Videos

The two pages of follow-up (GOONS OCCUPY BRAWL STREET) tell the story of a “deranged homeless man” going “on a violent, early-morning rampage yesterday.”

“The only thing that could stop Jeremy Clinch from his Godzilla-like rampage was a left hook delivered by a paranoid fellow protester who claimed to be an ex-Turkish diplomat — and charged that his assailant was carrying out a plot hatched by Mayor Bloomberg.”

“It was just the type of increasingly violent incident that has downtown residents — already bombarded by megaphones, incessant drumming, graffiti and public urination — feeling on edge as the OWS takeover of Zuccotti Park enters its third month.”

Isn’t it amazing that Kevin Fasick (or KEVINFASICK as the byline reads) was there at just the right time to videotape the fight (it’s on the Post’s Web site)? Saki Knafo thinks not. Read his rebuttal here.

Todd Venezia, Danny Gold and Carl Campanile join forces to write Mama’s boys on the rise, which begins, “Forget about ‘Go west, young man’ — today the battle cry for the younger generation is ‘Move back in with Mama!’”

“The epidemic of mama’s boys has struck both New York City and the country as a whole, as the terrible economy and massive unemployment have forced grown men back into their childhood bedrooms.”

I blame gay marriage.

Andy Soltis finally gets around to reporting on Occupy Oakland — can you guess what he focuses on? The headline offers a strong hint: Pressure cooker pops in Oakland. It begins, “More than 80 Occupy Oakland protesters were arrested yesterday after a peaceful rally turned into a violent postmidnight [sic] clash between police and masked, fire-setting, concrete-tossing vandals.”

“Hundreds of police officers flooded the area, two blocks from an Occupy encampment and fired tear-gas and deafening ‘flash bang’ grenades.”

The 16th paragraph (of 19): “Police were almost invisible during most of Wednesday as crowds of up to 7,000 people marched and rallied in what was described as a general strike.”

Thanks for the condescending acknowledgement, Andy!

Kevin Fasick is back (with Bob Fredericks) for more anti-OWS fun on page 7 with SACHS AND SEX ADD TO INSANITY.

“It’s gone from simple chaos to sheer madness. The violence and depravity continued to mount at the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, as cops busted 16 people for blocking the entrance to Goldman Sachs and an Alabama woman came forward to report another sick sex attack at Zuccotti Park.”

If you are a woman who say someone sexually harassed you in Zuccotti Park, the Post will champion you. But if you say you were sexually harassed by Herman Cain, you’re a liar and proof that liberals are racists.

Speaking of which…

“[Cain's chief of staff Mark] Block said he wants to ‘move on’ with the campaign, adding, ‘Let’s get over these things that don’t mean anything to the American public.”

“Cain kept up his defiant stance yesterday in a Daily Caller interview with Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. ‘That is the DC culture: guilty until proven innocent,’ Cain vented.”

Cain, who says he refuses to play the race card (despite insisting that all opposition to his 9-9-9 plan and all accusations of sexual harassment are based in racism), decided to sit down for an interview with the wife of Clarence Thomas — who called his confirmation hearings “a high-tech lynching for uppity Blacks.” Let’s watch Thomas say that in an ad for Herman Cain (who refuses to play the race card):

91-year-old Coney Island Bialys and Bagels was going to go out of business, but it was saved by… “Muslim businessmen Peerzada Shah and Zafaryab Ali.”

Muslims? Running a kosher bagelry? Now I’ve seen everything!

“LA Dr. Gregg Homer has conjured up a new procedure that uses a laser to permanently change brown eyes into blue ones — and has even started testing on human subjects.”

He said he got the idea from Josef Mengele.

“A brave Brooklyn woman stared down the man who allegedly raped her, as the alleged attacker, acting as his own lawyer, sat in court at his rape trial yesterday. Adam Wright is charged with raping the woman in the elevator room on the roof of her Canarsie apartment building in 2002 — when she was 12 years old… The woman testified for the prosecution yesterday and is expected to face Wright’s cross-examination today.”

There ought to be a law against that.

“Country singer Keith Urban said yesterday he’ll undergo throat surgery to remove a polyp on his vocal chords.”

That’s what he’s telling people but, really, he just needs a break from constantly denying that his wife’s plastic surgery is horrible.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), “Richie Sambora last night confirmed that he and Denise Richards have rekindled their romance.”

I wish them both the best during the next two to four months.

Today, Cindy Adams complains about holidays and hotels.

“Why’s a hanger clamped in? Who ever stole a hanger? That’s like locking a toilet. You know anyone ever stole a piece of poop?” Die.

“I’m hearing more holidays may be coming down: In 1930, Herbert Hoover stubbed his toe, shouted ‘Dam’ and they built one. Shouldn’t that be remembered? People ran for tickets when Powerball lottery hit more than $200 mil, although winning chances were 80 million-to-1. Same odds as Jennifer Lopez giving birth to Richard Simmons’ love child. Shouldn’t such a moment be enshrined?”

Four people are credited with GIVING UP THE ‘BIEBY’: ‘Justin’ vixen mulled adoption. They could have really used a fifth.

“‘She didn’t know if she was going to keep him,’ Samra Fae Stepper told The Post at her Fredericksburg, Va., home… ‘We kept asking about the father, but I didn’t press it,’ said Stepper, whose brother Anthony Simeonoff is Yeater’s stepdad.”

Fascinating.

There’s yet still more OWS-bashing from Rich Lowry on page 31 (It’ll Only Get Uglier: ‘Occupy’ primed for violence).

“It’s become clear during the past few weeks that there is a lawlessness at the heart of Occupy Wall Street. It has created little ungoverned spaces in cities around the country, into which homeless people, addicts and criminals have flowed.”

“Mere protests probably won’t satisfy the movement, though. It is a self-styled ‘occupation,’ which inherently involves taking what is not yours. It’s already ugly and will probably get more so.”

Actually, the movement is about taking back what was stolen from us. But we’ve established that you only write about current events — you rarely understand them.

And the rest of page 31 is devoted to Charles C.W. Cooke’s In New York, the Enablers Wake Up.

“There’s increasing concern that the authorities have made a rod for their own backs. ‘Are we seriously suggesting that if a jihadist or neo-Nazi group moved in, they’d have been indulged like this?’ one [community] board member asked pointedly.”

Occupy Wall Street ≠ jihadists. Occupy Wall Street ≠ neo-Nazis. And what the Hell does “made a rod for their own backs” mean?

The editorial Call the Cops, Mike is also about “the very real possibility that even greater OWS violence… will soon bubble up here.” But the Post offers a completely rational solution: “Send in the NYPD to lance the Zuccotti Park boil. Before it’s too late.”

Don’t mince words. Tell us how you really feel, terrible newspaper.

Manhattan’s Vivian Riffelmacher writes, “It’s time to send in the troops to clear out Tiananmen Square — I mean Zuccotti Park. We believe in freedom of speech and all that stuff, but protesters should never be such a nuisance.”

Um… Vivian? If Zuccotti Park is Tiananmen Square, does that mean the NYPD are anti-democracy?

Crude oil is back up to $94.07/barrel.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives three and a half stars to Tower Heist (“cunningly engineered”), three stars to Killing Bono (“a charming admixture [sic] of Goodfellas and Almost Famous“), and two and a half stars to Pianomania (“an enticing but flawed character study”).

Lou Lumenick gives one star to The Son of No One (“a laughable police melodrama… ineptly written and directed”), and three stars to both A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (“there are moments of brilliance”) and The Last Rites of Joe May (“Dennis Farina gives one of the best performances of the year”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to Young Goethe in Love (sex, violence) and three stars to Charlotte Rampling: The Look (nudity).

