Posts Tagged ‘F Train’

We were swamped at work and I didn’t get a chance to catch my breath until well into the afternoon. Even if I hadn’t forgotten my lunch at home, I wouldn’t have been able to eat until 4:00 at the earliest. But by then I had gone beyond hunger. Ever been there? When you wait so long to eat that you no longer feel like eating? It’s like your hunger fed on itself until it disappeared.

So I decided that I wouldn’t run out and get something awful in the area (the deli around the corner makes a semi-competent egg sandwich; the owner of the deli two doors down is still mad at me because I refused to comp him a doctor’s appointment; the Chinese buffet next door makes Panda Express look like Shun Lee; the Burger King next door is a Burger King). Instead, I’d wait until we closed at 9:00, hightail it to Zito’s Sandwich Shoppe on 7th Avenue (in Brooklyn, not Manhattan) and get my new most favoritest sandwich ever: The 8-Hour Slow-Cooked Pork Bracciole.

It’s a butterflied loin of pork (from Faicco’s!) stuffed with provolone, garlic, parsley and a pinch of bread crumbs, covered in their deceptively simple tomato sauce, and sprinkled with parmigianno reggiano — all served on a perfect hero (from Brooklyn’s own Il Fornaretto Bakery!). It’s absolutely amazing.

Zito’s closes at 10:00, but I called them at around 8:00 and asked when they stopped taking orders. “10:00 p.m.” Perfect. If I left work at 9:00, I’d be between the Carroll Street station and the 4th Avenue and Ninth Street station (which is an area that gets great cell reception as it isn’t in a tunnel) by 9:45. I’d call in my order and arrive at Zito’s by 10:00 at the absolute latest.

I wasn’t hungry until around 8:30, but from the moment I devised my plan I could only think of that sandwich and how good it would taste when I ate it with my face.

A patient arrived at 8:15, so I started tidying and closing down what I could. He was on his way by 8:50 and I considered calling in my order and telling them that I’d be there in an hour. “Nah,” I thought. “No need. My plan is foolproof.”

Cut to 9:30, when we actually locked up.

I calmly walked to the R train, frantically doing math problems in my head (what if I get off the train just before 10 and call in the order and then get back on the train — would that work?). I didn’t see myself getting a sandwich. So I started considering the places near Zito’s that would still be open. Mediocre pizza, horrendous Mexican, Dunkin’ Donuts, Rite Aid… nothing really tickled my fancy. Then I heard the R train coming. I raced down the stairs and then raced up the other stairs (I hate you, Cortland Street station) and made it onto the Brooklyn-bound R. I looked at my watch phone. It was 9:35.

“Hmmm… I could get to Jay Street by 9:48… if there’s an F train there by 9:53, my plan will still work!”

I maneuvered through the train so that I was standing exactly where the entrance to the escalator at Jay Street would soon be. When we arrived at the station, I hurriedly climbed the escalator (it’s like walking fast on an airport treadmill except not fun and it makes me wheeze). In all the time I’ve made this commute, there has never been an F train waiting for me at Jay Street. Tonight, there was. At the doors closed as soon as I started down the steps toward it. A crazy person was loudly trying to seduce a morbidly obese station agent as she pretended to sweep the floor. It offered me no succor. I would arrive home sandwichless.

An F came about 10 minutes later. When we were finally out of the tunnel, I called Zito’s. It was 10:02.

“Zito’s, how can I help you?”

“He wants to help me!” I thought. “A place that wasn’t taking orders wouldn’t offer me assistance!” I tried to hide my giddyness from the dead-in-the-eyes commuters surrounding me. “Are you still taking orders?” I asked.

“Sorry, no. We’re no longer taking delivery orders. We stop at 10. Have a good night.”

***

But… but… what of his offer of help? What did he expect me to ask for that he would have been able to aid me with? “Would it be possible for me to not order a sandwich?” I was gutted. But then I had another thought. They aren’t taking delivery orders, but what of pick-ups? What of pick-ups? We were back underground, but I started to feverishly imagine various scenarios wherein I exit the subway and call and ask to make a pick-up order and am told, “Sure thing!” or that I arrive just as they’re about to throw away a pile of unclaimed but perfectly OK sandwiches or that I appeal to the kindness of Zito and he smiles and nods and hands me the sandwich that he had been saving for me all along.

[Full Disclosure: I don't think anyone who works at Zito's is named Zito.]

I started walking towards the shop and saw their sign was still illuminated. “That’s a good sign,” I thought. Then I thought about what a horrible pun that was and winced. I crossed the street and approached their door. As I did, I noticed people sitting and eating. Then, as I was about to reach for the knob (and feign surprise when I found it locked), someone opened it to take out the trash. I saw my opportunity and seized it.

The first employee who saw me wasn’t any of the three guys behind the counter. They all had their backs turned to me and were dealing with various closing duties. No, the one who immediately took notice of me was one of the cooks. He had a slight note of “you’ve got to be kidding me” on his face. I smiled weakly at him and waited by the register. Finally, someone turned around and asked if he could help me.

“Can I get a sandwich to go?”

He looked at the cook, then at his register, then at me — all while wearing a mask of “please notice that I am trying to make it clear that you cannot.”

I would accept a “no,” but he would have to say it to me. I wouldn’t say it to myself. At this point I was getting deliriously hungry.

“…OK,” he surrendered. The cook rolled his eyes. I didn’t care.

I sat down to wait. I could hear various people saying, “I told him not to take out the trash yet” and “lock the damn door” and “we’re supposed to be closed by now” and “what is wrong with him?” I went from fearing that I cost someone their job to wondering if the last remark was directed at me to not caring about anything except bracciole. In fact, I started imaging the man getting killed by his co-workers for unknowingly letting me in and, at his peasant funeral, a rockslide wiping his entire family out. I imagined everyone at Zito’s pointing and laughing at me for being so pathetic that I needed to swindle my way into a meal. None of it mattered to me. I just wanted my dinner.

After what seemed like two minutes (but might have been three), I was handed my sandwich. I profusely thanked the man who handed it to me. Then I profusely thanked the man who unlocked the door to let me out. I almost started to cry.

It took me another 25 minutes to get home, but I didn’t care. As soon as I walked in the front door, I washed my hands, ripped open the foil and paper casing and did unspeakable, inhuman things to my first real meal of the day (the semi-competent egg sandwich I ate at 8:00 a.m. doesn’t count).

You know what? This would be a terrible movie.

Last night I worked a 13½-hour shift and went right to sleep when I got home. Now I am (and have a) super behind. Additionally, the F train is not stopping at our station this weekend, so getting to and from tonight’s show will be even more time-consuming than usual. But I will try to get through as much of these horrible newspapers as I can over the next two days, starting with…

I’m not sure who came up with the follow-up headline HE JUST CAIN’T REMEMBER HER: Herman says no way he harassed No. 4, but Kate Sheehy, Geoff Earle and S.A. Miller’s piece informs us that Cain remained defiant (at yesterday’s press conference) “even though he acknowledged that ‘there will probably be others’ coming forward to accuse him, fueled by his political enemies.”

The article also features not only what might be my favorite sentence about Herman Cain of all time (“Cain acknowledged that there’s a ‘remote’ possibility that his memory could just be failing him, but he doubted it.”), but also my new favorite Herman Cain quote (“Sexual harassment is a very serious charge. Yes, I have seen instances… and if I saw it… I dealt with it immediately. [But] it’s not just men who harass women. I also have seen situations where women sexually harass men.”).

Cain’s explanation of the alleged sexual harassment that accuser #4 (Karen Kraushaar, 55) is accusing him of is a close second (“One day in my office at the NRA, I was standing next to Ms. Kraushaar, and I gestured… [and said], ‘You’re the same height as my wife,’ because my wife came up to my chin.’”).

And, in the last four paragraphs of the 41-paragraph article, we learn about Donna Donella, 40, of Arlington, Virginia. (aka Accuser #5).

Kate Sheehy also tells us about two women (one of whom Andrea Peyser recently cited anonymously) who have come forward to discredit Sharon Bialek — Chicagoan Amy Jacobson, who allegedly saw Bialek talking to Cain last month at a Tea Party rally (“It sort of looked flirtatious.”), and Mandrea’s source, Anna Alexander, 64, of Queens (“I got a phone call [from Bialek] one day. I thought she was calling to wish me happy birthday. She was sobbing and crying that she was going to lose her apartment. She said, ‘Please help me out’… She said, ‘I will give it to you when I have it. In the meantime, go on welfare.’”).

The Post is treating the allegations leveled by these two women against Bialek as far more credible than the allegations being made by the two three four five women against Cain.

