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When you find out who’s voicing the cool mule (Jackie A), it will all make sense.
Happy Saturday!
STRIKE 3
Gov lied about $6,000 Yankee World Series tix in latest scandal
The first strike was the Aqueduct deal. The second was the Sherr-una (is that name a Don Martin sound effect?) Booker scandal. The third one — the one that the Post insists demands his resignation — is that he “improperly solicited $6,000 worth of free Yankee tickets” and lied about it under oath (and then issued a backdated reimbursement check with a questionable signature on it). MORE INSIDE (unnecessarily announces the front page) including Michael Goodwin (Dave needs truth serum) and Charlie Rangel (‘Quits’ in disgrace).
Frankl, I don’t care about the Yankee tickets. Show me all of 9iu11ani’s receipts and I’ll muster some outrage. Until then, how about we focus on the actual no-foolin’ criminal activities (strikes 1 and 2)?
Al Sharpton has called another emergency meeting today in Harlem (methinks he just wanted an excuse to go back to Sylvia’s) to decide whether or not to seek Paterson’s resignation (but not to ask Smith and Meeks where all the money they raised went). Goodwin’s “article” (Dave needs defib-rillator) (which is it, Mike? does he need truth serum or a defib-rillator?) is exactly what you’d expect from Mr. Sour Badpuns (“If nothing else, the gov is The Lyin’ King.”). And Maggie Haberman’s Eliot: Why I liked ho’s fails to mention the name of the ho (hint: she’s a columnist for the Post and her name rhymes with Gashley Dupre), but does explain why Spitzer says he doesn’t want to run for office again (“I just couldn’t do that to [my family]. It would be day after day of the ugly stuff.”). Like, say, a page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, today on page 16) article titled Eliot: Why I liked ho’s.
I JUST DON’T CHAIR ANYMORE tells us that Rangel “said his departure was temporary, although most observers believe he will never return.” God, I hope they’re right. Fare-ill (my opposite of farewell), Raspy C.
Page 2’s Bam pushes pols on health: Vote already! contains the phrase “…President Obama yesterday urged Congress to jam through a health-care reform package…”
Allow with “professor” and “TelePrompTer,” “jam through” is a favorite meme of the Right (who are more often than not Wrong). “Jam down our throats,” “ram through,” “ram down our throats”… it’s a great way of implying that this is happening without the support of the majority. If only that were true.
I just had a great idea for a show on the Food Network. It would be called The Ache of Cakes and it would air immediately after The Ace of Cakes. I would eat an entire cake during the first 20 minutes and then I’d complain about how awful I feel for the last 10. It practically writes itself! Spin-offs could include The Why (Did I Just Do That) of Pie, Wary of Dairy, The Ooky of Cookies, and Making Hurts!
Page 3 informs us that Johnny Depp’s partner of 12 years (Vanessa Paradis) found out that Depp and Angelina Jolie were filming a “passionate love scene” for their new movie The Tourist and is demanding that he quit. “Sources” claim that Depp is trying to do just that and Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio are being sought as his replacement.
Nice reputation you have there, Angie.
Update: Naomi Campbell hit her driver in the face with his cellphone. He tried calling 911, she grabbed the phone and beat him with it. He pulled over and found a cop, but when they got back to the limo, Campbell had disappeared.
More update: The driver isn’t pressing charges.
What. The. F.
A coyote loose on the Lower West Side of Manhattan? Now I’ve seen everything!
The courthouse is still closed (due to Tuesday’s fire), so Lil Wayne won’t have to start his prison stint until Monday (at the earliest).
I wonder how much time he’ll get for setting the courthouse’s basement on fire…
Undercover reporting just get a whole lot annoyinger (Cab gab sparks static)!
The Post sent Amber Sutherland into one of those cabs that people share to pretend to fall asleep on a fellow passenger’s shoulder, sing karaoke, borrow a tissue to blow her nose (and then try to give it back)… well done, New York Post. Your investigation proved that people don’t like it when Amber Sutherland does those things. But you forgot to label the article an EXCLUSIVE! And a WASTE OF TIME!
