Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Longtime reader Scott F. in California has sent me a YouTube clip of Cindy Adams’ recent appearance on TV. Do not watch if you have just eaten or are about to eat:

As someone who reads the Post every day, I recognize almost everything she says from her columns (though the fact that she [allegedly] wrote it herself doesn’t seem to help her deliver it competently). But it made me realize that I have never searched for any video clips of her before. So I looked on YouTube and found this:

It isn’t really a video, true, but it did introduce me to this:

Notice the part at the bottom: “The hilarious adventures of Mr. and Mrs.” Nice typesetting, MGM!

In case any of you were wondering what to get me for Christmas 2012, I really, really want Cindy Adams to die.

We closed early today, so I went to Target to see if I could find Teresa a nice treat. Memo to self: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN (especially on December 24th but also, ever).

So I went down 5th Avenue (in Brooklyn, not Manhattan), got some Chinese take-out and have settled into bed for an old-school Christmas like I used to have when I was single:

(Teresa is at our friend’s Christmas party but the MTA and my job are not conducive to my raging in Williamsburg tonight)

I didn’t make a holiday wage at my not-in-a-Seattle-movie-theater job (which I actually enjoy), but other than that this song feels especially appropriate.

Also, I drank vodka all day and wound up naked in front of the patients.

Happy Holidays!

Demi Moore has decided to end her marriage to Ashton Kutcher after just six years. Everyone pretend to care and/or be surprised.

But that story only gets one page of follow-up. The real front-page story is on the bottom third of the cover — Occupy Wall Street “selfishly made life miserable yesterday for the working stiffs whose jobs they claim to be protecting.”

“But the demonstrations — part of the movement’s ‘Day of Action’ — ultimately failed to accomplish their goals of crippling the New York Stock Exchange and shutting down subway lines and the Brooklyn Bridge.” And those were their goals according to… who (besides this awful paper)?

“Even top NYPD brass weren’t afraid of mixing it up with the masses. NYPD Chief of Department Joseph Esposito, the city’s highest-ranking uniformed officer, went face to face with protesters near the Stock Exchange. At one point, Esposito held a demonstrator by the throat while he exchanged heated words with another.” I wish the Post provided a photo of this. Preferably one featuring Esposito’s boner.

“Rep. Michael Grimm has had it up to here with grime. ‘Buy a bar of soap, and head home,’ the freshman Republican from Staten Island snapped at the Occupy Wall Street crowd. He called the protesters a bunch of ‘lowlifes.’” Will Staten Island allow this putz to become a sophomore representative? Probably. Because they’re all a bunch of lowlifes.

(And if anyone from Staten Island takes offense at that, they should equally take offense to the man that represents them referring to the OWS protesters using the same derogatory term. They should, but they probably won’t. Because they’re a bunch of lowlifes.)

But my favorite piece is Hannah Rappleye, Ikimulisa Livingston and Jeane MacIntosh’s Ready riot cops whack back at OWS hooligans on page 8. It begins, “It was a blur of batons, beatings and blood.” I want to say that that’s the most offensive thing I’ve ever read in the Post but, sadly, it isn’t even close.

“‘I saw somebody kick the [barricade] — and all of a sudden, the police kicked in and cracked his head,’ a protester named Tim, 20, said after witnessing a Zuccotti Park confrontation that left a comrade bleeding profusely before he was hauled off to a police van. ‘They were stepping on his face… They were hitting with batons. They bum-rushed him and slammed his head down,’ said the bystander. ‘One put his foot on the guy’s head.’”

His name is Brandon Watts. He was the first person to set up a tent (besides the medical tent) in Zuccotti Park. He is accused of grabbing the hat off of a police officer’s head.

(waves miniature American flag)

John Podhoretz’s Rally is really a tantrum by decry babies is a smarmy, condescending dismissal of everything about OWS. “Wall Street is no longer the issue, if it ever was. The protest remains a series of vague bleats against student debt and income inequality… Occupy Wall Street has come to play a role in this city not unlike the role an emotionally explosive child plays in a caring and concerned home.” I’m not sure who the caring and concerned home is in this metaphor. Is it New York City? America? Zuccotti Park? Capitalism?

“It is not purposeful. It is raw negative emotion. It is about itself. It accomplishes nothing. It is collective narcissism at its most unattractive. Just like Occupy Wall Street yesterday. Just like Occupy Wall Street for the past two months.” You could apply the first five sentences here to almost everything Podhoretz writes.

Geoff Earle’s Obama’s Asian sales trip is only six paragraphs long. Why so short? Because it discusses the “$25 billion worth of deals between US companies and Asian buyers” and how “the deals could support 127,000 jobs, with the Boeing deal alone producing 110,000 jobs in 43 states.”

Much more ink is devoted to Singer’s ‘bimbo’ limbo: Suit: Mgr. called me slutty! It tells the story of Annet Artani, a singer I have never heard of (and will never hear of again).

Remember when I told you you’d hear more about how Lord Tim Bell hates The Iron Lady (which he hasn’t seen) because “its only value is to make some money for [Meryl Streep]“? Well, Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15) reports that Streep “cut her fee on the film to $1 million and donated the proceeds to charity.”

Oops.

In today’s column, Thou can steal a bit, Cindy Adams would like you to make her feel better about her lack of scruples.

“Ever grab a newspaper and, lacking the correct change when the seller’s busy and it’s raining and you’re late and the train’s leaving, just cop a copy without plopping down the required amount? No?? Never???”

Cindy, there’s almost no way to justify buying the New York Post. Don’t try to justify stealing it.

The death of Natalie Wood is being looked at again by Los Angeles police. They say they have “new information.”

This should make the 28th anniversary edition of the Brainstorm DVD sell like hotcakes!

“A longtime assistant coach [Bernie Fine] of Syracuse University’s famed basketball program is under investigation for alleging [sic] sexually abusing a ball boy, police said yesterday.”

His defense? He just assumed that’s what ball boys were there for.

James Panero’s A Boring Blasphemy: B’klyn Museum’s shock schlock begins, “Why wait for Black Friday to begin the tedious ‘War on Christmas’? The Brooklyn Museum has already begun the annual attack on Christian sensibilities in the name of free speech with its ‘controversial’ exhibition, ‘Hide/Seek: Difference and Desire in American Portraiture.’”

Even the people who make up the War on Christmas find it tedious! Bonus Points: James includes a full-color photo from the “controversial” piece (even he can’t call it that without putting it in quotes) — of ants crawling on a crucified Jesus Christ.

Why do you hate Christianity so much, James?

The editorial Loud, But Lame is a retread of John Podhoretz’s immature poo-pooing of yesterday protests.

“As apocalyptic acts of public protests go, yesterday’s Occupy Wall Street act-out was a bit of a piffle… There was an effort to disrupt subway service. Didn’t happen. And there were to be acts of ‘massive’ civil disobedience at Foley Square and the Brooklyn Bridge. Didn’t happen, either.”

1) There was no effort to disrupt subway service.

2) There were tens of thousands of people both at Foley Square and on the Brooklyn Bridge.

3) Only homosexual Europeans use the word “piffle.”

“There were nowhere near the ‘tens of thousands’ of demonstrators who were supposed to fan out across the five boroughs and convulse New York.” Yes, there were.

“Bottom line, though: It seems that Occupy Wall Street has passed its sell-by date — and even the Occupiers know it.” You’ve been saying that for over a month. You continue to be wrong.

Bill O’Reilly’s Media Remain Obama’s Ace is hilarious.

“So far in 2011, morning network correspondents have labeled Republican candidates as conservative 49 times. They’ve referred to Obama as a liberal only once.”

And how many times have those Republican candidates referred to themselves as conservatives? Hundreds? Thousands?

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Sara Stewart gives two stars to The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1 (“everything’s all soap-operatic close-ups and weirdly political hand-wringing”).

Kyle Smith gives one star to Another Happy Day (“So the title is ironic. Thanks for that profound insight.”), one and a half stars to both Happy Feet Two (“It would be exaggerating only slightly to say this film stinks on ice.”) and Tyrannosaur (“sorry British art-house exploitation”), and two and a half stars to Garbo: The Spy (“fascinating”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to The Heir Apparent: Largo Winch (violence, sex, nudity) and three stars to both In Heaven, Underground (preoccupation with death) and King of Devil’s Island (male nudity, violence).

Lou Lumenick gives two and a half stars to The Lie (“interesting low-budget adaptation of a T.C. Boyle short story”) and two stars to Rid of Me (“mumblecore-ish, horror-tinged romantic drama”).

Paul Schwartz wrote a full-page article about how the New York Giants’ Justin Tuck is underperforming. I will now give you ten seconds to come up with Paul’s headline.

Eight seconds left.

Five seconds left.

Two more seconds.

Pencils down.

The correct answer is… JUSTIN ‘SUCK’

But you all guessed that, right?

Linda 3Starsi reviews the PBS documentary American Masters: Woody Allen (or, as she calls it, Woody Allen: American Masters). She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s… last Friday.

I’m really going to have to re-think how I write this blog.

Happy Saturday!

Sexy lady in lingerie + man fired for not reporting rape of 10-year-old boy = the sexiest/unsexiest cover on the newstands.

Incidentally, this made me smile (if you don’t know why, don’t worry about it — the explanation isn’t worth it):

An audit by state Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli has revealed that a Metro-North signals unit “padded their paychecks with more than $1 million in unnecessary overtime by manipulating work rules designed to keep passengers safe.”

Over “two dozen railroad-signal workers on the Harlem and Hudson lines” were paid “for zero work.”

“‘If I had to name the top five jobs in this country, this would have to be, hands down, No. 1,’ Anthony Picano told auditors. Of the $145,453 he made last year, he was paid $28,685 for doing nothing. The waste of taxpayer funds involved supervisors green-lighting employees to work 7:30 to 4 p.m. shifts, even though their jobs couldn’t be started until later, when service slowed down. The workers would then rack up obscene amounts of OT by staying late to get the work done. And once any railroad worker is on the job for more than 12 hours, he or she automatically gets a fully paid ‘rest shift’ as required under a federal safety law.”