Correction

“The Post incorrectly reported that bettors pumped $15 million into the slot machines and electronic table games [at the Aqueduct racino]. The correct figure was $177.85 million.”

I had really high hopes for MTA finally gets it: ‘Patience’ wears thin, until I read it. It isn’t about the MTA making the trains run more frequently — it’s about how the end of their announcements have been changed from “Please be patient” to “Thank you for your patience.”

“‘How patient can I be?’ griped Deborah Draughton, 47, of Queens. Considering that her regular route — the problem-plagued F line — recently underwent substantial construction, she pointed out, ‘We’re already patient as it is.’” Actually, the substantial construction starts on Monday. Good try, though, Julia Marsh and Jennifer Fermino.

“Joshua Echevarria, 19, a Brooklyn subway rider, noticed the change on the M train recently. He shrugged it off. ‘At the end of the day, “we apologize, sorry for the inconvenience” doesn’t make a difference,’ he said. ‘If we’re late, we’re late.’” Amen, brother.

Candy Spelling, widow of Aaron and mother of Tori, won $90,000 in a single slot machine pull in Las Vegas. Three years ago, she won a $180,000 slots jackpot. The year before, she won a $200,000 slots jackpot. She also won a Toyota Prius in a charity raffle in 2007.

“She recently sold her 123-bedroom Los Angeles mansion for the bargain-basement price of about $85 million. That was reportedly $65 million below her original asking price.”

She’s very wealthy, even if you don’t count all of the money she made as singer/songwriter Paul Williams.

Post Wire Services is credited with the eight-sentence Ohio union victory, about the state’s rejection yesterday of Gov. John Kasich’s recent anti-union law (Kasich, a Republican, isn’t mentioned anywhere in the article).

Sentence #2: “The legislation, which would have allowed the more than 350,000 workers to bargain on their wages, would have banned ther right to strike, and eliminated binding arbitration or promotions based solely on seniority.”

Sentence #5: “Labor and business interests poured more than $30 million total into yesterday’s referendum.”

Sentence #8: “Also in Mississippi, voters rejected a referendum asking that life be defined as beginning at conception.”

This is a terrible newspaper.

There’s a lot about Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky and Penn State, but the only thing I want to share with you from Tim Bontemps and Leonard Greene’s A tragic end of the ‘Lion’ as Penn State gets set to sack Coach Paterno is this: “The backlash against Paterno has been mounting like an aggressive pass rush ever since child sex-abuse charges were leveled last week against Sandusky.” See what they did there?

Mike Vaccaro’s Sad flicker from beacon of integrity is less flippant and more heartfelt (albeit mildly confusing). “But even for Joe Paterno, there is a difference between what is legal and what is right… Penn State is a marvelous university. It has clearly tried to do what is proper across the decades. But it is no more infallible in its own world than the Catholic Church is in its world. I was raised in a parish ransacked by a rogue priest; I was subjected to many days and nights of inappropriate behavior, spared the worst of it by a saying the nuns would drill into us: There but for the grace of God go I. Others were not so fortunate.”

So… Vaccaro knew there was a priest molesting his peers, but he wasn’t molested because the nuns said “there but for the grace of God go I” to him a lot? Am I missing something?

Vaccaro doesn’t mention what happened to that priest — or if he ever reported the sexual abuses that “others” were subjected to. But he does spend an entire page shaming the various Penn State officials for not reporting Sandusky’s actions.

In Cain’s ‘time’ bomb, Michael Goodwin writes, “Polls showing that Herman Cain hasn’t lost much support over allegations of sexual harassment remind of the story of the man who jumps off a 40-story building. As he passes the 20th floor on the way down, he’s heard saying, ‘So far, so good.’ Be patient. It takes time, as much as two weeks, for most events to work their way through the political bloodstream. Ordinary voters don’t pay rapt attention to the daily drip of campaign drama the way pros and pundits do… Herman Cain, despite the denials, is about to hit bottom.”

Let’s see where Cain is in the polls on November 23rd.

Page Six (today on pages 12, 13 and 14) reports that Jennifer Aniston now has an “incredible bosom” and is probably pregnant (by Justin Theroux). But she recently told Hello! that “she was neither engaged nor pregnant. She explained: ‘It’s just I quit smoking, so I’ve gained a couple of pounds.’” Congratulations to Jennifer for whichever part(s) of that story isn’t a lie.

And in Oscars fire Ratner, Page Six reports that “director Brett Ratner was last night dramatically fired as producer of the Oscars after making bizarre remarks including, ‘Rehearsal is for fags.’” Five sentences later: “The Academy said in a statement: ‘[Ratner] did the right thing for the Academy [by resigning].’” I guess Oscars fire Ratner by accepting his resignation was too long for headline.

Finally, Elliott Gould talked about his friendship with Groucho Marx after a recent screening of California Split. “I once changed a light bulb over his bed, and he told me, ‘That’s the best performance I’ve ever seen you give.’ I said, ‘Well, that’s the best review I ever got.’” Neither man was kidding.

Cindy Adams writes, “Although Leonardo da Vinci passed away weeks ago, he’s returning. Coming is a film about his youth.” I wonder if Cindy will play herself.

B’also? “Question: A lifesaving paramedic makes $30,000 a year. A slam-dunk basketballer earns $20 mil. What’s wrong with this picture?” That you’re still alive?

B’also’also? “Murray Kellman sent [this query]: ‘Why drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?’” And Steven Wright’s attorney is sending him a cease-and-desist letter.

Heavy D (real name: Dwight Arrington Myers) passed away at the age of 44.

He will be remembered and then missed.

“The Obama administration cautiously offered up more areas in the Gulf of Mexico and off Alaska’s coast to oil and gas drilling yesterday. But the proposal didn’t go far enough to satisfy Republicans.”

Really? That’s so weird.

“A hulking, beer-guzzling rugby jock suffered a stroke in a freak training accident — and woke up gay. Chris Birch was a straight, 266-pound Welsh bank worker who liked sports, girls and booze and was engaged to his girlfriend before the lifestyle-changing event. Now he’s a 154-pound hairdresser who bleaches his tresses and lives with his 19-year-old boyfriend above his salon.”

Before:

After:

Fabulous.

Jennifer Fermino’s DA: No spit, Sherlock! claims, “Law enforcement is mulling a plan to use DNA samples to prosecute expectorating hotheads who hock loogies on transit workers.” I guess I’d better stop.

“From the beginning of the year through October, 145 bus and subway workers were spit on, officials said.” Maybe a better (and cheaper) way to make the number of (alleged) salivacides go down is to not award the (alleged) victims six months of paid leave (or to not give people numerous valid reasons to spit on MTA workers).

Over on page 32, you’ll find Kate Sheehy’s tiny article A win for BamCare.

“The conservative-leaning US Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia upheld a lower-court ruling that defended President Obama’s universal-health-care package as constitutional, despite the fact that the law will force all Americans to buy insurance or pay a penalty… A lawsuit brought by Pat Robertson’s American Center for Law and Justice contends not only that Americans should not be forced to buy health insurance, but also that Obamacare [sic] discriminates against those whose religious beliefs are anti-medicine.”

I’d forgotten how stupid Pat Robertson’s followers are.

Danny Gold’s Thief nailed at Zuccotti reports that “a raging lunatic” was caught stealing money from “a plumber who was taking up a collection for himself and 9/11 first responders” who knocked him unconsciousness. “When he regained consciousness, cops escorted him several blocks away but did not arrest him. Several protesters said the man has been harassing them for days.”

And people wonder why the Occupy Wall Street protesters don’t report more crimes to the NYPD.

(but only really stupid people)

John Podhoretz spends most of A Pack of Scandal Addicts: Media’s insane Cain obsession reprimanding the media for spending so much time on the sexual-harassment allegations against Herman Cain (as Bart Simpson once said, “The ironing is delicious.”). He also explains Twitter: “You can’t underestimate the attraction of Twitter to people like me who’ll always wonder whether we should have tried stand-up comedy earlier in our careers. A Tweet [sic] is basically a one-liner. ‘Take my wife — please’ was a Tweet [sic] half a century before Twitter’s creators were even born.”

John? I recommend trying stand-up much later in your career. Much, much later.

“Now you can add bigoted comments to the list of challenges facing Carsten Kengeter, the head of UBS’s investment banking operation… At the dinner with banking heads of several divisions inside the embattled bank, held to discuss strategy and rally the troops, Kengeter, 44, implored the bankers to make a more concerted effort to streamline the firm and likened the strategy to slashing expenses like a ‘Jewish shopkeeper.’”

