Videos

We closed early today, so I went to Target to see if I could find Teresa a nice treat. Memo to self: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN (especially on December 24th but also, ever).

So I went down 5th Avenue (in Brooklyn, not Manhattan), got some Chinese take-out and have settled into bed for an old-school Christmas like I used to have when I was single:

(Teresa is at our friend’s Christmas party but the MTA and my job are not conducive to my raging in Williamsburg tonight)

I didn’t make a holiday wage at my not-in-a-Seattle-movie-theater job (which I actually enjoy), but other than that this song feels especially appropriate.

Also, I drank vodka all day and wound up naked in front of the patients.

Happy Holidays!

Yea, verily, this made me laugh.

I really like Al Franken.

One of the only American politicians who doesn’t make me furious.

Al Franken, ladies and gentlemen.

He’s funnier than most, he’s smarter than most, and (doggone it) we need more people like him.

Maggie Gallagher has a special Thanksgiving message for you.

Those are actually her words, that is actually her hair.

Getting over a bad cold and spending a quiet day with my wonderful wife, who I am eternally grateful for.

Happy Thanksgiving, ya turkeys!

This is the cover in the Post’s cover archives:

But the one I got has a much darker picture:

It also has a thumb.

Yes, the NYPD raided Zuccotti Park (a few hours after I left my clinic’s grand opening) and evicted everyone that was there. Here’s some video that was shot in front of my clinic:

There are a lot of other videos, but most of them are shaky and/or have bad sound (that’s what happens when Mayor Bloomberg doesn’t let professional journalists and news crews in to do their jobs). Lots of screaming, lots of protesters being punched, thrown to the ground, bloodied… but the Post devotes almost all of pages 4 and 5 to Breasts, but no bust, for Zuccotti Pk. gal’s naked aggression. Laura Cavanaugh’s photo alone takes up more than half of page 5:

(The caption is 99% NUDE: A cop locks his eyes forward yesterday as an Occupy Wall Street protester bares her, um, grievances in Zuccotti Park.)

“Despite the fact that it is against the law in New York City to expose your genitals — an act punishable by summons or arrest — NYPD officers completely ignored the woman — instead focusing only on gawkers who stopped to take photos, ordering them to move along.” Even the police recognized that this was a non-story, but it still gets more coverage than last night’s raid.

B’also? The Post names Bill Csapos, 57, a disabled construction worker from Tennessee, first as an “organizer” of OWS and then as “the leader.”

And Erik Kriss’ slim article next to the photo of the naked lady (DA lets Albany ralliers slide) begins, “State Police are making good on Gov. Cuomo’s vow to arrest Occupy Albany protesters who defy the curfew at a state park at the Capitol, but the district attorney is refusing to prosecute the cases.” And who is that DA again? “David Soares, the ultra-liberal Democrat whose campaign for office was bankrolled by lefty billionaire George Soros.” It’s important to know that George Soros funded Soares’ campaign because Soros is evil because he’s very rich and uses his money to help politicians he agrees with. Not like those nice Koch Brothers, who the Post has never written (and will never write) an unkind word about.

Patti LaBelle is being sued by a neighbor [Roseanna Monk] who claims that the singer shouted profanities at her so loudly that it frightened her 18-month-old “so badly she suffered ‘personality changes, sleep disorder’ and ‘increased fear of strangers’… [Her daughter] was crying so hard she vomited, Monk said.”

[insert joke about LaBelle "wigging out"]

Jerry Sandusky’s attorney, 63-year-old Joe Amendola, “was the attorney on Mary Iavasile’s emancipation petition filed Sept. 3, 1996, just weeks before her 17th birthday… That’s approximately when Iavasile became pregnant with Amendola’s child.”

The prosecution rests.

The MTA is claiming that their brilliant plan to remove garbage cans from a handful of subway stations is a success.

“‘So far we are not seeing a greater amount of trash [left behind],’ said New York City Transit President Thomas Prendergast… ‘The number of bags that we generate [for removal] is down about a third.”

