Entertainment… Weakly.

“Former police officer Steven Weinberg has been outed as ‘Neo,’ a notorious graffiti artist who tagged the city in the 1980s. Now the NYPD says Weinberg, who retired on a disability, is back to his old tricks, painting his name around Queens.”

“Weinberg was arrested at his home on Aug. 3, 2010, and charged with felony criminal mischief and misdemeanor making graffiti and possessing a graffiti instrument. Grilled by detectives, Weinberg reportedly confessed to at least one crime — tagging the walls of the Clearview Expressway in May 2009.”

$20 says he gets to keep his pension.

More than 200,000 people in Connecticut still don’t have power after last week’s sleetstorm.

Apparently, God wasn’t any happier about Joe Lieberman’s re-election than the rest of the nation’s liberals.

Cathy Burke’s Penn St. ‘perv’ shocker begins, “A vaunted Penn State assistant coach who helped build its football program into a national powerhouse was busted yesterday for the sexual abuse of eight boys — while two other honchos were accused of covering up the sickening case. Jerry Sandusky — once viewed as the odds-on favorite to succeed legendary head coach Joe Paterno — was arraigned on 40 counts involving youngsters he met through a nonprofit organization he founded in 1977. A grand jury said the boys were targets of sexual advances or assaults by Sandusky from 1994 to 2009… One accuser, now 27, testified that the coach initiated contact with a ’soap battle’ in the shower that led to multiple instances of involuntary sexual intercourse and indecent assault.”

You know what word isn’t mentioned at any point in this article? Rape. It pops up all the time in pieces about Zuccotti Park, but not in a story about a man who has been charged with “a slew of allegations ranging from sexual touching to oral and anal sex.”

Strange.

Oh, boy.

I was wondering why there wasn’t any Occupy Wall Street “coverage” in the first seven pages of this horrible newspaper. Pages 8 and 9 provide my answer. Following are some excerpts from Candice M. Giove’s My in’tents’ night amid anarchy of occupying forces (with occasional commentary from me).

“The cheap walkie-talkie crackles inside a crowded downtown McDonald’s, stopping the gathered mass mid-sip from their Kombucha bottles and cups of corporate coffee.” Right off the bat, Giove sticks it to those hypocritical protesters who hate all corporations (not really) but still drink their coffee. B’also? Their walkie-talkies aren’t expensive! What frugal, smelly hippies they all are!

“‘There’s a situation,’ a vagabond gumshoe dubbed ‘Conscience’ tells me after the static-filled communique arrives over the air at around 3 a.m.” When he spoke to you, did you let him know that you would call him a vagabond in your hatchet job? B’also? Those walkie-talkies sure are cheap! I guess hippies love static.

Giove says the “situation” was the return of Fisika Bezabeh, who was once again being rowdy at the McDonald’s at 160 Broadway.

“They call the NYPD — and it becomes abundantly clear that the cops down there are sick of the antics. ‘Every single night it’s the same thing. I mean, some guy was a victim of rape!’ an officer snarls. ‘There comes a time when it’s over. This is a disaster. It’s all we’re doing, every two seconds, is locking somebody up every time. It’s done. It’s done,’ he repeats. ‘Occupy Wall Street is no longer a protest.’”

Wait a minute. The Post has been reporting that the OWS people refuse to involve the police in (almost all of) the numerous crimes that take place in Zuccotti Park. But here’s a cop who says the NYPD arrests someone every two seconds. Is the Post lying or is this cop lying? Or are they both lying?

“Scenes like this — and far worse — have been playing out since the Zuccotti Park ‘occupation’ began on Sept. 17. The parcel is now a sliver of madness, rife with sex attacks, robberies and vigilante justice.” Yes, since the day the occupation began there have been rapes, rampant drug use, arson, kidnappings, bootlegging, murders, ethnic cleansings, wire fraud… those hippies must be stopped!

“And despite an NYPD watchtower overhead and the entire north side of Zuccotti lined with police vehicles, it is quickly becoming one of the most dangerous places in New York City.” And yet this mousy frump courageously set out to spend the night there:

You’re wearing the bag on the wrong part of your body, Candice.

“It’s 8 p.m., and the suits and ties fill the bars. They glare at my overstuffed bag as I walk from the E train to a 7-Eleven for a few last-minute items for my night in Zuccotti Park. The anti-bacterial soap and powder are nearly out. Naturally, the condoms are fully stocked.” Wait… what? The soap and powder are nearly out because they’re in high demand, yes? So are you saying that these dirty hippies (who do nothing but rape and play drums) don’t use protection?

“Outside, an old-man Occupier in a plaid earflap hat is screaming at people in the crosswalk at Church and Barclay. ‘Why are you afraid of bunny rabbits? Whyyyyy?’” Wait… is he a male Occupier who is also old? Or does he occupy old men?

“A woman emerges from a makeshift tent that looks more like a layer cake — a clear tarp draped over a sleeping bag that is on top of a filthy mattress. It even has a welcome mat missing the ‘m’ and the stench of a vagrant.” 1) I’m not sure Giove has ever seen a layer cake. 2) Everything is filthy and smells like vagrants!

“I settle on a sliver near Broadway by an OWS library — which frighteningly has a children’s section.” Books for children? That’s terrifying!

“This spirit of generosity and the naivete of the original OWS protesters is devolving into a state of distrust and paranoia.” I don’t remember reading about the protesters’ generosity in the Post. How did I miss that?

“The threat of rape is very real here — for women and men.” How many days before the Post’s front-page headline is RAPE-UPY WALL STREET?

“‘I just talked to two gentlemen who were raped last night, and they don’t want to press charges because [authorities] wanted to take them in an ambulance and . . . do a rape kit,’ [Lauren DiGioia] said… ‘There was another girl raped by the same man,’ she said from a table in the McDonald’s, which has become the headquarters of the revolution. It’s a place to meet, to get warm, to scarf down dollar-menu grub and to use the bathroom that becomes increasingly vile as the night goes on.” 1) I’m confident that the McDonald’s hasn’t become the headquarters for OWS. 2) I’ll check the next time I’m working, but I’m also confident that the McDonald’s near Wall Street doesn’t have a dollar menu. 3) McDonald’s bathrooms are always vile regardless of how many protesters use them.

In conclusion, Candice M. Giove spent the night in Zuccotti Park with filthy rapists and junkies and feces-smearing crazy people. And she didn’t stand out.

Michael Goodwin laments that Zuccotti Park “largely has been turned into a sovereign nation of vagabonds, a legal free zone where almost anything goes.” What with the constant rapings and such.

He also writes, “A report says the agreement settling a sexual-harassment allegation against Herman Cain was dated September 1999 — or 9-9-9. So God does have a sense of humor.” Because what’s funnier than women being sexually harassed?

Page Six is on pages 14 and 15 today.

“Two teen boys who hugged each other hello were suspended from Palm Bay Southwest Middle School for violating a policy against public displays of affection.”

Well done, Florida. I was worried that Alabama was going to overshadow you in the race to become America’s Shame 2011.

The latest context-less Quinnipiac poll claims that 53% of those polled said they think illegal immigrants who are currently in the country should be allowed to stay and apply for citizenship. But 61% oppose allowing them to get driver’s licenses.

(waves miniature American flag)

Stephen King’s new book (11/22/63) is about a high-school teacher who goes back in time to stop the assassination of John F. Kennedy.

Which, for some unexplained reason, takes place in Castle Rock, Maine.

ASK ASHLEY!

I’ve been dating a recently divorced dad for about three months. I want to have at least one kid of my own. As we get closer, I’m getting scared of getting hurt if it ends, so I need to know if he’s open to having more children sooner rather than later. However, I’m stumped because I normally wouldn’t be broaching this at three months. How do I ask about possibly having kids down the road without putting pressure on the present? — Almost ready, Staten Island

ASHLEY: “This is tricky because a divorce is not exactly a walk in the park.”

ME: “Ask him if he has ever considered having any more children, but try not to look desperate when you do.”

I’m going to my girlfriend’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving. It’s our first holiday together and I’m excited because I see her in my future. She has an uneasy relationship with her family. I’m not sure if there will be a conflict, but there might be. Do you have any advice on how to handle a potential situation? — Gianni, Upper West Side

ASHLEY: “Given how much you care for her, you should not stand for it if someone disrespects or embarrasses her. If you see or hear something that makes you uncomfortable, politely and gently say that this is making you feel uncomfortable. Then suggest that you and your girlfriend leave and grab a bite in the city.”

ME: “As soon as you get there, pull aside each member of her family and tell them that if anyone does anything to make your girlfriend even a little bit uncomfortable, you will stab them in the genitals. Then slowly nod your head up and down.”

And that’s Sunday.

More to come…

The Post continues to besmirch every aspect of Occupy Wall Street. ZUCCOTTI PARK’S BIG TOP: Gals-only structure set up to guard against pervs perfectly illustrates the damned-if-they-do-and-damned-if-they-don’t position the Post has put OWS in. First they claim the protesters allow sexual assaults in the park, then they mock them for doing something about it.