You know what would make MTA and Metro-North employees think twice about committing fraud like this? If the people who get caught doing it are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

“Bronx police-union delegates — furious over the handling of the NYPD ticket-fixing scandal — yesterday called for their leader’s head and then stormed out of a meeting when he refused to step down, sources told The Post. In a pre-planned protest, as many as 500 as many as 400 about 50 Bronx delegates from the Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association stood and demanded the ouster of PBA President Pat Lynch at the union’s general meeting at a Queens catering hall.”

Following the meeting, Lynch had those delegates pepper-sprayed and beaten with sticks.

Geoff Earle’s Fir-get Christmas-tree fee begins, “Call it a Christmas miracle: The feds are chopping a new 15-cent fee on Christmas trees just a day after the Grinch-like idea was announced. The fee, published Tuesday in the Federal Register, was sought by a group of growers and is backed by the National Christmas Tree Association… The tax scheme got panned after it was reported on a blog written by Heritage Foundation honcho David Addington, and the White House caved before President Obama could be painted as a Scrooge.”

1) I’m sure Jesus is thrilled that Geoff considers not paying an extra $0.15 for your Christmas tree a Christmas miracle.

2) In all honesty, if the price of your tree went up $0.15, would you even notice?

3) Someone from the Post is praising something that the Heritage Foundation said or did? What are the odds!

4) Apparently it wasn’t too late to paint Obama as a Scrooge, as demonstrated by Geoff’s article.

Philip Messing and Bob Fredericks’ NYPD IS RABBLE ROUSED: Elite detectives at OWS explains that “The NYPD has moved three elite Manhattan homicide detectives and a deputy chief to the raucous Occupy Wall Street protest in response to a rash of sex attacks, thefts and vandalism.” None of which constitutes a homicide.

“[S]ome cops called it a waste of manpower. ‘Sending homicide detectives to investigate vandalism and lost-property cases is a little much,’ chuckled one police official. Another police official called it an overreaction, adding, ‘If you have graffiti on your mailbox, call up and see how long it’ll take to get a criminal-mischief report filed.’”

But why would the NYPD send “elite” homicide detectives to an area that hasn’t had a homicide? Might the daily fear-mongering of the Post be at least partially responsible?

[SPOILER: Yes.]

…

This is as far as I got many days ago. I am now sitting on seven issues of the New York Post. I’m going back to work on Saturday and Sunday, so I can’t catch up on the weekend. And on the days that I work, I leave before Teresa is awake (usually at 7:30 a.m.) and get home exhausted (usually at around 10:30 p.m.). I miss my wife.

So here’s what I’m going to (try to) do.

Tomorrow (Friday), I am going to get up bright and early and try to get through as many horrible newspapers as I can. I can no longer devote three-six hours a day to each entry in this blog, but traffic has never been higher and the feedback has never been more complimentary (with the exception of the phone call I got from an attorney friend of Mr. Andrea Peyser [Mark Phillips] requesting [unofficially, he claimed] that I remove all references to Phillips being a possible [REDACTED] — more on that in a moment), so I don’t want to just take a vacation or discard the last week’s papers. I want to ride the site’s momentum to fame and fortune. Just bear with me while I try and figure out how to keep doing this without destroying my marriage and mind.

Despite the precedent set by Isaac Eiland-Hall, the man behind GlennBeckRapedAndMurderedAYoungGirlin1990.com, it occurred to me (after the aforementioned friendly chat with his attorney friend) that Mark Phillips is not a public figure and he doesn’t write hateful and ignorant screeds for a living. I have no beef with him. In fact, I have great sympathy for the man. It can’t be easy to share a bed with Mandrea — I have a hard enough time looking at the heavily airbrushed photo at the top of her columns.

Therefore, over the next few days, I will go into the archive and remove all references to Mr. Phillips being a suspected [REDACTED]. Additionally, I’d like to apologize to him. I was (clumsily) trying to make a statement about the spurious logic of his spouse (and the paper she works for).

To be clear: I have never seen or heard anything at all that would imply that Mark Phillips has ever been guilty of anything. His reputation, as far as I know, is impeccable. And if one can have unimpeachable ethics despite not killing Andrea Peyser despite having numerous opportunities on a daily basis, then Phillips has those, too. And I am sincerely sorry for ever implying otherwise (regardless of satirical intent).

See you all tomorrow.

The Post continues to besmirch every aspect of Occupy Wall Street. ZUCCOTTI PARK’S BIG TOP: Gals-only structure set up to guard against pervs perfectly illustrates the damned-if-they-do-and-damned-if-they-don’t position the Post has put OWS in. First they claim the protesters allow sexual assaults in the park, then they mock them for doing something about it.

“Some of the male OWS protesters remained in denial over the growing number of sex attacks. ‘Sexual harassment gets called rape, and it’s not,’ one scoffed when told of the women’s tent. ‘There’s no way that it’s happening as much as people are saying it has. It’s just word spreading and getting misunderstood.’”

How come when a protester says that sexual harassment gets exaggerated he’s scoffing, but when Herman Cain says it he’s heroically fighting against a racist, liberal media smear campaign?

“Yesterday, former Mayor 9iu11ani said President Obama must take responsibility for the ‘very dangerous’ OWS movement. ‘Barack Obama owns the ‘Occupy Wall Street’ movement; it would not have happened but for his class warfare, 9iu11ani told the conservative Americans for Prosperity Foundation summit in DC.”

In case you forgot, the AFP was founded by the Koch Brothers. And they are two of the only Americans that the foundation wants to make more prosperous.

Other OWS articles include Todd Venezia’s $kinning fat cat Moore, which begins, “Gasbag Michael Moore went ballistic yesterday after a reporter asked him if he was really among the hated richest ‘1 percent’ of Americans during an Occupy Denver event.” That reporter is Evrod Cassimy. Here’s a photo:

Sexy.

“Moore had just finished railing against greedy rich people to a group of Occupy Denver protesters — while also showing some corporate-style synergy during his Denver visit by holding a signing to promote his new book, according to CBS.”

You know who else is currently on a book-signing tour?

Rebecca Harshbarger and Helen Freund’s Camper’s Mac attack reports that “a Zuccotti Park protester threw a violent fit in a McDonald’s yesterday after employees refused to give him free food. Fisika Bezabeh, 27, ripped a credit-card reader from a counter and threw it at workers at about 2:30 a.m. at the Mickey D’s at 160 Broadway, a bathroom spot for protesters.”

I like how a homeless person goes crazy in a McDonald’s near Zuccotti Park and he’s automatically an OWS protester.

Don’t forget to do nothing while your phones and computers set themselves back an hour for Daylight Savings Time.

“Mayor Bloomberg spent more campaign funds in 2011 than any candidate in New York — and he’s not even running for office.”

Yet.

“A United Express pilot convicted of flying while drunk will serve six months in prison.”

Maybe if the consequences were more dire, there wouldn’t be so many pilots flying drunk?

“A Bronx man [Karriem Barrow] was convicted yesterday in White Plains federal court of robbing a Bronx restaurant and seven suburban banks at the beginning of last year.”

He now faces… “a minimum of 200 years in prison.”

But when banks steal money from us, they don’t even get charged.

“ABC/Washington Post poll taken after the Herman Cain scandal broke shows he’s jumped 7 points among GOP voters in the past month.”

What else can he do to boost his support? He’s already said he’d force victims of rape and/or incest to carry their babies to term, he’s against homosexuals doing pretty much anything… maybe he can murder an illegal immigrant with his bare hands?

“‘I have attracted a little attention,’ [Cain] joke, in a defiant speech in Washington to a Tea Party-affiliated group Americans for Prosperity… Cain went on to pitch his 9-9-9 tax plan and called for an ‘attitude adjustment’ at the Environmental Protection Agency, drawing a big response from the crowd.”

Of course! Bashing the EPA! That ought to help him widen his lead.

According to Page Six (today on page 10), Lindsay Lohan “crashed the party for Leonardo DiCaprio’s movie J. Edgar‘ and made such a scene she made A-list attendees uncomfortable’… Lohan has to turn herself in to jail by Wednesday to serve a 30-day sentence. But this didn’t stop her from turning up at the Hollywood Roosevelt with her hair and makeup still done up from her earlier Playboy shoot.”

I’m really going to miss her.

Former Gov. Jesse Ventura has vowed that he’ll “never stand for the national anthem again” and will “spend more time in his beloved Mexico” after a judge ruled that his airport-security lawsuit (which he filed against the government, alleging that airport scans and patdowns constitute unreasonable search and seizure) should have been filed in appeals court.

Ventura “said he has not decided whether to continue pressing the suit.”

My, what strong convictions you have, Jesse.

Todd Venezia writes today’s Weird BUT true sidebar. He tells the story of Rickie La Touche, who was recently convicted of killing his wife — because she smashed his collection of Star Wars action figures. Sadly, Todd got his name wrong (it isn’t “Rickie La-Touche”).

There’s also the story of a man in Alabama (Montigo Arrington) who updated his Facebook status to “Has any 1 else eva thought bout strappin a bomb on n walk n a police department n blowin da [expletive deleted] up?” Arrington was on probation at the time, so the police went to his home and discovered a stash of kiddie porn. Todd almost makes a joke in the first sentence of this three-sentence piece: “Here’s a good way to turn to Facebook status to ‘jailed.’” Todd’s really good at his job.

Bonus Points: I found a picture of Montigo:

And ladies? He’s single…

Daniel Freedman’s Patron Devil of ‘Occupy’ is all about Guy Fawkes. It even includes a photo of OWS protesters wearing Guy Fawkes masks. Oddly, there’s a word that doesn’t appear anywhere in the entire half-page op-ed: Anonymous.

