Posts Tagged ‘China’

We were swamped at work and I didn’t get a chance to catch my breath until well into the afternoon. Even if I hadn’t forgotten my lunch at home, I wouldn’t have been able to eat until 4:00 at the earliest. But by then I had gone beyond hunger. Ever been there? When you wait so long to eat that you no longer feel like eating? It’s like your hunger fed on itself until it disappeared.

So I decided that I wouldn’t run out and get something awful in the area (the deli around the corner makes a semi-competent egg sandwich; the owner of the deli two doors down is still mad at me because I refused to comp him a doctor’s appointment; the Chinese buffet next door makes Panda Express look like Shun Lee; the Burger King next door is a Burger King). Instead, I’d wait until we closed at 9:00, hightail it to Zito’s Sandwich Shoppe on 7th Avenue (in Brooklyn, not Manhattan) and get my new most favoritest sandwich ever: The 8-Hour Slow-Cooked Pork Bracciole.

It’s a butterflied loin of pork (from Faicco’s!) stuffed with provolone, garlic, parsley and a pinch of bread crumbs, covered in their deceptively simple tomato sauce, and sprinkled with parmigianno reggiano — all served on a perfect hero (from Brooklyn’s own Il Fornaretto Bakery!). It’s absolutely amazing.

Zito’s closes at 10:00, but I called them at around 8:00 and asked when they stopped taking orders. “10:00 p.m.” Perfect. If I left work at 9:00, I’d be between the Carroll Street station and the 4th Avenue and Ninth Street station (which is an area that gets great cell reception as it isn’t in a tunnel) by 9:45. I’d call in my order and arrive at Zito’s by 10:00 at the absolute latest.

I wasn’t hungry until around 8:30, but from the moment I devised my plan I could only think of that sandwich and how good it would taste when I ate it with my face.

A patient arrived at 8:15, so I started tidying and closing down what I could. He was on his way by 8:50 and I considered calling in my order and telling them that I’d be there in an hour. “Nah,” I thought. “No need. My plan is foolproof.”

Cut to 9:30, when we actually locked up.

I calmly walked to the R train, frantically doing math problems in my head (what if I get off the train just before 10 and call in the order and then get back on the train — would that work?). I didn’t see myself getting a sandwich. So I started considering the places near Zito’s that would still be open. Mediocre pizza, horrendous Mexican, Dunkin’ Donuts, Rite Aid… nothing really tickled my fancy. Then I heard the R train coming. I raced down the stairs and then raced up the other stairs (I hate you, Cortland Street station) and made it onto the Brooklyn-bound R. I looked at my watch phone. It was 9:35.

“Hmmm… I could get to Jay Street by 9:48… if there’s an F train there by 9:53, my plan will still work!”

I maneuvered through the train so that I was standing exactly where the entrance to the escalator at Jay Street would soon be. When we arrived at the station, I hurriedly climbed the escalator (it’s like walking fast on an airport treadmill except not fun and it makes me wheeze). In all the time I’ve made this commute, there has never been an F train waiting for me at Jay Street. Tonight, there was. At the doors closed as soon as I started down the steps toward it. A crazy person was loudly trying to seduce a morbidly obese station agent as she pretended to sweep the floor. It offered me no succor. I would arrive home sandwichless.

An F came about 10 minutes later. When we were finally out of the tunnel, I called Zito’s. It was 10:02.

“Zito’s, how can I help you?”

“He wants to help me!” I thought. “A place that wasn’t taking orders wouldn’t offer me assistance!” I tried to hide my giddyness from the dead-in-the-eyes commuters surrounding me. “Are you still taking orders?” I asked.

“Sorry, no. We’re no longer taking delivery orders. We stop at 10. Have a good night.”

***

But… but… what of his offer of help? What did he expect me to ask for that he would have been able to aid me with? “Would it be possible for me to not order a sandwich?” I was gutted. But then I had another thought. They aren’t taking delivery orders, but what of pick-ups? What of pick-ups? We were back underground, but I started to feverishly imagine various scenarios wherein I exit the subway and call and ask to make a pick-up order and am told, “Sure thing!” or that I arrive just as they’re about to throw away a pile of unclaimed but perfectly OK sandwiches or that I appeal to the kindness of Zito and he smiles and nods and hands me the sandwich that he had been saving for me all along.

[Full Disclosure: I don't think anyone who works at Zito's is named Zito.]

I started walking towards the shop and saw their sign was still illuminated. “That’s a good sign,” I thought. Then I thought about what a horrible pun that was and winced. I crossed the street and approached their door. As I did, I noticed people sitting and eating. Then, as I was about to reach for the knob (and feign surprise when I found it locked), someone opened it to take out the trash. I saw my opportunity and seized it.

The first employee who saw me wasn’t any of the three guys behind the counter. They all had their backs turned to me and were dealing with various closing duties. No, the one who immediately took notice of me was one of the cooks. He had a slight note of “you’ve got to be kidding me” on his face. I smiled weakly at him and waited by the register. Finally, someone turned around and asked if he could help me.

“Can I get a sandwich to go?”

He looked at the cook, then at his register, then at me — all while wearing a mask of “please notice that I am trying to make it clear that you cannot.”

I would accept a “no,” but he would have to say it to me. I wouldn’t say it to myself. At this point I was getting deliriously hungry.

“…OK,” he surrendered. The cook rolled his eyes. I didn’t care.

I sat down to wait. I could hear various people saying, “I told him not to take out the trash yet” and “lock the damn door” and “we’re supposed to be closed by now” and “what is wrong with him?” I went from fearing that I cost someone their job to wondering if the last remark was directed at me to not caring about anything except bracciole. In fact, I started imaging the man getting killed by his co-workers for unknowingly letting me in and, at his peasant funeral, a rockslide wiping his entire family out. I imagined everyone at Zito’s pointing and laughing at me for being so pathetic that I needed to swindle my way into a meal. None of it mattered to me. I just wanted my dinner.

After what seemed like two minutes (but might have been three), I was handed my sandwich. I profusely thanked the man who handed it to me. Then I profusely thanked the man who unlocked the door to let me out. I almost started to cry.

It took me another 25 minutes to get home, but I didn’t care. As soon as I walked in the front door, I washed my hands, ripped open the foil and paper casing and did unspeakable, inhuman things to my first real meal of the day (the semi-competent egg sandwich I ate at 8:00 a.m. doesn’t count).

You know what? This would be a terrible movie.

The two pages of follow-up (GOONS OCCUPY BRAWL STREET) tell the story of a “deranged homeless man” going “on a violent, early-morning rampage yesterday.”

“The only thing that could stop Jeremy Clinch from his Godzilla-like rampage was a left hook delivered by a paranoid fellow protester who claimed to be an ex-Turkish diplomat — and charged that his assailant was carrying out a plot hatched by Mayor Bloomberg.”

“It was just the type of increasingly violent incident that has downtown residents — already bombarded by megaphones, incessant drumming, graffiti and public urination — feeling on edge as the OWS takeover of Zuccotti Park enters its third month.”

Isn’t it amazing that Kevin Fasick (or KEVINFASICK as the byline reads) was there at just the right time to videotape the fight (it’s on the Post’s Web site)? Saki Knafo thinks not. Read his rebuttal here.

Todd Venezia, Danny Gold and Carl Campanile join forces to write Mama’s boys on the rise, which begins, “Forget about ‘Go west, young man’ — today the battle cry for the younger generation is ‘Move back in with Mama!’”

“The epidemic of mama’s boys has struck both New York City and the country as a whole, as the terrible economy and massive unemployment have forced grown men back into their childhood bedrooms.”

I blame gay marriage.

Andy Soltis finally gets around to reporting on Occupy Oakland — can you guess what he focuses on? The headline offers a strong hint: Pressure cooker pops in Oakland. It begins, “More than 80 Occupy Oakland protesters were arrested yesterday after a peaceful rally turned into a violent postmidnight [sic] clash between police and masked, fire-setting, concrete-tossing vandals.”

“Hundreds of police officers flooded the area, two blocks from an Occupy encampment and fired tear-gas and deafening ‘flash bang’ grenades.”

The 16th paragraph (of 19): “Police were almost invisible during most of Wednesday as crowds of up to 7,000 people marched and rallied in what was described as a general strike.”

Thanks for the condescending acknowledgement, Andy!

Kevin Fasick is back (with Bob Fredericks) for more anti-OWS fun on page 7 with SACHS AND SEX ADD TO INSANITY.

“It’s gone from simple chaos to sheer madness. The violence and depravity continued to mount at the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, as cops busted 16 people for blocking the entrance to Goldman Sachs and an Alabama woman came forward to report another sick sex attack at Zuccotti Park.”

If you are a woman who say someone sexually harassed you in Zuccotti Park, the Post will champion you. But if you say you were sexually harassed by Herman Cain, you’re a liar and proof that liberals are racists.

Speaking of which…

“[Cain's chief of staff Mark] Block said he wants to ‘move on’ with the campaign, adding, ‘Let’s get over these things that don’t mean anything to the American public.”

“Cain kept up his defiant stance yesterday in a Daily Caller interview with Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. ‘That is the DC culture: guilty until proven innocent,’ Cain vented.”

Cain, who says he refuses to play the race card (despite insisting that all opposition to his 9-9-9 plan and all accusations of sexual harassment are based in racism), decided to sit down for an interview with the wife of Clarence Thomas — who called his confirmation hearings “a high-tech lynching for uppity Blacks.” Let’s watch Thomas say that in an ad for Herman Cain (who refuses to play the race card):

91-year-old Coney Island Bialys and Bagels was going to go out of business, but it was saved by… “Muslim businessmen Peerzada Shah and Zafaryab Ali.”

Muslims? Running a kosher bagelry? Now I’ve seen everything!

“LA Dr. Gregg Homer has conjured up a new procedure that uses a laser to permanently change brown eyes into blue ones — and has even started testing on human subjects.”

He said he got the idea from Josef Mengele.

“A brave Brooklyn woman stared down the man who allegedly raped her, as the alleged attacker, acting as his own lawyer, sat in court at his rape trial yesterday. Adam Wright is charged with raping the woman in the elevator room on the roof of her Canarsie apartment building in 2002 — when she was 12 years old… The woman testified for the prosecution yesterday and is expected to face Wright’s cross-examination today.”

There ought to be a law against that.

“Country singer Keith Urban said yesterday he’ll undergo throat surgery to remove a polyp on his vocal chords.”

That’s what he’s telling people but, really, he just needs a break from constantly denying that his wife’s plastic surgery is horrible.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), “Richie Sambora last night confirmed that he and Denise Richards have rekindled their romance.”

I wish them both the best during the next two to four months.

Today, Cindy Adams complains about holidays and hotels.

“Why’s a hanger clamped in? Who ever stole a hanger? That’s like locking a toilet. You know anyone ever stole a piece of poop?” Die.

“I’m hearing more holidays may be coming down: In 1930, Herbert Hoover stubbed his toe, shouted ‘Dam’ and they built one. Shouldn’t that be remembered? People ran for tickets when Powerball lottery hit more than $200 mil, although winning chances were 80 million-to-1. Same odds as Jennifer Lopez giving birth to Richard Simmons’ love child. Shouldn’t such a moment be enshrined?”

Four people are credited with GIVING UP THE ‘BIEBY’: ‘Justin’ vixen mulled adoption. They could have really used a fifth.

“‘She didn’t know if she was going to keep him,’ Samra Fae Stepper told The Post at her Fredericksburg, Va., home… ‘We kept asking about the father, but I didn’t press it,’ said Stepper, whose brother Anthony Simeonoff is Yeater’s stepdad.”

Fascinating.

There’s yet still more OWS-bashing from Rich Lowry on page 31 (It’ll Only Get Uglier: ‘Occupy’ primed for violence).

“It’s become clear during the past few weeks that there is a lawlessness at the heart of Occupy Wall Street. It has created little ungoverned spaces in cities around the country, into which homeless people, addicts and criminals have flowed.”

“Mere protests probably won’t satisfy the movement, though. It is a self-styled ‘occupation,’ which inherently involves taking what is not yours. It’s already ugly and will probably get more so.”

Actually, the movement is about taking back what was stolen from us. But we’ve established that you only write about current events — you rarely understand them.

And the rest of page 31 is devoted to Charles C.W. Cooke’s In New York, the Enablers Wake Up.

“There’s increasing concern that the authorities have made a rod for their own backs. ‘Are we seriously suggesting that if a jihadist or neo-Nazi group moved in, they’d have been indulged like this?’ one [community] board member asked pointedly.”

Occupy Wall Street ≠ jihadists. Occupy Wall Street ≠ neo-Nazis. And what the Hell does “made a rod for their own backs” mean?

The editorial Call the Cops, Mike is also about “the very real possibility that even greater OWS violence… will soon bubble up here.” But the Post offers a completely rational solution: “Send in the NYPD to lance the Zuccotti Park boil. Before it’s too late.”

Don’t mince words. Tell us how you really feel, terrible newspaper.

Manhattan’s Vivian Riffelmacher writes, “It’s time to send in the troops to clear out Tiananmen Square — I mean Zuccotti Park. We believe in freedom of speech and all that stuff, but protesters should never be such a nuisance.”

