Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Let’s start with an amusing photograph.

And now, the Post.

FAIR WARNING

Videos back cops in 700 bridge busts

“The NYPD yesterday provided two videos showing that cops warned protesters to move off the Brooklyn Bridge Sunday or face arrest — before busting 700.” Here are those videos:

Seems fairly cut and dry, right? The protesters were clearly warned and clearly chose to ignore that warning, right?

Marcel Cartier says no.

As he says (from roughly 1:10 – 3:02), he didn’t hear the announcement(s) despite being in the front of the crowd.

I couldn’t find the actual video on YouTube, but Keith Olbermann ran a video that backs up Marcel’s contention (skip ahead to the 5:00 mark).

“The cops said they were loud and clear — and yesterday produced two videos to prove it.”

Case closed.

Weekend Box Office:

What’s Your Number? opened in 8th place ($5,421,669), Dream House opened in 6th ($8,129,355), 50/50 opened in 5th ($8,644,095), Courageous opened in 4th ($9,063,147), The Lion King (in 3D) remained in theaters (Disney lied!) but dropped to 3rd place ($10,615,645), Moneyball remained in 2nd ($12,031,592), and Dolphin Tale moved up to 1st ($13,912,419).

Wait… what the Hell is Courageous?

…oh.

Josh Margolin, S.A. Miller and Bob Fredericks team up for ‘Brutal’ fire at Christie, which begins, “He’s feeling the heat. Gov. Chris Christie’s rivals opened fire yesterday as he continued mulling a run for the White House — and the usually jocular Republican heavyweight was showing clear signs of strain. ‘It’s brutal,’ one close adviser said of Christie’s mood in reaction to the harsh criticism aimed at him yesterday.”

Oh, no! Does this mean he won’t run?

[SPOILER: No, because he was never going to run in the first place.]

“Arizona Sen. John McCain, the 2008 Republican nominee, said Christie was similar to the ‘flavor of the month.’ ‘The swimming pool looks a lot better until you jump right in. The water may not be quite as warm as you think,’ McCain said on CBS’ Face the Nation.”

But the pool always gets much warmer as soon as McCain jumps in.

See what I did there?

“Presidential candidate Rick Perry’s campaign shifted into major damage-control mode yesterday after revelations that his family’s hunting camp was once named ‘Niggerhead,’ with the racist word scrawled on a rock at the entrance.”

A press release from Perry’s campaign assured people that Perry’s family never actually hunted niggers there, but people continue to make a big deal about this for some reason.

“A fast-food restaurant in Beijing called Obama Fried Chicken was derided in America yesterday as a racist rip-off.”

The writing on the bottom right allegedly translates to “We’re so cool, aren’t we?”

The Post names two people who are deriding the Chinese restaurant are Al Sharpton (surprise, surprise) and Momodou Jallow. And who is Mr. Jallow? He’s the manager of a restaurant at 110 St. Nicholas Avenue in Harlem. Says Jallow, “I wouldn’t eat there because of that picture. You can’t degrade the president like that. [Their logo] is sketched that way to make fun of Obama so people will buy fried chicken. How can you take [Colonel Sanders'] body and put Obama’s head on it and call it OFC? It’s disrespectful.” And what is the name of Jallow’s restaurant?

Obama Fried Chicken.

But Jallow explains his anger at the Chinese: “For us, it’s different. There’s no disrespectful picture.”

Of course.

Bonus Points: The Post calls it “Obama’s Fried Chicken,” but the signage all says “Obama Fried Chicken.”

According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), Hailey Glassman (the ex-girlfriend of Jon Gosselin who told the press he was “hung like a 9-year-old”) has joined the cast of CMT’s Sweet Home Alabama. For those who aren’t familiar with the show, 11 “city” bachelorettes compete with 11 “country” bachelorettes for the affection of Tribble Reese (yes, that’s his real name).

If I was in charge of CMT, I would have called the show The Bachelurdle.

Page Six also reports that Christoph Waltz “dislocated his pelvis” while “training with a horse” for Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained.

Get well (and a restraining order) soon, Christoph.

Sigh. Cindy Adams still isn’t dead.