Fun Fact: Kengeter was born in Germany, as were negative Jewish stereotypes.

MOVIE REVIEW!

Lou Lumenick gives three and a half stars to J. Edgar (“Clint and Leo ‘a dress’ the rumors in fascinating biopic”).

In honor of Kim Kardashian and Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband’s 72-day marriage, Michael Riedel writes about Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine’s 38-day marriage. Borgnine claims that during their honeymoon in the Far East, Merman “was furious that, while everyone recognized [Borgnine], nobody knew her. She had her revenge by refusing to give him some of her Kaopectate when he had diarrhea.”

“In Merman’s memoir, there’s a chapter titled ‘My Marriage to Ernest Borgnine.’ It’s followed by a blank page.”

But they looked so happy together!

“Dancing With the Stars host Tom Bergeron believes the dance show ought to pare back its schedule to one season per year from two.”

I think that’s a good start.

“Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, the stars of TLC’s popular 19 Kids and Counting, are expecting one more bundle of joy.”

In all seriousness, someone needs to solder that woman’s vagina closed.

And that’s Wednesday.

And now, I’m off to wait for the bus I have to take to get to the bus I have to take to get to the train to Manhattan.

I hate the MTA.

I hate the MTA.

On Saturday night, I braved the sleet and winds to get from my warm and cozy home to the UCB for Let’s Have A Ball. I took the same route I always do — the F to Jay Street-Metrotech where I switch to an A or C (if an A comes first, I get out at 14th Street and wait for a C or E to 23rd Street; if a C comes first, I take it all the way to 23rd).

Due to the weather I expected delays, but I always give myself plenty of time to get to the UCB (I prefer to arrive early and read over racing against the clock and giving myself an ulcer). When we arrived at Jay Street, the recorded announcement told me to “transfer here for the A, C and R train.” So I did.

An A showed up 10 minutes later and announced that it would be traveling on the F line until 4th Street. That made me sad (I got off an F Train 10 minutes ago — I would have taken it to 4th Street and switched to a C or E there had I known the A — and I assumed the C, as well — was becoming an F train), but I still had plenty of time and an Onion crossword to do.

When we got to 4th Street, the conductor said, “Next stop: 14th Street.” But I noticed we were still on the F line despite the previous announcement that said we’d be back on the A line from 4th Street on. The weather being what it was, I didn’t want to have to walk from 23rd Street and 6th Avenue to 26th Street and 8th Avenue. So I got off and raced upstairs to wait for a C or E. An E finally showed up and I got on. Ten minutes went by before the conductor announce, “This train isn’t going anywhere. If you want to go to 34th Street, go downstairs.”

A mob of already-frustrated straphangers raced downstairs only to find an empty platform. Eventually, an E arrived (on the F line) and I got on. After ten minutes, the conductor explained that there had been “an incident” at 59th Street and there was no service on the A, C and E lines. Five minutes later, we started moving.

I got to 23rd Street and 6th Avenue at 7:15. I called the UCB and asked them to let Becky and Kay know that I would be there ASAP and to hold the curtain until I got there (we were the only three performers because everyone else was out of town and Brandon’s plane to NYC was cancelled that morning). I was told (in a very polite way) that I didn’t have the authority to hold the curtain but they’d suggest it to the theater manager. If it wasn’t sleeting and if there wasn’t three inches of slush on the ground, I would’ve had no problem getting to the theater by 7:25. But it was (and there was), so I hurriedly slid into hordes of umbrella-toting pedestrians staring at the ground (instead of watching where they were going) until I got to the theater at 7:28. No curtain holding was necessary.

The show was fun and I was smart enough to pick up some empanadas for the journey home (I had to wait 25 minutes for an F train at Jay Street, but they were a delicious 25 minutes), but I saw something on the F train that made me glad that I had already eaten my dinner (as I would have immediately lost my appetite if I had one). I took a picture of the poster, but I found a less blurry photo at Fucked in Park Slope:

What this means: Starting on November 14th (and [allegedly] ending in “Spring 2012″), no southbound F or G trains will stop at the station I live above. This is the opposite of what happened last time (no northbound trains stopped there for a few months), and slightly more preferable (it will add no time to my commute to work in the morning, but it will require me to travel past my stop and transfer to a northbound train every time I am coming back from work or the grocery store or a rehearsal).

Bonus Points: FiPS also points out that the poster’s (alleged) finish date is different than the one on the MTA’s Web site.

I really and truly despise the MTA.

“As as many as 500 as many as 400 16 cops were hauled into Bronx Supreme Court yesterday to answer for the massive NYPD ticket-fixing scandal, and hundreds of officers protested outside, new details emerged on how the suspects made the summonses disappear.”

“IT’S A COURTESY NOT A CRIME” was a popular sign, as was “‘IT’S BEEN GOING ON SINCE THE DAYS OF THE EGYPTIANS.’ MAYOR MIKE BLOOMBERG.“ But my favorite is this: “JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS” (which you might remember as the most common defense at the Nuremberg Trials).

It looks like they’re standing in the street, doesn’t it? That’s a crime! Why isn’t anyone beating them with batons and pepper-spraying their eyes?

“Families worried about loved ones with Alzheimer’s getting disoriented and wandering off can now get them walking shoes with built-in GPS devices.”

But they’ll only work if the person wearing them forgets how to take them off.

There’s a story about how the new racino at Aqueduct Racetrack had to turn people away from their grand opening. I only mention it because it introduced me to my new favorite name: “‘This wait is crazy!’ said prospective gambler Inosent Carver, of Queens.”

His parents, Nahtgiltee Stabber and Akwidid Slasher, had no comment.

“Two off-duty NYPD officers were arrested yesterday morning charged with driving while intoxicated. Police officer Ariel Rosa, 26, was arrested after the rookie allegedly hit a parked car on Moffat Street in Bushwick  at 4:25 a.m. yesterday…He’s been suspended for 30 days without pay. Meanwhile, Officer Michael Botros, 29, was arrested near 150th Avenue and Lefferts Boulevard in South Ozone Park at about 7:40 a.m. yesterday, and also charged with driving while intoxicated.”

I don’t know who watches the watchmen, but I know who gently slaps their wrists.

“Firefighters powered down Occupy Wall Street yesterday, seizing protesters’ electric generators as the grungy horde prepared for the season’s first blast of wintery weather.”

The grungy horde? Fuck you, Antonio Antenucci and Bill Sanderson.

“Mayor Bloomberg said the seizure was made ‘just to make sure everybody’s safe.’”

Because what could make the protesters safer than removing the things that keep them warm right before a giant slush-storm?

“Meanwhile, a protester was arrested early yesterday on charges of assaulting a TV reporter. Dustin Taylor, 34, of Millersburg, Ohio allegedly threatened WNYW/Channel 5 reporter John Huddy, saying, ‘I’ll stab you in the throat with this pen.’” Now why would a protester be rude to a TV reporter? Hmmm… what’s WNYW/Channel 5 an affiliate of? Oh, that’s right. It’s Fox’s channel in New York City.

It’s such a shame that after weeks of insulting the protesters and perpetuating the “they don’t even know why they’re there” and “they hate wealth” myths, Fox isn’t treated with kindness. Incidentally, here’s a sign that might help Fox better understand the OWS movement:

“Meanwhile, a fed-up Rudy 9iu11ani said the city should move the protesters out, citing public safety and health hazards. ‘Enough is enough,’ the former mayor said. ‘We can’t allow this to go on forever and ever. It sets a bad precedent… [and] diverts police resources from public safety.’” And protests outside Bronx Supreme Court.

Bonus Points to Antonio and Bill for starting paragraphs #12 and 18 with “Meanwhile.”

“The Long Island Rail Road and a federal board said they are prepared to yank the pensions and disability benefits of the seven retirees busted in a $1 billion scam Thursday in which the workers allegedly falsely claimed to be too hurt to work.” Yay!

“But [RRB spokesman Mike] Freeman repeatedly refused yesterday to say if RRB will investigate — as it promised three years ago — whether up to 1,423 LIRR retirees who were approved disability benefits between 2004 and 2008 are legitimately disabled… The vast majority of the 1,423 retirees were certified disabled by two doctors, who were also busted Thursday.” Boo!

The TSA is firing the baggage inspector who put an inappropriate note (GET YOUR FREAK ON GIRL) in Jill Filipovic’s luggage after he spotted her vibrator. Here’s part of Jill’s response:

“I get no satisfaction in hearing that someone lost their job over this. I would much prefer a look at why ’security’ has been used to justify so many intrusions on our civil liberties, rather than fire a person who made a mistake… The invasion is inherent to the TSA’s mission, regardless of whether a funny note is left behind — the note only serves to highlight the absurdity of all this security theater.”