“Some of the male OWS protesters remained in denial over the growing number of sex attacks. ‘Sexual harassment gets called rape, and it’s not,’ one scoffed when told of the women’s tent. ‘There’s no way that it’s happening as much as people are saying it has. It’s just word spreading and getting misunderstood.’”

How come when a protester says that sexual harassment gets exaggerated he’s scoffing, but when Herman Cain says it he’s heroically fighting against a racist, liberal media smear campaign?

“Yesterday, former Mayor 9iu11ani said President Obama must take responsibility for the ‘very dangerous’ OWS movement. ‘Barack Obama owns the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement; it would not have happened but for his class warfare, 9iu11ani told the conservative Americans for Prosperity Foundation summit in DC.”

In case you forgot, the AFP was founded by the Koch Brothers. And they are two of the only Americans that the foundation wants to make more prosperous.

Other OWS articles include Todd Venezia’s $kinning fat cat Moore, which begins, “Gasbag Michael Moore went ballistic yesterday after a reporter asked him if he was really among the hated richest ‘1 percent’ of Americans during an Occupy Denver event.” That reporter is Evrod Cassimy. Here’s a photo:

Sexy.

“Moore had just finished railing against greedy rich people to a group of Occupy Denver protesters — while also showing some corporate-style synergy during his Denver visit by holding a signing to promote his new book, according to CBS.”

You know who else is currently on a book-signing tour?

Rebecca Harshbarger and Helen Freund’s Camper’s Mac attack reports that “a Zuccotti Park protester threw a violent fit in a McDonald’s yesterday after employees refused to give him free food. Fisika Bezabeh, 27, ripped a credit-card reader from a counter and threw it at workers at about 2:30 a.m. at the Mickey D’s at 160 Broadway, a bathroom spot for protesters.”

I like how a homeless person goes crazy in a McDonald’s near Zuccotti Park and he’s automatically an OWS protester.

Don’t forget to do nothing while your phones and computers set themselves back an hour for Daylight Savings Time.

“Mayor Bloomberg spent more campaign funds in 2011 than any candidate in New York — and he’s not even running for office.”

Yet.

“A United Express pilot convicted of flying while drunk will serve six months in prison.”

Maybe if the consequences were more dire, there wouldn’t be so many pilots flying drunk?

“A Bronx man [Karriem Barrow] was convicted yesterday in White Plains federal court of robbing a Bronx restaurant and seven suburban banks at the beginning of last year.”

He now faces… “a minimum of 200 years in prison.”

But when banks steal money from us, they don’t even get charged.

“ABC/Washington Post poll taken after the Herman Cain scandal broke shows he’s jumped 7 points among GOP voters in the past month.”

What else can he do to boost his support? He’s already said he’d force victims of rape and/or incest to carry their babies to term, he’s against homosexuals doing pretty much anything… maybe he can murder an illegal immigrant with his bare hands?

“‘I have attracted a little attention,’ [Cain] joke, in a defiant speech in Washington to a Tea Party-affiliated group Americans for Prosperity… Cain went on to pitch his 9-9-9 tax plan and called for an ‘attitude adjustment’ at the Environmental Protection Agency, drawing a big response from the crowd.”

Of course! Bashing the EPA! That ought to help him widen his lead.

According to Page Six (today on page 10), Lindsay Lohan “crashed the party for Leonardo DiCaprio’s movie J. Edgar‘ and made such a scene she made A-list attendees uncomfortable’… Lohan has to turn herself in to jail by Wednesday to serve a 30-day sentence. But this didn’t stop her from turning up at the Hollywood Roosevelt with her hair and makeup still done up from her earlier Playboy shoot.”

I’m really going to miss her.

Former Gov. Jesse Ventura has vowed that he’ll “never stand for the national anthem again” and will “spend more time in his beloved Mexico” after a judge ruled that his airport-security lawsuit (which he filed against the government, alleging that airport scans and patdowns constitute unreasonable search and seizure) should have been filed in appeals court.

Ventura “said he has not decided whether to continue pressing the suit.”

My, what strong convictions you have, Jesse.

Todd Venezia writes today’s Weird BUT true sidebar. He tells the story of Rickie La Touche, who was recently convicted of killing his wife — because she smashed his collection of Star Wars action figures. Sadly, Todd got his name wrong (it isn’t “Rickie La-Touche”).

There’s also the story of a man in Alabama (Montigo Arrington) who updated his Facebook status to “Has any 1 else eva thought bout strappin a bomb on n walk n a police department n blowin da [expletive deleted] up?” Arrington was on probation at the time, so the police went to his home and discovered a stash of kiddie porn. Todd almost makes a joke in the first sentence of this three-sentence piece: “Here’s a good way to turn to Facebook status to ‘jailed.’” Todd’s really good at his job.

Bonus Points: I found a picture of Montigo:

And ladies? He’s single…

Daniel Freedman’s Patron Devil of ‘Occupy’ is all about Guy Fawkes. It even includes a photo of OWS protesters wearing Guy Fawkes masks. Oddly, there’s a word that doesn’t appear anywhere in the entire half-page op-ed: Anonymous.

Is it possible that Freedman forgot that Anonymous popularized the use of the Guy Fawkes masks long before OWS started? But why would he forget? I know of no reason why the hacker group’s fashion should ever be forgot.

Happy Guy Fawkes’ Day!

Brooklyn’s George Najarian writes in about Kim Kardashian divorce from whoever she was married to (Kris something?). “When I heard about the impending divorce, I became so upset that I ran into my kitchen and stuck my head into the oven. I even lost a bet with a friend when I said the marriage wouldn’t last longer than two weeks.” I love it when sarcasm contradicts itself.

But Sydney, Australia’s Jane Wallace sides with Kim (and loose women in general). “My grandmother used to say that men came good at Christmas and went bad at Easter. Christmas to Easter is about 72 days. Now Kardashian lives by my grandmother’s old wives’ tale. She was married for 72 days and now wants a divorce. That’s long enough to put up with any man. Why should any woman waste herself on just one man per year when she could have four men per year?” Um… love?

Bill O’Reilly’s The Measure of Experience claims that “a new Quinnipiac survey [asked]: ‘Does the fact that Herman Cain never served in public office make you more likely to vote for him for president, less likely to vote for him for president, or doesn’t it make a difference?’ Well, 43 percent said it doesn’t make a difference, 41 percent would be less likely to vote for Cain, and just 14 percent would be more likely to support him. The takeaway from this poll is that close to 60 percent of Americans don’t believe any political experience is necessary in order to run the country.”

Actually, Bill, 14% of the respondents said Cain’s lack of experience makes them more likely to vote for him, 43% said his lack of experience doesn’t affect their intention to vote (or not vote) for him, and 41% said his lack of experience would make them less likely to vote for him. The true takeaway from this poll, then, is that you aren’t very good at interpreting poll results.

Linda 3Starsi reviews Lifetime’s The Pastor’s Wife.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Saturday.

More to come…

The two pages of follow-up (GOONS OCCUPY BRAWL STREET) tell the story of a “deranged homeless man” going “on a violent, early-morning rampage yesterday.”

“The only thing that could stop Jeremy Clinch from his Godzilla-like rampage was a left hook delivered by a paranoid fellow protester who claimed to be an ex-Turkish diplomat — and charged that his assailant was carrying out a plot hatched by Mayor Bloomberg.”

“It was just the type of increasingly violent incident that has downtown residents — already bombarded by megaphones, incessant drumming, graffiti and public urination — feeling on edge as the OWS takeover of Zuccotti Park enters its third month.”

Isn’t it amazing that Kevin Fasick (or KEVINFASICK as the byline reads) was there at just the right time to videotape the fight (it’s on the Post’s Web site)? Saki Knafo thinks not. Read his rebuttal here.

Todd Venezia, Danny Gold and Carl Campanile join forces to write Mama’s boys on the rise, which begins, “Forget about ‘Go west, young man’ — today the battle cry for the younger generation is ‘Move back in with Mama!’”

“The epidemic of mama’s boys has struck both New York City and the country as a whole, as the terrible economy and massive unemployment have forced grown men back into their childhood bedrooms.”

I blame gay marriage.

Andy Soltis finally gets around to reporting on Occupy Oakland — can you guess what he focuses on? The headline offers a strong hint: Pressure cooker pops in Oakland. It begins, “More than 80 Occupy Oakland protesters were arrested yesterday after a peaceful rally turned into a violent postmidnight [sic] clash between police and masked, fire-setting, concrete-tossing vandals.”

“Hundreds of police officers flooded the area, two blocks from an Occupy encampment and fired tear-gas and deafening ‘flash bang’ grenades.”

The 16th paragraph (of 19): “Police were almost invisible during most of Wednesday as crowds of up to 7,000 people marched and rallied in what was described as a general strike.”

Thanks for the condescending acknowledgement, Andy!

Kevin Fasick is back (with Bob Fredericks) for more anti-OWS fun on page 7 with SACHS AND SEX ADD TO INSANITY.