So there’s only two-thirds as much garbage in stations that have no garbage cans. Only the MTA could call that a success.

In a somewhat related story, there have been 200% more rapes and 300% more burglaries on subways in 2011 than there were in 2010.

Keep up the incredibly shoddy work, guys.

Page Six (today on pages 20 and 21) refers to Michael Moore as “the ‘1-percent filmmaker’ who’s under scrutiny for owning a lavish lakefront home in Michigan and a Park Avenue pad.”

What does Moore’s net worth have to do with the argument he’s making? In fact, wouldn’t a person demanding higher taxes on the wealthy be considered more noble if he was wealthy?

This is a terrible newspaper.

More MTA news!

Nancy Shevell “skipped the boring old MTA committee meeting yesterday after a weekend of globetrotting with hubby Paul McCartney.”

Why is she still on the MTA’s board? Does anyone know? Is it because the rest of the board cares just as little as she does?

Over on page 36, Geoff Earle reports (in an article smaller than the Sudoku puzzle next to it) that Sharon Bialek’s ex-boyfriend (Dr. Victor Zuckerman) has come forward to corroborate her claim that she was sexually harassed by Herman Cain.

In a related story, Carl Campanile reports that Cain told GQ magazine that “A manly man don’t want [a pizza] piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.”

Cain is becoming the kind of candidate that most people would like to throw a beer at.

Rich Lowry’s ‘Lazy’ Isn’t America’s Problem begins, “President Obama was wrong to say at the Asia-Pacific economic summit that America has gotten ‘lazy’ in the last few decades at attracting foreign investment.”

That sentence is full of words. Rick Perry? Can you translate it for me?

“That’s what our president thinks wrong [sic] with America? That Americans are lazy? That’s pathetic.” So says the governor of Texas. But is that really what Obama said? I’ll let Lawrence O’Donnell take it from here.

Why do I have a hunch that most of the people who read the Post (and watch Fox) will come away from articles like this one thinking that Obama called them lazy?

The editorial Time’s Up, Children applauds Bloomberg’s raid last night, calling it “a long-overdue fumigation of the festering mess at Zuccotti Park.” It further justifies the mass eviction with “Threats to disrupt rush-hour subway service appeared on fliers around Lower Manhattan. Just who was responsible for them wasn’t clear…”

…but kudos to Bloomberg for assuming it was a credible threat and that it was made by Occupy Wall Street.

“But the fact is that no right — the First Amendment included — is absolute.”

Unless it’s the right to bear arms.

The PULSE section features a three-page piece on what the best new toys are this season and who you should buy them for. For example, Ugly Ted is a teddy bear “so ugly that he’s actually adorable. And so is his message — to teach kids to treat others with love and respect, no matter who they are or how they look.” And who does author Wendy Straker Hauser recommend you buy Ugly Ted for?

“BUDDING POLITICIANS.”

And that’s Tuesday.

More to come…

“Penn State fans defiantly supported their fired coach Joe Paterno yesterday, chanting ‘JoePa!’ during the Nittany Lions’ 17-14 loss to Nebraska.” I find it amusing that the Post is chastising college students for their blind allegiance to Joe Paterno while continuing their blind allegiance to the GOP and their failed policies.

Stones, glass houses, pot, kettle, etc.

“The Bronx’s largest gay-rights group [Bronx Pride] is unfurling its rainbow flag tomorrow at its new headquarters — ironically located in a building funded by, and named after, the city’s No. 1 gay-marriage opponent, state Sen. Ruben Diaz [the Rev. Ruben Diaz Gardens].”

This makes me so happy.

“Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi resigned yesterday.”

Farewell, grotesque lech. We hardly knew ye. But still we knew too much.

Candice M. Giove’s EXCLUSIVE on page 8, Dollars and dissents: OWS costs local biz … $479,000! begins, “It makes no cents. The Occupy Wall Street movement has cost surrounding businesses $479,000 so far, store owners said.” The store owners don’t offer any proof to back up that figure, but who needs proof when you’re writing a story for the New York Post?

