Posts Tagged ‘Brooklyn’

I hate the MTA.

On Saturday night, I braved the sleet and winds to get from my warm and cozy home to the UCB for Let’s Have A Ball. I took the same route I always do — the F to Jay Street-Metrotech where I switch to an A or C (if an A comes first, I get out at 14th Street and wait for a C or E to 23rd Street; if a C comes first, I take it all the way to 23rd).

Due to the weather I expected delays, but I always give myself plenty of time to get to the UCB (I prefer to arrive early and read over racing against the clock and giving myself an ulcer). When we arrived at Jay Street, the recorded announcement told me to “transfer here for the A, C and R train.” So I did.

An A showed up 10 minutes later and announced that it would be traveling on the F line until 4th Street. That made me sad (I got off an F Train 10 minutes ago — I would have taken it to 4th Street and switched to a C or E there had I known the A — and I assumed the C, as well — was becoming an F train), but I still had plenty of time and an Onion crossword to do.

When we got to 4th Street, the conductor said, “Next stop: 14th Street.” But I noticed we were still on the F line despite the previous announcement that said we’d be back on the A line from 4th Street on. The weather being what it was, I didn’t want to have to walk from 23rd Street and 6th Avenue to 26th Street and 8th Avenue. So I got off and raced upstairs to wait for a C or E. An E finally showed up and I got on. Ten minutes went by before the conductor announce, “This train isn’t going anywhere. If you want to go to 34th Street, go downstairs.”

A mob of already-frustrated straphangers raced downstairs only to find an empty platform. Eventually, an E arrived (on the F line) and I got on. After ten minutes, the conductor explained that there had been “an incident” at 59th Street and there was no service on the A, C and E lines. Five minutes later, we started moving.

I got to 23rd Street and 6th Avenue at 7:15. I called the UCB and asked them to let Becky and Kay know that I would be there ASAP and to hold the curtain until I got there (we were the only three performers because everyone else was out of town and Brandon’s plane to NYC was cancelled that morning). I was told (in a very polite way) that I didn’t have the authority to hold the curtain but they’d suggest it to the theater manager. If it wasn’t sleeting and if there wasn’t three inches of slush on the ground, I would’ve had no problem getting to the theater by 7:25. But it was (and there was), so I hurriedly slid into hordes of umbrella-toting pedestrians staring at the ground (instead of watching where they were going) until I got to the theater at 7:28. No curtain holding was necessary.

The show was fun and I was smart enough to pick up some empanadas for the journey home (I had to wait 25 minutes for an F train at Jay Street, but they were a delicious 25 minutes), but I saw something on the F train that made me glad that I had already eaten my dinner (as I would have immediately lost my appetite if I had one). I took a picture of the poster, but I found a less blurry photo at Fucked in Park Slope:

What this means: Starting on November 14th (and [allegedly] ending in “Spring 2012″), no southbound F or G trains will stop at the station I live above. This is the opposite of what happened last time (no northbound trains stopped there for a few months), and slightly more preferable (it will add no time to my commute to work in the morning, but it will require me to travel past my stop and transfer to a northbound train every time I am coming back from work or the grocery store or a rehearsal).

Bonus Points: FiPS also points out that the poster’s (alleged) finish date is different than the one on the MTA’s Web site.

I really and truly despise the MTA.

“As as many as 500 as many as 400 16 cops were hauled into Bronx Supreme Court yesterday to answer for the massive NYPD ticket-fixing scandal, and hundreds of officers protested outside, new details emerged on how the suspects made the summonses disappear.”

“IT’S A COURTESY NOT A CRIME” was a popular sign, as was “‘IT’S BEEN GOING ON SINCE THE DAYS OF THE EGYPTIANS.’ MAYOR MIKE BLOOMBERG.“ But my favorite is this: “JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS” (which you might remember as the most common defense at the Nuremberg Trials).

It looks like they’re standing in the street, doesn’t it? That’s a crime! Why isn’t anyone beating them with batons and pepper-spraying their eyes?

“Families worried about loved ones with Alzheimer’s getting disoriented and wandering off can now get them walking shoes with built-in GPS devices.”

But they’ll only work if the person wearing them forgets how to take them off.

There’s a story about how the new racino at Aqueduct Racetrack had to turn people away from their grand opening. I only mention it because it introduced me to my new favorite name: “‘This wait is crazy!’ said prospective gambler Inosent Carver, of Queens.”

His parents, Nahtgiltee Stabber and Akwidid Slasher, had no comment.

“Two off-duty NYPD officers were arrested yesterday morning charged with driving while intoxicated. Police officer Ariel Rosa, 26, was arrested after the rookie allegedly hit a parked car on Moffat Street in Bushwick  at 4:25 a.m. yesterday…He’s been suspended for 30 days without pay. Meanwhile, Officer Michael Botros, 29, was arrested near 150th Avenue and Lefferts Boulevard in South Ozone Park at about 7:40 a.m. yesterday, and also charged with driving while intoxicated.”

I don’t know who watches the watchmen, but I know who gently slaps their wrists.

“Firefighters powered down Occupy Wall Street yesterday, seizing protesters’ electric generators as the grungy horde prepared for the season’s first blast of wintery weather.”

The grungy horde? Fuck you, Antonio Antenucci and Bill Sanderson.

“Mayor Bloomberg said the seizure was made ‘just to make sure everybody’s safe.’”

Because what could make the protesters safer than removing the things that keep them warm right before a giant slush-storm?

“Meanwhile, a protester was arrested early yesterday on charges of assaulting a TV reporter. Dustin Taylor, 34, of Millersburg, Ohio allegedly threatened WNYW/Channel 5 reporter John Huddy, saying, ‘I’ll stab you in the throat with this pen.’” Now why would a protester be rude to a TV reporter? Hmmm… what’s WNYW/Channel 5 an affiliate of? Oh, that’s right. It’s Fox’s channel in New York City.

It’s such a shame that after weeks of insulting the protesters and perpetuating the “they don’t even know why they’re there” and “they hate wealth” myths, Fox isn’t treated with kindness. Incidentally, here’s a sign that might help Fox better understand the OWS movement:

“Meanwhile, a fed-up Rudy 9iu11ani said the city should move the protesters out, citing public safety and health hazards. ‘Enough is enough,’ the former mayor said. ‘We can’t allow this to go on forever and ever. It sets a bad precedent… [and] diverts police resources from public safety.’” And protests outside Bronx Supreme Court.

Bonus Points to Antonio and Bill for starting paragraphs #12 and 18 with “Meanwhile.”

“The Long Island Rail Road and a federal board said they are prepared to yank the pensions and disability benefits of the seven retirees busted in a $1 billion scam Thursday in which the workers allegedly falsely claimed to be too hurt to work.” Yay!

“But [RRB spokesman Mike] Freeman repeatedly refused yesterday to say if RRB will investigate — as it promised three years ago — whether up to 1,423 LIRR retirees who were approved disability benefits between 2004 and 2008 are legitimately disabled… The vast majority of the 1,423 retirees were certified disabled by two doctors, who were also busted Thursday.” Boo!

The TSA is firing the baggage inspector who put an inappropriate note (GET YOUR FREAK ON GIRL) in Jill Filipovic’s luggage after he spotted her vibrator. Here’s part of Jill’s response:

“I get no satisfaction in hearing that someone lost their job over this. I would much prefer a look at why ’security’ has been used to justify so many intrusions on our civil liberties, rather than fire a person who made a mistake… The invasion is inherent to the TSA’s mission, regardless of whether a funny note is left behind — the note only serves to highlight the absurdity of all this security theater.”

Page Six is on page 10 today.

“Actress Kristen Stewart has revealed the latest movie in the ‘Twilight Saga’ was originally given a ‘R’ rating after a sex scene between her and real-life lover, Robert Pattinson, was deemed too steamy… Luckily for younger fans, the rating will not be final as the scene is being re-cut.”

Wait… the Twilight Saga has older fans?

Conrad Murray’s lawyer put Dr. Paul White on the stand yesterday and he told the jury that “Michael Jackson likely injected himself with a fatal dose of the anesthetic propofol after popping an extra eight sedatives without [Conrad Murray's] knowledge.”

This is an odd strategy, as Los Angeles juries have made it clear that they disregard everything Michael Jackson does.

Swedish Chef:

Swedish Lunch Lady:

“[A lunch lady in Sweden] stunned teachers and students when they confronted her about the inedible food she served, and she responded by taking off her pants.opening her shirt, and doing a striptease in the cafeteria. ‘The school’s social-welfare officer tried to tell her this is no [sic] acceptable behavior, but she just kept on dancing,’ said a witness.”

This seems like a good time to thank all of the cafeteria workers in all of the schools I have ever attended for never taking off any of their clothes in my presence.

“A stray beagle mix that cheated death in the gas chamber of an Alabama dog pound is up for adoption in New Jersey.”

When he heard this, Pat Buchanan (who recently complained that Jews — “who represent less than 2 percent of the US population” — have “33 percent of the Supreme Court’s seats”) turned to his wife and said, “See? They can’t even kill a beagle mix in a gas chamber! I told you the Jews were lying about the Holocaust!”

Rich Lowry still doesn’t get it.

“Are we divided between the top 1 percent and a vast wasteland of the dispossessed, as many of the Occupy Wall Street protesters have it? Or are we still the land of opportunity, as top House Republican Paul Ryan insisted in a recent speech at the Heritage Foundation? The answer is that we are still a mobile society, although not as much of one as we might wish. If the nihilistic despair of the Occupy Wall Street crowd is detached from reality, neither is self-congratulation in order.”

Vast wasteland of the dispossessed? Nihilistic despair? That’s weird. When I listen to what the various Occupy groups are saying — and doing — I get a sense of unity and compassion and hope that has been sadly missing from America for some time. But please, Rich, tell us what the answer to our nation’s problems are.

“If Americans finished high school, worked full time at a job that matched their skills and married at the rate they did in the 1970s, the poverty rate would be cut 70 percent.” Of course! Everyone should just get full-time jobs! Brilliant!

“These old-fashioned bourgeois virtues, and particularly marriage, rarely figure in the public debate. Everyone is more comfortable talking about taxes or the banks, as the American Dream frays.” Yeah, Occupy Wall Street! Shut up about the criminals who almost destroyed our economy! Start protesting the lower marriage rates in this country!

Rich Lowry is not very bright.

Not to get too meta, but I honestly don’t know if the authors of these two letters to the Post are being sarcastic or not:

Staten Island’s Charlie Honadel writes, “I know that Frank J. Fleming is trying to be funny and that ‘Why We Must Lose the Darn 1 Percent’ is supposed to be satire. But some people might not understand he’s kidding and take him seriously.”

Flemington, New Jersey’s Joe Hann writes, “Fleming must have written this column with tongue in cheek the whole time. Include a picture next time so that we can know for sure.”

“Tesla Motors, a US maker of electric cars, is sold out of next year’s production of its new Model S sedan and should earn a profit in 2013, CEO Elon Musk said in a Bloomberg TV interview.”

I would like to applaud the Post for printing this sentence without adding “for eco-fags” after “electric cars.”

GOBLIN IT UP! is the PULSE section’s guide to the right candies to get for “your guests” on Halloween.

Examples include: A nine-piece bonbon box from Max Brenner ($12.90), a small skull with marshmallow eyes from Jacques Torres ($20), and cupcakes from Crumbs ($3.75 each).

If you come to my house on Halloween, I will give you one fun-sized candy bar from a giant bag that I got on sale at Rite Aid. You’re welcome.