“It’s gone from simple chaos to sheer madness. The violence and depravity continued to mount at the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, as cops busted 16 people for blocking the entrance to Goldman Sachs and an Alabama woman came forward to report another sick sex attack at Zuccotti Park.”

If you are a woman who say someone sexually harassed you in Zuccotti Park, the Post will champion you. But if you say you were sexually harassed by Herman Cain, you’re a liar and proof that liberals are racists.

Speaking of which…

“[Cain's chief of staff Mark] Block said he wants to ‘move on’ with the campaign, adding, ‘Let’s get over these things that don’t mean anything to the American public.”

“Cain kept up his defiant stance yesterday in a Daily Caller interview with Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. ‘That is the DC culture: guilty until proven innocent,’ Cain vented.”

Cain, who says he refuses to play the race card (despite insisting that all opposition to his 9-9-9 plan and all accusations of sexual harassment are based in racism), decided to sit down for an interview with the wife of Clarence Thomas — who called his confirmation hearings “a high-tech lynching for uppity Blacks.” Let’s watch Thomas say that in an ad for Herman Cain (who refuses to play the race card):

91-year-old Coney Island Bialys and Bagels was going to go out of business, but it was saved by… “Muslim businessmen Peerzada Shah and Zafaryab Ali.”

Muslims? Running a kosher bagelry? Now I’ve seen everything!

“LA Dr. Gregg Homer has conjured up a new procedure that uses a laser to permanently change brown eyes into blue ones — and has even started testing on human subjects.”

He said he got the idea from Josef Mengele.

“A brave Brooklyn woman stared down the man who allegedly raped her, as the alleged attacker, acting as his own lawyer, sat in court at his rape trial yesterday. Adam Wright is charged with raping the woman in the elevator room on the roof of her Canarsie apartment building in 2002 — when she was 12 years old… The woman testified for the prosecution yesterday and is expected to face Wright’s cross-examination today.”

There ought to be a law against that.

“Country singer Keith Urban said yesterday he’ll undergo throat surgery to remove a polyp on his vocal chords.”

That’s what he’s telling people but, really, he just needs a break from constantly denying that his wife’s plastic surgery is horrible.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), “Richie Sambora last night confirmed that he and Denise Richards have rekindled their romance.”

I wish them both the best during the next two to four months.

Today, Cindy Adams complains about holidays and hotels.

“Why’s a hanger clamped in? Who ever stole a hanger? That’s like locking a toilet. You know anyone ever stole a piece of poop?” Die.

“I’m hearing more holidays may be coming down: In 1930, Herbert Hoover stubbed his toe, shouted ‘Dam’ and they built one. Shouldn’t that be remembered? People ran for tickets when Powerball lottery hit more than $200 mil, although winning chances were 80 million-to-1. Same odds as Jennifer Lopez giving birth to Richard Simmons’ love child. Shouldn’t such a moment be enshrined?”

Four people are credited with GIVING UP THE ‘BIEBY’: ‘Justin’ vixen mulled adoption. They could have really used a fifth.

“‘She didn’t know if she was going to keep him,’ Samra Fae Stepper told The Post at her Fredericksburg, Va., home… ‘We kept asking about the father, but I didn’t press it,’ said Stepper, whose brother Anthony Simeonoff is Yeater’s stepdad.”

Fascinating.

There’s yet still more OWS-bashing from Rich Lowry on page 31 (It’ll Only Get Uglier: ‘Occupy’ primed for violence).

“It’s become clear during the past few weeks that there is a lawlessness at the heart of Occupy Wall Street. It has created little ungoverned spaces in cities around the country, into which homeless people, addicts and criminals have flowed.”

“Mere protests probably won’t satisfy the movement, though. It is a self-styled ‘occupation,’ which inherently involves taking what is not yours. It’s already ugly and will probably get more so.”

Actually, the movement is about taking back what was stolen from us. But we’ve established that you only write about current events — you rarely understand them.

And the rest of page 31 is devoted to Charles C.W. Cooke’s In New York, the Enablers Wake Up.

“There’s increasing concern that the authorities have made a rod for their own backs. ‘Are we seriously suggesting that if a jihadist or neo-Nazi group moved in, they’d have been indulged like this?’ one [community] board member asked pointedly.”

Occupy Wall Street ≠ jihadists. Occupy Wall Street ≠ neo-Nazis. And what the Hell does “made a rod for their own backs” mean?

The editorial Call the Cops, Mike is also about “the very real possibility that even greater OWS violence… will soon bubble up here.” But the Post offers a completely rational solution: “Send in the NYPD to lance the Zuccotti Park boil. Before it’s too late.”

Don’t mince words. Tell us how you really feel, terrible newspaper.

Manhattan’s Vivian Riffelmacher writes, “It’s time to send in the troops to clear out Tiananmen Square — I mean Zuccotti Park. We believe in freedom of speech and all that stuff, but protesters should never be such a nuisance.”

Um… Vivian? If Zuccotti Park is Tiananmen Square, does that mean the NYPD are anti-democracy?

Crude oil is back up to $94.07/barrel.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives three and a half stars to Tower Heist (“cunningly engineered”), three stars to Killing Bono (“a charming admixture [sic] of Goodfellas and Almost Famous“), and two and a half stars to Pianomania (“an enticing but flawed character study”).

Lou Lumenick gives one star to The Son of No One (“a laughable police melodrama… ineptly written and directed”), and three stars to both A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (“there are moments of brilliance”) and The Last Rites of Joe May (“Dennis Farina gives one of the best performances of the year”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to Young Goethe in Love (sex, violence) and three stars to Charlotte Rampling: The Look (nudity).

Linda 3Starsi reviews Logo’s Bad Sex.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Friday.

This shirt is being sold in Walmart. In children’s sizes.

It says “NOTHING SAYS ‘I love you’ QUITE LIKE FISTING.”

And while it is technically true, I still think it’s inappropriate for children.

“Time’s up: The Zuccotti Park vagabonds have had their say — and trashed lower Manhattan — for long enough. They need to go. Be it voluntarily — by packing their tents and heading off in an orderly fashion. Or by having the NYPD step in — and evict them… But go they must: Their lease on Zuccotti Park has expired. And it’s their own fault. What began as a credible protest against bank bailouts, crony capitalism and the like has, in large measure, been hijacked by crazies and criminals.”

1) When did the Post ever refer to Occupy Wall Street as a credible protest? From the start, this terrible newspaper has ridiculed the protesters as dirty, stupid and/or wealthy Brooklynites (“trustifarians”) who think they’re being cool and/or alleviating the guilt they have for being wealthy.

2) The Post still hasn’t mentioned the numerous reports of the NYPD directing crazies and criminals to Zuccotti Park.

“No one has greater respect for the First Amendment than this paper.”

“And we certainly respect the right of Brookfield Properties, owner of the park, to permit the protests. But there comes a time when enough is enough… Sure, we understand the pressure the company’s been under — including, most shamefully, from cynical New York pols looking to cozy up to the heavily out-of-towner-based group, local radicals, and their manipulators in the labor unions seeking to capitalize on the ‘occupation.’”

“Brookfield wasn’t speaking yesterday. But surely, it wants the nightmare to end — even if it’s too frightened to say so.”

I like that the Post feels they can (surely) speak for Brookfield Properties.

B’also, am I right in thinking that the Post wouldn’t mind the protesters as much if they weren’t out-of-towners? If they were born-and-raised New Yorkers?

“Added the mayor, ‘Other people have rights, too, and I am very concerned about the other peoples’ rights, as well as those of the protesters.’ Spot on.”

Spot on? I can guarantee you that the person who wrote that wasn’t born anywhere in America, let alone New York.

“If they choose not to leave — which they probably won’t — then Bloomberg needs to instruct the NYPD to clean the mess up. Today wouldn’t be a day too soon.”

And that’s just the cover story. Pages 4 and 5 feature OTHER 99% FIRES BACK: Raging shop owners claim OWS scares away customers. In it, a jeweler blames the fact that his October sales in 2010 were double what they were this year entirely on OWS. It also contains this: “[Mayor Bloomberg] ordered cops to clear hundreds of metal barriers from Wall and Broad streets, and bluntly told the motley masses that their unruly antics were making life miserable for the people who live and work in the neighborhood. This isn’t an occupation of Wall Street. It’s an occupation of a growing, vibrant residential neighborhood in lower Manhattan, and it’s really hurting small businesses and families,’ Bloomberg fumed.”

I work across the street from Zuccotti Park. It is not a residential neighborhood.

“The complaints came a day after Marc Epstein, owner of the Milk Street Cafe on Wall Street, revealed that he was forced to lay off 21 workers after his business had plunged 30 percent since the protest began Sept. 17. After the barricades were removed, Epstein saw a ray of hope. ‘We’re so busy here — we haven’t been as busy as this in seven weeks,’ he said.”