She starts off today’s column with a story about Rick Perry staying at the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island. “One thing it’s known for is the world’s longest porch — more than 800 feet. Said Rick Perry when he walked it: ‘Longest porch? Please. In Texas we’d consider it a windowsill.’” Right, except it’s the world’s longest porch, Rick. And Texas is, sadly, part of this world. Then again, this is the same guy who thinks evolution is less plausible than Intelligent Design.

Cindy later offers this… thing: “Ashton Kutscher [sic] going naked in his TV series role triggered a police action. Jealous cops want him to file in Small Claims Court.”

Die.

Andrea Peyser is in top form today.

“As the holidays bear down on this city faster than Alec Baldwin on a buffet table, the war on faith — a tradition more devoutly observed than Christmas, Hanukkah and Festivus combined — has arrived early.” I can’t believe she beat Bill O’Reilly to the punch! “At the ceremony commemorating the 10th anniversary of 9/11, Mayor Bloomberg, a proponent of Islam, banned all clergy members from participating — a move my source on Community Board 1 called ‘disgraceful.’ Soon these words may be forbidden: Merry, Happy, Joyful. Peace. So say them. As loud and as long as you can.” Yes, the Islam-loving mayor is going to ban the words merry, happy, joyful and peace because he hates Jesus.

Moron.

In Singing the Damned Yankees blues, she writes, “The Red Sox blew it. Bye-bye playoffs! Atlanta went down. Which leaves us with the prospect of having to cheer for the Yankees. No way.” This is the same person who, when the Yankees last won the World Series, called Derek Jeter “my man.” Fair-weather shrew.

She defends Demi Moore in Kick him out on his Ashton. Why? “Because I hate seeing a gal, even a pseudo-intellectual airhead, humiliated.” Luckily, calling someone “a pseudo-intellectual airhead” in a national publication isn’t humiliating.

She defends government employees who refuse to do what they’re paid to do in Let clerks say, ‘I don’t’ (which must make her gay-married niece so proud!). “Upstate Ledyard’s town clerk, Rose Marie Belforti, a Christian, refuses to sign marriage licenses for same-sex couples, who are sent to her deputy. Now, Belforti’s livelihood is at stake.” Mandrea goes on to explain that the Marriage Equality Act is hypocritical and “doesn’t protect the religious rights of those who toil as clerks. This is wrong. This is discriminatory. It must end.” But there’s one detail she leaves out of her passionate defense of law-breaking homophobes: ROSE MARIE BELFORTI DOESN’T HAVE A DEPUTY and she knows it. So when she tells same-sex couples that they can get a signature from her deputy, she’s lying to them. Which I’m sure Jesus appreciates.

Finally, HEY, HEY, HO, HO! TIME TO GO! explains why Occupy Wall Street should shut down their protest. “After weeks, I still haven’t heard a coherent explanation as to what protesters are trying to accomplish. Just that Michael Moore, who’s raked in millions from movies that demonize corporations that hire his friends and family, approves. That was fun. Now it’s time to say good night. And sleep in a bed.”

You want a coherent explanation, Mandrea? Here’s one that Fox News got (though they chose not to air it… I wonder why):

Charles Gasparino (senior correspondent for Fox Business Network) writes the op-ed Wall Street Die-Back: Feds choking golden goose, which begins, “The weirdo protesters ‘occupying’ Wall Street in recent days ought to be rampaging in Washington — because it’s the feds who’ve been choking the golden tax-revenue goose.”

He lost me at “weirdo.”

Claire Atkinson gives Two Broke Girls a B+ and calls it the “best-rated new fall show.”

I made it through the first two episodes. It is painfully bad. It’s almost as bad as Whitney (I could barely sit through the pilot).

Remember when there was incredibly funny TV shows on every night? Me neither.

After 778 consecutive weeks, Tiger Woods has dropped out of the top 50 in the world ranking of golfers.

Maybe he should start fucking porn stars again?

Linda 3Starsi reviews the season premiere of House.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Monday.

I have a rehearsal tonight, but I am confident that I will be all caught up by morning.

Happy Tuesday!

Don’t forget that Season 7 of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia premieres tonight at 10:00 on FX.