An air traffic controller (Glenn Duffy) at JFK let his 7-year-old (and even younger daughter) radio instructions to five pilots over two days last month.
Feeling safer yet? Me, too!
Page Six (today on page 16) tells us that Michael Crowley “had spend six weeks following [Harold] Ford [Jr.] around.”
Huzzah to the proofreader!
Our Philadelphia correspondent forwarded me a story from the New York Times, but I was waiting for the Post to cover it before sharing it. Today they did — in their Weird BUT true section. A soldier in the Israeli army posted details of a terror raid he was to be a part of on his Facebook page, causing the raid to be called off. OMG. LOL.
(Jed Resnik likes this.)
Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger retired yesterday after 30 years with US Airways.
To commemorate the retirement, US Airways flew a plane into the Hudson.
It’s good to know that one of North Carolina’s elected officials is so concerned with jobs and health-care reform and the wars we’re fighting that he has proposed putting Ronald Reagan’s prunesque face on the $50 bill. Need I add he’s a Republican?
In a related story, this:
Maybe the GOP could change their animal from an elephant to a hippo (crit)?
B’also, doesn’t it sound like the narrator said “another Black guy on the Legislature”?
Another full-page ad from ABC on page 23.
Will Cablevision fold before the Oscars?
Cindy Adams claims that Russell Brand will star in a remake of Arthur.
Please let Liza Minnelli reprise her role! Or let David Gest do it!
Mandrea!
The city is losing some of its soul is about… the Jehovah’s Witnesses leaving Brooklyn?!?
“The city will benefit from tax revenue once [their] buildings go condo. But who will replace these quiet and industrious souls? We’ll miss you.”
Sorry. I have to stop reading this shit.
Four people were arrested at last night’s public meeting regarding MTA service cuts.
Sadly, no MTA employees were injured.
Hulu’s future in limbo after Viacom pulls plug… maybe they should charge people money for what they have left on their site! Boffo!
Lou Lumenick has an early review of Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland (Looking glass half-full). He gives it two and a half stars.
The Nets lost again last night (they were down 20 points at the end of the first quarter). I was wrong, however — their win percentage is not below 10%. It is 10% (6-54).
Their next game is against Orlando (42-20) on Friday, followed by the Knicks (21-39) on Saturday.
The Struggle For Seven Wins continues!
I want to go to a Nets game and start a “What’s! That! Smell!” chant.
Steve McMorran’s CADDIE FLACK on page 69 is almost the exact same article as BAD ‘LIE’ ENRAGES CADDIE on page 19, which was written by… Steve McMorran!
All the news that’s fit to print twice.
The Yankees’ spring training game against Pittsburgh ended with a walk-off home run from Colin Curtis (I have no idea who you are, but welcome to the Yankees, Colin!). Chad Gaudin, Sergio Mitre and Alfredo Aceves each pitched two innings. Combined, they gave up one hit.They gave up no walks and each earned a strikeout.
I loves me some baseball.
Linda Stasi on tonight’s hour-long episode of The Office: “[It] not only jumps the shark, it drowns the poor thing.”
While that isn’t technically a mixed metaphor, it also doesn’t make any sense.
Bobby Slayton has a Showtime special on tonight at 9:00 (Born To Be Bobby). He’s always been one of my favorite stand-ups. Watch it if you can. And if you can’t, might I suggest Kitchen Nightmares, you donkey?
Thanks again to everyone that has donated to Teresa and Jane’s Scrabble For Cheaters team. They’re up to $786.00! Woot!
(The rule of threes dictates that I provide the link again: http://www.826nyc.org/scrabble/cheats/team.php?team=21)
Have a wonderful Thursday!
Jay Leno has returned to The Tonight Show. I made it through the premiere’s intro (a Wizard of Oz parody) before remembering why I never watched it the last time around. Last night, Jay had Sarah Palin on to insult the POTUS and pretend she has ideas. Then she did a stand-up set. I’m not kidding.
