Posts Tagged ‘California’

This shirt is being sold in Walmart. In children’s sizes.

It says “NOTHING SAYS ‘I love you’ QUITE LIKE FISTING.”

And while it is technically true, I still think it’s inappropriate for children.

“Time’s up: The Zuccotti Park vagabonds have had their say — and trashed lower Manhattan — for long enough. They need to go. Be it voluntarily — by packing their tents and heading off in an orderly fashion. Or by having the NYPD step in — and evict them… But go they must: Their lease on Zuccotti Park has expired. And it’s their own fault. What began as a credible protest against bank bailouts, crony capitalism and the like has, in large measure, been hijacked by crazies and criminals.”

1) When did the Post ever refer to Occupy Wall Street as a credible protest? From the start, this terrible newspaper has ridiculed the protesters as dirty, stupid and/or wealthy Brooklynites (“trustifarians”) who think they’re being cool and/or alleviating the guilt they have for being wealthy.

2) The Post still hasn’t mentioned the numerous reports of the NYPD directing crazies and criminals to Zuccotti Park.

“No one has greater respect for the First Amendment than this paper.”

“And we certainly respect the right of Brookfield Properties, owner of the park, to permit the protests. But there comes a time when enough is enough… Sure, we understand the pressure the company’s been under — including, most shamefully, from cynical New York pols looking to cozy up to the heavily out-of-towner-based group, local radicals, and their manipulators in the labor unions seeking to capitalize on the ‘occupation.’”

“Brookfield wasn’t speaking yesterday. But surely, it wants the nightmare to end — even if it’s too frightened to say so.”

I like that the Post feels they can (surely) speak for Brookfield Properties.

B’also, am I right in thinking that the Post wouldn’t mind the protesters as much if they weren’t out-of-towners? If they were born-and-raised New Yorkers?

“Added the mayor, ‘Other people have rights, too, and I am very concerned about the other peoples’ rights, as well as those of the protesters.’ Spot on.”

Spot on? I can guarantee you that the person who wrote that wasn’t born anywhere in America, let alone New York.

“If they choose not to leave — which they probably won’t — then Bloomberg needs to instruct the NYPD to clean the mess up. Today wouldn’t be a day too soon.”

And that’s just the cover story. Pages 4 and 5 feature OTHER 99% FIRES BACK: Raging shop owners claim OWS scares away customers. In it, a jeweler blames the fact that his October sales in 2010 were double what they were this year entirely on OWS. It also contains this: “[Mayor Bloomberg] ordered cops to clear hundreds of metal barriers from Wall and Broad streets, and bluntly told the motley masses that their unruly antics were making life miserable for the people who live and work in the neighborhood. This isn’t an occupation of Wall Street. It’s an occupation of a growing, vibrant residential neighborhood in lower Manhattan, and it’s really hurting small businesses and families,’ Bloomberg fumed.”

I work across the street from Zuccotti Park. It is not a residential neighborhood.

“The complaints came a day after Marc Epstein, owner of the Milk Street Cafe on Wall Street, revealed that he was forced to lay off 21 workers after his business had plunged 30 percent since the protest began Sept. 17. After the barricades were removed, Epstein saw a ray of hope. ‘We’re so busy here — we haven’t been as busy as this in seven weeks,’ he said.”

But… but… the protesters are still in Zuccotti Park! How is it possible that Epstein’s business… unless… maybe the barricades that the NYPD put up were the real reason his business was down?

Bonus Points: Occupy Oakland — and the general strike they called for and got — gets the final sentence of the article — all nine words of it. “In Oakland, demonstrators shut down the city’s busy port.” Now that’s good journalism!

(this picture ran in The New York Times, who actually did some reporting on the strike)

“Tonye Iketubosin, 26, of Crown Heights, Brooklyn — who’s been working at the [OWS] protesters’ makeshift kitchen at Zuccotti Park since last month — was charged yesterday with sexual abuse in the groping an [sic] 18-year-old protester in the tent he helped her pitch on Oct. 24… The [victim] told cops about the pervy protester Tuesday night, telling officials she knew the man by sight… [Iketubosin] was apprehended soon afterward.”

But this must be the exception to the rule, as the Post continues to claim that the protesters refuse to tell the police about criminal activity in the park.

“Federal airport screeners find four or five handguns in people’s luggage every day, the head of the Transportation Security Administration revealed yesterday.”

Since we all know that the TSA finds only a fraction of the weapons people try to smuggle on planes, this makes me sad and afraid.

Fun Fact: The head of the TSA is… John Pistole.

Remember Lana Rosas? Maybe you remember her as Lana Rosa (the Post has a real problem with getting people’s names right)? She was punched by Oscar Fuller –over a parking spot on East 14th Street — so hard that she collapsed onto the pavement.

“The blow to the back of Rosas’ head caused so much swelling, doctors needed to remove a piece of skull from her forehead to relieve the pressure, according to testimony.”

The Post ran this photo of Rosas today:

And here’s the caption: “Lana Rosas, outside court yesterday, wears a helmet because part of her skull is being stored in her abdomen while she awaits reconstructive surgery.”

As for Mr. Fuller, his attorney announced yesterday that he is no loner pleading self-defense. “Instead, he will argue in closings slated for tomorrow that Fuller couldn’t have foreseen that his single punch would cause such a serious injury.”

Good luck with that, Oscar.

Pages 8 and 9 contain three stories. Each story is accompanied by SKANK #1, SKANK #2 or SKANK #3 in giant type.

SKANK #1 is Lindsay Lohan. ‘Jailed’ star nixed by nuns explains that Lindsay was sentenced to 30 days in jail yesterday and that nuns refused to let her perform her community service at their shelter (the Good Shepherd Center for Homeless Women) because they thought “she would be a bad example” t0 the women they serve.

Ha.

After her 30 days in jail (which I doubt will last more than 3 days), she’ll do another 424 hours of community service at the Los Angeles morgue. Well, she’ll be ordered to do it anyway.

SKANK #2 is Kim Kardashian. Kim’s ex: Gimme the rock reports that Kris Humphries wants the $2,000,000 engagement ring he gave to her back.

I don’t care either, but here are some things about the article that made me laugh:

1) The Post thought that most people wouldn’t know who the headline referred to if they went with Kris: Gimme the rock.

2) “‘It’d be the classy thing to return it, but she wouldn’t be out of form not [giving it back],’ said Daniel Post Senning, great-great-grandson of etiquette guru Emily Post.” I like to think that if Emily Post was still alive and the Post called her to comment on any aspect of Kim Kardashian’s wedding, she would yell “Eat a dick!” into the telephone and hang up.

3) “Kardashian said she didn’t want to undergo marriage counseling because ‘you have to listen to your intuition, and follow your heart.’” Also, E! passed on Kim & Kris: In Counselin’!

SKANK #3 is Mariah Yeater. BIEBER’S BABY BIMBO BLABBING reports that Yeater wants $12,000/month in child support from Justin Bieber. Candace Amos and Dan Mangan also report that Bieber’s reps called Yeater’s claims “‘malicious, defamatory and demonstrably false.’ [Bieber's] fanatical follower, meanwhile, used much more colorful language on Twitter.” He only has one follower on Twitter?

“As it turns out, because Bieber was — and remains — younger than California’s age of consent, Yeater’s claim of having sex with him when he was just 16 and she was 19 leaves her open to prosecution for statutory rape.” Don’t worry. After the DNA test, the DA will have no case against her.

Bonus Points: I looked in Google Images under “skank new york post” hoping to find the graphic they used for the “SKANK” headers. This was the first image that came up:

Page Six (today on pages 10 and 11) reports that Christine Quinn told a story about her grandmother yesterday at an event. Her grandmother was a passenger on the Titanic when it crashed. “When the boat was going down, most of the Catholics dropped to their knees and prayed, but my grandmother ran for it. She was one of the few survivors. She spoke to a priest about her guilt over it. He told her not to worry, because God knew she had figured out that you could run and pray at the same time.”

I look forward to voting for her.

According to S.A. Miller’s Third ’strike’ for Cain: New accuser surfaces — as he blames Perry, a third woman has come forward to say that Herman Cain sexually harassed her in the 1990s. But Herman Cain still refuses to discuss the allegations.

“[Cain] snapped at reporters hounding him in Washington. ‘Don’t even bother asking me all of these other questions that you are all curious about,’ he warned. When questions persisted, he barked: ‘What did I say? Excuse me. Excuse me!… What part of ‘no’ don’t people understand?’”

That’s what she said (to him when he was sexually harassing her)!

Andrea Peyser describes Lindsay Lohan as the “walking, breathing, drinking, drugging, obscene human train wreck” and “the product of scumbag dad Michael and trailer-trash mom Dina.” She also discusses Lindsay’s “sad, little sister, the actress Ali, whose dramatic, recent weight loss can’t be helping her career, her health or her looks. Have a sandwich, Ali, and forget about yourself.”

She goes on to say that Sautner “hinted that she could throw Lindsay in the slammer for 270 days.” Another warning? Surely this one will scare Lindsay straight, right? Right?

But the highlight of her page is Cain we give it a rest, already? (see what she did there?)

“This is what Herman Cain is not accused of doing: 1. Touching someone uninvited. 2. Propositioning a lady not his wife. 3. Making raunchy jokes or, heck, telepathically broadcasting them.”

Two pages earlier, S.A. Miller wrote: “The new allegations closely resembled the others: That Cain made sexually suggestive comments or gestures while president of the National Restaurant Association.”

But back to Mandrea. “Question: What’s more threatening to liberal rule than a black, conservative Republican presidential front-runner? Answer: Candidate Barack Obama.” Didn’t you hear, Ms. Peyser? He’s President Barack Obama now.

Boy, if it turns out that Cain really did harass those women (or worse), I hope Peyser issues an apology. And that her husband stays away from unattended children.

Cindy Adams relays something her “friend” allegedly said.

“My mother-in-law cooked Thanksgiving last year. I actually said grace over grease. It was gross.”

Get in grave.

“An Alabama auto dealer has been forced to fork over $7.5 million for calling a rival’s business ‘Taliban Toyota.’ The slander judgment was spurred by workers at Bob Tyler Toyota telling customers that nearby Eastern Shore Toyota, owned by an Iranian immigrant, gave money to Islamic militants.”

I did a little more research (as this is all the Post has on the story) and in addition to accusing him of being a member of the Taliban, manager Fred Kenner accused the Iranian immigrant (Shawn Esfahani) of being an Iraqi.

$20 says he also refers to Obama as a Nazi.

George J. Marlin’s op-ed Hang Tough, Andrew begins: “The radical leftist Working Families Party is pushing the old hippies and young narcissists of Occupy Wall Street to champion one of its pet issues.” Marlin later explains that Gov. Cuomo “must answer John Kennedy’s ‘call to responsibility,’ defined in Profiles in Courage as choosing the right side of an issue over the popular side.”

Marlin is referring to the expiration of the Millionaires Surcharge Tax.

Marlin believes that ignoring the majority of his constituents and allowing millionaires to pay less in taxes — despite our state’s deficit growing beyond Cuomo’s predictions — would be courageous.