Awwwww yeah…

Most of the cover is devoted to Anthony Weiner loading a box into his car (CROTCHA!: Weiner moves out, Dems may be sent packing). The accompanying text begins, “Disgraced former Rep. Anthony Weiner did his fellow Democrats no favors yesterday — moving out of his district just as his panicking party struggled to hold on to his endangered congressional seat.” Um… what favors was he supposed to do? As the Post is happy to remind us every time they mention his name, he resigned in disgrace. Should he have held fundraisers for David Weprin so that you could put WEINER’S RAISING! or WEINER’S CAMPAIGNING HARD! or WEINER’S LATEST PHOTO OP (SFW) on the cover?

The poor man (with the enormous junk) is damned if he does and damned if he don’t.

There’s a picture on page 3 of Seth Green in Los Angeles with his wife, Clare Grant, who the caption says is “towering over the diminutive actor.”

Fun fact: Green is 5′4″, Grant is 5′7″.

I think whoever wrote this is trying to feel better about their small penis.

“IBM’s supercomputer system [Watson], best known for trouncing the world’s top Jeopardy! players on TV, is being tapped by health insurer WellPoint Inc. to help diagnose medical problems and authorize treatments.”

Great! What could possibly go wrong?

“On the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, the first three winners at Belmont on Sunday were horses wearing the numbers 9, 1 and 1.”

What are the odds, right? Astronomical… but not very lucrative. If you bet $2 on the pick-three, you won $18.60… which means that a $1 bet paid $9.30… oh my God.

That’s mad creepy, yo.

Geoff Earle’s giant headline O GIVES JOBS ‘CLIP’ SERVICE: $447B ‘tax hike’ plan bound by chintzy fastener stretches across pages 4 and 5 and his article begins, “President Obama’s plan to reverse the nation’s staggering jobless rate is held together with a paper clip! ‘Here it is,’ Obama said, waving a copy of his jobs plan during a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden yesterday, an enormous paper clip binding the pages together.”

I had no idea that Geoff Earle is six years old. Actually, that’s not fair. Geoff was just regurgitating the talking point that everyone at Fox and its affiliates were told to focus on.

Bonus Points: “Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) said, ‘For the president to sit here and say, “It’s pass my bill all or nothing,” that’s just not the way things are done anywhere in Washington.’” Unless the debt ceiling is involved, right, you Ayn Rand worshipping hypocrite?

Laura Italiano’s Rape-trial cop clear of drug rap begins, “A Manhattan judge dismissed the last remaining charge against the ex-cop at the center of the notorious ‘Rape Cops’ trial — taking him off the hook yesterday for the alleged possession of heroin found in a police locker. ‘Given that the defendant received a one-year sentence, the maximum sentence allowable under the law, on each of the three misdemeanors of which he was convicted, there’s no purpose served to proceed on the additional two misdemeanors,’ lead prosecutor Coleen Balbert told Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro in asking that the charge be dropped. The dismissal means the ex-officer, Kenneth Moreno, no longer faces up to one additional year for possession of two glassine bags of heroin recovered from his locker.”

Surprisingly, I write sarcastically, the Post’s coverage of last night’s CNN Tea Party debate doesn’t mention the crowd’s bloodthirsty approval of Ron Paul’s decision to let comatose Americans without insurance die. Instead, S.A. Miller focuses solely on Mitt Romney and Rick Perry citing the anti-Social Security quotes in each other’s books. Yawn.

The first sentence of Hannah Rappleye and Jennifer Fermino’s piece on page 10 is: “This is pne pothole — or whatever you want to call it — that just will not go away.”

I want to call it “one pothole.”

Page Six (today on pages 12, 13 and 14) implies that Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lopez might be romantically involved.

How exci(yawwwwwwwwwn)ting!

The NYPD DAILY CRIME BLOTTER (formerly the NYPD DAILY BLOTTER) features the story of William Pelzer, 43, who broke into a 61-year-old’s apartment and woke her up while stealing her jewelry box.

“Pelzer escaped out a widow, but was tracked down on Sept. 7.”

That poor woman.

Cindy Adams continues to piss on last Sunday’s 9/11 memorial.

“And most speechifiers invoked a famous person’s words. One quoted Lincoln, another some philosopher, another a poet. None had a thought of their own.”