Um… Vivian? If Zuccotti Park is Tiananmen Square, does that mean the NYPD are anti-democracy?

Crude oil is back up to $94.07/barrel.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives three and a half stars to Tower Heist (“cunningly engineered”), three stars to Killing Bono (“a charming admixture [sic] of Goodfellas and Almost Famous“), and two and a half stars to Pianomania (“an enticing but flawed character study”).

Lou Lumenick gives one star to The Son of No One (“a laughable police melodrama… ineptly written and directed”), and three stars to both A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (“there are moments of brilliance”) and The Last Rites of Joe May (“Dennis Farina gives one of the best performances of the year”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to Young Goethe in Love (sex, violence) and three stars to Charlotte Rampling: The Look (nudity).

Linda 3Starsi reviews Logo’s Bad Sex.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Friday.

Awww… but they seemed so vapid together…

“After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best,” said Kim in a prepared statement.

But her husband, Kris Humphries, allegedly found out about the divorce via Twitter. He released a counter-statement: “I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce. I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.” Poor Kris Humphries. He thinks there’s still a chance that his sham marriage can be saved.

“‘It was pretty much an arranged marriage right from the start,’ a Keeping up [sic] with the Kardashians insider told RadarOnline. ‘Kim was looking for a husband, and Kris was selected for her, amongst others,’ the insider said. ‘She wasn’t into him, but she hoped she would be able to develop some feelings, but it never happened.’” Poor Kris Humphries.

So if we take the $17,000,000 the couple (allegedly) made for their sham wedding and divide it first by the 72 days they were married, and then in half, they each earned roughly $118,055.56 for every day they spent as husband and wife.

The Post includes a list of “10 things longer than Kim’s marriage” that they selected from Twitter. Number 10 is “Minute rice.” HAHAHAHAHAHA… wait. That doesn’t make any sense. “Minute rice’s cooking time” makes sense, but “Minute rice” doesn’t.

Andrea Peyser gets in her licks with For richer, or richer: Inevitable collapse of a scam marriage, which begins, “She’s a fame whore for hire who became fabulously wealthy not for her looks, brains, sex appeal or talent. But for the super-sized quality of her protruding butt.” Um… that could actually be considered sex appeal, Mandrea.

“He’s tall, dark, athletic and exceptionally, stupendously, over-the-top dumb. The only mystery remaining is how any human so lacking in brain function could summon the ability to walk upright.” Poor Kris Humphries.

“It was a pairing born in an agent’s office, and spawned in amoral Hollywood… The marriage was nothing more than a profitable scam, one bought by heavy-set romantics who live their entire lives hoping for a shot at getting into bed with a Hump-Dashian.” Fat people are horny and stupid, and Hollywood is made up entirely of amoral (read: gay) liberal scum. Duly noted, ugly harridan.

“But within days [of the marriage], Humphries found himself on an airplane across the aisle from his wife’s sex-tape partner, Ray J. The worst came when Humphries didn’t punch the guy in the face.” Yeah, that part was the worst!

I can’t wait for Peyser’s divorce.

Scarlett Johansson told Vanity Fair that the leaked photos of her were from three years ago and were sent to her then-husband, Ryan Reynolds.

“She also said for the first time that she was the one who snapped the two nude photos.”

The Post neglects to mention that, in one of the two photos, she is clearly taking the picture of herself — as evidenced by the mirror she’s standing in front of.

The page 3 EXCLUSIVE by Laura Italiano, Frank Rosario and Bob Fredericks (OCCUPY ‘BALL’ STREET: Rush for STD tests) explains that “Occupy Wall Street protesters are flocking to nearby health clinics for STD and HIV testing after getting their freak on in ’60s-style hookups with crusty strangers, sources told The Post yesterday.”

In a related story, sources told me yesterday that everyone at the Post is required to insert a turnip in their rectum upon entering the office. And at the end of the day, the editorial staff makes a big pot of turnip soup that everyone eats before going home. And that everyone there is crusty.

“Also yesterday, a man [Felix Rivera-Pitre] who was punched in the head by a [sic] NYPD deputy inspector met with prosecutors to try to have the cop charged with misdemeanor assault.” To paraphrase Yoda, dear prosecutors, there is no try. Only do or do not. So do.

Geoff Earle reports on President Obama’s recent physical: “The president’s 10-year chance of heart disease stands at just 2 percent. He also screened negative for other top killers, like colon cancer.”

In other words, he’s healthy.

“The ‘Taxi of Tomorrow,’ unveiled by officials yesterday, includes a magic ceiling that absorbs all odors that leave New Yorkers holding their noses. The fresher-smelling ride comes courtesy of eco-friendly compounds added to the ceiling, said a rep for Nissan, which is designing the state-of-the-art taxi.”

To the Post, eco-friendly compounds = magic. Which helps explain why they portray environmentalists as hippie imbeciles.

Geoff Earle’s CAIN FEELING HEAT: Calls sex-harass charges ‘witch hunt’ quotes Herman Cain as saying, “This bull’s-eye on my back has gotten bigger. We have no idea about the source of this witch hunt.”

But we’re talking about Herman Cain, so naturally he changed his tune later that day.

Cain also said, “I’ll never know why Jesus came to love me so.” Presumably because he knows he’s going to Hell when he dies.

And he denied having any knowledge of a settlement. “I am unaware of any sort of settlement. I hope it wasn’t for much, because I didn’t do anything. It couldn’t have been very much money, or I would have had to know about it.” This paper was printed Monday night so by the time people started reading it, Cain had already amended his story to saying the women got two months’ salary. Later that day, he changed it to a full year’s salary (after more reputable media made that information public). But rather than show you clips of him talking nonsense, here’s a clip of other people talking nonsense for him.

“Can’t police no underwear.”

Page Six is on pages 10 and 11 today.

Cindy Adams remains hilarious.

“So she says to her boyfriend: ‘Talk dirty to me,’ and the guy says: ‘Madoff.’”

You know what would be even more hilarious? Cindy Adams’ remains.

Remember when Deputy Senate Majority Leader Thomas Libous (R-Binghamton) said he’d consider backing an extension to the millionaires tax (he called it “thinking outside the box”)? That was 13 days ago. Since then, the GOP made it clear that that wasn’t an option, so he went on Albany’s Talk 1300 AM radio to publicly change his mind.

“I am unequivocally against it. Thinking outside the box may include a lot of other things… We should stand firm [against the millionaires tax].”

Power to (a very small percentage of) the people!

Erik Kriss’s (EXCLUSIVE) State’s GOP in hell-rai$er begins, “While unionized state workers are getting hit with three years of wage freezes, and Gov. Cuomo and his top aides are taking 5 percent wage hikes, state Senate Republicans are doling out pay hikes to most of their Capitol staffers, The Post has learned. The pay increases, as the state struggles with budget cuts and falling revenues, average 6 percent and are worth nearly $1 million on an annual basis… Senate payroll records show that 19 Republican staffers who make six-figure salaries received raises — including the son of Sen. Hugh Farley (R-Schenectady).”

“Senate Democratic and Assembly staffers have not received raises this year.”

Remember the first sentence of this article.

The maid (Mildred Patricia Baena) who had Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child (Joseph Baena) took him to Fright Night at Six Flags Magic Mountain. He went in costume…

…as Conan the Barbarian.

His father wore it better.

“Chinese scientists believe they’ve found a way to make blood from rice. The medical advantage is that, unlike donated human blood, it won’t be able to transmit diseases.”

Would they use brown rice for minorities?

John Podhoretz’s Selfish book worms: Ruth & Bernie’s new disgrace is a half-page complaint about all of the attention the Madoffs have been getting recently. “The Madoffs are dull. The boys are dull. Their women are dull. The crooked father is dull. The mother/wife is dull.”

Having read the 17 Madoff-related articles the Post has published in the last two weeks, I wholeheartedly agree.

There are two editorials today.

Ambushing Herman Cain is notable only for this sentence: “Anonymous ’sexual harassment’ charges have been exhumed against [Cain] by Politico, the left-tilting, Web-centric press organization.”

Rather than respond myself, here’s something David Feldman posted on Facebook a few days ago: “Politico broke the Herman Cain sexual harassment story. Which means the story was leaked from within the GOP. It did not come from the DNC. Here’s why: Politico is owned by Robert Allbritton. Allbritton has extensive ties to the CIA and was Pinochet’s banker as well as the Saudi’s. Allbritton’s bank was pretty much shut down, and he had to pay multi million dollar fines in 2004 for money laundering. Politico, like Fox News, has the veneer of objectivity but it is in fact an arm of the right wing propaganda machine. Cain’s sexual harassment story came from within the wing of the GOP that wants Romney.”

The other editorial is Zuccotti Anarchy. Here are some excerpts:

“The protesters are taking a perverse pride in refusing to cooperate with authorities — organized crime’s ‘omerta’ tradition resonates — but the romance of that will evaporate quickly enough when the serious injuries start to pile up.”

“Among the drugs apparently being abused in the park is crystal meth — in its own way, a violence vector akin to what crack was two decades ago. Apart from that, the Zuccotti Park encampment has been attracting the emotionally disturbed, petty criminals and garden-variety vagrants all along.”

“Just as one may not falsely shout fire in the proverbial crowded theater, the First Amendment may not be properly be used to cover for a crime wave.”

“The Occupy Wall Street squat-in has passed its sell-by date — at least in its present form.”

That last part made me do a double-take. For the first time, the Post intimates that there is a modicum of value to the OWS movement. Will it last?

[SPOILER: No.]

There’s also an op-ed from Karol Markowicz about Herman Cain titled Why This Guy’s No Sexual Harasser. Her argument is that she worked for him in 2004 and he didn’t sexually harass her. And, really, who could resist Karol?

Her whole argument is that Cain is well-spoken and influential. But if you get to the 12th (of 14) paragraph, you’ll see this: “None of this means that a well-spoken, influential man can’t also be a sexual harasser.”

I want my five minutes back.

“Phoenix [Coyotes] forward Raffi Torres is being criticized for wearing blackface while dressed as rapper Jay-Z at a Halloween party.” Here’s a picture of Torres (and his wife, Gianna Santeramo-Torres, dressed as Beyoncé — also in blackface) at that party:

“The Coyotes issued a statement denouncing the reaction or claims that Torres is racist.”

Not the decision to wear blackface (and blackarms and blacklegs), but the reaction to that decision.

Yet another reason to not care about hockey!

As of today, I have won the same number of 2011 NFL games as the Miami Dolphins (0-7) and the Indianapolis Colts (0-8).

And that’s Tuesday.

More to come…

BREAKING NEWS: President Obama announced today that all U.S. forces will be pulled out of Iraq by the end of the year.

I knew I was going to vote for Obama in 2012, but I had no idea that I’d be doing it proudly.

The Post has never been accused of being classy, but they kind of outdid themselves today. I mean, I expected some awful pun (ALIVE NO MOAMMORE or KHADEATHY or KHORPSE!) but KHADAFY KILLED BY YANKEE FAN: Gunman had more hits than A-Rod? With a full-color photo of his bloody corpse? Even I wasn’t expecting that.

Andy Soltis’ follow-up on page 4 (MOAMMAR GETS YANKEE-CAPPED) tells us that “Moammar Khadafy, the vile dictator… was heroically erased from the earth yesterday — apparently by a young gun-slinging Yankee fan.”

I guess wearing the hat makes him a fan. By that logic, this kid loves Samsung…

…this guy adores The Color Purple…

…and this guy is a big fan of the musical Hair…

…actually, that last one might be accurate.

One of the sub-headlines of this piece is • Tyrant pulled from sewer & beaten, but if you make it to the 26th paragraph you’ll learn that “There were plenty of questions still to answer. According to some anti-Khadafy fighters, his final act took place in an opulent compound and didn’t involve a sewer at all.”

This is a horrible newspaper.

There’s also a photo on page 7 captioned “LIBERATED: Libyan women in Tripoli salute their newfound freedom as they celebrate Khadafy’s death.”

I’m not so sure. I think they’re just excited about their new car.

Also on page 7 (in a piece by Geoff Earle) is a quote from “Michael Singh, a former Bush security aide now at the Washington Institute for Near East Studies.” Michael says, “Clearly the president is going to try to turn [the deaths of Osama bin Laden, Anwar al-Awlaki and Moammar Khadafy] into a narrative that says: Look I’m strong on national security. Does it amount to a successful foreign policy? Frankly, I don’t think it does.”

Shut up, Michael.

Fun Facts: Khadafy created his own calendar for Libya (he changed January to Ayn al-Nar, which means “where is the fire?”) and had a plan to reunite Israel and Palestine into a single country (which he called Isratine).

“After recently discovering Brookyln’s ‘fine-ass dining’ scene, GQ magazine designated the borough ‘the coolest city on the planet’ in its upcoming November issue.”

OMG! Does this mean all of the hipsters will move out of Williamsburg now?

“Lindsay Lohan, fresh off a judge’s tongue-lashing for blowing off community service, remarkably missed her court-ordered gig at the Los Angeles morgue yesterday. The train-wreck occasional actress showed up 40 minutes late for an orientation class, according to coroner’s officials, who told her to turn around and come back to the morgue today — hopefully on time.” So why was she late, Lindsay’s publicist?