Yeah, that’d be right up there with ending segregation and allowing women to vote.

Frank J. Fleming asks “Are we too sissy for freedom anymore?”

The answer is “everyone should stop reading Frank J. Fleming.”

Linda 3Starsi reviews AMC’s Hell on Wheels.

“Hell on Wheels is not a perfect show — there are too many missteps.”

She gives it… three stars.

And that’s Thursday.

More to come…

1) Mariah Yeater, 20, has served Justin Bieber with a paternity suit in San Diego, “demanding that he take a DNA test. Yeater said she had sex with Bieber, now 17, after meeting him backstage at a Los Angeles concert last year, RadarOnline reported. Yeater was 19 when she allegedly hooked up with Bieber, who would have been 16 then… ‘He told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time… After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone — a bathroom,’ [Yeater] said, adding he refused to use a condom.”

I was going to make a joke about determining whether or not Yeater is carrying Bieber’s baby, baby, baby, oh, his baby, baby, baby, oh, but I decided it was too easy. Instead, here are a couple of photos of Yeater:

If you were Justin Bieber, is this who you’d want to lose your virginity to?

B’also? Can Mariah and Justin please go on Maury?

2) The Kim Kardashian story is about how her friends “yesterday launched a hardcore smear job on the reality-TV star’s hubby, New Jersey Net hoopster Kris Humphries, who had been recruited to play the glorified-extra role of groom in her made-for-TV wedding last month.” One of Kim’s “friends” told the Post that “[any establishment] who books [Humphries for endorsements or appearances] will be blacklisted [by Team Kardashian].”

How soon before Cindy Adams complains that there’s too much media coverage of the Kardashians? I’ll guess three days.

3) “The revolution has backfired. A heartbroken Shamil Cepada is one of 21 employees of a Wall Street cafe who just got laid off because business has bottomed out due to the ragtag Occupy Wall Street protesters.” Here’s the photo of owner/victim Marc Epstein sitting in his humble cafe that appears on page 7:

It’s such a shame that such a small cafe gets put out of business by Occupy Wall Street. Actually, I’m surprised that 21 people could work in such a tiny cafe. I’d love to know more about this place’s humble beginnings… oh, look. It’s an interview Epstein gave in June.

Waitaminute… this isn’t a small cafe! It’s a gigantic restaurant! Let’s take a tour!

So a giant restaurant (8,000 square feet for the restaurant, another 15,000 square feet for the kitchen) located at 40 Wall Street (aka The Trump Building) — almost four blocks away from Zuccotti Park — is blaming their financial difficulties solely on the OWS protesters? Really? It has nothing to do with their $10.50 soup? Or their $10.95 sandwiches? Or their $4.00 hot dogs? Or the $47.95 they charge for a dozen Sesame Chicken Satay skewers?

I guess it doesn’t. Otherwise the Post wouldn’t be able to use the follow-up headline REAL JOB KILLERS: Protesters force cafe layoffs as biz drops. Right?

By the way, every eatery around Zuccotti Park has been packed full every time I’ve been in the area. It has become a huge tourist draw.

B’also? Buried in the last paragraph of the 25-paragraph piece is this: “In another development, the protesters’ security team spotted a man suspected of sex assault in the encampment and notified cops. They took him into custody for questioning.” Does this mean the Post will apologize for yesterday’s editorial that insisted the protesters take pride in hiding crimes from the NYPD?

[SPOILER: No.]

“Herman Cain is turning past sexual-harassment allegations into a fund-raising bonanza, hauling in more than $250,000 Monday alone.”

Which shows you what kind of people support Cain. You know, the same ones who champion family values.

“The House yesterday cast a symbolic vote to reaffirm ‘In God We Trust’ as the US motto and encourage its placement in all public buildings and public schools.”

Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

“The looming state budget deficit ‘appears to be getting worse,’ Gov. Cuomo warned yesterday… ‘It’s fair to say’ that state revenue collections have ’slowed down’ and the projected deficit for the state fiscal year that begins on April 1 will top the $2.4 billion his administration officially forecast, Cuomo said.”

Hey, I just had an idea! You know what would provide the city with a billion dollars? Extending the millionaires tax!

“A blind man miraculously survived a terrifying fall yesterday onto Brooklyn subway tracks by rolling beneath the platform and avoiding an oncoming train.”

I predict the MTA will pay him a settlement of… $2,000,000.

Jon Huntsman recently referred to Mitt Romney as a “perfectly lubricated weather vane.”

Jon Huntsman is the only sane GOP presidential candidate. Which is why he has no chance.

Page Six (today on pages 12, 13 and 14) ran this photo today:

They say it’s Lady Gaga. But is it? I don’t think it looks like her, but I also don’t pay much attention to her.

After that Amy Winehouse photo they ran (that wasn’t actually a photo of Amy Winehouse), I can’t trust anything in Page Six.

Cindy Adams says: “May this country shrivel at Kim and kin and the whole family of Karcrashians. She itches to make money and be famous — fine. But thumbing your nose and shaking your behind at a second go-round of marriage is horrendous.”

Judges?

The judges say that this isn’t a plea for America to stop talking about Kim and her kin and her family and her relatives. So my prediction that she’ll make that plea in two days might still come true.

Unless she dies painfully before then.

“A Republican lawmaker [Sen. Marty Golden] vowed yesterday to kill a proposal that would make it easier for New Yorkers to find a parking spot in their neighborhoods.”

“Two Brooklyn pols are pushing the idea in anticipation of the opening of the new Barclays Center, an 18,000-seat arena for the NBA Nets in Prospect Heights that will have just 1,100 parking spots.”

$20 says Marty Golden has a garage. And doesn’t live near the Barclays Center.

“French producers are planning to make a porn film about the scandal surrounding Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his alleged sexual assault of a New York maid.”

The working title is DXK and, surprisingly, Strauss-Kahn will not be playing himself.

But if they cast him as the maid, I’ll buy a copy.

Remember that sentence from yesterday’s paper that I told you to remember? Here it is again: “While unionized state workers are getting hit with three years of wage freezes, and Gov. Cuomo and his top aides are taking 5 percent wage hikes, state Senate Republicans are doling out pay hikes to most of their Capitol staffers, The Post has learned.” And here’s why I told you to remember it:

Correction

“Due to an editing error, yesterday’s edition of The Post incorrectly reported that Gov. Cuomo gave raises to his staff after he came into office, when, in fact, he reduced his salary and the pay of his top aides by 5 percent.”

Oops.

From the editorial Leadership at Zuccotti Park:

“OWSers (and the prospect of free food, drugs and sex) have lured all sorts of unsavory types, outright criminals included. Many clearly see the First Amendment as a license to break the law.” Surprisingly (I write sarcastically), the Post still hasn’t written about the allegations being made that the NYPD is sending mentally-unstable homeless people and criminals to Zuccotti Park.

If you are drinking anything, swallow it before you read the next sentence.

“No one is a greater defender of free speech than we are.”

I told you to swallow, Kevin!

Kurt Schlichter’s op-ed FACTS ARE OPTIONAL: How sex-harass suits work defends Herman Cain because, where sexual-harassment claims are concerned, “Facts are optional. Maybe Cain did harass some employees. But the dirty little secret among lawyers that defend business people from lawsuits — and among those lawyers who bring them — is that an enormous percentage of such claims are frivolous, if not flat-out lies.”

So… Cain might be guilty, but many of these claims are frivolous, so we shouldn’t treat him like he’s guilty. Even if he is.

“Where sexual-harassment law once protected women from being forced to be the playthings of crude lechers, it’s been transformed to enforcing a prim puritanism that drains the humor and humanity from the workplace.”

“Cain is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn’t — and the liberal media is going to damn well enjoy harassing him.”

No, he’s damned if he did. Especially after all of the denials he’s been issuing.

The Yankees re-signed Brian Cashman to a three-year contract and added a year (and a surprisingly small amount of money) to CC Sabathia’s current four-year contract.

Sadly, A.J. Burnett is still alive.

Linda 3Starsi reviews Bravo’s Top Chef: Texas. She gives it…

…three stars.

Bonus Points: Maxine Shen provides a sidebar to let people know what Top Chef’s past winners are up to. That’s where I learned that Season 2’s “Ilan Hall blends ethnic flavors at his Los Angeles restaurant, The Gorbals, where he’s currently working on a bacon-flavored pina colada.” Good luck with that, Ilan.

And that’s Wednesday.

I’m off to a rehearsal and I’m working tomorrow and Saturday, so updates will be terse for a couple of days. But I’ll catch up ASAP.

The weekend is almost here! Yay!

Awww… but they seemed so vapid together…

“After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best,” said Kim in a prepared statement.

But her husband, Kris Humphries, allegedly found out about the divorce via Twitter. He released a counter-statement: “I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce. I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.” Poor Kris Humphries. He thinks there’s still a chance that his sham marriage can be saved.

“‘It was pretty much an arranged marriage right from the start,’ a Keeping up [sic] with the Kardashians insider told RadarOnline. ‘Kim was looking for a husband, and Kris was selected for her, amongst others,’ the insider said. ‘She wasn’t into him, but she hoped she would be able to develop some feelings, but it never happened.’” Poor Kris Humphries.

So if we take the $17,000,000 the couple (allegedly) made for their sham wedding and divide it first by the 72 days they were married, and then in half, they each earned roughly $118,055.56 for every day they spent as husband and wife.

The Post includes a list of “10 things longer than Kim’s marriage” that they selected from Twitter. Number 10 is “Minute rice.” HAHAHAHAHAHA… wait. That doesn’t make any sense. “Minute rice’s cooking time” makes sense, but “Minute rice” doesn’t.

Andrea Peyser gets in her licks with For richer, or richer: Inevitable collapse of a scam marriage, which begins, “She’s a fame whore for hire who became fabulously wealthy not for her looks, brains, sex appeal or talent. But for the super-sized quality of her protruding butt.” Um… that could actually be considered sex appeal, Mandrea.

“He’s tall, dark, athletic and exceptionally, stupendously, over-the-top dumb. The only mystery remaining is how any human so lacking in brain function could summon the ability to walk upright.” Poor Kris Humphries.

“It was a pairing born in an agent’s office, and spawned in amoral Hollywood… The marriage was nothing more than a profitable scam, one bought by heavy-set romantics who live their entire lives hoping for a shot at getting into bed with a Hump-Dashian.” Fat people are horny and stupid, and Hollywood is made up entirely of amoral (read: gay) liberal scum. Duly noted, ugly harridan.

“But within days [of the marriage], Humphries found himself on an airplane across the aisle from his wife’s sex-tape partner, Ray J. The worst came when Humphries didn’t punch the guy in the face.” Yeah, that part was the worst!

I can’t wait for Peyser’s divorce.

Scarlett Johansson told Vanity Fair that the leaked photos of her were from three years ago and were sent to her then-husband, Ryan Reynolds.

“She also said for the first time that she was the one who snapped the two nude photos.”

The Post neglects to mention that, in one of the two photos, she is clearly taking the picture of herself — as evidenced by the mirror she’s standing in front of.