Linda 3Starsi reviews Logo’s Bad Sex.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Friday.

My friend Katie sent me this from my friend Rachael:

This is a picture of Rachael and Katie and our friend, Sharon (though not necessarily in that order):

They are all insane and I love and miss them much.

After I watched that video, I found this video:

Which led me to this:

And now, sleep.

EDITED TO ADD:

Ladies and gentlemen, still the GOP frontrunner.

B’also? Texas is catching up in the race for the 2011 competition to become America’s Shame.

Fuck you, Rep. Larry Taylor (R-Texas).

B’also’also? My friend Jodi Lennon was interviewed by the A.V. Club in Chicago. If you live in Chicago, go see her documentary (Marc Maron: The Voice of Something) at the Annoyance Theatre.

I worked a 12-hour day today. Tomorrow I’m working from 9-6, then I’m performing at the UCB with the insanely talented cast of Let’s Have A Ball. Then, I’m-a eat some Cuban food and go to sleep.

Have a great weekend!

Awww… but they seemed so vapid together…

“After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best,” said Kim in a prepared statement.

But her husband, Kris Humphries, allegedly found out about the divorce via Twitter. He released a counter-statement: “I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce. I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.” Poor Kris Humphries. He thinks there’s still a chance that his sham marriage can be saved.

“‘It was pretty much an arranged marriage right from the start,’ a Keeping up [sic] with the Kardashians insider told RadarOnline. ‘Kim was looking for a husband, and Kris was selected for her, amongst others,’ the insider said. ‘She wasn’t into him, but she hoped she would be able to develop some feelings, but it never happened.’” Poor Kris Humphries.

So if we take the $17,000,000 the couple (allegedly) made for their sham wedding and divide it first by the 72 days they were married, and then in half, they each earned roughly $118,055.56 for every day they spent as husband and wife.

The Post includes a list of “10 things longer than Kim’s marriage” that they selected from Twitter. Number 10 is “Minute rice.” HAHAHAHAHAHA… wait. That doesn’t make any sense. “Minute rice’s cooking time” makes sense, but “Minute rice” doesn’t.

Andrea Peyser gets in her licks with For richer, or richer: Inevitable collapse of a scam marriage, which begins, “She’s a fame whore for hire who became fabulously wealthy not for her looks, brains, sex appeal or talent. But for the super-sized quality of her protruding butt.” Um… that could actually be considered sex appeal, Mandrea.

“He’s tall, dark, athletic and exceptionally, stupendously, over-the-top dumb. The only mystery remaining is how any human so lacking in brain function could summon the ability to walk upright.” Poor Kris Humphries.

“It was a pairing born in an agent’s office, and spawned in amoral Hollywood… The marriage was nothing more than a profitable scam, one bought by heavy-set romantics who live their entire lives hoping for a shot at getting into bed with a Hump-Dashian.” Fat people are horny and stupid, and Hollywood is made up entirely of amoral (read: gay) liberal scum. Duly noted, ugly harridan.

“But within days [of the marriage], Humphries found himself on an airplane across the aisle from his wife’s sex-tape partner, Ray J. The worst came when Humphries didn’t punch the guy in the face.” Yeah, that part was the worst!

I can’t wait for Peyser’s divorce.

Scarlett Johansson told Vanity Fair that the leaked photos of her were from three years ago and were sent to her then-husband, Ryan Reynolds.

“She also said for the first time that she was the one who snapped the two nude photos.”

The Post neglects to mention that, in one of the two photos, she is clearly taking the picture of herself — as evidenced by the mirror she’s standing in front of.

The page 3 EXCLUSIVE by Laura Italiano, Frank Rosario and Bob Fredericks (OCCUPY ‘BALL’ STREET: Rush for STD tests) explains that “Occupy Wall Street protesters are flocking to nearby health clinics for STD and HIV testing after getting their freak on in ’60s-style hookups with crusty strangers, sources told The Post yesterday.”

In a related story, sources told me yesterday that everyone at the Post is required to insert a turnip in their rectum upon entering the office. And at the end of the day, the editorial staff makes a big pot of turnip soup that everyone eats before going home. And that everyone there is crusty.

“Also yesterday, a man [Felix Rivera-Pitre] who was punched in the head by a [sic] NYPD deputy inspector met with prosecutors to try to have the cop charged with misdemeanor assault.” To paraphrase Yoda, dear prosecutors, there is no try. Only do or do not. So do.

Geoff Earle reports on President Obama’s recent physical: “The president’s 10-year chance of heart disease stands at just 2 percent. He also screened negative for other top killers, like colon cancer.”

In other words, he’s healthy.

“The ‘Taxi of Tomorrow,’ unveiled by officials yesterday, includes a magic ceiling that absorbs all odors that leave New Yorkers holding their noses. The fresher-smelling ride comes courtesy of eco-friendly compounds added to the ceiling, said a rep for Nissan, which is designing the state-of-the-art taxi.”

To the Post, eco-friendly compounds = magic. Which helps explain why they portray environmentalists as hippie imbeciles.

Geoff Earle’s CAIN FEELING HEAT: Calls sex-harass charges ‘witch hunt’ quotes Herman Cain as saying, “This bull’s-eye on my back has gotten bigger. We have no idea about the source of this witch hunt.”

But we’re talking about Herman Cain, so naturally he changed his tune later that day.

Cain also said, “I’ll never know why Jesus came to love me so.” Presumably because he knows he’s going to Hell when he dies.

And he denied having any knowledge of a settlement. “I am unaware of any sort of settlement. I hope it wasn’t for much, because I didn’t do anything. It couldn’t have been very much money, or I would have had to know about it.” This paper was printed Monday night so by the time people started reading it, Cain had already amended his story to saying the women got two months’ salary. Later that day, he changed it to a full year’s salary (after more reputable media made that information public). But rather than show you clips of him talking nonsense, here’s a clip of other people talking nonsense for him.

“Can’t police no underwear.”

Page Six is on pages 10 and 11 today.

Cindy Adams remains hilarious.

“So she says to her boyfriend: ‘Talk dirty to me,’ and the guy says: ‘Madoff.’”

You know what would be even more hilarious? Cindy Adams’ remains.

Remember when Deputy Senate Majority Leader Thomas Libous (R-Binghamton) said he’d consider backing an extension to the millionaires tax (he called it “thinking outside the box”)? That was 13 days ago. Since then, the GOP made it clear that that wasn’t an option, so he went on Albany’s Talk 1300 AM radio to publicly change his mind.

“I am unequivocally against it. Thinking outside the box may include a lot of other things… We should stand firm [against the millionaires tax].”

Power to (a very small percentage of) the people!

Erik Kriss’s (EXCLUSIVE) State’s GOP in hell-rai$er begins, “While unionized state workers are getting hit with three years of wage freezes, and Gov. Cuomo and his top aides are taking 5 percent wage hikes, state Senate Republicans are doling out pay hikes to most of their Capitol staffers, The Post has learned. The pay increases, as the state struggles with budget cuts and falling revenues, average 6 percent and are worth nearly $1 million on an annual basis… Senate payroll records show that 19 Republican staffers who make six-figure salaries received raises — including the son of Sen. Hugh Farley (R-Schenectady).”

“Senate Democratic and Assembly staffers have not received raises this year.”

Remember the first sentence of this article.

The maid (Mildred Patricia Baena) who had Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child (Joseph Baena) took him to Fright Night at Six Flags Magic Mountain. He went in costume…

…as Conan the Barbarian.

His father wore it better.