Is it possible that Freedman forgot that Anonymous popularized the use of the Guy Fawkes masks long before OWS started? But why would he forget? I know of no reason why the hacker group’s fashion should ever be forgot.

Happy Guy Fawkes’ Day!

Brooklyn’s George Najarian writes in about Kim Kardashian divorce from whoever she was married to (Kris something?). “When I heard about the impending divorce, I became so upset that I ran into my kitchen and stuck my head into the oven. I even lost a bet with a friend when I said the marriage wouldn’t last longer than two weeks.” I love it when sarcasm contradicts itself.

But Sydney, Australia’s Jane Wallace sides with Kim (and loose women in general). “My grandmother used to say that men came good at Christmas and went bad at Easter. Christmas to Easter is about 72 days. Now Kardashian lives by my grandmother’s old wives’ tale. She was married for 72 days and now wants a divorce. That’s long enough to put up with any man. Why should any woman waste herself on just one man per year when she could have four men per year?” Um… love?

Bill O’Reilly’s The Measure of Experience claims that “a new Quinnipiac survey [asked]: ‘Does the fact that Herman Cain never served in public office make you more likely to vote for him for president, less likely to vote for him for president, or doesn’t it make a difference?’ Well, 43 percent said it doesn’t make a difference, 41 percent would be less likely to vote for Cain, and just 14 percent would be more likely to support him. The takeaway from this poll is that close to 60 percent of Americans don’t believe any political experience is necessary in order to run the country.”

Actually, Bill, 14% of the respondents said Cain’s lack of experience makes them more likely to vote for him, 43% said his lack of experience doesn’t affect their intention to vote (or not vote) for him, and 41% said his lack of experience would make them less likely to vote for him. The true takeaway from this poll, then, is that you aren’t very good at interpreting poll results.

Linda 3Starsi reviews Lifetime’s The Pastor’s Wife.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Saturday.

More to come…

“District attorneys in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and Staten Island have dismissed tips that cops in their areas are involved in the ticket-fixing scandal — despite The Bronx DA’s indictment of as many as 500 as many as 400 16 on felony charges. Politically, ‘no one wants to touch it,’ a source said.”

(from the follow-up on page 7) “The elected DAs also have to worry about the political fallout of declaring war on the NYPD in cop-friendly boroughs. ‘They don’t want to shoot themselves in the foot,’ said a law-enforcement source. ‘[Bronx DA Robert] Johnson shot himself in the foot. His already-abysmal conviction rate will get even lower.”

So the police plan on doing sloppier work — and letting more criminals go unpunished and/or purposely botch cases that are brought before a judge? Isn’t there a (great many) law(s) against doing that?

“Germany’s mountain of national debt has been declared $78 billion lower because of a bad calculation by a mortgage lender.”

Silly Germany. Don’t they know that debt is never the fault of the mortgage lenders? It’s those Spendocrats in Washington!

Yesterday’s 1.2 inches of snowfall from a “freak killer wintery storm” broke the New York record for October (since 1925, it was 0.8 inches). In the last 135 years, we’d had snow in October just four times (including yesterday).

“More than half a million were without power in New Jersey — including Gov. Chris Christie.”

Christie reportedly panicked and ate his family and house.

Tim Perone’s Herman surges in Iowa reports that “Herman Cain’s surprising climb to the top of the Republican presidential field continues as a significant new poll released last night has him leading the pack in the all-important state of Iowa.” The article also mentions Mitt Romney (who got 22% to Cain’s 23%), Michele Bachmann (who “embarrassingly fell 14 points from the August straw poll, which she won”) and Rick Perry (who “was in fifth place with 7 percent”).

Not mentioned? Ron Paul, who won two separate tallies for the National Federation of Republican Assemblies Presidential Straw Poll — one of them with 82% of the vote.

“A dozen Americans were among 17 people killed in a suicide bomb attack in Kabul yesterday that underscores Afghanistan’s instability as the United States and other nations withdraw troops.”

Actually, what the deaths underscore is that we aren’t withdrawing quickly enough.

Michael Goodwin complains that Hillary Clinton gloated and laughed about Moammar Khadafy’s death on a video, “saying, ‘We came, we saw, he died.’ Now imagine the outrage if a Republican behaved that way.’”

You mean like when Mike Huckabee said, “Welcome to Hell, bin Laden” after his death?

Or how the GOP’s most influential member (Rush Limbaugh) responded to Khadafy’s death (“Barry did it!  Barry did it again!  He killed another bad guy. Barry did it!  Now, Hillary is over there, and she might want to take credit for pulling the trigger, but Barry did it, folks.  Mubarak gone.  Ali Velshi or whatever of Tunisia gone, Bin Laden gone, Khadafy gone, Barry did it!  The Drive-Bys are having orgasms.  We’ve never had this competent a foreign policy president ever.  Why, this guy, Barry, has done what eight presidents starting with Nixon couldn’t do.  Reagan tried it. Nixon tried it.  Every president since Nixon tried to get rid of Khadafy, but Barry did it.”)?

Goodwin also has a lot to say about Occupy Wall Street (‘Lord of Flies’ in Zuccotti Park).

“Their invasion is costing downtown Manhattan businesses and residents a boatload of money. But watching the Occupy Wall Street vagabonds bang their heads against the laws of human nature — that’s priceless!”

“In fact, the problems the protesters face are almost enough for me to hope the police don’t break up the party. The Lord of the Flies descent from utopia to petty power struggles, in front of TV cameras, is a political-science lesson, not to mention deliciously ironic. Running a protest movement apparently involves a lot of dirty work and isn’t so much fun. Imagine how hard it is to run the world!” OK, so Goodwin is an asshole. We’ve known this for some time. But wait — it gets better.

“A radical group called the Alliance for Global Justice is legally sponsoring the protest… Its Web site says the group sponsors operations in the Gaza Strip, with Hamas, and boasts of an alliance with Anarchists Against the Wall, which contests Israel’s security barrier in the West Bank. The group suggests it has a relationship with Iran, supported the Sandinista revolution in Nicaragua and expresses solidarity with Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez against the United States.” So if you support OWS, the terrorists win.

“On the campaign trail, [Obama] often invokes the phrase ‘We can’t wait’ for Congress to act. The Global Justice site links to a group called The World Can’t Wait that has the latest information on the occupations. Hmmmm.” OMG! Obama is also a terrorist! And so is the band Nu Shooz!

Page Six is on pages 10 and 11 today.

“Cops in Indianapolis are searching for a guy who broke into a day-care center, found the children’s bathing suits, and tried on several before strolling through the building in a two-piece pink bikini.”

Andrea Peyser’s husband, Mark Phillips, has neither confirmed nor denied his guilt.

Fishermen found a three-eyed fish in a reservoir near a nuclear power plant in Cordoba, Argentina.

Not quite as adorable as The Simpsons led me to believe it would be.

Susannah Cahalan’s MEET THE WORST FAMILY ON EARTH: A glimpse inside the heartless, miserable, greedy and vain world of the Madoffs (also featured on today’s cover) features photos and bios of what we can only assume are the five worst Madoffs: Bernie, Ruth, Andrew, Mark and Stephanie.

And how is Stephanie heartless, miserable, greedy and/or vain?

“Mark Madoff’s second and last wife had met with a divorce lawyer and changed her last name — two things that made Mark even more despondent. Andrew blames Stephanie for ‘taking a bad situation and making it worse.’”

What a bitch.

Southern Peru was hit with a magnitude-6.9 earthquake yesterday.

Thus disproving global warming climate change.

Kate Hudson’s father Bill Hudson’s new book (Two Versions: The Other Side of Fame and Family) “portrays his ex-wife [Goldie Hawn] as a cocaine-sniffing sexpot who loved European men and referred to herself in the third person.”

That still doesn’t explain why Kate Hudson married that old hippie… or does it?

More Occupy Wall Street coverage on page 23!

ZUCCOTTI PERV: Fiend attacks protester in her tent reports that “A sex fiend barged into a woman’s tent and sexually assaulted her at around 6 a.m., said protesters, who chased him from the park. ‘Pervert! Pervert! Get the fuck out!’ said vigilante Occupiers, who never bothered to call the cops.”

A woman “who called herself Leslie, but refused to give her real name” (allegedly) told the Post that “weeks earlier another woman was raped. ‘We don’t tell anyone,’ she said. ‘We handle it internally. I said too much already.’” Sounds like she’s afraid of her fellow Occupiers.

Not mentioned in the Post is this:

Hey! Sam was right!

GET A GRIPE!: No matter how hard it tries, New York can’t outlaw being annoying is Kyle Smith’s latest smug and hateful attack on people who didn’t go to Yale and don’t believe what he does.

On his list of things the city should do to improve (his) life is to “cool it on the Christmas culture and dial back expectations so the kiddies won’t bleed us dry.” He’s waging a War on Christmas! Tell Mandrea and Bill O’Reilly!

B’also? Kyle doesn’t have any kids because he’s against gay adoption. So I’m not sure how he expects to get bled dry. Though I hope he does.

Today’s context-less Harris poll asks “Republican voters” the following: “If you were voting in a primary today, who would you vote for?”

Herman Cain placed 2nd with 20%, Mitt Romney placed 3rd with 17% and Rick Perry came in 4th with 11%. The other candidates all got single-digit support (Newt Gingrich — 7%, Ron Paul and Michele Bachmann — 4%, Rick Santorum and Jon Huntsman — 1%).

So who came in 1st with 32%? Not sure.

I wonder who his running mate will be.

From Peggy Noonan’s While Rep. Ryan rises: “Occupy Wall Street makes an economic critique that echoes the president’s, though more bluntly: the rich are bad, down with the elites. It’s all ad hoc, more poetry slam than platform. Too bad it’s not serious in it’s substance.”

She goes on to lavish praise on Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin). “I don’t think his role in the current has been fully recognized. He is doing something unique in national politics. He thinks. He studies. He reads. Then he comes forward to speak, calmly and at some length, about what he believes to be true.”