“‘Her lateness was due to a combination of not knowing what entrance to go through and confusion caused by the media waiting for her arrival,’ said Lohan’s publicist, Steve Honig.”

You know, maybe Lindsay wouldn’t need to go to Europe to earn money if she didn’t have to pay a publicist.

Poor Cindy Adams.

“Michael Douglas’ troubled son [Cameron Douglas] — who beat a mandatory 10-year prison stretch for drugs by ratting out his dealers — pleaded guilty to possession yesterday after getting caught with drugs [Suboxone and heroin] in a downtown jail over the weekend.”

“His nonbinding plea deal on the new rap recommends up to 18 more months behind bars, but [Manhattan federal Judge Richard] Berman warned Douglas that he still faces a maximum of 20 years.”

He’ll serve six. Tops.

Page Six (today on pages 16 and 17) features a photo of Katherine Heigl pumping gas.

She looks just like what I think of her.

On the 18th, Cindy Adams kvetched, “Listen, how about we all get together and stop ever and forever writing about Lindsay Lohan.” I asked how many days would go by before she wrote about Lindsay Lohan again.

The correct answer is three.

“False hair we do not even mention. Every Lindsay Lohan court date, it’s another color and length. Short, cropped, bobbed, long, ponytail, extensions down the back, brown, blond, brunette, red, curly, straight. Unreal. Like her alibis.”

Listen, how about we all get together and stop ever and forever reading Cindy’s column. Ah, who am I kidding? If we stopped reading Cindy’s column, where would we find wit like this: “Word is Viagra wants to merge with a soft drink that guarantees: ‘Not only 7 Up — stay up!’”

“Despite a campaign-style push this week by President Obama, the Senate last night scuttled pared-back jobs legislation aimed at helping state and local governments avoid lay-offs of teachers and firefighters… The 50-50 motion came on a motion to simply take up the bill and fell well short of the 60 needed to break a filibuster.”

What was it the GOP promised us again? Oh, right: Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

From Josh Saul’s Zuccotti neighbors: Stop dumping on us:

“‘They’re defecating on our doorsteps,’ fumed [Community Board 1] member Catherine Hughes, a stay-at-home mom who lives one block from the protest. ‘The cowbells start at 4 a.m. and the drumming goes past 10 a.m. A lot of people are very frustrated. A lot of people are concerned about the safety of our kids.”

The Internet is amazing. For example, it only took me 30 seconds to find this.

And that article (and accompanying video) lets us know that her family lives on the 14th floor of their building. And that their building has a doorman, so the odds of someone shitting in front of it is kind of slim. Also, her 19-year-old should be at college which means that she’s staying home to raise her 15-year-old.

And the same person who called the destruction of the World Trade Center “just part of the fabric of [her then 9- and 5-year-olds] growing up downtown” is now complaining that her now 19- and 15-year-olds are being exposed to protesters in Zuccotti Park?

I also think that she meant to say (and/or the Post meant to write) 10 p.m. (not a.m.), but either way I can’t imagine Ms. Hughes being able to hear anything in her 14th-floor apartment regardless of the time.

Bernie Madoff’s daughter-in-law (Stephanie Madoff) has written a book (The End of Normal) wherein she reveals that her husband (Mark Madoff) was writing a book that would “expose the behind-the-scenes torment he and his family went through because of his dad’s crimes” in the days before he killed himself. Stephanie also wrote to Bernie, hoping to hear how miserable he is in prison.

“‘They call me either Uncle Bernie or Mr. Madoff,’ Bernie wrote his daughter-in-law… ‘I can’t walk anywhere without someone shouting their greetings and encouragement, to keep my spirit up. It’s really quite sweet, how concerned everyone is about my well-being, including the staff… It’s much safer here than walking the streets of New York.’”

But then, if you were being brutally raped every day and made to drink everyone’s urine, you probably wouldn’t tell anyone unless you absolutely had to.

“Red-faced officials at a Florida school are scrambling after unwittingly passing out bracelets adorned with a photo of a naked lady. Kids at Jay Elementary School got the bracelets — with the pics beneath cloth coverings — as a reward for working in a school fundraiser. Only a few students have given back their naughty novelties, manufactured in China.”

Is it even possible for Texas and/or South Carolina to reclaim the mantle of America’s Shame from Florida?

Chuck Bennett’s Taxidermists rush in is a follow-up on the animals who escaped from the Muskingum County Animal Farm. Apparently, Zanesville is filling up with taxidermists who want to make some money from the “18 rare Bengal tigers, 17 lions, six black bears, two grizzlies, a wolf and three mountain lions” that the police have killed so far.

“‘We’ve gotten calls and e-mails about [is] going to happen to the animals…’ ABC News quoted Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz as saying.”

Whose typo do you think that is? Matt’s? ABC News’? Or Chuck’s?

I’m-a say Chuck.

“Gov. Cuomo yesterday named Joseph Lhota, a senior aide to former Mayor Rudy 9iu11ani, to chair the MTA.”

Lhota will be paid 5% less than Jay Walder — just $332,500 a year.

Wouldn’t it be great if they paid MTA chairmen the way they pay some athletes? Like, the base salary is $50,000 but there are incentives like $100,000 for every project that gets completed on time and on- or under-budget.

A boy can dream, can’t I?

First the idiots.

Upper Montclair, New Jersey’s L. O’Berrigan writes, “These lazy, ill-informed, spoiled brats don’t know what a day’s work is — they have their hands out, and the only word that works for them is ‘free.’ Hardworking people are clipping coupons and struggling to pay taxes to foot the bill and feed the anarchists. Thanks a lot, Chef Eric Smith, for doing the cooking.” The food is donated, L. It doesn’t cost you a single penny out of your pocket.

Manhattan’s T. King writes, “If the dinners at Chez Zuccotti are being prepared at a soup kitchen by a professional chef, it’s time that hardworking New Yorkers stop donating to participating organizations and stop patronizing the farms donating the food. They will no longer receive a single penny out of my pocket.” Oh no! Those organizations and farms are really counting on the nothing you’re currently giving them, T!

Staten Island’s Joe DellaCamera writes, “Amazingly, with the time to protest corporate greed and for more financial equality, the demonstrators are eating off five-star menus. Something like this would only happen in America and only come from the left. Can I get a reservation for Saturday night?” Sure! All you have to do is go down to Zuccotti Park and open your mind. But it isn’t really a five-star menu. See, it was the Post (and only the Post) that called it a five-star menu — even though their food critic said it was far from it.

It’s getting late, so I’ll just thank Fresh Meadows’ Ron Isaac and Oceanside’s Tony Giametta for their eloquent rebuttals of the Post’s slanderous nonsense. It’s good to see that there are intelligent people reading the Post.

I think I just made up a new oxymoron! Intelligent people reading the New York Post!

Bill O’Reilly’s Attack of the Handout Brigade is the latest Post piece to cite Douglas Schoen’s recent poll of Zuccotti Park protesters as gospel.

“And what is [their] agenda? Schoen writes: ‘The protesters… are bound by a deep commitment to radical left-wing politics… [The movement] comprises an unrepresentative segment of the electorate that believes in the radical redistribution of wealth.’ In other words, these folks want our stuff.”

“Generally speaking, the Occupy Wall Street crew is comprised of bored morons who want handouts. Every American has a legitimate beef about something, but most of us don’t want to burn the system down. The protesters do. Maybe if their brains were occupied with some perspective, we could get somewhere.”

How can any self-respecting person write something like this?

“I respect dissent, but not stupidity.”

Touché.

Mark DeCambre once again writes, “In the third quarter, [Bank of America] posted profit of $6.23 billion, or 56 cents a share, down 15 percent from the same period a year ago.” Wrong again, Mark!

But Mark is right about this: “A plan by beleaguered Bank of America to foist [some $55 trillion] of funky Merrill Lynch derivatives onto its depositors is raising eyebrows on Wall Street. The rarely used move will likely save the bank millions of dollars in collateral but could put depositors’ cash behind the eight ball.”

We really have to close our B of A accounts ASAP.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives three and a half stars to Martha Marcy May Marlene (“a potent psychological chiller”), one and a half stars to Paranormal Activity 3 (“70 minutes of aggressive banality followed by 10 minutes of banal aggression”), two stars to Oranges and Sunshine (“well-intentioned but uninspired”), one star to Revenge of the Electric Car (“interesting as a meta-documentary”), three stars to The Swell Season (“a tender little piece of heartbreak”), and two stars to The Mighty Macs (“warm-spirited but all too obvious”).

Lou Lumenick gives three stars to Margin Call (“Basically Titanic for the Occupy Wall Street generation”) and two stars to Johnny English Reborn (“belated and totally unnecessary sequel”), and two and a half stars to Norman (“well-acted indie charmer”).

Since it wasn’t screened for American critics, The Times of London’s Kate Muir gives one and a half stars to The Three Musketeers (“no expense spared and no intelligence used”).

Sara Stewart gives three stars to Being Elmo: A Puppeteer’s Journey (“you’d have to be a true Grouch not to be moved”).

V.A. Musetto gives three stars to Le Havre (nothing objectionable, but not for young children).

Gregory E. Miller rates “NYC’s freakiest Haunted Houses” and recommends “Times Scare” (669 Eighth Avenue) under the heading “IF YOU LIKE HALLOWEEN III” because it’s “based on the infamous horror film Halloween and features scenes from the flick, including a terrifying psychiatric ward where the film character Michael Myers is staying.”

Fans of the Halloween franchise are already laughing at Gregory — I’ll let the rest of you know why. There have been 9 sequels to Halloween (including the remake and the sequel to the remake). All of them are about Michael Myers… except for Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

Nicely done, Gregory.

Ten more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween! Ten more days to Halloween, Silver Shamrock.

“A former contestant on Bravo’s Top Chef: Just Desserts reality show has been indicted for possessing child pornography. Morgan Wilson, 38, of Plano, Texas was indicted Oct. 6 on three second-degree felony charges of possession with intent to promote child pornography. Wilson was arrested last Dec. 7 after undercover cops ‘received several file transfers from Wilson’s computer via Limewire in September 2010,’ according to the Plano Star-Courier. The files ‘allegedly contained images and videos of children as young as toddlers engaged in sexual acts.’”

I’m sorry, Morgan. Your dessert just didn’t measure up.

And also, you need to be put in a prison full of people who know why you’re there.

And that’s Friday!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Pat Buchanan went on Sean Hannity’s program last night to promote his new book about the death of White America (Suicide of a Superpower).

I love the promos at the bottom of the screen (COMING UP… THE TRUTH ABOUT OCCUPY WALL ST and TOMORROW: DONALD TRUMP).

Buchanan is a racist and Hannity is whatever the opposite of “journalist” is.

And speaking of the opposite of journalism…

“Rich, fine dining is on the menu for Occupy Wall Street protesters at Zuccotti Park. A former chef de tournant at the Sheraton hotel in Midtown is now churning out food fit for a king, including last night’s menu at right — and organizers have it trucked to the masses in Manhattan every evening. ‘We’re running a five-star restaurant down there,’ boasted chef Eric Smith, who uses a donated soup kitchen in Brooklyn. ‘The other day, we made some wonderful salmon cakes with dill sauce and some quinoa salad and a wonderful tomato salad with fennel and red onion,’ Smith said.”

And here are some of the menu items:

“Brown rice with black beans and fresh herbs” (Filthy hippies!)

“Vegetarian penne pasta with tomato marinara and fresh basil” (Good thing they added “vegetarian” or I wouldn’t have realized it was for filthy hippies; good thing they added “tomato” or I would’ve thought it was the kind of marinara sauce that isn’t tomato-based.)

“Wild heirloom potato salad made from fingerling, Peruvian purple and baby red potatoes with either a mustard-based or vinaigrette dressing” (Well, which is it?)

“Dessert of fresh mixed nuts with banana chips from a grain co-op in Ithaca” (FILTHY HIPPIES!)

Page 5 features Rebecca Rosenberg’s follow-up (Protest mob is enjoying rich diet), informs us that “Hundreds of grimy protesters laying siege to Wall Street and stuffed into the now-smelly Zuccotti Park dine each night on gourmet meals prepared by a former hotel chef using only the finest organic ingredients… So last night, for example, while your family of four may have been forced to resort to Hamburger Helper, thanks to Smith’s culinary magic, hordes of Occupy Wall Street protesters instead feasted on organic chicken, spaghetti Bolognese, roasted beet and sheep’s milk-cheese [sic] salad and wild heirloom potatoes.”

Ms. Rosenberg is literally waging class warfare! Attention, lower- and middle-class Americans! While you suffer, the Occupy Wall Street protesters are “feasting” on “gourmet meals”! So are the people they’re protesting against, but the protested deserve their feasts! They work hard for their money, unlike the smelly, lazy, smelly protesters! The protesters don’t deserve anything except your derision!

It should also be noted that Herman Cain has argued that if your family of four is “forced to resort to Hamburger Helper,” you only have yourselves to blame (and the Post loves “The Herminator” because his 9-9-9 plan would give the country’s wealthiest citizens a gigantic tax break at the expense of America’s poorest).

