Posts Tagged ‘California’

Longtime reader Scott F. in California has sent me a YouTube clip of Cindy Adams’ recent appearance on TV. Do not watch if you have just eaten or are about to eat:

As someone who reads the Post every day, I recognize almost everything she says from her columns (though the fact that she [allegedly] wrote it herself doesn’t seem to help her deliver it competently). But it made me realize that I have never searched for any video clips of her before. So I looked on YouTube and found this:

It isn’t really a video, true, but it did introduce me to this:

Notice the part at the bottom: “The hilarious adventures of Mr. and Mrs.” Nice typesetting, MGM!

In case any of you were wondering what to get me for Christmas 2012, I really, really want Cindy Adams to die.

Ricky Gervais is hosting the Golden Globes again in January.

If you watch only one meaningless awards ceremony in 2012, make it this one.

Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

“The Republican-led House yesterday passed a bill that would allow Americans with permits to carry concealed weapons in their home states to also pack heat across state lines. The bill, which is doomed in the Senate, allow permit holders to tote firearms in the 49 states that also issue permits to their residents.”

Jobs! Jobs! (Bills that we know are wastes of time and have absolutely nothing to do with) Jobs!

“The Occupy Wall Streeters are about to create chaos for 99 percent of the city.” Exaggeration and hyperbole are so much fun!

“Tens of thousands of protesters — fresh off their eviction from Zuccotti Park — are expected to kick off the day of chaos around 7 a.m.” There were tens of thousands of protesters evicted from Zuccotti Park? Were they stacked on top of each other? It’s only 33,000 square feet (including the trees and flowers).

“The NYPD is preparing for all-out war — adding an extra 1,000 cops per shift.” War against who? The non-violent protesters? The veterans who support them? Aliens?

“There’s a New World Order in Zuccotti Park… The crackdown has drastically thinned out the protesters — leaving behind a motley mix of hard-core holdouts, junkies and perverts struggling to stay awake as they wander the area, witnesses said.” So in a park where cops now outnumber the protesters “two to one” there are junkies and perverts wandering around? How can “witnesses” recognize them? Are they asking the cops if they’re holding? Are they making grabbing motions with their hands, frantically thrusting their hips and licking their lips?

Is anything in this rag even remotely accurate?

[SPOILER: No.]

Fun Fact: People who watch Fox News are less informed than people who don’t watch any news.

“The lawyers for the young temptress who claims megastar Justin Bieber impregnated her during a 30-second bathroom tryst no longer represent the accuser — and have dropped her paternity suit against the 17-year-old singer. On Nov. 7, attorneys Lance Rogers and Matt Pare were on TV claiming to have blockbuster evidence proving Bieber fathered a now-4-month-old baby with Mariah Yeater.”

Maybe it has something to do with this text that TMZ posted online:

(Mariah is asking her friend to erase all of the texts from her mom that say someone else is her baby’s father. She promises to “kick” her friend “when we get paid.” I can understand old people not understanding why they should send incriminating texts to people, but Yeater is not old people.)

Page Six (today on pages 10, 11 and 12) reports that recently divorced Olivia Wilde (House) thinks people are being unnecessarily mean to Kim Kardashian. “People judge you because divorce is seen as failure. [Kim] took a risk. No one should be attacking her.” She’s right! We shouldn’t be attacking Kim Kardashian — we should be ignoring her!

Page Six also regurgitates yesterday’s story about Lord Tim Bell’s hatred of The Iron Lady and Meryl Streep. There isn’t much new material. But don’t worry. There will be more written about it. I promise.

Cindy Adams writes about the New York Stock Exchange today. “The Exchange dates to 1803. NY Post founder Alexander Hamilton also founded America’s banking system.” So that’s two reasons he’s currently spinning in his grave.

Cindy also writes (and I promise you there is nothing before or after this that provides any context at all): “Even without knowing Herman Cain, they eat pizza. Lance Bass does takeout from Quiznos in LA.”

Does Cindy know that there are no Godfather’s Pizzas in New York City? Who are “they”? Does Cindy think Quiznos sells pizza?

Just get in the box, Cindy. Joey misses you.

“Rick Perry supporters heading to a campaign event in New Hampshire yesterday were hit with a bizarre question before they were allowed in — they had to prove they were US citizens.”

“Perry’s camp later said it was a mistake.”

That people were asked to prove their citizenship or Perry’s campaign?

Geoff Earle and Fredric, You Dicker U. Dicker’s Big Mac attack on Newt’$ tale corrects my correction. Gingrich didn’t get $1,600,000 from Freddie Mac — he got $1,800,000.

“‘Newt Gingrich was there to try to get their agendas through Congress, not to give lectures. That’s a bunch of bullshit,’ a former federal housing agency consultant who has had professional dealings with Gingrich told The Post.”

I think Obama is going to be re-elected.

Andrea Peyser calls “junk documentarian” Michael Moore and “ozone bozo” Al Gore “the world’s biggest hypocrites.” Of course they are.

She also complains about Chelsea Clinton getting a job on NBC. I must have missed her article where she complained about NBC hiring George W. Bush’s daughter (Jenna Bush Hager) or the one where she whined about Meghan McCain getting a gig on MSNBC. But today, she’s apoplectic about Clinton getting a TV gig when there are “thousands of deserving J-school graduates… who’d maim for the chance.”

But what about the fact that Clinton is donating her entire salary to charity? Mandrea thinks that “makes things even worse. Chelsea doesn’t need the money. Just another spoiled, aimless child of rich, successful parents chauffeured through adulthood by Mommy and Daddy connections.”

If Peyser’s daughter gets a job at any company even remotely affiliated with News Corp…. it wouldn’t surprise me.

Andy Soltis reports on Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez, 21, of Idaho, who shot at the White House last Friday.

“Investigators suspect Ortega-Hernandez had been in the Washington area for weeks, blending in with Occupy DC protesters… Occupy protesters, who are living in McPherson Square, a few blocks northwest of the White House, were questioned about Ortega-Hernandez several times and shown his photo.”

Did anyone recognize him? Nope. Has anyone corroborated the investigators’ suspicions? Nope. Will the Post apologize to Occupy DC for accusing them of harboring (knowingly or unknowingly) a man who tried to kill our president?

[SPOILER: Nope.]

Jacob Sullum’s ObamaCare’s Next Mandate: Broccoli? is a master class in asininity. He tries to explain that if Americans are forced to buy health insurance then, logically, they can be forced to buy broccoli.

And then that Muslim’ll come for our guns and our Bibles!

Michael A. Walsh’s Labor’s Latest Wisconsin Offensive tries to convince readers that “The GOP needs to do everything in its power to make sure [Scott] Walker wins — or the country loses.”

And by “the country” he means “the Koch Brothers.”

Crude oil closed at $102.59/barrel yesterday.

Over in the TV section, there’s a recipe for “Nutria smothered in onions” courtesy of the cast of Swamp People.

I won’t post it courtesy of I don’t hate you.

And that’s Thursday.

Schedule got shuffled and I’m working tomorrow and Wednesday. BUT I should be able to catch up over the weekend.

Good night!

If you read only one article about what happened at UC Davis, make it this one.

I have no words.

We’ll return to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow.

The man on the cover dragging the protester out of Rep. Bob Turner’s swearing in (at an auditorium in Queens) is Kevin Hiltunen.

Kevin is an ex-Marine and a former NYPD officer. The Post has dubbed him “New York’s newest hero.”

In the 16th paragraph (of 19) of the follow-up on page 5, we learn that “Hiltunen was a member of the NYPD from February 1994 until June 2009, when he retired in good standing on a disability caused by an accident.”

I wonder what kind of disability he has. It must be a very painful disability — see him wince as he drags a grown man with just one arm. I bet it was a psychological disability.