And what he believes to be true is what Ayn Rand believed to be true (before she collected Social Security and Medicare benefits). B’also? Ryan has his constituents arrested for asking him questions.

Brooklyn’s David Podesta writes in to object to Obama’s new college-loan plan. “I couldn’t pony up the money to put my own kids through college. I’ll be damned if I want to pay for someone else’s kids to be educated.”

USA! USA! USA!

Michael Riedel’s NIGHTMARE ON 39TH STREET includes a photo of the author “drenched in fear and an unknown liquid” and this: “I got drenched, and was forced to put my hand in places that gave me pause. I was also forced to put something in my mouth that you won’t find on the menu at Orso.”

He gives it four stars.

ASK ASHLEY!

Last weekend my soon-to-be ex-husband called asking for sex to see if there’s anything still there. I’ve moved on so my answer was no. Now he is threatening to stall the divorce. How do I get him to move along and also calm my current boyfriend who is aware of what’s going on? — Thrown for a loop, Manhattan

ASHLEY: “If someone wants to see if there is ‘anything still there,’ they shouldn’t jump right into sex, especially after being separated!”

ME: “Have sex with him and shit the bed in the middle of it.”

I eloped with my husband six years ago after knowing each other for three months. We faced a lot of judgment from our friends and family. We have now hit a rough spot in our marriage. We’re in counseling and it’s going well, but whenever I bring it up with a girlfriend of mine I get the same eye-rolling looks I got back then. She actually said, “That’s what happens when you marry a guy you don’t even know” in front of a group of people. We’ve been married six almost-always happy years. How do I let her know firmly but nicely that she’s being mean? — Anna, Park Slope

ASHLEY: “A friend should voice her opinion once, but then move on. Frankly, she is acting like a moron.”

ME: “By telling her. Frankly, you are acting like a moron.”

And that’s Sunday.

More to come…

I only care about the LIRR story.

“A slew of perfectly healthy former Long Island Rail Road workers lied about being disabled on the job in a $1 billion pension scam, federal prosecutors charged yesterday.”

“Eleven suspects were charged: six retired workers, two orthopedists and three so-called ‘facilitators’ — a former union official, an ex-federal railroad administrator and a doctor’s-office manager. More arrests are likely down the line.”

“The arrests yesterday came on the heels of investigations by Congress and the New York attorney general into how nearly 90 percent of all LIRR retirees went out on disability. ‘While six LIRR retirees are charged in the scheme, untold numbers of others are known to have fraudulently applied for and obtained disability benefits,’ said FBI Special Agent Diego Rodriguez. ‘This seems like an appropriate time to mention that this investigation is ongoing.’”

Everyone who is convicted should have to give up every penny they made through their ill-gotten disability pensions (with interest), lose their regular pensions and serve time in prison.

“A prewinter storm is expected to arrive at about 7 to 8 a.m. tomorrow and should bring a snow-rain mixture by about 1 p.m., according to AccuWeather.” Hey, AccuWeather? There’s a word for “snow-rain mixture.” It’s “sleet.”

“Winds may gust up to 30 mph, and the storm could turn briefly to all snow before it leaves tomorrow night.”

It begins…

Carl Campanile spends most of page 3 blowing the lid off of a story that should’ve been on the cover.

‘SEX’ MACHINES: Cash & Carrie at Aqueduct racino informs us that there are six “snazzy Sex and the City slot-machine games” at the Resorts World New York casino, which opens today at the Aqueduct Racetrack.

Paragraph #10 (of 17): “Throughout the game, video clips from the show pop up on the LCD monitor, keeping players engaged with the characters even if they’re losing money.”

Great reporting, Carl.

There are two Occupy Wall Street-related stories on page 4.

Amber Sutherland, Selim Algar and Todd Venezia’s Occupiers flee to wherever it’s free begins, “As fed-up cops are prepared to slap rowdy ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protesters with civil lawsuits, fed-up Zuccotti Park protesters have found a way to take a slap at Mother Nature. Some of the OWS masses dodged yesterday’s cold and rain by ditching their tents and huddling in a nearby art gallery with free WiFi.”

I’m not sure why this is news (let alone a full third of page 4), but I guess it makes the protesters seem more like societal leeches (which is important for the Post to do).

The piece also includes this: “‘In the event it does get violent, I think that people should be put on notice that NYPD sergeants are not going to be punching bags,’ said Ed Mullins, New York Sergeants Benevolent Association president.” Which leads to the other OWS article…

Hurt a sarge and we’ll take you to court! by Ed Mullins.

I keep waiting to see video footage of protesters abusing policemen. I wonder why I haven’t.

(No, I don’t.)

There is a bit of good news, though: “Scott Olsen, the Iraq War vet whose skull was fractured at a protest in Oakland, is expected to make a full recovery, officials there said.”

Ge0ff Earle’s Candidates blast feds on education: GOPers’ degree of contempt showcases various GOP responses to Obama’s recent plan to help Americans with their student loan debt [SPOILER WARNING: They all think it's a terrible idea].

“[Herman] Cain, speaking by satellite from Arkansas, where he was promoting his new book, said he wants to let market forces work on states that do the worst job at educating young kids.” Worth repeating: “Cain, speaking by satellite from Arkansas, where he was promoting his new book.”

“Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, who said he home-schooled his seven children, called for greater parental involvement, calling it a ‘cancer’ on the system that ‘at a certain age, you sort of drop your kids off and are done with this.’” Worth repeating: “Rick Santorum, who said he home-schooled his seven children.”

“Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, who home-schooled her five biological children and 23 foster kids, said the federal government should get out of the education business… She claimed that the educational outcomes for American kids were better before the federal government established a Department of Education and started meddling in schools in the late 1970s.” And she should know because (Worth repeating): “[Bachmann] home-schooled her five biological children and 23 foster kids.”

The way Earle ends his piece made me laugh out loud (first for Perry’s decision, then again for the non-sequitur last line): “In other developments on the campaign trail, Texas Gov. Rick Perry, whose poll numbers tanked after a series of subpar debate performances, may pass on future debates, Perry’s team revealed. News Corp. owns The Post.”

John Boehner was on The Laura Ingraham Show recently and said, “There is nothing that has disappointed me more over the last eight weeks than to watch the president [sic] of the United States basically give up on the economy and give up on the American people.”

Boehner is as awful as they come. Case in point, this.

From the link: “Yet the bill is not moving — and nobody, including the people in charge of setting the schedule for House votes, seems to know why. A spokeswoman for House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) directed questions about the issue to the House Speaker’s office. A spokesman for Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) had no comment.” Surprisingly (I write sarcastically), the Post isn’t covering this story.

“Wegmans Food Markets is recalling 5,000 pounds of pine nuts, citing possible salmonella contamination. The Turkish pine nuts were sold in bulk in stores in New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Virginia, and Maryland between July 1 and Oct. 18, says the upscale grocery chain.”

Avoid pesto for a little while.

“Just a day after being released from jail on a domestic-violence rap, Lindsay Lohan’s dad, Michael, was arrested again yesterday after dangling from a balcony at a Tampa hotel — and crashing 30 feet to the ground — while fleeing cops, police said… He was hospitalized with a possible broken foot.”

I bet the people who made the reality series Living Lohan are angry that they didn’t wait another two or three years to do it.

Leonard Greene’s ‘Chimp’ gal: I’m beautiful includes a few quotes from Charla Nash. One is “A lot of people tell me I look beautiful.” Another is “I look OK now, and I don’t have to worry about scaring anyone.”

Now look at the headline again.

Great work, Leonard.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), “Justin Bieber’s new Christmas album, Under the Mistletoe [sic] is more ’seductive’ than past recordings because ‘vocally, his balls have dropped,’ explained his no-nonsense manager, Scooter Braun.”

Vocally, if not actually.

Cindy Adams calls Halloween “the only day of the year Michael Moore looks right.” She also says (and please translate this for me if you can), “Today it’s vampire movies. Chain-saw close-ups. Horror movies — even excluding those Madonna makes.”

B’also? “Now films are so scary that Psycho and Nightmare [sic] on Elm Street are considered musicals. It’s witches and wizards and whatshisname Radcliffe shoving broomsticks up Dumbledore.” I think someone sent Cindy the gay porn parody Whorrey Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls (yes, that’s a real thing) and told her it was part of the Harry Potter franchise.

More gibberish: “I went to one costume party where a dowager dressed as a scarecrow. She explained, ‘It goes with dreams my husband had.’ Murmured the husband: ‘Forget the dreams. Just get me their phone numbers.’”

Stop fighting it, Cindy. Please please please just die.

Abby Wise Schachter (author of the Post’s politics blog, “Capitol Punishment”) provides the op-ed Anti-Drilling Hysteria: Spreading fear to halt progress, which includes the Post’s pro-fracking graphic:

“Fracking could open up a world of economic opportunity for NY, if greenies don’t derail it.”

The author should be forced to change her middle name.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives one and a half stars to In Time (“could have been made especially to lure the Occupy Wall Street crowd away to the movies long enough to allow the patchouli and organic bean curd to be hosed off their tents”), two stars to The Rum Diary (“in the true spirit of the ’60s, it was pretty much guaranteed to be a disappointment”), one star to Janie Jones (“No one’s life is this boring.”), and one and a half stars to My Reincarnation (“slow documentary”).

Lou Lumenick gives two and a half stars to Anonymous (“The action toggles confusingly back and forth between several time periods.”), one and a half stars to Puss in Boots (“relentlessly mediocre”), one star to The Double (“a dull spy thriller that gives away its big ’secret’ both in its trailer and the film’s title”), and zero stars to All’s Faire in Love (“Matthew Lillard’s face gets urinated on by a goat”).

Sara Stewart gives two and a half stars to Like Crazy (“ethereal indie romance, riveting and frustrating”).

V.A. Musetto gives one and a half stars to 13 (violence) and two stars to Urbanized (disturbing images).