Also on page 5 is Steve Cuozzo’s review of the donated food (Cordon bleu behind the cordon of blue). “Forget chef Eric Smith’s boast of ‘5-star’ cuisine. The meal I tasted last night… proves you don’t need to spend a fortune, or even peanuts, to turn out an edible dinner. You don’t need any money at all when farms, food co-ops and other occupier-enablers are willing to feed the cause without charging a dime. Can Occupy Wall Street’s affluent participants taste the irony in having their nightly feast whipped up in a poor, crime-ridden Brooklyn neighborhood that has nearly no restaurants at all?”

Wait… what? Did Cuozzo just call the Occupy Wall Street protesters affluent? [JEDITOR'S NOTE: Yes.] Is he an idiot? [JEDITOR'S NOTE: Yes.]

“The five courses I tried delivered bulk, tons of carbs and no more or less pleasure than at a high-end diner, a low-end bistro — or a Sheraton dining room, where Smith once worked.” He’s cooking meals for over 1,000 people, Steve. “Bulk” and “tons of carbs” is to be expected.

“You wouldn’t expect anti-capitalist cranks to gorge on truffle panna cotta, and so dessert was nuts and banana chips donated by a co-op in upstate Ithaca.” I also wouldn’t expect the Post to publish the food reviews of a convicted pedophile.

“But privileged protesters starved for attention shouldn’t complain if their free meal isn’t perfect.” No matter how affluent they are.

On page 4, we learn that the NYPD determined that Deputy Inspector Anthony Bologna “violated guidelines” for pepper-spray use and has been severely reprimanded: He was docked 10 vacation days.

“Bologna was notified yesterday and has three days to accept the punishment or choose to appeal — which could result in a more severe result, sources said.”

Sigh.

There’s also Erik Kriss’ Back away from radicals, Dems told. It’s about how “top Democratic pollster” Douglas Schoen has deduced that 31% of the folks in Zuccotti Park embrace violence.

Rather than respond to this myself, here’s a clip from last night’s Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Rush Limbaugh is terrific, isn’t he?

Bonus Points: No, Rush Limbaugh is not terrific.

Erik Kriss also wrote GOP big fractures tax plan. Apparently, Deputy Senate Majority Leader Thomas Libous (R-Binghamton) currently opposes the “millionaire’s tax.” But “I’ve got a hurting community, and if my community needs revenue, I’m going to have to make decisions that maybe are out of the box for me. If my community, that is ravaged right now, cannot get natural-gas drilling, cannot get what it needs, then the possibility would be to look at any option available.”

So he’s threatening to support the “millionaire’s tax” if Gov. Cuomo doesn’t approve fracking in Binghamton. Um, Thomas? I’m not complaining because I’m for the tax and against fracking, but I’m pretty sure…

“A Manhattan judge has found [Courtney Love] responsible for more than $100,000 worth of jewelry that went missing last year, and Love is going to have to pay it back.”

Good thing she’s getting a cut of Nirvana’s re-release of Nevermind (special edition on sale at Walmart for just $139.88!).

I watched last night’s GOP debate (#37 in a series of 284). The only thing more repulsive than the people on the stage were the people applauding them from the audience.

Geoff Earle recaps the debate but fails to mention my favorite line of the evening. It was Michele Bachmann’s complaint about Obama sending troops to Uganda: “First he put us in Libya, now he’s put us in Africa.”

Let’s see what Michael Goodwin is angry about today… In Sagging intellect, he writes, “Susan Sarandon called Pope Benedict ‘a Nazi.’ It just proves some people will say anything when the career and the jowls are sagging.” How dare she refer to the man who served in the Hitler Youth as a Nazi! He was only following orders!

In Putting $$ where your Web is, he tells “the Warren Buffetts out there who want to pay more taxes” to just make “voluntary payments” to the Department of the Treasury.

In Love to work at nothing, he quotes “Reader Don Gill” as writing, “Just a wild guess but if you grab a few [Wall Street protesters] and did some background checks into their upbringing, I’ll bet you find their parents did a lousy job of passing on the work ethic.” Naturally, Goodwin agrees.

But most of Goodwin’s page is devoted to The job destroyers, which lists some of the folks who support Occupy Wall Street. “Iran’s chief mad mullah, Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khamenei, loves the protests, the government of China applauds them, and Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez is positively gung-ho. Naturally, the American Nazi Party favors the lusty attacks on the ‘Judeo-capitalist banksters’ while the Socialist Party USA and the Communist Party USA are happy passengers on the anti-Wall Street bandwagon. Oh, and Barack Obama hearts the movement, too.” Then Goodwin reminds us that “you should judge a man by his allies.”

Calling Pope Benedict — who served under Adolf Hitler — a Nazi is ridiculous and offensive to Goodwin, but painting everyone in Zuccotti Park as an ally of the American Nazi Party? That’s kosher OK.

Goodwin goes on to explain that the aforementioned “allies” of the protests “reveals what the movement is really about.” But what does the fact that just under 90% of New Yorkers support the protests reveal?

Goodwin also cites Douglas Schoen’s contention that “a third [of the protesters] are willing to use violence to get their way” and calls them a “destructive cult” and “a group of hooligans who occasionally attack [the NYPD], spew anti-Semitic rants and turn the streets into toilets.” And they’re affluent!

“To endorse the radical movement’s sentiments is to deny reality and make the jobs crisis worse. More taxes, debt and regulation would kill the future.”

I’m sure all of the hippies in Zuccotti Park appreciate how Goodwin recycles the same erroneous points twice a week.

Bonus Points: John Stossel and Bill O’Reilly condescendingly discuss Occupy Wall Street.

Page Six is on pages 16. 17 and 18 today.

Here’s a joke (?) from Cindy Adams:

“Paris gossips say DSK is monogramming his shirts with: ‘The early bird gets the worm. The smart birds wait for the French toast.’”

If there really is a God, she will not wake up tomorrow.

David Mamet (!) writes the op-ed Maiden-Aunt America: NY’s ban on Ultimate Fighting, which is about how Mixed Martial Arts should be allowed in New York under the First Amendment (he argues it’s just as artistically valid as the burning of the American flag and Andres Serrano’s “Piss Christ”).

I look forward to his HBO movie which argues that Phil Spector was innocent.

Mark DeCambre’s GIANT GRIPE FEST: Bank bosses cry over losses, regs explains that “Buffeted by the choppy markets and crushing regulations, bank bosses Lloyd Blankfein and Brian Moynihan would also like to get some gripes off their chests about the poor economy and rising regulations. At least that’s the sort of discontent bubbling up from Wall Street executives after Goldman Sachs and Bank of America delivered a double dose of disappointing third-quarter earnings.” DeCambre later notes, “In the third quarter, BofA posted profit of $6.23 billion, or 56 cents a share, down 15 percent from the same period a year ago.”

Fun Fact: Bank of America’s showed a $7.3 billion net loss in the third quarter of 2010. I’m not sure how losing $7,300,000,000 is 15% better than gaining $6,230,000,000, but I am sure that this is a terrible newspaper.

Crude oil is back up to $88.34/barrel.

The World Series starts tonight between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Texas Rangers.

I know more St. Louis fans than Texas fans so if I had any interest, I’d root for St. Louis.

If I had any interest.

Happy Wednesday!

Today’s two cover stories are The return of ‘Footloose’ (REVIEW: PAGE 35) and WALL ST. FACE OFF: Park clash looms over cleanup (PAGES 4-5).

I’ll get to the former when I reach the movie review section (will the review justify its front-page promotion? [SPOILER: No.]). As for the “looming clash” at Zuccotti Park, it didn’t happen.

HELL, NO, WE WON’T GO!: Zuccotti hordes defiant explains the NYPD’s demand “that Occupy Wall Street protesters temporarily vacate their filthy encampment” in order for it to be cleaned. And even though the demands have since changed, I’ll share them anyway:

“Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said the cleaning will be done in three shifts this morning beginning at 7 — and when the protesters return, their grimy gear will be banned from the privately owned park. ‘People will have to remove all their belongings and leave the park,’ Kelly said. ‘After it’s cleaned, they’ll be able to come back. But they won’t be able to bring back the gear, the sleeping bags. That sort of thing will not be able to be brought back into the park.’ Hard-core protesters responded by defiantly issuing an ‘Emergency Call to Action’ seeking a mass gathering at the park at 6 a.m. to resist the cops and cleanup crews.”

Actually, this is the actual “Emergency Call to Action” referenced above. And this is my favorite part of it (which, for some weird reason, the Post didn’t mention): “Occupy Wall Street is committed to keeping the park clean and safe—we even have a Sanitation Working Group whose purpose this is. We are organizing major cleaning operations today and will do so regularly. If Bloomberg truly cares about sanitation here he should support the installation of portopans and dumpsters. #OWS allies have been working to secure these things to support our efforts.”

According to the Post, what will be permitted in the park from now on is: “Things that can be carried, including backpacks, small bags, laptops.” I wonder if that includes the cables, etc. necessary to provide live streaming of the park (as I write this, I am watching the live feed at livestream.com/globalrevolution so I guess the answer is yes… for now…). Among the things that won’t be allowed: “Lying down, coolers, and storage of personal property on the ground, benches, sitting areas or walkways.” So you can bring in your laptop, but you can’t put it anywhere except your lap. If the NYPD chooses to enforce these new rules, there will be a great deal of civil unrest. And most of it won’t be civil.

“Also yesterday, nine protesters were busted for disorderly conduct after refusing to leave a Brooklyn Supreme Court room where a foreclosure auction was scheduled. About 45 demonstrators sang a song protesting the high number of home foreclosures… Court officers asked the rowdy demonstrators to leave. Thirty complied; the other 15 were arrested.”

1) Were nine people arrested or fifteen?

2) 30 + 15 = 45 not “about 45.”

3) That 45 people were protesting in Brooklyn is certainly a newsworthy story on its own, but shoehorned into the already woefully inadequate OWS coverage, it acts more as an obfuscating distraction.

4) I think I’ve posted this before, but it bears repeating. Especially now:

B’also? I just found this online (watch it with the sound low because there’s a lot of shouting; pay special attention at the 1:40 mark):

Gothamist identified the man who got punched by the cop: “[Felix] Rivera-Pitre, who is HIV positive and used to be a dancer, tells us he was walking a little bit in front of the police on William Street, and admits he ’shot the cop a look.’ But then, according to Rivera-Pitre (and this is in line with what we witnessed), ‘The cop just lunged at me full throttle and hit me on the left side of my face. It tore my earring out. I remember seeing my earring on the ground next to me and it was full of blood. I was completely dumbstruck.’”

Carl Campanile’s Cain’s north poll trip: Rising dough man is giving Mitt fits has a lot of positive things to say about Herman Cain, especially from unbiased sources like… Herman Cain.

“Cain said he’s connecting with GOP voters ‘because of my enthusiasm and positive attitude.’” Well, it certainly isn’t because of his “9-9-9″ plan (which has been shown to cost middle- and lower-class families more money).

“If Herman Cain is our nominee against Barack Obama, I think [Cain'll] sweep the South.” So says Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, failing to note that if the 2012 election is between two Black men, huge chunks of the South will secede from the United States.

“Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan, considered a leading GOP policy wonk, gave Cain’s ‘9-9-9′ plan a thumbs up. ‘We need more bold ideas like this because it’s specific and credible. I’m a flat-tax kind of guy,’ Ryan said.”

That about sums up most GOP policy — specific and credible. Not practical, not sensible, not rational, but specific and credible.

Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Christopher Chaney, 35, the man who leaked Scarlett Johansson’s nude photos:

“It started as curiosity, and it turned to just being an addiction. I was almost relieved when they came and took the computer and told me they knew,” he told reporters about his hacking.

If he’s convicted on all counts, he faces __ years in prison:

a) 5

b) 10

c) 20

d) 50

e) 121

The correct answer is… e.

Silly Christopher. He should have murdered infants instead of reading celebrities’ e-mails! Then he’d be a free man in less than 10 years!

Guess who isn’t being prosecuted for attempted rape. I’ll give you a hint:

“‘It is clear that, for lack of sufficient proof, a prosecution may not be initiated over the count of attempted rape, but facts that could be described as sexual assault have meanwhile been recognized,’ French prosecutors said in a statement.”

The correct answer is… Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

So is he being prosecuted for sexually assaulting Tristane Banon in 2003? Nope. Why not? Because the statute of limitations for sexual assault in France is three years.

DSK still faces civil suits from Banon and Nafissatou Diallo, but they’ll probably both get thrown out of court.

Sigh.

Remember Shanel Nadal, 27, and Nephra Payne, 34? They kidnapped their eight children from foster care and kept them “in the back of a filthy van” until they were caught two weeks later.

“Lawyer Norman Steiner said his clients took action because they feared some of the kids were being sexually or physically abused. Prosecutors, he said, are trying to force the couple to take a six-month plea deal that includes forfeiting custody. Conviction at trial could mean 25 years in prison.”

1) They didn’t have custody when they kidnapped the children, so how would they forfeit custody?

