperwork. That they need to get confirmation from her plan and it will take hours for an approval, which she might not get. I hope your epiphany chokes you into a lucid coma where your testicles constantly itch and you can only shed tears and soil linens.

What my wife and I have had to deal with in the last year is despicable. And we HAVE insurance. Oh, it’s costing us enough money each year to have a second smaller apartment, but it’s better than most other plans out there.

But the system is horribly broken. Possibly irreparably. The insurance companies aren’t going to voluntarily lower their rates. They’ll keep raising them (bigger profit margin, you see. Makes the stockholders who benefit from our infirmities reeeeeeeal happy, you see.) and we’ll beg to pay them. Because we don’t want to end up on a gurney in a corner begging for help.

Congratulations on your induction into the Hall of Fame for Jerks, Dick.

And look who’ll be waiting for you in Hell! Your old pal, Saddam!

Are you… holding hands with Mr. Hussein, Dick? Does anyone in Alabama know about this? Or evolution?