It was absolutely painful (way to step on the “or else” punchline someone wrote for you, you idiot). I will not provide you with proof (the fewer people who see it, the sooner it will disappear from memory), but I will provide you with Howard Stern’s take on Jay Leno.
I’m amazed he didn’t ask Harry Smith to take off his top.
A quitter and a(n alleged) hitter adorn today’s cover. Naomi Campbell (allegedly) repeatedly punched her chauffeur in the back of his head while he was driving (Driving Miss Crazy), and State Police Superintendent Harry Corbitt has resigned in the wake of the Sherr-una (is that name Mesopotamian?) Booker scandal (ALL THE GOVERNOR’S MEN).
Harry did the only respectable thing he could (at this point; not trying to convince a woman to not press abuse charges would have been far more respectable, but that ship has sailed). “Governor” Paterson, on the other hand, has been begging his colleagues for “more time” as the number of people calling for his resignation continues to grow. Bonus points: Paterson may be facing criminal charges.
The Black POTUS is destroying America by forcing us to have health-care reform, the Black supermodel can’t stop abusing her staff, the Black State Police Superintendent just resigned because the Black Governor of New York made him do illegal things… anyone else?
Charlie Rangel! He’s Black, too! And he might just be resigning from his chairmanship of the House Ways and Means Committee!
Thank God all of this didn’t happen three days ago (could even Black History Month have withstood all this negative press?).
But after weeks (if not months or years) of demanding that Charlie Rangel get some kind of punishment for his many many crimes, Churlie Hurt has decided that doing what he wants isn’t good enough — if it’s being done by Democrats (Dem rats deserting beach bum Charlie).
That’s right, now that some action is finally being taken, Churlie has decided that the people taking action are rats (they’re turning against their own kind!) and snakes (“Nothing makes these people slither faster than when their own self-interest is at stake.”).
“They are fleeing from him faster than do Christians a whore in church.” ZING!
Please take the stairs, Churlie.
But back to Naomi Campbell. Somebody needs to beat the shit out of her. Seriously.
I don’t condone violence against women, but this poor excuse for a human being has been physically assaulting her staff for ten years. The only way to (possibly) make her stop is to put her on the receiving end of the punches.
Her latest victim is Miodrag Mejdina, 27, who was driving her yesterday through Midtown. Apparently, she was angry that the driver wouldn’t gossip about Naomi’s boyfriend (who Miodrag also chauffeurs). So she “thwacked him repeatedly in the head with her fist… hard enough to send his head into the steering wheel — leaving him with a bruise under his left eye.”
In 2008, she assaulted a cop and got 200 hours of community service. In 2006, she scratched her therapist’s face (charges were dropped). Four months before that, she attacked her maid over a pair of lost jeans. Three months before that, she “pummeled” her housekeeper, pleaded guilty and got five (5) days of community service. There are plenty of other incidents, but never any true consequences.
Get some of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling together and show Naomi how she makes her staff feel.
Congratulations, Gowanus Canal! You’re now a Superfund site! You’re on the EPA’s National Priorities List!
Sorry, Toll Brothers. The 450 condos and townhouses you were planning on building nearby? Not gonna happen.
The cleanup should be finished in “at least a decade.”
(waves miniature Brooklyn flag)
Thanks to the generosity of our friends and family, Teresa and Jane have raised $641.00!
Only $4,359.00 to go!
(Here’s that link again, just in case anyone feels like donating today: http://www.826nyc.org/scrabble/cheats/team.php?team=21)
Michael Goodwin!
Disaster tale
“A wire-service story included the helpful insight that Secretary of State Clinton’s planned trip to Chile was ‘overshadowed by a massive earthquake.’ Yep, it was definitely inconvenient for her.”
Yeah, fuck that bitch! She was probably all “who cares about those beige people?” And “that earthquake inconvenienced me!” Am I right, Mike?