2) Prosecutors are trying to force them to accept six months? Fuck it. Go to trial! Anyone who names all seven of their male children Nephra Payne deserves to be in prison for at least five years.

According to Page Six (today on pages 12, 13 and 14), Mark Zuckerberg and Sean Parker were fighting in West Hollywood earlier this month. “Sean argued that all Spotify users should not be forced to sign up for a Facebook account, but Mark wouldn’t budge. It was a full on [sic] screaming match outside the club, but stopped short of coming to blows. Then they stormed off in different directions.”

If Jesse Eisenberg, Justin Timberlake, David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin are game, I’d be down for a sequel to The Social Network.

Cindy Adams’ Shedding light on cab situation begins, “It’s great that the taxi group will redo their lights on top of cabs. Great. Heaven forfend that the industry blows their extra bread to feed our elderly homebound poor, or donate to Hurricane Katrina’s disenfranchised. Don’t even think of funneling loose shekels to save animals. And forget putting aside bail money for assorted NY state politicians. Fixing lights on cabs, great.” Cindy is faulting the Taxi and Limousine Commission for spending money to improve taxis instead of saving animals. There is literally no reason for her to still be alive.

“I personally, consider it shameful that anyone who really knows how to run this country is busy driving a taxi for a living. Who knows? Maybe Obama doesn’t even have a driver’s license.”

Please get in the box, Cindy. Enough already.

“Officials in a New Jersey school district are investigating claims that a high-school teacher [Viki Knox] who advises a prayer group posted remarks on her Facebook page that described homosexuality as ‘perverted’ and said it ‘breeds like cancer.’” I found this tweet from September 20th:

Human Rights Campaign provides the entire online exchange here. Here are some excerpts:

“Homosexuality is a perverted spirit that has existed from the beginning of creation… how they live and their actions, behaviors -CHOICES are against the nature and character of God! …I know sin and it breeds like cancer!”

“Why parade your unnatural immoral behaviors before the rest of us? AND YOU ARE WRONG! I/WE DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT ANYTHING, ANYONE. ANY BEHAVIOR OR ANY CHOICES! I DO NOT HAVE TO TOLERATE ANYTHING OTHERS WISH TO DO.”

The same people who applaud town clerk Rose Marie Belforti’s refusal to obey the law and issue marriage licenses to gay couples because she hates homosexuals will surely applaud Knox for sticking to her theological guns. And if Hell does exist (which it doesn’t), each and every one of those people will be there.

Going as yourself on Halloween is about to get a lot more expensive (and awesome).

REAL-f, a company in (where else?) Japan, will make a face mask of you for $3,920 or a full head mask for $5,800.

The masks are frighteningly accurate and will also allow someone that steals your mask to frame you for almost any crime. In fact, it would be a good investment to buy one and then destroy it. Then, if you ever wind up on trial, your attorney can say that your mask was stolen and the person on the surveillance camera footage isn’t you, it’s someone wearing your mask.

The defense rests.

Bill O’Reilly takes a break from politics to remind us that he’s a cranky old man (MACHINE-HEADS FACE THE FOREST).

“Recently, I had occasion to travel to New Hampshire with seven children ranging in age from 3 to 16. Don’t even ask how this happened.” Well, if he won’t tell me, I’ll just have to assume that he kidnapped them for perverted reasons.

“Mark my words: These machines are taking over. Many younger Americans are so addicted that they can’t function without them. Never mind nature, witty in-person conservation and games like stickball or keep-away. Those things are soooooo obsolete.” Actually, “Keep-Away 2011″ is expected to be one of the best-selling Xbox games this Christmas.

“‘We’re going hiking,’ I say. Silence. Finally, a reply: ‘Hiking?’ ‘Yeah, in the woods. The leaves are changing; the air is clean. Let’s go!’ No one moves.” What child wouldn’t want to go into the woods with an a notoriously short-tempered, creepy old man?

“When these children grow up, I pray they don’t have to fight the Chinese. War is always bad. And if the Chinese are hiding in the forest, we lose.”

None of these children made it back alive. If you have any idea where Bill buried their corpses, please contact the authorities. Their families just want closure.

Excerpts from the editorial High Noon at 7 a.m.:

“Just how long will City Hall let the flower children of Occupy Wall Street remain camped out at Zuccotti Park?”

“Well, no good landfill lasts forever, than God — and besides, the assembled trustifarians and their allies will be allowed back as soon as the washdown is completed.”

“The site is attracting rodents — the furry four-legged varity [sic], and their two-legged cousins.”

The Post hates it when people criticize the rich. Unless those people are criticizing rich people who criticize the rich. Trustifarians. Get it? Because they’re rich and they like Black people!

A lot of people wrote in to praise Andrea Peyser’s hatred of Amanda Knox.

Yorktown Heights’ John Conklin writes, “I’m glad I’m not the only one who still finds Knox repulsive and suspects she may be a murderer.” And Collegeville, Pennsylvania’s Chris Johnson writes, “Thank you, Andrea Peyser, for your frequent nuggets of common sense.”

But not everyone agrees that Peyser is a hero and/or Knox is a villain. Manhattan’s Katherine Meeks writes, “Peyser hits a new low… Knox wasn’t convicted because she was ‘too pretty,’ and she wasn’t freed because she was ‘too pretty.’ She was freed because the only solid evidence, the purported sample of DNA, didn’t stand up to scrutiny.” And Yonkers’ Anne O’Leary writes, “Shame on Peyser. Knox is not guilty… Prosecutor Giuliano Mignini set her up, as he was trying to save his own name. There is no comparison between Knox and [Casey] Anthony.”

It’s refreshing to see that women hate Mandrea as much as she hates them.

In An Abhorrent Ally for Democrats, Michael A. Walsh compares Occupy Wall Street to the Tea Party. He starts by referring to OWS as “the unwashed rabble” who are frustrated with “a system that has served this country well from its founding” and who “loathe just about everything this country ever stood for — including the value of hard work, individual responsibility and the liberal use of soap and water.” Zing!

Toward the end, the Vulcan Muppet writes, “One [group] peaceably assembles to sing ‘God Bless America.’ The other vilifies success, screams anti-Semitic slurs and openly advocates violence.” Let’s play a game. See if you can guess if the people and signs in these pictures belong to the Tea Party or Occupy Wall Street:

and just for kicks:

Tim Ravndal was the president of the Montana Tea Party when he posted this on his Facebook page. Dennis Scranton is referring to to the murder of Matthew Shepard, to which Tim asks for a manual that could show him how to kill (and decoratively hang) more homosexuals like Shepard.

Michael A. Walsh is a despicable waste of oxygen. I was going to talk about more of the things he said today, but his vile rhetoric has already taken up enough of our time.

From Herman Cain’s editorial THE WALL ST. PROTESTS: Look in the Mirror:

“Visiting New York this week, I found the organized street protests against Wall Street were the talk of the town. But I’m sorry — they lost me at hello. Their rants to the media and those unfortunate enough to cross their paths have been all over the map — from tirades over big business, to 9/11 conspiracy theories, to admitting not even knowing why they’re there — but a common theme is that they’ve set their sights on rich people.“ Actually, they do know why they’re there. And, unless you’re ignorant (willfully or otherwise), so do you.

“I have a hard time imagining what these protesters think will come of this — that Wall Street execs will come running out of their offices to write them a check?” Yes, Herman. That’s what they want to come of this. Ladies and gentlemen, the current Republican frontrunner for the 2012 presidential nomination.

“From what I’ve seen of these protesters — including one news clip of a young man shouting at an elderly passerby that he wouldn’t work a $7-an-hour job — it seems they would rather have a handout than work.” Not only haven’t I seen that news clip, but I have no idea what it means. Was the young man saying that he wouldn’t work a $7/hour job? Was he telling the old man that he (the old man) wouldn’t work it?

I’m a big fan of “it seems.” It excuses you from having to tell the truth. If I say “Andrea Peyser’s husband, Mark Phillips, seems like a pedophile,” I am only speaking of my personal opinion so you can’t fault it. If I say “Mark Phillips is a pedophile” then the burden of proof is on me (though I still haven’t been shown anything that disproves that assertion). So Herman Cain can say that based on what he has seen (and he doesn’t have to tell us what that is — is it just Fox News clips?) that the OWS protesters “seem” like lazy idiots.

Hey, that reminds me of a joke: What did the German-American say when he was asked if Herman Cain’s tax plan made any fiscal sense?

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives three stars to Footloose (“Footloose won me over early, with a sequence in which the hero gets all heavy metal while restoring his badass… VW Bug.”), two stars to The Thing (“suspenseful enough and features some amazing gross-out effects”), and half a star to Trespass (“Nicolas Cage re-enacts his career arc in 90 grueling minutes”).

Lou Lumenick gives two stars to The Big Year (“stubbornly refuses to take flight, or generate more than a few chuckles”), three and a half stars to The Skin I Live In (“an eye-popping and genuinely shocking gender-bending twist on Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo“), two stars to both Father of Invention (“worth a look on DVD”) and Texas Killing Fields (“long on style and short on coherent storytelling”), and one star to Fireflies in the Garden (“was pretty much DOA when it premiered at the Sundance Film Festival nearly four years ago — and is now finally receiving a token theatrical burial”).

V.A. Musetto gives three stars to The Woman (violence, torture, nudity, sex) and two stars to Oka! (bare-breasted native women).

Sara Stewart gives one and a half stars to Connected (“has all the narrative focus of a Twitter feed”).

I got a little excited when I saw the headline of Michael Starr’s article (Koppel to join ‘Rock’), but then I learned that Ted Koppel isn’t joining the cast of 30 Rock — he’s joining the cast of Brian Williams’ new newsmagazine, Rock Center.

And then I remembered who Michael Starr is and I had to stop reading.

“HBO is developing a new family series based on The Kids Are All Right.”

I liked the movie (and I loved that it infuriated Mandrea), but I don’t know how HBO can get a series out of it. But if anyone can, it’s HBO.

And that’s Friday.

Have yourselves a lovely weekend.

Ladies and gentlemen, Elizabeth Warren:

And also, Elizabeth Warren:

If we were a country that didn’t vilify intelligence as a form of smug elitism, she would be our president.

My steamy night of passion with Ashton

SEE PAGE 9

I did! Apparently, Us Weekly and London’s The Sun newspaper offered Sara Leal, 22, more money than Mr. Kutcher, 33, because she has shared the intimate details of her (alleged) affair with Demi Moore’s husband. Don Kaplan writes, “After they had sex for the first time, the two made small talk, discussing where she grew up and when her birthday was. She also told him that she was religious — a Lutheran from Texas. ‘He said, “Oh my gosh, are you a Republican?” I was like, “What, do you like Obama?” He said, “Yeah,” and asked if I could name any up-and-coming candidates. I said Rick Perry.’ Then they had sex again.”

Leal may have had sex with Ashton Kutcher, but the fact that she considers Rick Perry an up-and-coming candidate proves she was already fucked.

Jennifer Fermino’s Views collide on bike lanes claims that a survey of residents near the Columbus Avenue bike lanes on the Upper West Side “reads as if it were conducted in two different cities.”

“In one corner, there’s the 31 percent who found that the 7-month-old lanes — which stretch from West 77th to West 96th streets — ‘very much’ keep them out of harm’s way. Contrast that with the other 31 percent, who said the lanes did zilch for their safety. Another 25 percent felt ’somewhat safer,’ and the rest weren’t sure.”

So 31% say it makes them “very much” safer and 25% say it makes them “somewhat safer,” which means 56% of respondents find them at least somewhat beneficial. Only 31% say they aren’t beneficial (though not necessarily detrimental) and 13% “weren’t sure.” Jennifer thinks this reads like it was conducted in two different cities? Maybe she’s referring to some of the survey’s other results…

“Overall, 40 percent said the current design of the bike lanes works well for everyone, while 33 percent called it a ‘good start’ that needed improvement.”

This is a comically terrible newspaper.

“A surprising 80 percent of teenage boys say they’re using condoms the first time they have sex, a government survey found in a sign that decades of efforts to change young people’s sexual behavior are taking hold. Boys’ condom use is up from 71 percent in 2002, according to the study — based on interviews with about 4,700 teens ages 15 to 19 — released yesterday by the National Center for Health Statistics.”

Rick Perry is the kind of guy I want to have a beer with just on the off chance that he’ll momentarily leave it unattended, allowing me to spit in it.

Bonus Points: Did you notice that The Texas Tribune misspelled pregnancy in the clip’s title card? They spelled it PREGNACAY. I guess it isn’t just abstinence education that Texas schools are botching.

They caught the person who leaked Scarlett Johansson’s nude photos.

“Christopher Chaney, 35, was arrested without incident yesterday morning at his Jacksonville, Fla., home for allegedly hacking into celebrities’ Google, Apple and Yahoo e-mail accounts between last November and February.”

What Chaney did was despicable and I’m glad they caught him.

After he leaked those pictures.

Ed White’s Undie bomber stuns court with confession tells us that Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab “surprised” and “caught observers off guard” when he explained that his underwear bomb was a “blessed weapon to save the lives of innocent Muslims.”