But… but… the protesters are still in Zuccotti Park! How is it possible that Epstein’s business… unless… maybe the barricades that the NYPD put up were the real reason his business was down?

Bonus Points: Occupy Oakland — and the general strike they called for and got — gets the final sentence of the article — all nine words of it. “In Oakland, demonstrators shut down the city’s busy port.” Now that’s good journalism!

(this picture ran in The New York Times, who actually did some reporting on the strike)

“Tonye Iketubosin, 26, of Crown Heights, Brooklyn — who’s been working at the [OWS] protesters’ makeshift kitchen at Zuccotti Park since last month — was charged yesterday with sexual abuse in the groping an [sic] 18-year-old protester in the tent he helped her pitch on Oct. 24… The [victim] told cops about the pervy protester Tuesday night, telling officials she knew the man by sight… [Iketubosin] was apprehended soon afterward.”

But this must be the exception to the rule, as the Post continues to claim that the protesters refuse to tell the police about criminal activity in the park.

“Federal airport screeners find four or five handguns in people’s luggage every day, the head of the Transportation Security Administration revealed yesterday.”

Since we all know that the TSA finds only a fraction of the weapons people try to smuggle on planes, this makes me sad and afraid.

Fun Fact: The head of the TSA is… John Pistole.

Remember Lana Rosas? Maybe you remember her as Lana Rosa (the Post has a real problem with getting people’s names right)? She was punched by Oscar Fuller –over a parking spot on East 14th Street — so hard that she collapsed onto the pavement.

“The blow to the back of Rosas’ head caused so much swelling, doctors needed to remove a piece of skull from her forehead to relieve the pressure, according to testimony.”

The Post ran this photo of Rosas today:

And here’s the caption: “Lana Rosas, outside court yesterday, wears a helmet because part of her skull is being stored in her abdomen while she awaits reconstructive surgery.”

As for Mr. Fuller, his attorney announced yesterday that he is no loner pleading self-defense. “Instead, he will argue in closings slated for tomorrow that Fuller couldn’t have foreseen that his single punch would cause such a serious injury.”

Good luck with that, Oscar.

Pages 8 and 9 contain three stories. Each story is accompanied by SKANK #1, SKANK #2 or SKANK #3 in giant type.

SKANK #1 is Lindsay Lohan. ‘Jailed’ star nixed by nuns explains that Lindsay was sentenced to 30 days in jail yesterday and that nuns refused to let her perform her community service at their shelter (the Good Shepherd Center for Homeless Women) because they thought “she would be a bad example” t0 the women they serve.

Ha.

After her 30 days in jail (which I doubt will last more than 3 days), she’ll do another 424 hours of community service at the Los Angeles morgue. Well, she’ll be ordered to do it anyway.

SKANK #2 is Kim Kardashian. Kim’s ex: Gimme the rock reports that Kris Humphries wants the $2,000,000 engagement ring he gave to her back.

I don’t care either, but here are some things about the article that made me laugh:

1) The Post thought that most people wouldn’t know who the headline referred to if they went with Kris: Gimme the rock.

2) “‘It’d be the classy thing to return it, but she wouldn’t be out of form not [giving it back],’ said Daniel Post Senning, great-great-grandson of etiquette guru Emily Post.” I like to think that if Emily Post was still alive and the Post called her to comment on any aspect of Kim Kardashian’s wedding, she would yell “Eat a dick!” into the telephone and hang up.

3) “Kardashian said she didn’t want to undergo marriage counseling because ‘you have to listen to your intuition, and follow your heart.’” Also, E! passed on Kim & Kris: In Counselin’!

SKANK #3 is Mariah Yeater. BIEBER’S BABY BIMBO BLABBING reports that Yeater wants $12,000/month in child support from Justin Bieber. Candace Amos and Dan Mangan also report that Bieber’s reps called Yeater’s claims “‘malicious, defamatory and demonstrably false.’ [Bieber's] fanatical follower, meanwhile, used much more colorful language on Twitter.” He only has one follower on Twitter?

“As it turns out, because Bieber was — and remains — younger than California’s age of consent, Yeater’s claim of having sex with him when he was just 16 and she was 19 leaves her open to prosecution for statutory rape.” Don’t worry. After the DNA test, the DA will have no case against her.

Bonus Points: I looked in Google Images under “skank new york post” hoping to find the graphic they used for the “SKANK” headers. This was the first image that came up:

Page Six (today on pages 10 and 11) reports that Christine Quinn told a story about her grandmother yesterday at an event. Her grandmother was a passenger on the Titanic when it crashed. “When the boat was going down, most of the Catholics dropped to their knees and prayed, but my grandmother ran for it. She was one of the few survivors. She spoke to a priest about her guilt over it. He told her not to worry, because God knew she had figured out that you could run and pray at the same time.”

I look forward to voting for her.

According to S.A. Miller’s Third ’strike’ for Cain: New accuser surfaces — as he blames Perry, a third woman has come forward to say that Herman Cain sexually harassed her in the 1990s. But Herman Cain still refuses to discuss the allegations.

“[Cain] snapped at reporters hounding him in Washington. ‘Don’t even bother asking me all of these other questions that you are all curious about,’ he warned. When questions persisted, he barked: ‘What did I say? Excuse me. Excuse me!… What part of ‘no’ don’t people understand?’”

That’s what she said (to him when he was sexually harassing her)!

Andrea Peyser describes Lindsay Lohan as the “walking, breathing, drinking, drugging, obscene human train wreck” and “the product of scumbag dad Michael and trailer-trash mom Dina.” She also discusses Lindsay’s “sad, little sister, the actress Ali, whose dramatic, recent weight loss can’t be helping her career, her health or her looks. Have a sandwich, Ali, and forget about yourself.”

She goes on to say that Sautner “hinted that she could throw Lindsay in the slammer for 270 days.” Another warning? Surely this one will scare Lindsay straight, right? Right?

But the highlight of her page is Cain we give it a rest, already? (see what she did there?)

“This is what Herman Cain is not accused of doing: 1. Touching someone uninvited. 2. Propositioning a lady not his wife. 3. Making raunchy jokes or, heck, telepathically broadcasting them.”

Two pages earlier, S.A. Miller wrote: “The new allegations closely resembled the others: That Cain made sexually suggestive comments or gestures while president of the National Restaurant Association.”

But back to Mandrea. “Question: What’s more threatening to liberal rule than a black, conservative Republican presidential front-runner? Answer: Candidate Barack Obama.” Didn’t you hear, Ms. Peyser? He’s President Barack Obama now.

Boy, if it turns out that Cain really did harass those women (or worse), I hope Peyser issues an apology. And that her husband stays away from unattended children.

Cindy Adams relays something her “friend” allegedly said.

“My mother-in-law cooked Thanksgiving last year. I actually said grace over grease. It was gross.”

Get in grave.

“An Alabama auto dealer has been forced to fork over $7.5 million for calling a rival’s business ‘Taliban Toyota.’ The slander judgment was spurred by workers at Bob Tyler Toyota telling customers that nearby Eastern Shore Toyota, owned by an Iranian immigrant, gave money to Islamic militants.”

I did a little more research (as this is all the Post has on the story) and in addition to accusing him of being a member of the Taliban, manager Fred Kenner accused the Iranian immigrant (Shawn Esfahani) of being an Iraqi.

$20 says he also refers to Obama as a Nazi.

George J. Marlin’s op-ed Hang Tough, Andrew begins: “The radical leftist Working Families Party is pushing the old hippies and young narcissists of Occupy Wall Street to champion one of its pet issues.” Marlin later explains that Gov. Cuomo “must answer John Kennedy’s ‘call to responsibility,’ defined in Profiles in Courage as choosing the right side of an issue over the popular side.”

Marlin is referring to the expiration of the Millionaires Surcharge Tax.

Marlin believes that ignoring the majority of his constituents and allowing millionaires to pay less in taxes — despite our state’s deficit growing beyond Cuomo’s predictions — would be courageous.

Yeah, that’d be right up there with ending segregation and allowing women to vote.

Frank J. Fleming asks “Are we too sissy for freedom anymore?”

The answer is “everyone should stop reading Frank J. Fleming.”

Linda 3Starsi reviews AMC’s Hell on Wheels.

“Hell on Wheels is not a perfect show — there are too many missteps.”

She gives it… three stars.

And that’s Thursday.

More to come…

My friend Katie sent me this from my friend Rachael:

This is a picture of Rachael and Katie and our friend, Sharon (though not necessarily in that order):

They are all insane and I love and miss them much.

After I watched that video, I found this video:

Which led me to this:

And now, sleep.

EDITED TO ADD:

Ladies and gentlemen, still the GOP frontrunner.

B’also? Texas is catching up in the race for the 2011 competition to become America’s Shame.

Fuck you, Rep. Larry Taylor (R-Texas).

B’also’also? My friend Jodi Lennon was interviewed by the A.V. Club in Chicago. If you live in Chicago, go see her documentary (Marc Maron: The Voice of Something) at the Annoyance Theatre.