Scott Boras now claims that he was only kidding when he said he wanted the Yankees to renegotiate Robinson Cano’s current contract (which covers 2012 and 2013).

$20 says he tries to renegotiate Cano’s contract after the 2012 season ends.

Linda 3Starsi reviews Discovery’s Gold Rush (formerly Gold Rush Alaska).

She gives it…

…three stars.

Once again, the Post’s color-coded TV listings are printed in black and white.

And that’s Friday.

Have a great weekend!

BREAKING NEWS: I was about to post today’s entry on Facebook when I saw a video Teresa posted. I watched it and, when I was finished cackling, I decided to add it here.

We have a giant bag of junk mail that we were waiting to bring to a shredder. But now we’ll be putting it all to much better use.

Before we begin, Ty Templeton posted this on Facebook. This is for the folks at Occupy Wall Street (and every other Occupation in America):

Well said, Mr. Rogers.

I told you they wanted to put violence on their cover. The caption is “Protesters are pushed back by cops yesterday as the Occupy Wall Street movement flooded Times Square — and cities around the world.” I guess “Furious, balding man juggles inferiority and superiority complexes while punching young woman in the face as his co-worker grabs a woman’s jaw for some reason” wouldn’t fit.

I’m not so sure about the head count of 5,000.

BusinessWeek reported 6,000 people were in attendance and WNBC cited “some 10,000 people.”

Hmmm… who to believe…

Anyhoodles, here’s some footage of those extremely violent protesters getting punched in the head while making peace signs with their fingers:

We now return to the Post’s completely unbiased coverage of Occupy Times Square.

“Forty-five people were arrested as a mob of protesters — voicing their anger about what many describe as the worst economic situation since the Great Depression — clashed with police trying to set up barricades to keep them on sidewalks… Officers and protesters could be seen shoving back and forth.”

Remember the horse that fell down in the above video? The Post has a photo of the horse with this caption: “MOUNTING ANGER: A cop struggles for balance as his horse gets pushed amid the Times Square protest yesterday.” Let’s see if that corresponds to the article the photo appears next to. “One cop’s horse tumbled to the ground after it slipped on a grating. The horse and officer were not injured.” Nope.

“Meanwhile, NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly yesterday defended the use of force against protesters despite some disturbing images caught on camera. ‘Sometimes these are not neat situations — they can get tumultuous,’ Kelly said.”

Tumultuous? What kind of arugula-eating elitist is Ray Kelly?

Cynthia R. Fagen’s Angry protests around the world features a black-and-white version of this photo:

According to The Washington Post, “tens of thousands of people around the world took to the streets Saturday” in “more than 900 cities in Europe, Africa and Asia, as well as in the United States.” Not surprisingly, the (New York) Post chose to focus on the one rally that turned violent.

Cynthia also notes that there were 40,000 protesters marching in Portugal. Portuguese television, however, put the number at 50,000.

I had no idea that there were so many lazy Brooklynites on the planet.

The Post recently reported that some of Rep. Mike Grimm’s constituents (in Brooklyn and Staten Island) are unhappy that the Tea Party Republican is endorsing Mitt Romney (a decidedly un-Tea Party candidate). Mary Kay Linge’s follow-up (Grimm and bear it: Rep. fires back at ‘betrayed’ Tea Party base) features Grimm explaining that “some of his newfound critics aren’t true Tea Partiers at all but ‘libertarians or 9/11 Truthers who have taken extreme positions and have never shared my overall views. Now that they’ve become irrelevant, they’re trying to say they’re part of the Tea Party.’ Cracks in the Tea Party movement are showing as purists out to slash big government split from pragmatists willing to work with establishment Republicans.”

Linge (with an assist from Grimm) explains that the Tea Party — which is all about cutting government spending and lowering taxes and watering the tree of liberty with the blood of patriots — is primarily pragmatists willing to work with establishment Republicans, and anyone who wants more than a slight adjustment to the way things currently are is a libertarian and/or a 9/11 Truther.

“Despite dimming enthusiasm among campaign foot soldiers, Grimm is confident his Tea Party support remains firm.”

And if it isn’t, it’s because those Tea Partiers were never real Tea Partiers.

Last week, there was a scuffle at a McDonald’s in the West Village. I didn’t write about it because I couldn’t find the video of the incident. I just did.

Rayon McIntosh Jr., 31, “is caught on tape using a metal rod to beat patrons Denise Darbeau, 24, and and Rachel Edwards, 24, breaking Darbeau’s skull and arm and cutting Edwards.”

Fun Fact: Before joining the McDonald’s family, Rayon “served nearly 11 years for manslaughter, assault and weapons charges.”

Bonus Points: Gary Buiso writes that Rayon’s father (Rayon McIntosh Sr.) “plans to order up a good defense layer.”

One successful food service pun (“order up”), and one (possibly unintentional) awful one (“defense layer”). But not one joke about how rayon is a manufactured regenerated cellulose fiber that works at McDonald’s.

“Con Ed has given the Ground Zero mosque an ultimatum: Pay the $1.7 million you owe in back rent, or we’ll terminate your lease and take back our property.”

Anybody want to bet that when the Ground Zero mosque Park51 comes up with the money, the Post starts demanding to know where it came from (but they’ll never question the hundreds of millions of dollars big business anonymously donates to the politicians the Post supports)?

“Two days after entering an upstate hospital [Orange Regional Medical Center] to get her tubes tied, a 32-year-old upstate woman [Ana Maria Mejia] found herself paralyzed — able to move only her eyelids.” She filed suit against the hospital “and her gynecologist, Dr. Christopher Allen… Allen could not be reached for comment.”

Mejia could be reached for comment but, you know…

Michael Goodwin is infuriating. Here are selections from ‘Left’overs hold the city hostage:

“Each day, about 3.7 million people go to work in New York City. For the last month, fewer than 500 people have been sleeping in a park near Wall Street so they can curse the economy that produces all those jobs for all those people. Guess which group is getting expressions of sympathy and even solidarity from the president to the mayor?” Every day, Michael Goodwin rubs dog excrement on his children and punches his wife in the face. Actually, chances are he doesn’t (though I have no proof either way), but neither do the protesters of Occupy Wall Street “curse the economy that produces [3.7 million] jobs.” They are protesting the fact that the banks own our government and that “we the people” are not represented by our politicians. They aren’t protesting “the economy,” they’re protesting the fact that gigantic corporations like Bank of America doesn’t pay any taxes (and also that they treat their customers horribly, as evidenced in the video below).

“The demonstrators include open anti-Semites, homeless people and anarchists, along with students, trust-fund babies and the terminally bored.” And the GOP includes deadbeat dads, homophobes, criminals, sexists, evolution deniers, Jesus freaks, racists, Holocaust deniers — and those are just the Republicans who are currently in office (and Pat Buchanan).

“They claim they represent the 99 percent of Americans who have been screwed over by the top 1 percent. It’s a catchy slogan, but backward. The people who work to support their families and lead productive lives are the backbone, heart and soul of America.” Wait… what? That’s like me saying “Michael Goodwin claims that he isn’t a pedophile and that the charges against him are false, but children are our nation’s most precious resource.” What Goodwin calls America’s backbone aren’t the people who Occupy Wall Street are protesting against! They’re part of the 99%, too!

“When times are tough, the tough don’t quit work so they can complain. And the people who really want a job aren’t playing drums in a park, getting stoned and taunting cops.” If everyone in Zuccotti Park quit their jobs in order to protest, there would be a lot more job openings in New York City. B’also? There are far more gun-toting racists at any given Tea Party rally then there are pot-smoking drum-players at any Occupy rally.

“If they ruled the world, we’d all be living in mud huts and begging for handouts.” Wow. He also refers to Occupy Wall Street as “this tiniest faction,” ignoring the fact that it has spread across the globe to almost 1,000 cities. And he calls Zuccotti Park a “law-free zone” where protesters are “breaking numerous laws, including the open use of drugs.” At least the Post has stopped claiming that protesters are having sex and defecating in the street.

“The freeloading rabble doesn’t need a pitchfork or even coherence to get action. All it needs to do is turn a park into a fetid camp and the government of the United States will drop on bended knee.” And all Goodwin needs to drop on bended knee is $20 and a mint for afterwards.

Bonus Points: One of his other “pieces” today is Stupidity is Jerry’s Job One (reprinted here in its entirety):

“They’re hiring in California! According to the Manhattan Institute, Gov. Jerry Brown caved in to a food-workers union by signing legislation that limits ‘the use of automated checkout machines in grocery stores.’ Brilliant. Stopping progress will definitely solve the jobs crisis.” Actually, stupid, he’s allowing more cashiers to remain employed. It won’t solve the jobs crisis but it won’t add to it, either.

According to Page Six (today on pages 10 and 11), Jason Davis is engaged! To a woman named Michelle Haugo!

They’ve apparently been dating (and wearing the same clothes) since 2008:

Can I use Jason (a closeted heroin addict) as a template for all people who vote for Republicans?

Also, are we sure Michelle is a woman?

“A public Brooklyn school refused to promote a Muslim boy to the sixth grade because of his religion, says an incendiary lawsuit in Brooklyn federal court. Abedin Kajoshaj, 11, had the marks to move on to the sixth grade at PS 180, the SEEALL Academy in Borough Park, but was inexplicably held back at the end of the 2009-2010 year, the suit claims.”

“In kindergarten, Abedin was suspended after presenting two notes from Muslim doctors that said he was allergic to eggs and that he could not be administered a vaccine… And two child-abuse claims made by the school to state officials were ‘founded in racism’ and dismissed, court papers claim.”

Somewhere, Herman Cain is giggling.

“Vincent Delgrosso, 26, claims in a lawsuit that he was left bloodied and battered after officers from the Staten Island Gang Squad stopped his car on Watchogue Road and arrested him for selling PCP. ‘They were just stomping on my face for four or five minutes,’ Delgrosso says of the alleged Feb. 17 attack. ‘They pulled down my pants first. I was naked on the ground. They started sticking objects in my rectum. I don’t know what they were,’ he says. The seven officers laughed during the beating and called Delgrosso a ‘faggot,’ according to a Brooklyn Federal Court lawsuit he filed Oct. 6 against the city.”