Ed quotes three other people in his article: Abdulmutallab’s attorney (Anthony Chambers), Attorney General Eric Holder and one of the passengers on the plane that Abdulmutallab tried to blow up (Lori Haskell). Chambers says that he wanted to go to trial but his client insisted on pleading guilty, Holder applauds the court system that will ensure Abdulmutallab will die in prison, and 34-year-old Haskell (of Newport, Michigan) “watched Abdulmutallab’s plea by video in an overflow room. She called his statement ‘chilling’ but not surprising.”

Stunning.

Josh Saul’s Mrs. O: I’m the first shopper should earn him many, many journalistic awards.

“The first lady claims she’s a regular at Chipotle, Starbucks and Target — even though critics have doubted the authenticity of her incognito trips in the past.”

Other things critics have doubted the authenticity of: her husband’s citizenship, her husband’s religion, and her husband not being the Antichrist. In fact, many critics still believe these things.

I can only hope that someone hacks into Michelle Obama’s credit card activity soon, because if she’s claiming to shop at Chipotle more than she actually does, then surely that’s grounds for impeachment of her husband, right?

This article is on page 8.

Also on page 8 is Geoff Earle’s Cain gains to top GOP field: poll.

“[Herman Cain] now leads Republican rival Mitt Romney 30 to 22 percentage points in a new survey by Progressive Policy Polling.”

Of course, Rasmussen released a poll today that shows Romney and Cain tied at 29%. Which supports my contention that polls are virtually meaningless.

Geoff has another piece on page 8 (Team Obama ‘flips’ out over Romney) that mentions (at the very end) that Cain has “released his economic team’s analysis behind his ‘9-9-9′ plan… claiming it would bring in the same revenues the feds get now.” What Geoff doesn’t do is tell us if their claims are verifiable.

And S.A. Miller’s piece on page 8 (Defeated O keeps up fight – it’s a very crowded page) mentions that Republicans continue to oppose Obama’s jobs plan because “any tax hike is economic poison.” Again, a rudimentary understanding of how Google works can disprove that position in less than a minute. But the Post isn’t interested in pointing out the flaws of the GOP. After all, that wouldn’t be fair and balanced, now would it?

The good news: Occupy Wall Street gets more coverage today!

The bad news: David Seifman and Tim Perone’s Zuccotti getting clean sweep is about how Mayor Bloomberg went to Zuccotti Park last night to tell the protesters that the park’s owners need to clean up tomorrow so they have to leave — but they’ll be allowed back in as soon as they’re finished cleaning.

“The owner of Zuccotti, Brookfield Properties said ‘the cleaning will be done in stages and the protesters will be able to return to the areas that have been cleaned, provided they abide by the rules.’” I think that sounds a little fishy. So do some other folks. “Protesters last night were concerned this was a ruse to kick them out for good. ‘If they want to clean the park, why don’t they make a plan with the organizers of Occupy Wall Street to clean the park?’ asked David Martinez.” Agreed.

On the plus side, the article has a photograph of two protesters being arrested outside JPMorgan Chase yesterday:

In a related story, the Mark Morris Dance Group has announced they’ll begin their 2012 season with a piece titled “Occupy: Wall Street, Main Street, Beat Street” and released a promotional photograph of the production:

The proposed exodus of protestors is scheduled to take place at 7:00 a.m. Friday morning. I have a really bad feeling that something terrible is going to happen. I hope I’m wrong.

B’KLYN GROPER ‘FESSES’

They got him! “Adolfo Martinez, 26, spilled his guts after cops showed him surveillance video linking him to Monday’s attack on an 18-year-old in Sunset Park.” Martinez’s wife and 8-month-old son must be so proud! I’m just glad they finally caught the person responsible for all of those attacks.

“Martinez fits the description in most of the other attacks, but cops believe there may be as many as three other assailants.” Oh.

If you recognize any of these men, please contact the NYPD ASAP. And if you recognize the man in the middle, please contact me ASAP and tell me why he has a waffle face. I bet there’s a really funny story behind it. Oh, and if you recognize the guy on the right, ask him where he got a baseball hat made of wood. I’d like one.

Pull up a chair and get get comfortable. Andrea Peyser’s cup of crazy runneth over today.

She directs her acerbic {whatever the opposite of wit is} at various targets — Nancy Shevell, Amanda Knox, The View, Hasidim in Williamsburg… on any other day, I’d have fun making fun of her misplaced rage (except against Shevell — I have no love for that woman). But I only have time to deconstruct two of her pieces. The first is Buy soap & Occupy a shower.

“Day-tripping to the home of Occupy Wall Street last week, my sense were assaulted by the stench of unbathed humans, cut by the intoxicating aroma of marijuana. It’s gotten worse. As The Post reported, cretins seeking cheap drugs, warm bodies and free food are bedding down in Zuccotti Park next to trust-fund-fueled activists unable to coherently articulate what the devil they’re fighting for… Only in America would people intentionally expose themselves to dirt, disease and sexual assault to prove — what? Time to go home.”

Mandrea is perpetuating the idea (started by Fox News, naturally) that everyone at the protest is a drug-addled idiot (but also a trust-fund hipster) with no idea why they’re there. I’ve already posted more than enough video clips that disprove this condescending falsehood, but Victoria Jackson recently uploaded to YouTube what she believes is footage of her proving the same point Peyser is making here. Except she actually proves the opposite, proving that she incredibly dumb. Only watch this if you have time to kill and want to see protesters patiently answer Jackson’s ridiculously juvenile questions.

But most of Peyser’s page of misplaced venom is devoted, once again, to The 99. It’s Islam’s superzeroes is a retread of the piece she wrote for Monday’s paper (Better to tune out this scary cartoon), only shriller.

“As we speak, Kuwaiti psychologist Naif Al-Mutawa is on a quest to install in your kids’ TV a posse of righteous, Sharia-compliant cartoon Muslim superheroes (right) — including bad-ass Batina, who fights villains covered head-to-toe in a burqa.” His changed his name from Naif al-Mustawa to Naif al-Mutawa since Monday? Actually, a quick search reveals that his name has always been Naif al-Mutawa. So Mandrea got it wrong (repeatedly) on Monday. She should really take more pride in her shame. B’also, is anyone else freaked out by her visceral opposition to a superhero believing in Islam? Fun Fact: There have been Islamic superheroes (and villains) in comics for a very long time. A partial list of Middle Eastern characters can be found here. And a story about the French Muslim version of Batman (Nightrunner) that DC Comics introduced earlier this year can be found here. And, just for the heck of it, here are some character sketches of Nightrunner.

But please continue, crazy woman(?).

“His animated series, The 99, has drawn howls from Western pundits, mainly me, who see it as a stealthy move to instill Middle Eastern values in Christian and Jewish minds. AtlasShrugs.com blogger Pamela Geller calls the cartoon ‘cultural jihad.’ Al-Mutawa hit back. He blasted critics, who’ve kept his cartoon off the air so far in the United States, as ‘intellectual terrorists’ to CNN.com. Nice. I thought we were just concerned moms.”

How dare the man you falsely accuse of trying to indoctrinate our children into supporting Sharia Law call you and Pamela Geller (who once said “Obama is a third worlder and a coward. He will do nothing but beat up on our friends to appease his Islamic overlords.“) intellectual terrorists! After all, there’s nothing intellectual about either one of you!

“In most of America (Sunday in New York and LA), Al-Mutawa argues the case for foisting The 99 on impressionable kids. He stars in a sympathetic PBS documentary that’s called — I can’t imagine how politically correct eggheads at PBS missed the message — Wham! Bam! Islam! Shut! My! Mouth!” Oh! Please! Do!

What do you suppose the “message” that PBS missed is? “Wham!” and “Bam!” are common comic-book sound effects. Islam rhymes with both of them. And I’m assuming that the documentary is about Islamic superheroes… what am I missing? Seriously, please tell me.

“I talked to Al-Mutawa to give him a shot at turning me. Talking faster than a speeding bullet, he said he created The 99 as a comic book to show his five sons that, after 9/11, Muslims can be positive role models. OK. So why the burqa? ‘I don’t agree with the burqa. I don’t believe it’s part of my religion. It’s part of Arab culture,’ he said. I repeat — why the burqa? Long pause. ‘You’re supposed to tell little girls who have to wear the burqa that they’re not part of the world?’ he finally said. ‘It makes them feel good about themselves. I’m not here to judge anyone.’ So, if the cartoonist can’t judge, then what is and isn’t permissible in The 99? Stoning?”

Wouldn’t it be amazing if people started demanding that all of the Christian superheroes eschew all of their religious identities because The Bible (in Deuteronomy 22:28-29) says that a virgin who is raped must marry her rapist (as long as her rapist pays her father fifty shekels of silver)? Or would you be OK with that if someone raped your daughter, Mandrea? So long as your husband got fifty shekels?

“My column is the only one named in the documentary as having spooked the network from airing the show. But rather than confront me, Al-Mutawa is sweetness and light. ‘I respect your opinion.’” What a jerk! He actually had the audacity to show you tolerance? That’s it. Where’s my pitchfork?

“‘One way or the other,’ Al-Mutawa told CNN.com, ‘The 99 will get on air in the US.’ He toned down even these fighting words when trying to spin me. ‘If reason is going to prevail, it will air in America,’ he said. Naive Al-Mutawa means well. I hope. But his cartoon has no business near your kid.”

Who made this haggard imbecile the arbiter of what the country’s children should and shouldn’t see? The same person who complains about the government butting into her life is declaring that the nation shouldn’t have access to a cartoon aimed at the millions of Muslim children that live here as American citizens?

If anything has no business near your kid, it’s Peyser’s husband, Mark Phillips. After all, he’s a suspected pedophile.

According to Page Six (today on pages 16 and 17), Forbes listed Bethenny Frankel as the third-highest-earning woman in entertainment after they were told that she made “an estimated $100 million” from the sale of her Skinnygirl Margarita mix to Fortune Brands. But it turns out she was actually paid $8.1 million, not $100 million.

Priceless.

Cindy Adams is (sigh) back.

“Let’s just elect a eunuch for president. At least there won’t be any inaugural balls.”

I see what you did there, Cindy. And it wasn’t dying, which angers me to no end.

“A Queens narcotics cop [Stephen Anderson] caught on video framing four men in a bar has pleaded guilty to a drug-sale charge, been sentenced to two to four years in prison — and agreed to testify against other cops.”

I say again: If your job is to uphold the law and you break it, your consequences should be far more severe than those of an inner-city youth who doesn’t know better and commits the same crime.

George Will (when did he drop the middle initial? why wasn’t I informed?) pens the op-ed The Idiocy of ‘Occupy’: Protests will alienate America.

“In scale, OWS’ demonstrations-cum-encampments are to Tea Party events as Pittsburgh, Kan. is to Pittsburgh, Pa. So far, probably fewer people have participated in all of them combined than attended just one Tea Party rally, that of Sept. 12, 2009, on the Washington Mall. OWS is to the Tea Party as Lady Gaga is to Lord Chesterfield.”

Fun Fact: Will has a 39-year-old son, Jon, who was born with Down syndrome. But I would bet good money that Jon could easily explain to his father what’s egregiously wrong with his column. For example, I wonder what Will thinks the attendance of that rally was. Is he going by the actual figure or the one that Freedomworks exaggerated by 2,000%? And is Will accounting for the fact that Glenn Beck spent months promoting the rally (it was part of his “9-12 Project,” not a spontaneous revolt)? And does Will think that any of the folks at that rally would have had the fortitude to camp out and put their money where their mouths for weeks at a time? I mean, the tea bags dangling from their made-in-China tri-corner hats would start to stink after a couple of days — especially if it rained. If the protesters in Zuccotti Park are idiots, George, then what does that make you? Actually, you inspired me to make an analogy of my own:

George Will is to a smug asshole as a smug asshole is to a smug asshole.

“Universal Pictures abandoned a plan to offer the Eddie Murphy comedy Tower Heist on pay television three weeks after its theatrical release, yielding to a threatened boycott by exhibitors.”

So most of us will have to wait much longer to not watch it on TV after not seeing it in theaters.

See you tomorrow.

Let’s start with an amusing photograph.

And now, the Post.

FAIR WARNING

Videos back cops in 700 bridge busts

“The NYPD yesterday provided two videos showing that cops warned protesters to move off the Brooklyn Bridge Sunday or face arrest — before busting 700.” Here are those videos:

Seems fairly cut and dry, right? The protesters were clearly warned and clearly chose to ignore that warning, right?

Marcel Cartier says no.

As he says (from roughly 1:10 – 3:02), he didn’t hear the announcement(s) despite being in the front of the crowd.

I couldn’t find the actual video on YouTube, but Keith Olbermann ran a video that backs up Marcel’s contention (skip ahead to the 5:00 mark).

“The cops said they were loud and clear — and yesterday produced two videos to prove it.”

Case closed.

Weekend Box Office:

What’s Your Number? opened in 8th place ($5,421,669), Dream House opened in 6th ($8,129,355), 50/50 opened in 5th ($8,644,095), Courageous opened in 4th ($9,063,147), The Lion King (in 3D) remained in theaters (Disney lied!) but dropped to 3rd place ($10,615,645), Moneyball remained in 2nd ($12,031,592), and Dolphin Tale moved up to 1st ($13,912,419).