Now that Jim Bunning has been convinced to shut up, that unemployment extension can go through. But those effected by it are “likely to be awarded back pay once the program is revived.” That’s a shame. I would have preferred that they always thought of the money they could have had access to if not for Bunning’s chest-puffing.
That would have been a nice capper for his career.
Jonah Golberg outdoes himself by savaging Obama (He’s deaf to only voice of reason in cult of lackeys) and praising… Rahm Emanuel? I guess politics makes strange bedfellows, eh wot?
Hey, Teresa! Zoolander 2 is happening!
Lil Wayne was supposed to be sentenced yesterday, but a basement fire shut down the Manhattan Criminal Court. So he went to Jay-Z’s MSG concert last night (where Young Jeezy told him “We with you 100 percent.”) instead of Rikers Island.
The system works!
Hey, Cindy Adams! What can you tell me about Maggie Gyllenhaal?
“She said she’d call 4:30 p.m. She called exactly 4:30 p.m.”
Get in the box. Now.
Page 23 is a full-page ad from ABC instructing Cablevision customers how to change cable providers.
Cablevision isn’t bending, either.
Will the Oscars air in Manhattan?!?!?
Did the Chilean earthquake actually shorten the length of our days (by 1.26 microseconds!) and forever change the tilt of the earth’s axis?
(say it with me)
Apocalypto!
Page 27 is another full-page ad from ABC urging Cablevision customers to tell their cable provider, “Lose my shows, lose my business!”
This is going to be fun to watch the progress of.
Michelle Malkin returns with A Union Fat Cat as ‘Fiscal Watchdog’ and Ralph Peters gives us Betraying Freedom in Latin America.
Neither is worth your time.
Apple is now suing Google for patent infringement, hoping to block the importation of their Nexus One smartphones.
iHave no dog in this race (iLove m’Motorola Droid).
Comedy Central will be removing The Daily Show and The Colbert Report from Hulu.com starting March 9th.
They will still be available online, just not at Hulu.
I can’t wait for Hulu to start charging money!
Congratulations, Debra Zimmerman! Not only are you the Executive Director of the nonprofit Women Make Movies, but you also single-handedl prevented Shake Shack from opening on the corner of Prince Street and Mulberry Street!
You go, girl!
Disney is making Dumbo into a Broadway musical for some reason.
What a great idea!
I never saw this coming.
Allen Iverson will not play for the 76ers for the rest of this season (and probably forever).
DJ Steve Porter? Let’s talk about practice!
Still makes me laugh every time I see it.
The Struggle For Seven Games continues tonight for the Nets (6-53). They play Cleveland (47-14).
Can the 10.2% Nets beat the 77% Cavs?
Um… no.
Hey, Teresa! HBO has ordered 10 episodes of Game of Thrones!
And David Milch has a new HBO pilot! Dustin Hoffman stars as “a career criminal just out of jail with a gambling jones.” Dennis Farina co-stars and it’s called Lucky.
Will it be another Deadwood? Or another John from Cincinnati?
New Modern Family at 9:00 p.m. tonight (plus a repeat at 8:00) on ABC.
Watch it while you still can, New Yorkers!
And happy New Comics Day!
As the kids say, this is neato slick.
(Do the kids still say that?)
I am eating a breakfast of coffee and Dean & Deluca cookies. Mama Masoni does good work.
There are two headlines on today’s cover. KILLER WHALE tells the story of a killer whale (Tilikum) that killed a trainer at Sea World. And the scorpion looked at the frog and said, “I’m a scorpion. It’s my nature, you stupid frog.” The article claims that the killer killer whale was “notorious for being difficult, depressed and usually tempermental” and that Dawn Brancheau, 40, was the third person killed by Tilikum (a 20-year-old trainer in 1992 and a 27-year-old in 1999 also died Tilikum-related deaths).
“Despite the savage mauling, officials said the cause of death was drowning.”
Tilikum must have a great attorney whale.
The other EXCLUSIVE cover story is the Screw Orleans: How NY pols left Katrina vics high and dry.
Actually, I believe that while Katrina was flooding N’awlins, most of the citizens dreamed of being both high and dry, but were neither.