I worked a 12-hour day today. Tomorrow I’m working from 9-6, then I’m performing at the UCB with the insanely talented cast of Let’s Have A Ball. Then, I’m-a eat some Cuban food and go to sleep.

Have a great weekend!

1) Mariah Yeater, 20, has served Justin Bieber with a paternity suit in San Diego, “demanding that he take a DNA test. Yeater said she had sex with Bieber, now 17, after meeting him backstage at a Los Angeles concert last year, RadarOnline reported. Yeater was 19 when she allegedly hooked up with Bieber, who would have been 16 then… ‘He told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time… After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone — a bathroom,’ [Yeater] said, adding he refused to use a condom.”

I was going to make a joke about determining whether or not Yeater is carrying Bieber’s baby, baby, baby, oh, his baby, baby, baby, oh, but I decided it was too easy. Instead, here are a couple of photos of Yeater:

If you were Justin Bieber, is this who you’d want to lose your virginity to?

B’also? Can Mariah and Justin please go on Maury?

2) The Kim Kardashian story is about how her friends “yesterday launched a hardcore smear job on the reality-TV star’s hubby, New Jersey Net hoopster Kris Humphries, who had been recruited to play the glorified-extra role of groom in her made-for-TV wedding last month.” One of Kim’s “friends” told the Post that “[any establishment] who books [Humphries for endorsements or appearances] will be blacklisted [by Team Kardashian].”

How soon before Cindy Adams complains that there’s too much media coverage of the Kardashians? I’ll guess three days.

3) “The revolution has backfired. A heartbroken Shamil Cepada is one of 21 employees of a Wall Street cafe who just got laid off because business has bottomed out due to the ragtag Occupy Wall Street protesters.” Here’s the photo of owner/victim Marc Epstein sitting in his humble cafe that appears on page 7:

It’s such a shame that such a small cafe gets put out of business by Occupy Wall Street. Actually, I’m surprised that 21 people could work in such a tiny cafe. I’d love to know more about this place’s humble beginnings… oh, look. It’s an interview Epstein gave in June.

Waitaminute… this isn’t a small cafe! It’s a gigantic restaurant! Let’s take a tour!

So a giant restaurant (8,000 square feet for the restaurant, another 15,000 square feet for the kitchen) located at 40 Wall Street (aka The Trump Building) — almost four blocks away from Zuccotti Park — is blaming their financial difficulties solely on the OWS protesters? Really? It has nothing to do with their $10.50 soup? Or their $10.95 sandwiches? Or their $4.00 hot dogs? Or the $47.95 they charge for a dozen Sesame Chicken Satay skewers?

I guess it doesn’t. Otherwise the Post wouldn’t be able to use the follow-up headline REAL JOB KILLERS: Protesters force cafe layoffs as biz drops. Right?

By the way, every eatery around Zuccotti Park has been packed full every time I’ve been in the area. It has become a huge tourist draw.

B’also? Buried in the last paragraph of the 25-paragraph piece is this: “In another development, the protesters’ security team spotted a man suspected of sex assault in the encampment and notified cops. They took him into custody for questioning.” Does this mean the Post will apologize for yesterday’s editorial that insisted the protesters take pride in hiding crimes from the NYPD?

[SPOILER: No.]

“Herman Cain is turning past sexual-harassment allegations into a fund-raising bonanza, hauling in more than $250,000 Monday alone.”

Which shows you what kind of people support Cain. You know, the same ones who champion family values.

“The House yesterday cast a symbolic vote to reaffirm ‘In God We Trust’ as the US motto and encourage its placement in all public buildings and public schools.”

Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

“The looming state budget deficit ‘appears to be getting worse,’ Gov. Cuomo warned yesterday… ‘It’s fair to say’ that state revenue collections have ’slowed down’ and the projected deficit for the state fiscal year that begins on April 1 will top the $2.4 billion his administration officially forecast, Cuomo said.”

Hey, I just had an idea! You know what would provide the city with a billion dollars? Extending the millionaires tax!

“A blind man miraculously survived a terrifying fall yesterday onto Brooklyn subway tracks by rolling beneath the platform and avoiding an oncoming train.”

I predict the MTA will pay him a settlement of… $2,000,000.

Jon Huntsman recently referred to Mitt Romney as a “perfectly lubricated weather vane.”

Jon Huntsman is the only sane GOP presidential candidate. Which is why he has no chance.

Page Six (today on pages 12, 13 and 14) ran this photo today:

They say it’s Lady Gaga. But is it? I don’t think it looks like her, but I also don’t pay much attention to her.

After that Amy Winehouse photo they ran (that wasn’t actually a photo of Amy Winehouse), I can’t trust anything in Page Six.

Cindy Adams says: “May this country shrivel at Kim and kin and the whole family of Karcrashians. She itches to make money and be famous — fine. But thumbing your nose and shaking your behind at a second go-round of marriage is horrendous.”

Judges?

The judges say that this isn’t a plea for America to stop talking about Kim and her kin and her family and her relatives. So my prediction that she’ll make that plea in two days might still come true.

Unless she dies painfully before then.

“A Republican lawmaker [Sen. Marty Golden] vowed yesterday to kill a proposal that would make it easier for New Yorkers to find a parking spot in their neighborhoods.”

“Two Brooklyn pols are pushing the idea in anticipation of the opening of the new Barclays Center, an 18,000-seat arena for the NBA Nets in Prospect Heights that will have just 1,100 parking spots.”

$20 says Marty Golden has a garage. And doesn’t live near the Barclays Center.

“French producers are planning to make a porn film about the scandal surrounding Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his alleged sexual assault of a New York maid.”

The working title is DXK and, surprisingly, Strauss-Kahn will not be playing himself.

But if they cast him as the maid, I’ll buy a copy.

Remember that sentence from yesterday’s paper that I told you to remember? Here it is again: “While unionized state workers are getting hit with three years of wage freezes, and Gov. Cuomo and his top aides are taking 5 percent wage hikes, state Senate Republicans are doling out pay hikes to most of their Capitol staffers, The Post has learned.” And here’s why I told you to remember it:

Correction

“Due to an editing error, yesterday’s edition of The Post incorrectly reported that Gov. Cuomo gave raises to his staff after he came into office, when, in fact, he reduced his salary and the pay of his top aides by 5 percent.”

Oops.

From the editorial Leadership at Zuccotti Park:

“OWSers (and the prospect of free food, drugs and sex) have lured all sorts of unsavory types, outright criminals included. Many clearly see the First Amendment as a license to break the law.” Surprisingly (I write sarcastically), the Post still hasn’t written about the allegations being made that the NYPD is sending mentally-unstable homeless people and criminals to Zuccotti Park.

If you are drinking anything, swallow it before you read the next sentence.

“No one is a greater defender of free speech than we are.”

I told you to swallow, Kevin!

Kurt Schlichter’s op-ed FACTS ARE OPTIONAL: How sex-harass suits work defends Herman Cain because, where sexual-harassment claims are concerned, “Facts are optional. Maybe Cain did harass some employees. But the dirty little secret among lawyers that defend business people from lawsuits — and among those lawyers who bring them — is that an enormous percentage of such claims are frivolous, if not flat-out lies.”

So… Cain might be guilty, but many of these claims are frivolous, so we shouldn’t treat him like he’s guilty. Even if he is.

“Where sexual-harassment law once protected women from being forced to be the playthings of crude lechers, it’s been transformed to enforcing a prim puritanism that drains the humor and humanity from the workplace.”

“Cain is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn’t — and the liberal media is going to damn well enjoy harassing him.”

No, he’s damned if he did. Especially after all of the denials he’s been issuing.

The Yankees re-signed Brian Cashman to a three-year contract and added a year (and a surprisingly small amount of money) to CC Sabathia’s current four-year contract.

Sadly, A.J. Burnett is still alive.

Linda 3Starsi reviews Bravo’s Top Chef: Texas. She gives it…

…three stars.

Bonus Points: Maxine Shen provides a sidebar to let people know what Top Chef’s past winners are up to. That’s where I learned that Season 2’s “Ilan Hall blends ethnic flavors at his Los Angeles restaurant, The Gorbals, where he’s currently working on a bacon-flavored pina colada.” Good luck with that, Ilan.

And that’s Wednesday.

I’m off to a rehearsal and I’m working tomorrow and Saturday, so updates will be terse for a couple of days. But I’ll catch up ASAP.

The weekend is almost here! Yay!

Awww… but they seemed so vapid together…

“After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best,” said Kim in a prepared statement.

But her husband, Kris Humphries, allegedly found out about the divorce via Twitter. He released a counter-statement: “I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce. I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.” Poor Kris Humphries. He thinks there’s still a chance that his sham marriage can be saved.

“‘It was pretty much an arranged marriage right from the start,’ a Keeping up [sic] with the Kardashians insider told RadarOnline. ‘Kim was looking for a husband, and Kris was selected for her, amongst others,’ the insider said. ‘She wasn’t into him, but she hoped she would be able to develop some feelings, but it never happened.’” Poor Kris Humphries.