“Chinese scientists believe they’ve found a way to make blood from rice. The medical advantage is that, unlike donated human blood, it won’t be able to transmit diseases.”

Would they use brown rice for minorities?

John Podhoretz’s Selfish book worms: Ruth & Bernie’s new disgrace is a half-page complaint about all of the attention the Madoffs have been getting recently. “The Madoffs are dull. The boys are dull. Their women are dull. The crooked father is dull. The mother/wife is dull.”

Having read the 17 Madoff-related articles the Post has published in the last two weeks, I wholeheartedly agree.

There are two editorials today.

Ambushing Herman Cain is notable only for this sentence: “Anonymous ’sexual harassment’ charges have been exhumed against [Cain] by Politico, the left-tilting, Web-centric press organization.”

Rather than respond myself, here’s something David Feldman posted on Facebook a few days ago: “Politico broke the Herman Cain sexual harassment story. Which means the story was leaked from within the GOP. It did not come from the DNC. Here’s why: Politico is owned by Robert Allbritton. Allbritton has extensive ties to the CIA and was Pinochet’s banker as well as the Saudi’s. Allbritton’s bank was pretty much shut down, and he had to pay multi million dollar fines in 2004 for money laundering. Politico, like Fox News, has the veneer of objectivity but it is in fact an arm of the right wing propaganda machine. Cain’s sexual harassment story came from within the wing of the GOP that wants Romney.”

The other editorial is Zuccotti Anarchy. Here are some excerpts:

“The protesters are taking a perverse pride in refusing to cooperate with authorities — organized crime’s ‘omerta’ tradition resonates — but the romance of that will evaporate quickly enough when the serious injuries start to pile up.”

“Among the drugs apparently being abused in the park is crystal meth — in its own way, a violence vector akin to what crack was two decades ago. Apart from that, the Zuccotti Park encampment has been attracting the emotionally disturbed, petty criminals and garden-variety vagrants all along.”

“Just as one may not falsely shout fire in the proverbial crowded theater, the First Amendment may not be properly be used to cover for a crime wave.”

“The Occupy Wall Street squat-in has passed its sell-by date — at least in its present form.”

That last part made me do a double-take. For the first time, the Post intimates that there is a modicum of value to the OWS movement. Will it last?

[SPOILER: No.]

There’s also an op-ed from Karol Markowicz about Herman Cain titled Why This Guy’s No Sexual Harasser. Her argument is that she worked for him in 2004 and he didn’t sexually harass her. And, really, who could resist Karol?

Her whole argument is that Cain is well-spoken and influential. But if you get to the 12th (of 14) paragraph, you’ll see this: “None of this means that a well-spoken, influential man can’t also be a sexual harasser.”

I want my five minutes back.

“Phoenix [Coyotes] forward Raffi Torres is being criticized for wearing blackface while dressed as rapper Jay-Z at a Halloween party.” Here’s a picture of Torres (and his wife, Gianna Santeramo-Torres, dressed as Beyoncé — also in blackface) at that party:

“The Coyotes issued a statement denouncing the reaction or claims that Torres is racist.”

Not the decision to wear blackface (and blackarms and blacklegs), but the reaction to that decision.

Yet another reason to not care about hockey!

As of today, I have won the same number of 2011 NFL games as the Miami Dolphins (0-7) and the Indianapolis Colts (0-8).

And that’s Tuesday.

More to come…

“District attorneys in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and Staten Island have dismissed tips that cops in their areas are involved in the ticket-fixing scandal — despite The Bronx DA’s indictment of as many as 500 as many as 400 16 on felony charges. Politically, ‘no one wants to touch it,’ a source said.”

(from the follow-up on page 7) “The elected DAs also have to worry about the political fallout of declaring war on the NYPD in cop-friendly boroughs. ‘They don’t want to shoot themselves in the foot,’ said a law-enforcement source. ‘[Bronx DA Robert] Johnson shot himself in the foot. His already-abysmal conviction rate will get even lower.”

So the police plan on doing sloppier work — and letting more criminals go unpunished and/or purposely botch cases that are brought before a judge? Isn’t there a (great many) law(s) against doing that?

“Germany’s mountain of national debt has been declared $78 billion lower because of a bad calculation by a mortgage lender.”

Silly Germany. Don’t they know that debt is never the fault of the mortgage lenders? It’s those Spendocrats in Washington!

Yesterday’s 1.2 inches of snowfall from a “freak killer wintery storm” broke the New York record for October (since 1925, it was 0.8 inches). In the last 135 years, we’d had snow in October just four times (including yesterday).

“More than half a million were without power in New Jersey — including Gov. Chris Christie.”

Christie reportedly panicked and ate his family and house.

Tim Perone’s Herman surges in Iowa reports that “Herman Cain’s surprising climb to the top of the Republican presidential field continues as a significant new poll released last night has him leading the pack in the all-important state of Iowa.” The article also mentions Mitt Romney (who got 22% to Cain’s 23%), Michele Bachmann (who “embarrassingly fell 14 points from the August straw poll, which she won”) and Rick Perry (who “was in fifth place with 7 percent”).

Not mentioned? Ron Paul, who won two separate tallies for the National Federation of Republican Assemblies Presidential Straw Poll — one of them with 82% of the vote.

“A dozen Americans were among 17 people killed in a suicide bomb attack in Kabul yesterday that underscores Afghanistan’s instability as the United States and other nations withdraw troops.”

Actually, what the deaths underscore is that we aren’t withdrawing quickly enough.

Michael Goodwin complains that Hillary Clinton gloated and laughed about Moammar Khadafy’s death on a video, “saying, ‘We came, we saw, he died.’ Now imagine the outrage if a Republican behaved that way.’”

You mean like when Mike Huckabee said, “Welcome to Hell, bin Laden” after his death?

Or how the GOP’s most influential member (Rush Limbaugh) responded to Khadafy’s death (“Barry did it!  Barry did it again!  He killed another bad guy. Barry did it!  Now, Hillary is over there, and she might want to take credit for pulling the trigger, but Barry did it, folks.  Mubarak gone.  Ali Velshi or whatever of Tunisia gone, Bin Laden gone, Khadafy gone, Barry did it!  The Drive-Bys are having orgasms.  We’ve never had this competent a foreign policy president ever.  Why, this guy, Barry, has done what eight presidents starting with Nixon couldn’t do.  Reagan tried it. Nixon tried it.  Every president since Nixon tried to get rid of Khadafy, but Barry did it.”)?

Goodwin also has a lot to say about Occupy Wall Street (‘Lord of Flies’ in Zuccotti Park).

“Their invasion is costing downtown Manhattan businesses and residents a boatload of money. But watching the Occupy Wall Street vagabonds bang their heads against the laws of human nature — that’s priceless!”

“In fact, the problems the protesters face are almost enough for me to hope the police don’t break up the party. The Lord of the Flies descent from utopia to petty power struggles, in front of TV cameras, is a political-science lesson, not to mention deliciously ironic. Running a protest movement apparently involves a lot of dirty work and isn’t so much fun. Imagine how hard it is to run the world!” OK, so Goodwin is an asshole. We’ve known this for some time. But wait — it gets better.

“A radical group called the Alliance for Global Justice is legally sponsoring the protest… Its Web site says the group sponsors operations in the Gaza Strip, with Hamas, and boasts of an alliance with Anarchists Against the Wall, which contests Israel’s security barrier in the West Bank. The group suggests it has a relationship with Iran, supported the Sandinista revolution in Nicaragua and expresses solidarity with Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez against the United States.” So if you support OWS, the terrorists win.