The story names three women who claim that an aide to Rep. Gregory Meeks met with them and had them fill out paperwork and got their sizes for clothing, but never followed up with any kind of assistance at all. No money, no clothes, no nuthin’.
It’s stories like these that make me wish there really was a God. Because he (she?) would make Meeks and Smith and all the rest of these crooked bastards suffer. For she (he?) is a vengeful God. Amen.
“Governor” Paterson has another scandal brewing, this time over a “top aide” who was accused of brutally attacking a woman. The New York Times claims that Paterson called the woman to convince her to drop the charges.
In all seriousness, if Paterson started running through the streets of every town in the state of New York and handed out $100 bills to everyone he saw, he’d still lose the next election in a landslide.
Oh, Magoo. You’ve done it again.
Jessica Zamore-Anderson broke up with Paul Franco. So Franco changed the password to her Facebook account — and her sexual preference to gay — and demanded money to undo it (BEAUTY’S F’BOOK HIJACK ORDEAL).
Luckily, she went straight to the police and Franco was arrested.
I wonder if they’re still Friends.
Are the Jehovah’s Witnesses moving out of their Watchtower in Brooklyn?
I’d be really excited if I thought I could afford more than a closet in their headquarters once realtors remodel the offices into apartments.
The snow outside reminds me of the movie-in-the-movie Bowfinger. It was called Chubby Rain. And this precipitation is mad chubby, yo.
Tiger Woods is in rehab in Arizona, this time for an addiction to painkillers and sleeping pills.
I can’t wait for Mandrea to mock him for this.
Kelly Osbourne once told her parents (in tears), “I would rather be called ugly than be called fat.”
Luckily for her, she’s now more ugly than fat.
Marvell Scott says he’ll be “vindicated in court” because the case against him is based entirely on “the testimony of criminals and liars.”
Well, prostitution is illegal, so technically he’s right.
Could Mandrea be a more despicable shrew?
Sorry, ladies, but I want a fireman explains why she doesn’t want women to be firemen. “I’d feel a lot safer in the arms of a 6-foot man those of a 5-foot girl.” That’s right, you idiot. All women are 5′ and all men are 6′. Do you also have a race preference for the person who would rescue you from a fire (unless they recognize you)?
The accompanying photo of a (fiercely ripped) firewoman almost completely negates Mandrea’s point, but then most things do. And why is it always the people who would never be a fireman (or a soldier) that want to dictate who is or isn’t allowed to risk their lives of our behalf?
She writes about a lot of other things today, but this angered me enough to ignore the rest.
Her daughter must be so proud of her asshole mother.
Health-scare tactic warns us that the Democrats are going to “ram through their highly unpopular health-care legislation.”
I can’t wait to see what happens at today’s trap health-care summit.
Now I’m super-pissed that she’s serving less time than her victim.
Biurny Peguero Gonzalez told investigators that, if she had known she was pregnant at the time, she never would have recanted her wholly fabricated rape story. And her non-rapist would still be in prison.
Up for parole in one year = bullshit.
3-D television sets hereby exist.
They go on sale in the U.S. next month.
I can’t wait for the IMAX television sets. Then I’ll finally be able to see Avatar the way it was meant to be seen!
Gordon Ramsay cut off his fingernail during a cooking segment on Tuesday’s Ellen.
What a donkey. Here’s the clip.
Speaking of which, new Kitchen Nightmares tonight.
Yay!
And tomorrow’s Friday! And then it’s Weekend Time™!
Until tomorrow, I remain.
Wonderful… wonderful…
EDITED TO ADD: Sadly, you have to click on the “Watch it on YouTube” thingy as it is no longer available outside of that site. Le sigh. But it’s worth it, I promise.
For an actual movie. Starring the Insane Clown Posse.
The midgets are a nice touch.
Big day filled with things to do.
Which means I only have a couple of hours to write. Here goes.
Boston tea party
MASS. REVOLT!