Bottom line: The OWS protesters are all filthy and ignorant and costing honest businesspeople lots of money.

Case closed!

B’also? I just saw this (NSFW) video on Facebook. It’s well worth 15 minutes of your time:

“Actress Piper Laurie describes Ronald Reagan — who played her dad in a movie and then bedded the 18-year-old virgin off the set — as an insensitive ’show-off’ in bed in her new memoir, Learning to Live Out Loud.”

“‘It was my first love affair,’ she said. But the bedroom romp later that night was ‘without grace. He made sure I was aware of the length of time he had been “ardent.” It was 40 minutes,’ she writes. ‘And he told me how much the condom cost.’ Then, sensing Laurie was less than enthused by the experience, he insulted her. ‘There’s something wrong with you. You should have had many orgasms by now — after all this time. You’ve got to see a doctor,’ he said.”

No wonder the GOP considers Reagan a hero — when today’s middle- and lower-class complain about getting fucked by the policies of the GOP, the GOP tells them they’re crazy and they should actually be grateful.

“Thousands of New Yorkers may have been exposed to cancer-causing drinking water aboard a flotilla of luxury cruise liners, according to a bombshell report. A defective paint was used inside water tanks on as many as 50 ships owned by Royal Caribbean, Norwegian Cruise Line and other companies, according to the Sunday Times of London.”

The manufacturer of the paint (Hempel) was able to hide the fact that the paint was “capable of leeching the toxin acrylonitrile — a tumor-causing probable carcinogen — into the water” because of a court order designed to “gag whistle-blower Brian Bradford.”

“Bradford discovered a black residue on tanks, told Norwegian Cruise lines about it, and was axed.”

I wonder if I can sue the Post for sending me on that cruise years ago…

“A Japanese toilet maker has built the Neo, a part-motorcycle, part-porcelain throne that is powered by sewage and includes a giant roll of TP on the back.”

I found a picture of it at Oddity Central:

Imagine driving down a highway and being flagged down by someone who begs you to crap in his motorcycle.

(Fun Lie: That was the original chorus of John Lennon’s “Imagine.”)

Page Six is on page 16 today.

“Seven New Yorkers have filed claims totaling $27 million against the city and the MTA for injuries caused by cracked sidewalks on a 14-block span of the Upper East Side, where construction of the Second Avenue Subway is under way.”

And they’ll get at least half that.

And the MTA will use that as an excuse for the inevitable delay of the line’s completion.

ASK ASHLEY!

Money has been super-tight lately. I feel pretty comfortable during budget-tightening times. I like brown rice enough, and cheap beer is fine by me. I’ve just started dating a girl I really like, and I want to be able to do special things for her. She’s down to earth, so it’s not like she’ll bolt if I don’t go all-out, but I’d still like to impress her. Do you have a couple of suggestions for knock-her-socks-off dates that won’t make me go broke? — Glenn, Williamsburg

ASHLEY: “The good news is you can totally impress her using just your charm and a little brainstorming.”

ME: “The bad news is you’re incapable of brainstorming, which is why you’re asking a hooker for dating ideas.”

ASHLEY: “It’s not so much where you go or what you do. If you two are compatible, it will make Shake Shack your own personal Babbo.”

ME: “Only a prostitute would select Shake Shack as a place to have a cheap, romantic date. It’s always crowded, it’s overpriced and it isn’t as good as the hype… just like Ashley Dupre’s vagina. (rimshot)”

A cute guy has asked me out a few times via Facebook and text. Each time I say, sure. Then he disappears until I get another message from him weeks or months later saying, “We never went out. Are you still game?” I feel like Charlie Brown having the football pulled away. He just reached out again. Do I reply? — Bella, Fort Greene

ASHLEY: “Yes, reply, but carefully.”

ME: “No, unless you take pride in being a doormat.”

Chazz Palminteri claims that his love of the New York Yankees prevents him from ever wearing another team’s paraphernalia. Ever.