Some hero.

Weekend Box Office:

J. Edgar opened in 5th place ($11,217,324), Tower Heist dropped from 2nd to 4th place in its second week ($12,773,765), Puss in Boots fell from 1st to 3rd in its second week ($24,726,193), Jack and Jill opened in 2nd ($25,003,575) and Immortals premiered in 1st ($32,206,425).

And on 51st place is 11-11-11, which opened on 11/11/11 on 17 screens and made $32,771 over the weekend.

Scott Olsen was released from the Oakland hospital he has been in since police put him there on October 25th. That information is at the end of Ore-gone! Riot cops force out protesters, which reveals that Portland’s Mayor Sam Adams ordered one of Occupy Portland’s two camps shut down on Saturday at midnight, “citing unhealthy conditions and the encampment’s attraction of drug users and thieves.”

In July of this year, Adams announced that he won’t seek a second term as mayor. He reportedly cited the city’s unhealthy conditions and attraction of drug users and thieves.

OMG! ‘ASS’ HAUL! I just got the headline!

Hahahahahahahaha!

Ass haul. Heh.

Bob Fredericks’ Mansion puts Moore in 1% begins, “He may dress like a slob and claim to speak for working stiffs — but here’s the luxurious home that proves left-winger Michael Moore is a lot closer to the 1 percent than the other 99.”

See, Moore has a $2 million home on Torch Lake in Michigan, which Fredericks notes “has a decided lack of diversity — with whites making up 98 percent of residents.”

Does this make Moore a hypocrite? Nope. Does this mean we should ignore anything (or everything) that he says regarding the Occupy movements? Nope. Will the Post continue to pretend that the answer to those two questions is “yes”? Yes.

“During a GOP presidential debate last week, [Herman] Cain said he didn’t think waterboarding was torture, and Michele Bachmann called it ‘very effective.’”

At one point, each of these idiots was the frontrunner (and may yet be again).

I love the opening sentence of Jeane MacIntosh’s Biebs no ‘pop’ star, says ‘dad’.

“Justin Bieber is just too well mannered to be anyone’s baby daddy, his one-time fill-in father insists.”

If Jeane had hyphenated “well mannered,” it would have been perfect.

“The bipartisan ’supercommittee’ — charged with finding $1.2 trillion in deficit reductions by Thanksgiving — is so deadlocked it will consider eliminating the very penalties that were supposed to force members to do their job in the first place.”

I don’t understand why Congress’ 9% approval rating is so high.

Page Six is on pages 12 and 13 today.

Cindy Adams reports that Jim Gaffigan was introduced to Ricky Gervais at the Beacon Theater. “Wearing sneakers, Gaffigan said: ‘They have laces. Laces are fascists.’ Ricky broke up. Me, I didn’t understand what the hell was funny.”

The joke was funny, Cindy. What isn’t funny is that you continue to haunt this plane of existence.

In The ‘demon’ in ‘demonstrators,‘ Andrea Peyser writes, “A fatal shooting blasted through Occupy Oakland.” Even though it didn’t.

But she spends most of her page ranting about te Brooklyn Museum’s decision to house the exhibit “HIDE/SEEK.” You may remember the name from the last round of angry articles the Post published when it was at the National Portrait Gallery at the Smithsonian last year and later at the New Museum in Manhattan.

The problem is that one of the pieces (“A Fire in My Belly” by the late David Wojnarowicz) features images of ants crawling on a crucifix. Naturally, Mandrea uses the Brooklyn Museum’s decision to showcase art that she doesn’t like to declare that “The War on Christianity is getting uglier.”

That reminds me! It’s almost time for this shrew to start complaining about the War on Christmas! Hooray!

“The judge who freed alleged Penn State kid-sex fiend Jerry Sandusky on bail — with no strings attached — is a volunteer with the charity Sandusky mined for victims, it was reported last night… Pennsylvania district Judge Leslie Dutchcot ignored prosecutors’ request for $500,000 bail — and an electronic ankle bracelet — for Sandusky, instead freeing him on $100,000.” Dutchcot also “ordered that Sandusky ‘pay nothing unless he failed to show up for a court hearing.’”

Anyone think that Dutchcot will face any kind of consequences for her immoral (if not illegal) actions?

Me neither.

Michael Kane interviews Stan Lee for the @work section’s DREAM JOB column. Kane credits Lee with creating “Spider-Man, the Hulk, Thor, Daredevil, Doctor Strange and all of the Fantastic Four.” Lee later declares, “I created Spider-Man.”

Songwriters who can’t sing need people to sing their songs. Screenwriters who can’t direct (and/or produce) need people to turn their scripts into films. And comic-bok writers who can’t draw (like Stan Lee) wouldn’t have created a damn thing if not for the artistic brilliance of Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko and Don Heck (among others).

Pompous ass.

In 2011, the Indianapolis Colts have played 10 regular-season games. I have played none. We have the same number of wins (they’re 0-10 and I’m 0-0).

Linda 3Starsi reviews National Geographic Channel’s new reality series Knights of Mayhem.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Monday.

I have to sleep now (I have to get up made early for work, yo).

Four and a half posts in one day? Not too shabby.

Have a great weekend!

The Post reports that the entire staff of MF Global was fired. But that implies that someone fired them. In fact, the company is completely bankrupt. The 1,066 employees lost their jobs, yes, but it’s because the place they work is no longer in business (thanks to the [former] CEO, Jon Corzine).

This being the Post, though, they made sure to mention that one of the newly-out-of-work people wore a shirt to clean out his office that read “FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!” The Post replaced “fuck” with “f–k” wherever it appeared in print, but not in the photo on page 5:

Classy.

My friend from college, Ahna Tessler, is mentioned on page 3 because she had twins on 11/11/11! And here they are:

Welcome to the world, Madelyn and Elliot Harrison! And congratulations, Ahna!

Herman Cain has been bragging that, despite the numerous sexual-harassment allegations, he’s been raising more funds than ever. “Also in yesterday’s radio interview, Cain said he was now under extraordinary scrutiny. ‘I call it flyspecking. Every word I say now is going to be flyspecked by somebody, and somebody who does not support Herman Cain, they’re going to try to spin it into a negative.’”

As someone who doesn’t support Herman Cain, let me scrutinize that statement and ask: What the fuck does “flyspecking” mean?

“Sasha Grey, 23, took time to read children’s books to a group of elementary-school kids as young as 6, as part of a charitable program in which celebrities read to poverty-stricken students. The star of Anal Cavity Search 6 stopped filming adult movies in 2009 when she began to go mainstream with legitimate films and TV gigs. Parents at Emerson Elementary School in Compton complained to officials about Grey’s porno past, TMZ reported.”

Grey responded to the complaints with a statement which said (in part), “I have a past that some people may not agree with, but it does not define who I am.”

My prediction? Sasha will replace Ashley Dupre at the Post sometime next year.

Page Six is on page 10 today.

These shoes cost more than $4,000 a pair:

They look really comfortable.

“Scientists created super-strong mice, with muscles twice as strong as those of normal mice, by tweaking a gene. The ‘Mighty Mouse’ is stronger, faster and can run twice the distance of ordinary mice before showing signs of fatigue, according to a team of scientists from the Laboratory of Integrative Systems Physiology, in Lausanne [in Switzerland].”

I was going to say that the Swiss are creating a “mouse-ter race,” but decided against it.

You’re welcome.

“A Bloods gang member [Kenny Tavarez, 22] — who convinced a Bronx jury that he needed to carry a loaded gun for protection — has been arrested on attempted murder charges for shooting a man, cops said.”