The page 3 EXCLUSIVE by Laura Italiano, Frank Rosario and Bob Fredericks (OCCUPY ‘BALL’ STREET: Rush for STD tests) explains that “Occupy Wall Street protesters are flocking to nearby health clinics for STD and HIV testing after getting their freak on in ’60s-style hookups with crusty strangers, sources told The Post yesterday.”

In a related story, sources told me yesterday that everyone at the Post is required to insert a turnip in their rectum upon entering the office. And at the end of the day, the editorial staff makes a big pot of turnip soup that everyone eats before going home. And that everyone there is crusty.

“Also yesterday, a man [Felix Rivera-Pitre] who was punched in the head by a [sic] NYPD deputy inspector met with prosecutors to try to have the cop charged with misdemeanor assault.” To paraphrase Yoda, dear prosecutors, there is no try. Only do or do not. So do.

Geoff Earle reports on President Obama’s recent physical: “The president’s 10-year chance of heart disease stands at just 2 percent. He also screened negative for other top killers, like colon cancer.”

In other words, he’s healthy.

“The ‘Taxi of Tomorrow,’ unveiled by officials yesterday, includes a magic ceiling that absorbs all odors that leave New Yorkers holding their noses. The fresher-smelling ride comes courtesy of eco-friendly compounds added to the ceiling, said a rep for Nissan, which is designing the state-of-the-art taxi.”

To the Post, eco-friendly compounds = magic. Which helps explain why they portray environmentalists as hippie imbeciles.

Geoff Earle’s CAIN FEELING HEAT: Calls sex-harass charges ‘witch hunt’ quotes Herman Cain as saying, “This bull’s-eye on my back has gotten bigger. We have no idea about the source of this witch hunt.”

But we’re talking about Herman Cain, so naturally he changed his tune later that day.

Cain also said, “I’ll never know why Jesus came to love me so.” Presumably because he knows he’s going to Hell when he dies.

And he denied having any knowledge of a settlement. “I am unaware of any sort of settlement. I hope it wasn’t for much, because I didn’t do anything. It couldn’t have been very much money, or I would have had to know about it.” This paper was printed Monday night so by the time people started reading it, Cain had already amended his story to saying the women got two months’ salary. Later that day, he changed it to a full year’s salary (after more reputable media made that information public). But rather than show you clips of him talking nonsense, here’s a clip of other people talking nonsense for him.

“Can’t police no underwear.”

Page Six is on pages 10 and 11 today.

Cindy Adams remains hilarious.

“So she says to her boyfriend: ‘Talk dirty to me,’ and the guy says: ‘Madoff.’”

You know what would be even more hilarious? Cindy Adams’ remains.

Remember when Deputy Senate Majority Leader Thomas Libous (R-Binghamton) said he’d consider backing an extension to the millionaires tax (he called it “thinking outside the box”)? That was 13 days ago. Since then, the GOP made it clear that that wasn’t an option, so he went on Albany’s Talk 1300 AM radio to publicly change his mind.

“I am unequivocally against it. Thinking outside the box may include a lot of other things… We should stand firm [against the millionaires tax].”

Power to (a very small percentage of) the people!

Erik Kriss’s (EXCLUSIVE) State’s GOP in hell-rai$er begins, “While unionized state workers are getting hit with three years of wage freezes, and Gov. Cuomo and his top aides are taking 5 percent wage hikes, state Senate Republicans are doling out pay hikes to most of their Capitol staffers, The Post has learned. The pay increases, as the state struggles with budget cuts and falling revenues, average 6 percent and are worth nearly $1 million on an annual basis… Senate payroll records show that 19 Republican staffers who make six-figure salaries received raises — including the son of Sen. Hugh Farley (R-Schenectady).”

“Senate Democratic and Assembly staffers have not received raises this year.”

Remember the first sentence of this article.

The maid (Mildred Patricia Baena) who had Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child (Joseph Baena) took him to Fright Night at Six Flags Magic Mountain. He went in costume…

…as Conan the Barbarian.

His father wore it better.

“Chinese scientists believe they’ve found a way to make blood from rice. The medical advantage is that, unlike donated human blood, it won’t be able to transmit diseases.”

Would they use brown rice for minorities?

John Podhoretz’s Selfish book worms: Ruth & Bernie’s new disgrace is a half-page complaint about all of the attention the Madoffs have been getting recently. “The Madoffs are dull. The boys are dull. Their women are dull. The crooked father is dull. The mother/wife is dull.”

Having read the 17 Madoff-related articles the Post has published in the last two weeks, I wholeheartedly agree.

There are two editorials today.

Ambushing Herman Cain is notable only for this sentence: “Anonymous ’sexual harassment’ charges have been exhumed against [Cain] by Politico, the left-tilting, Web-centric press organization.”

Rather than respond myself, here’s something David Feldman posted on Facebook a few days ago: “Politico broke the Herman Cain sexual harassment story. Which means the story was leaked from within the GOP. It did not come from the DNC. Here’s why: Politico is owned by Robert Allbritton. Allbritton has extensive ties to the CIA and was Pinochet’s banker as well as the Saudi’s. Allbritton’s bank was pretty much shut down, and he had to pay multi million dollar fines in 2004 for money laundering. Politico, like Fox News, has the veneer of objectivity but it is in fact an arm of the right wing propaganda machine. Cain’s sexual harassment story came from within the wing of the GOP that wants Romney.”

The other editorial is Zuccotti Anarchy. Here are some excerpts:

“The protesters are taking a perverse pride in refusing to cooperate with authorities — organized crime’s ‘omerta’ tradition resonates — but the romance of that will evaporate quickly enough when the serious injuries start to pile up.”

“Among the drugs apparently being abused in the park is crystal meth — in its own way, a violence vector akin to what crack was two decades ago. Apart from that, the Zuccotti Park encampment has been attracting the emotionally disturbed, petty criminals and garden-variety vagrants all along.”

“Just as one may not falsely shout fire in the proverbial crowded theater, the First Amendment may not be properly be used to cover for a crime wave.”

“The Occupy Wall Street squat-in has passed its sell-by date — at least in its present form.”

That last part made me do a double-take. For the first time, the Post intimates that there is a modicum of value to the OWS movement. Will it last?

[SPOILER: No.]

There’s also an op-ed from Karol Markowicz about Herman Cain titled Why This Guy’s No Sexual Harasser. Her argument is that she worked for him in 2004 and he didn’t sexually harass her. And, really, who could resist Karol?

Her whole argument is that Cain is well-spoken and influential. But if you get to the 12th (of 14) paragraph, you’ll see this: “None of this means that a well-spoken, influential man can’t also be a sexual harasser.”

I want my five minutes back.

“Phoenix [Coyotes] forward Raffi Torres is being criticized for wearing blackface while dressed as rapper Jay-Z at a Halloween party.” Here’s a picture of Torres (and his wife, Gianna Santeramo-Torres, dressed as Beyoncé — also in blackface) at that party:

“The Coyotes issued a statement denouncing the reaction or claims that Torres is racist.”

Not the decision to wear blackface (and blackarms and blacklegs), but the reaction to that decision.

Yet another reason to not care about hockey!

As of today, I have won the same number of 2011 NFL games as the Miami Dolphins (0-7) and the Indianapolis Colts (0-8).

And that’s Tuesday.

More to come…

“George Clooney’s ex-gal pal Elisabetta Canalis delivered an ego-crushing blow to Tinseltown’s most famous bachelor, saying he was more of a father than a lover to her. ‘Between us, there was more of a father-daughter relationship. I was unable to clarify this up ’til now,’ Canalis says in Questo Amore (This Love), a book by journalist Bruno Vespa.”

But this should come as no surprise, as the Post has spent many years telling us that all Hollywood liberals are gay.

There’s yet another article on the Madoffs on page 4 (Life as Bernie’s ’shield’), this time focusing on Andrew (and his book, Truth and Consequences: Life Inside the Madoff Family) and Ruth (and her 60 Minutes interview), and their relationship with Bernie. As with just about every other Post article on the Madoffs I’ve read over the last week or two (and there have been puh-lenty), there is almost nothing of interest to anyone whose last name isn’t Madoff. But I’ll admit this part made me laugh out loud:

“Despite her claims of ignorance, Ruth confessed she might not have dropped a dime on Bernie had she learned of the scheme earlier. ‘That would’ve been tough, but I, I would have left [him],’ she said. ‘Whether I’d turn him in or not, I don’t know. I like to think I would have, but, I, I, I couldn’t say. I’m being completely honest with you, I have to say.’”

Translation: I’m being completely honest when I tell you I’m not completely honest.

Frank Rosario and Andy Campbell’s HIPSTER GRUBBERS DINE A LA DUMPSTER begins, “Brooklyn hipsters have found a new way of filling their bellies that would probably turn your stomach — rummaging for and then feasting on expensive food that grocery chains toss in the trash.”

They go on to explain that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the food they find (including individually-wrapped-in-plastic sandwiches and bottles of Izze sparkling soda), which is thrown out by places like Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, Starbucks, Gristedes, D’Agostino and 7-Eleven because it’s past the sell-by date (not the expiration date). These “hipsters” sound a lot like “freegans,” right? WRONG.

“[Ashley] Fields and her pals aren’t part of the ‘freegan’ movement, in which environmentalists live off throw-away [sic] food as a political statement against corporate waste and big agri-business. These Dumpster divers are just in it for cheap food.”

Actually, guys, they’re in it for free food. And I honestly don’t understand why this makes them hipsters. They seem pretty darn practical to me.

OWS camp gets really commie-cal begins, “Some 50 Occupy Wall Street protesters saw red yesterday — giving an enthusiastic welcome to a genuine communist. Alex Callinicos, a professor of European Studies at Kings College in London, announced to his rapt audience, ‘I am a Marxist.’”

“He said violence could be avoided only if the ‘1 percent accept the decisions of the 99 percent,’ which he predicted would never happen.”

Boy, this commie sounds a lot like Pat Buchanan, who recently predicted that the OWS movement is “going to end very, very badly with these folks in the winter and they’re not going to be getting publicity and they’re going to be acting up and acting badly like the worst of the demonstrators in the 60s. They’re going to start fighting with the cops.”

Um… Pat? The cops started fighting with the protesters weeks ago. One even hit a veteran in the head with a tear gas cannister  — giving him brain damage — and then another (or was it the same cop?) threw a flash grenade at the protesters coming to his aid. But keep pushing your narrative, you Holocaust-denying racist.

S.A. Miller’s Cain ’sex’ bombshell: Accusers paid off: report is all about how Herman Cain was accused of sexual harassment by “at least” two female employees during his tenure as president of the National Restaurant Association.

“Cain spokesman J.D. Gordon told The Post that the candidate was the victim of a smear campaign of ‘unsubstantiated personal attacks.’”

Fun Fact: Part of the settlement the NRA and the women reached prevents them from discussing the incidents.

The piece also includes Cain’s explanation of why he released a campaign ad of his campaign manager, Mark Block, smoking a cigarette: “One of the themes within this campaign is ‘Let Herman be Herman.’ Mark is a smoker and we say, ‘Let Mark be Mark.’ We believe ‘Let People be People.’”