“There were a couple of movies where they wanted me to wear a Mets hat and I said ‘no.’ And the director was really insistent and I said, ‘Look, get somebody else. I can’t wear the hat.’ And they said, ‘Chazz, you’re a character. It’s not you.’ I said, ‘I can’t put it on. I can’t do it’… I couldn’t put on another uniform unless it was a Yankee hat or a Yankee uniform. I swear on my mother and father I couldn’t do it.”

I’m going to watch A Bronx Tale again, to pay tribute to this wonderful man. And also to see that actor who’s in prison for robbing a house with the guy who shot a cop as they were escaping.

And that’s Sunday.

More to come…

Victoria Jackson is so offensively stupid, it makes John Boehner cry.

More to come…

Last night was the grand opening party of the place I work. My co-workers and I tied balloons around our storefront and hung banners. As we did, I noticed what seemed like an inordinate amount of police cars. But I was told that that’s what the NYPD have been doing every night. Just before we went inside (at around 5:30 p.m.), I saw a group of men (I remember thinking they were sanitation workers despite being in street clothes, but now I can’t remember why) see their friend (or co-worker) in the street and tell him “not to stay out too late.” They all laughed.

I thought it was weird that a policewoman stopped by our party (which was supposed to end at 8:00 p.m.) at around 8:30 to see when we planned on closing.

I honestly felt something in the air when I went home at around 9:15. Zuccotti Park seemed quieter than usual to me. Maybe this is why:

What am I going to see when I get out of the subway at Cortland Street on Tuesday morning? Will I still be able to smell the tear gas and pepper spray? Is there any damage to my office? I’m watching the Global Revolution livestream, but they aren’t at Zuccotti Park right now.

I’ll get to work early and try to take some pictures.

I work across the street from Ground Zero. I work across the street from Zuccotti Park.

I work on Liberty Street.

“Goodbye, everybody! Goodbye!”

“Goodbye!”

Jimmy Breslin wrote a piece about Occupy Wall Street for the Daily News which ran on Saturday.

It’s a refreshing counter-balance to the yellow journalism I read every day in the Post. Do yourself a favor and read it (by clicking here).

And now, the Post.

I don’t care about football.

“New York regulators approved hikes averaging 8 percent in health insurance premiums for next year following requests by the companies. The firms had sought an average increase of 12.7 percent… Last year, the state approved a 10 percent increase. Insurance companies sought an average increase of 14 percent.”

Good thing we don’t have a public option, huh?

Fun Fact: Health Now/Blue Cross asked for an increase of 6.5% and got it. Oxford asked for 19.4% and got 8%. Aetna asked for 14% and got 4.3%.

One of John Lennon’s teeth was sold at auction last Saturday night. Canadian dentist Michael Zuk bought it for $31,200. Here’s a picture of it:

Zuk is reportedly hoping to use it to show his patients the importance of flossing and avoiding Yoko Ono.

Fredric, You Dicker U. Dicker and Chuck Bennett’s EXCLUSIVE on page 4 (It’s Wall your fault: Low-bonus bummer for state tax haul) begins, “The struggling economy has slimmed down the salaries and bonuses of many Wall Street fat cats that state coffers are taking a huge hit.” I’m offended by their use of the term “fat cats.” Goldman Sachs employees are earning an average of just $390,000 this year (it was $430,000 last year) and JPMorgan Chase employees are making an average of only $360,000 (it was $370,000 last year). How the Hell are these poor souls supposed to get by on just $360,000 – $390,000 a year?

“‘A lot of Wall Street people are really scared and worried,’ said another source. ‘They know their incomes are coming down because of the bonus cuts. They know thousands more may be fired. They’re worried about Europe, which they think could collapse, and they’re being victimized by the Occupy morons, who are being encouraged by the president.’”

The Occupy morons. Classy. Oh, and those bonus cuts? They’ve been slashed to a paltry average of $100,000.

I’ve sorry my wife and I donated all of those clothes to the protesters. It sounds like the people they’re protesting need help, too.