Hondo (the sports section’s resident right-wing pundit) writes, “The Occupy Wall Street Protesters, aka ‘the 99 percent,’ today will belong to a group in which they will be ‘the one percent’ — the tiny minority that camps out while being deluged by a wintry mix.”

And speaking of tiny minorities,

And that’s Saturday.

Teresa and I are heading down to Zuccotti Park tomorrow and I start my new job (finally!) the following morning. But I’ll write what I can when I can.

Have a great week and Happy Halloween!

First, a bunch of videos.

Folks on the right like to accuse liberals of “indoctrinating” our nation’s youths. Here is a clip of Glenn Beck explaining an upcoming segment (it starts Monday at 4:00) on GBTV. It’s called the “Liberty Tree House” and it is intended to… indoctrinate our nation’s youths.

“The restoration [of what Glenn counts as true America values] must begin with us teaching it to our youth. That is why we created the Liberty Tree House — a program for you and your kids.”

Is it just me or do the “Liberty Trees” sound a lot like the current Occupy movements? “Before long, most towns and cities had their own Liberty Tree in the town square. The protests continued, eight months after the uprising the Stamp Act was rescinded, the colonists celebrated, but the fight had just begun…”

B’also? I love that the logo on Glenn’s Web site if for “Liberty Treehouse” even though it’s “Liberty Tree House” everywhere else (including the video above).

Here’s Michael Moore on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight. I think the entire interview is worth watching, but here’s the first 15 minutes:

If you can’t wait for Fox’s complaints about the War on Christmas, maybe you’ll enjoy their new War on Halloween:

Man, immigrants ruin everything in this country!

Here’s Lawrence O’Donnell making fun of Donald Trump (again). It’s like a greatest hits album:

And now, the Post.

BADGE BETRAYED

Dirty cops smuggled guns: feds

“A rogue band of NYPD officers moonlighted as gun, cigarette and slot machine smugglers, acting on the orders of a reputedly mob-connected ringleader, the feds charged yesterday.”

“‘Retired cop, active cop, ex-cop, bad guy,’ Brooklyn cop William Masso boasted to an FBI informant of the crew that he could pull together for any crime. ‘You want a guy who beat the shit out of somebody who bothers him, we got that. We got cops with vests and guns,’ Masso, 47, told the informant, according to a criminal complaint. ‘I’m setting up a good army here. A good fuckin’ army,’ said Masso, who on Sept. 22 allegedly drove 20 illegal guns — including M-16 assault rifles — to New York with his NYPD jacket displayed in the window of his car.”

Here’s Masso:

…and here’s nine other folks who were busted along with him:

What really breaks my heart is seeing Mort from the Bazooka Joe comics (bottom left) turn to crime.

Erik Kriss and Sally Goldenberg’s ‘Tax the rich’ union rally: Push to keep state levy is about a rally held yesterday at City Hall by “minority lawmakers and union leaders” who were protesting Gov. Cuomo’s refusal to restore the millionaire’s tax that is set to expire at the end of the year. The quote that Erik and Sally chose to blow up to almost half the size of the article is from state Senate Majority Leader Dean Skelos (R-LI) regarding Alec Baldwin’s support of the tax extension:

“We can’t be influenced by the Alec Baldwins of the world that are just buying a $17 million condo in Greenwich Village — and he’s going to tell us to that we should tax everybody else.”

Actually, Dean, he’s saying that we should tax him. The Democrats proposed keeping the tax only for people who make at least $1,000,000, but the GOP said no. So, actually, it’s the GOP who are shifting the burden to “everybody else.”

Josh Margolin’s EXCLUSIVE (MAYOR ABOARD SUBWAY TO NJ: Supports No. 7 extension to Secaucus) begins, “Mayor Bloomberg is pushing forward with a proposal to extend the No. 7 train to New Jersey and get the project locked in before he leaves City Hall in two years, The Post has learned.”

“With an estimated cost of $10 billion, the project would take a decade to complete.”

Isn’t the MTA currently facing a $10 billion deficit — after raising fares and cutting jobs?

And the MTA’s track record with estimates leads me to think that the project would cost $17 billion and take 17 years to complete.

In O laughs with Leno, Geoff Earle complains, “On a campaign swing through Tinseltown, President Obama derisively compared his Republican opponents to conniving contestants on Survivor.”

Actually, Jay Leno asked him if he had been watching the Republican debates (Obama was a guest on The Tonight Show). Obama replied, “I’m going to wait until everybody is voted off the island. Once they narrow it down to one or two, then I’ll start paying attention.”

How dare Obama refer to the 2012 Republican contenders as conniving contestants!

(turns head slightly to the left)

Oh, look! It’s S.A. Miller’s Perry flattens ‘fat cat’: Rips Mitt on taxes, which begins, “It’s turning into a Republican catfight.”

How dare Miller refer to the 2012 Republican contenders as foxy boxers!

Carl Campanile reports that Italian-Americans are mad at Herman Cain because the Godfather’s Pizza mascot is “a negative portrayal of Italian-Americans.”

Cain’s spokesman J.D. Gordon’s reply: “Mr. Cain often says that America needs a sense of humor. I’ll second it.”

In other words, forget about it.

Correction

“An article published on Oct. 24, 2011, incorrectly stated that the Jonas Brothers ‘kept’ their 2009 opening act, Korean pop group Wonder Girls, in an illegal dorm above a New York studio. In fact, the Jonas Brothers were not responsible for the Wonder Girls’ accommodation, nor were they aware of the band’s living conditions… The Post sincerely regrets the error.”

Oops.

Rebecca Rosenberg, Jamie Schram and Bob Fredericks teamed up to report on the Occupy Wall Street movement in a non-partisan and informative way. Just kidding.

Grubby lowlifes: Rikers cons flood Zuccotti for free eats is all about how Zuccotti Park is filled with “boozy, drug-fueled parties,” “gang activity” and “assault [and] theft.”

There is, however, a kernel of actual news: “The NYPD inspector who pepper-sprayed a protestor has been quietly transferred to an administrative post on Staten Island, The Post has learned. Anthony Bologna had been docked 10 vacation days after he was caught on video spraying teacher’s aide Kaylee Dedrick, 24, in the eyes. His new assignment, as the borough’s special-projects inspector, will ‘get him out of the line of fire,’ a source said.”

1) Note the English spelling of protester (“protestor”).

2) Bologna sprayed way more than one protester.

3) Someone should explain to the NYPD that the public would be more accepting of stories like the one on today’s front page if people like Bologna actually faced consequences for their (very public) criminal actions.

In a related story (that you won’t find anywhere in this horrible newspaper), Occupy Oakland was met with brute force yesterday — they were gassed and (as shown below) shot with rubber bullets by police:

According to Page Six (today on pages 12, 13 and 14), Brett Ratner’s new movie, Tower Heist (co-starring Eddie Murphy), had a premiere at the Ziegfeld Theater on Monday night. Ratner reportedly told the crowd, “They’re [sic] a lot of Jews here tonight, a lot of executives, a lot of gays. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 84th Academy Awards!”

Fun Fact: Eddie Murphy is hosting the 84th Academy Awards and it is being co-produced by… Brett Ratner.

Cindy Adams is still trying to be funny.

“So how bad is the US economy? Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.”

Cindy Adams is still trying.

“A Manhattan couple who kidnapped their eight kids from a Queens foster-care center have copped a plea deal that cuts more than 199 years off their possible prison term, their lawyer said yesterday. Mom Shanel Nadal, 27, and her partner, Nephra Payne, 34… pleaded guilty to two counts of custodial interference, while the more serious charge of kidnapping was dropped.”

They faced up to 25 years for each count of kidnapping. They were each sentenced to… 90 days.

John Podhoretz’ A Pack of Nonsense: Will GOP 2012ers get serious? includes one of the funniest sentences I’ve read in years: “It’s impossible not to like [Herman] Cain.”

I mean, what’s not to like about a guy who says liberals have brainwashed most Black people, wants to completely outlaw abortion — even in cases of rape and incest — and who wears his ignorance of foreign policy as a badge of honor?

Why We Must Lose The Darn 1 Percent is another humorless piece of political humor from Frank J. Fleming, author of the upcoming e-book Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.

“That’s what the wealthiest 1 percent do to us a [sic] nation: It’s just impossible to appreciate our affluence while other people are allowed to have so much more than us.”

“Let’s say you had two apples and another person — let’s call him ‘Rich’ — also had two apples. If you then got one more apple and Rich got 80 more apples, would you now have more apples? No, you’d have fewer apples — fewer than that other guy who has an unfair number of apples!”

It’s so true! Everyone in Zuccotti Park (and around the world) should appreciate their affluence!

Let’s say you don’t know how to use different tenses correctly and have to write some “humor” and you love misrepresenting people who disagree with you — let’s call you Frank J. Fleming. Then let’s say you get violently beaten to death by methed-out gorillas.

Now that’s political humor!

(No, it isn’t. Still, which of the two attempts at humor made you smile more?)

Crude oil is up to $93.17/barrel.

Linda 3Starsi reviews MTV’s Mike Judge’s Beavis and Butt-Head.

“The big problem with bringing B&B back is a that [sic] there’s already an idiot surplus on TV.”

She gives it…

(yawn)

…three stars.

And that’s Wednesday.

See you tomorrow!

“An alert Transportation Security Administration screener at Newark Airport found a ‘bullet’ in a passenger’s luggage — but not the kind that a terrorist might carry. Passenger Jill Filipovic told New York magazine that it was a ‘$15 bullet vibe… about the most basic sex toy you can imagine.’ And, she said, he left her a note on the back of a TSA notice that read, ‘Get your freak on, girl.’”

Actually, he (or she) wrote GET YOUR FREAK ON GIRL according to this photo:

But what infuriates me most about this story is that I trusted the Post when they told me that TSA stands for Transportation Safety Administration. Turns out the S stands for Security.

I regret the error. And the fact that I read the New York Post.

The last sentence is my favorite.

“The city Design Commission yesterday refused to sign off on a $10 million Parks Department pilot project to pave parts of the [Coney Island] boardwalk in cement — a precursor to paving through the entire 2.5-mile walkway except four blocks in the amusement district that would remain wood. After viewing photos showing thousands of cracks in two small sections of the boardwalk recently replaced with cement blocks, commissioners said the cement plan was unattractive.”

“Department officials argued they need a cement pathway to handle emergency vehicles, adding it’s more cost effective and sturdier than wood or plastic planks. But commissioners said there was no evidence to back up these claims.”

S.A. Miller’s It’s do-or-d’Iowa time for Perry notes that “After losing serious ground in the debates and polls, the GOP presidential contender hopes a $175,000 TV ad buy in Iowa, bulked-up campaign staff and hot new flat-tax plan [where everyone pays a flat tax of 20 percent] will reignite his run.”

Surprisingly (I write sarcastically), there is no mention of this:

As for his TV ad, I doubt it will be as hilarious as this one for Herman Cain (wait until Mr. Block stops talking and try not to laugh):

“A Long Island couple dreaming of cashing in on the Occupy Wall Street protests has filed for trademark rights to the movement’s name so they can peddle bumper stickers, T-shirts, beach bags and other gear bearing the OWS logo. Robert and Diane Maresca paid $975 for the application filed with the US Patent and Trademark Office on Oct. 18. Robert said he might even share some of the profits he could make with the protesters — if he can figure out who to give the money to.”

I told a cat about this. This was his response:

They might give some of the money to the protesters?

Someone please file for trademark rights to “Robert and Linda Maresca.” You could sell T-shirts with this picture of Robert on them:

Just erase the chicken-scratch on the piece of paper he’s holding and add I AM A JERK and an arrow pointing at his misshapen head.