We need to pay intelligent people to be full-time jurors. Because the people who wind up getting called for jury duty? Generally not the sharpest utensils in the drawer.

“In an effort to bring in fugitive suspects, British cops in Derbyshire offered them a free case of beer — they just had to pick it up. Incredibly, 19 showed up.”

The moral of the story: The British are all alcoholics.

“Texas drivers lost their bid to get the Confederate battle flag added to specialty license plates, with an overwhelming rejection by the state’s Department of Motor Vehicles.”

Texans are now struggling to come up with a alternate image to demonstrate their seething hatred of Black people.

Robert Rector and Rachel Sheffield both work for The Heritage Foundation, which explains why their op-ed (Worse Than Useless Measure of Poverty) is so absurdly partisan. They explain that the Census Bureau’s old method for measuring poverty levels in America was “inaccurate” but the new (and improved) method is “much worse” because it is “designed to provide a never-ending argument for the Left to insist that we must ’spread the wealth’ by throwing more money into welfare programs.”

They go on to explain that we could lift “nearly 75 percent of poor children” out of poverty if just one of their parents worked 40 hours a week. Why won’t all of those poor people just get jobs that don’t exist? They’re so lazy!

But it isn’t just the laziness of the poor that’s destroying America. It’s also “the breakdown of marriage.”

Of course it is.

Excerpts from the editorial Now It’s a Health Hazard:

“Zuccotti Park seems to have become a disease incubator.” The Post seems to be full of shit.

“Respiratory disease appears to be common: ‘It’s called Zuccotti lung,’ one park denizen told [The New York] Times. ‘It’s a real thing.’ (Next thing you know, the busy little bees at Mt. Sinai Hospital will be lobbying for federal aid for the ‘victims,’ and the tort lawyers will be lining up.)” Yeah, fuck those jerks at Mt. Sinai Hospital! And hooray for tort reform!

“There was a fatal shooting following a gang fight at Occupy Oakland.” No, there was a fatal shooting near Occupy Oakland. That’s like calling Park51 the Ground Zero Mosque!

Oh, right.

Sayville’s Patrick Phelan writes in to announce, “I watched Herman Cain’s press conference, and he has my vote. I hope the liberal media are watching and not hiding behind the couch.” Those liberals and their couches!

Apple Valley, California’s Daniel Jeffs writes, “The biased, liberal media are doing a Clarence Thomas-style political lynching of Cain, similar to the demonization of Newt Gingrich. It’s what Democrats do against their most dangerous opponents. I would like to see a Gingrich/Cain Republican ticket to restore America.” So would I, Daniel. So would I.

Clifton, New Jersey’s M. Kalinowski writes, “As the attacks on Cain show, the Democratic Party and its leftist media lapdogs hate the audacity of any black man who thinks for himself.” So true.

Rotterdam’s Edmond Day writes, “For generations, racists have branded black men with the stereotype of being sexual predators. Now the Democrats are doing this to Cain.” Therefore, all Democrats are racists. Case closed!

Maggie Gallagher complains that Laura Bassett’s recent Huffington Post piece, “The Men Behind the War on Women,” is “a spectacular example of a truly novel and unpleasant combination of naked aggression on the hard left, self-pityingly described as a brave defensive stance against a scary new ‘attack.’ First, government takes over health care, and then Catholic resistance to subsidizing abortion or contraception is described as a war on women. If you’re looking for a true war on women to fight, I have a suggestion: Look to the use of abortion to kill baby girls in the womb.”

“The right to choose to kill your daughters. Surely if we’re looking for a way to fight a war against women, this would be the place to start?”

Maggie Gallagher is my favorite Muppet.

Linda 3Starsi reviews CMT’s Reel Love.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Saturday.

More to come…

Attorney Richard Katz is suing the Setai Club and Spa Wall Street “for reneging on its promise of a ‘complimentary full breakfast’ with his $5,000 annual membership fees.”

“‘They had a full restaurant menu like you get in a hotel — omelets, pancakes, waffles, yogurts, meats, juices,’ he said. ‘Whatever you wanted.’ But, after the restaurant closed for a month this past August, he said, the spa started serving just a cold buffet on the roof deck. Eventually, the club let him quit and gave him a prorated refund of his fees. But he said he told them: ‘It’s just not that easy.’”

Katz is suing for $730,000.

If this was England, Katz would have to pay Setai’s legal bill after he loses his frivolous lawsuit. But it isn’t, so he won’t.

“More than a half-million health-insurance policy holders are in line for a combined $114.5 million in refunds for overcharges last year by 11 companies, Gov. Cuomo said yesterday. New York law requires insurers to spend at least 82 cents of every dollar on medical care, or refund the difference.”

Of course, those same insurers were granted an enormous rate hike for 2012 (just like the one they were granted for 2011), so this probably won’t even feel this penalty. But we will.

Since I’m writing this on 11/18/11, a lot of the stories have become outdated. That’s why I won’t bring up the kidnapping of Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos in Venezuela (he has already been rescued) or Rick Perry’s spectacular brainfart at the 11/09 debate (though I will share this sentence from Geoff Earle and S.A. Miller: “But then co-moderator John Harwood asked weather [sic] Perry really couldn’t remember the third agency he planned to abolish.” and this sentence from Herman Cain which the audience applauded: “The American people deserve better than someone being tried in the court of public opinion.” I applauded, too, but only because I thought he was announcing that he was dropping out of the race.).

I will also skip over the numerous women coming forward with claims of being sexually harassed by Herman Cain (there’s a full page just on Karen Kraushaar today).

Andrea Peyser lashes out at “oldtimer columnist Jimmy Breslin” for writing something about Occupy Wall Street that didn’t accuse every participant of being a rapist and/or a trustifarian.

Fun Fact: Mandrea is also an oldtimer columnist.

Page Six is on pages 12 and 13 today.

You cannot park & $lide: No more tix break for waiving trial, the EXCLUSIVE by Sally Goldenberg, reports “The city Department of Finance is axing a program that offers reduced parking-ticket fines for motorists who agree not to fight their summons in court… Finance Commissioner David Frankel said scrapping the program as of Jan. 30 could save the city roughly $50 million a year.”

Or it will cost the city additional money because more people will contest their tickets, requiring more police officers to spend hours in court. I guess we’ll find out in a few months.

Cindy Adams writes (or dictates to a horrified assistant): “The Kremlin warned the White House not to launch airstrikes against Iran. ‘Not to worry,’ Obama people told Putin people. ‘We’ve consulted Enron advisers and instead of bombing Iran, we’re thinking of shredding them.’”

Get. In. The. Box.

“A Manhattan jury says it can’t agree on a felony-assault verdict for a muscle-bound electrician [Oscar Fuller] who allegedly punched a woman [Lana Rosas] into a coma during an argument over an East Village parking spot earlier this year.”

The American justice system is irreparably broken.

John Podhoretz’s Deadly ‘Oops’ That Doomed Rick Perry calls Perry’s verbal misstep “the most embarrassing single televised minute any important American politician has ever inflicted upon himself.” Johnny sure does love his hyperbole.

I will also be limiting my coverage of the Post’s coverage of Occupy Wall Street (at least until I’m caught up). But it’s worth noting that the editorial Occupy a Place of Honor references “the self-obsessed slackers of Occupy Wall Street” and chastises them for not honoring the veterans on Veterans Day (which hadn’t yet occurred when the editorial was written). They are also refers to as “always obnoxious” and pretentious.

Fun Fact: A large number of veterans — including Oakland’s Scott Olsen — are members of the various Occupy movements across the country.

If the Post truly wanted to honor our nation’s veterans, they would have stopped insulting them for 24 hours. But they don’t.