Ladies and gentlemen, the current GOP frontrunner.

“The world’s 7 billionth person will be born shortly after 1 p.m. today, according to the UN Population Fund.”

When I was in the 1st grade (31 years ago), there were 4 billion people on the planet. That means that there are a billion more people on the planet roughly every 10 years.

Yikes.

I read in Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13) that Kim Kardashian dressed up as Poison Ivy for Halloween.

This made me sad, as the Batman part of my brain (which is most of it) has now been infiltrated by the talentless marriage-mocking celebrity. But then I found a photo of the actual costume.

She didn’t go as the comic-book Poison Ivy! She went as the Poison Ivy in Batman & Robin — one of the biggest failures in Hollywood history!

Just like her sham marriage!

From Cindy Adams’ column:

“Brian Grazer is to awards what DSK is to a woman’s body — the guy’s had his share.” Dominique Strauss-Kahn molests and ejaculates on women’s bodies, but he’s never won a woman’s body (to my knowledge). This is a horrible analogy.

“FLASH: Bookings down at lodges in our national parks. It’s either the economy or maybe whoever wants to see nature in the raw is watching Kim Kardashian’s show.” FLASH: This is gibberish. Die.

Andrea Peyser’s DANCING WITH REALITY chastises Chaz Bono, who was recently voted off of Dancing With the Stars. “Chaz says he wants to be treated like everyone else. But he thinks he’s immune to criticism, unlike anyone else… ‘Being compared to animals and round objects didn’t help me mature as a dancer,’ Chaz griped to Jimmy Kimmel.”

I hunted down the clip Mandrea is referring to. Skip ahead to 2:20 where Chaz says “I don’t have any problem being on that show and being critiqued about my dancing. I was hoping for that. That’s how you learn and that’s how you get better.” Then he says what Peyser said he said (though he says “grow” not “mature”). Does he seem bitter to you? Is he griping? Or does he have a smile on his face?

Oh well. Maybe one day Peyser will mature up.

“Two managers of a Domino’s Pizza have been busted for allegedly burning down a Papa John’s. Sean Everett Davidson, 23, and Bryan David Sullivan, 22, have allegedly confessed.”

Where did this happen, readers? Was it South Carolina? Texas? Florida?

Answer: It happened in Lake City, Florida.

Weekend Box Office:

The Rum Diary premiered in 5th ($5,135,369), Footloose dropped from 3rd to 4th ($5,502,026), In Time premiered in 3rd ($12,050,368), Paranormal Activity 3 dropped from 1st to 2nd, and Puss in Boots opened in 1st ($34,077,439).

A Nightmare on Elm Street’s Freddy Kruger “is the favorite scary figure of all time, while The Exorcist still can’t be beaten for overall scariest movie, according to a Halloween-themed survey my MTV.”

MTV is doing everything these days… except playing music videos.

Michael A. Walsh’s Making Taxes Fairer applauds Rick Perry for proposing a flat tax — “the only kind of income tax that makes any sense.”

The Vulcan Muppet makes the same false claims he makes all the time (that nearly half the population pays nothing, that the rich already pay too much, that Paul Ryan’s Atlas Shrugged II: The Path to Prosperity isn’t a horrible idea).

He’s adorable.

Kris Jenner (mother of Kim Kardashian) has a new book (Kris Jenner… and All Things Kardashian) that’ll be in stores tomorrow. In it she reveals that Nicole Brown Simpson called her on the day she was murdered, begging to talk to her. But Kris told her “she was tied up.”

“‘It would be the last time I would ever speak to Nicole,’ Jenner writes.”

“I instinctively knew that in some way O.J. had something to do with [Nicole's] death,” Jenner also writes.

Fun Fact: Kris Jenner used to be married to Robert Kardashian, one of O.J.’s many, many attorneys in that murder trial.

Nice try, Kris, but America still cares more about your idiot daughter’s divorce.

And that’s Monday.

See you tomorrow!

I hate the MTA.

On Saturday night, I braved the sleet and winds to get from my warm and cozy home to the UCB for Let’s Have A Ball. I took the same route I always do — the F to Jay Street-Metrotech where I switch to an A or C (if an A comes first, I get out at 14th Street and wait for a C or E to 23rd Street; if a C comes first, I take it all the way to 23rd).

Due to the weather I expected delays, but I always give myself plenty of time to get to the UCB (I prefer to arrive early and read over racing against the clock and giving myself an ulcer). When we arrived at Jay Street, the recorded announcement told me to “transfer here for the A, C and R train.” So I did.

An A showed up 10 minutes later and announced that it would be traveling on the F line until 4th Street. That made me sad (I got off an F Train 10 minutes ago — I would have taken it to 4th Street and switched to a C or E there had I known the A — and I assumed the C, as well — was becoming an F train), but I still had plenty of time and an Onion crossword to do.

When we got to 4th Street, the conductor said, “Next stop: 14th Street.” But I noticed we were still on the F line despite the previous announcement that said we’d be back on the A line from 4th Street on. The weather being what it was, I didn’t want to have to walk from 23rd Street and 6th Avenue to 26th Street and 8th Avenue. So I got off and raced upstairs to wait for a C or E. An E finally showed up and I got on. Ten minutes went by before the conductor announce, “This train isn’t going anywhere. If you want to go to 34th Street, go downstairs.”

A mob of already-frustrated straphangers raced downstairs only to find an empty platform. Eventually, an E arrived (on the F line) and I got on. After ten minutes, the conductor explained that there had been “an incident” at 59th Street and there was no service on the A, C and E lines. Five minutes later, we started moving.

I got to 23rd Street and 6th Avenue at 7:15. I called the UCB and asked them to let Becky and Kay know that I would be there ASAP and to hold the curtain until I got there (we were the only three performers because everyone else was out of town and Brandon’s plane to NYC was cancelled that morning). I was told (in a very polite way) that I didn’t have the authority to hold the curtain but they’d suggest it to the theater manager. If it wasn’t sleeting and if there wasn’t three inches of slush on the ground, I would’ve had no problem getting to the theater by 7:25. But it was (and there was), so I hurriedly slid into hordes of umbrella-toting pedestrians staring at the ground (instead of watching where they were going) until I got to the theater at 7:28. No curtain holding was necessary.

The show was fun and I was smart enough to pick up some empanadas for the journey home (I had to wait 25 minutes for an F train at Jay Street, but they were a delicious 25 minutes), but I saw something on the F train that made me glad that I had already eaten my dinner (as I would have immediately lost my appetite if I had one). I took a picture of the poster, but I found a less blurry photo at Fucked in Park Slope:

What this means: Starting on November 14th (and [allegedly] ending in “Spring 2012″), no southbound F or G trains will stop at the station I live above. This is the opposite of what happened last time (no northbound trains stopped there for a few months), and slightly more preferable (it will add no time to my commute to work in the morning, but it will require me to travel past my stop and transfer to a northbound train every time I am coming back from work or the grocery store or a rehearsal).

Bonus Points: FiPS also points out that the poster’s (alleged) finish date is different than the one on the MTA’s Web site.

I really and truly despise the MTA.

“As as many as 500 as many as 400 16 cops were hauled into Bronx Supreme Court yesterday to answer for the massive NYPD ticket-fixing scandal, and hundreds of officers protested outside, new details emerged on how the suspects made the summonses disappear.”

“IT’S A COURTESY NOT A CRIME” was a popular sign, as was “‘IT’S BEEN GOING ON SINCE THE DAYS OF THE EGYPTIANS.’ MAYOR MIKE BLOOMBERG.“ But my favorite is this: “JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS” (which you might remember as the most common defense at the Nuremberg Trials).

It looks like they’re standing in the street, doesn’t it? That’s a crime! Why isn’t anyone beating them with batons and pepper-spraying their eyes?

“Families worried about loved ones with Alzheimer’s getting disoriented and wandering off can now get them walking shoes with built-in GPS devices.”

But they’ll only work if the person wearing them forgets how to take them off.

There’s a story about how the new racino at Aqueduct Racetrack had to turn people away from their grand opening. I only mention it because it introduced me to my new favorite name: “‘This wait is crazy!’ said prospective gambler Inosent Carver, of Queens.”

His parents, Nahtgiltee Stabber and Akwidid Slasher, had no comment.

“Two off-duty NYPD officers were arrested yesterday morning charged with driving while intoxicated. Police officer Ariel Rosa, 26, was arrested after the rookie allegedly hit a parked car on Moffat Street in Bushwick  at 4:25 a.m. yesterday…He’s been suspended for 30 days without pay. Meanwhile, Officer Michael Botros, 29, was arrested near 150th Avenue and Lefferts Boulevard in South Ozone Park at about 7:40 a.m. yesterday, and also charged with driving while intoxicated.”

I don’t know who watches the watchmen, but I know who gently slaps their wrists.

“Firefighters powered down Occupy Wall Street yesterday, seizing protesters’ electric generators as the grungy horde prepared for the season’s first blast of wintery weather.”

The grungy horde? Fuck you, Antonio Antenucci and Bill Sanderson.

“Mayor Bloomberg said the seizure was made ‘just to make sure everybody’s safe.’”

Because what could make the protesters safer than removing the things that keep them warm right before a giant slush-storm?

“Meanwhile, a protester was arrested early yesterday on charges of assaulting a TV reporter. Dustin Taylor, 34, of Millersburg, Ohio allegedly threatened WNYW/Channel 5 reporter John Huddy, saying, ‘I’ll stab you in the throat with this pen.’” Now why would a protester be rude to a TV reporter? Hmmm… what’s WNYW/Channel 5 an affiliate of? Oh, that’s right. It’s Fox’s channel in New York City.

It’s such a shame that after weeks of insulting the protesters and perpetuating the “they don’t even know why they’re there” and “they hate wealth” myths, Fox isn’t treated with kindness. Incidentally, here’s a sign that might help Fox better understand the OWS movement:

“Meanwhile, a fed-up Rudy 9iu11ani said the city should move the protesters out, citing public safety and health hazards. ‘Enough is enough,’ the former mayor said. ‘We can’t allow this to go on forever and ever. It sets a bad precedent… [and] diverts police resources from public safety.’” And protests outside Bronx Supreme Court.

Bonus Points to Antonio and Bill for starting paragraphs #12 and 18 with “Meanwhile.”

“The Long Island Rail Road and a federal board said they are prepared to yank the pensions and disability benefits of the seven retirees busted in a $1 billion scam Thursday in which the workers allegedly falsely claimed to be too hurt to work.” Yay!

“But [RRB spokesman Mike] Freeman repeatedly refused yesterday to say if RRB will investigate — as it promised three years ago — whether up to 1,423 LIRR retirees who were approved disability benefits between 2004 and 2008 are legitimately disabled… The vast majority of the 1,423 retirees were certified disabled by two doctors, who were also busted Thursday.” Boo!