Page Six is on page 10 today.

“Actress Kristen Stewart has revealed the latest movie in the ‘Twilight Saga’ was originally given a ‘R’ rating after a sex scene between her and real-life lover, Robert Pattinson, was deemed too steamy… Luckily for younger fans, the rating will not be final as the scene is being re-cut.”

Wait… the Twilight Saga has older fans?

Conrad Murray’s lawyer put Dr. Paul White on the stand yesterday and he told the jury that “Michael Jackson likely injected himself with a fatal dose of the anesthetic propofol after popping an extra eight sedatives without [Conrad Murray's] knowledge.”

This is an odd strategy, as Los Angeles juries have made it clear that they disregard everything Michael Jackson does.

Swedish Chef:

Swedish Lunch Lady:

“[A lunch lady in Sweden] stunned teachers and students when they confronted her about the inedible food she served, and she responded by taking off her pants.opening her shirt, and doing a striptease in the cafeteria. ‘The school’s social-welfare officer tried to tell her this is no [sic] acceptable behavior, but she just kept on dancing,’ said a witness.”

This seems like a good time to thank all of the cafeteria workers in all of the schools I have ever attended for never taking off any of their clothes in my presence.

“A stray beagle mix that cheated death in the gas chamber of an Alabama dog pound is up for adoption in New Jersey.”

When he heard this, Pat Buchanan (who recently complained that Jews — “who represent less than 2 percent of the US population” — have “33 percent of the Supreme Court’s seats”) turned to his wife and said, “See? They can’t even kill a beagle mix in a gas chamber! I told you the Jews were lying about the Holocaust!”

Rich Lowry still doesn’t get it.

“Are we divided between the top 1 percent and a vast wasteland of the dispossessed, as many of the Occupy Wall Street protesters have it? Or are we still the land of opportunity, as top House Republican Paul Ryan insisted in a recent speech at the Heritage Foundation? The answer is that we are still a mobile society, although not as much of one as we might wish. If the nihilistic despair of the Occupy Wall Street crowd is detached from reality, neither is self-congratulation in order.”

Vast wasteland of the dispossessed? Nihilistic despair? That’s weird. When I listen to what the various Occupy groups are saying — and doing — I get a sense of unity and compassion and hope that has been sadly missing from America for some time. But please, Rich, tell us what the answer to our nation’s problems are.

“If Americans finished high school, worked full time at a job that matched their skills and married at the rate they did in the 1970s, the poverty rate would be cut 70 percent.” Of course! Everyone should just get full-time jobs! Brilliant!

“These old-fashioned bourgeois virtues, and particularly marriage, rarely figure in the public debate. Everyone is more comfortable talking about taxes or the banks, as the American Dream frays.” Yeah, Occupy Wall Street! Shut up about the criminals who almost destroyed our economy! Start protesting the lower marriage rates in this country!

Rich Lowry is not very bright.

Not to get too meta, but I honestly don’t know if the authors of these two letters to the Post are being sarcastic or not:

Staten Island’s Charlie Honadel writes, “I know that Frank J. Fleming is trying to be funny and that ‘Why We Must Lose the Darn 1 Percent’ is supposed to be satire. But some people might not understand he’s kidding and take him seriously.”

Flemington, New Jersey’s Joe Hann writes, “Fleming must have written this column with tongue in cheek the whole time. Include a picture next time so that we can know for sure.”

“Tesla Motors, a US maker of electric cars, is sold out of next year’s production of its new Model S sedan and should earn a profit in 2013, CEO Elon Musk said in a Bloomberg TV interview.”

I would like to applaud the Post for printing this sentence without adding “for eco-fags” after “electric cars.”

GOBLIN IT UP! is the PULSE section’s guide to the right candies to get for “your guests” on Halloween.

Examples include: A nine-piece bonbon box from Max Brenner ($12.90), a small skull with marshmallow eyes from Jacques Torres ($20), and cupcakes from Crumbs ($3.75 each).

If you come to my house on Halloween, I will give you one fun-sized candy bar from a giant bag that I got on sale at Rite Aid. You’re welcome.

Hondo (the sports section’s resident right-wing pundit) writes, “The Occupy Wall Street Protesters, aka ‘the 99 percent,’ today will belong to a group in which they will be ‘the one percent’ — the tiny minority that camps out while being deluged by a wintry mix.”

And speaking of tiny minorities,

And that’s Saturday.

Teresa and I are heading down to Zuccotti Park tomorrow and I start my new job (finally!) the following morning. But I’ll write what I can when I can.

Have a great week and Happy Halloween!

Also in Page Six (still on page 10) is the news that “Lindsay Lohan’s reps are ordering clubs where she parties not to play songs by rapper Pitbull, whom she’s suing over his lyrics, ‘I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.’”

In case you had forgotten, Pitbull (real name: Armando Christian Pérez) released a song (“Give Me Everything”) whose lyrics Lindsay claims in her lawsuit are “defamatory statements [that] are destined to do irreparable harm” to her (who is described as “a professional actor of good repute and standing”). More like a professional defendant of ill repute who’s rarely standing, am I right?

“Yesterday it was reported that Lohan was supposed to serve 360 hours of community service at Los Angeles’ Downtown Women’s Center, but was given the boot for violating the rules. TMZ reported she missed nine scheduled visits and would leave others early… She’s due back in court on Wednesday.”

I hope the judge gives her a seventeenth chance.

Bonus Points: Here’s a recent picture of Lindsay’s teeth (she was on the red carpet at a video game release party in Hollywood, so it’s not like she wasn’t expecting to be photographed):

In Perry gusher: Cap energy regs, Geoff Earle would like you to know that “Texas Gov. Rick Perry yesterday announced a plan to ‘kick-start’ the economy by rolling back ‘aggressive’ environmental regulations… ‘The quickest way to give our economy a shot in the arm is to deploy American ingenuity to tap American energy. But we can only do that if environmental bureaucrats are told to stand down,’ [Perry] said.”

Earle doesn’t seem to have a problem with Perry’s plan and you might not either… unless you read more about it.

Rick Perry thinks what this country needs is less regulation. And you might, too… if oil companies paid you as much as they pay him.

Erik Kriss devotes three sentences to ‘Don’t frackin’ do it,’ which is buried in the bottom-right corner of page 12. Here are the first two: “Gov. Cuomo should go and check Pennsylvania fracking’s ‘devastating effects’ before allowing it in New York, Sen. Greg Ball (R-Putnam) said yesterday. He also urged lawmakers to visit Pennsylvania communities impacted by hydraulic fracturing before granting permits to drill for gas in upstate’s Marcellus Shale.”

A Republican warning Cuomo about the dangers of fracking? Now I truly have seen everything.

“The rash of sex attacks in Brooklyn is even worse than anyone feared. Cops yesterday added seven additional cases to the list of sex crimes believed to be part of a disturbing pattern. The attack toll in Park Slope, Sunset Park, Windsor Terrace and Bay Ridge over the last seven months has now reached 20, officials said. Of the new attacks, six of them occured at one busy Park Slope F-train station, cops said yesterday.”

And that station is… Seventh Avenue (the stop before ours). And the only train that takes us from our house to Manhattan is… the F train.

I’m buying my wife some mace.

Rich Lowry discusses the “puerile ideology of Occupy Wall Street” (which he also calls “insipid”) because he is a smug prick.

The editorial Showdown Postponed complains that “what might have been an ugly confrontation between the trustifarians of the Occupy Wall Street movement and the NYPD was avoided at the last minute yesterday morning.” Damn it! We wanted to put violence on our front page!

Later, the Post takes solace in the fact that the protesters, upon learning about their victory, “several hundred protesters” took to the streets, “leading to clashes with cops throughout the Financial District — a reminder that there has been a violent element to this movement from the start.” Um… what? Tea Partiers brought assault rifles to Town Hall meetings! The protesters on Wall Street have no weapons — and get pepper-sprayed and beaten with nightsticks by overzealous (and/or deranged) police — and they’re the violent ones? That is some fair and balanced thinking.

“Meanwhile, police overtime costs — which hit $3.2 million this week — will continue to grow. (Maybe it’s just time to redeploy them to where they can be more useful — like actually fighting crime or something.)” Mark your calendars. Today is the day the editorial board at this horrible newspaper actually published something intelligent. I’m sure it was an oversight.

“Rep. Edward Markey (D-Mass.) sent a letter to Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos yesterday expressing his privacy concerns with the e-commerce giant’s soon-to-be-launched Kindle Fire tablet. Amazon developed a Web browser called Silk to run on the new device, which was unveiled last month and will be in stores Nov. 15. The browser facilitates speedy Internet surfing but also directs all traffic through its cloud service, allowing it to collect a treasure trove of consumer data.”