Milford, Connecticut’s Paul Izzo writes in to say, “[Andy] Rooney, more than President Obama and Nancy Pelosi, did a great deal to make America despise the self-indulgent ‘me, me, me’ whining of liberals. Rooney was a talentless, liberal drone with nothing to say. Good riddance.”

Wow.

Kyle Smith’s Hollywood’s Beloved F-Word comes to Brett Ratner’s defense. Smith contends that Ratner’s “rehearsal is for fags” comment is not nearly as bad as a character in Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris referring to “Republican Tea Party crypto-fascist airhead zombies.”

Wow.

And that’s the rest of Thursday.

More to come…

Last night I worked a 13½-hour shift and went right to sleep when I got home. Now I am (and have a) super behind. Additionally, the F train is not stopping at our station this weekend, so getting to and from tonight’s show will be even more time-consuming than usual. But I will try to get through as much of these horrible newspapers as I can over the next two days, starting with…

I’m not sure who came up with the follow-up headline HE JUST CAIN’T REMEMBER HER: Herman says no way he harassed No. 4, but Kate Sheehy, Geoff Earle and S.A. Miller’s piece informs us that Cain remained defiant (at yesterday’s press conference) “even though he acknowledged that ‘there will probably be others’ coming forward to accuse him, fueled by his political enemies.”

The article also features not only what might be my favorite sentence about Herman Cain of all time (“Cain acknowledged that there’s a ‘remote’ possibility that his memory could just be failing him, but he doubted it.”), but also my new favorite Herman Cain quote (“Sexual harassment is a very serious charge. Yes, I have seen instances… and if I saw it… I dealt with it immediately. [But] it’s not just men who harass women. I also have seen situations where women sexually harass men.”).

Cain’s explanation of the alleged sexual harassment that accuser #4 (Karen Kraushaar, 55) is accusing him of is a close second (“One day in my office at the NRA, I was standing next to Ms. Kraushaar, and I gestured… [and said], ‘You’re the same height as my wife,’ because my wife came up to my chin.’”).

And, in the last four paragraphs of the 41-paragraph article, we learn about Donna Donella, 40, of Arlington, Virginia. (aka Accuser #5).

Kate Sheehy also tells us about two women (one of whom Andrea Peyser recently cited anonymously) who have come forward to discredit Sharon Bialek — Chicagoan Amy Jacobson, who allegedly saw Bialek talking to Cain last month at a Tea Party rally (“It sort of looked flirtatious.”), and Mandrea’s source, Anna Alexander, 64, of Queens (“I got a phone call [from Bialek] one day. I thought she was calling to wish me happy birthday. She was sobbing and crying that she was going to lose her apartment. She said, ‘Please help me out’… She said, ‘I will give it to you when I have it. In the meantime, go on welfare.’”).

The Post is treating the allegations leveled by these two women against Bialek as far more credible than the allegations being made by the two three four five women against Cain.

Correction

“The Post incorrectly reported that bettors pumped $15 million into the slot machines and electronic table games [at the Aqueduct racino]. The correct figure was $177.85 million.”

I had really high hopes for MTA finally gets it: ‘Patience’ wears thin, until I read it. It isn’t about the MTA making the trains run more frequently — it’s about how the end of their announcements have been changed from “Please be patient” to “Thank you for your patience.”

“‘How patient can I be?’ griped Deborah Draughton, 47, of Queens. Considering that her regular route — the problem-plagued F line — recently underwent substantial construction, she pointed out, ‘We’re already patient as it is.’” Actually, the substantial construction starts on Monday. Good try, though, Julia Marsh and Jennifer Fermino.

“Joshua Echevarria, 19, a Brooklyn subway rider, noticed the change on the M train recently. He shrugged it off. ‘At the end of the day, “we apologize, sorry for the inconvenience” doesn’t make a difference,’ he said. ‘If we’re late, we’re late.’” Amen, brother.

Candy Spelling, widow of Aaron and mother of Tori, won $90,000 in a single slot machine pull in Las Vegas. Three years ago, she won a $180,000 slots jackpot. The year before, she won a $200,000 slots jackpot. She also won a Toyota Prius in a charity raffle in 2007.

“She recently sold her 123-bedroom Los Angeles mansion for the bargain-basement price of about $85 million. That was reportedly $65 million below her original asking price.”

She’s very wealthy, even if you don’t count all of the money she made as singer/songwriter Paul Williams.

Post Wire Services is credited with the eight-sentence Ohio union victory, about the state’s rejection yesterday of Gov. John Kasich’s recent anti-union law (Kasich, a Republican, isn’t mentioned anywhere in the article).

Sentence #2: “The legislation, which would have allowed the more than 350,000 workers to bargain on their wages, would have banned ther right to strike, and eliminated binding arbitration or promotions based solely on seniority.”

Sentence #5: “Labor and business interests poured more than $30 million total into yesterday’s referendum.”

Sentence #8: “Also in Mississippi, voters rejected a referendum asking that life be defined as beginning at conception.”

This is a terrible newspaper.

There’s a lot about Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky and Penn State, but the only thing I want to share with you from Tim Bontemps and Leonard Greene’s A tragic end of the ‘Lion’ as Penn State gets set to sack Coach Paterno is this: “The backlash against Paterno has been mounting like an aggressive pass rush ever since child sex-abuse charges were leveled last week against Sandusky.” See what they did there?

Mike Vaccaro’s Sad flicker from beacon of integrity is less flippant and more heartfelt (albeit mildly confusing). “But even for Joe Paterno, there is a difference between what is legal and what is right… Penn State is a marvelous university. It has clearly tried to do what is proper across the decades. But it is no more infallible in its own world than the Catholic Church is in its world. I was raised in a parish ransacked by a rogue priest; I was subjected to many days and nights of inappropriate behavior, spared the worst of it by a saying the nuns would drill into us: There but for the grace of God go I. Others were not so fortunate.”

So… Vaccaro knew there was a priest molesting his peers, but he wasn’t molested because the nuns said “there but for the grace of God go I” to him a lot? Am I missing something?

Vaccaro doesn’t mention what happened to that priest — or if he ever reported the sexual abuses that “others” were subjected to. But he does spend an entire page shaming the various Penn State officials for not reporting Sandusky’s actions.

In Cain’s ‘time’ bomb, Michael Goodwin writes, “Polls showing that Herman Cain hasn’t lost much support over allegations of sexual harassment remind of the story of the man who jumps off a 40-story building. As he passes the 20th floor on the way down, he’s heard saying, ‘So far, so good.’ Be patient. It takes time, as much as two weeks, for most events to work their way through the political bloodstream. Ordinary voters don’t pay rapt attention to the daily drip of campaign drama the way pros and pundits do… Herman Cain, despite the denials, is about to hit bottom.”

Let’s see where Cain is in the polls on November 23rd.

Page Six (today on pages 12, 13 and 14) reports that Jennifer Aniston now has an “incredible bosom” and is probably pregnant (by Justin Theroux). But she recently told Hello! that “she was neither engaged nor pregnant. She explained: ‘It’s just I quit smoking, so I’ve gained a couple of pounds.’” Congratulations to Jennifer for whichever part(s) of that story isn’t a lie.

And in Oscars fire Ratner, Page Six reports that “director Brett Ratner was last night dramatically fired as producer of the Oscars after making bizarre remarks including, ‘Rehearsal is for fags.’” Five sentences later: “The Academy said in a statement: ‘[Ratner] did the right thing for the Academy [by resigning].’” I guess Oscars fire Ratner by accepting his resignation was too long for headline.

Finally, Elliott Gould talked about his friendship with Groucho Marx after a recent screening of California Split. “I once changed a light bulb over his bed, and he told me, ‘That’s the best performance I’ve ever seen you give.’ I said, ‘Well, that’s the best review I ever got.’” Neither man was kidding.