“On the campaign trail, [Obama] often invokes the phrase ‘We can’t wait’ for Congress to act. The Global Justice site links to a group called The World Can’t Wait that has the latest information on the occupations. Hmmmm.” OMG! Obama is also a terrorist! And so is the band Nu Shooz!

Page Six is on pages 10 and 11 today.

“Cops in Indianapolis are searching for a guy who broke into a day-care center, found the children’s bathing suits, and tried on several before strolling through the building in a two-piece pink bikini.”

Andrea Peyser’s husband, Mark Phillips, has neither confirmed nor denied his guilt.

Fishermen found a three-eyed fish in a reservoir near a nuclear power plant in Cordoba, Argentina.

Not quite as adorable as The Simpsons led me to believe it would be.

Susannah Cahalan’s MEET THE WORST FAMILY ON EARTH: A glimpse inside the heartless, miserable, greedy and vain world of the Madoffs (also featured on today’s cover) features photos and bios of what we can only assume are the five worst Madoffs: Bernie, Ruth, Andrew, Mark and Stephanie.

And how is Stephanie heartless, miserable, greedy and/or vain?

“Mark Madoff’s second and last wife had met with a divorce lawyer and changed her last name — two things that made Mark even more despondent. Andrew blames Stephanie for ‘taking a bad situation and making it worse.’”

What a bitch.

Southern Peru was hit with a magnitude-6.9 earthquake yesterday.

Thus disproving global warming climate change.

Kate Hudson’s father Bill Hudson’s new book (Two Versions: The Other Side of Fame and Family) “portrays his ex-wife [Goldie Hawn] as a cocaine-sniffing sexpot who loved European men and referred to herself in the third person.”

That still doesn’t explain why Kate Hudson married that old hippie… or does it?

More Occupy Wall Street coverage on page 23!

ZUCCOTTI PERV: Fiend attacks protester in her tent reports that “A sex fiend barged into a woman’s tent and sexually assaulted her at around 6 a.m., said protesters, who chased him from the park. ‘Pervert! Pervert! Get the fuck out!’ said vigilante Occupiers, who never bothered to call the cops.”

A woman “who called herself Leslie, but refused to give her real name” (allegedly) told the Post that “weeks earlier another woman was raped. ‘We don’t tell anyone,’ she said. ‘We handle it internally. I said too much already.’” Sounds like she’s afraid of her fellow Occupiers.

Not mentioned in the Post is this:

Hey! Sam was right!

GET A GRIPE!: No matter how hard it tries, New York can’t outlaw being annoying is Kyle Smith’s latest smug and hateful attack on people who didn’t go to Yale and don’t believe what he does.

On his list of things the city should do to improve (his) life is to “cool it on the Christmas culture and dial back expectations so the kiddies won’t bleed us dry.” He’s waging a War on Christmas! Tell Mandrea and Bill O’Reilly!

B’also? Kyle doesn’t have any kids because he’s against gay adoption. So I’m not sure how he expects to get bled dry. Though I hope he does.

Today’s context-less Harris poll asks “Republican voters” the following: “If you were voting in a primary today, who would you vote for?”

Herman Cain placed 2nd with 20%, Mitt Romney placed 3rd with 17% and Rick Perry came in 4th with 11%. The other candidates all got single-digit support (Newt Gingrich — 7%, Ron Paul and Michele Bachmann — 4%, Rick Santorum and Jon Huntsman — 1%).

So who came in 1st with 32%? Not sure.

I wonder who his running mate will be.

From Peggy Noonan’s While Rep. Ryan rises: “Occupy Wall Street makes an economic critique that echoes the president’s, though more bluntly: the rich are bad, down with the elites. It’s all ad hoc, more poetry slam than platform. Too bad it’s not serious in it’s substance.”

She goes on to lavish praise on Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin). “I don’t think his role in the current has been fully recognized. He is doing something unique in national politics. He thinks. He studies. He reads. Then he comes forward to speak, calmly and at some length, about what he believes to be true.”

And what he believes to be true is what Ayn Rand believed to be true (before she collected Social Security and Medicare benefits). B’also? Ryan has his constituents arrested for asking him questions.

Brooklyn’s David Podesta writes in to object to Obama’s new college-loan plan. “I couldn’t pony up the money to put my own kids through college. I’ll be damned if I want to pay for someone else’s kids to be educated.”

USA! USA! USA!

Michael Riedel’s NIGHTMARE ON 39TH STREET includes a photo of the author “drenched in fear and an unknown liquid” and this: “I got drenched, and was forced to put my hand in places that gave me pause. I was also forced to put something in my mouth that you won’t find on the menu at Orso.”

He gives it four stars.

ASK ASHLEY!

Last weekend my soon-to-be ex-husband called asking for sex to see if there’s anything still there. I’ve moved on so my answer was no. Now he is threatening to stall the divorce. How do I get him to move along and also calm my current boyfriend who is aware of what’s going on? — Thrown for a loop, Manhattan

ASHLEY: “If someone wants to see if there is ‘anything still there,’ they shouldn’t jump right into sex, especially after being separated!”

ME: “Have sex with him and shit the bed in the middle of it.”

I eloped with my husband six years ago after knowing each other for three months. We faced a lot of judgment from our friends and family. We have now hit a rough spot in our marriage. We’re in counseling and it’s going well, but whenever I bring it up with a girlfriend of mine I get the same eye-rolling looks I got back then. She actually said, “That’s what happens when you marry a guy you don’t even know” in front of a group of people. We’ve been married six almost-always happy years. How do I let her know firmly but nicely that she’s being mean? — Anna, Park Slope

ASHLEY: “A friend should voice her opinion once, but then move on. Frankly, she is acting like a moron.”

ME: “By telling her. Frankly, you are acting like a moron.”

And that’s Sunday.

More to come…

…remember when I said I’d catch up today?

I lied. I am exhausted and I have to be up at 6:30 a.m.

But I will give you this:

and this:

Also, Wonkette shared The Washington Post’s coverage of the Occupy Oakland riot that put a veteran in the hospital in critical condition:

and here’s Chris Hedges and Amy Goodman on Charlie Rose (Part One):

(Part Two):

And now I sleep.

I only care about the LIRR story.

“A slew of perfectly healthy former Long Island Rail Road workers lied about being disabled on the job in a $1 billion pension scam, federal prosecutors charged yesterday.”

“Eleven suspects were charged: six retired workers, two orthopedists and three so-called ‘facilitators’ — a former union official, an ex-federal railroad administrator and a doctor’s-office manager. More arrests are likely down the line.”

“The arrests yesterday came on the heels of investigations by Congress and the New York attorney general into how nearly 90 percent of all LIRR retirees went out on disability. ‘While six LIRR retirees are charged in the scheme, untold numbers of others are known to have fraudulently applied for and obtained disability benefits,’ said FBI Special Agent Diego Rodriguez. ‘This seems like an appropriate time to mention that this investigation is ongoing.’”

Everyone who is convicted should have to give up every penny they made through their ill-gotten disability pensions (with interest), lose their regular pensions and serve time in prison.

“A prewinter storm is expected to arrive at about 7 to 8 a.m. tomorrow and should bring a snow-rain mixture by about 1 p.m., according to AccuWeather.” Hey, AccuWeather? There’s a word for “snow-rain mixture.” It’s “sleet.”

“Winds may gust up to 30 mph, and the storm could turn briefly to all snow before it leaves tomorrow night.”

It begins…

Carl Campanile spends most of page 3 blowing the lid off of a story that should’ve been on the cover.

‘SEX’ MACHINES: Cash & Carrie at Aqueduct racino informs us that there are six “snazzy Sex and the City slot-machine games” at the Resorts World New York casino, which opens today at the Aqueduct Racetrack.