Yeah, fuck all of those mourners using other people’s words to express their grief!

Cindy, I promise that when you die I will use only my own words to eulogize you.

“An optometrist from India has made the world’s first diamond- and gold-encrusted contact lenses. The lenses, which will cost between $12,000 and $16,000, are ‘totally safe,’ according to their inventor, Dr. Chandrashekhar Chawan. That’s because they ‘float’ several millimeters away from the surface of the eye on a special liquid.”

The only person more despicable than the person who invented these is the person who buys them.

Someone needs to punch Dr. Chawan in the face (preferably while wearing diamond-encrusted gloves).

Will Cameron Douglas face a stiffer penalty now that he has reneged on testifying against his suppliers?

I’ll give you a hint: He just hired a new attorney to serve as “additional counsel” — and his name is Ben Brafman.

$5 says Douglas’ sentence gets overturned by Christmas.

Staten Island’s Matthew Nugent writes in to say, “Where is the $450 billion to pay for this giant spending bill going to come from? Let me save months of speculation on the subject: If you’re either traveling to work or home from work, YOU will be paying for this ‘jobs’ bill.”

What about people who work from home, Matthew?

Lou Lumenick reports from the Toronto International Film Festival that “there was a steady stream of walkouts at the sparsely attended screening” of Madonna’s new movie (W.E.).

“What do you want us to do in this scene, Madonna?”

“Um… speak with mediocre accents and… um… walk around a tree for some reason?”

Discovery has a new reality TV show premiering Monday called American Underworld. It is described as “an extended, firsthand look at illegal activities. The cameras follow a coke dealer, a meth maker, a car-theft ring and a pimp, among others.”

Paddy Chayefsky’s Network continues to become less satirical every day.

Linda 3Starsi reviews NBC’s Up All Night and the season premiere of NBC’s Parenthood.

She gives Up All Night (“a witty sitcom”)… two and a half stars.

She gives Parenthood (“Best line of the night: Sarah to Julia: ‘Hmmm, she sells coffee, so yes, she’d probably sell her baby!’”)… three stars.

And that’s Tuesday.

More to come…

WIPEOUT!

NYC rations toilet paper at Coney Island

Rich Calder’s EXCLUSIVE cover story (followed up on page 5 in P!$$ED OFF OVER CONEY ‘TP’ RATION) tells us that the Parks Department is rationing toilet paper in the women’s public restrooms on the boardwalk.

“The Post witnessed stone-faced Parks Department employees leave toilet-paper dispensers empty last week and instead force astonished female beachgoers to form ‘ration lines’ in the bathrooms. Regina Ballone, 25, of Brooklyn visited a boardwalk bathroom at West 16th Street Wednesday and was ‘grossed out’ at the thought of someone handling her toilet paper.”

In a related story, I will be selling toilet paper and diapers on the boardwalk for the remainder of the summer. Stop by and say hello!

Offered without comment:

“ONONDAGA, NY — A motorcyclist at a protest ride against helmet laws was killed after he flipped over his handlebars and struck his head on the pavement. State troopers said Philip Contos, 55, was driving a 1983 Harley with other bikers protesting the laws by not wearing helmets. They said he would have likely survived if he had been wearing a helmet.”

And the nominees for 2011’s clunkiest opening sentence of an article are…

Jessica Simeone and Jennifer Fermino for ‘Flurry’ of training for bus drivers (“It’s Christmas in July for MTA bus drivers, and their out-of-season gift is more blizzard training.”)

And the winner is…

Anthony Weiner should send a gift basket to Dominique Strauss-Kahn, as the Post is now devoting all of their crude sexual puns to DSK. Case in point: Laura Italiano, Reuven Fenton and Bob Fredericks’ DSK can still get election, which claims that 49% of France supports a “comeback” for Mr. Strauss-Kahn.

Ironically, Weiner had more support from his constituents when he resigned.

Weekend box office:

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon opened in first place ($97,500,000), Larry Crowne opened in fourth ($13,111,000), and Monte Carlo opened in sixth ($7,425,000). The rest of the top earners were Cars 2 ($26,170,000), Bad Teacher ($14,500,000), and Super 8 ($7,820,000).