Wait… what the Hell is Courageous?

…oh.

Josh Margolin, S.A. Miller and Bob Fredericks team up for ‘Brutal’ fire at Christie, which begins, “He’s feeling the heat. Gov. Chris Christie’s rivals opened fire yesterday as he continued mulling a run for the White House — and the usually jocular Republican heavyweight was showing clear signs of strain. ‘It’s brutal,’ one close adviser said of Christie’s mood in reaction to the harsh criticism aimed at him yesterday.”

Oh, no! Does this mean he won’t run?

[SPOILER: No, because he was never going to run in the first place.]

“Arizona Sen. John McCain, the 2008 Republican nominee, said Christie was similar to the ‘flavor of the month.’ ‘The swimming pool looks a lot better until you jump right in. The water may not be quite as warm as you think,’ McCain said on CBS’ Face the Nation.”

But the pool always gets much warmer as soon as McCain jumps in.

See what I did there?

“Presidential candidate Rick Perry’s campaign shifted into major damage-control mode yesterday after revelations that his family’s hunting camp was once named ‘Niggerhead,’ with the racist word scrawled on a rock at the entrance.”

A press release from Perry’s campaign assured people that Perry’s family never actually hunted niggers there, but people continue to make a big deal about this for some reason.

“A fast-food restaurant in Beijing called Obama Fried Chicken was derided in America yesterday as a racist rip-off.”

The writing on the bottom right allegedly translates to “We’re so cool, aren’t we?”

The Post names two people who are deriding the Chinese restaurant are Al Sharpton (surprise, surprise) and Momodou Jallow. And who is Mr. Jallow? He’s the manager of a restaurant at 110 St. Nicholas Avenue in Harlem. Says Jallow, “I wouldn’t eat there because of that picture. You can’t degrade the president like that. [Their logo] is sketched that way to make fun of Obama so people will buy fried chicken. How can you take [Colonel Sanders'] body and put Obama’s head on it and call it OFC? It’s disrespectful.” And what is the name of Jallow’s restaurant?

Obama Fried Chicken.

But Jallow explains his anger at the Chinese: “For us, it’s different. There’s no disrespectful picture.”

Of course.

Bonus Points: The Post calls it “Obama’s Fried Chicken,” but the signage all says “Obama Fried Chicken.”

According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), Hailey Glassman (the ex-girlfriend of Jon Gosselin who told the press he was “hung like a 9-year-old”) has joined the cast of CMT’s Sweet Home Alabama. For those who aren’t familiar with the show, 11 “city” bachelorettes compete with 11 “country” bachelorettes for the affection of Tribble Reese (yes, that’s his real name).

If I was in charge of CMT, I would have called the show The Bachelurdle.

Page Six also reports that Christoph Waltz “dislocated his pelvis” while “training with a horse” for Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained.

Get well (and a restraining order) soon, Christoph.

Sigh. Cindy Adams still isn’t dead.

She starts off today’s column with a story about Rick Perry staying at the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island. “One thing it’s known for is the world’s longest porch — more than 800 feet. Said Rick Perry when he walked it: ‘Longest porch? Please. In Texas we’d consider it a windowsill.’” Right, except it’s the world’s longest porch, Rick. And Texas is, sadly, part of this world. Then again, this is the same guy who thinks evolution is less plausible than Intelligent Design.

Cindy later offers this… thing: “Ashton Kutscher [sic] going naked in his TV series role triggered a police action. Jealous cops want him to file in Small Claims Court.”

Die.

Andrea Peyser is in top form today.

“As the holidays bear down on this city faster than Alec Baldwin on a buffet table, the war on faith — a tradition more devoutly observed than Christmas, Hanukkah and Festivus combined — has arrived early.” I can’t believe she beat Bill O’Reilly to the punch! “At the ceremony commemorating the 10th anniversary of 9/11, Mayor Bloomberg, a proponent of Islam, banned all clergy members from participating — a move my source on Community Board 1 called ‘disgraceful.’ Soon these words may be forbidden: Merry, Happy, Joyful. Peace. So say them. As loud and as long as you can.” Yes, the Islam-loving mayor is going to ban the words merry, happy, joyful and peace because he hates Jesus.

Moron.

In Singing the Damned Yankees blues, she writes, “The Red Sox blew it. Bye-bye playoffs! Atlanta went down. Which leaves us with the prospect of having to cheer for the Yankees. No way.” This is the same person who, when the Yankees last won the World Series, called Derek Jeter “my man.” Fair-weather shrew.

She defends Demi Moore in Kick him out on his Ashton. Why? “Because I hate seeing a gal, even a pseudo-intellectual airhead, humiliated.” Luckily, calling someone “a pseudo-intellectual airhead” in a national publication isn’t humiliating.

She defends government employees who refuse to do what they’re paid to do in Let clerks say, ‘I don’t’ (which must make her gay-married niece so proud!). “Upstate Ledyard’s town clerk, Rose Marie Belforti, a Christian, refuses to sign marriage licenses for same-sex couples, who are sent to her deputy. Now, Belforti’s livelihood is at stake.” Mandrea goes on to explain that the Marriage Equality Act is hypocritical and “doesn’t protect the religious rights of those who toil as clerks. This is wrong. This is discriminatory. It must end.” But there’s one detail she leaves out of her passionate defense of law-breaking homophobes: ROSE MARIE BELFORTI DOESN’T HAVE A DEPUTY and she knows it. So when she tells same-sex couples that they can get a signature from her deputy, she’s lying to them. Which I’m sure Jesus appreciates.

Finally, HEY, HEY, HO, HO! TIME TO GO! explains why Occupy Wall Street should shut down their protest. “After weeks, I still haven’t heard a coherent explanation as to what protesters are trying to accomplish. Just that Michael Moore, who’s raked in millions from movies that demonize corporations that hire his friends and family, approves. That was fun. Now it’s time to say good night. And sleep in a bed.”

You want a coherent explanation, Mandrea? Here’s one that Fox News got (though they chose not to air it… I wonder why):

Charles Gasparino (senior correspondent for Fox Business Network) writes the op-ed Wall Street Die-Back: Feds choking golden goose, which begins, “The weirdo protesters ‘occupying’ Wall Street in recent days ought to be rampaging in Washington — because it’s the feds who’ve been choking the golden tax-revenue goose.”

He lost me at “weirdo.”

Claire Atkinson gives Two Broke Girls a B+ and calls it the “best-rated new fall show.”

I made it through the first two episodes. It is painfully bad. It’s almost as bad as Whitney (I could barely sit through the pilot).

Remember when there was incredibly funny TV shows on every night? Me neither.

After 778 consecutive weeks, Tiger Woods has dropped out of the top 50 in the world ranking of golfers.

Maybe he should start fucking porn stars again?

Linda 3Starsi reviews the season premiere of House.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Monday.

I have a rehearsal tonight, but I am confident that I will be all caught up by morning.

Happy Tuesday!

Anne Hathaway is on today’s cover in her Catwoman costume. Because obviously that’s a very important news story.

David K. Li’s follow-up on page 9 (Anne duds a purr-fect fit [see what he did there?]) informs us that “The first photos from the set of Hathaway in the sexy full-length outfit, which she’ll be wearing in The Dark Knight Rises, drew criticism from some Batman fanatics who want to know where Catwoman’s tail went and questioned how nimble the feline femme fatale could be in high-heel boots.”

But my favorite part of the article is this: “Jerry Stephan, a comic-book expert who grades collectibles’ conditions for Heritage Auctions, said Hathaway’s Catwoman look is spot-on. ‘[Catwoman] has been wearing a black leather costume for some time now. She’s been away from that purple and green outfit since the ’40s,’ Stephan said.”

The costume he’s referring to is this one (as featured in Batman #42 from August-September 1947):

Here it is again in Batman #65 (June-July 1951):

And in Detective Comics #211 (September 1954):

And in a comic-book giveaway in specially-marked boxes of Pop-Tarts (1966):

And in Batman #266 (August 1975):

And in Detective Comics #562 (May 1986):

And in Detective Comics #570 (January 1987):

There are many other comic books, but I think I’ve made my point. I am more of a comic-book expert than Mr. Stephan.

And yet, somehow, a wonderful lady agreed to marry me.

The other (EXCLUSIVE) cover story is Philip Messing’s RIDE ‘N’ WRONG: PA’s top cop promotes his 2 chauffeurs, which begins, “The Port Authority’s top cop [Michael Fedorko, 66] blatantly flouted the rules to promote his two personal chauffeurs to the rank of sergeant — letting them leapfrog over dozens of more qualified officers, angry critics told The Post.”

“While the pair [Robert J. Coccodrilli, 44, and Georgeos Masouridis, 35] passed the required written exam, they were not among the 60 cops who were then randomly selected for the final group up for consideration, from which, ultimately, only 16 would be chosen for promotion partly based on their superiors’ recommendations.”

I wonder if Mr. Fedorko has been a cop for 20 years. If so, when they fire him for criminal negligence, he’ll still collect his full pension.

(waves miniature American flag)

“Last month’s tempest [Hurricane Irene] cost the cash-strapped transit agency $110 million in operating and repair costs, officials said yesterday.”

I demand to see the receipts.

Sally Goldenberg’s Pols bid to slow down bike lanes is about how the City Council is expected to pass a bill that will force the Department of Transportation to consult neighborhood community boards before “simply slapping bike lanes wherever it pleases.”

And, in the spirit of being fair and balanced, Sally provides two “Case Studies” to discuss the pros and cons of bike lanes. The first is titled Hell on wheels and the second is Psycho cyclist.

The Post hates bike lanes (and cyclists in general) because some cyclist don’t obey traffic laws and end up hitting pedestrians. Therefore, they want to remove the bike lanes and make it harder to ride your bikes in the streets of New York City. So here’s my question: By the Post’s own logic, shouldn’t we do the same thing with guns?

(I looked up “self-satisfied” in Google Images)

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has vetoed a $420,000 tax credit that was scheduled to go to MTV for Jersey Shore.

Wow. If only he’d run for president…

“Getting a Long Island Rail Road train to Grand Central is going to take a lot longer than anticipated — about 16 months longer. Red-faced MTA officials admitted they are so far behind on the multi-billion-dollar East Side Access project that they will completely blow their September 2016 deadline.”

I know something else they can completely blow.

[SPOILER] The Boston Red Sox were up 3-2 in the 9th inning of the last game of the regular season (against the Baltimore Orioles) and the New York Yankees were up 7-0 in the 8th inning of their final game (against the Tampa Bay Rays). The Sox and the Yankees both managed to lose. That means that Tampa advances to the playoffs and Boston has the rest of the year off. Which makes the following story even more enjoyable:

“[Red Sox pitcher John Lackey], who signed a $82.5 million free-agent contract contract before the 2010 season, wears a pink rubber bracelet on his left wrist while on the mound in support of breast-cancer victims. Yet he filed for divorce just two months after [his wife] Krista Lackey, 31, suffered through an emergency round of chemotherapy. She had already undergone a double mastectomy in March — after miscarrying just months earlier.”

He’s single, ladies!

And probably donating to Newt Gingrich’s campaign.

The good news: A story connected to Occupy Wall Street is on page 5!

The bad news: It’s three sentences long (and written by two people — Josh Saul and Erin Calabrese).

The worse news: It’s about how the cop who pepper-sprayed defenseless and non-combative women has been made a victim.

“The hacker group Anonymous leaked the personal information of a deputy inspector they claim maced a group of Wall Street protesters Saturday — infuriating cops around the city. ‘Demonstrators claim solidarity with police then threaten them and their families,’ Deputy Commissioner Paul Browne said yesterday. The officer’s home was empty yesterday and was being watched by the NYPD.”

1) It’s not a claim, it’s a fact. He did it.

2) They claim solidarity with every police officer who doesn’t needlessly pepper-spray them.

3) The Post doesn’t name the officer, but I will — Anthony Bologna, here choking a protester:

(he’s in the white shirt)

And here he is pepper-spraying even more people:

That Ray Kelly (and this horrible newspaper) are defending this thug is reprehensible.

But Bologna looks like he’s been on the force for more than 20 years, so when he’s kicked off the force for criminal negligence and excessive violence, he’ll retain his full pension.

(puts miniature American flag in a drawer)

Rick Perry declared that Mitt Romney has “an integrity problem.”

In a related story, Fyvush Finkel called Moishe Oysher “too Jewish.”

“New York is dropping its requirement for vision tests to make it easier for drivers to renew licenses online or by mail… Starting tomorrow, drivers will ’self-certify’ that they meet the vision requirement.”

I can’t think of a downside to this. In fact, we should issue licenses completely on an honor system — if you think you’re OK to drive, you get a license. What could possibly go wrong?

Geoff Earle wants you to know that Obama’s recent trip to the West Coast “was rife for possibly awkward moments.”

There weren’t any (at least, none that Geoff mentions), but it’s important that you all know that awkward moment were possible.

B’also? Isn’t it “rife with“?

Josh Margolin tries to squeeze one last (I hope) article about Chris Christie’s (not at all) possible run in 2012 with CHRISTIE ON SHAM-PAIGN TRAIL: Stumping while ducking prez questions.