So if we take the $17,000,000 the couple (allegedly) made for their sham wedding and divide it first by the 72 days they were married, and then in half, they each earned roughly $118,055.56 for every day they spent as husband and wife.

The Post includes a list of “10 things longer than Kim’s marriage” that they selected from Twitter. Number 10 is “Minute rice.” HAHAHAHAHAHA… wait. That doesn’t make any sense. “Minute rice’s cooking time” makes sense, but “Minute rice” doesn’t.

Andrea Peyser gets in her licks with For richer, or richer: Inevitable collapse of a scam marriage, which begins, “She’s a fame whore for hire who became fabulously wealthy not for her looks, brains, sex appeal or talent. But for the super-sized quality of her protruding butt.” Um… that could actually be considered sex appeal, Mandrea.

“He’s tall, dark, athletic and exceptionally, stupendously, over-the-top dumb. The only mystery remaining is how any human so lacking in brain function could summon the ability to walk upright.” Poor Kris Humphries.

“It was a pairing born in an agent’s office, and spawned in amoral Hollywood… The marriage was nothing more than a profitable scam, one bought by heavy-set romantics who live their entire lives hoping for a shot at getting into bed with a Hump-Dashian.” Fat people are horny and stupid, and Hollywood is made up entirely of amoral (read: gay) liberal scum. Duly noted, ugly harridan.

“But within days [of the marriage], Humphries found himself on an airplane across the aisle from his wife’s sex-tape partner, Ray J. The worst came when Humphries didn’t punch the guy in the face.” Yeah, that part was the worst!

I can’t wait for Peyser’s divorce.

Scarlett Johansson told Vanity Fair that the leaked photos of her were from three years ago and were sent to her then-husband, Ryan Reynolds.

“She also said for the first time that she was the one who snapped the two nude photos.”

The Post neglects to mention that, in one of the two photos, she is clearly taking the picture of herself — as evidenced by the mirror she’s standing in front of.

The page 3 EXCLUSIVE by Laura Italiano, Frank Rosario and Bob Fredericks (OCCUPY ‘BALL’ STREET: Rush for STD tests) explains that “Occupy Wall Street protesters are flocking to nearby health clinics for STD and HIV testing after getting their freak on in ’60s-style hookups with crusty strangers, sources told The Post yesterday.”

In a related story, sources told me yesterday that everyone at the Post is required to insert a turnip in their rectum upon entering the office. And at the end of the day, the editorial staff makes a big pot of turnip soup that everyone eats before going home. And that everyone there is crusty.

“Also yesterday, a man [Felix Rivera-Pitre] who was punched in the head by a [sic] NYPD deputy inspector met with prosecutors to try to have the cop charged with misdemeanor assault.” To paraphrase Yoda, dear prosecutors, there is no try. Only do or do not. So do.

Geoff Earle reports on President Obama’s recent physical: “The president’s 10-year chance of heart disease stands at just 2 percent. He also screened negative for other top killers, like colon cancer.”

In other words, he’s healthy.

“The ‘Taxi of Tomorrow,’ unveiled by officials yesterday, includes a magic ceiling that absorbs all odors that leave New Yorkers holding their noses. The fresher-smelling ride comes courtesy of eco-friendly compounds added to the ceiling, said a rep for Nissan, which is designing the state-of-the-art taxi.”

To the Post, eco-friendly compounds = magic. Which helps explain why they portray environmentalists as hippie imbeciles.

Geoff Earle’s CAIN FEELING HEAT: Calls sex-harass charges ‘witch hunt’ quotes Herman Cain as saying, “This bull’s-eye on my back has gotten bigger. We have no idea about the source of this witch hunt.”

But we’re talking about Herman Cain, so naturally he changed his tune later that day.

Cain also said, “I’ll never know why Jesus came to love me so.” Presumably because he knows he’s going to Hell when he dies.

And he denied having any knowledge of a settlement. “I am unaware of any sort of settlement. I hope it wasn’t for much, because I didn’t do anything. It couldn’t have been very much money, or I would have had to know about it.” This paper was printed Monday night so by the time people started reading it, Cain had already amended his story to saying the women got two months’ salary. Later that day, he changed it to a full year’s salary (after more reputable media made that information public). But rather than show you clips of him talking nonsense, here’s a clip of other people talking nonsense for him.

“Can’t police no underwear.”

Page Six is on pages 10 and 11 today.

Cindy Adams remains hilarious.

“So she says to her boyfriend: ‘Talk dirty to me,’ and the guy says: ‘Madoff.’”

You know what would be even more hilarious? Cindy Adams’ remains.

Remember when Deputy Senate Majority Leader Thomas Libous (R-Binghamton) said he’d consider backing an extension to the millionaires tax (he called it “thinking outside the box”)? That was 13 days ago. Since then, the GOP made it clear that that wasn’t an option, so he went on Albany’s Talk 1300 AM radio to publicly change his mind.

“I am unequivocally against it. Thinking outside the box may include a lot of other things… We should stand firm [against the millionaires tax].”

Power to (a very small percentage of) the people!

Erik Kriss’s (EXCLUSIVE) State’s GOP in hell-rai$er begins, “While unionized state workers are getting hit with three years of wage freezes, and Gov. Cuomo and his top aides are taking 5 percent wage hikes, state Senate Republicans are doling out pay hikes to most of their Capitol staffers, The Post has learned. The pay increases, as the state struggles with budget cuts and falling revenues, average 6 percent and are worth nearly $1 million on an annual basis… Senate payroll records show that 19 Republican staffers who make six-figure salaries received raises — including the son of Sen. Hugh Farley (R-Schenectady).”

“Senate Democratic and Assembly staffers have not received raises this year.”

Remember the first sentence of this article.

The maid (Mildred Patricia Baena) who had Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child (Joseph Baena) took him to Fright Night at Six Flags Magic Mountain. He went in costume…

…as Conan the Barbarian.

His father wore it better.

“Chinese scientists believe they’ve found a way to make blood from rice. The medical advantage is that, unlike donated human blood, it won’t be able to transmit diseases.”

Would they use brown rice for minorities?

John Podhoretz’s Selfish book worms: Ruth & Bernie’s new disgrace is a half-page complaint about all of the attention the Madoffs have been getting recently. “The Madoffs are dull. The boys are dull. Their women are dull. The crooked father is dull. The mother/wife is dull.”

Having read the 17 Madoff-related articles the Post has published in the last two weeks, I wholeheartedly agree.

There are two editorials today.

Ambushing Herman Cain is notable only for this sentence: “Anonymous ’sexual harassment’ charges have been exhumed against [Cain] by Politico, the left-tilting, Web-centric press organization.”

Rather than respond myself, here’s something David Feldman posted on Facebook a few days ago: “Politico broke the Herman Cain sexual harassment story. Which means the story was leaked from within the GOP. It did not come from the DNC. Here’s why: Politico is owned by Robert Allbritton. Allbritton has extensive ties to the CIA and was Pinochet’s banker as well as the Saudi’s. Allbritton’s bank was pretty much shut down, and he had to pay multi million dollar fines in 2004 for money laundering. Politico, like Fox News, has the veneer of objectivity but it is in fact an arm of the right wing propaganda machine. Cain’s sexual harassment story came from within the wing of the GOP that wants Romney.”

The other editorial is Zuccotti Anarchy. Here are some excerpts:

“The protesters are taking a perverse pride in refusing to cooperate with authorities — organized crime’s ‘omerta’ tradition resonates — but the romance of that will evaporate quickly enough when the serious injuries start to pile up.”

“Among the drugs apparently being abused in the park is crystal meth — in its own way, a violence vector akin to what crack was two decades ago. Apart from that, the Zuccotti Park encampment has been attracting the emotionally disturbed, petty criminals and garden-variety vagrants all along.”

“Just as one may not falsely shout fire in the proverbial crowded theater, the First Amendment may not be properly be used to cover for a crime wave.”

“The Occupy Wall Street squat-in has passed its sell-by date — at least in its present form.”

That last part made me do a double-take. For the first time, the Post intimates that there is a modicum of value to the OWS movement. Will it last?

[SPOILER: No.]

There’s also an op-ed from Karol Markowicz about Herman Cain titled Why This Guy’s No Sexual Harasser. Her argument is that she worked for him in 2004 and he didn’t sexually harass her. And, really, who could resist Karol?

Her whole argument is that Cain is well-spoken and influential. But if you get to the 12th (of 14) paragraph, you’ll see this: “None of this means that a well-spoken, influential man can’t also be a sexual harasser.”

I want my five minutes back.

“Phoenix [Coyotes] forward Raffi Torres is being criticized for wearing blackface while dressed as rapper Jay-Z at a Halloween party.” Here’s a picture of Torres (and his wife, Gianna Santeramo-Torres, dressed as Beyoncé — also in blackface) at that party:

“The Coyotes issued a statement denouncing the reaction or claims that Torres is racist.”

Not the decision to wear blackface (and blackarms and blacklegs), but the reaction to that decision.