From Laura Italiano and Frank Rosario’s DA to offer deal on arrests:

“Manhattan prosecutors are planning to offer a deal to 340 Occupy Wall Street protesters that would dismiss the charges if they stay out of trouble for six months, a lawyer representing some of the demonstrators said yesterday. The deal would apply only to those-issued desk-appearance tickets — but exclude more than 300 others who were charged with a misdemeanor or issued a summons, said the lawyer, Martin Stolar, one of the National Lawyers Guild members volunteering to represent protesters ree [sic] of charge.”

I can only hope that the other 339 protesters are as brave as Lauren Digioia, 26, who was charged with disorderly conduct. Her response? “The police were wrong, their actions were unjust. If I have to go to court to fight this, I will.”

And the whole world will watch.

Andy Soltis’ Sharia-lite for Libya begins, “Libya’s new leader backed off his vow to govern the country according to strict Islamic Sharia law. ‘I want to assure the international community that we, as Libyans, are moderate Muslims,’ Mustapha Abdel Jalil said yesterday.”

You may remember Mr. Jalil from yesterday’s paper, when he was referred to as Mustafa Abdul-Jalil. Anybody think his addendum will prevent Michael Goodwin and/or Andrea Peyser from warning us that Libya is going to turn into a radical nation?

Me neither.

“Afghan President Hamid Karzai sought to distance himself yesterday from remarks he made saying Afghanistan would back Pakistan against the United States if the two ever went to war.”

The editing on this clip is awful, so I’m not entirely sure that Karzai said what everyone claims he said:

On the other hand, Karzai is a scumbag. So let’s just assume he did.

According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), Demi Lovato, 19, has gotten back together with Wilmer Valderrama, 31, and was “making out all night” at Seth MacFarlane’s birthday party.

Remember when Wilmer was dating Lindsay Lohan? Hey! That reminds me! Remember Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s absentee father? Guess what! He got arrested again! For the hilarious reason why, read this article on TMZ.com: “Mike Lohan’s Ex — He Attacked Me ‘Cause I Wouldn’t Perform Oral Sex“

There’s a link in the article to the actual police report, which provides Michael’s version of events (including this gem: “[Kate Major] did not want Michael to ejaculate inside her. Michael Lohan stated he did ejaculate in her and his girlfriend got very angry.”).

Poor Lindsay Lohan.

“A third Pee-wee movie’s coming down. Judd Apatow producing. Who plays Pee-wee, who knows? Maybe Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.”

Is Cindy Adams:

a) kidding?

b) serious?

c) having a stroke?

d) the bane of my existence?

Answer: Get in the box.

Andy Campbell and Amber Sutherland’s Pack it in!: City targets cop’s cheap cigs begins, “A Lower East Side tobacco shop co-owned by an NYPD captain is by illegally peddling smokes for less than $6 a pack, city officials say.”

That’s almost a sentence.

The captain’s name is John Kimball. Here’s a photo of him:

Jennifer Fermino and Helen Freund report that “The MTA — inundated with complaints about overflowing garbage and nibbling rats on subway platforms — is trashing trash cans at several stations, part of an effort to curtail the massive amounts of rodent-luring rubbish left in the system every day.”

Fun Fact: The “several” stations are “the 8th Street Station in the Village and Flushing/Main Street in Queens.”

“To tell straphangers about the new policy — which has been in effect in the two stations for a few weeks — officials said they handed out fliers and hung posters… One guy at Main Street dumped his trash into the corner where the can used to be, oblivious to the fact that he’d just littered.”

Sounds like a success to me! Great work, MTA!

Jennifer and Helen would also like you to know that “Riders leave behind ann [sic] astonishing 40 tons of trash every day underground.”

Well, more trash cans certainly aren’t the answer, right?

Rich Lowry writes, “When President Obama took the podium last Friday to abruptly announce the imminent end of the Iraq War… [he] was the same as the Obama of the Democratic primaries, with his heedlessly irresponsible commitment to a hasty retreat from Iraq. Back then, he was only capable of vaporous posturing.”

Actually, Rich, it was George W. Bush who made the commitment to have our troops out by the end of 2011. Obama actually wanted to amend that commitment to allow some troops to stay but Iraq said no.

The Post pays Rich to write about current events — he isn’t obligated to understand them.

This is kind of funny.

On the left side of page 22, there’s the editorial Grabbing Guns — for Real. It begins, “The mindless murder of a Brooklyn mother [Zurana Horton, 34] on a Brownsville street last Friday should teach a little humility to critics of the NYPD’s stop-and-frisk effort to cleanse the city of illegal guns.”

Fun Fact: We don’t know who killed Horton, or if the gun that shot her is illegal. So it’s weird that the Post would conclude that Horton would still be alive if the police were stopping and frisking more people on a regular basis.

But what makes their assertion funny (to me, anyway) are the letters directly to the right of the editorial — under the heading Biden’s Rape & Murder Cry: He’s Doing Obama’s Bidding.

Manhattan’s Sam King writes, “Biden’s repeated threat that crime rates will rise if we oppose stimulus pay for municipal workers definitely uses fear tactics.” Um… any threat is a fear tactic, Sam. That’s why it’s called a threat.

Cincinnati’s Paul Bloustein writes, “Biden is at it again, claiming that if we don’t support Obama’s jobs plan, we favor increased rates of rape and murder.” I wonder if Paul will write to complain about today’s editorial that claims that if we don’t support more “aggressive street-crime policing,” we favor increased rates of murder.

Bonus Points: Apple Valley, California’s Dan Jeffs writes, “Biden’s campaigning for the president’s jobs bill in front of 4th-graders is an invitation to expose the liberal indoctrination of students from elementary school to college.” Oh, please accept that invitation, Dan. Please expose the liberal indoctrination of our children! You’re our only hope!

Scott Gottlieb (“a physician and American Enterprise Institute resident fellow”) writes the op-ed Slashing Doc Pay: Making US rates more like Europe’s. It begins, “A key government panel voted this month to whack what Medicare pays most doctors to treat patients. It’s an important step on the path to ObamaCare — because the only way to make European-style health entitlements work in America is to pay US doctors lower European wages. This is going to hurt doctors — and hit patients even harder, as American physicians scale down their medical practices to adapt to the lower pay rates.”

Wait… if doctors are paid less, wouldn’t that make them want to expand their practices? B’also? The American Enterprise Institute is not the most reliable of sources.

Crude oil is back up to $91.27/barrel.

Back in the day: TV celebs confess their youthful obsessions lists the childhood passions of various stars. For example, Anthony Bourdain loved Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention (“They played great music and were not above a good poo joke.”) and Brian Williams loved The Monkees (“My favorite was Michael Nesmith”).

Also asked about their youthful obsessions were Victoria Justice (“Pokemon cards!”) and Sarah Hyland (“Sabrina the Teenage Witch“).

Fun Fact: Victoria is 18 years old. Sarah is 20.

Great reporting, Maxine Shen!

And that’s Tuesday.

See you tomorrow!

BREAKING NEWS: President Obama announced today that all U.S. forces will be pulled out of Iraq by the end of the year.

I knew I was going to vote for Obama in 2012, but I had no idea that I’d be doing it proudly.

The Post has never been accused of being classy, but they kind of outdid themselves today. I mean, I expected some awful pun (ALIVE NO MOAMMORE or KHADEATHY or KHORPSE!) but KHADAFY KILLED BY YANKEE FAN: Gunman had more hits than A-Rod? With a full-color photo of his bloody corpse? Even I wasn’t expecting that.

Andy Soltis’ follow-up on page 4 (MOAMMAR GETS YANKEE-CAPPED) tells us that “Moammar Khadafy, the vile dictator… was heroically erased from the earth yesterday — apparently by a young gun-slinging Yankee fan.”

I guess wearing the hat makes him a fan. By that logic, this kid loves Samsung…

…this guy adores The Color Purple…

…and this guy is a big fan of the musical Hair…

…actually, that last one might be accurate.

One of the sub-headlines of this piece is • Tyrant pulled from sewer & beaten, but if you make it to the 26th paragraph you’ll learn that “There were plenty of questions still to answer. According to some anti-Khadafy fighters, his final act took place in an opulent compound and didn’t involve a sewer at all.”

This is a horrible newspaper.

There’s also a photo on page 7 captioned “LIBERATED: Libyan women in Tripoli salute their newfound freedom as they celebrate Khadafy’s death.”

I’m not so sure. I think they’re just excited about their new car.

Also on page 7 (in a piece by Geoff Earle) is a quote from “Michael Singh, a former Bush security aide now at the Washington Institute for Near East Studies.” Michael says, “Clearly the president is going to try to turn [the deaths of Osama bin Laden, Anwar al-Awlaki and Moammar Khadafy] into a narrative that says: Look I’m strong on national security. Does it amount to a successful foreign policy? Frankly, I don’t think it does.”

Shut up, Michael.

Fun Facts: Khadafy created his own calendar for Libya (he changed January to Ayn al-Nar, which means “where is the fire?”) and had a plan to reunite Israel and Palestine into a single country (which he called Isratine).

“After recently discovering Brookyln’s ‘fine-ass dining’ scene, GQ magazine designated the borough ‘the coolest city on the planet’ in its upcoming November issue.”

OMG! Does this mean all of the hipsters will move out of Williamsburg now?

“Lindsay Lohan, fresh off a judge’s tongue-lashing for blowing off community service, remarkably missed her court-ordered gig at the Los Angeles morgue yesterday. The train-wreck occasional actress showed up 40 minutes late for an orientation class, according to coroner’s officials, who told her to turn around and come back to the morgue today — hopefully on time.” So why was she late, Lindsay’s publicist?

“‘Her lateness was due to a combination of not knowing what entrance to go through and confusion caused by the media waiting for her arrival,’ said Lohan’s publicist, Steve Honig.”

You know, maybe Lindsay wouldn’t need to go to Europe to earn money if she didn’t have to pay a publicist.

Poor Cindy Adams.

“Michael Douglas’ troubled son [Cameron Douglas] — who beat a mandatory 10-year prison stretch for drugs by ratting out his dealers — pleaded guilty to possession yesterday after getting caught with drugs [Suboxone and heroin] in a downtown jail over the weekend.”

“His nonbinding plea deal on the new rap recommends up to 18 more months behind bars, but [Manhattan federal Judge Richard] Berman warned Douglas that he still faces a maximum of 20 years.”

He’ll serve six. Tops.

Page Six (today on pages 16 and 17) features a photo of Katherine Heigl pumping gas.

She looks just like what I think of her.

On the 18th, Cindy Adams kvetched, “Listen, how about we all get together and stop ever and forever writing about Lindsay Lohan.” I asked how many days would go by before she wrote about Lindsay Lohan again.

The correct answer is three.

“False hair we do not even mention. Every Lindsay Lohan court date, it’s another color and length. Short, cropped, bobbed, long, ponytail, extensions down the back, brown, blond, brunette, red, curly, straight. Unreal. Like her alibis.”

Listen, how about we all get together and stop ever and forever reading Cindy’s column. Ah, who am I kidding? If we stopped reading Cindy’s column, where would we find wit like this: “Word is Viagra wants to merge with a soft drink that guarantees: ‘Not only 7 Up — stay up!’”

“Despite a campaign-style push this week by President Obama, the Senate last night scuttled pared-back jobs legislation aimed at helping state and local governments avoid lay-offs of teachers and firefighters… The 50-50 motion came on a motion to simply take up the bill and fell well short of the 60 needed to break a filibuster.”