The TSA is firing the baggage inspector who put an inappropriate note (GET YOUR FREAK ON GIRL) in Jill Filipovic’s luggage after he spotted her vibrator. Here’s part of Jill’s response:

“I get no satisfaction in hearing that someone lost their job over this. I would much prefer a look at why ’security’ has been used to justify so many intrusions on our civil liberties, rather than fire a person who made a mistake… The invasion is inherent to the TSA’s mission, regardless of whether a funny note is left behind — the note only serves to highlight the absurdity of all this security theater.”

Page Six is on page 10 today.

“Actress Kristen Stewart has revealed the latest movie in the ‘Twilight Saga’ was originally given a ‘R’ rating after a sex scene between her and real-life lover, Robert Pattinson, was deemed too steamy… Luckily for younger fans, the rating will not be final as the scene is being re-cut.”

Wait… the Twilight Saga has older fans?

Conrad Murray’s lawyer put Dr. Paul White on the stand yesterday and he told the jury that “Michael Jackson likely injected himself with a fatal dose of the anesthetic propofol after popping an extra eight sedatives without [Conrad Murray's] knowledge.”

This is an odd strategy, as Los Angeles juries have made it clear that they disregard everything Michael Jackson does.

Swedish Chef:

Swedish Lunch Lady:

“[A lunch lady in Sweden] stunned teachers and students when they confronted her about the inedible food she served, and she responded by taking off her pants.opening her shirt, and doing a striptease in the cafeteria. ‘The school’s social-welfare officer tried to tell her this is no [sic] acceptable behavior, but she just kept on dancing,’ said a witness.”

This seems like a good time to thank all of the cafeteria workers in all of the schools I have ever attended for never taking off any of their clothes in my presence.

“A stray beagle mix that cheated death in the gas chamber of an Alabama dog pound is up for adoption in New Jersey.”

When he heard this, Pat Buchanan (who recently complained that Jews — “who represent less than 2 percent of the US population” — have “33 percent of the Supreme Court’s seats”) turned to his wife and said, “See? They can’t even kill a beagle mix in a gas chamber! I told you the Jews were lying about the Holocaust!”

Rich Lowry still doesn’t get it.

“Are we divided between the top 1 percent and a vast wasteland of the dispossessed, as many of the Occupy Wall Street protesters have it? Or are we still the land of opportunity, as top House Republican Paul Ryan insisted in a recent speech at the Heritage Foundation? The answer is that we are still a mobile society, although not as much of one as we might wish. If the nihilistic despair of the Occupy Wall Street crowd is detached from reality, neither is self-congratulation in order.”

Vast wasteland of the dispossessed? Nihilistic despair? That’s weird. When I listen to what the various Occupy groups are saying — and doing — I get a sense of unity and compassion and hope that has been sadly missing from America for some time. But please, Rich, tell us what the answer to our nation’s problems are.

“If Americans finished high school, worked full time at a job that matched their skills and married at the rate they did in the 1970s, the poverty rate would be cut 70 percent.” Of course! Everyone should just get full-time jobs! Brilliant!

“These old-fashioned bourgeois virtues, and particularly marriage, rarely figure in the public debate. Everyone is more comfortable talking about taxes or the banks, as the American Dream frays.” Yeah, Occupy Wall Street! Shut up about the criminals who almost destroyed our economy! Start protesting the lower marriage rates in this country!

Rich Lowry is not very bright.

Not to get too meta, but I honestly don’t know if the authors of these two letters to the Post are being sarcastic or not:

Staten Island’s Charlie Honadel writes, “I know that Frank J. Fleming is trying to be funny and that ‘Why We Must Lose the Darn 1 Percent’ is supposed to be satire. But some people might not understand he’s kidding and take him seriously.”

Flemington, New Jersey’s Joe Hann writes, “Fleming must have written this column with tongue in cheek the whole time. Include a picture next time so that we can know for sure.”

“Tesla Motors, a US maker of electric cars, is sold out of next year’s production of its new Model S sedan and should earn a profit in 2013, CEO Elon Musk said in a Bloomberg TV interview.”

I would like to applaud the Post for printing this sentence without adding “for eco-fags” after “electric cars.”

GOBLIN IT UP! is the PULSE section’s guide to the right candies to get for “your guests” on Halloween.

Examples include: A nine-piece bonbon box from Max Brenner ($12.90), a small skull with marshmallow eyes from Jacques Torres ($20), and cupcakes from Crumbs ($3.75 each).

If you come to my house on Halloween, I will give you one fun-sized candy bar from a giant bag that I got on sale at Rite Aid. You’re welcome.

Hondo (the sports section’s resident right-wing pundit) writes, “The Occupy Wall Street Protesters, aka ‘the 99 percent,’ today will belong to a group in which they will be ‘the one percent’ — the tiny minority that camps out while being deluged by a wintry mix.”

And speaking of tiny minorities,

And that’s Saturday.

Teresa and I are heading down to Zuccotti Park tomorrow and I start my new job (finally!) the following morning. But I’ll write what I can when I can.

Have a great week and Happy Halloween!

I only care about the LIRR story.

“A slew of perfectly healthy former Long Island Rail Road workers lied about being disabled on the job in a $1 billion pension scam, federal prosecutors charged yesterday.”

“Eleven suspects were charged: six retired workers, two orthopedists and three so-called ‘facilitators’ — a former union official, an ex-federal railroad administrator and a doctor’s-office manager. More arrests are likely down the line.”

“The arrests yesterday came on the heels of investigations by Congress and the New York attorney general into how nearly 90 percent of all LIRR retirees went out on disability. ‘While six LIRR retirees are charged in the scheme, untold numbers of others are known to have fraudulently applied for and obtained disability benefits,’ said FBI Special Agent Diego Rodriguez. ‘This seems like an appropriate time to mention that this investigation is ongoing.’”

Everyone who is convicted should have to give up every penny they made through their ill-gotten disability pensions (with interest), lose their regular pensions and serve time in prison.

“A prewinter storm is expected to arrive at about 7 to 8 a.m. tomorrow and should bring a snow-rain mixture by about 1 p.m., according to AccuWeather.” Hey, AccuWeather? There’s a word for “snow-rain mixture.” It’s “sleet.”

“Winds may gust up to 30 mph, and the storm could turn briefly to all snow before it leaves tomorrow night.”

It begins…

Carl Campanile spends most of page 3 blowing the lid off of a story that should’ve been on the cover.

‘SEX’ MACHINES: Cash & Carrie at Aqueduct racino informs us that there are six “snazzy Sex and the City slot-machine games” at the Resorts World New York casino, which opens today at the Aqueduct Racetrack.

Paragraph #10 (of 17): “Throughout the game, video clips from the show pop up on the LCD monitor, keeping players engaged with the characters even if they’re losing money.”

Great reporting, Carl.

There are two Occupy Wall Street-related stories on page 4.

Amber Sutherland, Selim Algar and Todd Venezia’s Occupiers flee to wherever it’s free begins, “As fed-up cops are prepared to slap rowdy ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protesters with civil lawsuits, fed-up Zuccotti Park protesters have found a way to take a slap at Mother Nature. Some of the OWS masses dodged yesterday’s cold and rain by ditching their tents and huddling in a nearby art gallery with free WiFi.”

I’m not sure why this is news (let alone a full third of page 4), but I guess it makes the protesters seem more like societal leeches (which is important for the Post to do).

The piece also includes this: “‘In the event it does get violent, I think that people should be put on notice that NYPD sergeants are not going to be punching bags,’ said Ed Mullins, New York Sergeants Benevolent Association president.” Which leads to the other OWS article…

Hurt a sarge and we’ll take you to court! by Ed Mullins.

I keep waiting to see video footage of protesters abusing policemen. I wonder why I haven’t.

(No, I don’t.)

There is a bit of good news, though: “Scott Olsen, the Iraq War vet whose skull was fractured at a protest in Oakland, is expected to make a full recovery, officials there said.”

Ge0ff Earle’s Candidates blast feds on education: GOPers’ degree of contempt showcases various GOP responses to Obama’s recent plan to help Americans with their student loan debt [SPOILER WARNING: They all think it's a terrible idea].

“[Herman] Cain, speaking by satellite from Arkansas, where he was promoting his new book, said he wants to let market forces work on states that do the worst job at educating young kids.” Worth repeating: “Cain, speaking by satellite from Arkansas, where he was promoting his new book.”

“Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, who said he home-schooled his seven children, called for greater parental involvement, calling it a ‘cancer’ on the system that ‘at a certain age, you sort of drop your kids off and are done with this.’” Worth repeating: “Rick Santorum, who said he home-schooled his seven children.”

“Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, who home-schooled her five biological children and 23 foster kids, said the federal government should get out of the education business… She claimed that the educational outcomes for American kids were better before the federal government established a Department of Education and started meddling in schools in the late 1970s.” And she should know because (Worth repeating): “[Bachmann] home-schooled her five biological children and 23 foster kids.”

The way Earle ends his piece made me laugh out loud (first for Perry’s decision, then again for the non-sequitur last line): “In other developments on the campaign trail, Texas Gov. Rick Perry, whose poll numbers tanked after a series of subpar debate performances, may pass on future debates, Perry’s team revealed. News Corp. owns The Post.”

John Boehner was on The Laura Ingraham Show recently and said, “There is nothing that has disappointed me more over the last eight weeks than to watch the president [sic] of the United States basically give up on the economy and give up on the American people.”

Boehner is as awful as they come. Case in point, this.

From the link: “Yet the bill is not moving — and nobody, including the people in charge of setting the schedule for House votes, seems to know why. A spokeswoman for House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) directed questions about the issue to the House Speaker’s office. A spokesman for Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) had no comment.” Surprisingly (I write sarcastically), the Post isn’t covering this story.

“Wegmans Food Markets is recalling 5,000 pounds of pine nuts, citing possible salmonella contamination. The Turkish pine nuts were sold in bulk in stores in New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Virginia, and Maryland between July 1 and Oct. 18, says the upscale grocery chain.”

Avoid pesto for a little while.

“Just a day after being released from jail on a domestic-violence rap, Lindsay Lohan’s dad, Michael, was arrested again yesterday after dangling from a balcony at a Tampa hotel — and crashing 30 feet to the ground — while fleeing cops, police said… He was hospitalized with a possible broken foot.”

I bet the people who made the reality series Living Lohan are angry that they didn’t wait another two or three years to do it.

Leonard Greene’s ‘Chimp’ gal: I’m beautiful includes a few quotes from Charla Nash. One is “A lot of people tell me I look beautiful.” Another is “I look OK now, and I don’t have to worry about scaring anyone.”

Now look at the headline again.

Great work, Leonard.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), “Justin Bieber’s new Christmas album, Under the Mistletoe [sic] is more ’seductive’ than past recordings because ‘vocally, his balls have dropped,’ explained his no-nonsense manager, Scooter Braun.”

Vocally, if not actually.

Cindy Adams calls Halloween “the only day of the year Michael Moore looks right.” She also says (and please translate this for me if you can), “Today it’s vampire movies. Chain-saw close-ups. Horror movies — even excluding those Madonna makes.”