After the NYPD footage I’ve seen over the last month, this seems chillingly plausible to me.

“A Florida man stabbed his 26-year-old son partly because the offspring allegedly stole a can of Dad’s lima beans, police said. Donald Wynn, 54, had been living with his son for just a month when he was arrested on attempted-murder charges. The younger man was hospitalized in critical condition yesterday.” Say cheese, Donald!

Ah, Florida.

“Get ready for an aberration of historic proportion.” — Herman Cain on his unlikely rise in the polls.

Are you sure he wasn’t referring to his “9-9-9″ plan?

“I do not think it’s even in the realm of possibility.” — Hillary Clinton on replacing Joe Biden on the presidential ticket.

OMG! She left the door open!

“If it’s too late for Chris Christie, it’s too late for me.” — Rudy 9iu11ani on running for president in 2012.

OMG! He left the door open!

Today’s contextless Harris poll is What’s your favorite holiday?

Christmas came in first (despite the constant war being waged against it by the voices in Bill O’Reilly’s head), followed by Thanksgiving and Halloween. But what made me laugh (and question the veracity of the the results) is that My birthday came in 9th — right after Memorial Day and Labor Day.

Tied for 10th place? Valentine’s Day and Hannukah (which I’ll assume means Hanukkah).

Whoever allowed this to go to press is so very fired.

A second contextless poll appears on page 27: Do you approve of Occupy Wall Street protestors? (note the English spelling of protesters)

No answer 3%

Oppose 24%

Undecided 35%

Approve 38%

That means that (according to this Reuters/Ipsos poll) 76% of respondents either approve, aren’t sure or have no answer. Does that mean that only 24% of the Post’s coverage will pander to those who disapprove?

[SPOILER: No.]

Pages 28 and 29 list various figures from the Census Bureau’s 2012 Statistical Abstract. First up: Demographics.

“Between 2000 and 2010, every single state’s population increased — except for Michigan, which had a 0.6% decline… NY increased by 2.1%.”

Didn’t the Post keep insisting that New York’s population went down in the last decade because of our high taxes? Or was that just New York City?

Also listed is the Median annual income for individuals (in constant 2009 dollars): Men, all races.

In 1990, the average was $32,284.

In 2000, the average was $35,303.

In 2009, the average was $32,184.

Now do you understand why there are protesters in Zuccotti Park? On average, American men are making $100 less per year than they were 19 years ago.

“Happy Bank Transfer Day! It’s unlikely you’ll be wishing that to your friends and family on Nov. 5. But if you are one of the millions of bank customers who loathe the new fees being charged by your financial institution, then the first Saturday in November could be a date to mark on your calendar. Critics of the industry have chosen Guy Fawkes Day as the symbolic deadline for a Facebook-driven crusade to get people to withdraw their money from regular bank accounts and stash it in feeless, but oft-ignored, credit unions.”

One of my favorite graphic novels of all time is Alan Moore and David Lloyd’s V for Vendetta. It was made into a (decent) movie in 2006. Here’s a clip:

When the group Anonymous chose Guy Fawkes masks as their de facto uniform, I wasn’t sure if they were honoring Fawkes or Moore/Lloyd (or both). But when I read about Bank Transfer Day falling on November 5th, I immediately thought of one of the last images in the film version of V for Vendetta.

I think a lot of banks are in for a rude awakening (unless they continue to prevent people from closing their accounts like Citibank and Bank of America have started doing).

“Remember, remember, the fifth of November…”

ASK ASHLEY!

My wife and I haven’t been intimate in over six months due to an accident in which I sustained serious injuries. I have now been given the green light; however, I want to make it special. How can I spice things up to make it more memorable? — Dave, Astoria

ASHLEY: “The key to getting out of the usual sex routine, is literally getting out… book a room at a hot NYC hotel like the Standard… Then, if you really want to ’spice things up,’ how about looking through the hotel’s on-demand adult movie section? Even just flipping through the options and watching trailers might get you in the mood for something new!”

ME: “This is why you shouldn’t ask a prostitute for romantic advice. Getting a (comically-overpriced) hotel room and watching trailers for porn movies is only romantic if you are a hooker or a teenager. I would imagine that having sex for the first time in six months will be romantic enough for your wife (unless you’re not a satisfactory lover), but feel free to buy her flowers and cook her dinner, too.”

The 50-something-year-old man I’ve been with for 15 years insists he “needs” sex on a daily basis. I’ve explained that I simply don’t have the same sexual appetite that he does. Still, if we go two days without sex, he becomes sullen and makes snarky comments. His behavior is decreasing my interest in him sexually. He refuses to attend counseling because this is a “personal matter.” What do you think? — Anonymous

ASHLEY: “I do agree that he could use some counseling, if only for a neutral party to tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and pushing you further away.”

ME: “If your husband insists on having sex and you insist on not having sex, then you should either get a divorce or stay married and let him sleep with someone else. Ashley could probably recommend some cheap hoo-ers for you, if you’d like.”

Reed Tucker interviews women who dress up for the New York Comic Con in GIRLS GONE GEEK.

“‘Oh yeah. I get hit on,’ adds Yaya Han, a popular model who makes and models her own skimpy costumes based on video game and superhero characters. ‘Guys will say, “Nice boots,” when they mean nice boobs.’”

“‘I get hit on every five minutes,’ confirms Yuffie Bunny, a 26-year-old model promoting costume company Head Kandi. ‘I feel like the new pick-up line at conventions is, “Can I get a photo of you?”‘”

These women (Yaya and Yuffie) dress like a 13-year-old’s sexual fantasy and then get indignant when people pay attention to them? Feh.

Over in the Sports section, Hondo writes, “Experts say sanitary issues could cause a health crisis among the Occupy Wall Street protesters at the Zuccotti Park whiz- and dump-fest. With the unemployment crisis one of their areas of concern, some enterprising dissident probably could find work and make a killing by investing in a pooper-scooper and charging park dumpers for fecal-matter removal.”

Zing!

(I guess the Post hasn’t stopped claiming that protesters are defecating in the street.)

And that’s Sunday.

Today’s two cover stories are The return of ‘Footloose’ (REVIEW: PAGE 35) and WALL ST. FACE OFF: Park clash looms over cleanup (PAGES 4-5).

I’ll get to the former when I reach the movie review section (will the review justify its front-page promotion? [SPOILER: No.]). As for the “looming clash” at Zuccotti Park, it didn’t happen.

HELL, NO, WE WON’T GO!: Zuccotti hordes defiant explains the NYPD’s demand “that Occupy Wall Street protesters temporarily vacate their filthy encampment” in order for it to be cleaned. And even though the demands have since changed, I’ll share them anyway:

“Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said the cleaning will be done in three shifts this morning beginning at 7 — and when the protesters return, their grimy gear will be banned from the privately owned park. ‘People will have to remove all their belongings and leave the park,’ Kelly said. ‘After it’s cleaned, they’ll be able to come back. But they won’t be able to bring back the gear, the sleeping bags. That sort of thing will not be able to be brought back into the park.’ Hard-core protesters responded by defiantly issuing an ‘Emergency Call to Action’ seeking a mass gathering at the park at 6 a.m. to resist the cops and cleanup crews.”

Actually, this is the actual “Emergency Call to Action” referenced above. And this is my favorite part of it (which, for some weird reason, the Post didn’t mention): “Occupy Wall Street is committed to keeping the park clean and safe—we even have a Sanitation Working Group whose purpose this is. We are organizing major cleaning operations today and will do so regularly. If Bloomberg truly cares about sanitation here he should support the installation of portopans and dumpsters. #OWS allies have been working to secure these things to support our efforts.”

According to the Post, what will be permitted in the park from now on is: “Things that can be carried, including backpacks, small bags, laptops.” I wonder if that includes the cables, etc. necessary to provide live streaming of the park (as I write this, I am watching the live feed at livestream.com/globalrevolution so I guess the answer is yes… for now…). Among the things that won’t be allowed: “Lying down, coolers, and storage of personal property on the ground, benches, sitting areas or walkways.” So you can bring in your laptop, but you can’t put it anywhere except your lap. If the NYPD chooses to enforce these new rules, there will be a great deal of civil unrest. And most of it won’t be civil.

“Also yesterday, nine protesters were busted for disorderly conduct after refusing to leave a Brooklyn Supreme Court room where a foreclosure auction was scheduled. About 45 demonstrators sang a song protesting the high number of home foreclosures… Court officers asked the rowdy demonstrators to leave. Thirty complied; the other 15 were arrested.”

1) Were nine people arrested or fifteen?

2) 30 + 15 = 45 not “about 45.”

3) That 45 people were protesting in Brooklyn is certainly a newsworthy story on its own, but shoehorned into the already woefully inadequate OWS coverage, it acts more as an obfuscating distraction.

4) I think I’ve posted this before, but it bears repeating. Especially now:

B’also? I just found this online (watch it with the sound low because there’s a lot of shouting; pay special attention at the 1:40 mark):

Gothamist identified the man who got punched by the cop: “[Felix] Rivera-Pitre, who is HIV positive and used to be a dancer, tells us he was walking a little bit in front of the police on William Street, and admits he ’shot the cop a look.’ But then, according to Rivera-Pitre (and this is in line with what we witnessed), ‘The cop just lunged at me full throttle and hit me on the left side of my face. It tore my earring out. I remember seeing my earring on the ground next to me and it was full of blood. I was completely dumbstruck.’”

Carl Campanile’s Cain’s north poll trip: Rising dough man is giving Mitt fits has a lot of positive things to say about Herman Cain, especially from unbiased sources like… Herman Cain.