What was it the GOP promised us again? Oh, right: Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

From Josh Saul’s Zuccotti neighbors: Stop dumping on us:

“‘They’re defecating on our doorsteps,’ fumed [Community Board 1] member Catherine Hughes, a stay-at-home mom who lives one block from the protest. ‘The cowbells start at 4 a.m. and the drumming goes past 10 a.m. A lot of people are very frustrated. A lot of people are concerned about the safety of our kids.”

The Internet is amazing. For example, it only took me 30 seconds to find this.

And that article (and accompanying video) lets us know that her family lives on the 14th floor of their building. And that their building has a doorman, so the odds of someone shitting in front of it is kind of slim. Also, her 19-year-old should be at college which means that she’s staying home to raise her 15-year-old.

And the same person who called the destruction of the World Trade Center “just part of the fabric of [her then 9- and 5-year-olds] growing up downtown” is now complaining that her now 19- and 15-year-olds are being exposed to protesters in Zuccotti Park?

I also think that she meant to say (and/or the Post meant to write) 10 p.m. (not a.m.), but either way I can’t imagine Ms. Hughes being able to hear anything in her 14th-floor apartment regardless of the time.

Bernie Madoff’s daughter-in-law (Stephanie Madoff) has written a book (The End of Normal) wherein she reveals that her husband (Mark Madoff) was writing a book that would “expose the behind-the-scenes torment he and his family went through because of his dad’s crimes” in the days before he killed himself. Stephanie also wrote to Bernie, hoping to hear how miserable he is in prison.

“‘They call me either Uncle Bernie or Mr. Madoff,’ Bernie wrote his daughter-in-law… ‘I can’t walk anywhere without someone shouting their greetings and encouragement, to keep my spirit up. It’s really quite sweet, how concerned everyone is about my well-being, including the staff… It’s much safer here than walking the streets of New York.’”

But then, if you were being brutally raped every day and made to drink everyone’s urine, you probably wouldn’t tell anyone unless you absolutely had to.

“Red-faced officials at a Florida school are scrambling after unwittingly passing out bracelets adorned with a photo of a naked lady. Kids at Jay Elementary School got the bracelets — with the pics beneath cloth coverings — as a reward for working in a school fundraiser. Only a few students have given back their naughty novelties, manufactured in China.”

Is it even possible for Texas and/or South Carolina to reclaim the mantle of America’s Shame from Florida?

Chuck Bennett’s Taxidermists rush in is a follow-up on the animals who escaped from the Muskingum County Animal Farm. Apparently, Zanesville is filling up with taxidermists who want to make some money from the “18 rare Bengal tigers, 17 lions, six black bears, two grizzlies, a wolf and three mountain lions” that the police have killed so far.

“‘We’ve gotten calls and e-mails about [is] going to happen to the animals…’ ABC News quoted Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz as saying.”

Whose typo do you think that is? Matt’s? ABC News’? Or Chuck’s?

I’m-a say Chuck.

“Gov. Cuomo yesterday named Joseph Lhota, a senior aide to former Mayor Rudy 9iu11ani, to chair the MTA.”

Lhota will be paid 5% less than Jay Walder — just $332,500 a year.

Wouldn’t it be great if they paid MTA chairmen the way they pay some athletes? Like, the base salary is $50,000 but there are incentives like $100,000 for every project that gets completed on time and on- or under-budget.

A boy can dream, can’t I?

First the idiots.

Upper Montclair, New Jersey’s L. O’Berrigan writes, “These lazy, ill-informed, spoiled brats don’t know what a day’s work is — they have their hands out, and the only word that works for them is ‘free.’ Hardworking people are clipping coupons and struggling to pay taxes to foot the bill and feed the anarchists. Thanks a lot, Chef Eric Smith, for doing the cooking.” The food is donated, L. It doesn’t cost you a single penny out of your pocket.

Manhattan’s T. King writes, “If the dinners at Chez Zuccotti are being prepared at a soup kitchen by a professional chef, it’s time that hardworking New Yorkers stop donating to participating organizations and stop patronizing the farms donating the food. They will no longer receive a single penny out of my pocket.” Oh no! Those organizations and farms are really counting on the nothing you’re currently giving them, T!

Staten Island’s Joe DellaCamera writes, “Amazingly, with the time to protest corporate greed and for more financial equality, the demonstrators are eating off five-star menus. Something like this would only happen in America and only come from the left. Can I get a reservation for Saturday night?” Sure! All you have to do is go down to Zuccotti Park and open your mind. But it isn’t really a five-star menu. See, it was the Post (and only the Post) that called it a five-star menu — even though their food critic said it was far from it.

It’s getting late, so I’ll just thank Fresh Meadows’ Ron Isaac and Oceanside’s Tony Giametta for their eloquent rebuttals of the Post’s slanderous nonsense. It’s good to see that there are intelligent people reading the Post.

I think I just made up a new oxymoron! Intelligent people reading the New York Post!

Bill O’Reilly’s Attack of the Handout Brigade is the latest Post piece to cite Douglas Schoen’s recent poll of Zuccotti Park protesters as gospel.

“And what is [their] agenda? Schoen writes: ‘The protesters… are bound by a deep commitment to radical left-wing politics… [The movement] comprises an unrepresentative segment of the electorate that believes in the radical redistribution of wealth.’ In other words, these folks want our stuff.”

“Generally speaking, the Occupy Wall Street crew is comprised of bored morons who want handouts. Every American has a legitimate beef about something, but most of us don’t want to burn the system down. The protesters do. Maybe if their brains were occupied with some perspective, we could get somewhere.”

How can any self-respecting person write something like this?

“I respect dissent, but not stupidity.”

Touché.

Mark DeCambre once again writes, “In the third quarter, [Bank of America] posted profit of $6.23 billion, or 56 cents a share, down 15 percent from the same period a year ago.” Wrong again, Mark!

But Mark is right about this: “A plan by beleaguered Bank of America to foist [some $55 trillion] of funky Merrill Lynch derivatives onto its depositors is raising eyebrows on Wall Street. The rarely used move will likely save the bank millions of dollars in collateral but could put depositors’ cash behind the eight ball.”

We really have to close our B of A accounts ASAP.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives three and a half stars to Martha Marcy May Marlene (“a potent psychological chiller”), one and a half stars to Paranormal Activity 3 (“70 minutes of aggressive banality followed by 10 minutes of banal aggression”), two stars to Oranges and Sunshine (“well-intentioned but uninspired”), one star to Revenge of the Electric Car (“interesting as a meta-documentary”), three stars to The Swell Season (“a tender little piece of heartbreak”), and two stars to The Mighty Macs (“warm-spirited but all too obvious”).

Lou Lumenick gives three stars to Margin Call (“Basically Titanic for the Occupy Wall Street generation”) and two stars to Johnny English Reborn (“belated and totally unnecessary sequel”), and two and a half stars to Norman (“well-acted indie charmer”).

Since it wasn’t screened for American critics, The Times of London’s Kate Muir gives one and a half stars to The Three Musketeers (“no expense spared and no intelligence used”).

Sara Stewart gives three stars to Being Elmo: A Puppeteer’s Journey (“you’d have to be a true Grouch not to be moved”).

V.A. Musetto gives three stars to Le Havre (nothing objectionable, but not for young children).

Gregory E. Miller rates “NYC’s freakiest Haunted Houses” and recommends “Times Scare” (669 Eighth Avenue) under the heading “IF YOU LIKE HALLOWEEN III” because it’s “based on the infamous horror film Halloween and features scenes from the flick, including a terrifying psychiatric ward where the film character Michael Myers is staying.”

Fans of the Halloween franchise are already laughing at Gregory — I’ll let the rest of you know why. There have been 9 sequels to Halloween (including the remake and the sequel to the remake). All of them are about Michael Myers… except for Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

Nicely done, Gregory.

Ten more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween! Ten more days to Halloween, Silver Shamrock.

“A former contestant on Bravo’s Top Chef: Just Desserts reality show has been indicted for possessing child pornography. Morgan Wilson, 38, of Plano, Texas was indicted Oct. 6 on three second-degree felony charges of possession with intent to promote child pornography. Wilson was arrested last Dec. 7 after undercover cops ‘received several file transfers from Wilson’s computer via Limewire in September 2010,’ according to the Plano Star-Courier. The files ‘allegedly contained images and videos of children as young as toddlers engaged in sexual acts.’”

I’m sorry, Morgan. Your dessert just didn’t measure up.

And also, you need to be put in a prison full of people who know why you’re there.

And that’s Friday!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Before I start on the Post, I’d like to share a graph with you.

It’s funny ’cause it’s true.

“Court officers slapped handcuffs on train wreck Lindsay Lohan yesterday after a furious judge found her in violation of her probation — and questioned whether she’s even an actress anymore.”

“[Judge Stephanie Sautner] teed off on Lohan for blowing off nine court-ordered sessions of community service at a women’s shelter. Lohan couldn’t be bothered to do her court-ordered time because she was too busy traveling through Europe looking for work — an excuse Sautner didn’t buy. ‘She needed to get off the stick and start doing community service,’ the judge said.”

Wait… does her being “on the stick” mean she’s not a lesbian anymore?

“‘The reality is that Miss Lohan has to support herself and she supports her family,’ [Lindsay's attorney] Shawn Holley said flatly. Then in a brutally honest comment about Lindsay’s trash-heap career, Holley said no movie-goer in America wants to see Lohan on screen… ‘Her opportunities are not in this country. They’re outside this country. And her traveling to Europe was not to have fun. It was to make money and support her family.”‘

David K. Li goes on to (poorly) write, “The judge in two weeks could sentence Lohan up to 20 months in jail. But as a nonviolent offender in overcrowded LA jails, that sentence could amount to just a few weeks actually behind bars.” So, even if the judge throws the book at her, she’ll probably serve less than 5% of the sentence. In any case, Lindsay is set to be sentenced on November 2nd. Expect another full-page cover story on November 3rd.

Poor Cindy Adams.

Hey, Jennifer Fermino! How do you feel about the city testing out electric taxicabs?

“Electric cars are fine for traipsing to Whole Foods…”

Traipse (verb): 1) To go on foot. 2) To walk or move wearily or reluctantly. 3) To walk or travel about without apparent plan but with or without a purpose.

Translation: People who have electric cars are reluctant to use them and possibly clueless.

Fun Fact: The second-largest holder of voting stock in News Corp (only Rupert Murdoch has more) is a member of the Saudi royal family (Al-Waleed bin Talal).

Geoff Earle and Carl Campanile’s Mitt’s fit vs. Perry miffs GOP begins, “Top Republicans worry that the open animosity between Mitt Romney and Rick Perry has hit the danger zone after Tuesday’s brutal debate in Las Vegas, with the bad blood threatening to imperil the party’s chance of beating President Obama.”

Ed Rollins is quoted as saying, “I think you saw some real disdain for each other. When people see this sort of friction and animosity, it sort of diminishes the ability to communicate effectively.” Yes, but if you remove the friction and animosity from the GOP, what’s left?

“Presidential hopeful Herman Cain leads the GOP field in South Carolina and in running neck-and-neck with Mitt Romney in Florida, according to two new polls released yesterday.”

South Carolina and Florida are now neck-and-neck with Texas for the title of America’s Shame.

Terry Thompson, the owner of the Muskingum County Animal Farm in Zanesville, Ohio, opened all of the cages on his 73-acre preserve — releasing 56 exotic animals, including 18 Bengal tigers — before killing himself. Police have already hunted down (and killed) 49 of the animals. They are still looking for a monkey infected with Herpes-B.

People are already calling this the worst ad campaign in the history of motion pictures.