GOP Senate win sends Bam & Dems reeling
Sigh. The Americans with (arguably) the most progressive health care system in the country have decided to pee on the grave of the man who represented them for longer than I’ve been alive. And this reflects poorly on Democrats. Because their candidate was an uncharismatic harpy who alienated her base by not knowing who Curt Schilling is and scoffing at the very thought of having to campaign for the gig.
Does this mean that health-care reform is dead? Of course not. But then, the Post has been delivering the eulogy for health-care reform for almost a year now. Are there more “Mass.” vs. “ass” puns? Yes — HUGE KICK IN THE MASS. FOR PREZ is but one of them.
And, along with Churley Hurt’s Bam, wake up & smell the disaster (“One year ago, people marveled at the magic of Obama. But the only magic trick he managed to pull off was to rescue the Republican party from the ash bin.”) and Dr. O’s bill flatlining, there’s Sexy hunk hits a big jump shot which includes a nice quote from Massachusetts gay-rights advocate Scott Gortikov (“[Brown's] not someone who even likes or tolerates gay people or their families.”). Well done, Massholes!
But in four pages of This Is The End Of All Democratic Things Forever news, the most ridiculous piece is 5 things President Obama must learn from the loss of a Senate seat in Massachusetts:
1) Don’t negotiate health care in secret and pack it with sweetheart deals. (You’re only allowed to lock the other party out of Congress if you’re a Republican.)
2) Responding aloofly to an attempted terror attack doesn’t inspire confidence. (Unless you’re reading My Pet Goat or shoveling turds on your ranch [for twice as many days as Obama waited to comment on Jim Carrey-on] — that inspires mad confidence, yo.)
3) Slow down the runaway spending, get a grip on the deficit, and focus on job creation. (Which, you know, he hasn’t done at all yet.)
4) Understand that the era of big government really is over. (Until the GOP regains power. Then all bets are off.)
5) Lose the arrogance, Mr. President. (You first, Post.)
“Governor” Paterson unveiled his $134,000,000,000 (that’s billion with a b) budget yesterday. Here are some highlights:
* A 17% “fat tax” on “sugary soda”
* Increase the cigarette tax to $3.75 a pack
* 24/7 video lottery parlors
* Allow wine sales in grocery stores
* Lift the ban on mixed-martial arts bouts
He is so not getting (re-)elected.
Hugo Hernandez, 22, decided to smoke a cigarette on a subway platform. Transit Detective Angel Cruz decided to issue Hugo a summons. Hugo decided to stab Angel in the head with a large hunting knife. Angel decided to shoot at Hugo and hit him in the ankle.
After eight months of therapy, Angel made a full recovery. On January 5th, Hugo pleaded guilty to aggravated assault. He has been sentenced to twenty (20) years in prison.
Next time? Take the summons. And leave the knife in your scabbard. Dummy.
Michael Goodwin is brimming with stupid today.
Mass. voters ‘Tea’ off on turncoat O (see what he did there?) informs us that “American voters don’t like the crap [Obama] is plopping in their food dishes.” What a great analogy.
Stand up & shout down our senators encourages New Yorkers to be as belligerent and ill-mannered as possible at City Hall today. Great advice, Mike!
Presidents take high road to help Haiti applauds George W. Bush and Bill Clinton for their “joint appeal for donations” which “is in the best spirit of America, a spirit that transcends partisan differences in a true emergency.” Then Goodwin mentions that George G.W. Bush and Jimmy Carter weren’t at the White House with Obama, George W. Bush and Clinton. Why? Well, Bush (Sr.) is 85 (“he’s slowing down”). And as for Carter? “He’s absent for a different reason. Nobody in the president’s club likes him. Good taste there.”
My favorite part about Goodwin’s diss against Carter (in a mini-piece that praises the best spirit of America, which transcends partisanship) is that he refers to “the president’s club” when he means “the presidents club.”
Actually, it should probably be “The Presidents Club,” but whatever. The point is, it isn’t the club of a president, it’s the club whose membership consists of former (and current) presidents. Which means that, even in his absence, Carter is a member.