“The Silk browser… gives Amazon the ability to track users across the Web as they surf and shop. As a default setting, all users’ online activity is recorded on Amazon servers… Amazon has said consumers can opt-out of routing their activity through its servers, but that slows down their connection.”

If only we had some (¿cómo se dice…?) net neutrality or something.

“In Fort Lauderdale, Fla., Manny Ramirez pleaded not guilty to a domestic battery charge involving his wife… He is free on $2,500 bail.”

It’s just another case of Manny being Manny pleading not guilty.

“ABC has cancelled the low-rated Charlie’s Angels after just four episodes, according to multiple reports.”

I hope co-star Minka Kelly doesn’t get depressed and kill herself over this.

Yes, I do. Derek Jeter should only date me.

And that, finally, is Saturday.

More to come…

Cover story IN HOT WATER: Jet pee jerk bust informs us that Robert “Sandy” Vietze is “facing a federal indecent-exposure charge and was officially booted from the US [Ski Team].” He also faces a $1,000 fine.

A Port Authority spokeswoman said of the case, “He was intoxicated and was charged, as it’s against the law to pee on another person.” Touché.

B’also? Jet, pee, jerk and bust are all nouns and verbs.

Mayor Bloomberg is in favor of tax hikes on the super-rich — and everyone else.

“If you want to raise taxes, don’t pick one class of people and say, ‘I think they have too much money,’ or ‘I don’t think they have enough money,’ or whatever… Raise everybody’s taxes 1 or 2 percent, whatever.”

Spoken like one of the people who has too much money.

Bill Sanderson’s follow-up to yesterday’s piece on the Falcon HTV-2 reveals that the missing plane “was part of a $120 million experiment” and that “Since 2003, the government has spent $320 million on the program, including the cost of another failed glider launch in 2010.”

Who spent $320,000,000 on it?

“A spoiler may actually enhance one’s enjoyment of a book or film — even if it has a suspense-driven story line… When University of California, San Diego, researchers had at least 30 people apiece read a review or view ironic tales, mysteries and literary stories, most preferred versions with paragraphs or scenes that gave everything away. The study is to be published in the journal Psychological Science.”

And he dies at the end.

“An obese Bronx man who leaped in front of a No. 2 subway in an apparent suicide bid yesterday was knocked back onto the platform where he slammed into a woman, authorities said. ‘I heard a scream and then a crunching sound,’ said witness James Dobbin.”

How much is that woman going to sue the MTA for?

Geoff Earle wants us to know that “While she is still not a declared candidate, Sarah Palin hit the famed Iowa State Fair yesterday, telling the Des Moines Register, ‘I haven’t even decided yet if I’m going to jump in or not yet.’” And if you haven’t figured out yet if she’s running or not yet, let me help: Sarah Palin isn’t running for anything ever again. B’also? This is from June:

Either Bristol Palin lied to Fox, or Sarah Palin lied to the Des Moines Register. Or both. Or Sarah lied to Bristol. The only thing we can definitively conclude is that the Palins are horrible.

Geoff is also responsible for The first lady of leisure, which begins, “Don’t look for any moss under the feet of First Lady Michelle Obama, who spent an enviable 42 days traveling on vacation over the past year.” How dare she? Doesn’t she know she’s supposed to stay in the White House and conduct official business and not traipse off to “Panama City, Fla., Latin America and South Africa, where she also conducted official business”?

Good thing we have people like Geoff to help us focus on the truly important issues. I’d love to compare the number of vacation days Michelle Obama has taken to how many Hillary Clinton and/or Laura Bush took while they were First Lady, but no one was keeping track of that back then on account of no one has ever cared what the First Lady has ever done (until there were Black people in the White House). Laura Bush ran a stop sign and killed her ex-boyfriend, for Christ’s sake!

Remember that water-main break in the Bronx a few weeks ago? Remember when I said that it was going to happen again?

“The city suffered another major water-main break yesterday when a Harlem pipe busted open, unleashing a 30-foot geyser, ripping open a giant sinkhole and taking out a gas line. Dozens of buildings lost gas and water in the area, and A, B, C and D subway trains were disrupted as city and Con Ed crews struggled to fix the mess.”

So was the F train.

This is going to continue to happen. Especially if it keeps raining like this.

Page Six (today on page 10) cites Hal Vaughan’s new book, Sleeping With the Enemy: Coco Chanel’s Secret War, in calling Coco Chanel a Nazi spy for the German military organization Abwehr. “Vaughan reports that in 1940, Chanel was recruited into the Abwehr, having been introduced to the organization through one of her lovers, Baron Hans Gunther von Dincklage.”

The next time I’m in a hotel and I see this by the sink:

I’m going to run out and buy a different brand. Just in case.

Jani Lane, the lead singer of Warrant, died at the age of 47 last Thursday.

“The Ohio native left Warrant several times before returning for a series of concerts in 2008. He then left permanently.”

Technically, he permanently left the band last Thursday.

“The New York Post took nine honors in the New York State Associated Press writing and graphics contests.”

In the column writing contest (for papers with Over 125,000 copies in circulation), “Selected Columns by Andrea Peyser” came in second. “Selected Columns by Michael Goodwin” came in third. Rod Watson of the Buffalo News came in first.

Rod Watson, American hero.

“Casey Anthony must return to Orlando within two weeks to serve a year’s probation for check fraud, a Florida judge ruled yesterday.”

Poor Casey Anthony.

Michelle Malkin’s latest diatribe begins, “Everything that’s wrong with the so-called debt ’super-committee’ can be summed up in the person, partisan hackery and policy ignorance of Washington Democratic Sen. Patty Murray.”

“Above all else, Murray is a glaring symbol of her party’s intellectual bankruptcy when it comes to solving our entitlement mess.”

Which is worse — intellectual bankruptcy or moral bankruptcy?

And before you answer, know that Malkin is both.

“Apple and six large book publishers have been sued in Manhattan federal court, charged with conspiring to fix the price of e-books. The lawsuit, which seeks class-action status, claims the price-fixing boosted the price of e-books, in certain instances, to $16.99 from $9.99 in less than a year.”

The publishers being sued are MacMillan, Simon & Schuster, Hachette Book Group, HarperCollins, Penguin Group (USA) and Random House.

Fun Fact: HarperCollins is owned by News Corp.

Let’s finish today’s entry with a photograph of Rick Perry.

I bet he wears Chanel’s Égoïste Pour Hommes.

And that’s Saturday.

Went to bed at 3:15 a.m. last night, woke up at 4:30 a.m., went to hospital for my wife’s minor procedure at 8:00 a.m. (we had to get there at 6:30), got home at around noon, took a three-hour nap (Teresa’s still asleep), and started writing. I may or may not be able to finish (if my yawns are any indication, bet on the latter), but I’ll try.

I’m glad my rehearsal tonight was cancelled as I would have had to ingest copious amounts of coffee to attend and then I’d be unable to get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

Teresa is fine, albeit tired, as am I (both fine and tired). And now, the Post.

SON OF A SWITCH: MTA big’s subway-safety sham begins, “A high-ranking MTA official making $122,000 a year landed his son a job doing critical maintenance on subway track and switch signals — by lying about his kid’s credentials as an electrician.”

“Both assistant Signals Division chief Patrick Sohan and his 24-year-old son, who has the same name, have been sacked in the latest scandal to hit the troubled division, already under fire after it was discovered that inspectors were filing phony reports by signing off on equipment that was never checked. Neither father nor son has been criminally charged, but one source said the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office is looking into the matter.”

1) Looking into the matter? Charge these scumbags with criminal negligence and fraud and then look deeper.

2) Why is only the Manhattan DA investigating? The younger douchebag worked out of the Coney Island-Stillwell Avenue signal office (in Brooklyn), which covers the D, F, Q and N lines (which run through Manhattan, The Bronx, Brooklyn and Queens). That means he willfully put the lives of residents in those four boroughs at risk. As did his equally despicable father.

3) The most repugnant thing about this story (in my humble opinion), is how this scheme came to light: “Transit officials were tipped off about the dangerous scheme earlier this year by other signal maintainers, who were outraged that the younger Sohan was getting preferential treatment, including more overtime and weekends off, the source said.” It wasn’t concern for people’s lives that made anyone at the MTA step forward (after all, two MTA inspectors blew the whistle on the phony signal inspections in 2000, but no one actually did anything about it) — it was jealousy and greed.