Cameron Crowe could not be reached for comment.

“The NYPD dropped sex-crime charges against a bartender [Josh Flecha, 32] busted for one of the Park Slope gropings — an embarrassing setback in the high-profile case that has Brooklyn detectives scrambling for fresh clues… It’s the second time a man has been mistakenly arrested as part of the pattern. William Giraldo was arrested in June, but was cleared.”

Sigh.

“French writer Tristane Banon said yesterday she has abandoned legal action against randy ex-IMF honcho Dominique Strauss-Kahn.”

That’s weird. It isn’t like the French to give up so easily.

Andrea Peyser counsels Demi Moore to “Have a sandwich. He’s so not worth it.” because she looks so thin and Mandrea believes it’s because she is heartbroken over Ashton Kutcher. That’s so sweet that Mandrea would be so concerned over the well-being of the person she once referred to as a “pseudo-intellectual airhead.”

The majority of today’s page is devoted to He won’t be stereotyped, a loving tribute to Herman Cain.

“Who’s afraid of Herman Cain? Hollywood loathes him. Academia abhors him. And the country’s leftist establishment is shaking in its boots. Sorry, folks. Herman Cain isn’t going anywhere… He is plain-spoken, articulate and a Tea Party conservative… Cain, 65, the Republican presidential front-runner, is also black. This makes him the biggest threat to the left since the fall of communism. Diversity — of thought — be damned.”

“Hollywood wants to crush Cain like a bug because he challengesthe shibboleth it’s been selling to America since birth — that African-Ameircans are forever barred from the table.”

But here’s the kicker: “Cain infuriated folks by saying African-Americans were ‘brain-washed’ — ‘accurately,’ said [Tea Party 365 founder David] Webb — into rejecting conservatism. A color-blind society does not rip a man because of his political beliefs. This is America, isn’t it?”

Peyser is full of shibboleth.

According to Page Six (today on pages 16, 17 and 18), “Kim Kardashian and hubby Kris Humphries already appear to be distant in their marriage, just two months after their wedding, sources said.”

I’m going to have to dig around, but I think I predicted they’d divorce after four months.

Unfortunately, this is as far as I can get right now. I will finish up this evening.

Pat Buchanan went on Sean Hannity’s program last night to promote his new book about the death of White America (Suicide of a Superpower).

I love the promos at the bottom of the screen (COMING UP… THE TRUTH ABOUT OCCUPY WALL ST and TOMORROW: DONALD TRUMP).

Buchanan is a racist and Hannity is whatever the opposite of “journalist” is.

And speaking of the opposite of journalism…

“Rich, fine dining is on the menu for Occupy Wall Street protesters at Zuccotti Park. A former chef de tournant at the Sheraton hotel in Midtown is now churning out food fit for a king, including last night’s menu at right — and organizers have it trucked to the masses in Manhattan every evening. ‘We’re running a five-star restaurant down there,’ boasted chef Eric Smith, who uses a donated soup kitchen in Brooklyn. ‘The other day, we made some wonderful salmon cakes with dill sauce and some quinoa salad and a wonderful tomato salad with fennel and red onion,’ Smith said.”

And here are some of the menu items:

“Brown rice with black beans and fresh herbs” (Filthy hippies!)

“Vegetarian penne pasta with tomato marinara and fresh basil” (Good thing they added “vegetarian” or I wouldn’t have realized it was for filthy hippies; good thing they added “tomato” or I would’ve thought it was the kind of marinara sauce that isn’t tomato-based.)

“Wild heirloom potato salad made from fingerling, Peruvian purple and baby red potatoes with either a mustard-based or vinaigrette dressing” (Well, which is it?)

“Dessert of fresh mixed nuts with banana chips from a grain co-op in Ithaca” (FILTHY HIPPIES!)

Page 5 features Rebecca Rosenberg’s follow-up (Protest mob is enjoying rich diet), informs us that “Hundreds of grimy protesters laying siege to Wall Street and stuffed into the now-smelly Zuccotti Park dine each night on gourmet meals prepared by a former hotel chef using only the finest organic ingredients… So last night, for example, while your family of four may have been forced to resort to Hamburger Helper, thanks to Smith’s culinary magic, hordes of Occupy Wall Street protesters instead feasted on organic chicken, spaghetti Bolognese, roasted beet and sheep’s milk-cheese [sic] salad and wild heirloom potatoes.”

Ms. Rosenberg is literally waging class warfare! Attention, lower- and middle-class Americans! While you suffer, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are “feasting” on “gourmet meals”! So are the people they’re protesting against, but the protested deserve their feasts! They work hard for their money, unlike the smelly, lazy, smelly protesters! The protesters don’t deserve anything except your derision!

It should also be noted that Herman Cain has argued that if your family of four is “forced to resort to Hamburger Helper,” you only have yourselves to blame (and the Post loves “The Herminator” because his 9-9-9 plan would give the country’s wealthiest citizens a gigantic tax break at the expense of America’s poorest).

Also on page 5 is Steve Cuozzo’s review of the donated food (Cordon bleu behind the cordon of blue). “Forget chef Eric Smith’s boast of ‘5-star’ cuisine. The meal I tasted last night… proves you don’t need to spend a fortune, or even peanuts, to turn out an edible dinner. You don’t need any money at all when farms, food co-ops and other occupier-enablers are willing to feed the cause without charging a dime. Can Occupy Wall Street’s affluent participants taste the irony in having their nightly feast whipped up in a poor, crime-ridden Brooklyn neighborhood that has nearly no restaurants at all?”

Wait… what? Did Cuozzo just call the Occupy Wall Street protesters affluent? [JEDITOR'S NOTE: Yes.] Is he an idiot? [JEDITOR'S NOTE: Yes.]

“The five courses I tried delivered bulk, tons of carbs and no more or less pleasure than at a high-end diner, a low-end bistro — or a Sheraton dining room, where Smith once worked.” He’s cooking meals for over 1,000 people, Steve. “Bulk” and “tons of carbs” is to be expected.

“You wouldn’t expect anti-capitalist cranks to gorge on truffle panna cotta, and so dessert was nuts and banana chips donated by a co-op in upstate Ithaca.” I also wouldn’t expect the Post to publish the food reviews of a convicted pedophile.

“But privileged protesters starved for attention shouldn’t complain if their free meal isn’t perfect.” No matter how affluent they are.

On page 4, we learn that the NYPD determined that Deputy Inspector Anthony Bologna “violated guidelines” for pepper-spray use and has been severely reprimanded: He was docked 10 vacation days.

“Bologna was notified yesterday and has three days to accept the punishment or choose to appeal — which could result in a more severe result, sources said.”

Sigh.

There’s also Erik Kriss’ Back away from radicals, Dems told. It’s about how “top Democratic pollster” Douglas Schoen has deduced that 31% of the folks in Zuccotti Park embrace violence.

Rather than respond to this myself, here’s a clip from last night’s Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Rush Limbaugh is terrific, isn’t he?

Bonus Points: No, Rush Limbaugh is not terrific.

Erik Kriss also wrote GOP big fractures tax plan. Apparently, Deputy Senate Majority Leader Thomas Libous (R-Binghamton) currently opposes the “millionaire’s tax.” But “I’ve got a hurting community, and if my community needs revenue, I’m going to have to make decisions that maybe are out of the box for me. If my community, that is ravaged right now, cannot get natural-gas drilling, cannot get what it needs, then the possibility would be to look at any option available.”

So he’s threatening to support the “millionaire’s tax” if Gov. Cuomo doesn’t approve fracking in Binghamton. Um, Thomas? I’m not complaining because I’m for the tax and against fracking, but I’m pretty sure…

“A Manhattan judge has found [Courtney Love] responsible for more than $100,000 worth of jewelry that went missing last year, and Love is going to have to pay it back.”

Good thing she’s getting a cut of Nirvana’s re-release of Nevermind (special edition on sale at Walmart for just $139.88!).

I watched last night’s GOP debate (#37 in a series of 284). The only thing more repulsive than the people on the stage were the people applauding them from the audience.

Geoff Earle recaps the debate but fails to mention my favorite line of the evening. It was Michele Bachmann’s complaint about Obama sending troops to Uganda: “First he put us in Libya, now he’s put us in Africa.”

Let’s see what Michael Goodwin is angry about today… In Sagging intellect, he writes, “Susan Sarandon called Pope Benedict ‘a Nazi.’ It just proves some people will say anything when the career and the jowls are sagging.” How dare she refer to the man who served in the Hitler Youth as a Nazi! He was only following orders!

In Putting $$ where your Web is, he tells “the Warren Buffetts out there who want to pay more taxes” to just make “voluntary payments” to the Department of the Treasury.

In Love to work at nothing, he quotes “Reader Don Gill” as writing, “Just a wild guess but if you grab a few [Wall Street protesters] and did some background checks into their upbringing, I’ll bet you find their parents did a lousy job of passing on the work ethic.” Naturally, Goodwin agrees.

But most of Goodwin’s page is devoted to The job destroyers, which lists some of the folks who support Occupy Wall Street. “Iran’s chief mad mullah, Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khamenei, loves the protests, the government of China applauds them, and Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez is positively gung-ho. Naturally, the American Nazi Party favors the lusty attacks on the ‘Judeo-capitalist banksters’ while the Socialist Party USA and the Communist Party USA are happy passengers on the anti-Wall Street bandwagon. Oh, and Barack Obama hearts the movement, too.” Then Goodwin reminds us that “you should judge a man by his allies.”

Calling Pope Benedict — who served under Adolf Hitler — a Nazi is ridiculous and offensive to Goodwin, but painting everyone in Zuccotti Park as an ally of the American Nazi Party? That’s kosher OK.

Goodwin goes on to explain that the aforementioned “allies” of the protests “reveals what the movement is really about.” But what does the fact that just under 90% of New Yorkers support the protests reveal?

Goodwin also cites Douglas Schoen’s contention that “a third [of the protesters] are willing to use violence to get their way” and calls them a “destructive cult” and “a group of hooligans who occasionally attack [the NYPD], spew anti-Semitic rants and turn the streets into toilets.” And they’re affluent!

“To endorse the radical movement’s sentiments is to deny reality and make the jobs crisis worse. More taxes, debt and regulation would kill the future.”

I’m sure all of the hippies in Zuccotti Park appreciate how Goodwin recycles the same erroneous points twice a week.

Bonus Points: John Stossel and Bill O’Reilly condescendingly discuss Occupy Wall Street.

Page Six is on pages 16. 17 and 18 today.

Here’s a joke (?) from Cindy Adams:

“Paris gossips say DSK is monogramming his shirts with: ‘The early bird gets the worm. The smart birds wait for the French toast.’”

If there really is a God, she will not wake up tomorrow.

David Mamet (!) writes the op-ed Maiden-Aunt America: NY’s ban on Ultimate Fighting, which is about how Mixed Martial Arts should be allowed in New York under the First Amendment (he argues it’s just as artistically valid as the burning of the American flag and Andres Serrano’s “Piss Christ”).

I look forward to his HBO movie which argues that Phil Spector was innocent.

Mark DeCambre’s GIANT GRIPE FEST: Bank bosses cry over losses, regs explains that “Buffeted by the choppy markets and crushing regulations, bank bosses Lloyd Blankfein and Brian Moynihan would also like to get some gripes off their chests about the poor economy and rising regulations. At least that’s the sort of discontent bubbling up from Wall Street executives after Goldman Sachs and Bank of America delivered a double dose of disappointing third-quarter earnings.” DeCambre later notes, “In the third quarter, BofA posted profit of $6.23 billion, or 56 cents a share, down 15 percent from the same period a year ago.”