Cindy Adams writes, “Although Leonardo da Vinci passed away weeks ago, he’s returning. Coming is a film about his youth.” I wonder if Cindy will play herself.

B’also? “Question: A lifesaving paramedic makes $30,000 a year. A slam-dunk basketballer earns $20 mil. What’s wrong with this picture?” That you’re still alive?

B’also’also? “Murray Kellman sent [this query]: ‘Why drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?’” And Steven Wright’s attorney is sending him a cease-and-desist letter.

Heavy D (real name: Dwight Arrington Myers) passed away at the age of 44.

He will be remembered and then missed.

“The Obama administration cautiously offered up more areas in the Gulf of Mexico and off Alaska’s coast to oil and gas drilling yesterday. But the proposal didn’t go far enough to satisfy Republicans.”

Really? That’s so weird.

“A hulking, beer-guzzling rugby jock suffered a stroke in a freak training accident — and woke up gay. Chris Birch was a straight, 266-pound Welsh bank worker who liked sports, girls and booze and was engaged to his girlfriend before the lifestyle-changing event. Now he’s a 154-pound hairdresser who bleaches his tresses and lives with his 19-year-old boyfriend above his salon.”

Before:

After:

Fabulous.

Jennifer Fermino’s DA: No spit, Sherlock! claims, “Law enforcement is mulling a plan to use DNA samples to prosecute expectorating hotheads who hock loogies on transit workers.” I guess I’d better stop.

“From the beginning of the year through October, 145 bus and subway workers were spit on, officials said.” Maybe a better (and cheaper) way to make the number of (alleged) salivacides go down is to not award the (alleged) victims six months of paid leave (or to not give people numerous valid reasons to spit on MTA workers).

Over on page 32, you’ll find Kate Sheehy’s tiny article A win for BamCare.

“The conservative-leaning US Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia upheld a lower-court ruling that defended President Obama’s universal-health-care package as constitutional, despite the fact that the law will force all Americans to buy insurance or pay a penalty… A lawsuit brought by Pat Robertson’s American Center for Law and Justice contends not only that Americans should not be forced to buy health insurance, but also that Obamacare [sic] discriminates against those whose religious beliefs are anti-medicine.”

I’d forgotten how stupid Pat Robertson’s followers are.

Danny Gold’s Thief nailed at Zuccotti reports that “a raging lunatic” was caught stealing money from “a plumber who was taking up a collection for himself and 9/11 first responders” who knocked him unconsciousness. “When he regained consciousness, cops escorted him several blocks away but did not arrest him. Several protesters said the man has been harassing them for days.”

And people wonder why the Occupy Wall Street protesters don’t report more crimes to the NYPD.

(but only really stupid people)

John Podhoretz spends most of A Pack of Scandal Addicts: Media’s insane Cain obsession reprimanding the media for spending so much time on the sexual-harassment allegations against Herman Cain (as Bart Simpson once said, “The ironing is delicious.”). He also explains Twitter: “You can’t underestimate the attraction of Twitter to people like me who’ll always wonder whether we should have tried stand-up comedy earlier in our careers. A Tweet [sic] is basically a one-liner. ‘Take my wife — please’ was a Tweet [sic] half a century before Twitter’s creators were even born.”

John? I recommend trying stand-up much later in your career. Much, much later.

“Now you can add bigoted comments to the list of challenges facing Carsten Kengeter, the head of UBS’s investment banking operation… At the dinner with banking heads of several divisions inside the embattled bank, held to discuss strategy and rally the troops, Kengeter, 44, implored the bankers to make a more concerted effort to streamline the firm and likened the strategy to slashing expenses like a ‘Jewish shopkeeper.’”

Fun Fact: Kengeter was born in Germany, as were negative Jewish stereotypes.

MOVIE REVIEW!

Lou Lumenick gives three and a half stars to J. Edgar (“Clint and Leo ‘a dress’ the rumors in fascinating biopic”).

In honor of Kim Kardashian and Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband’s 72-day marriage, Michael Riedel writes about Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine’s 38-day marriage. Borgnine claims that during their honeymoon in the Far East, Merman “was furious that, while everyone recognized [Borgnine], nobody knew her. She had her revenge by refusing to give him some of her Kaopectate when he had diarrhea.”

“In Merman’s memoir, there’s a chapter titled ‘My Marriage to Ernest Borgnine.’ It’s followed by a blank page.”

But they looked so happy together!

“Dancing With the Stars host Tom Bergeron believes the dance show ought to pare back its schedule to one season per year from two.”

I think that’s a good start.

“Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, the stars of TLC’s popular 19 Kids and Counting, are expecting one more bundle of joy.”

In all seriousness, someone needs to solder that woman’s vagina closed.

And that’s Wednesday.

And now, I’m off to wait for the bus I have to take to get to the bus I have to take to get to the train to Manhattan.

I hate the MTA.

Let’s start with the story on the bottom. Dr. Conrad Murray was convicted of involuntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. “And with LA County’s jail system already bursting at the seams, Murray could end up with a wrist slap. For example, a three-year sentence might amount to less than six real months behind bars, several legal analysts said.”

E-he.

As for the other cover story, Sharon Bialek has come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexually harassing assaulting her in 1997. According to Reuven Fenton, Geoff Earle and Kate Sheehy’s HERM MADE ME SQUIRM: Accuser No. 4 levels Cain grope claim, “[Bialek] got to know Cain at the NRA Convention in Chicago about a month before her firing… When she lost her job, Bialek said, her then-boyfriend, a pediatrician, suggested asking Cain for help. Bialek said she and Cain arranged to meet in Washington.”

Long story short, he upgraded her hotel room to a suite, had drinks with her in the hotel, took her out to dinner and then drove her to the NRA offices. Here’s what the Post says: “‘At that time I had on a black pleated skirt, a suit jacket and a blouse,’ she said. That’s when Cain began groping her, Bialek said. ‘I asked him to stop, and he did.’”

Now here’s Bialek’s actual statement — with the stuff that the Post edited out: “At that time I had on a black pleated skirt, a suit jacket and a blouse. He had on a suit with his shirt open. But instead of going into the offices, he suddenly reached over and he put his hand on my leg under my skirt and reached for my genitals. He also grabbed my head and brought it toward his crotch. I was very, very surprised and very shocked. I said: ‘What are you doing? You know I have a boyfriend. This isn’t what I came here for.’ Mr. Cain said, ‘You want a job, right?’ I asked him to stop and he did.”

How odd that the Post didn’t think those details were relevant to the story. Here’s what they think is relevant: “But [Bialek's] lawyer [Gloria Allred] bristled when The Post later asked about reports that Bialek may suffer from depression and is broke.”

At the very end of the article, the authors note that Bialek is “a registered Republican who has a 13-year-old son and is engaged, said she has no plans to sue and that she never filed a harassment complaint with the NRA because she wasn’t working there at the time.”

Gee… Bialek isn’t suing, hasn’t tried to sell her story, and says she came forward only to support Cain’s other accusers? I wonder what Andrea Peyser thinks about that. Oh, look. She’s written a piece on Bialek that takes up more than half of page 8. It’s called Jobless & shameless gal going for gold. It begins, “Gold diggers — unite! Sharon Bialek is 50, out of work and, according to one who knows her, she’s a smooth operator living way above her means. From the look of her heavily painted face, she’s also soon to be in acute need of a new tub of eyeliner. Enter Herman Cain.”

I always smile whenever this woman:

[JEDITOR'S NOTE: this used to be a photo of Mandrea's radiant outer ugliness, but the man who took it asked me to remove it. You are all in his debt.]

…says insulting things about the looks of women who are more attractive than she is. Peyser really and truly hates women. All of them. Here’s a picture of Bialek from her press conference.