Paragraph #10 (of 17): “Throughout the game, video clips from the show pop up on the LCD monitor, keeping players engaged with the characters even if they’re losing money.”

Great reporting, Carl.

There are two Occupy Wall Street-related stories on page 4.

Amber Sutherland, Selim Algar and Todd Venezia’s Occupiers flee to wherever it’s free begins, “As fed-up cops are prepared to slap rowdy ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protesters with civil lawsuits, fed-up Zuccotti Park protesters have found a way to take a slap at Mother Nature. Some of the OWS masses dodged yesterday’s cold and rain by ditching their tents and huddling in a nearby art gallery with free WiFi.”

I’m not sure why this is news (let alone a full third of page 4), but I guess it makes the protesters seem more like societal leeches (which is important for the Post to do).

The piece also includes this: “‘In the event it does get violent, I think that people should be put on notice that NYPD sergeants are not going to be punching bags,’ said Ed Mullins, New York Sergeants Benevolent Association president.” Which leads to the other OWS article…

Hurt a sarge and we’ll take you to court! by Ed Mullins.

I keep waiting to see video footage of protesters abusing policemen. I wonder why I haven’t.

(No, I don’t.)

There is a bit of good news, though: “Scott Olsen, the Iraq War vet whose skull was fractured at a protest in Oakland, is expected to make a full recovery, officials there said.”

Ge0ff Earle’s Candidates blast feds on education: GOPers’ degree of contempt showcases various GOP responses to Obama’s recent plan to help Americans with their student loan debt [SPOILER WARNING: They all think it's a terrible idea].

“[Herman] Cain, speaking by satellite from Arkansas, where he was promoting his new book, said he wants to let market forces work on states that do the worst job at educating young kids.” Worth repeating: “Cain, speaking by satellite from Arkansas, where he was promoting his new book.”

“Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, who said he home-schooled his seven children, called for greater parental involvement, calling it a ‘cancer’ on the system that ‘at a certain age, you sort of drop your kids off and are done with this.’” Worth repeating: “Rick Santorum, who said he home-schooled his seven children.”

“Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, who home-schooled her five biological children and 23 foster kids, said the federal government should get out of the education business… She claimed that the educational outcomes for American kids were better before the federal government established a Department of Education and started meddling in schools in the late 1970s.” And she should know because (Worth repeating): “[Bachmann] home-schooled her five biological children and 23 foster kids.”

The way Earle ends his piece made me laugh out loud (first for Perry’s decision, then again for the non-sequitur last line): “In other developments on the campaign trail, Texas Gov. Rick Perry, whose poll numbers tanked after a series of subpar debate performances, may pass on future debates, Perry’s team revealed. News Corp. owns The Post.”

John Boehner was on The Laura Ingraham Show recently and said, “There is nothing that has disappointed me more over the last eight weeks than to watch the president [sic] of the United States basically give up on the economy and give up on the American people.”

Boehner is as awful as they come. Case in point, this.

From the link: “Yet the bill is not moving — and nobody, including the people in charge of setting the schedule for House votes, seems to know why. A spokeswoman for House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) directed questions about the issue to the House Speaker’s office. A spokesman for Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) had no comment.” Surprisingly (I write sarcastically), the Post isn’t covering this story.

“Wegmans Food Markets is recalling 5,000 pounds of pine nuts, citing possible salmonella contamination. The Turkish pine nuts were sold in bulk in stores in New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Virginia, and Maryland between July 1 and Oct. 18, says the upscale grocery chain.”

Avoid pesto for a little while.

“Just a day after being released from jail on a domestic-violence rap, Lindsay Lohan’s dad, Michael, was arrested again yesterday after dangling from a balcony at a Tampa hotel — and crashing 30 feet to the ground — while fleeing cops, police said… He was hospitalized with a possible broken foot.”

I bet the people who made the reality series Living Lohan are angry that they didn’t wait another two or three years to do it.

Leonard Greene’s ‘Chimp’ gal: I’m beautiful includes a few quotes from Charla Nash. One is “A lot of people tell me I look beautiful.” Another is “I look OK now, and I don’t have to worry about scaring anyone.”

Now look at the headline again.

Great work, Leonard.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), “Justin Bieber’s new Christmas album, Under the Mistletoe [sic] is more ’seductive’ than past recordings because ‘vocally, his balls have dropped,’ explained his no-nonsense manager, Scooter Braun.”

Vocally, if not actually.

Cindy Adams calls Halloween “the only day of the year Michael Moore looks right.” She also says (and please translate this for me if you can), “Today it’s vampire movies. Chain-saw close-ups. Horror movies — even excluding those Madonna makes.”

B’also? “Now films are so scary that Psycho and Nightmare [sic] on Elm Street are considered musicals. It’s witches and wizards and whatshisname Radcliffe shoving broomsticks up Dumbledore.” I think someone sent Cindy the gay porn parody Whorrey Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls (yes, that’s a real thing) and told her it was part of the Harry Potter franchise.

More gibberish: “I went to one costume party where a dowager dressed as a scarecrow. She explained, ‘It goes with dreams my husband had.’ Murmured the husband: ‘Forget the dreams. Just get me their phone numbers.’”

Stop fighting it, Cindy. Please please please just die.

Abby Wise Schachter (author of the Post’s politics blog, “Capitol Punishment”) provides the op-ed Anti-Drilling Hysteria: Spreading fear to halt progress, which includes the Post’s pro-fracking graphic:

“Fracking could open up a world of economic opportunity for NY, if greenies don’t derail it.”

The author should be forced to change her middle name.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives one and a half stars to In Time (“could have been made especially to lure the Occupy Wall Street crowd away to the movies long enough to allow the patchouli and organic bean curd to be hosed off their tents”), two stars to The Rum Diary (“in the true spirit of the ’60s, it was pretty much guaranteed to be a disappointment”), one star to Janie Jones (“No one’s life is this boring.”), and one and a half stars to My Reincarnation (“slow documentary”).

Lou Lumenick gives two and a half stars to Anonymous (“The action toggles confusingly back and forth between several time periods.”), one and a half stars to Puss in Boots (“relentlessly mediocre”), one star to The Double (“a dull spy thriller that gives away its big ’secret’ both in its trailer and the film’s title”), and zero stars to All’s Faire in Love (“Matthew Lillard’s face gets urinated on by a goat”).

Sara Stewart gives two and a half stars to Like Crazy (“ethereal indie romance, riveting and frustrating”).

V.A. Musetto gives one and a half stars to 13 (violence) and two stars to Urbanized (disturbing images).

Scott Boras now claims that he was only kidding when he said he wanted the Yankees to renegotiate Robinson Cano’s current contract (which covers 2012 and 2013).

$20 says he tries to renegotiate Cano’s contract after the 2012 season ends.

Linda 3Starsi reviews Discovery’s Gold Rush (formerly Gold Rush Alaska).

She gives it…

…three stars.

Once again, the Post’s color-coded TV listings are printed in black and white.

And that’s Friday.

Have a great weekend!

BREAKING NEWS: I was about to post today’s entry on Facebook when I saw a video Teresa posted. I watched it and, when I was finished cackling, I decided to add it here.

We have a giant bag of junk mail that we were waiting to bring to a shredder. But now we’ll be putting it all to much better use.

First, here’s Alan Grayson on The Ed Show dropping science like Galileo dropped the orange:

The Post reprints a huge chunk of Paul Ryan’s repugnant speech from the beginning of that video clip as an op-ed titled How Class Warfare Weakens America.