Fun Fact: Bank of America’s showed a $7.3 billion net loss in the third quarter of 2010. I’m not sure how losing $7,300,000,000 is 15% better than gaining $6,230,000,000, but I am sure that this is a terrible newspaper.

Crude oil is back up to $88.34/barrel.

The World Series starts tonight between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Texas Rangers.

I know more St. Louis fans than Texas fans so if I had any interest, I’d root for St. Louis.

If I had any interest.

Happy Wednesday!

This is not doctored, this is not an impersonator. This is Herman Cain in 1991.

I’m glad John Lennon didn’t live to see this.

Dan Wheldon, 33, died in a 15-car crash during yesterday’s Las Vegas Indy 300. His death is a tragedy and a stark reminder that when a bunch of cars drive really fast in a circle over and over and over again, there’s a possibility that someone will die.

This story is one of two on today’s cover; the other story is DSK ORGY SPREE: ‘Teen-hooker’ pimp ran his sex romps.

“Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s freefall continued yesterday when a French newspaper [Journal du Dimanche] claimed that a top cop in his homeland, caught up in the probe of an underage-hooker ring, served as his personal pimp, organizing orgies with prostitutes in New York and France.”

“Strauss-Kahn’s personal prostitutes were allegedly selected for him by a 62-year-old procurer named Dominique ‘Dodo’ Alderweireld, who made several trips to New York when DSK was there, the French paper said… Investigators said the ring had brought women across the Belgian border to have sex with wealthy clients in Lille hotels, including a four-star Carlton. Five men — including the Carlton’s director — have been arrested in France and charged with pimping. Prostitution is legal in France, as long as the women are 18 or over.”

Actually, I think this might help DSK’s political chances in France.

Fredric, You Dicker U. Dicker’s page 2 EXCLUSIVE (PA chief blowing bucks on G. Zero) begins, “Hundreds of millions of dollars in ‘unnecessary spending’ were authorized by outgoing Port Authority Executive Director Chris Ward to accelerate the rebuilding of Ground Zero, an explosive new audit will show.”

“A source close to the Cuomo administration” (allegedly) told Mr. Dicker, “You can’t credit Ward with with accelerating the construction without holding him liable for the bill. The economics of this are going to be terrible for New York for decades to come as the bills keep coming in.”

Mr. Ward stepped down in order to pursue his love of theater. His one-man show, I, Phil Silvers Jr., is currently in rehearsals.

“[Occupy Wall Street] plans to possibly occupy Lincoln Plaza on the Upper West Side tomorrow — and is gearing up for a worldwide rally against police brutality Saturday.” Yay!

Yesterday, Brian Douglas, 33, of Bushwick, Brooklyn, proposed “to gal pal Deb Szczepkowski, 32, in front of a crowd of about 50 people in Zuccotti Park. Using a ‘mike-check’ moment… Douglas asked for her hand in marriage… He [said] — and the crowd repeated — ‘Will you occupy the rest of my life?’ His girlfriend accepted.” YAY!

“After a tumultuous face-off in Times Square and 92 arrests Saturday, the NYPD reported no Occupy Wall Street-related arrests or incidents yesterday.” SUPER-YAY!

With the exception of a slender sidebar on the far right of page 9, all of pages 8 and 9 are devoted to Herman Cain.

Carl Campanile and Ginger Adams Otis’ fawning Fast-food whiz beat cancer — and Bill Clinton in TV clash refers to a town-hall debate in 1994. I found the clip:

I like the way Cain says “calc-a-lation.” I also like how Slick Willie says he enjoys eating Godfather’s Pizza.

But most of the Cain coverage belongs to S.A. Miller’s Cain explains: Why America will go the whole 9-9-9, which begins, “Republican presidential juggernaut Herman Cain yesterday admitted for the first time that his 9-9-9 tax plan would be a tax hike for some Americans. ‘Some people will pay more, but most would pay less is my argument,’ Cain told NBC’s Meet the Press.”

When asked which people would pay more, Cain replied, “Who will pay more? The people who spend more money on new goods. The sales tax only applies to people who buy new goods, not used goods. That’s a big difference.” Miller correctly (and surprisingly) notes, “He did not explain which groups would see higher taxes.” But later on, Miller writes, “He insisted that every American would benefit from lower retail prices under the plan.” Except, I would imagine, retailers.

“Cain also responded to criticism from anti-tax crusader Grover Norquist, the powerful conservative activist who advised Republicans to oppose 9-9-9 because the national sales taxes would give Washington a new revenue stream to abuse.” I just found the one thing I like about Herman Cain: Grover Norquist doesn’t like him.

“‘Why me and not Mitt Romney?’ Cain said. ‘He has been more of a Wall Street executive. I have been more of a Main Street executve.’”

Fun Fact: Herman Cain served as the chairman (Omaha Branch board 1989-1991), deputy chairman (1992-1994) and chairman (1995-1996) of the board of directors of the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City. B’also? “Cain’s surge also has stirred fresh scrutiny, including questions about his ties to billionaire brothers Charles and David Koch and their conservative group, Americans for Prosperity. Some of Cain’s top campaign staff, including his campaign manager and a businessman who helped craft 9-9-9, have links to AFP, which lobbies for lower taxes and less government regulation and spending.”

There’s also a photo composite of Cain’s face and a Terminator robot (THE HERMINATOR) next to a list of some of his positions of various subjects. Under ABORTION, we learn that Cain “opposes terminating a pregnancy in cases of rape and incest” and once referred to Planned Parenthood as “a sham to kill black babies.”

He’s the current frontrunner.

Lindsay Lohan will appear before Los Angeles Judge Stephanie Sautner tomorrow. And Sautner (who has repeatedly inisted that she won’t give Lindsay another chance) could sentence Lindsay to “a year and a half behind bars for probation violations.”

Poor Lindsay Lohan.

According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), Zachary Quinto is gay.

Also, Shannen Doherty married Kurt Iswarienko. I wish them fourteen months of happiness.

Cindy Adams accuses Occupy Wall Street of being criminals and then criticizes banks for preying on the poor.

“Besides social networks and Internet types mobilizing the rabble, moles in Wall Street trenches say their numbers include techie experts and wonks capable of hacking into banking and finance systems. The plan? To close down the Street’s operation through jamming their computers. Pay attention: I am warning the industry in advance.

More money info. With banks charging for credit cards, forward-thinking Chase is thinking forward. I, the world’s eyes/ears/mouth inform you that to offset lower-level customers saving extra tariff by not using debit cards, Chase now socks poorer depositors a fee for not using their debit cards. Only in corporate America, kids, only in corporate America.”

She doesn’t approve of Chase’s actions… or of the people protesting those actions.

Andrea Peyser notes that “Scarlett Johansson is the latest starlet to have nude photos stolen from her computer and leaked on the Internet.” She doesn’t note, however, that this happened over a month ago.

And in Pols only fanning the flames, Mandrea writes, “The Occupy Wall Street insanity grew predictably violent Friday as the owners of Zuccotti Park, lately used as a bed and toilet, backed off plans to temporarily move protesters, remove their sleeping bags, and hose down the place… Public Advocate Bill de Blasio stopped at the park to give aid and comfort to the derelicts.” She fails to mention that the protesters cleaned the park themselves. But she perpetuates the myth that they’re shitting in the park. And ignores the fact that her husband is a suspected pedophile.

“The Big Apple’s major airports — JFK, LaGuardia and Newark — are among the worst in the nation for on-time arrivals… More than one-third of the flights into all three of the airports were late in August.”

Well, at least air travel is more expensive and arduous and requires being molested and/or exposed to radiation.

Senior correspondent for Fox Business Network Charles Gasparino writes the op-ed New York’s Marxist Epicenter.

“The standard portrayal of the Wall Street protesters goes something like this: Ragtag group of unemployed young adults, venting often incoherent but overall legitimate populist outrage about economic inequality. But go down to the movement’s headquarters, as I did this past weekend, and you see something far different. It’s not just that knowledge of their ‘oppressors’ — the evil bankers — is pretty thin, or that many of them are clearly college kids with nothing better to do than embrace the radical chic of ‘a cause.’ I found a unifying and increasingly coherent ideology emerging among the protesters, which at its core has less to do with the evils of the banking business and more about the evils of capitalism — and the need for a socialist revolution.” And they shit in the street!

“Maybe the worse-spent dollar I have ever spent in my life was on a propaganda broadsheet titled “Justice,” which advocates ‘Struggle, Solidarity, Socialism.’” And maybe a worse-spent dollar would be the one your parents paid a school to teach you the difference between “worse” and “worst.”

“I don’t advise going down to Zuccotti Park to have a serious conversation with the protesters, given their growing propensity toward violence and the growing revolutionary tone of the movement.” And I don’t advise getting your news from any channel with “Fox” in its name, given their growing propensity to ignore facts and lie about anyone that doesn’t directly benefit their bottom line.

Alana Goodman’s Anti-Jewish ‘Occupier’ begins, “The main organizer behind Occupy Wall Street, Adbusters editor Kalle Lasn, has a history of anti-Jewish writing.”

And the GOP allowed Pat Buchanan to speak at the 1992 Republican National Convention despite writing this on March 17, 1990:

This May, Israel’s Supreme Court will decide whether John Demjanjuk, the Cleveland auto worker convicted of being “Ivan the Terrible,” the butcher of Treblinka who operated the gas chamber, follows Adolph Eichmann to the gallows.

Oddly, the closer Demjanjuk comes to death, the more certain his innocence appears. Had we known in 1980, when he was stripped of U.S. citizenship, what we know today, he would have walked out of his Cleveland courtroom a free man.

Since the war, 1,600 medical papers have been written on “The Psychological and Medical Effects of the Concentration Camps on Holocaust Survivors.”

This so-called “Holocaust Survivor Syndrome” involves “group fantasies of martyrdom and heroics.” Reportedly, half the 20,000 survivor testimonies in Jerusalem are considered “unreliable,” not to be used in trials.

Finally, the death engine. During the war, the underground government of the Warsaw Ghetto reported to London that the Jews of Treblinka were being electrocuted and steamed to death.

The Israeli court, however, concluded the murder weapon for 850,000 was the diesel engine from a Soviet tank which drove its exhaust into the death chamber. All died in 20 minutes, Finkelstein swore in 1945.

The problem is: Diesel engines do not emit enough carbon monoxide to kill anybody. In 1988, 97 kids, trapped 400 feet underground in a Washington, D.C., tunnel while two locomotives spewed diesel exhaust into the car, emerged unharmed after 45 minutes.

Demjanjuk’s weapon of mass murder cannot kill.

And now for the punchline: Buchanan’s piece (Dividing Line) ran in… the New York Post.

The Post’s online archive doesn’t go back that far, but I found it — and a thorough debunking of it — here.

I guess that means that everyone at the Post is a Holocaust denier, too, right, Alana?

And that’s Monday.

Before we begin, Ty Templeton posted this on Facebook. This is for the folks at Occupy Wall Street (and every other Occupation in America):

Well said, Mr. Rogers.

I told you they wanted to put violence on their cover. The caption is “Protesters are pushed back by cops yesterday as the Occupy Wall Street movement flooded Times Square — and cities around the world.” I guess “Furious, balding man juggles inferiority and superiority complexes while punching young woman in the face as his co-worker grabs a woman’s jaw for some reason” wouldn’t fit.

I’m not so sure about the head count of 5,000.

BusinessWeek reported 6,000 people were in attendance and WNBC cited “some 10,000 people.”