And Goodwin is a member. But not of a club (see what I did there?).
B’also? PLEDGE TO RENEW JERSEY encourages New York to be more like New Jersey. ‘Nuff said.
Blame the (dead) victim!
Remember Vionique Valnord, 32? She was hit by Officer Andrew Kelly, who was driving drunk, and killed.
Now Kelly’s attorney claims that Valnord’s autopsy proves that she was drunk and that that proves that she was at fault, not Kelly.
So… if she wasn’t drunk, she would have been more lucid and better able to avoid the drunk cop’s car?
No further questions.
Weight Watchers is suing Jenny Craig.
The prosecution calls Domino’s. But only if they stll have that dessert pizza.
Heidi Montag had 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day?
Spencer Pratt is a lucky… prat.
Page 17 (the page directly following today’s Page Six) is a full-page ad for Bloomingdale’s.
More specifically, it’s an ad for “JEGGINGS!” which are $200 jeans that fit like leggings. Which I find stupid and ridiculous (STUPICULOUS!).
Michael Starr flexes his journalism muscle and offers Don’t bank on Fox trot, which cautions people not to assume that Conan O’Brien is going to Fox. I agree. We shouldn’t assume that. But we also shouldn’t be surprised when it happens.
Which I kind of think it will.
Consumer advocates claim that Cash4Gold pays customers roughly 11 to 29% of what their gold is actually worth. If they’re lucky.
Frank Poindexter had his gold appraised. He was told it was worth $200. Cash4Gold sent him $0.15 for it.
He complained, C4G accused him of scamming them and, after months of investigations by the Postal Service and New York and Florida’s attorneys general, he got a check for $140.15.
MC Hammer could not be reached for comment, as he had already sent in all of his solid-gold cell phones.
Ah, semantics. Is there nothing you can’t do?
Alexia Moore and Falynn Rodriguez are facing misdemeanor prostitution charges. But when the charges were written up, the allegation was that the two “ladies” “did engage, offer and agree to acts of prostitution” instead of engage, offer, or agree. They never got around to actually fucking the undercover cop so, technically, the prosecution can’t prove that the “ladies” engaged in prostitution.
Great legal system you got there, America.
“Calista Flockhart reads tarot cards.” “Kevin Costner likes to talk golf.” “A chat with Sean Penn could start with the fact that his brother was an actor, too.” “Roseanne Barr hates bores.”
Cindy Adams, ladies and gentlemen.
Whose box is getting cold.
Brooklyn!
Gersh Gofman, 83, pulled his car in front of the driveway of the home of Steve Pulwers, 99. Pulwers was taking out the trash when the doctor (whose office is located beneath Pulwers’ home) tried to enter his garage, but couldn’t because of Gofman’s vehicle. Pulwers asked Gofman to move (and the doctor repeatedly honked his horn). Gofman got out, pinned Pulwers to the ground (with his knees) and started beating Pulwers with a steering-wheel lock.
Pulwers (did I mention he’s 99?) got a broken nose and broken ribs.
“He said he was going to send somebody to cut off my balls,” Pulwers said of his attacker.
Brooklyn!
Michigan-based Trijicon manufactures rifle sights for our military. And, for 30 years, they’ve been adding codes to the sights that reference Bible quotes.
2COR4:6, for example, is a reference to a quote from the New Testament (“For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”). Which I’m sure Muslims would love to have explained to them.
Trijicon is being paid $660,000,000 to produce 800,000 rifle sights for the Marines (this is but one of their contracts).
Fun fact: There’s a law that prohibits American soldiers from proselytizing.
Funner fact: “Tom Munson, director of sales and marketing for Trijicon, says there’s nothing wrong or illegal with adding the religious references, and that the controversy is being stirred up by non-Christians.” (Well, DUH.)
Ah, love.