“That’s the real class warfare that threatens us: a class of bureaucrats and connected crony capitalists trying to rise above the rest of us, call the shots, rig the rules and preserve their place atop society,” said the author of Atlas Shrugged II: The Path to Prosperity.

This seems like a good time to post this:

And now, the Post.

The Ruth Madoff story (the hard-to-read sub-headline is BERNIE & I HAD SUICIDE PACT) is about the 60 Minutes interview she gave (it airs Sunday). In it (on it?) she claims that she and her husband (Bernie) tried to kill themselves on Christmas Eve 2008 while under house arrest.

“‘We had terrible phone calls. Hate mail, just beyond anything… and said “I just can’t go on anymore.”‘ The couple raided their medicine cabinet to concoct a deadly cocktail of drugs, and ended up swallowing whole bottles of pills, including Ambien and possibly Klonopin, Ruth said in the interview taped on Oct. 6 in New York. ‘I took what we had,’ she said. ‘He took more.’”

Even their (alleged) suicide pact is a Ponzi scheme! Ruth ingested all of their pills and her husband took more?

The other EXCLUSIVE front-page story (which erroneously labels the Occupy Wall Street protesters as “anti-rich”) has two pages of follow-up. Selim Algar and Bob Fredericks’ ZUCCOTTI A HELL’S KITCHEN begins, “The Occupy Wall Street volunteer kitchen staff launched a ‘counter’ revolution yesterday — because they’re angry about working 18-hour days to provide food for ‘professional homeless’ people and ex-cons masquerading as protesters.” Remember that sentence.

“A security volunteer added that the cooks felt ‘overworked and underappreciated.’ Many of those being fed ‘are professional homeless people. They know what they’re doing,’ said the guard at the food-storage area.”

“‘Overall security at the park had deteriorated to the point where many frightened female protesters had abandoned the increasingly out-of-control occupation, security-team members said. Rumors swirled that one homeless man had pulled a knife in a dispute the night before  — and that there had been yet another case of groping. But protesters and a cop on duty told The Post that most of the crime goes unreported, because of a bizarre ’stop snitching’ rule. ‘What’s happening in there is staying in there,’ said the cop.”

Rumors from unnamed sources make up the majority of the Post’s “coverage.” But there’s also Daniel Gold and Bob Fredericks’ ACORN taking root again amid protests.

“ACORN’s back — and it’s occupying Wall Street. The reincarnation of defunct New York chapter — a group called New York Communities for Change — is a big supporter of the protesters in Zuccotti Park… ACORN disbanded in 2010 after the release of embarrassing videos showing the group’s workers coaching conservative activists who were posing as clients how to fraudulently obtain benefits and use them to open a brothel.”

Sigh. Really? We’re seriously doing this again? Watch Rachel Maddow explain why that’s not true. Note that she explained this over a year ago.

Part One:

Part Two:

But please, Daniel and Bob, continue.

“Fox News reported yesterday that NYCC has been paying ‘dozens’ of homeless people $10 an hour to sit in Zuccotti Park.” I guess that’s what Selim and Bob meant by “professional homeless people.” (That’s why I told you to remember that sentence.)

There’s also a piece by Andy Campbell that discusses what happened at Occupy Oakland, though the title is somewhat misleading (Iraq vet is injured in Oakland riot). Police are called in to quash riots. There was no riot until the Oakland police showed up and started one.

“A violent clash between protesters and Oakland cops in riot gear left a Marine veteran who served two tours in Iraq in critical condition with a fractured skull.”

“Violent clash” implies both sides were violent. Watch this:

The man lying on the ground is Scott Olsen, 24 (the Iraq vet in the headline). The Post (and the video) claim that Olsen was not shot in the head with a rubber bullet (as was previously reported), but hit in the face with a tear-gas cannister. Would he be in the critical condition he is currently in if police didn’t also lop a flash grenade into the crowd of people coming to his aid? We’ll never know (and Campbell’s omission of the flash grenade from his report means that many Post readers will never know it happened).

“Cops and city officials acknowledged the brutality of the clash but said that the attacks became necessary after protesters threw bottles and rocks at officers.”

I can’t wait to see those videos!

Andy goes on to say that the melee in Oakland comes “as merchants, residents and officials in cities where protests have sprouted up since the movement began in New York last month are increasingly complaining about crime, sanitation woes and disruptions to business.”

He also notes that “Police arrested a man and woman in the Occupy Boston tent city for allegedly selling heroin to an undercover agent.”

Not surprisingly, there is no mention of this.

I have puh-lenty more to write about, but I must away for some rehearsals. Look for Part Two later this evening.

First, a bunch of videos.

Folks on the right like to accuse liberals of “indoctrinating” our nation’s youths. Here is a clip of Glenn Beck explaining an upcoming segment (it starts Monday at 4:00) on GBTV. It’s called the “Liberty Tree House” and it is intended to… indoctrinate our nation’s youths.

“The restoration [of what Glenn counts as true America values] must begin with us teaching it to our youth. That is why we created the Liberty Tree House — a program for you and your kids.”

Is it just me or do the “Liberty Trees” sound a lot like the current Occupy movements? “Before long, most towns and cities had their own Liberty Tree in the town square. The protests continued, eight months after the uprising the Stamp Act was rescinded, the colonists celebrated, but the fight had just begun…”

B’also? I love that the logo on Glenn’s Web site if for “Liberty Treehouse” even though it’s “Liberty Tree House” everywhere else (including the video above).

Here’s Michael Moore on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight. I think the entire interview is worth watching, but here’s the first 15 minutes:

If you can’t wait for Fox’s complaints about the War on Christmas, maybe you’ll enjoy their new War on Halloween:

Man, immigrants ruin everything in this country!

Here’s Lawrence O’Donnell making fun of Donald Trump (again). It’s like a greatest hits album:

And now, the Post.

BADGE BETRAYED

Dirty cops smuggled guns: feds

“A rogue band of NYPD officers moonlighted as gun, cigarette and slot machine smugglers, acting on the orders of a reputedly mob-connected ringleader, the feds charged yesterday.”

“‘Retired cop, active cop, ex-cop, bad guy,’ Brooklyn cop William Masso boasted to an FBI informant of the crew that he could pull together for any crime. ‘You want a guy who beat the shit out of somebody who bothers him, we got that. We got cops with vests and guns,’ Masso, 47, told the informant, according to a criminal complaint. ‘I’m setting up a good army here. A good fuckin’ army,’ said Masso, who on Sept. 22 allegedly drove 20 illegal guns — including M-16 assault rifles — to New York with his NYPD jacket displayed in the window of his car.”

Here’s Masso:

…and here’s nine other folks who were busted along with him:

What really breaks my heart is seeing Mort from the Bazooka Joe comics (bottom left) turn to crime.

Erik Kriss and Sally Goldenberg’s ‘Tax the rich’ union rally: Push to keep state levy is about a rally held yesterday at City Hall by “minority lawmakers and union leaders” who were protesting Gov. Cuomo’s refusal to restore the millionaire’s tax that is set to expire at the end of the year. The quote that Erik and Sally chose to blow up to almost half the size of the article is from state Senate Majority Leader Dean Skelos (R-LI) regarding Alec Baldwin’s support of the tax extension:

“We can’t be influenced by the Alec Baldwins of the world that are just buying a $17 million condo in Greenwich Village — and he’s going to tell us to that we should tax everybody else.”

Actually, Dean, he’s saying that we should tax him. The Democrats proposed keeping the tax only for people who make at least $1,000,000, but the GOP said no. So, actually, it’s the GOP who are shifting the burden to “everybody else.”