“Cain said he’s connecting with GOP voters ‘because of my enthusiasm and positive attitude.’” Well, it certainly isn’t because of his “9-9-9″ plan (which has been shown to cost middle- and lower-class families more money).

“If Herman Cain is our nominee against Barack Obama, I think [Cain'll] sweep the South.” So says Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, failing to note that if the 2012 election is between two Black men, huge chunks of the South will secede from the United States.

“Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan, considered a leading GOP policy wonk, gave Cain’s ‘9-9-9′ plan a thumbs up. ‘We need more bold ideas like this because it’s specific and credible. I’m a flat-tax kind of guy,’ Ryan said.”

That about sums up most GOP policy — specific and credible. Not practical, not sensible, not rational, but specific and credible.

Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Christopher Chaney, 35, the man who leaked Scarlett Johansson’s nude photos:

“It started as curiosity, and it turned to just being an addiction. I was almost relieved when they came and took the computer and told me they knew,” he told reporters about his hacking.

If he’s convicted on all counts, he faces __ years in prison:

a) 5

b) 10

c) 20

d) 50

e) 121

The correct answer is… e.

Silly Christopher. He should have murdered infants instead of reading celebrities’ e-mails! Then he’d be a free man in less than 10 years!

Guess who isn’t being prosecuted for attempted rape. I’ll give you a hint:

“‘It is clear that, for lack of sufficient proof, a prosecution may not be initiated over the count of attempted rape, but facts that could be described as sexual assault have meanwhile been recognized,’ French prosecutors said in a statement.”

The correct answer is… Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

So is he being prosecuted for sexually assaulting Tristane Banon in 2003? Nope. Why not? Because the statute of limitations for sexual assault in France is three years.

DSK still faces civil suits from Banon and Nafissatou Diallo, but they’ll probably both get thrown out of court.

Sigh.

Remember Shanel Nadal, 27, and Nephra Payne, 34? They kidnapped their eight children from foster care and kept them “in the back of a filthy van” until they were caught two weeks later.

“Lawyer Norman Steiner said his clients took action because they feared some of the kids were being sexually or physically abused. Prosecutors, he said, are trying to force the couple to take a six-month plea deal that includes forfeiting custody. Conviction at trial could mean 25 years in prison.”

1) They didn’t have custody when they kidnapped the children, so how would they forfeit custody?

2) Prosecutors are trying to force them to accept six months? Fuck it. Go to trial! Anyone who names all seven of their male children Nephra Payne deserves to be in prison for at least five years.

According to Page Six (today on pages 12, 13 and 14), Mark Zuckerberg and Sean Parker were fighting in West Hollywood earlier this month. “Sean argued that all Spotify users should not be forced to sign up for a Facebook account, but Mark wouldn’t budge. It was a full on [sic] screaming match outside the club, but stopped short of coming to blows. Then they stormed off in different directions.”

If Jesse Eisenberg, Justin Timberlake, David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin are game, I’d be down for a sequel to The Social Network.

Cindy Adams’ Shedding light on cab situation begins, “It’s great that the taxi group will redo their lights on top of cabs. Great. Heaven forfend that the industry blows their extra bread to feed our elderly homebound poor, or donate to Hurricane Katrina’s disenfranchised. Don’t even think of funneling loose shekels to save animals. And forget putting aside bail money for assorted NY state politicians. Fixing lights on cabs, great.” Cindy is faulting the Taxi and Limousine Commission for spending money to improve taxis instead of saving animals. There is literally no reason for her to still be alive.

“I personally, consider it shameful that anyone who really knows how to run this country is busy driving a taxi for a living. Who knows? Maybe Obama doesn’t even have a driver’s license.”

Please get in the box, Cindy. Enough already.

“Officials in a New Jersey school district are investigating claims that a high-school teacher [Viki Knox] who advises a prayer group posted remarks on her Facebook page that described homosexuality as ‘perverted’ and said it ‘breeds like cancer.’” I found this tweet from September 20th:

Human Rights Campaign provides the entire online exchange here. Here are some excerpts:

“Homosexuality is a perverted spirit that has existed from the beginning of creation… how they live and their actions, behaviors -CHOICES are against the nature and character of God! …I know sin and it breeds like cancer!”

“Why parade your unnatural immoral behaviors before the rest of us? AND YOU ARE WRONG! I/WE DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT ANYTHING, ANYONE. ANY BEHAVIOR OR ANY CHOICES! I DO NOT HAVE TO TOLERATE ANYTHING OTHERS WISH TO DO.”

The same people who applaud town clerk Rose Marie Belforti’s refusal to obey the law and issue marriage licenses to gay couples because she hates homosexuals will surely applaud Knox for sticking to her theological guns. And if Hell does exist (which it doesn’t), each and every one of those people will be there.

Going as yourself on Halloween is about to get a lot more expensive (and awesome).

REAL-f, a company in (where else?) Japan, will make a face mask of you for $3,920 or a full head mask for $5,800.

The masks are frighteningly accurate and will also allow someone that steals your mask to frame you for almost any crime. In fact, it would be a good investment to buy one and then destroy it. Then, if you ever wind up on trial, your attorney can say that your mask was stolen and the person on the surveillance camera footage isn’t you, it’s someone wearing your mask.

The defense rests.

Bill O’Reilly takes a break from politics to remind us that he’s a cranky old man (MACHINE-HEADS FACE THE FOREST).

“Recently, I had occasion to travel to New Hampshire with seven children ranging in age from 3 to 16. Don’t even ask how this happened.” Well, if he won’t tell me, I’ll just have to assume that he kidnapped them for perverted reasons.

“Mark my words: These machines are taking over. Many younger Americans are so addicted that they can’t function without them. Never mind nature, witty in-person conservation and games like stickball or keep-away. Those things are soooooo obsolete.” Actually, “Keep-Away 2011″ is expected to be one of the best-selling Xbox games this Christmas.

“‘We’re going hiking,’ I say. Silence. Finally, a reply: ‘Hiking?’ ‘Yeah, in the woods. The leaves are changing; the air is clean. Let’s go!’ No one moves.” What child wouldn’t want to go into the woods with an a notoriously short-tempered, creepy old man?

“When these children grow up, I pray they don’t have to fight the Chinese. War is always bad. And if the Chinese are hiding in the forest, we lose.”

None of these children made it back alive. If you have any idea where Bill buried their corpses, please contact the authorities. Their families just want closure.

Excerpts from the editorial High Noon at 7 a.m.:

“Just how long will City Hall let the flower children of Occupy Wall Street remain camped out at Zuccotti Park?”

“Well, no good landfill lasts forever, than God — and besides, the assembled trustifarians and their allies will be allowed back as soon as the washdown is completed.”

“The site is attracting rodents — the furry four-legged varity [sic], and their two-legged cousins.”

The Post hates it when people criticize the rich. Unless those people are criticizing rich people who criticize the rich. Trustifarians. Get it? Because they’re rich and they like Black people!

A lot of people wrote in to praise Andrea Peyser’s hatred of Amanda Knox.

Yorktown Heights’ John Conklin writes, “I’m glad I’m not the only one who still finds Knox repulsive and suspects she may be a murderer.” And Collegeville, Pennsylvania’s Chris Johnson writes, “Thank you, Andrea Peyser, for your frequent nuggets of common sense.”

But not everyone agrees that Peyser is a hero and/or Knox is a villain. Manhattan’s Katherine Meeks writes, “Peyser hits a new low… Knox wasn’t convicted because she was ‘too pretty,’ and she wasn’t freed because she was ‘too pretty.’ She was freed because the only solid evidence, the purported sample of DNA, didn’t stand up to scrutiny.” And Yonkers’ Anne O’Leary writes, “Shame on Peyser. Knox is not guilty… Prosecutor Giuliano Mignini set her up, as he was trying to save his own name. There is no comparison between Knox and [Casey] Anthony.”

It’s refreshing to see that women hate Mandrea as much as she hates them.

In An Abhorrent Ally for Democrats, Michael A. Walsh compares Occupy Wall Street to the Tea Party. He starts by referring to OWS as “the unwashed rabble” who are frustrated with “a system that has served this country well from its founding” and who “loathe just about everything this country ever stood for — including the value of hard work, individual responsibility and the liberal use of soap and water.” Zing!

Toward the end, the Vulcan Muppet writes, “One [group] peaceably assembles to sing ‘God Bless America.’ The other vilifies success, screams anti-Semitic slurs and openly advocates violence.” Let’s play a game. See if you can guess if the people and signs in these pictures belong to the Tea Party or Occupy Wall Street:

and just for kicks:

Tim Ravndal was the president of the Montana Tea Party when he posted this on his Facebook page. Dennis Scranton is referring to to the murder of Matthew Shepard, to which Tim asks for a manual that could show him how to kill (and decoratively hang) more homosexuals like Shepard.

Michael A. Walsh is a despicable waste of oxygen. I was going to talk about more of the things he said today, but his vile rhetoric has already taken up enough of our time.

From Herman Cain’s editorial THE WALL ST. PROTESTS: Look in the Mirror:

“Visiting New York this week, I found the organized street protests against Wall Street were the talk of the town. But I’m sorry — they lost me at hello. Their rants to the media and those unfortunate enough to cross their paths have been all over the map — from tirades over big business, to 9/11 conspiracy theories, to admitting not even knowing why they’re there — but a common theme is that they’ve set their sights on rich people.“ Actually, they do know why they’re there. And, unless you’re ignorant (willfully or otherwise), so do you.

“I have a hard time imagining what these protesters think will come of this — that Wall Street execs will come running out of their offices to write them a check?” Yes, Herman. That’s what they want to come of this. Ladies and gentlemen, the current Republican frontrunner for the 2012 presidential nomination.

“From what I’ve seen of these protesters — including one news clip of a young man shouting at an elderly passerby that he wouldn’t work a $7-an-hour job — it seems they would rather have a handout than work.” Not only haven’t I seen that news clip, but I have no idea what it means. Was the young man saying that he wouldn’t work a $7/hour job? Was he telling the old man that he (the old man) wouldn’t work it?