There’s a dating sight called SeekingMillionaire.com. If you’re a (presumably ugly) millionaire, you can find a woman who is interested in dating you (for your personality, I’m sure). Profile #160127 has been on the site for almost two years and was identified as “Bree” — a 23-year-old model from Newport Beach, California. That would be Bree Condon, who appeared in a Maxim swimsuit issue and a Guess jeans campaign. Or so profile #160127 would have millionaires believe. And they did, engaging in chats on the phone with (and receiving nude photos from) the sexy aspiring actress.
The actual Bree Condon hired a private investigator to look into the profile and what did the p.i. find? A 24-year-old man with a high-pitched voice in an Austin, Texas motel room.
[cue Boy George's "The Crying Game"]
Two celebrity deaths:
‘Spenser’ for heaven at 77 and ‘Love’ dies with Segal, 72.
Rest in peace, Robert B. Parker and Erich Segal.
Poor Bill Carroll, 43.
He’s a Jets fan. He and his girlfriend flew to San Diego to watch Sunday’s game. Carroll was arrested in the stands. Here’s the arrest:
Carroll says he drank three beers over four hours and, despite begging for a Breathalyzer test, was never given one.
The people shouting “He didn’t do anything!” are Chargers fans.
Carroll spent 15 hours in jail before being released on Monday.
He faces charges of being drunk in public and resisting arrest.
Poor Bill Carroll.
Versace is set to unveil their first “luxury mobile phone.”
Really, Versace? Really?
An editorial praising Scott Brown? Well, that’s to be expected from this rag.
But calling it Heck of a Job, Brownie! is in poor taste.
So the issue of In Touch Weekly with Sarah and Bristol Palin (and Trig and Tripp) sold about half the copies that the Brittany Murphy issue did. I just saw the cover and think I might know why.
“WE’RE GLAD WE CHOSE LIFE”
* How Trig’s Down syndrome made Sarah a “more patient” mother
* Bristol and her struggles as a teen mom and finding love after Levi
PLUS: Heartwarming family photos
(shudder)
Chrysler is recalling 24,177 vehicles “due to a potential defect in a brake system that could result in sudden brake failure.”
(waves miniature American flag)
The next adaptation of a (non-musical) movie into a Broadway musical will be… Leap of Faith? The Steve Martin movie? Really?
Also in the all-too-soon future, a musical based on Finding Neverland.
(shudder)
The Nets play Phoenix tonight.
Will they be 4-37 or 3-38 come morning?
(My money’s on 3-38.)
Bengie Molina decided that, instead of playing for the New York Mets, he’ll accept less money to return to the San Francisco Giants.
Ouch.
And now folks are saying that maybe Jason Bay’s knees are an issue, as might be his shoulders.
Double and triple ouch.
Thank God.
There will be a Jersey Shore reunion (they just taped it!). And a prequel (audition tapes and interviews from before they were “famous”). And a spin-off.
The spin-off is a dating show called Snookin’ for Love and the winner gets penicillin.
In other “reality” news based at a “music-related” TV channel, yet another VH1 “celebrity” is on trial for murder.
Jamal Trulove (I Love New York 2)is on trial for shooting (and killing) someone at a San Francisco housing project in 2007. When his episode aired the following October, the prosecution’s witness recognized Jamal.
Jamal was already a felon when he “competed” for “New York.”
Jamal joins Ryan Jenkins (I Love Money 3, Megan Wants a Millionaire) in the prestigious “I was on VH1 and also I’m a murderer” club.
Of all of the people I wish would fall down some stairs, Jeff Conaway was never one of them.
Nevertheless, he fell down some stairs yesterday and required emergency surgery. He broke his hip and an arm and fractured his neck. He also suffered a brain hemorrhage.
Was it an accident? Was it a suicide attempt? Was he pushed by that creepy lady he lives with?
Maybe Sundance needs to produce a sequel to The Staircase?
Randy Jackson has announced that, despite Paula and Simon’s exits, he will remain on American Idol.
Then he called everyone “man” and “dawg” and asked if anyone could front him bus fare home and/or “the rest of that sandwich.”
Hot damn! I still have time to shave! USA! USA!
Have a great one, kids.
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