Yet another reason to not care about hockey!

As of today, I have won the same number of 2011 NFL games as the Miami Dolphins (0-7) and the Indianapolis Colts (0-8).

And that’s Tuesday.

More to come…

“George Clooney’s ex-gal pal Elisabetta Canalis delivered an ego-crushing blow to Tinseltown’s most famous bachelor, saying he was more of a father than a lover to her. ‘Between us, there was more of a father-daughter relationship. I was unable to clarify this up ’til now,’ Canalis says in Questo Amore (This Love), a book by journalist Bruno Vespa.”

But this should come as no surprise, as the Post has spent many years telling us that all Hollywood liberals are gay.

There’s yet another article on the Madoffs on page 4 (Life as Bernie’s ’shield’), this time focusing on Andrew (and his book, Truth and Consequences: Life Inside the Madoff Family) and Ruth (and her 60 Minutes interview), and their relationship with Bernie. As with just about every other Post article on the Madoffs I’ve read over the last week or two (and there have been puh-lenty), there is almost nothing of interest to anyone whose last name isn’t Madoff. But I’ll admit this part made me laugh out loud:

“Despite her claims of ignorance, Ruth confessed she might not have dropped a dime on Bernie had she learned of the scheme earlier. ‘That would’ve been tough, but I, I would have left [him],’ she said. ‘Whether I’d turn him in or not, I don’t know. I like to think I would have, but, I, I, I couldn’t say. I’m being completely honest with you, I have to say.’”

Translation: I’m being completely honest when I tell you I’m not completely honest.

Frank Rosario and Andy Campbell’s HIPSTER GRUBBERS DINE A LA DUMPSTER begins, “Brooklyn hipsters have found a new way of filling their bellies that would probably turn your stomach — rummaging for and then feasting on expensive food that grocery chains toss in the trash.”

They go on to explain that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the food they find (including individually-wrapped-in-plastic sandwiches and bottles of Izze sparkling soda), which is thrown out by places like Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, Starbucks, Gristedes, D’Agostino and 7-Eleven because it’s past the sell-by date (not the expiration date). These “hipsters” sound a lot like “freegans,” right? WRONG.

“[Ashley] Fields and her pals aren’t part of the ‘freegan’ movement, in which environmentalists live off throw-away [sic] food as a political statement against corporate waste and big agri-business. These Dumpster divers are just in it for cheap food.”

Actually, guys, they’re in it for free food. And I honestly don’t understand why this makes them hipsters. They seem pretty darn practical to me.

OWS camp gets really commie-cal begins, “Some 50 Occupy Wall Street protesters saw red yesterday — giving an enthusiastic welcome to a genuine communist. Alex Callinicos, a professor of European Studies at Kings College in London, announced to his rapt audience, ‘I am a Marxist.’”

“He said violence could be avoided only if the ‘1 percent accept the decisions of the 99 percent,’ which he predicted would never happen.”

Boy, this commie sounds a lot like Pat Buchanan, who recently predicted that the OWS movement is “going to end very, very badly with these folks in the winter and they’re not going to be getting publicity and they’re going to be acting up and acting badly like the worst of the demonstrators in the 60s. They’re going to start fighting with the cops.”

Um… Pat? The cops started fighting with the protesters weeks ago. One even hit a veteran in the head with a tear gas cannister  — giving him brain damage — and then another (or was it the same cop?) threw a flash grenade at the protesters coming to his aid. But keep pushing your narrative, you Holocaust-denying racist.

S.A. Miller’s Cain ’sex’ bombshell: Accusers paid off: report is all about how Herman Cain was accused of sexual harassment by “at least” two female employees during his tenure as president of the National Restaurant Association.

“Cain spokesman J.D. Gordon told The Post that the candidate was the victim of a smear campaign of ‘unsubstantiated personal attacks.’”

Fun Fact: Part of the settlement the NRA and the women reached prevents them from discussing the incidents.

The piece also includes Cain’s explanation of why he released a campaign ad of his campaign manager, Mark Block, smoking a cigarette: “One of the themes within this campaign is ‘Let Herman be Herman.’ Mark is a smoker and we say, ‘Let Mark be Mark.’ We believe ‘Let People be People.’”

Ladies and gentlemen, the current GOP frontrunner.

“The world’s 7 billionth person will be born shortly after 1 p.m. today, according to the UN Population Fund.”

When I was in the 1st grade (31 years ago), there were 4 billion people on the planet. That means that there are a billion more people on the planet roughly every 10 years.

Yikes.

I read in Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13) that Kim Kardashian dressed up as Poison Ivy for Halloween.

This made me sad, as the Batman part of my brain (which is most of it) has now been infiltrated by the talentless marriage-mocking celebrity. But then I found a photo of the actual costume.

She didn’t go as the comic-book Poison Ivy! She went as the Poison Ivy in Batman & Robin — one of the biggest failures in Hollywood history!

Just like her sham marriage!

From Cindy Adams’ column:

“Brian Grazer is to awards what DSK is to a woman’s body — the guy’s had his share.” Dominique Strauss-Kahn molests and ejaculates on women’s bodies, but he’s never won a woman’s body (to my knowledge). This is a horrible analogy.

“FLASH: Bookings down at lodges in our national parks. It’s either the economy or maybe whoever wants to see nature in the raw is watching Kim Kardashian’s show.” FLASH: This is gibberish. Die.

Andrea Peyser’s DANCING WITH REALITY chastises Chaz Bono, who was recently voted off of Dancing With the Stars. “Chaz says he wants to be treated like everyone else. But he thinks he’s immune to criticism, unlike anyone else… ‘Being compared to animals and round objects didn’t help me mature as a dancer,’ Chaz griped to Jimmy Kimmel.”

I hunted down the clip Mandrea is referring to. Skip ahead to 2:20 where Chaz says “I don’t have any problem being on that show and being critiqued about my dancing. I was hoping for that. That’s how you learn and that’s how you get better.” Then he says what Peyser said he said (though he says “grow” not “mature”). Does he seem bitter to you? Is he griping? Or does he have a smile on his face?

Oh well. Maybe one day Peyser will mature up.

“Two managers of a Domino’s Pizza have been busted for allegedly burning down a Papa John’s. Sean Everett Davidson, 23, and Bryan David Sullivan, 22, have allegedly confessed.”

Where did this happen, readers? Was it South Carolina? Texas? Florida?

Answer: It happened in Lake City, Florida.

Weekend Box Office:

The Rum Diary premiered in 5th ($5,135,369), Footloose dropped from 3rd to 4th ($5,502,026), In Time premiered in 3rd ($12,050,368), Paranormal Activity 3 dropped from 1st to 2nd, and Puss in Boots opened in 1st ($34,077,439).

A Nightmare on Elm Street’s Freddy Kruger “is the favorite scary figure of all time, while The Exorcist still can’t be beaten for overall scariest movie, according to a Halloween-themed survey my MTV.”

MTV is doing everything these days… except playing music videos.

Michael A. Walsh’s Making Taxes Fairer applauds Rick Perry for proposing a flat tax — “the only kind of income tax that makes any sense.”

The Vulcan Muppet makes the same false claims he makes all the time (that nearly half the population pays nothing, that the rich already pay too much, that Paul Ryan’s Atlas Shrugged II: The Path to Prosperity isn’t a horrible idea).

He’s adorable.

Kris Jenner (mother of Kim Kardashian) has a new book (Kris Jenner… and All Things Kardashian) that’ll be in stores tomorrow. In it she reveals that Nicole Brown Simpson called her on the day she was murdered, begging to talk to her. But Kris told her “she was tied up.”

“‘It would be the last time I would ever speak to Nicole,’ Jenner writes.”

“I instinctively knew that in some way O.J. had something to do with [Nicole's] death,” Jenner also writes.

Fun Fact: Kris Jenner used to be married to Robert Kardashian, one of O.J.’s many, many attorneys in that murder trial.

Nice try, Kris, but America still cares more about your idiot daughter’s divorce.

And that’s Monday.

See you tomorrow!

“District attorneys in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and Staten Island have dismissed tips that cops in their areas are involved in the ticket-fixing scandal — despite The Bronx DA’s indictment of as many as 500 as many as 400 16 on felony charges. Politically, ‘no one wants to touch it,’ a source said.”

(from the follow-up on page 7) “The elected DAs also have to worry about the political fallout of declaring war on the NYPD in cop-friendly boroughs. ‘They don’t want to shoot themselves in the foot,’ said a law-enforcement source. ‘[Bronx DA Robert] Johnson shot himself in the foot. His already-abysmal conviction rate will get even lower.”

So the police plan on doing sloppier work — and letting more criminals go unpunished and/or purposely botch cases that are brought before a judge? Isn’t there a (great many) law(s) against doing that?

“Germany’s mountain of national debt has been declared $78 billion lower because of a bad calculation by a mortgage lender.”

Silly Germany. Don’t they know that debt is never the fault of the mortgage lenders? It’s those Spendocrats in Washington!