The MTA is an organization staffed by war criminals, idiots and thugs. And I hate them very, very much.

Don Kaplan spoils the big reveal in Marvel Comics’ Ultimate Fallout #4 (out today) on page 3 — that the new Ultimate Spider-Man is a half-Black, half-Latino teenager from “a yet-to-be-determined Brooklyn neighborhood” named Miles Morales (The new Spider-Man — unmasked!).

Thanks, Don! You just saved me $3.99!

Although… if this is the first appearance of the new Spider-Man… I’d better by 100 copies! I’ll make millions!

Rebecca Rosenberg and Kate Sheehy’s FLYING THE COOP!: Peacock flees zoo for 5th Ave. tells the tale of the peacock who escaped from the Central Park Zoo yesterday and the fake Twitter accounts set up in his name.

“One tweet suggested he’ll stay on Fifth Avenue. ‘I escaped the zoo because I was stick of the tourists,’ it read.”

What do you think, kids? Did the person tweeting as the peacock misspell “sick” by accident? Did he/she do it on purpose (because peacocks don’t have thumbs, perhaps)? Or does the typo belong to Rebecca and Kate?

The world may never know.

That didn’t take long.

A day after the Post celebrated Gabrielle Giffords’ brief return to the Capitol, Geoff Earle, S.A. Miller and Chuck Bennett give us Question remains: Will Gabby run?, which starts by saying that her “dramatic return… showed she remembers colleagues’ names and how to vote on bills, but did little to answer the question of whether she is ready to run for re-election next year.”

They didn’t even wait for the puddle of drool she left on the floor to get cold.

Too soon?

“Honda’s 1994 Accord was the most frequently stolen car in the nation in 2010 for the third straight year.”

You’d think Honda would stop making them by now.

There’s a photo of a mildly pregnant Huma Abedin and Anthony Weiner on page 5. The headline?

The Weiner bulge

“New York’s tallest building is still under construction, but it’s already scraping the sky. At 76 stories, 1 World Trade Center, the crown jewel of what was once a bleak and dreary pit, is already the tallest building in downtown Manhattan.”

Just imagine how tall it will be when they finish building it in 2638!

“A Southwest Airlines employee went berserk yesterday, nearly killing his boss with a pipe in a break ro0m at La Guardia Airport, police said. Calvin Williams, 33, a ramp worker, allegedly used the three-foot pipe to repeatedly smash his supervisor, John Georgiou, 49, on the head, according to law-enforcement sources. Williams was charged with assault, weapons possession and harassment for the 2:30 p.m. attack, which left Georgiou in critical condition at Elmhurst Hospital.”

Assault? What do you have to do to get charged with attempted murder in this town?

Erik Kriss’ NY turns into flee market: 1.6M bolt high-tax state in last decade begins, “Taxed-out New Yorkers are voting with their feet, with a staggering 1.6 million residents fleeing the state over the last decade, a new report found.” But the eighth paragraph begins, “Since 1960, New York has lost 7.3 million residents to other states — a net loss of 2.5 million people after adding in an influx of 4.8 million new immigrants, the study found.”

What Erik Kriss fails to mention in the 18-paragraph piece: How many new “immigrants” New York has gained in the last decade. Probably because it would preclude using the anti-tax headline.

Michael Goodwin’s Scapegoater-in-chief condescends, “Mounting his shrinking soapbox soon after the Senate passed the debt-ceiling bill, President Obama took less than a minute to lapse into his class-warfare shtick. It’s always us-against-them with him, but yesterday was especially off-key. For all its drama and histrionics, the vote in Congress was a rare note of bipartisanship he could have embraced as a model… This is a successful democracy taking action… the deal proves compromise still can work in a divided country.”

Hahahahahahaha! Oh, wait. He’s (pretending to be) serious.

“So we heard again that the evil ‘oil companies’ and ‘billionaires’ and the ‘wealthy’ and ‘big corporations’ need to ‘pay their fair share.’ Doesn’t he ever get tired of saying the same things?”

Hey, Michael? The majority of the country agrees with him. And they’re angry that the GOP refused to allow Obama to add revenue to the bill (and that Obama refused to stand his ground). And successful democracies are founded on elected officials following the wishes of their constituents. I think you meant to call America a successful oligarchy.

“[Obama's] sinking, and his approval is now a woeful 40 percent — that’s Jimmy Carter territory.”

Fun fact: 40% is Obama’s lowest approval rating. Carter’s lowest was 28%. George W. Bush’s lowest was 25%. Harry Truman’s lowest was 22%.

According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), Lindsay Lohan is staing at Paris Hilton’s beach house in Malibu. But is she back on drugs and booze? Let’s let this photo from mavrixonline.com answer that, shall we?

Maybe another stern talking to is in order, your honor?

Cindy Adams plays an incredibly tedious game today. “So, if Janet Jackson married Randy Jackson, shed be Janet Jackson Jackson. Vanessa Williams to Andy Williams? Vanessa Williams Williams.” She goes on to create Jennifer Lopez Lopez Lopez Lopez, Katy Perry Perry Perry Perry and (to prove she’s still hip) Bonnie Franklin Franklin (her name if she married Joe Franklin).

But my favorite “item” is this: “Oprah’s new network had big disappointment this week. The star chef found out sushi is no longer a trendy food. And just when she learned to cook it.”

Get in the box, Cindy. Please.

Consumer Reports has decided that the best “traditionally packaged” coffees (David K. Li later refers to them as being “traditional packaged”) are Gloria Jean’s Colombian Supremo Medium Roast and Newman’s Own Organics Colombian Especial Medium Roast. And they’re a bargain at just $13.50 and $13.60 a pound (respectively).

Thanks, Consumer Reports, but I’m happy to keep drinking Trader Joe’s Colombia Supremo Medium Roast for half the price.

Are the New York Islanders going to become the Brooklyn Islanders and play at the Barclays Center?

I don’t care!

The editorial The Promise of Tax Hikes begins, “President Obama quickly signed the debt-ceiling bill following Senate passage yesterday — and even more quickly redeclared class warfare. Speaking in the Rose Garden, the president pointedly declared, ‘You can’t close the deficit with just spending cuts’ — code for ‘taxes must go up,’ because Democrats dare not say so directly.”

Is he wrong? Can we close the deficit without raising taxes? Nope. But it’s helpful to keep telling people that Obama is (re)starting a race war (did I say race war? I meant class war).

Over in the TV listings, the season finale of Franklin & Bash is listed in the Best Bets sidebar. But for some reason, it doesn’t appear in the actual listings. Maybe that’s because today is Wednesday, August 3 and the TV listings are for Thursday, August 4.

Only in (the) New York (Post), kids. Only in (the) New York (Post).

Time for sleep.

G’night.

There’s all sorts of good stuff in today’s paper, but one thing in particular caught my attention: Andrea Peyser’s Gay-nay marriage clerks say: ‘I don’t!’

You may remember that Mandrea was anti-gay marriage until June 20th, when she decided to stop making her niece cry. She would still happily deny homosexuals equal rights except someone in her family (her gay niece) challenged her to the point of exhaustion (the first sentence of her June 20th piece is “I give in.”).

But today, Ms. Peyser defends the rights of two women who haven’t had the same come-to-Jesus (run-away-from-Jesus?) moment that she begrudgingly had: Rosemary Centi and Laura Fotusky.

“Rosemary Centi has per formed marriage ceremonies in upstate Guilderland for the past 10 years, hitching hundreds of satisfied men and women. For good, she hopes. This morning, Centi is doing her last wedding. ‘I am Catholic,’ she told me, ‘and my definition of marriage is between a man and a woman. It is a sacrament.’”

“Laura Fotusky has joined couples in holy matrimony in the tiny upstate town of Barker for four years. Her run ends Thursday. ‘I’m a Christian,’ Fotusky told me. ‘As a Christian, I have to follow the word of God.’”

“Centi and Fotusky refuse to wed people of the same sex. After praying and agonizing for weeks, each public servant came to an identical conclusion: They’d rather quit than unite.”

Now, most intelligent people would understand that Centi and Fortusky are allowed to discriminate against homosexuals in their spare time, but if their job is to serve the citizens of their town, they can’t ignore the law. I mean, would anyone defend the town clerk(s) who said, “The government may say White and Black people can marry each other, but not in my town!” in 1967? Of course not. But Peyser is on the side of these women (presumably because she doesn’t have gay relatives in Guilderland or Barker).