B’also? “Now films are so scary that Psycho and Nightmare [sic] on Elm Street are considered musicals. It’s witches and wizards and whatshisname Radcliffe shoving broomsticks up Dumbledore.” I think someone sent Cindy the gay porn parody Whorrey Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls (yes, that’s a real thing) and told her it was part of the Harry Potter franchise.

More gibberish: “I went to one costume party where a dowager dressed as a scarecrow. She explained, ‘It goes with dreams my husband had.’ Murmured the husband: ‘Forget the dreams. Just get me their phone numbers.’”

Stop fighting it, Cindy. Please please please just die.

Abby Wise Schachter (author of the Post’s politics blog, “Capitol Punishment”) provides the op-ed Anti-Drilling Hysteria: Spreading fear to halt progress, which includes the Post’s pro-fracking graphic:

“Fracking could open up a world of economic opportunity for NY, if greenies don’t derail it.”

The author should be forced to change her middle name.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives one and a half stars to In Time (“could have been made especially to lure the Occupy Wall Street crowd away to the movies long enough to allow the patchouli and organic bean curd to be hosed off their tents”), two stars to The Rum Diary (“in the true spirit of the ’60s, it was pretty much guaranteed to be a disappointment”), one star to Janie Jones (“No one’s life is this boring.”), and one and a half stars to My Reincarnation (“slow documentary”).

Lou Lumenick gives two and a half stars to Anonymous (“The action toggles confusingly back and forth between several time periods.”), one and a half stars to Puss in Boots (“relentlessly mediocre”), one star to The Double (“a dull spy thriller that gives away its big ’secret’ both in its trailer and the film’s title”), and zero stars to All’s Faire in Love (“Matthew Lillard’s face gets urinated on by a goat”).

Sara Stewart gives two and a half stars to Like Crazy (“ethereal indie romance, riveting and frustrating”).

V.A. Musetto gives one and a half stars to 13 (violence) and two stars to Urbanized (disturbing images).

Scott Boras now claims that he was only kidding when he said he wanted the Yankees to renegotiate Robinson Cano’s current contract (which covers 2012 and 2013).

$20 says he tries to renegotiate Cano’s contract after the 2012 season ends.

Linda 3Starsi reviews Discovery’s Gold Rush (formerly Gold Rush Alaska).

She gives it…

…three stars.

Once again, the Post’s color-coded TV listings are printed in black and white.

And that’s Friday.

Have a great weekend!

BREAKING NEWS: I was about to post today’s entry on Facebook when I saw a video Teresa posted. I watched it and, when I was finished cackling, I decided to add it here.

We have a giant bag of junk mail that we were waiting to bring to a shredder. But now we’ll be putting it all to much better use.

“Light to moderate alcohol consumption can have health benefits for many people but carries grave risks for others… researchers in California found.”

In a related study, researchers discovered that some drivers get into car accidents but others don’t.

Science!

President Obama unveiled a new plan that “would lower the cap on the maximum amount of student loan debt from 15 percent to 10 percent of discretionary income — instituting the cap next year instead of waiting until 2014. Any remaining debt would be forgiven after 20 years — five years sooner than under the current law. And loans obtained through different government programs could be consolidated at a lower rate.”

Geoff Earle ends his piece (Obama the loan ranger) with this: “But Republicans blamed the rising cost of college of Obama’s economic policies. The real way to reduce the burden of student loan debt is to slow down the growth of tuition,’ said Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-Tenn.).”

Say hello to Lamar Alexander:

Now say hello to this chart:

That chart begins in 1982 and ends in 2005. Here’s one that covers 1975 – 2009:

This one appears to cover 1978 – 2011:

Any Republican that blames Obama for the rising cost of tuition is either an idiot, a liar or both.

Do you miss the old days when the Post lavished praise on Hillary Clinton, hoping the Democrats would nominate her so that John McCain could win the 2008 election? If so, you’ll love S.A. Miller’s Hill’s shock poll climb over Bam. The article cites a Time magazine poll (of some people somewhere) that shows Obama beating Mitt Romney 48-44, Herman Cain 49-34, and Rick Perry 50-38. Looks like Obama has nothing to worry about, right? Except Hillary Clinton! She beat Romney 55-38, Cain 56-34, and Perry 58-32.

Good thing for Obama Hillary isn’t running for anything.

“A Brooklyn woman won a staggering $60 million judgment after a botched operation at Maimonides Hospital left her stomach paralyzed. Kaitlyn Nelson, 24, underwent surgery in December 2000 — when she was 13 — to tighten the sphincter at the base of her esophagus to correct an acid reflux problem . But during surgery, her vagus nerve was injured, causing paralysis to her stomach muscles.”

If the operation took place on December 15th, I think the hospital’s attorneys might have been able to win the case.

(look at the name of the hospital again)

Laura Italiano reports on yesterday’s sentencing of Heidi Jones to 350 hours of community service and three years’ probation for lying about being raped last year (TV GAL IS MISS CAST). On the plus side, Italiano doesn’t refer to Jones as a “weather babe.” However, she does refer to her as a “weather gal” twice (not counting the headline).

Did you know that “meteorologist” can refer to either a man or a woman? If so, can you let the Post know?

Andrea Peyser notes that homeless Anthony Ciccone “insists he wants no help,” but she knows the real reason he lives on the street. “[It's] as plain as Madge’s wacked-out leftist politics. The government must meet all of Anthony’s needs. You don’t expect La Madonna to dig in her pockets to help her own flesh and blood, do you?”

Ah, but you don’t know if Madonna has tried to help her brother, do you, Mandrea?

Peyser also writes about how The New York Times refuses to admit that Occupy Wall Street is made up entirely of anti-Semites (Protest press gets with the pogrom).

“This is from The New York Times: ‘The protests have also, on occasion, had a distinctly Jewish flavor: The encampment has coincided with the busy Jewish holiday season and has witnessed, in its midst or on its edges, a crowded Kol Nidre service on Yom Kippur, festive dancing with a scroll on Simchat Torah… and the sukkah.’ Times collaborators want to wish away displays of anti-Semitism spreading like a cancer at Occupy Wall Street. Good luck, you dancing fools.” How dare the Times report on things that happened! Especially when they contradict the Post’s false narrative!

But the bulk of Mandrea’s page of bile is devoted to XXXtracurricular activity in school.

“The city’s public schools are transitioning into a gross and kinky pleasure palace, with sixth-graders — kids as young as 10 — being drilled on such activities as sexual intercourse and oral sex. Plus, a cornucopia of deviant acts you wouldn’t perform without a defibrillator handy.” Like showing a man your naked body, Andrea?

Schools Chancellor Dennis Walcott notes that “‘A significant percentage of our teenagers have had multiple sexual partners, so we can’t stick our heads in the sand about this.’ But psychiatrist Miriam Grossman… says our kids aren’t safe.”

This is the third Post article in the last few days that features Miriam Grossman’s opinion (which just so happens to parrot a book she wrote over two years ago). Fun Fact: That book was published by a subsidiary of Eagle Publishing, Inc. – a publisher with a political agenda.

Peyser ends with this: “Lose the curriculum before someone gets hurt.” I believe she is issuing a threat of violence. I hope the police charge her for threatening Mr. Walcott’s well-being.

Page Six is on pages 12 and 13 today.

A coroner has ruled that Amy Winehouse “drank herself to death” after an autopsy showed “lethal amounts of alcohol in her blood — more than five times the British drunken-driving limit.”

And well over the not-dying limit.

Did you know that “Mick Jagger makes homemade jam for his pals?” I didn’t… until I read Cindy Adams’ column. And now I know! I wonder what more important piece of information in my brain was replaced by this. Oh, well.

She also provides this incredibly funny joke: “Headline in Year 2059: ‘Minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.’ Headline in Year 2060: ‘Baby conceived naturally, scientists stumped.’”

Did I say incredibly funny? I meant please die, you racist anachronism.

This story about a store in Canada is offered without comment:

“[An] Edmonton store, called Winners, gave a handicapped 9-year-old girl a $25 gift certificate as an apology after employees cruelly kicked her out last week because she had a service dog. Little Emily Ainsworth and her mom happily went back to the store again this week to redeem the $25 — and were again kicked out. ‘It’s demeaning,’ her mom, Alison, said.”

“Three thieves [in Sweden] were nabbed after they stopped to go poo in some bushes near the home of a strawberry farmer whom they tied up and robbed of $1,500. Cops found the felonious feces and were able to get DNA samples, which led to the arrests.”

For the record, I was recently robbed of a sizable amount of my leavings. So if any of it is found at a crime scene, know that it was probably put there by the person who robbed me.

Yes, that’ll do.

Now that Barbara Sheehan has been acquitted of murdering her husband (Raymond Sheehan), she’s giving interviews and discussing her husband’s (alleged) sexual fetishes.

“He would meet up with young people and he would dress like a woman, they would dress like a woman. There were no women…. He was into that, diapers, acting like a baby, or having someone else act like a baby. He wanted me to watch him do things. He would do things to himself.”

Their kids must be so pleased with her.

Fox Business Network senior correspondent Charles Gasparino’s Protesters’ Corporate Pals: CEOs clapping loudly for OWS complains that people are supporting Occupy Wall Street more than the Tea Party — and it’s all the media’s fault.

“The elite media has constantly vilified the peaceful Tea Party as right-wing rabble… Meanwhile, politicians, the press — and now CEOs — have generally celebrated Occupy Wall Street as the second-coming of the civil-rights movement — no matter how many times its followers have clashed with police in the name of Mao and Che Guevara.”

“When was the last time you heard [the media] describe the squatters in Zuccotti Park as young and white?”

“Imagine how much the Tea Party would have achieved if it had even half the media support of Occupy Wall Street.”

Fair, balanced, ridiculous.

“Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan said he’s ‘incensed’ by public criticism of his company.”

As of today, I have won as many NFL games in 2011 as the Miami Dolphins (0-6), Indianapolis Colts (0-7) and St. Louis Rams (0-6) combined.

Robinson Cano has two years left on his 4-year contract with the New York Yankees. His agent would like the Yankees to throw away that contract and give him a new one worth a lot more money.

Can you guess who Robinson Cano’s new agent is? I’ll give you a hint: He got the Yankees to throw away Alex Rodriguez’ contract and give him a new one.

Answer: Scott Boras.

The judges also would have accepted “Scum.”

And that’s (the rest of) Thursday.

First, here’s Alan Grayson on The Ed Show dropping science like Galileo dropped the orange:

The Post reprints a huge chunk of Paul Ryan’s repugnant speech from the beginning of that video clip as an op-ed titled How Class Warfare Weakens America.

“That’s the real class warfare that threatens us: a class of bureaucrats and connected crony capitalists trying to rise above the rest of us, call the shots, rig the rules and preserve their place atop society,” said the author of Atlas Shrugged II: The Path to Prosperity.

This seems like a good time to post this:

And now, the Post.

The Ruth Madoff story (the hard-to-read sub-headline is BERNIE & I HAD SUICIDE PACT) is about the 60 Minutes interview she gave (it airs Sunday). In it (on it?) she claims that she and her husband (Bernie) tried to kill themselves on Christmas Eve 2008 while under house arrest.