Yesterday’s 1.2 inches of snowfall from a “freak killer wintery storm” broke the New York record for October (since 1925, it was 0.8 inches). In the last 135 years, we’d had snow in October just four times (including yesterday).

“More than half a million were without power in New Jersey — including Gov. Chris Christie.”

Christie reportedly panicked and ate his family and house.

Tim Perone’s Herman surges in Iowa reports that “Herman Cain’s surprising climb to the top of the Republican presidential field continues as a significant new poll released last night has him leading the pack in the all-important state of Iowa.” The article also mentions Mitt Romney (who got 22% to Cain’s 23%), Michele Bachmann (who “embarrassingly fell 14 points from the August straw poll, which she won”) and Rick Perry (who “was in fifth place with 7 percent”).

Not mentioned? Ron Paul, who won two separate tallies for the National Federation of Republican Assemblies Presidential Straw Poll — one of them with 82% of the vote.

“A dozen Americans were among 17 people killed in a suicide bomb attack in Kabul yesterday that underscores Afghanistan’s instability as the United States and other nations withdraw troops.”

Actually, what the deaths underscore is that we aren’t withdrawing quickly enough.

Michael Goodwin complains that Hillary Clinton gloated and laughed about Moammar Khadafy’s death on a video, “saying, ‘We came, we saw, he died.’ Now imagine the outrage if a Republican behaved that way.’”

You mean like when Mike Huckabee said, “Welcome to Hell, bin Laden” after his death?

Or how the GOP’s most influential member (Rush Limbaugh) responded to Khadafy’s death (“Barry did it!  Barry did it again!  He killed another bad guy. Barry did it!  Now, Hillary is over there, and she might want to take credit for pulling the trigger, but Barry did it, folks.  Mubarak gone.  Ali Velshi or whatever of Tunisia gone, Bin Laden gone, Khadafy gone, Barry did it!  The Drive-Bys are having orgasms.  We’ve never had this competent a foreign policy president ever.  Why, this guy, Barry, has done what eight presidents starting with Nixon couldn’t do.  Reagan tried it. Nixon tried it.  Every president since Nixon tried to get rid of Khadafy, but Barry did it.”)?

Goodwin also has a lot to say about Occupy Wall Street (‘Lord of Flies’ in Zuccotti Park).

“Their invasion is costing downtown Manhattan businesses and residents a boatload of money. But watching the Occupy Wall Street vagabonds bang their heads against the laws of human nature — that’s priceless!”

“In fact, the problems the protesters face are almost enough for me to hope the police don’t break up the party. The Lord of the Flies descent from utopia to petty power struggles, in front of TV cameras, is a political-science lesson, not to mention deliciously ironic. Running a protest movement apparently involves a lot of dirty work and isn’t so much fun. Imagine how hard it is to run the world!” OK, so Goodwin is an asshole. We’ve known this for some time. But wait — it gets better.

“A radical group called the Alliance for Global Justice is legally sponsoring the protest… Its Web site says the group sponsors operations in the Gaza Strip, with Hamas, and boasts of an alliance with Anarchists Against the Wall, which contests Israel’s security barrier in the West Bank. The group suggests it has a relationship with Iran, supported the Sandinista revolution in Nicaragua and expresses solidarity with Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez against the United States.” So if you support OWS, the terrorists win.

“On the campaign trail, [Obama] often invokes the phrase ‘We can’t wait’ for Congress to act. The Global Justice site links to a group called The World Can’t Wait that has the latest information on the occupations. Hmmmm.” OMG! Obama is also a terrorist! And so is the band Nu Shooz!

Page Six is on pages 10 and 11 today.

“Cops in Indianapolis are searching for a guy who broke into a day-care center, found the children’s bathing suits, and tried on several before strolling through the building in a two-piece pink bikini.”

Andrea Peyser’s husband, Mark Phillips, has neither confirmed nor denied his guilt.

Fishermen found a three-eyed fish in a reservoir near a nuclear power plant in Cordoba, Argentina.

Not quite as adorable as The Simpsons led me to believe it would be.

Susannah Cahalan’s MEET THE WORST FAMILY ON EARTH: A glimpse inside the heartless, miserable, greedy and vain world of the Madoffs (also featured on today’s cover) features photos and bios of what we can only assume are the five worst Madoffs: Bernie, Ruth, Andrew, Mark and Stephanie.

And how is Stephanie heartless, miserable, greedy and/or vain?

“Mark Madoff’s second and last wife had met with a divorce lawyer and changed her last name — two things that made Mark even more despondent. Andrew blames Stephanie for ‘taking a bad situation and making it worse.’”

What a bitch.

Southern Peru was hit with a magnitude-6.9 earthquake yesterday.

Thus disproving global warming climate change.

Kate Hudson’s father Bill Hudson’s new book (Two Versions: The Other Side of Fame and Family) “portrays his ex-wife [Goldie Hawn] as a cocaine-sniffing sexpot who loved European men and referred to herself in the third person.”

That still doesn’t explain why Kate Hudson married that old hippie… or does it?

More Occupy Wall Street coverage on page 23!

ZUCCOTTI PERV: Fiend attacks protester in her tent reports that “A sex fiend barged into a woman’s tent and sexually assaulted her at around 6 a.m., said protesters, who chased him from the park. ‘Pervert! Pervert! Get the fuck out!’ said vigilante Occupiers, who never bothered to call the cops.”

A woman “who called herself Leslie, but refused to give her real name” (allegedly) told the Post that “weeks earlier another woman was raped. ‘We don’t tell anyone,’ she said. ‘We handle it internally. I said too much already.’” Sounds like she’s afraid of her fellow Occupiers.

Not mentioned in the Post is this:

Hey! Sam was right!

GET A GRIPE!: No matter how hard it tries, New York can’t outlaw being annoying is Kyle Smith’s latest smug and hateful attack on people who didn’t go to Yale and don’t believe what he does.

On his list of things the city should do to improve (his) life is to “cool it on the Christmas culture and dial back expectations so the kiddies won’t bleed us dry.” He’s waging a War on Christmas! Tell Mandrea and Bill O’Reilly!

B’also? Kyle doesn’t have any kids because he’s against gay adoption. So I’m not sure how he expects to get bled dry. Though I hope he does.

Today’s context-less Harris poll asks “Republican voters” the following: “If you were voting in a primary today, who would you vote for?”

Herman Cain placed 2nd with 20%, Mitt Romney placed 3rd with 17% and Rick Perry came in 4th with 11%. The other candidates all got single-digit support (Newt Gingrich — 7%, Ron Paul and Michele Bachmann — 4%, Rick Santorum and Jon Huntsman — 1%).

So who came in 1st with 32%? Not sure.

I wonder who his running mate will be.

From Peggy Noonan’s While Rep. Ryan rises: “Occupy Wall Street makes an economic critique that echoes the president’s, though more bluntly: the rich are bad, down with the elites. It’s all ad hoc, more poetry slam than platform. Too bad it’s not serious in it’s substance.”

She goes on to lavish praise on Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin). “I don’t think his role in the current has been fully recognized. He is doing something unique in national politics. He thinks. He studies. He reads. Then he comes forward to speak, calmly and at some length, about what he believes to be true.”

And what he believes to be true is what Ayn Rand believed to be true (before she collected Social Security and Medicare benefits). B’also? Ryan has his constituents arrested for asking him questions.

Brooklyn’s David Podesta writes in to object to Obama’s new college-loan plan. “I couldn’t pony up the money to put my own kids through college. I’ll be damned if I want to pay for someone else’s kids to be educated.”

USA! USA! USA!

Michael Riedel’s NIGHTMARE ON 39TH STREET includes a photo of the author “drenched in fear and an unknown liquid” and this: “I got drenched, and was forced to put my hand in places that gave me pause. I was also forced to put something in my mouth that you won’t find on the menu at Orso.”

He gives it four stars.

ASK ASHLEY!

Last weekend my soon-to-be ex-husband called asking for sex to see if there’s anything still there. I’ve moved on so my answer was no. Now he is threatening to stall the divorce. How do I get him to move along and also calm my current boyfriend who is aware of what’s going on? — Thrown for a loop, Manhattan

ASHLEY: “If someone wants to see if there is ‘anything still there,’ they shouldn’t jump right into sex, especially after being separated!”

ME: “Have sex with him and shit the bed in the middle of it.”

I eloped with my husband six years ago after knowing each other for three months. We faced a lot of judgment from our friends and family. We have now hit a rough spot in our marriage. We’re in counseling and it’s going well, but whenever I bring it up with a girlfriend of mine I get the same eye-rolling looks I got back then. She actually said, “That’s what happens when you marry a guy you don’t even know” in front of a group of people. We’ve been married six almost-always happy years. How do I let her know firmly but nicely that she’s being mean? — Anna, Park Slope

ASHLEY: “A friend should voice her opinion once, but then move on. Frankly, she is acting like a moron.”

ME: “By telling her. Frankly, you are acting like a moron.”

And that’s Sunday.

More to come…