“Readers know that I have come to accept same-sex marriage. But I cannot fathom why New York allows a rabbi, priest or Shinto minister to refuse, legally, to perform gay weddings — but the law extends not one lick of respect to nonordained [sic] individuals of faith.” Really? You can’t fathom why? Let me try and dumb it down for you: If a Shinto priest (according to Google, the only people who call them Shinto ministers are Peyser and the person who wrote the synopsis for The Ring 2) refuses to perform a marriage ceremony in his house of worship because it is in conflict with the religion’s beliefs (Fun Fact: Gay marriage is not in conflict with the Shinto religions beliefs!), then the gay couple can go somewhere else and get married.

Should I start complaining because my local mosque won’t let me hold a bris there? Has anyone ever written to their local representatives to complain that the Catholic Church won’t let them observe Ramadan in St. Patrick’s Cathedral?

Religious freedom means the freedom to practice your religion. That means you can be anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-pork, anti-alcohol… you name it. But if you work for the government and our jobs is to give out marriage licenses and/or perform marriages, then your religion cannot affect your job. Because there’s a… oh, it’s on the tip of my tongue…

“‘I believe that there is a higher law than the law of the land,’ Fotusky wrote to town officials. ‘It is the law of God in the Bible.’”

…oh, yeah! A separation between church and state! But Centi and Fortusky (and Peyser, apparently) disagree. They believe that the Bible trumps all man-made laws. In fact, in her resignation letter, Fortusky notes that the Bible says “we ought to obey God rather than men.“

If this is true, I’m going to have a lot more fun from now on. For example, I saw a kid call his mother a “stupid asshole” on the subway the other day and I didn’t do anything (except stifle a chuckle). But the Bible tells me that “If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death.” I’ll keep an eye out for him every time I’m on the F train.

And anyone who has daughters should know that the Bible would very much like you to let a mob rape them (as long as it keeps homosexuals away from angels). And if your son is “stubborn and rebellious,” you should let all of the men in your town stone him to death! And if your wife cheats on you, don’t take her to Maury — kill her and her lover! B’also? We get to have slaves again! In your face, Abraham Lincoln!

But let’s get back to Centi and Fortusky.

“‘I have a number of friends whom I adore’ who are gay, Centi told me. ‘I respect an individual’s right to live their life however they chose to do.’ She paused. ‘So I would expect the same courtesy.’ And there’s the rub.”

Where’s the rub? I mean, equivalencies don’t get much falser than that, do they? Rosemary respects the rights of gay people to live their lives however they want to — unless it involves her doing her job. And for that she wants respect?

“I was horrified to hear Gov. Cuomo react flippantly to Fotusky’s resignation. ‘This is the law,’ he said last week. ‘When you enforce the laws of the state, you don’t get to pick and choose. If you can’t enforce the law, then you shouldn’t be in that position.’”

That’s being flippant? Saying, “Shut up, you creepy, ignorant Bible-thumper” is flippant. Pointing out that local government officials are expected to obey all of our state’s laws (and not just the ones that Black Gay Jesus tells them to) is not only not flippant, but it’s embarrassing that the governor should feel it necessary to say it out loud. If a policeman belongs to a faith that is OK with stealing, is it cool for him to pick your pocket? What about a fireman who doesn’t want to extinguish a burning house because the couple who lives there have had premarital sex?

“Fotusky has learned, to her amazement, that she has no right to religious freedom in her home state. ‘I was struggling so much with making the decision’ whether to resign, she said. ‘It was a matter of conviction. And if you really believe, you have to act on it. As a Christian, I have to follow the word of God.’”

What an unbelievable crock of shit. She absolutely has religious freedom! She can believe whatever she wants to! How dare Mandrea imply that doing her job is too much to ask of her. This is like a devout Muslim entering Nathan’s International Hot Dog Eating Contest and then complaining that it’s against his religion to eat pork.

Actually, to be fair, gay marriage wasn’t legal when Fotusky assumed her position. But she did promise to uphold the law. And if she can’t do it — for any reason at all — then she needs to get a new gig. Case closed. Right, Mandrea?

“This is an outrage. All people — gay and straight, atheists and observers — have a moral duty to rise up and protest. This is about freedom. If we fail to protect those with whom we disagree, everyone’s liberty is at risk.”

Let’s take a close look at those last two sentences. First, this is about freedom, but it’s about the freedom of tax-paying homosexuals in Guilderland and Barker to be able to get married — which they are now legally able to do. They have the law on their side.

Secondly, it’s amazing to me that Peyser actually thinks that I should defend the rights of these women to be illegally discriminatory and demand that they get to keep their jobs. But she isn’t trying to win an argument; she’s trying to fire up her mouth-breathing base — the Cafeteria Christians who are adamant about homosexuality being a sin, but rarely let their kids be stoned to death for being stubborn.

In fact, I’d even go so far as to say that the truly “Christian thing to do” would be to protect homosexuals who want to be married from those who disagree with them — protect them from those who would deny them what is rightfully theirs.

Rosemary Centi and Laura Fotusky can freely justify their beliefs, but Andrea Peyser has absolutely no right to ask me to defend them. Especially since her husband is an alleged pedophile.

More to come…

I am beyond exhausted. I would very much like to go to sleep, but Teresa gets back tomorrow night and I have another rehearsal until 10:00 p.m. (not to mention another full day — at least — of proofreading). So, rather than put this off any longer, I’ll bite the bullet and sally forth.

Rod Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady) gets less than a third of today’s cover (Guilty! Now Blago away) after being found guilty of 17 of the 20 charges he faced. He faces up to 300 years in prison ($5 says he serves less than 10). Kudos to the fair and balanced Andy Soltis (author of the two-page follow-up, BYE-BYE TO BLABBIN’ BLAGO) for noting — in the opening sentence — that when Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady) ran for governor, “he enjoyed the support of an up-and-coming state senator named Barack Obama, who served as a senior campaign aide.”

Bonus Points: “[During the trial, Bluh-GOY-uh-vitch (nice lady)] apologized for all the cursing on the wiretaps. ‘When I hear myself swearing like that, I am a fucking jerk,’ he told jurors.”

So what’s more newsworthy than that (and therefore deserving of the rest of the front page today)?

CAN’T KEEP WEINER DOWN!

Rat wants to pick own successor

The accompanying text for this EXCLUSIVE story begins, “What nerve!” and the follow-up (WEINER HORNING IN ON SUCCESSOR RACE) begins, “His ego knows no bounds. In a dazzling display of arrogance, disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner is trying to insert himself back into politics — calling power brokers and would-be candidates for his old seat, hoping they’ll let him play a role in choosing his own successor.”

The Post’s source for this EXCLUSIVE? An “insider,” “another source” and “another insider” (who [allegedly] said, “[Weiner] would be loathe to see a Republican get into that seat. Loathe. That would just be awful to him. Awful, awful, awful.”).

So the guy whose constituents wanted him to stay in office wants to help find his replacement and the Post calls him a rat whose ego knows no bounds. And reveals that he wouldn’t enjoy seeing a political opponent replace him (unlike every other politician in the universe — and by unlike I mean like).

Bonus Points to authors Sally Goldenberg and Josh Margolin for saying Weiner “tried to position himself as a darling of the left… [by] regularly appearing on liberal news shows.” Like America Live with Megyn Kelly and The O’Reilly Factor on the extremely liberal Fox News Channel.

“More than one in six youngsters and teens in the United States are obese — up threefold from a generation ago, according to federal figures.”

And yet, Sarah Palin makes fun of Michelle Obama for her anti-obesity campaign and gets cheered for it?

What a country.

(-)

Department of Transportation Commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan explains why new street signs are being installed to help tourists find the Empire State Building, the Prospect Park Zoo and other attractions: “Our existing street signs are mostly for cars — we don’t really have adequate signage for pedestrians. These will help crack the code of navigating New York on foot.”

You know what else cracks that code? Smartphones and maps.

Jennifer Fermino’s MTA hike drives off motorists claims that toll hikes have caused the number of cars crossing MTA bridges and tunnels to drop by roughly 1,000,000. “Passenger-car crossings were down by 3.9 percent, while other vehicles, such as trucks and buses, declined by 6.6 percent.”

Fermino later notes that E-ZPass drivers “also aren’t flocking to MTA roadways. Those drivers inched up by a measly 0.5 percent.” Actually, an increase (however small) is proof that they are flocking to MTA roadways.

This is an awful newspaper. Awful, awful, awful.

Geoff Earle writes a puff piece on Sarah Palin 2.0 (I have the ‘right’ stuff: Bachmann) which fails to mention her John Wayne Gacy gaffe, her recent defense of her comment that the founding fathers fought tirelessly to end slavery, or the cease-and-desist letter that Tom Petty sent her after she played “American Girl” at a rally in Waterloo, Iowa.