Good call on the eyeliner, Mandrea. Bialek has waaaaaay too much on.

“Bialek pranced into the Friars Club yesterday with lawyer — who else? — Gloria Allred aboard patent-leather do-me pumps. She proceeded to spill a dirty little secret she claims to have harbored these last 14 years — presidential front-runner and fellow Republican Herman Cain made a pass at my junk!”

She pranced, she wore “do-me pumps” and screamed that Cain made a pass at her junk. Peyser is like an autistic Sherlock Holmes.

“She [accused Cain] with the breathy giddiness of a gal who’s read too many bodice-rippers. Bialek, who had her bleached-blond hair set in waves for the occasion, recounted with a broad grin the night back in 1997 when she flirted like a tart with the ‘inspirational’ Mr. Cain.” She once called him inspirational! Ipso facto, she wanted him to force her into blowing him! And she bleaches her hair — even her hair is a lie!

“On the advice of her ‘boyfriend,’ she proceeded to stalk Cain to Washington, ostensibly to hit him up for a job.” Actually, she spoke to Cain and he asked her to meet him in Washington. Wait… is that what stalking means? No wonder Silk Stalkings got canceled after only eight seasons!

“Then, said Bialek, Cain, who she remembers wore a suit jacket, no tie — I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast — drove her to the offices of the National Restaurant Association, which, as far as I know, were closed for the night. In the car, she said, he went caveman.”

1) Were you sexually assaulted while you ate breakfast, Mandrea? If not, I can understand why you aren’t constantly reliving in your mind every detail of your morning meal.

2) Cain was the president of the NRA at the time. If the offices were closed, I’m fairly certain he had a key.

3) Calling Cain a caveman is racist.

“Now, I love a good romantic farce as much as the next bored housewife. But the question remains: Why sit on this seeming sexual assault for 14 years?” Asked and answered, dummy. She wouldn’t have ever come forward if not for the way Cain was dismissing the other women’s accusations and insisting he’d never act that way. Did you even watch the press conference?

“According to someone who knows Bialek: ‘She has a very infectious personality. It’s easy to see how she won [Cain] over. But the reality of her situation is — she’s a complete gold digger. It’s all about the money… This is a lady who lives off the system. She is hellbent on finding a way of never having to work and living the lifestyle she wants to live, a very affluent lifestyle. In my next life, I want to come back as her.’”

What a great friend this (alleged) person is!

“The sad part is that Bialek has a 13-year-old son who must live with the shame and media scrutiny.” Says the shrew who has spent the rest of her column ridiculing his mother as a tramp and a liar.

“The last decade and change haven’t been so good. Bialek is unemployed, has a son. Her boyfriend’s long gone.” She’s engaged, you idiot! And you know where I learned that? From the article next to yours!

But I can understand why you’re a little frazzled, Andrea. After all, it must be hard being married to a man who might be the most violent pedophile in our nation’s history.

“[In Paris], armed French bandits stole more than $1 million worth of copies of the new blockbuster first-person shooter Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.”

That gives me a great idea for a video game… the most meta video game ever…

I found a video of Anatoly Moskvin’s apartment in Nizhny Novgorod. He dug up the corpses of 29 women (between the ages of 15 and 25), dressed them up like dolls and kept them on display.

I shan’t be posting that video.

You’re welcome.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), Hugh Hefner didn’t like the photos of Lindsay Lohan from her Playboy shoot — he wanted them to be less Kate Moss and more Marilyn Monroe. So she did a re-shoot.

“This weekend, Lohan was accompanied by lawyers, agents and publicists who, sources said, ‘gave their two cents about what was considered “nude” and what was not.’ Sources said Lohan ended up delivering the Monroe-inspired images Hefner wanted.”

Lindsay as Marilyn? What a completely original idea, Hef!

“She’s expected to appear nude, but ’strategically covered up’ in certain shots.”

It’ll be just like watching The Spice Channel!

Cindy Adams still isn’t dead.

“Egyptian embalmer wrapping King Tut for another exhibition: ‘Out of gauze. How do we feel about Scotch tape?’” (rimshot)

“New Japanese restaurant Kobeyaki. Man requests a takeout menu. In this modern world, he’s told: ‘Sorry. We have none to give you — but it’s on the Internet.’” (gunshot)

Laurel Babcok (who is probably actually Laurel Babcock) and Lorena Mongelli have an update on that severed baby’s foot that was found in Queens: “[The medical examiner] yesterday determined it was actually a bear’s claw.” Their follow-up is three sentences long. Reuven Fenton’s original piece was 18 paragraphs.

Only in the New York Post, kids, only in the New York Post.

“An Italian art historian has discovered the profile of a smiling devil — complete with horns and a hooked nose — hidden among the clouds in a fresco by famed painter Giotto that’s located in the Basilica of St. Francis of Assisi.”

Um… since when is “a hooked nose” a sign of the Devil? Do I have to call Abe Foxman?

B’also? It looks like the top half of the face is positioned behind a bare ass.

Rich Lowry ’s Why America No Longer Builds Big complains that Obama is taking way too much time to approve the Keystone XL pipeline (“the administration has been dragging TransCanada, the prospective builder of the pipeline, through a review process involving about a dozen agencies and a cast of thousands”). Whines Lowry, “Keystone XL already meets every possible standard. Obama wants ’shovel ready’ jobs… Building Keystone XL will create thousands of construction jobs.”

Ah, but how many thousands, Rich? Is it the 20,000 TransCanada originally claimed? Or is it the amended 6,500 that they now insist it will create? And what about the 250,000 total jobs that the pipeline would create — you know, the figure that included “dancers, choreographers and speech therapists”?

For some reporting on the pipeline from someone who isn’t an idiot, try the incredibly radical left-wing National Catholic Reporter.

Michael Tanner writes, “It has become fashionable to ridicule the idea of the rich as ‘job creators,’ but if the rich don’t create jobs, who will? How many workers have been hired recently by the poor?”

I don’t know, Mike. But I do know that the Koch Brothers have fired tens of thousands more people than the poor. People aren’t ridiculing the idea that the rich can create more jobs, its that they aren’t (despite the GOP constantly referring to them as job creators).

The editorial ‘Occupy’ Goes Big-Tent claims the Occupy Wall Street protesters are now afraid of each other. “And they’re certainly right to fear one another: Sexual attacks and other crimes have become daily sport at Zuccotti, as Candace Giove reported in Sunday’s Post.” Actually, her name is Candice Giove. And speaking of Ms. Giove, my wife made a very astute observation about the photo of her in front of her tent:

You know what you won’t find on the ground in Zuccotti Park? Parking lines. Did this poor excuse for a journalist stage this photo? Anyway, please continue.

“As we said last week, this fiasco has gone on long enough. The city has a right — indeed, a duty — to shut it down. It’s long past time it does so.”

As you said last week, and the week before, and yesterday, and Sunday…

Frank J. Fleming’s It’s Media Love — Not Bias satirically argues that “the media’s double standard” (against conservatives and for liberals) is actually tough love! Get it?

“Would the Tea Party be better off if it were allowed to be violent and destructive? Of course not.” Do you see what he did there? Do you? He’s saying that OWS is violent and destructive and no one in the media is criticizing them! Satire-riffic!

I cannot wait for Frank’s e-book (Not Worth the Paper It’s Not Printed On*)!

* I may have gotten the title wrong.

Alana Goodman’s All the Paranoia That’s Fit To Print criticizes The New York Times for running an editorial that suggested that the GOP is “committed to doing nothing in the hopes that the failing economy will cost President Obama his job in 2012.” Retorts Goodman, “The notion isn’t just cynical, it’s paranoid.”