Josh Margolin’s EXCLUSIVE (MAYOR ABOARD SUBWAY TO NJ: Supports No. 7 extension to Secaucus) begins, “Mayor Bloomberg is pushing forward with a proposal to extend the No. 7 train to New Jersey and get the project locked in before he leaves City Hall in two years, The Post has learned.”

“With an estimated cost of $10 billion, the project would take a decade to complete.”

Isn’t the MTA currently facing a $10 billion deficit — after raising fares and cutting jobs?

And the MTA’s track record with estimates leads me to think that the project would cost $17 billion and take 17 years to complete.

In O laughs with Leno, Geoff Earle complains, “On a campaign swing through Tinseltown, President Obama derisively compared his Republican opponents to conniving contestants on Survivor.”

Actually, Jay Leno asked him if he had been watching the Republican debates (Obama was a guest on The Tonight Show). Obama replied, “I’m going to wait until everybody is voted off the island. Once they narrow it down to one or two, then I’ll start paying attention.”

How dare Obama refer to the 2012 Republican contenders as conniving contestants!

(turns head slightly to the left)

Oh, look! It’s S.A. Miller’s Perry flattens ‘fat cat’: Rips Mitt on taxes, which begins, “It’s turning into a Republican catfight.”

How dare Miller refer to the 2012 Republican contenders as foxy boxers!

Carl Campanile reports that Italian-Americans are mad at Herman Cain because the Godfather’s Pizza mascot is “a negative portrayal of Italian-Americans.”

Cain’s spokesman J.D. Gordon’s reply: “Mr. Cain often says that America needs a sense of humor. I’ll second it.”

In other words, forget about it.

Correction

“An article published on Oct. 24, 2011, incorrectly stated that the Jonas Brothers ‘kept’ their 2009 opening act, Korean pop group Wonder Girls, in an illegal dorm above a New York studio. In fact, the Jonas Brothers were not responsible for the Wonder Girls’ accommodation, nor were they aware of the band’s living conditions… The Post sincerely regrets the error.”

Oops.

Rebecca Rosenberg, Jamie Schram and Bob Fredericks teamed up to report on the Occupy Wall Street movement in a non-partisan and informative way. Just kidding.

Grubby lowlifes: Rikers cons flood Zuccotti for free eats is all about how Zuccotti Park is filled with “boozy, drug-fueled parties,” “gang activity” and “assault [and] theft.”

There is, however, a kernel of actual news: “The NYPD inspector who pepper-sprayed a protestor has been quietly transferred to an administrative post on Staten Island, The Post has learned. Anthony Bologna had been docked 10 vacation days after he was caught on video spraying teacher’s aide Kaylee Dedrick, 24, in the eyes. His new assignment, as the borough’s special-projects inspector, will ‘get him out of the line of fire,’ a source said.”

1) Note the English spelling of protester (“protestor”).

2) Bologna sprayed way more than one protester.

3) Someone should explain to the NYPD that the public would be more accepting of stories like the one on today’s front page if people like Bologna actually faced consequences for their (very public) criminal actions.

In a related story (that you won’t find anywhere in this horrible newspaper), Occupy Oakland was met with brute force yesterday — they were gassed and (as shown below) shot with rubber bullets by police:

According to Page Six (today on pages 12, 13 and 14), Brett Ratner’s new movie, Tower Heist (co-starring Eddie Murphy), had a premiere at the Ziegfeld Theater on Monday night. Ratner reportedly told the crowd, “They’re [sic] a lot of Jews here tonight, a lot of executives, a lot of gays. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 84th Academy Awards!”

Fun Fact: Eddie Murphy is hosting the 84th Academy Awards and it is being co-produced by… Brett Ratner.

Cindy Adams is still trying to be funny.

“So how bad is the US economy? Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.”

Cindy Adams is still trying.

“A Manhattan couple who kidnapped their eight kids from a Queens foster-care center have copped a plea deal that cuts more than 199 years off their possible prison term, their lawyer said yesterday. Mom Shanel Nadal, 27, and her partner, Nephra Payne, 34… pleaded guilty to two counts of custodial interference, while the more serious charge of kidnapping was dropped.”

They faced up to 25 years for each count of kidnapping. They were each sentenced to… 90 days.

John Podhoretz’ A Pack of Nonsense: Will GOP 2012ers get serious? includes one of the funniest sentences I’ve read in years: “It’s impossible not to like [Herman] Cain.”

I mean, what’s not to like about a guy who says liberals have brainwashed most Black people, wants to completely outlaw abortion — even in cases of rape and incest — and who wears his ignorance of foreign policy as a badge of honor?

Why We Must Lose The Darn 1 Percent is another humorless piece of political humor from Frank J. Fleming, author of the upcoming e-book Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.

“That’s what the wealthiest 1 percent do to us a [sic] nation: It’s just impossible to appreciate our affluence while other people are allowed to have so much more than us.”

“Let’s say you had two apples and another person — let’s call him ‘Rich’ — also had two apples. If you then got one more apple and Rich got 80 more apples, would you now have more apples? No, you’d have fewer apples — fewer than that other guy who has an unfair number of apples!”

It’s so true! Everyone in Zuccotti Park (and around the world) should appreciate their affluence!

Let’s say you don’t know how to use different tenses correctly and have to write some “humor” and you love misrepresenting people who disagree with you — let’s call you Frank J. Fleming. Then let’s say you get violently beaten to death by methed-out gorillas.

Now that’s political humor!

(No, it isn’t. Still, which of the two attempts at humor made you smile more?)

Crude oil is up to $93.17/barrel.

Linda 3Starsi reviews MTV’s Mike Judge’s Beavis and Butt-Head.

“The big problem with bringing B&B back is a that [sic] there’s already an idiot surplus on TV.”

She gives it…

(yawn)

…three stars.

And that’s Wednesday.

See you tomorrow!

“An alert Transportation Security Administration screener at Newark Airport found a ‘bullet’ in a passenger’s luggage — but not the kind that a terrorist might carry. Passenger Jill Filipovic told New York magazine that it was a ‘$15 bullet vibe… about the most basic sex toy you can imagine.’ And, she said, he left her a note on the back of a TSA notice that read, ‘Get your freak on, girl.’”

Actually, he (or she) wrote GET YOUR FREAK ON GIRL according to this photo:

But what infuriates me most about this story is that I trusted the Post when they told me that TSA stands for Transportation Safety Administration. Turns out the S stands for Security.

I regret the error. And the fact that I read the New York Post.

The last sentence is my favorite.

“The city Design Commission yesterday refused to sign off on a $10 million Parks Department pilot project to pave parts of the [Coney Island] boardwalk in cement — a precursor to paving through the entire 2.5-mile walkway except four blocks in the amusement district that would remain wood. After viewing photos showing thousands of cracks in two small sections of the boardwalk recently replaced with cement blocks, commissioners said the cement plan was unattractive.”

“Department officials argued they need a cement pathway to handle emergency vehicles, adding it’s more cost effective and sturdier than wood or plastic planks. But commissioners said there was no evidence to back up these claims.”

S.A. Miller’s It’s do-or-d’Iowa time for Perry notes that “After losing serious ground in the debates and polls, the GOP presidential contender hopes a $175,000 TV ad buy in Iowa, bulked-up campaign staff and hot new flat-tax plan [where everyone pays a flat tax of 20 percent] will reignite his run.”