But I’m sure all of that will be in tomorrow’s paper.

Hit road or no sex (credited to Dow Jones, which is either a typo or the result of cruel parents) reports that over 250 women in Barbacoas, Colombia have declared a “crossed legs strike” — they’re telling their significant others that they won’t have sex with them until they pave the town’s only access road.

A movie adaptation is already in the works. It will star the guy who played Ponch on CHiPs and his two brothers.

(Get it? Los Estradas? Lysistrata?)

(Well, Aristophanes would have laughed.)

Here’s a hot item (in its entirety) from Cindy Adams:

“Steven Spielberg thanked a colleague for staging a ‘bar mitzvah’ at Auschwitz whereupon they played his taped address at the concentration camp site.”

They probably chose the venue to save on catering.

(Get it? No one would want to eat on account of they’re standing on mass graves?)

(I wonder what the DJ charged.)

I wonder how much money she’ll get for her negligence. I’ll guess… $4,000,000.

“The Supreme Court struck down an Arizona law that provides additional public money to political candidates for state office who face big-spending opponents, ruling it violated free-speech rights.”

Congratulations, super-wealthy Americans! You win again!

Speaking of Arizona, 47 people in Europe have died from the latest outbreak of E. coli — one in Sweden and 46 in Germany. “An Arizona man recently in Germany died, but the link is unconfirmed.”

John McCain has already started blaming the man’s demise on illegal immigrants.

There are a lot of great excerpts from letters sent to the Post about gay marriage (Bayport’s MK Walsh writes, “Jesus wept.”; New Rochelle’s Sal Dye says, “Same-sex marriage is an oxymoron.”; Massapequa’s Lou Morello declares, “The passage of the gay-marriage law is yet one more nail in New York’s coffin.”), but Brooklyn’s D. Drepaul deserves to have his entire letter reprinted.

“While it’s at it, Albany should also take steps in banning ‘God Bless America.’ We can’t spit in God’s face and then expect his blessings.”

Black Gay Jesus wept.

The Vulcan Muppet goes on to accuse him of “scaring his fellow citizens with the imaginary boogeyman of ‘man-made climate change’” and that “the prophet of doom now wants everbody to save the planet by — wait for it — halting population growth. You heard that right: To save mother Gaia, it’s imperative that we kill ourselves as a species.”

In elementary school, I was told that the total population of Earth was roughly 4 billion. Today it’s roughly 6.5 billion.

Walsh saying Gore wants us to kill ourselves as a species is like a spoiled child screaming that his mother is trying to starve him to death because she won’t give him candy for breakfast.

You heard that right: To get his point across, it’s imperative that Walsh grossly exaggerate and/or lie.

“The US Supreme Court struck down a California law prohibiting sales of violent video games to minors, saying the ban is an unconstitutional infringement on speech rights.”

I’m tempted to spend ten years studying law in the hopes that that sentence will make sense to me. But I have a feeling that it still wouldn’t.

Linda 3Starsi reviews USA’s Necessary Roughness. She gives it…

…three stars.

G’night!

For the third consecutive day, golfer Rory McIlroy is on the cover. And for the third consecutive day, I don’t have any desire to find out why (he’s holding a trophy, so I’ll just assume he won the US Open).

The 25% of the cover that Rory isn’t on is devoted to MASSACRE: 4 slain in LI pharmacy rob; shooter escapes. Because when you really think about it, which is the more urgent news story? Some guy playing a good game of golf or a multiple murderer at large in Long Island?

Incidentally, it happened in Medford.

“Although the legislative session is technically over today [Gov.] Cuomo is expected to keep lawmakers in the Capitol until several bills have been decided.”

Will gay marriage be one of them?

[JEDITOR'S NOTE: I wanted to insert a picture of a fey person crossing their fingers, so I Googled "gay anticipation." There were a lot of men with penises in their backsides. I stopped looking. But, if you'd like, feel free to imagine a flamboyant homosexual with an anticipatory expression on his face and his fingers crossed.]

Weekend box office: The Hangover Part II ($10,071,339) knocked Kung Fu Panda 2 out of the top five, with X-Men: First Class ($11,933,524), Mr. Popper’s Penguins ($18,445,355), Super 8 ($21,472,020) and Green Lantern ($53,174,303) filling out the other slots.

Lorena Mongelli’s Riders rail at ‘petty’ subway tickets tells the sad story of Phillip Williams, 20, who got a $50 ticket for putting his feet on a seat on a J train. “I don’t understand why I should have to pay,“ he complained to the Post.

I’ll field this one. It’s because you got caught doing something that’s illegal. B’also? People would rather not sit down on whatever is on the bottom of your shoes, punk, so try not to do it again.

The article also features Jay Reisberg, 64, who was given a ticket for “walking through the cars on an F train as it was stopped in the Union Square station.”

1) I think Lorena means “walking between the cars,” as walking through them isn’t against the law.

2) I think Lorena needs a transit map. The F doesn’t stop in the Union Square station. It stops at 14th Street, yes, but on Sixth Avenue.

Otherwise, great job.

Someone tell Jon Glaser about this so he can sue them for stealing his “Rage Cage” idea.

“A New Jersey-based members-only club is offering its rich clients the unique opportunity to demolish anything they desire with whatever weapons they choose. Members of The Destruction Co. can take their frustrations out on anything from a laptop to a Lamborghini in the club’s secret warehouse or on an undisclosed rooftop.”

Other countries don’t hate us for our freedoms; they hate us because we use our freedoms to do shit like this.

Mayor Bloomberg’s mother died at the age of 102 in Medford. I wonder if she was in that pharmacy!

Oh, wait. She died in Medford, Massachusetts. Never mind.

It only gets a three-sentence article credited to NewsCore today (NBC caught off ‘God’), but I guarantee you at least two people (let’s say… Andrea Peyser and Michael Goodwin) will comment in the coming week.

“NBC yesterday offered an apology for omitting the words ‘under God’ from the Pledge of Allegiance during coverage of golf’s US Open.”

Did you see that, Bill O’Reilly? The War on Christmas has escalated to a war on God!

Any hot gossip, Cindy Adams?

“His Majesty Whateverhisname is who runs Oman and built its first Middle East opera house plans ‘The International Cultural Honors’ TV show.”

1) After eight seconds of looking, I learned that the head of state of Oman is Sultan Qaboos bin Said Al Said (which is also what Arabic Foghorn Leghorn says all the time).

2) There shouldn’t be a space between “Whateverhisname” and “is,” Cindy.

3) You shouldn’t be alive, Cindy.

Bonus Points: “Trouble in Paradise: Mr. & Mrs. Palin argued on their bus. He left and drove waythehell to Alaska alone.” I don’t think they were arguing — he probably just wanted to get home so he could fish and hunt and have sex with men.

Awww… her niece must be so touched that Auntie Mandrea is OK with her new gay marriage. Even if she probably still has a problem with the gay agenda.

I could only make it through the first sentence of Maxine Shen’s TV’s hottest ticket: Holy OJ! Viewers can’t get enough Casey.

“As perverse as it may sound, the Casey Anthony trial is the kind of news event that TV executives dream of.”

I went to The Creek and The Cave last night to see Dog Court compete in the semi-finals of The Arena (and to congratulate them on their slot in the 2011 Del Close Marathon) (and to eat delicious nachos).

Dog Court won.

After congratulations and drinks, I heading back to the G line to head home. It was just before 11:00, so I figured I’d be home by 11:45 at the absolute latest (the trip from my house to the venue took 20 minutes). I waited for a G for 10 minutes. When it arrived, an announcement informed us that the train would only go as far as the Bedford-Nostrand station (7 stops away, 10 stops before my house). When we got to Bedford-Nostrand, we were told to wait for another G which would take us to the Hoyt-Schermerhorn station (4 stops away, 6 stops before my house). And, 30 minutes later, that’s exactly what that G train did.

Once we arrived at the Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, we were told to take an A or C train to the Jay Street-Metrotech station and transfer to the F train. An A train showed up 20 minutes later. Once at Jay Street, it took another 20 minutes for an F train to get there. I looked at my phone when I finally opened my front door.

It was 12:54 a.m.

Bonus Points: There wasn’t a single sign posted at any of the various stations I spent time in.

I tell Cindy Adams to die a lot, but I am only 70% sincere.

I also say that I hate the MTA and wish everyone on their board would die a slow and miserable death a lot. And I mean every word.

I was so angry that I tweeted the following haiku:

Fuck the MTA.

Fuck them with a rusty spork

Until they are dead.

And, again, I mean every word.

I have two rehearsals tomorrow, but I will provide more substantial updates ASAP.

Happy Weekend!