And by “ducking prez questions,” Josh means “repeatedly telling everyone that he isn’t running.”

There were 29.6% more subway felonies committed in August 2011 than there were in August 2010.

And that’s not including the crimes that the MTA are guilty of.

I hate the MTA so much.

I knew it was too good to last.

Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15) features a photo of a man carrying his wife’s purse with this caption: “The bump and the chump. Disgraced hubby Anthony Weiner is still trying to make nice with pregnant Huma Abedin by carrying her handbag for her in SoHo.”

Cindy Adams begins her column today with: “Jon Huntsman, the GOP’s newest stand-in for president…”

Fun Fact: Huntsman announced his candidacy in June.

She goes on to say this: “Peter Beard, publicist for people like Andrew Lloyd Webber and places like Qatar, met [Huntsman] in Singapore. Or China. Or Katz’s Deli. Who knows? Who cares?”

Fun Fact: There is literally no reason for Cindy Adams to be alive, let alone published.

“British researchers found that drinking in environments not usually associated with imbibing leaves people less capable of controlling their behavior.”

Note to self: AVOID THE ANGELIKA FILM CENTER AND ALL AMC THEATERS WITH LICENSED SITDOWN EATERIES.

The editorial Downtown Pep(per) Rally is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I’ve read in the Post in months (if not years).

“God created pepper spray to remind over-educated, undermotivated yuppie larvae that when a cop says ‘move on,’ it’s usually best to move on. About 80 urchins from the ongoing Wall Street whine-in failed to get the message over the weekend, and presently found themselves in custody on disorderly-conduct charges. Along the way, some protestors were pepper-sprayed. This puts The [New York] Times, which just hates it when cops do their jobs, into a swivet — but normal New Yorkers scarcely seemed to notice.”

The spelling of protesters as “protestors” and the use of the word “swivet” tells me the author isn’t American (and is clearly over-educated). The author is also a worthless piece of shit who delights in the unnecessary suffering of innocent people. The women that Anthony Bologna sprayed in the face were surrounded by orange netting. They were not fighting anyone and they couldn’t escape even if they wanted to. They were standing there because the police told them to stand there.

There’s more but I’m too angry to type it all. The piece concludes by pining for the day when all of the protesters go home. “They can take their pretensions with them.”

In a related story, Rick Perry declared that Mitt Romney has “an integrity problem.”

Lake Ronkonkoma’s Josephine Harkin writes, “With her rhetoric, [Elizabeth] Warren can win the Fidel Castro impersonation award. If this is what Harvard is teaching, we’re in big trouble. Not only does the White House need a clean sweep, so does academia.”

Adorable.

All of page 23 is devoted to A TALE OF TWO STATES: PA booms while NY suffers. The op-ed is written by Karen Moreau, who you may remember heads the Foundation for Land and Liberty, who still haven’t updated their horrible Web site.

Here’s a clip of Karen chatting with an idiot on Fox Business Network.

The Frack, Baby, Frack! graphic is prominently featured in today’s piece, along with this promise:

Tomorrow: How fracking really works

I hope Karen writes that, too! She’s grating!

That’s Patti Stanger, star of Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker. She was recently on Watch What Happens: Live chatting with host Andy Cohen. Here are some of the nice things she said:

“[New York women are] smart in business and dumb in love. The girls are jaded and I think they have a bitter complex.”

“Jewish men lie.”

“In the gay world, it will always be open [relationships]. There is no curbing the gay man… I have tried to curb you people.”

Now, I was always under the impression that Andy Cohen was still in the closet. If that were true, it became false when Patti said that.

Cohen replied, “I’m a gay, and I’m down for the monogamy.”

Bonus Points: After people started complaining about her comments, she tweeted this: “It’s true LA gays toughest nuts to crack to monogamy!” That was followed by: “Gay men [love] variety. Customary 4 them to hook up 1st get to know the man after. Commitment’s hard when there’s so much variety!” Surprisingly, that didn’t fix the problem. So she wrote: “I am so sorry. I did not mean to offend anyone with my comments last night on Watch What Happens Live.”

I look forward to continuing my streak of never watching her show.

And that’s Tuesday.

Before I begin, I would like to ask my loyal readers a small favor.

I have never asked you for money before, but I’m doing so now. Not for me, but for my wife and the TV pilot she just finished shooting in Montana. She needs $2,500 to finish production on it and has started a Kickstarter page in the hope that generous people will donate and help make that happen. She has already raised $775, but she needs more.

If you could donate just $5, it would help her bridge the gap between $775 and $2,500. Granted, $250 would be a much sturdier bridge, but we’re not greedy. There are hundreds of people who read this blog on a regular basis. Please go to Teresa’s page…

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/fishoutofwater/fish-out-of-water

…and donate whatever you can. I thank you in advance.

There’s a great photo on today’s cover of the P-51 Mustang seconds before it crashed into a crowd of spectators in Reno, Nevada (DEATH DIVE: Final moment of horrific Reno crash). And if you turn to page 5, you’ll see a large photo of the crash with human and engine parts flying through the air (or, as the caption reads, “Spectators witness Friday’s crash in which the vintage fighter and a number of attendees ‘disintegrated,’ in an observer’s words.”). The sub-headline is dripping with alliterative gore (Survivor: Plane & people in pieces) and the piece begins, “Hardly any pieces were left to pick up yesterday… The catastrophe was so quick and fast, victims seemed to just ‘disintegrate,’ said James Gosling, inventor of the Java computer language, who was just 50 feet away from the impact.”

Bonus Points: The last (23rd) paragraph (in its entirety) is “Meanwhile, at an air show in Martinsburg, W. Va., a fiery crash took place yesterday, killing the pilot, officials said.”

I know I said it just yesterday, but it bears repeating. America: STOP GOING TO AIR SHOWS.

Maura O’Connor’s Sparse ‘Day of Rage’ begins, “Only about 300 protestors, mostly college kids and aging hippies, showed up near the Stock Exchange for yesterday’s anti-Wall Street rally — far fewer than the 20,000 that organizers of the so-called global ‘Day of Rage’ had predicted.”

That looks like more than 300 people to me. Although, sometimes 300 people is all you need to change the world.

Bonus Points: The snarky O’Connor (who later refers to the turnout as “anemic”) manages to screw up one of her four sentences — see if you can guess what word is missing here (she’s referring to barricades that the police erected): “The barriers hardly needed.”

Solid work, fair and balanced corporate shill!

“Cops yesterday captured a Rambo wannabe after a frenzied, three-day, five-county chase through upstate New York. Unhinged West Virginia soldier Russell Marcum Jr. — a private first class in the Army’s storied 10th Mountain Division — had been eluding a police manhunt since Thursday, when he escaped confinement in his Fort Drum barracks by assaulting a corporal.”

Here’s are some Facebook postings from Marcum:

August 10, 2011: “Can shit get any worse?”

August 29, 2011: “Fucking bullshit.”

September 9, 2011: “What is the difference between me an [sic] you, I put my life on the line an [sic] train everyday an [sic] push myself to the breaking point.”

(the inset is him being arrested last night [photo by Josh Williams] and the larger photo is from his Facebook page)

Fun Facts: Russell was being confined because he was arrested for stealing a plasma TV from a storage unit in Watertown; after he struck the corporal, he stole his parents’ truck (they were visiting him); cops used spike strips to make him crash the truck but he managed to get away; he stole another car on Friday and police used OnStar to track him to the town of Virgil; and Russell is a White non-Muslim so we probably won’t hear much about this after today.

Michael Goodwin complains about the recent toll hikes and Mayor Bloomberg’s support of the bike-share program in Bikes & $$ hikes? Yikes, it’s Mike! (did an alliteration bomb go off in the Post offices?). He refers to Bloomberg’s claim that the hikes will help fund much-needed repairs to the city’s various bridges as “a fiction wrapped inside a scare tactic about falling bridges.”

My favorite piece is Obama leans further left, which begins, “One of the enduring mysteries of the Obama presidency is why he keeps leaning far left when independent voters make it clear they want a centrist in the White House.” Whenever someone argues that Obama is on the far left and not a centrist, an angel gets its wings burned off. If you’ve been paying attention to the last three years — and even if you haven’t — you know that Obama is hardly on the far left. But Goodwin repeats this erroneous mantra on a regular basis.

“[Obama] will employ — we’ve seen shades already — a scorched-earth negative campaign. He’ll fear-monger about ‘extreme’ GOP agendas, especially toward the elderly and the poor.” Let’s hope so. Because the GOP agendas (privatizing Social Security, turning Medicare into a voucher system, taxing the middle class but not the wealthiest fraction-of-a-percent, etc.) are extreme. But I don’t expect Goodwin to admit that — he thinks Obama’s extension of the Bush tax cuts was far-left socialism.

According to Page Six (today on page 10), Madonna is cutting “up to 10 minutes” from her movie W.E., which would make it only 105 minutes too long.

Page Six also reports that “Rob Shuter will wed Grammy-winning “Copacabana” songwriter Bruce Sussman at the Trump SoHo next month.”

Wait… the guy who wrote “Copacabana” is gay?

“Police in China discovered a real-life clown car when they pulled over an eight-passenger minivan and found 66 kids inside. None of the 4- and 5-year-olds appeared to be hurt.”

They were, however, late for work.

On page 21, Annie Karni’s Ted Kennedy’s eldest dies at 51 mourns the loss of Kara Kennedy Allen, whose “heart gave out” while she was exercising at a gym.

Directly beneath it is Cancer kills Mondale gal, which is about the death of 51-year-old Eleanor Mondale (daughter of Walter Mondale).

I would have thought that these two pieces could easily have been combined — two women whose fathers were famous politicians die within 24 hours of each other, both at the age of 51 — or at least reference each other. But I guess Annie Karni didn’t have time to meet with the second article’s author… Annie Karni.

Over in POSTSCRIPT, Wyclef Jean is quoted as saying, “I have to tell you this: I’m a huge fan of Sarah Palin. Cause she’s rad. She’s shrewd. She’s cool.” I see where he’s going with this. He’s hoping she notices that he looks a little like Glen Rice.

POSTSCRIPT also features a chart (with absolutely no citations!) that claims that 86% of Americans currently approve of interracial marriage (specifically marriages between Black and White people). That’s up 7% from 2008 and up 22% from 1998.

Of course, the 14% who disapprove doesn’t include the percentage of people who are ashamed to tell a pollster that they’re racist.

Manhattan’s Peter Nicholls writes in to say, “I find it interesting, but not surprising, that [Kyle] Smith used the 10th anniversary of 9/11 to attack the president specifically, and liberals in general. At a time when we should be united in remembering that tragic day, Smith saw fit to once again trot out the tired old lie that liberals hate America and take great joy in seeing it hurt, humiliated and hopefully destroyed. Has he no decency?”

I’ll field this one. (clears throat) No.

“Next month, the University of Chicago is holding a one-day conference on ‘Jersey Shore Studies,’ an academic look at MTV’s wildly popular reality series.” Student David Showalter got $5,000 in funding from the school for the conference, “which will conduct panel discussions on ‘Guido Sexuality,’ ‘The Jersey Saga: Honor Culture in Medieval Iceland and Modern Seaside’ and other highbrow topics inspired by the show.”

And that’s how the U of C helped coin the phrase “lower education.”

ASK ASHLEY!

I recently met a sweet, fun-spirited, family-oriented guy on a dating Web site. We met at the end of June after texting and talking for a bit. We have a lot in common, and he is everything I’m looking for in a boyfriend. He lives in Long Island, and I live in Staten Island close to New Jersey. Since I work in NYC, I suggested we meet up in the city for drinks, but he’s insisting on me traveling to him. But if he were a gentleman, wouldn’t he make it his business to come to me? What’s your take on this? — Sleepless in Staten Island

ASHLEY: “The fact that you met him online makes me wonder about his intentions.”

ME: “Why don’t you just do what he’s asking you to do? Go meet him and if you don’t hit it off, then the trip was worth it for the closure. But if you decide not to see him just because you don’t want to go to Long Island, you’ll always wonder if he was the right man for you. Also, the fact that you met him online makes Ashley wonder about your intentions.”

I’m a successful and good-looking (so people say!) guy that happens to be uncircumcised. I’ve noticed that girls’ reactions tend to vary widely upon first look. Most girls seem to think it’s kind of cool in a curious way, but some I’m not so sure about. What are your thoughts on this and how to deal with future encounters? — Jack

ASHLEY: “I’d actually suggest making a joke about it. Say something along the lines of, ‘Yeah, my mom really screwed up on this one! But don’t worry, I plan on saving any son of mine from the embarrassment.’”

ME: “Always wear a turtleneck. Or, consider this.”

From that Metallica/Anthrax/Slayer/Megadeth concert (“The Big 4″) that was supposed to cause riots in The Bronx:

Look at all those people lift that heavy metal.

Mariano Rivera got his 601st save last night, tying him with Trevor Hoffman for the most saves of all time.

The Yankees’ magic numbers are 5 (to clinch a playoff spot) and 8 (to clinch the AL East).

And that’s Sunday.