“‘We had terrible phone calls. Hate mail, just beyond anything… and said “I just can’t go on anymore.”‘ The couple raided their medicine cabinet to concoct a deadly cocktail of drugs, and ended up swallowing whole bottles of pills, including Ambien and possibly Klonopin, Ruth said in the interview taped on Oct. 6 in New York. ‘I took what we had,’ she said. ‘He took more.’”

Even their (alleged) suicide pact is a Ponzi scheme! Ruth ingested all of their pills and her husband took more?

The other EXCLUSIVE front-page story (which erroneously labels the Occupy Wall Street protesters as “anti-rich”) has two pages of follow-up. Selim Algar and Bob Fredericks’ ZUCCOTTI A HELL’S KITCHEN begins, “The Occupy Wall Street volunteer kitchen staff launched a ‘counter’ revolution yesterday — because they’re angry about working 18-hour days to provide food for ‘professional homeless’ people and ex-cons masquerading as protesters.” Remember that sentence.

“A security volunteer added that the cooks felt ‘overworked and underappreciated.’ Many of those being fed ‘are professional homeless people. They know what they’re doing,’ said the guard at the food-storage area.”

“‘Overall security at the park had deteriorated to the point where many frightened female protesters had abandoned the increasingly out-of-control occupation, security-team members said. Rumors swirled that one homeless man had pulled a knife in a dispute the night before  — and that there had been yet another case of groping. But protesters and a cop on duty told The Post that most of the crime goes unreported, because of a bizarre ’stop snitching’ rule. ‘What’s happening in there is staying in there,’ said the cop.”

Rumors from unnamed sources make up the majority of the Post’s “coverage.” But there’s also Daniel Gold and Bob Fredericks’ ACORN taking root again amid protests.

“ACORN’s back — and it’s occupying Wall Street. The reincarnation of defunct New York chapter — a group called New York Communities for Change — is a big supporter of the protesters in Zuccotti Park… ACORN disbanded in 2010 after the release of embarrassing videos showing the group’s workers coaching conservative activists who were posing as clients how to fraudulently obtain benefits and use them to open a brothel.”

Sigh. Really? We’re seriously doing this again? Watch Rachel Maddow explain why that’s not true. Note that she explained this over a year ago.

Part One:

Part Two:

But please, Daniel and Bob, continue.

“Fox News reported yesterday that NYCC has been paying ‘dozens’ of homeless people $10 an hour to sit in Zuccotti Park.” I guess that’s what Selim and Bob meant by “professional homeless people.” (That’s why I told you to remember that sentence.)

There’s also a piece by Andy Campbell that discusses what happened at Occupy Oakland, though the title is somewhat misleading (Iraq vet is injured in Oakland riot). Police are called in to quash riots. There was no riot until the Oakland police showed up and started one.

“A violent clash between protesters and Oakland cops in riot gear left a Marine veteran who served two tours in Iraq in critical condition with a fractured skull.”

“Violent clash” implies both sides were violent. Watch this:

The man lying on the ground is Scott Olsen, 24 (the Iraq vet in the headline). The Post (and the video) claim that Olsen was not shot in the head with a rubber bullet (as was previously reported), but hit in the face with a tear-gas cannister. Would he be in the critical condition he is currently in if police didn’t also lop a flash grenade into the crowd of people coming to his aid? We’ll never know (and Campbell’s omission of the flash grenade from his report means that many Post readers will never know it happened).

“Cops and city officials acknowledged the brutality of the clash but said that the attacks became necessary after protesters threw bottles and rocks at officers.”

I can’t wait to see those videos!

Andy goes on to say that the melee in Oakland comes “as merchants, residents and officials in cities where protests have sprouted up since the movement began in New York last month are increasingly complaining about crime, sanitation woes and disruptions to business.”

He also notes that “Police arrested a man and woman in the Occupy Boston tent city for allegedly selling heroin to an undercover agent.”

Not surprisingly, there is no mention of this.

I have puh-lenty more to write about, but I must away for some rehearsals. Look for Part Two later this evening.

First, a bunch of videos.

Folks on the right like to accuse liberals of “indoctrinating” our nation’s youths. Here is a clip of Glenn Beck explaining an upcoming segment (it starts Monday at 4:00) on GBTV. It’s called the “Liberty Tree House” and it is intended to… indoctrinate our nation’s youths.

“The restoration [of what Glenn counts as true America values] must begin with us teaching it to our youth. That is why we created the Liberty Tree House — a program for you and your kids.”

Is it just me or do the “Liberty Trees” sound a lot like the current Occupy movements? “Before long, most towns and cities had their own Liberty Tree in the town square. The protests continued, eight months after the uprising the Stamp Act was rescinded, the colonists celebrated, but the fight had just begun…”

B’also? I love that the logo on Glenn’s Web site if for “Liberty Treehouse” even though it’s “Liberty Tree House” everywhere else (including the video above).

Here’s Michael Moore on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight. I think the entire interview is worth watching, but here’s the first 15 minutes:

If you can’t wait for Fox’s complaints about the War on Christmas, maybe you’ll enjoy their new War on Halloween:

Man, immigrants ruin everything in this country!

Here’s Lawrence O’Donnell making fun of Donald Trump (again). It’s like a greatest hits album:

And now, the Post.

BADGE BETRAYED

Dirty cops smuggled guns: feds

“A rogue band of NYPD officers moonlighted as gun, cigarette and slot machine smugglers, acting on the orders of a reputedly mob-connected ringleader, the feds charged yesterday.”

“‘Retired cop, active cop, ex-cop, bad guy,’ Brooklyn cop William Masso boasted to an FBI informant of the crew that he could pull together for any crime. ‘You want a guy who beat the shit out of somebody who bothers him, we got that. We got cops with vests and guns,’ Masso, 47, told the informant, according to a criminal complaint. ‘I’m setting up a good army here. A good fuckin’ army,’ said Masso, who on Sept. 22 allegedly drove 20 illegal guns — including M-16 assault rifles — to New York with his NYPD jacket displayed in the window of his car.”

Here’s Masso:

…and here’s nine other folks who were busted along with him:

What really breaks my heart is seeing Mort from the Bazooka Joe comics (bottom left) turn to crime.

Erik Kriss and Sally Goldenberg’s ‘Tax the rich’ union rally: Push to keep state levy is about a rally held yesterday at City Hall by “minority lawmakers and union leaders” who were protesting Gov. Cuomo’s refusal to restore the millionaire’s tax that is set to expire at the end of the year. The quote that Erik and Sally chose to blow up to almost half the size of the article is from state Senate Majority Leader Dean Skelos (R-LI) regarding Alec Baldwin’s support of the tax extension:

“We can’t be influenced by the Alec Baldwins of the world that are just buying a $17 million condo in Greenwich Village — and he’s going to tell us to that we should tax everybody else.”

Actually, Dean, he’s saying that we should tax him. The Democrats proposed keeping the tax only for people who make at least $1,000,000, but the GOP said no. So, actually, it’s the GOP who are shifting the burden to “everybody else.”

Josh Margolin’s EXCLUSIVE (MAYOR ABOARD SUBWAY TO NJ: Supports No. 7 extension to Secaucus) begins, “Mayor Bloomberg is pushing forward with a proposal to extend the No. 7 train to New Jersey and get the project locked in before he leaves City Hall in two years, The Post has learned.”

“With an estimated cost of $10 billion, the project would take a decade to complete.”

Isn’t the MTA currently facing a $10 billion deficit — after raising fares and cutting jobs?

And the MTA’s track record with estimates leads me to think that the project would cost $17 billion and take 17 years to complete.

In O laughs with Leno, Geoff Earle complains, “On a campaign swing through Tinseltown, President Obama derisively compared his Republican opponents to conniving contestants on Survivor.”

Actually, Jay Leno asked him if he had been watching the Republican debates (Obama was a guest on The Tonight Show). Obama replied, “I’m going to wait until everybody is voted off the island. Once they narrow it down to one or two, then I’ll start paying attention.”

How dare Obama refer to the 2012 Republican contenders as conniving contestants!

(turns head slightly to the left)

Oh, look! It’s S.A. Miller’s Perry flattens ‘fat cat’: Rips Mitt on taxes, which begins, “It’s turning into a Republican catfight.”

How dare Miller refer to the 2012 Republican contenders as foxy boxers!

Carl Campanile reports that Italian-Americans are mad at Herman Cain because the Godfather’s Pizza mascot is “a negative portrayal of Italian-Americans.”

Cain’s spokesman J.D. Gordon’s reply: “Mr. Cain often says that America needs a sense of humor. I’ll second it.”

In other words, forget about it.

Correction

“An article published on Oct. 24, 2011, incorrectly stated that the Jonas Brothers ‘kept’ their 2009 opening act, Korean pop group Wonder Girls, in an illegal dorm above a New York studio. In fact, the Jonas Brothers were not responsible for the Wonder Girls’ accommodation, nor were they aware of the band’s living conditions… The Post sincerely regrets the error.”

Oops.

Rebecca Rosenberg, Jamie Schram and Bob Fredericks teamed up to report on the Occupy Wall Street movement in a non-partisan and informative way. Just kidding.

Grubby lowlifes: Rikers cons flood Zuccotti for free eats is all about how Zuccotti Park is filled with “boozy, drug-fueled parties,” “gang activity” and “assault [and] theft.”

There is, however, a kernel of actual news: “The NYPD inspector who pepper-sprayed a protestor has been quietly transferred to an administrative post on Staten Island, The Post has learned. Anthony Bologna had been docked 10 vacation days after he was caught on video spraying teacher’s aide Kaylee Dedrick, 24, in the eyes. His new assignment, as the borough’s special-projects inspector, will ‘get him out of the line of fire,’ a source said.”

1) Note the English spelling of protester (“protestor”).

2) Bologna sprayed way more than one protester.

3) Someone should explain to the NYPD that the public would be more accepting of stories like the one on today’s front page if people like Bologna actually faced consequences for their (very public) criminal actions.

In a related story (that you won’t find anywhere in this horrible newspaper), Occupy Oakland was met with brute force yesterday — they were gassed and (as shown below) shot with rubber bullets by police:

According to Page Six (today on pages 12, 13 and 14), Brett Ratner’s new movie, Tower Heist (co-starring Eddie Murphy), had a premiere at the Ziegfeld Theater on Monday night. Ratner reportedly told the crowd, “They’re [sic] a lot of Jews here tonight, a lot of executives, a lot of gays. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 84th Academy Awards!”

Fun Fact: Eddie Murphy is hosting the 84th Academy Awards and it is being co-produced by… Brett Ratner.

Cindy Adams is still trying to be funny.

“So how bad is the US economy? Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.”

Cindy Adams is still trying.

“A Manhattan couple who kidnapped their eight kids from a Queens foster-care center have copped a plea deal that cuts more than 199 years off their possible prison term, their lawyer said yesterday. Mom Shanel Nadal, 27, and her partner, Nephra Payne, 34… pleaded guilty to two counts of custodial interference, while the more serious charge of kidnapping was dropped.”