Cynical, paranoid, and true.

I would like to commend the Post for their two-page obituary for Joe Frazier. Not using the headline DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER! was an unexpectedly classy move.

Rest in peace, Smokin’ Joe.

And that’s… today!

I’m all caught up — just in time to fall behind again. I’ll be working 12-hour shifts for the next three days, but I’ll post what I can when I can.

Have a great week!

The Post continues to besmirch every aspect of Occupy Wall Street. ZUCCOTTI PARK’S BIG TOP: Gals-only structure set up to guard against pervs perfectly illustrates the damned-if-they-do-and-damned-if-they-don’t position the Post has put OWS in. First they claim the protesters allow sexual assaults in the park, then they mock them for doing something about it.

“Some of the male OWS protesters remained in denial over the growing number of sex attacks. ‘Sexual harassment gets called rape, and it’s not,’ one scoffed when told of the women’s tent. ‘There’s no way that it’s happening as much as people are saying it has. It’s just word spreading and getting misunderstood.’”

How come when a protester says that sexual harassment gets exaggerated he’s scoffing, but when Herman Cain says it he’s heroically fighting against a racist, liberal media smear campaign?

“Yesterday, former Mayor 9iu11ani said President Obama must take responsibility for the ‘very dangerous’ OWS movement. ‘Barack Obama owns the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement; it would not have happened but for his class warfare, 9iu11ani told the conservative Americans for Prosperity Foundation summit in DC.”

In case you forgot, the AFP was founded by the Koch Brothers. And they are two of the only Americans that the foundation wants to make more prosperous.

Other OWS articles include Todd Venezia’s $kinning fat cat Moore, which begins, “Gasbag Michael Moore went ballistic yesterday after a reporter asked him if he was really among the hated richest ‘1 percent’ of Americans during an Occupy Denver event.” That reporter is Evrod Cassimy. Here’s a photo:

Sexy.

“Moore had just finished railing against greedy rich people to a group of Occupy Denver protesters — while also showing some corporate-style synergy during his Denver visit by holding a signing to promote his new book, according to CBS.”

You know who else is currently on a book-signing tour?

Rebecca Harshbarger and Helen Freund’s Camper’s Mac attack reports that “a Zuccotti Park protester threw a violent fit in a McDonald’s yesterday after employees refused to give him free food. Fisika Bezabeh, 27, ripped a credit-card reader from a counter and threw it at workers at about 2:30 a.m. at the Mickey D’s at 160 Broadway, a bathroom spot for protesters.”

I like how a homeless person goes crazy in a McDonald’s near Zuccotti Park and he’s automatically an OWS protester.

Don’t forget to do nothing while your phones and computers set themselves back an hour for Daylight Savings Time.

“Mayor Bloomberg spent more campaign funds in 2011 than any candidate in New York — and he’s not even running for office.”

Yet.

“A United Express pilot convicted of flying while drunk will serve six months in prison.”

Maybe if the consequences were more dire, there wouldn’t be so many pilots flying drunk?

“A Bronx man [Karriem Barrow] was convicted yesterday in White Plains federal court of robbing a Bronx restaurant and seven suburban banks at the beginning of last year.”

He now faces… “a minimum of 200 years in prison.”

But when banks steal money from us, they don’t even get charged.

“ABC/Washington Post poll taken after the Herman Cain scandal broke shows he’s jumped 7 points among GOP voters in the past month.”

What else can he do to boost his support? He’s already said he’d force victims of rape and/or incest to carry their babies to term, he’s against homosexuals doing pretty much anything… maybe he can murder an illegal immigrant with his bare hands?

“‘I have attracted a little attention,’ [Cain] joke, in a defiant speech in Washington to a Tea Party-affiliated group Americans for Prosperity… Cain went on to pitch his 9-9-9 tax plan and called for an ‘attitude adjustment’ at the Environmental Protection Agency, drawing a big response from the crowd.”

Of course! Bashing the EPA! That ought to help him widen his lead.

According to Page Six (today on page 10), Lindsay Lohan “crashed the party for Leonardo DiCaprio’s movie J. Edgar‘ and made such a scene she made A-list attendees uncomfortable’… Lohan has to turn herself in to jail by Wednesday to serve a 30-day sentence. But this didn’t stop her from turning up at the Hollywood Roosevelt with her hair and makeup still done up from her earlier Playboy shoot.”

I’m really going to miss her.

Former Gov. Jesse Ventura has vowed that he’ll “never stand for the national anthem again” and will “spend more time in his beloved Mexico” after a judge ruled that his airport-security lawsuit (which he filed against the government, alleging that airport scans and patdowns constitute unreasonable search and seizure) should have been filed in appeals court.

Ventura “said he has not decided whether to continue pressing the suit.”

My, what strong convictions you have, Jesse.

Todd Venezia writes today’s Weird BUT true sidebar. He tells the story of Rickie La Touche, who was recently convicted of killing his wife — because she smashed his collection of Star Wars action figures. Sadly, Todd got his name wrong (it isn’t “Rickie La-Touche”).

There’s also the story of a man in Alabama (Montigo Arrington) who updated his Facebook status to “Has any 1 else eva thought bout strappin a bomb on n walk n a police department n blowin da [expletive deleted] up?” Arrington was on probation at the time, so the police went to his home and discovered a stash of kiddie porn. Todd almost makes a joke in the first sentence of this three-sentence piece: “Here’s a good way to turn to Facebook status to ‘jailed.’” Todd’s really good at his job.

Bonus Points: I found a picture of Montigo:

And ladies? He’s single…

Daniel Freedman’s Patron Devil of ‘Occupy’ is all about Guy Fawkes. It even includes a photo of OWS protesters wearing Guy Fawkes masks. Oddly, there’s a word that doesn’t appear anywhere in the entire half-page op-ed: Anonymous.

Is it possible that Freedman forgot that Anonymous popularized the use of the Guy Fawkes masks long before OWS started? But why would he forget? I know of no reason why the hacker group’s fashion should ever be forgot.

Happy Guy Fawkes’ Day!

Brooklyn’s George Najarian writes in about Kim Kardashian divorce from whoever she was married to (Kris something?). “When I heard about the impending divorce, I became so upset that I ran into my kitchen and stuck my head into the oven. I even lost a bet with a friend when I said the marriage wouldn’t last longer than two weeks.” I love it when sarcasm contradicts itself.

But Sydney, Australia’s Jane Wallace sides with Kim (and loose women in general). “My grandmother used to say that men came good at Christmas and went bad at Easter. Christmas to Easter is about 72 days. Now Kardashian lives by my grandmother’s old wives’ tale. She was married for 72 days and now wants a divorce. That’s long enough to put up with any man. Why should any woman waste herself on just one man per year when she could have four men per year?” Um… love?

Bill O’Reilly’s The Measure of Experience claims that “a new Quinnipiac survey [asked]: ‘Does the fact that Herman Cain never served in public office make you more likely to vote for him for president, less likely to vote for him for president, or doesn’t it make a difference?’ Well, 43 percent said it doesn’t make a difference, 41 percent would be less likely to vote for Cain, and just 14 percent would be more likely to support him. The takeaway from this poll is that close to 60 percent of Americans don’t believe any political experience is necessary in order to run the country.”

Actually, Bill, 14% of the respondents said Cain’s lack of experience makes them more likely to vote for him, 43% said his lack of experience doesn’t affect their intention to vote (or not vote) for him, and 41% said his lack of experience would make them less likely to vote for him. The true takeaway from this poll, then, is that you aren’t very good at interpreting poll results.

Linda 3Starsi reviews Lifetime’s The Pastor’s Wife.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Saturday.