I’m a big fan of “it seems.” It excuses you from having to tell the truth. If I say “Andrea Peyser’s husband, Mark Phillips, seems like a pedophile,” I am only speaking of my personal opinion so you can’t fault it. If I say “Mark Phillips is a pedophile” then the burden of proof is on me (though I still haven’t been shown anything that disproves that assertion). So Herman Cain can say that based on what he has seen (and he doesn’t have to tell us what that is — is it just Fox News clips?) that the OWS protesters “seem” like lazy idiots.

Hey, that reminds me of a joke: What did the German-American say when he was asked if Herman Cain’s tax plan made any fiscal sense?

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives three stars to Footloose (“Footloose won me over early, with a sequence in which the hero gets all heavy metal while restoring his badass… VW Bug.”), two stars to The Thing (“suspenseful enough and features some amazing gross-out effects”), and half a star to Trespass (“Nicolas Cage re-enacts his career arc in 90 grueling minutes”).

Lou Lumenick gives two stars to The Big Year (“stubbornly refuses to take flight, or generate more than a few chuckles”), three and a half stars to The Skin I Live In (“an eye-popping and genuinely shocking gender-bending twist on Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo“), two stars to both Father of Invention (“worth a look on DVD”) and Texas Killing Fields (“long on style and short on coherent storytelling”), and one star to Fireflies in the Garden (“was pretty much DOA when it premiered at the Sundance Film Festival nearly four years ago — and is now finally receiving a token theatrical burial”).

V.A. Musetto gives three stars to The Woman (violence, torture, nudity, sex) and two stars to Oka! (bare-breasted native women).

Sara Stewart gives one and a half stars to Connected (“has all the narrative focus of a Twitter feed”).

I got a little excited when I saw the headline of Michael Starr’s article (Koppel to join ‘Rock’), but then I learned that Ted Koppel isn’t joining the cast of 30 Rock — he’s joining the cast of Brian Williams’ new newsmagazine, Rock Center.

And then I remembered who Michael Starr is and I had to stop reading.

“HBO is developing a new family series based on The Kids Are All Right.”

I liked the movie (and I loved that it infuriated Mandrea), but I don’t know how HBO can get a series out of it. But if anyone can, it’s HBO.

And that’s Friday.

Have yourselves a lovely weekend.

MTA declares more subway ‘holidays’

“An MTA pilot program that has declared a slew of historically lower-ridership days — such as Columbus Day and New Year’s Eve — ‘minor holidays’ is making its debut, a change that will provide fewer trains on seven lines and an initial savings of $200,000 a year. Other days that will see service reductions include Good Friday, the Friday after Thanksgiving, Martin Luther King Day, Christmas Eve and the three weekdays after Christmas when they fall Monday through Thursday. On those days, the average wait for a train will be one to two minutes longer, according to the MTA estimates.”

1) Has anybody ever taken a subway train on New Year’s Eve? If so, did it strike you as having “75 percent or fewer riders than a typical weekday”? Or were you, like me, crushed by hordes of drunkards in ironic novelty sunglasses?

2) If the MTA estimates a two-minute delay, you can expect to wait at least 10 minutes.

3) The MTA blows $200,000 a day. If that’s what they estimate this “pilot program” will save them, you can safely assume it will ultimately cost the MTA hundreds of thousands of dollars. Which they will try to make up by raising our fares. Again.

4) I hate the MTA.

Weekend Box Office:

50/50 remained in fifth place ($5,500,000), Moneyball dropped to fourth place ($7,500,000), Dolphin Tale fell to third ($9,160,000), The Ides of March debuted in second ($10,400,000), and Real Steel opened in first ($27,300,000).

The good news: Occupy Wall Street gets most of page 4 and all of page 5!

The bad news: Under the banner headline IT’S NYC’S ‘LAM’-STERDAM, There are two articles (besides S.A. Miller’s brief Pelosi: ‘Count me among’ supporters): Hannah Rappleye and Bob Fredericks’ Kids get lesson in street grime and Lachlan Cartwright and Bob Fredericks’ Boozed-up fugitives at the protest.

From Hannah and Bob’s article: “Some hippie families are toting kids to the wild Occupy Wall Street protests — including one 13-year-old boy who carries a stack of quarters in case he has to make a jailhouse phone call and a homemade solution that washes pepper spray from the eyes. ‘The people I ended up sleeping next to were druggies. Someone was trying to put out a cigarette out on my face, and I had to roll over,’ said the teen, Luca Rozany, who arrived at Zuccotti Park after riding 12 hours with his grandfather and best childhood pal from their home in Asheville, NC.” Anybody else notice that the same paper who criticized the left for implying that the Tea Partiers carrying racist (and often misspelled) signs at rallies were anything but rare exceptions (and for allegedly ignoring the more calm and intelligent Tea Partiers in their “lamestream media” coverage) now spends at least a page a day “reporting” on Occupy Wall Street by focusing on the most embarrassing participants and ignoring anyone who has a coherent thought to share?

For another example of that, let’s look at the other article (which gets all of page 5). “Lured by cheap drugs and free food, creepy thugs have infiltrated the crowd of protesters camped out in Zuccotti Park for Occupy Wall Street, The Post has learned. ‘I got warrants. I’m running from the law,’ boasted Dave, 24, a scrawny, unshaven miscreant in filthy clothes from Stamford, Conn… ‘I’ve been smoking and drinking in here for eight days now,’ said Dave, booze on his breath and his eyes bloodshot as he lay sprawled on a tattered sheet of cardboard.”

As Mohandas Gandhi once said, “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

I guess we’re halfway there.

Bonus Points: Let’s all watch this again, shall we?

“House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan yesterday accused President Obama of using his doomed jobs bill to ‘create political ruckus’ instead of honestly working to create jobs.”

The author of Atlas Shrugged II: The Path to Prosperity went on to say that “instead of trying to get compromise, [Obama's] embracing conflict.”

Because the GOP is always willing to compromise. Right, Yertle?

“Mikey Welsh, former bassist for the rock band Weezer, died from a suspected drug overdose in Chicago — after predicting the exact location and time of his own death on Twitter just weeks ago… On Sept. 26, Welsh [tweeted], ‘dreamt i died in chicago next weekend (heart attack in my sleep). need to write my will today.’ Then he added, ‘correction — the weekend after next.’”

He died on Saturday. The cause of death is still unknown, pending toxicology reports. The media is really playing up the clairvoyance aspect of the story, but it isn’t supernatural in the least to “predict” that you’re going to overdose on drugs in two weeks and then, two weeks later, overdose on drugs (if, in fact, Welsh did).

In any case, rest in peace, Mikey.

Andrea Peyser is at her shrillest today.

Better to tune out this scary cartoon reminds us that “A year ago, I brought word of the latest scourge set to hit your TV — a bunch of Sharia-compliant Muslim cartoon superheroes… After my column ran, TV channel The Hub yanked the show… This has royally peeved the show’s creator, Kuwaiti psychologist Naif al-Mustawa. He whined in a new PBS documentary, Wham! Bam! Islam! premiering Thursday, that critics (like me) poisoned his cartoon in the Western market. ‘One way or the other,’ al-Mustawa vowed, ‘The 99 will get air in the US.’ Not if I have anything to say about it.”

Why the Hell does she have anything to say about it? She never even saw the actual cartoon! And The 99 have already been introduced to Americans through a six-issue limited series put out by DC Comics!

Mandrea hates Muslims a lot. But who does she hate more than Muslims? (all together now) Women!

Gals too pretty to convict begins, “The world has a new, sleeker, prettier and more sympathetic Casey Anthony. Casey — say hey to Amanda Knox! You gals have a lot in common.” Um… not really. Anthony is a murderer who wasn’t punished for her crime; Knox is an innocent woman who served four years for a crime she didn’t commit. But Peyser doesn’t want to pay attention to the things the Italian police did to frame Knox. Why would she defend an attractive woman? She hates attractive women!

“As she sprinted out of court for the last time, Knox made a pretty spectacle, sobbing and sniffling as onlookers mobbed her. But then, I caught sight of something Knox didn’t want me to see. She grinned, and heartily. I’m outta here, suckers!” So… after numerous appeals, Knox is finally freed from jail and when she leaves court as a free woman for the first time in many years — after repeatedly being told there was no chance she would ever have her conviction overturned — she grinned and Peyser thinks that’s proof that she got away with murder? Unfuckingbelievable.

“Amanda Knox. Freed for being too pretty. This is justice?”

Andrea Peyser. Winced at for being too ugly. This is journalism?

Page Six is on pages 14 and 15 today.

Michael A. Walsh’s Cain’s Gift to the GOP: Forcing his rivals to get better claims that “[Herman] Cain’s unabashed defense of America could rally his rivals — and the nation.” Yeah. That’s America’s problem — we aren’t sufficiently full of ourselves.

The Vulcan Muppet praises Cain’s “sunny disposition that projects self-confidence without arrogance.” Only someone like Walsh could accuse Cain of not seeming arrogant.

Now that the Yankees are finishing playing baseball until 2012, I can stop caring about all sports. I don’t like basketball, hate hockey and soccer, and stopped rooting for the New York Giants when they asked my family for $100,000 for Personal Seat Licenses.

Which is great, because it means I can all but ignore the massive sports section in the Post.

If only I could do that to the rest of this horrible newspaper.

Linda 3Starsi reviews HBO’s new series Enlightened.

“You’d have to be halfnuts to dislike Enlightened, HBO’s over-the-edge dramedy beginning tonight. Not to sound crazy, but the other half of you would be nuts to like Enlightened.”

I read the rest of her review and, no, she never explains what that nonsense is supposed to mean. She does, however, finish up with “Give this one at least two episodes before you decide it’s too nuts for you.”

She gives the show four stars, but let’s assume that’s a typo.

Have a lovely week, peeps.