They faced up to 25 years for each count of kidnapping. They were each sentenced to… 90 days.

John Podhoretz’ A Pack of Nonsense: Will GOP 2012ers get serious? includes one of the funniest sentences I’ve read in years: “It’s impossible not to like [Herman] Cain.”

I mean, what’s not to like about a guy who says liberals have brainwashed most Black people, wants to completely outlaw abortion — even in cases of rape and incest — and who wears his ignorance of foreign policy as a badge of honor?

Why We Must Lose The Darn 1 Percent is another humorless piece of political humor from Frank J. Fleming, author of the upcoming e-book Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.

“That’s what the wealthiest 1 percent do to us a [sic] nation: It’s just impossible to appreciate our affluence while other people are allowed to have so much more than us.”

“Let’s say you had two apples and another person — let’s call him ‘Rich’ — also had two apples. If you then got one more apple and Rich got 80 more apples, would you now have more apples? No, you’d have fewer apples — fewer than that other guy who has an unfair number of apples!”

It’s so true! Everyone in Zuccotti Park (and around the world) should appreciate their affluence!

Let’s say you don’t know how to use different tenses correctly and have to write some “humor” and you love misrepresenting people who disagree with you — let’s call you Frank J. Fleming. Then let’s say you get violently beaten to death by methed-out gorillas.

Now that’s political humor!

(No, it isn’t. Still, which of the two attempts at humor made you smile more?)

Crude oil is up to $93.17/barrel.

Linda 3Starsi reviews MTV’s Mike Judge’s Beavis and Butt-Head.

“The big problem with bringing B&B back is a that [sic] there’s already an idiot surplus on TV.”

She gives it…

(yawn)

…three stars.

And that’s Wednesday.

See you tomorrow!

“An alert Transportation Security Administration screener at Newark Airport found a ‘bullet’ in a passenger’s luggage — but not the kind that a terrorist might carry. Passenger Jill Filipovic told New York magazine that it was a ‘$15 bullet vibe… about the most basic sex toy you can imagine.’ And, she said, he left her a note on the back of a TSA notice that read, ‘Get your freak on, girl.’”

Actually, he (or she) wrote GET YOUR FREAK ON GIRL according to this photo:

But what infuriates me most about this story is that I trusted the Post when they told me that TSA stands for Transportation Safety Administration. Turns out the S stands for Security.

I regret the error. And the fact that I read the New York Post.

The last sentence is my favorite.

“The city Design Commission yesterday refused to sign off on a $10 million Parks Department pilot project to pave parts of the [Coney Island] boardwalk in cement — a precursor to paving through the entire 2.5-mile walkway except four blocks in the amusement district that would remain wood. After viewing photos showing thousands of cracks in two small sections of the boardwalk recently replaced with cement blocks, commissioners said the cement plan was unattractive.”

“Department officials argued they need a cement pathway to handle emergency vehicles, adding it’s more cost effective and sturdier than wood or plastic planks. But commissioners said there was no evidence to back up these claims.”

S.A. Miller’s It’s do-or-d’Iowa time for Perry notes that “After losing serious ground in the debates and polls, the GOP presidential contender hopes a $175,000 TV ad buy in Iowa, bulked-up campaign staff and hot new flat-tax plan [where everyone pays a flat tax of 20 percent] will reignite his run.”

Surprisingly (I write sarcastically), there is no mention of this:

As for his TV ad, I doubt it will be as hilarious as this one for Herman Cain (wait until Mr. Block stops talking and try not to laugh):

“A Long Island couple dreaming of cashing in on the Occupy Wall Street protests has filed for trademark rights to the movement’s name so they can peddle bumper stickers, T-shirts, beach bags and other gear bearing the OWS logo. Robert and Diane Maresca paid $975 for the application filed with the US Patent and Trademark Office on Oct. 18. Robert said he might even share some of the profits he could make with the protesters — if he can figure out who to give the money to.”

I told a cat about this. This was his response:

They might give some of the money to the protesters?

Someone please file for trademark rights to “Robert and Linda Maresca.” You could sell T-shirts with this picture of Robert on them:

Just erase the chicken-scratch on the piece of paper he’s holding and add I AM A JERK and an arrow pointing at his misshapen head.

From Laura Italiano and Frank Rosario’s DA to offer deal on arrests:

“Manhattan prosecutors are planning to offer a deal to 340 Occupy Wall Street protesters that would dismiss the charges if they stay out of trouble for six months, a lawyer representing some of the demonstrators said yesterday. The deal would apply only to those-issued desk-appearance tickets — but exclude more than 300 others who were charged with a misdemeanor or issued a summons, said the lawyer, Martin Stolar, one of the National Lawyers Guild members volunteering to represent protesters ree [sic] of charge.”

I can only hope that the other 339 protesters are as brave as Lauren Digioia, 26, who was charged with disorderly conduct. Her response? “The police were wrong, their actions were unjust. If I have to go to court to fight this, I will.”

And the whole world will watch.

Andy Soltis’ Sharia-lite for Libya begins, “Libya’s new leader backed off his vow to govern the country according to strict Islamic Sharia law. ‘I want to assure the international community that we, as Libyans, are moderate Muslims,’ Mustapha Abdel Jalil said yesterday.”

You may remember Mr. Jalil from yesterday’s paper, when he was referred to as Mustafa Abdul-Jalil. Anybody think his addendum will prevent Michael Goodwin and/or Andrea Peyser from warning us that Libya is going to turn into a radical nation?

Me neither.

“Afghan President Hamid Karzai sought to distance himself yesterday from remarks he made saying Afghanistan would back Pakistan against the United States if the two ever went to war.”

The editing on this clip is awful, so I’m not entirely sure that Karzai said what everyone claims he said:

On the other hand, Karzai is a scumbag. So let’s just assume he did.

According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), Demi Lovato, 19, has gotten back together with Wilmer Valderrama, 31, and was “making out all night” at Seth MacFarlane’s birthday party.

Remember when Wilmer was dating Lindsay Lohan? Hey! That reminds me! Remember Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s absentee father? Guess what! He got arrested again! For the hilarious reason why, read this article on TMZ.com: “Mike Lohan’s Ex — He Attacked Me ‘Cause I Wouldn’t Perform Oral Sex“

There’s a link in the article to the actual police report, which provides Michael’s version of events (including this gem: “[Kate Major] did not want Michael to ejaculate inside her. Michael Lohan stated he did ejaculate in her and his girlfriend got very angry.”).

Poor Lindsay Lohan.

“A third Pee-wee movie’s coming down. Judd Apatow producing. Who plays Pee-wee, who knows? Maybe Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.”

Is Cindy Adams:

a) kidding?

b) serious?

c) having a stroke?

d) the bane of my existence?

Answer: Get in the box.

Andy Campbell and Amber Sutherland’s Pack it in!: City targets cop’s cheap cigs begins, “A Lower East Side tobacco shop co-owned by an NYPD captain is by illegally peddling smokes for less than $6 a pack, city officials say.”

That’s almost a sentence.

The captain’s name is John Kimball. Here’s a photo of him:

Jennifer Fermino and Helen Freund report that “The MTA — inundated with complaints about overflowing garbage and nibbling rats on subway platforms — is trashing trash cans at several stations, part of an effort to curtail the massive amounts of rodent-luring rubbish left in the system every day.”

Fun Fact: The “several” stations are “the 8th Street Station in the Village and Flushing/Main Street in Queens.”

“To tell straphangers about the new policy — which has been in effect in the two stations for a few weeks — officials said they handed out fliers and hung posters… One guy at Main Street dumped his trash into the corner where the can used to be, oblivious to the fact that he’d just littered.”

Sounds like a success to me! Great work, MTA!

Jennifer and Helen would also like you to know that “Riders leave behind ann [sic] astonishing 40 tons of trash every day underground.”

Well, more trash cans certainly aren’t the answer, right?

Rich Lowry writes, “When President Obama took the podium last Friday to abruptly announce the imminent end of the Iraq War… [he] was the same as the Obama of the Democratic primaries, with his heedlessly irresponsible commitment to a hasty retreat from Iraq. Back then, he was only capable of vaporous posturing.”

Actually, Rich, it was George W. Bush who made the commitment to have our troops out by the end of 2011. Obama actually wanted to amend that commitment to allow some troops to stay but Iraq said no.

The Post pays Rich to write about current events — he isn’t obligated to understand them.

This is kind of funny.

On the left side of page 22, there’s the editorial Grabbing Guns — for Real. It begins, “The mindless murder of a Brooklyn mother [Zurana Horton, 34] on a Brownsville street last Friday should teach a little humility to critics of the NYPD’s stop-and-frisk effort to cleanse the city of illegal guns.”

Fun Fact: We don’t know who killed Horton, or if the gun that shot her is illegal. So it’s weird that the Post would conclude that Horton would still be alive if the police were stopping and frisking more people on a regular basis.

But what makes their assertion funny (to me, anyway) are the letters directly to the right of the editorial — under the heading Biden’s Rape & Murder Cry: He’s Doing Obama’s Bidding.

Manhattan’s Sam King writes, “Biden’s repeated threat that crime rates will rise if we oppose stimulus pay for municipal workers definitely uses fear tactics.” Um… any threat is a fear tactic, Sam. That’s why it’s called a threat.

Cincinnati’s Paul Bloustein writes, “Biden is at it again, claiming that if we don’t support Obama’s jobs plan, we favor increased rates of rape and murder.” I wonder if Paul will write to complain about today’s editorial that claims that if we don’t support more “aggressive street-crime policing,” we favor increased rates of murder.

Bonus Points: Apple Valley, California’s Dan Jeffs writes, “Biden’s campaigning for the president’s jobs bill in front of 4th-graders is an invitation to expose the liberal indoctrination of students from elementary school to college.” Oh, please accept that invitation, Dan. Please expose the liberal indoctrination of our children! You’re our only hope!

Scott Gottlieb (“a physician and American Enterprise Institute resident fellow”) writes the op-ed Slashing Doc Pay: Making US rates more like Europe’s. It begins, “A key government panel voted this month to whack what Medicare pays most doctors to treat patients. It’s an important step on the path to ObamaCare — because the only way to make European-style health entitlements work in America is to pay US doctors lower European wages. This is going to hurt doctors — and hit patients even harder, as American physicians scale down their medical practices to adapt to the lower pay rates.”

Wait… if doctors are paid less, wouldn’t that make them want to expand their practices? B’also? The American Enterprise Institute is not the most reliable of sources.

Crude oil is back up to $91.27/barrel.

Back in the day: TV celebs confess their youthful obsessions lists the childhood passions of various stars. For example, Anthony Bourdain loved Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention (“They played great music and were not above a good poo joke.”) and Brian Williams loved The Monkees (“My favorite was Michael Nesmith”).

Also asked about their youthful obsessions were Victoria Justice (“Pokemon cards!”) and Sarah Hyland (“Sabrina the Teenage Witch“).

Fun Fact: Victoria is 18 years old. Sarah is 20.

Great reporting, Maxine Shen!

And that’s Tuesday.

See you tomorrow!