Surprisingly (I write sarcastically), there is no mention of this:

As for his TV ad, I doubt it will be as hilarious as this one for Herman Cain (wait until Mr. Block stops talking and try not to laugh):

“A Long Island couple dreaming of cashing in on the Occupy Wall Street protests has filed for trademark rights to the movement’s name so they can peddle bumper stickers, T-shirts, beach bags and other gear bearing the OWS logo. Robert and Diane Maresca paid $975 for the application filed with the US Patent and Trademark Office on Oct. 18. Robert said he might even share some of the profits he could make with the protesters — if he can figure out who to give the money to.”

I told a cat about this. This was his response:

They might give some of the money to the protesters?

Someone please file for trademark rights to “Robert and Linda Maresca.” You could sell T-shirts with this picture of Robert on them:

Just erase the chicken-scratch on the piece of paper he’s holding and add I AM A JERK and an arrow pointing at his misshapen head.

From Laura Italiano and Frank Rosario’s DA to offer deal on arrests:

“Manhattan prosecutors are planning to offer a deal to 340 Occupy Wall Street protesters that would dismiss the charges if they stay out of trouble for six months, a lawyer representing some of the demonstrators said yesterday. The deal would apply only to those-issued desk-appearance tickets — but exclude more than 300 others who were charged with a misdemeanor or issued a summons, said the lawyer, Martin Stolar, one of the National Lawyers Guild members volunteering to represent protesters ree [sic] of charge.”

I can only hope that the other 339 protesters are as brave as Lauren Digioia, 26, who was charged with disorderly conduct. Her response? “The police were wrong, their actions were unjust. If I have to go to court to fight this, I will.”

And the whole world will watch.

Andy Soltis’ Sharia-lite for Libya begins, “Libya’s new leader backed off his vow to govern the country according to strict Islamic Sharia law. ‘I want to assure the international community that we, as Libyans, are moderate Muslims,’ Mustapha Abdel Jalil said yesterday.”

You may remember Mr. Jalil from yesterday’s paper, when he was referred to as Mustafa Abdul-Jalil. Anybody think his addendum will prevent Michael Goodwin and/or Andrea Peyser from warning us that Libya is going to turn into a radical nation?

Me neither.

“Afghan President Hamid Karzai sought to distance himself yesterday from remarks he made saying Afghanistan would back Pakistan against the United States if the two ever went to war.”

The editing on this clip is awful, so I’m not entirely sure that Karzai said what everyone claims he said:

On the other hand, Karzai is a scumbag. So let’s just assume he did.

According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), Demi Lovato, 19, has gotten back together with Wilmer Valderrama, 31, and was “making out all night” at Seth MacFarlane’s birthday party.

Remember when Wilmer was dating Lindsay Lohan? Hey! That reminds me! Remember Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s absentee father? Guess what! He got arrested again! For the hilarious reason why, read this article on TMZ.com: “Mike Lohan’s Ex — He Attacked Me ‘Cause I Wouldn’t Perform Oral Sex“

There’s a link in the article to the actual police report, which provides Michael’s version of events (including this gem: “[Kate Major] did not want Michael to ejaculate inside her. Michael Lohan stated he did ejaculate in her and his girlfriend got very angry.”).

Poor Lindsay Lohan.

“A third Pee-wee movie’s coming down. Judd Apatow producing. Who plays Pee-wee, who knows? Maybe Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.”

Is Cindy Adams:

a) kidding?

b) serious?

c) having a stroke?

d) the bane of my existence?

Answer: Get in the box.

Andy Campbell and Amber Sutherland’s Pack it in!: City targets cop’s cheap cigs begins, “A Lower East Side tobacco shop co-owned by an NYPD captain is by illegally peddling smokes for less than $6 a pack, city officials say.”

That’s almost a sentence.

The captain’s name is John Kimball. Here’s a photo of him:

Jennifer Fermino and Helen Freund report that “The MTA — inundated with complaints about overflowing garbage and nibbling rats on subway platforms — is trashing trash cans at several stations, part of an effort to curtail the massive amounts of rodent-luring rubbish left in the system every day.”

Fun Fact: The “several” stations are “the 8th Street Station in the Village and Flushing/Main Street in Queens.”

“To tell straphangers about the new policy — which has been in effect in the two stations for a few weeks — officials said they handed out fliers and hung posters… One guy at Main Street dumped his trash into the corner where the can used to be, oblivious to the fact that he’d just littered.”

Sounds like a success to me! Great work, MTA!

Jennifer and Helen would also like you to know that “Riders leave behind ann [sic] astonishing 40 tons of trash every day underground.”

Well, more trash cans certainly aren’t the answer, right?

Rich Lowry writes, “When President Obama took the podium last Friday to abruptly announce the imminent end of the Iraq War… [he] was the same as the Obama of the Democratic primaries, with his heedlessly irresponsible commitment to a hasty retreat from Iraq. Back then, he was only capable of vaporous posturing.”

Actually, Rich, it was George W. Bush who made the commitment to have our troops out by the end of 2011. Obama actually wanted to amend that commitment to allow some troops to stay but Iraq said no.

The Post pays Rich to write about current events — he isn’t obligated to understand them.

This is kind of funny.

On the left side of page 22, there’s the editorial Grabbing Guns — for Real. It begins, “The mindless murder of a Brooklyn mother [Zurana Horton, 34] on a Brownsville street last Friday should teach a little humility to critics of the NYPD’s stop-and-frisk effort to cleanse the city of illegal guns.”

Fun Fact: We don’t know who killed Horton, or if the gun that shot her is illegal. So it’s weird that the Post would conclude that Horton would still be alive if the police were stopping and frisking more people on a regular basis.

But what makes their assertion funny (to me, anyway) are the letters directly to the right of the editorial — under the heading Biden’s Rape & Murder Cry: He’s Doing Obama’s Bidding.

Manhattan’s Sam King writes, “Biden’s repeated threat that crime rates will rise if we oppose stimulus pay for municipal workers definitely uses fear tactics.” Um… any threat is a fear tactic, Sam. That’s why it’s called a threat.

Cincinnati’s Paul Bloustein writes, “Biden is at it again, claiming that if we don’t support Obama’s jobs plan, we favor increased rates of rape and murder.” I wonder if Paul will write to complain about today’s editorial that claims that if we don’t support more “aggressive street-crime policing,” we favor increased rates of murder.

Bonus Points: Apple Valley, California’s Dan Jeffs writes, “Biden’s campaigning for the president’s jobs bill in front of 4th-graders is an invitation to expose the liberal indoctrination of students from elementary school to college.” Oh, please accept that invitation, Dan. Please expose the liberal indoctrination of our children! You’re our only hope!

Scott Gottlieb (“a physician and American Enterprise Institute resident fellow”) writes the op-ed Slashing Doc Pay: Making US rates more like Europe’s. It begins, “A key government panel voted this month to whack what Medicare pays most doctors to treat patients. It’s an important step on the path to ObamaCare — because the only way to make European-style health entitlements work in America is to pay US doctors lower European wages. This is going to hurt doctors — and hit patients even harder, as American physicians scale down their medical practices to adapt to the lower pay rates.”

Wait… if doctors are paid less, wouldn’t that make them want to expand their practices? B’also? The American Enterprise Institute is not the most reliable of sources.

Crude oil is back up to $91.27/barrel.

Back in the day: TV celebs confess their youthful obsessions lists the childhood passions of various stars. For example, Anthony Bourdain loved Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention (“They played great music and were not above a good poo joke.”) and Brian Williams loved The Monkees (“My favorite was Michael Nesmith”).

Also asked about their youthful obsessions were Victoria Justice (“Pokemon cards!”) and Sarah Hyland (“Sabrina the Teenage Witch“).

Fun Fact: Victoria is 18 years old. Sarah is 20.

Great reporting, Maxine Shen!

And that’s Tuesday.

See you tomorrow!