Hmmm… who to believe…

Anyhoodles, here’s some footage of those extremely violent protesters getting punched in the head while making peace signs with their fingers:

We now return to the Post’s completely unbiased coverage of Occupy Times Square.

“Forty-five people were arrested as a mob of protesters — voicing their anger about what many describe as the worst economic situation since the Great Depression — clashed with police trying to set up barricades to keep them on sidewalks… Officers and protesters could be seen shoving back and forth.”

Remember the horse that fell down in the above video? The Post has a photo of the horse with this caption: “MOUNTING ANGER: A cop struggles for balance as his horse gets pushed amid the Times Square protest yesterday.” Let’s see if that corresponds to the article the photo appears next to. “One cop’s horse tumbled to the ground after it slipped on a grating. The horse and officer were not injured.” Nope.

“Meanwhile, NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly yesterday defended the use of force against protesters despite some disturbing images caught on camera. ‘Sometimes these are not neat situations — they can get tumultuous,’ Kelly said.”

Tumultuous? What kind of arugula-eating elitist is Ray Kelly?

Cynthia R. Fagen’s Angry protests around the world features a black-and-white version of this photo:

According to The Washington Post, “tens of thousands of people around the world took to the streets Saturday” in “more than 900 cities in Europe, Africa and Asia, as well as in the United States.” Not surprisingly, the (New York) Post chose to focus on the one rally that turned violent.

Cynthia also notes that there were 40,000 protesters marching in Portugal. Portuguese television, however, put the number at 50,000.

I had no idea that there were so many lazy Brooklynites on the planet.

The Post recently reported that some of Rep. Mike Grimm’s constituents (in Brooklyn and Staten Island) are unhappy that the Tea Party Republican is endorsing Mitt Romney (a decidedly un-Tea Party candidate). Mary Kay Linge’s follow-up (Grimm and bear it: Rep. fires back at ‘betrayed’ Tea Party base) features Grimm explaining that “some of his newfound critics aren’t true Tea Partiers at all but ‘libertarians or 9/11 Truthers who have taken extreme positions and have never shared my overall views. Now that they’ve become irrelevant, they’re trying to say they’re part of the Tea Party.’ Cracks in the Tea Party movement are showing as purists out to slash big government split from pragmatists willing to work with establishment Republicans.”

Linge (with an assist from Grimm) explains that the Tea Party — which is all about cutting government spending and lowering taxes and watering the tree of liberty with the blood of patriots — is primarily pragmatists willing to work with establishment Republicans, and anyone who wants more than a slight adjustment to the way things currently are is a libertarian and/or a 9/11 Truther.

“Despite dimming enthusiasm among campaign foot soldiers, Grimm is confident his Tea Party support remains firm.”

And if it isn’t, it’s because those Tea Partiers were never real Tea Partiers.

Last week, there was a scuffle at a McDonald’s in the West Village. I didn’t write about it because I couldn’t find the video of the incident. I just did.

Rayon McIntosh Jr., 31, “is caught on tape using a metal rod to beat patrons Denise Darbeau, 24, and and Rachel Edwards, 24, breaking Darbeau’s skull and arm and cutting Edwards.”

Fun Fact: Before joining the McDonald’s family, Rayon “served nearly 11 years for manslaughter, assault and weapons charges.”

Bonus Points: Gary Buiso writes that Rayon’s father (Rayon McIntosh Sr.) “plans to order up a good defense layer.”

One successful food service pun (“order up”), and one (possibly unintentional) awful one (“defense layer”). But not one joke about how rayon is a manufactured regenerated cellulose fiber that works at McDonald’s.

“Con Ed has given the Ground Zero mosque an ultimatum: Pay the $1.7 million you owe in back rent, or we’ll terminate your lease and take back our property.”

Anybody want to bet that when the Ground Zero mosque Park51 comes up with the money, the Post starts demanding to know where it came from (but they’ll never question the hundreds of millions of dollars big business anonymously donates to the politicians the Post supports)?

“Two days after entering an upstate hospital [Orange Regional Medical Center] to get her tubes tied, a 32-year-old upstate woman [Ana Maria Mejia] found herself paralyzed — able to move only her eyelids.” She filed suit against the hospital “and her gynecologist, Dr. Christopher Allen… Allen could not be reached for comment.”

Mejia could be reached for comment but, you know…

Michael Goodwin is infuriating. Here are selections from ‘Left’overs hold the city hostage:

“Each day, about 3.7 million people go to work in New York City. For the last month, fewer than 500 people have been sleeping in a park near Wall Street so they can curse the economy that produces all those jobs for all those people. Guess which group is getting expressions of sympathy and even solidarity from the president to the mayor?” Every day, Michael Goodwin rubs dog excrement on his children and punches his wife in the face. Actually, chances are he doesn’t (though I have no proof either way), but neither do the protesters of Occupy Wall Street “curse the economy that produces [3.7 million] jobs.” They are protesting the fact that the banks own our government and that “we the people” are not represented by our politicians. They aren’t protesting “the economy,” they’re protesting the fact that gigantic corporations like Bank of America doesn’t pay any taxes (and also that they treat their customers horribly, as evidenced in the video below).

“The demonstrators include open anti-Semites, homeless people and anarchists, along with students, trust-fund babies and the terminally bored.” And the GOP includes deadbeat dads, homophobes, criminals, sexists, evolution deniers, Jesus freaks, racists, Holocaust deniers — and those are just the Republicans who are currently in office (and Pat Buchanan).

“They claim they represent the 99 percent of Americans who have been screwed over by the top 1 percent. It’s a catchy slogan, but backward. The people who work to support their families and lead productive lives are the backbone, heart and soul of America.” Wait… what? That’s like me saying “Michael Goodwin claims that he isn’t a pedophile and that the charges against him are false, but children are our nation’s most precious resource.” What Goodwin calls America’s backbone aren’t the people who Occupy Wall Street are protesting against! They’re part of the 99%, too!

“When times are tough, the tough don’t quit work so they can complain. And the people who really want a job aren’t playing drums in a park, getting stoned and taunting cops.” If everyone in Zuccotti Park quit their jobs in order to protest, there would be a lot more job openings in New York City. B’also? There are far more gun-toting racists at any given Tea Party rally then there are pot-smoking drum-players at any Occupy rally.

“If they ruled the world, we’d all be living in mud huts and begging for handouts.” Wow. He also refers to Occupy Wall Street as “this tiniest faction,” ignoring the fact that it has spread across the globe to almost 1,000 cities. And he calls Zuccotti Park a “law-free zone” where protesters are “breaking numerous laws, including the open use of drugs.” At least the Post has stopped claiming that protesters are having sex and defecating in the street.

“The freeloading rabble doesn’t need a pitchfork or even coherence to get action. All it needs to do is turn a park into a fetid camp and the government of the United States will drop on bended knee.” And all Goodwin needs to drop on bended knee is $20 and a mint for afterwards.

Bonus Points: One of his other “pieces” today is Stupidity is Jerry’s Job One (reprinted here in its entirety):

“They’re hiring in California! According to the Manhattan Institute, Gov. Jerry Brown caved in to a food-workers union by signing legislation that limits ‘the use of automated checkout machines in grocery stores.’ Brilliant. Stopping progress will definitely solve the jobs crisis.” Actually, stupid, he’s allowing more cashiers to remain employed. It won’t solve the jobs crisis but it won’t add to it, either.

According to Page Six (today on pages 10 and 11), Jason Davis is engaged! To a woman named Michelle Haugo!

They’ve apparently been dating (and wearing the same clothes) since 2008:

Can I use Jason (a closeted heroin addict) as a template for all people who vote for Republicans?

Also, are we sure Michelle is a woman?

“A public Brooklyn school refused to promote a Muslim boy to the sixth grade because of his religion, says an incendiary lawsuit in Brooklyn federal court. Abedin Kajoshaj, 11, had the marks to move on to the sixth grade at PS 180, the SEEALL Academy in Borough Park, but was inexplicably held back at the end of the 2009-2010 year, the suit claims.”

“In kindergarten, Abedin was suspended after presenting two notes from Muslim doctors that said he was allergic to eggs and that he could not be administered a vaccine… And two child-abuse claims made by the school to state officials were ‘founded in racism’ and dismissed, court papers claim.”

Somewhere, Herman Cain is giggling.

“Vincent Delgrosso, 26, claims in a lawsuit that he was left bloodied and battered after officers from the Staten Island Gang Squad stopped his car on Watchogue Road and arrested him for selling PCP. ‘They were just stomping on my face for four or five minutes,’ Delgrosso says of the alleged Feb. 17 attack. ‘They pulled down my pants first. I was naked on the ground. They started sticking objects in my rectum. I don’t know what they were,’ he says. The seven officers laughed during the beating and called Delgrosso a ‘faggot,’ according to a Brooklyn Federal Court lawsuit he filed Oct. 6 against the city.”

After the NYPD footage I’ve seen over the last month, this seems chillingly plausible to me.

“A Florida man stabbed his 26-year-old son partly because the offspring allegedly stole a can of Dad’s lima beans, police said. Donald Wynn, 54, had been living with his son for just a month when he was arrested on attempted-murder charges. The younger man was hospitalized in critical condition yesterday.” Say cheese, Donald!

Ah, Florida.

“Get ready for an aberration of historic proportion.” — Herman Cain on his unlikely rise in the polls.

Are you sure he wasn’t referring to his “9-9-9″ plan?

“I do not think it’s even in the realm of possibility.” — Hillary Clinton on replacing Joe Biden on the presidential ticket.

OMG! She left the door open!

“If it’s too late for Chris Christie, it’s too late for me.” — Rudy 9iu11ani on running for president in 2012.

OMG! He left the door open!

Today’s contextless Harris poll is What’s your favorite holiday?

Christmas came in first (despite the constant war being waged against it by the voices in Bill O’Reilly’s head), followed by Thanksgiving and Halloween. But what made me laugh (and question the veracity of the the results) is that My birthday came in 9th — right after Memorial Day and Labor Day.

Tied for 10th place? Valentine’s Day and Hannukah (which I’ll assume means Hanukkah).

Whoever allowed this to go to press is so very fired.

A second contextless poll appears on page 27: Do you approve of Occupy Wall Street protestors? (note the English spelling of protesters)

No answer 3%

Oppose 24%

Undecided 35%

Approve 38%

That means that (according to this Reuters/Ipsos poll) 76% of respondents either approve, aren’t sure or have no answer. Does that mean that only 24% of the Post’s coverage will pander to those who disapprove?

[SPOILER: No.]

Pages 28 and 29 list various figures from the Census Bureau’s 2012 Statistical Abstract. First up: Demographics.

“Between 2000 and 2010, every single state’s population increased — except for Michigan, which had a 0.6% decline… NY increased by 2.1%.”

Didn’t the Post keep insisting that New York’s population went down in the last decade because of our high taxes? Or was that just New York City?

Also listed is the Median annual income for individuals (in constant 2009 dollars): Men, all races.

In 1990, the average was $32,284.

In 2000, the average was $35,303.

In 2009, the average was $32,184.

Now do you understand why there are protesters in Zuccotti Park? On average, American men are making $100 less per year than they were 19 years ago.

“Happy Bank Transfer Day! It’s unlikely you’ll be wishing that to your friends and family on Nov. 5. But if you are one of the millions of bank customers who loathe the new fees being charged by your financial institution, then the first Saturday in November could be a date to mark on your calendar. Critics of the industry have chosen Guy Fawkes Day as the symbolic deadline for a Facebook-driven crusade to get people to withdraw their money from regular bank accounts and stash it in feeless, but oft-ignored, credit unions.”