I have been trying to not pay attention to the Casey Anthony trial, but I (foolishly) watched the first part of the defense’s closing argument on YouTube (I couldn’t watch any more). One of the highlights (if you can call it that), was Casey’s attorney, José Baez, criticizing her father. “[Baez] also launched a scathing attack on George Anthony as a man ‘without an ounce of parental intuition,’ whose testimony has all but sold out his own daughter. ‘I don’t know a father in the world who wouldn’t fall on his sword for his child,’ said Baez.”

Even if she killed his grandchild, José?

“George only protects George and George throws Casey under the bus… She was raised to live that way… Is it a surprise she turned out this way?”

Speaking of throwing someone under the bus…

According to Page Six (today on pages 10 and 11), “On Friday at 6 p.m., a flood of breaking news alerts hit our inboxes, reporting celebrity divorces that were being filed or finalized.” Maria Shriver filed for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger and divorces were finalized for Ryan Reynolds & Scarlett Johansson, Patricia Arquette & Thomas Jane, and George Lopez & Ann Serrano.

Comic book nerds must be thrilled — the big-screen versions of Mr. Freeze, Green Lantern, Deadpool, Black Widow and The Punisher are all back on the market!

Fredric, You Dicker U. Dicker’s page 12 EXCLUSIVE (That’s the ticket! Top GOPer: Obama will tap Cuomo) informs us that “former New York GOP boss William Powers, credited with playing a key role in electing Rudy 9iu11ani mayor and George Pataki governor” knows that the 2012 Democratic ticket will be Obama/Cuomo.

“I don’t think there’s any doubt Obama is going to pick him as a running mate. The president is in trouble and [Vice President Joseph] Biden doesn’t bring anything to his ticket. The president will call him up later this year and say, ‘Andrew, you have to do this for the good of the country.’ What’s Andrew going to say, ‘No?’”

I don’t think Obama is going to make that call. But if he does, I am fairly certain that Cuomo will absolutely say, “No.”

The US Army Corps of Engineers say they’ll need between 1 and 2 billion (with a b) dollars to fix the Mississippi River and Tributaries Project (the world’s largest flood-control system, which stretches from Illinois to Louisiana).

Normally I’d want a second opinion, but I’m sure the US Army Corps of Engineers knows what they’re doing.

Cindy Adams is off today

Andrea Peyser is in top form today.

In Hero to the left? Not so ridickulous, she asks us to “Imagine if Mark Halperin had made a similar crack about the anatomy of Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann. I’ll bet he’d be greeted by high-fives from denizens of the lefty network’s sexist Romper Room.” Halperin said Obama behaved like “kind of a dick.” So… if he said Sarah Palin acted like kind of a vagina, the people at MSNBC would high-five him? Because MSNBC is full of sexists?

In Go ahead and pledge allegiance, she complains (again) about NBC’s omission of “under God” from their broadcast of children saying the Pledge of Allegiance. Except this time, she explains that it isn’t part of the left’s war on God.

“The war on patriotism is on… Just finding an American flag in our lefty halls of education is as rare as finding an avowed Republican in a political-science class.”

You know what else she hates? The US Constitution. “In 2006, a federal district court in Florida made the insane ruling that a 1942 state law requiring students to stand and recite the pledge violates the First and 14th amendments of the US Constitution. What about algebra?” (rimshot)

In Love, honor obey [sic] and go to sex rehab, she repeats the repulsively stupid claim that “Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, is taking at least two weeks off, from her job at the State Department and from her genitally obsessed hub.” She goes on to note that Abedin is “chilling solo for a couple of weeks while Weiner seeks at least two-weeks [sic] treatment for sex addiction.” I weep for Mandrea’s hub. And I hope that, someday, we’ll know for sure whether or not he’s a child molester.

Bonus Points: In METROCARD SHARKS, she complains that on three separate occasions, she has tried to add money to her MetroCard and “the machine took my money, but failed to put it on the card… Transit spokeswoman Dierdre Parker told me such events occurred about 4,250 times in May.” I hate the MTA with a fiery passion. But reading about Peyser’s misfortune made me giggle.

Derek Jeter will return to the Yankees’ lineup tonight.