More to come…

The two pages of follow-up (GOONS OCCUPY BRAWL STREET) tell the story of a “deranged homeless man” going “on a violent, early-morning rampage yesterday.”

“The only thing that could stop Jeremy Clinch from his Godzilla-like rampage was a left hook delivered by a paranoid fellow protester who claimed to be an ex-Turkish diplomat — and charged that his assailant was carrying out a plot hatched by Mayor Bloomberg.”

“It was just the type of increasingly violent incident that has downtown residents — already bombarded by megaphones, incessant drumming, graffiti and public urination — feeling on edge as the OWS takeover of Zuccotti Park enters its third month.”

Isn’t it amazing that Kevin Fasick (or KEVINFASICK as the byline reads) was there at just the right time to videotape the fight (it’s on the Post’s Web site)? Saki Knafo thinks not. Read his rebuttal here.

Todd Venezia, Danny Gold and Carl Campanile join forces to write Mama’s boys on the rise, which begins, “Forget about ‘Go west, young man’ — today the battle cry for the younger generation is ‘Move back in with Mama!’”

“The epidemic of mama’s boys has struck both New York City and the country as a whole, as the terrible economy and massive unemployment have forced grown men back into their childhood bedrooms.”

I blame gay marriage.

Andy Soltis finally gets around to reporting on Occupy Oakland — can you guess what he focuses on? The headline offers a strong hint: Pressure cooker pops in Oakland. It begins, “More than 80 Occupy Oakland protesters were arrested yesterday after a peaceful rally turned into a violent postmidnight [sic] clash between police and masked, fire-setting, concrete-tossing vandals.”

“Hundreds of police officers flooded the area, two blocks from an Occupy encampment and fired tear-gas and deafening ‘flash bang’ grenades.”

The 16th paragraph (of 19): “Police were almost invisible during most of Wednesday as crowds of up to 7,000 people marched and rallied in what was described as a general strike.”

Thanks for the condescending acknowledgement, Andy!

Kevin Fasick is back (with Bob Fredericks) for more anti-OWS fun on page 7 with SACHS AND SEX ADD TO INSANITY.

“It’s gone from simple chaos to sheer madness. The violence and depravity continued to mount at the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, as cops busted 16 people for blocking the entrance to Goldman Sachs and an Alabama woman came forward to report another sick sex attack at Zuccotti Park.”

If you are a woman who say someone sexually harassed you in Zuccotti Park, the Post will champion you. But if you say you were sexually harassed by Herman Cain, you’re a liar and proof that liberals are racists.

Speaking of which…

“[Cain's chief of staff Mark] Block said he wants to ‘move on’ with the campaign, adding, ‘Let’s get over these things that don’t mean anything to the American public.”

“Cain kept up his defiant stance yesterday in a Daily Caller interview with Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. ‘That is the DC culture: guilty until proven innocent,’ Cain vented.”

Cain, who says he refuses to play the race card (despite insisting that all opposition to his 9-9-9 plan and all accusations of sexual harassment are based in racism), decided to sit down for an interview with the wife of Clarence Thomas — who called his confirmation hearings “a high-tech lynching for uppity Blacks.” Let’s watch Thomas say that in an ad for Herman Cain (who refuses to play the race card):

91-year-old Coney Island Bialys and Bagels was going to go out of business, but it was saved by… “Muslim businessmen Peerzada Shah and Zafaryab Ali.”

Muslims? Running a kosher bagelry? Now I’ve seen everything!

“LA Dr. Gregg Homer has conjured up a new procedure that uses a laser to permanently change brown eyes into blue ones — and has even started testing on human subjects.”

He said he got the idea from Josef Mengele.

“A brave Brooklyn woman stared down the man who allegedly raped her, as the alleged attacker, acting as his own lawyer, sat in court at his rape trial yesterday. Adam Wright is charged with raping the woman in the elevator room on the roof of her Canarsie apartment building in 2002 — when she was 12 years old… The woman testified for the prosecution yesterday and is expected to face Wright’s cross-examination today.”

There ought to be a law against that.

“Country singer Keith Urban said yesterday he’ll undergo throat surgery to remove a polyp on his vocal chords.”

That’s what he’s telling people but, really, he just needs a break from constantly denying that his wife’s plastic surgery is horrible.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), “Richie Sambora last night confirmed that he and Denise Richards have rekindled their romance.”

I wish them both the best during the next two to four months.

Today, Cindy Adams complains about holidays and hotels.

“Why’s a hanger clamped in? Who ever stole a hanger? That’s like locking a toilet. You know anyone ever stole a piece of poop?” Die.

“I’m hearing more holidays may be coming down: In 1930, Herbert Hoover stubbed his toe, shouted ‘Dam’ and they built one. Shouldn’t that be remembered? People ran for tickets when Powerball lottery hit more than $200 mil, although winning chances were 80 million-to-1. Same odds as Jennifer Lopez giving birth to Richard Simmons’ love child. Shouldn’t such a moment be enshrined?”

Four people are credited with GIVING UP THE ‘BIEBY’: ‘Justin’ vixen mulled adoption. They could have really used a fifth.

“‘She didn’t know if she was going to keep him,’ Samra Fae Stepper told The Post at her Fredericksburg, Va., home… ‘We kept asking about the father, but I didn’t press it,’ said Stepper, whose brother Anthony Simeonoff is Yeater’s stepdad.”

Fascinating.

There’s yet still more OWS-bashing from Rich Lowry on page 31 (It’ll Only Get Uglier: ‘Occupy’ primed for violence).

“It’s become clear during the past few weeks that there is a lawlessness at the heart of Occupy Wall Street. It has created little ungoverned spaces in cities around the country, into which homeless people, addicts and criminals have flowed.”

“Mere protests probably won’t satisfy the movement, though. It is a self-styled ‘occupation,’ which inherently involves taking what is not yours. It’s already ugly and will probably get more so.”

Actually, the movement is about taking back what was stolen from us. But we’ve established that you only write about current events — you rarely understand them.

And the rest of page 31 is devoted to Charles C.W. Cooke’s In New York, the Enablers Wake Up.

“There’s increasing concern that the authorities have made a rod for their own backs. ‘Are we seriously suggesting that if a jihadist or neo-Nazi group moved in, they’d have been indulged like this?’ one [community] board member asked pointedly.”

Occupy Wall Street ≠ jihadists. Occupy Wall Street ≠ neo-Nazis. And what the Hell does “made a rod for their own backs” mean?

The editorial Call the Cops, Mike is also about “the very real possibility that even greater OWS violence… will soon bubble up here.” But the Post offers a completely rational solution: “Send in the NYPD to lance the Zuccotti Park boil. Before it’s too late.”

Don’t mince words. Tell us how you really feel, terrible newspaper.

Manhattan’s Vivian Riffelmacher writes, “It’s time to send in the troops to clear out Tiananmen Square — I mean Zuccotti Park. We believe in freedom of speech and all that stuff, but protesters should never be such a nuisance.”

Um… Vivian? If Zuccotti Park is Tiananmen Square, does that mean the NYPD are anti-democracy?

Crude oil is back up to $94.07/barrel.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives three and a half stars to Tower Heist (“cunningly engineered”), three stars to Killing Bono (“a charming admixture [sic] of Goodfellas and Almost Famous“), and two and a half stars to Pianomania (“an enticing but flawed character study”).

Lou Lumenick gives one star to The Son of No One (“a laughable police melodrama… ineptly written and directed”), and three stars to both A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (“there are moments of brilliance”) and The Last Rites of Joe May (“Dennis Farina gives one of the best performances of the year”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to Young Goethe in Love (sex, violence) and three stars to Charlotte Rampling: The Look (nudity).

Linda 3Starsi reviews Logo’s Bad Sex.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Friday.