One of my favorite graphic novels of all time is Alan Moore and David Lloyd’s V for Vendetta. It was made into a (decent) movie in 2006. Here’s a clip:

When the group Anonymous chose Guy Fawkes masks as their de facto uniform, I wasn’t sure if they were honoring Fawkes or Moore/Lloyd (or both). But when I read about Bank Transfer Day falling on November 5th, I immediately thought of one of the last images in the film version of V for Vendetta.

I think a lot of banks are in for a rude awakening (unless they continue to prevent people from closing their accounts like Citibank and Bank of America have started doing).

“Remember, remember, the fifth of November…”

ASK ASHLEY!

My wife and I haven’t been intimate in over six months due to an accident in which I sustained serious injuries. I have now been given the green light; however, I want to make it special. How can I spice things up to make it more memorable? — Dave, Astoria

ASHLEY: “The key to getting out of the usual sex routine, is literally getting out… book a room at a hot NYC hotel like the Standard… Then, if you really want to ’spice things up,’ how about looking through the hotel’s on-demand adult movie section? Even just flipping through the options and watching trailers might get you in the mood for something new!”

ME: “This is why you shouldn’t ask a prostitute for romantic advice. Getting a (comically-overpriced) hotel room and watching trailers for porn movies is only romantic if you are a hooker or a teenager. I would imagine that having sex for the first time in six months will be romantic enough for your wife (unless you’re not a satisfactory lover), but feel free to buy her flowers and cook her dinner, too.”

The 50-something-year-old man I’ve been with for 15 years insists he “needs” sex on a daily basis. I’ve explained that I simply don’t have the same sexual appetite that he does. Still, if we go two days without sex, he becomes sullen and makes snarky comments. His behavior is decreasing my interest in him sexually. He refuses to attend counseling because this is a “personal matter.” What do you think? — Anonymous

ASHLEY: “I do agree that he could use some counseling, if only for a neutral party to tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and pushing you further away.”

ME: “If your husband insists on having sex and you insist on not having sex, then you should either get a divorce or stay married and let him sleep with someone else. Ashley could probably recommend some cheap hoo-ers for you, if you’d like.”

Reed Tucker interviews women who dress up for the New York Comic Con in GIRLS GONE GEEK.

“‘Oh yeah. I get hit on,’ adds Yaya Han, a popular model who makes and models her own skimpy costumes based on video game and superhero characters. ‘Guys will say, “Nice boots,” when they mean nice boobs.’”

“‘I get hit on every five minutes,’ confirms Yuffie Bunny, a 26-year-old model promoting costume company Head Kandi. ‘I feel like the new pick-up line at conventions is, “Can I get a photo of you?”‘”

These women (Yaya and Yuffie) dress like a 13-year-old’s sexual fantasy and then get indignant when people pay attention to them? Feh.

Over in the Sports section, Hondo writes, “Experts say sanitary issues could cause a health crisis among the Occupy Wall Street protesters at the Zuccotti Park whiz- and dump-fest. With the unemployment crisis one of their areas of concern, some enterprising dissident probably could find work and make a killing by investing in a pooper-scooper and charging park dumpers for fecal-matter removal.”

Zing!

(I guess the Post hasn’t stopped claiming that protesters are defecating in the street.)

And that’s Sunday.

Also in Page Six (still on page 10) is the news that “Lindsay Lohan’s reps are ordering clubs where she parties not to play songs by rapper Pitbull, whom she’s suing over his lyrics, ‘I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.’”

In case you had forgotten, Pitbull (real name: Armando Christian Pérez) released a song (“Give Me Everything”) whose lyrics Lindsay claims in her lawsuit are “defamatory statements [that] are destined to do irreparable harm” to her (who is described as “a professional actor of good repute and standing”). More like a professional defendant of ill repute who’s rarely standing, am I right?

“Yesterday it was reported that Lohan was supposed to serve 360 hours of community service at Los Angeles’ Downtown Women’s Center, but was given the boot for violating the rules. TMZ reported she missed nine scheduled visits and would leave others early… She’s due back in court on Wednesday.”

I hope the judge gives her a seventeenth chance.

Bonus Points: Here’s a recent picture of Lindsay’s teeth (she was on the red carpet at a video game release party in Hollywood, so it’s not like she wasn’t expecting to be photographed):

In Perry gusher: Cap energy regs, Geoff Earle would like you to know that “Texas Gov. Rick Perry yesterday announced a plan to ‘kick-start’ the economy by rolling back ‘aggressive’ environmental regulations… ‘The quickest way to give our economy a shot in the arm is to deploy American ingenuity to tap American energy. But we can only do that if environmental bureaucrats are told to stand down,’ [Perry] said.”

Earle doesn’t seem to have a problem with Perry’s plan and you might not either… unless you read more about it.

Rick Perry thinks what this country needs is less regulation. And you might, too… if oil companies paid you as much as they pay him.

Erik Kriss devotes three sentences to ‘Don’t frackin’ do it,’ which is buried in the bottom-right corner of page 12. Here are the first two: “Gov. Cuomo should go and check Pennsylvania fracking’s ‘devastating effects’ before allowing it in New York, Sen. Greg Ball (R-Putnam) said yesterday. He also urged lawmakers to visit Pennsylvania communities impacted by hydraulic fracturing before granting permits to drill for gas in upstate’s Marcellus Shale.”

A Republican warning Cuomo about the dangers of fracking? Now I truly have seen everything.

“The rash of sex attacks in Brooklyn is even worse than anyone feared. Cops yesterday added seven additional cases to the list of sex crimes believed to be part of a disturbing pattern. The attack toll in Park Slope, Sunset Park, Windsor Terrace and Bay Ridge over the last seven months has now reached 20, officials said. Of the new attacks, six of them occured at one busy Park Slope F-train station, cops said yesterday.”

And that station is… Seventh Avenue (the stop before ours). And the only train that takes us from our house to Manhattan is… the F train.

I’m buying my wife some mace.

Rich Lowry discusses the “puerile ideology of Occupy Wall Street” (which he also calls “insipid”) because he is a smug prick.

The editorial Showdown Postponed complains that “what might have been an ugly confrontation between the trustifarians of the Occupy Wall Street movement and the NYPD was avoided at the last minute yesterday morning.” Damn it! We wanted to put violence on our front page!

Later, the Post takes solace in the fact that the protesters, upon learning about their victory, “several hundred protesters” took to the streets, “leading to clashes with cops throughout the Financial District — a reminder that there has been a violent element to this movement from the start.” Um… what? Tea Partiers brought assault rifles to Town Hall meetings! The protesters on Wall Street have no weapons — and get pepper-sprayed and beaten with nightsticks by overzealous (and/or deranged) police — and they’re the violent ones? That is some fair and balanced thinking.

“Meanwhile, police overtime costs — which hit $3.2 million this week — will continue to grow. (Maybe it’s just time to redeploy them to where they can be more useful — like actually fighting crime or something.)” Mark your calendars. Today is the day the editorial board at this horrible newspaper actually published something intelligent. I’m sure it was an oversight.

“Rep. Edward Markey (D-Mass.) sent a letter to Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos yesterday expressing his privacy concerns with the e-commerce giant’s soon-to-be-launched Kindle Fire tablet. Amazon developed a Web browser called Silk to run on the new device, which was unveiled last month and will be in stores Nov. 15. The browser facilitates speedy Internet surfing but also directs all traffic through its cloud service, allowing it to collect a treasure trove of consumer data.”

“The Silk browser… gives Amazon the ability to track users across the Web as they surf and shop. As a default setting, all users’ online activity is recorded on Amazon servers… Amazon has said consumers can opt-out of routing their activity through its servers, but that slows down their connection.”

If only we had some (¿cómo se dice…?) net neutrality or something.

“In Fort Lauderdale, Fla., Manny Ramirez pleaded not guilty to a domestic battery charge involving his wife… He is free on $2,500 bail.”

It’s just another case of Manny being Manny pleading not guilty.

“ABC has cancelled the low-rated Charlie’s Angels after just four episodes, according to multiple reports.”

I hope co-star Minka Kelly doesn’t get depressed and kill herself over this.

Yes, I do. Derek Jeter should only date me.

And that, finally, is Saturday.

More to come…

“A decade after losing its church in the Sept. 11 attacks, a Greek Orthodox congregation will be allowed to rebuild next to the World Trade Center.”

I am outraged. The Greeks are all violent, smelly trustafarians who spend all of their parents’ money on Apple products and then want free handouts from the government and also want to destroy the government.

Where’s Pamela Geller when you really need her?

“An angry Mayor Bloomberg blasted local politicians yesterday for strong-arming the owners of Zuccotti Park into reversing a decision to clear out encamped Wall Street protesters — and allowing the activists to claim a victory over the city.”

Fun Fact: Mayor Bloomberg’s girlfriend, Diana Taylor, sits on the company’s board of directors. If only she could have told someone with political clout about the threats her company had (allegedly) gotten…

“One source said Brookfield [Properties] caught the city off guard when it first requested help Tuesday night from the NYPD to clear the park, which is open to the public 24 hours a day.’They sent a letter without checking with anyone at City Hall or the Police Department,’ the source said. ‘The city had no choice but to respond.’”

There’s minimal coverage of Felix Rivera-Pitre and the National Lawyers Guild observer who “was apparently pinned by a police scooter,” but most of the coverage is about how though thuggish hippies (?) and their political lackeys strong-armed the city into letting them continue to do drugs and have sex and poop in the street. Right, NYPD spokesthing Paul Browne? “You had a large number of individuals breaking the law by remaining on the street, disrupting traffic, and some of those individuals [were] resisting officers and fighting with them when they were being arrested.”

And yet, out of that “large number of individuals,” just over a dozen were arrested. Funny that.

“A judge yesterday recommended holding al Qaeda liable for nearly $9.4 billion in damages to several insurance companies for the payments they had to make after the 9/11 terror attacks.”

Collecting that money should be easy. Unless al Qaeda hires Joseph Tacopina.

“An ailing Brooklyn priest who had served as an FDNY chaplain for a quarter-century was arrested yesterday on charges of trying to sexually abuse two boys in the rectory of his parish, officials said. Msgr. Thomas Brady, 78, was placed on administrative leave by the Diocese of Brooklyn, which alerted authorities to the alleged crimes in the Good Shepherd Parish in Marine Park… Brady was released on $2,000 bail after appearing in Brooklyn Criminal Court on charges, including attempted sex abuse.”

In a related story, Kansas City’s Catholic bishop [Bishop Robert Finn] has become the highest-ranking U.S. Catholic official indicted on a charge of failing to protect children after he and his diocese waited five months to tell police about hundreds of images of child pornography discovered on a priest’s computer, officials said Friday.

Jesus Christ.

A month ago, Dominique Strauss-Kahn was on French TV claiming there was “no act of aggression” against Tristane Banon that night in 2003. But when he was questioned by police, he told them, “I tried to take her into my arms. I tried to kiss her on the mouth. She pushed back firmly. She cried out, more or less, ‘Are you mad?’ I immediately relaxed my grip. She grabbed her things and left the flat, furious.”

Geez, this guy is almost as bad as that Nafissatou Diallo lady! Pick a story!

Michael Ramirez drew the political cartoon featured in Page Six (today on page 10). It’s a picture of what Ramirez believes the typical Occupy Wall Street protester looks like and has helpfully labelled his various accessories, including: NIKE HAT, COCA COLA T-SHIRT, DOLCE & GABBANA PANTS, APPLE IPHONE and a bag of food from MCDONALDS [sic].

That’s all I have time for today. Off to yet another rehearsal.

Enjoy what remains of the weekend.