[SPOILER: He was 0-for-4 and the Yanks lost to the Indians, but it was still good to see him on the field again.]

Welcome back, my darling.

And that’s Monday.

More to come…

Before I start on today’s horrible newspaper, I want to share a letter that was sent in regarding yesterday’s item about Andrea Peyser’s ridicule of Chaz Bono. I posted:

I find it hard to believe that the one on the right is the one with the penis.

Eileen R., of Hartsdale, wrote in to say, “I saw Chaz Bono’s interview on Oprah, and I quote, ‘I haven’t had the bottom surgery, and I don’t know if I will.’ The one on the right does not have a penis.”

Interesting. I still haven’t seen the documentary Becoming Chaz, but I just watched this trailer…

…and it makes me wonder what Mandrea was referring to when (s)he wrote, “Now — to her mom’s horror and the dismay of her lesbian girlfriend — she’s transformed.” I mean, I can see that Cher is unhappy about her daughter’s son’s decision, but Chaz’s girlfriend certainly doesn’t appear dismayed. In fact, she seems to be happy that the person she loves is becoming happier. And Chaz still has a vagina, so his girlfriend doesn’t have to pretend to enjoy fornicating with a penis.

Dismay? More like dismayormaynotbetrue!

Sorry.

(And thanks, Eileen!)

HE DID HAVE SEX WITH THE MAID is today’s cover story. Here are the interesting things I learned by reading the four pages of follow-up: The Post seems to have settled on the spelling of Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s name (for my fingers’ sake, I’ll call him DSK); at his arraignment, DSK’s attorney (Ben Brafman) said, “The evidence, we believe, will not be consistent with a forcible encounter.”; Brafman also insisted that his client isn’t a flight risk (despite the fact that the police caught him on a Paris-bound flight — two minutes before takeoff — and France has no extradition treaty with the US); the (alleged) 2007 incident between Tristane Banon and DSK actually happened in 2002 (this is a really, really terrible newspaper), making Banon 22 years old when it (allegedly) happened; the prosecution claims that Sofitel security footage exists showing DSK leaving the hotel and “he appeared to be a man who was in a hurry”; DSK faces up to 25 years in prison; French media reported that DSK called his wife on his way to the airport and told her he had “a serious problem”; DSK is currently incarcerated at Rikers Island (he was denied bail); and according to her neighbor, the (alleged) victim is a “devout Muslim.”

I predict that DSK will eventually be bailed out and he will flee.

Fredric, You Dicker U. Dicker and Brendan Scott’s GOP shocker for city electric rates begins, “Last-minute legislation to head off a threatened 12-percent rate hike for New York City electricity customers was in danger last night as Senate Republicans unexpectedly passed a different measure that could cost the city nearly $2 billion. Outraged lawmakers and city officials accused the Senate GOP of seeking a massive give-away for electric-generating companies that already are receiving city tax breaks on their property taxes. ‘This is a pure attempt to give the generating industry a windfall to which they’re not entitled,’ charged Sen. Michael Gianaris (D-Queens).”

The last four paragraphs are: “Last week, Bloomberg and Gov. Cuomo agreed on a measure guaranteeing permanent property-tax abatements at current levels to electricty-generating [sic] companies, thereby removing the basis for a little-noticed Federal Energy Regulatory Commission decision that could hike city electric rates by $500 million a year. The Democratic-controlled Assembly quickly passed the measure and a Senate spokeswoman had insisted the Legislature’s upper house would do the same yesterday. Instead, the GOP proposed a measure that would greatly expand the generating companies’ existing tax breaks. Senate GOP aides didn’t return calls seeking an explanation.”

I am pleasantly surprised that this ended up on page 2 today. And I look forward to the GOP’s explanation.

Over on page 3, Don Kaplan discusses the now-infamous man who licked his shoe on a downtown 5 train last Wednesday at around 9:30 p.m. (see video below)

Sadly, this is not the most disgusting thing I’ve seen on a subway train.

I hate the MTA.