“Cooperstown, home to the Baseball Hall of Fame, has thrown hydrofracking supporters a curve — with a local law banning the controversial practice… And nearly three dozen other municipalities may follow suit.”

“The oil and gas industries insist that state law trumps local ordinances.” And they should know, since they write most of our laws.

There are two anti-Occupy Wall Street pieces on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, today on pages 12 and 13), each with three credited writers. The first piece notes that “the number of vagrants, criminals and wackos squatting in [Zuccotti Park] has soared since the protest started Sept. 17.” I haven’t read that since yesterday!

The other piece (It’s crime all the time at Zuccotti Park) begins, “Tent City is becoming Camp Crime.”

Let’s all watch this again, shall we? Just to remind ourselves why there are protesters in Zuccotti Park.

Carl Campanile’s Pay potties pooh-poohed informs us that Mayor Bloomberg’s plan to install 20 public pay toilets has been flushed shelved due, in part, to “community opposition” (“others worry that the Department of Transportation project will attract vagrants and crime to their neighborhoods”).

Because if there’s one thing that draws vagrants and criminals like moths to a flame, it’s pay toilets.

Reuven Fenton’s Tot’s foot found on Qns. lawn: Neighbors chilled begins, “A man taking out the garbage at his Queens home yesterday night made a horrifying discovery — a child’s severed foot on the lawn. Police believe it belonged to a 3- or 4-year-old whose gender was not immediately clear.”

Don’t worry. I’ve already read tomorrow’s paper. It isn’t a child’s foot.

Can you spot Sally Goldenberg’s typo?

“The city Department of Environmental today will introduce a four-year efficiency plan expected to slash future hikes.”

Mike Vaccaro follows up on the Jerry Sandusky story and how Joe Paterno might be somewhat culpable for some of Sandusky’s actions.

“The most damnable of the charges against Sandusky stems from a 2002 incident in which a Penn State graduate assistant walked in on Sandusky as he was allegedly engaged in an act with a 10-year-old boy. The grad assistant, horrified by what he saw, called his father, who told him to tell Paterno. Paterno, in turn, reported what he was told to school authorities.” But not the police.

Bonus Points: Jerry Sandusky’s autobiography was published in 2001.

Touched by Jerry Sandusky.

In Cain’s slip is showing: Sex-rap fallout, S.A. Miller reports that Herman Cain’s popularity has slipped from 66% to 57% due to the two three four five women who have come forward with allegations of sexual harassment.

That’s a loss of nine(-nine-nine) percent.

Andrea Peyser’s Skank Trio plays the tramp card is about Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian and Mariah Yeater (who you may recall were labeled SKANK #1, SKANK #2 and SKANK #3 in a two-page spread a few days ago). The woman-hating Peyser briefly recaps the recent news regarding these three women (Lindsay and Kim get two sentences, Mariah gets three) before ending on a non-sequitur worthy of Cindy Adams: “They let skanks out in daylight?”

Justin Bieber is taking a DNA test in two weeks. I sincerely doubt Yeater’s baby is his. BUT if it is, will Mandrea apologize to her? Methinks not.

The hard-to-look-at wife of a suspected child molester also tells us that “it’s time to shut down the Zuccotti Park crime scene” in her Time to pull the plug on the thugs.

This is a photo of Mandrea and her husband. She’s trying to smile. He’s thinking of children.

It takes Cindy Adams only six sentences to mention Lindsay Lohan.

And far too long to die.

Republican Bert Mathes, 34, is running for town justice of Barre in western New York. He is running against the incumbent, Democrat John Henderson, 73. Henderson is Mathes’ grandfather.

Nice family values there, Bert.

Elberon, New Jersey’s Ken Robinson writes in to declare, “If you are on the fence about the legitimacy of the Occupy Wall Street protesters, their silence regarding [Jon] Corzine and MF Global should leave no doubt as to their true raison d’etre.”

Damnit, he’s right! The fact that OWS hasn’t held a press conference about Jon Corzine is proof of their illegitimacy!

Well, it was fun while it lasted. Shut ‘er down, boys.

And that’s Monday.

More to come…