Fredric, You Dicker U. Dicker sticks another knife in the GOP in page 8’s Skelos pals run & hide: GOPers duck his income issue. It begins, “Spineless Senate Republicans from around the state scrambled for cover yesterday — like rats caught in a floodlight — after they were asked to say whether Majority Leader Dean Skelos should disclose the names of his law clients that do business with the state. Several Republicans literally ran away from the question, cutting a bee-line out of the Senate lobby to avoid a reporter, while others clammed up or used double-speak to avoid giving a straight answer.”

It’s almost like Dicker wants to be fired from his job at the Post…

According to Page Six (today on pages 10 and 11), Lindsay Lohan “crashed the celebrity-packed DeLeón Tequila two-year anniversary party at the Chateau Marmont on Sunday and was asked to leave.” Her rep insists that “she did not crash,” but the CEO of DeLeón (Brent Hocking) said, “Lindsay was not invited… I advised Chateau management she wasn’t invited and that it wasn’t a good idea for her to be there, given her history.”

It’s official: Brent Hocking cares more about Lindsay’s well-being than her family and the courts.

Jeremy Olshan’s THE DONALD: I’M FIRED! officially breaks the news to our nation’s dimmest that Donald Trump has decided not to run in 2012 (if this news surprised you in the slightest, please do not reproduce). Here’s what Trump said (with my translation):

“This decision does not come easily or without regret.” (“This decision comes easily and without regret.”)

“Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector.” (“My real name is Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs.”)

“My potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country… I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and, ultimately, the general election.” (“If I never run, I can always pretend that I’m a viable candidate.”)

“I make you this promise: that I will continue to voice my opinions loudly and help to shape our politicians’ thoughts.” (“It is always easier to criticize than create. So I’ve chosen the former over the latter. Watch for me on the Fox News Channel!”)

“The United States slammed into its $14.3 trillion debt ceiling yesterday morning.”

Well played, GOP.

The Pencil Sharpener Museum has opened in Logan, Ohio.

It features “hundreds of the devices, the oldest dating from 1906. They’re conveniently organized into categories, including cats, Christmas and Disneyland.”

And, presumably, a place where children can sharpen their own pencil in order to gouge out their eyes.

Franklin Mata’s attorney (Edward Mandery) gave his closing statement yesterday in the “Rape Cops” trial.

“There are more holes in this case than a slice of Swiss cheese… you can’t find evidence of a crime that never happened.”

Prosecutor Coleen Balbert will present her closing arguments today.

I would like to share two of the letters sent to the Post (and published today).

Ozone Park’s Ray Hackinson writes, “The Post’s front-page headline, ‘Osama bin Wankin’,’ beats the Daily News‘ ‘Osama Porn Laden’ hands down, so to speak. It is a much more clever and humorous take on the trove of info found in Osama bin Laden’s lair.” But it can’t hold a candle to Variety’s “Dix Flix/Pix of Sick Prick In River Styx Clicks With Hicks.”

Manalapan, New Jersey’s Jeffrey Rickey writes, “I often wondered why the America-bashing left showed such sympathy for the radical Islamist. Now that I read that bin Laden had his lamp lit by indulging in XXX porn, it casts a new light on things. Bin Laden is one of them and would have made a terrific Democratic senator — not to mention that he would have made Sean Penn proud.” Hey, Jeffrey? Fuck you. Seriously. B’also? Stop raping kittens and sending love letters to Moammar Khadafy.

Crude oil dropped from $99.65 to $97.37/barrel yesterday.

The man who “developed Nathan’s Famous into a chain of restaurants” (he was the son of Nathan and Ida) died at the age of 89. His name?

Murray Handwerker.

I want to make a joke, but I have too many fond memories of Nathan’s (the one in Yonkers and the one in Coney Island). Rest in peace, Murray.

According to Joel Sherman and George A. King III, “[Jorge] Posada was so angry on Saturday night that, not only did he pull himself from the lineup, he also said he was done with the Yankees — in part because of his belief that Joe Girardi has treated him unfairly duing Girardi’s three-plus seasons as manager.”

I hope this isn’t true. But it’s the Post so I’m sure it isn’t.

After 23 years, Fox is canceling America’s Most Wanted.

Which means I can finally leave my house again!

Special thanks to Jed Morey (of the well-worth-your-time jedmorey.com) for a wonderful lunch.

The first, I hope, of many.

See y’all tomorrow.