Posts Tagged ‘Howard Stern’

Longtime reader Scott F. in California has sent me a YouTube clip of Cindy Adams’ recent appearance on TV. Do not watch if you have just eaten or are about to eat:

As someone who reads the Post every day, I recognize almost everything she says from her columns (though the fact that she [allegedly] wrote it herself doesn’t seem to help her deliver it competently). But it made me realize that I have never searched for any video clips of her before. So I looked on YouTube and found this:

It isn’t really a video, true, but it did introduce me to this:

Notice the part at the bottom: “The hilarious adventures of Mr. and Mrs.” Nice typesetting, MGM!

In case any of you were wondering what to get me for Christmas 2012, I really, really want Cindy Adams to die.

Ashton Kutcher claims he hadn’t heard about the Joe Paterno/Jerry Sandusky when he tweeted “How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste.”

Fun Fact: Paterno never coached the Hawkeyes.

The front page also includes a tweet from Eric Stangel in response to Kutcher’s: “All due respect, you’re a fucking idiot.”

Fun Fact: Eric Stangel didn’t write that tweet. Ohio resident Josh Hara did.

This is a terrible newspaper.

Kutcher has since turned over his Twitter account to his production company. “Up until today, I have posted virtually every one of my tweets on my own, but clearly the platform has become too big to be managed by a single individual… It seems that today that [sic] twitter [sic] has grown into a mass publishing platform, where ones [sic] tweets quickly become news that is broadcast around the world and misinformation becomes volatile fodder for critics,” he wrote on his blog.

Demi Moore is a very lucky woman.

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Occupy Wall Street gets coverage on most of page 3. Not the movement as a whole, mind you. Just “two booze-swilling grifters” who have allegedly “raked in as much as $200 a day at the Occupy Wall Street protest” in Zuccotti Park by claiming to be diabetic and in need of money for juice.

All day, all week, write about unimportant and distracting things!

All day, all week, write about unimportant and distracting things!

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Billy Crystal will host the Oscars this year.

When will the Academy stop pandering to the youth demographic?

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“An off-duty Brooklyn police officer was busted for driving drunk near Green-Wood Cemetery yesterday, cops said. Scherson Lotin, 33, was arrested after he got into an accident on 37th Street at about 12:15 p.m.”

He has been suspended for 30 days.

How about a zero tolerance policy for law-enforcement officials who break the law? Especially if their criminal behavior could result in the deaths of innocents. Please?

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“An East Harlem cop [Maribel Soriano] is under investigation for allegedly posting online grisly photos of an apparent suicide victim and videos of suspects handcuffed to chairs.”

At least she didn’t pepper-spray anyone. That I know of.

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“A remorseful Bronx woman [Angela Barksdale, 48] will spend the next 15 years in jail after pleading guilty yesterday to the February 2009 beating death of her 4-year-old grandson [Kevion Shand] because he had soiled his clothes.”

Angela has now replaced Avon as the most despicable person — fictional or real — with the last name Barksdale.

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Page Six is on pages 14 and 15 today.

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Cindy Adams’ column is all about bagels today. She concludes it by saying, “Although a bagel midweek is frowned upon, at the very instant I’m writing this, I am pleating one — with lettuce, tomato and mayo — into my mouth.”

Fun Fact: Today is Friday. Which means that she writes her column days (if not weeks) in advance.

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Steve Cuozzo’s op-ed Mike is blowing it: No leadership among Zuccotti mess complains about all of the business being lost by places like Milk Street Cafe because of the barricades the NYPD put up around them.

Fun Fact: The barricades were removed many days ago and Milk Street Cafe’s owner (Marc Epstein) recently told the Post that business is booming again.

Otherwise, great op-ed, Steve.

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Bill O’Reilly’s latest column begins, “The cult of celebrity has reached a new low. No, I’m not talking about Kim Kardashian making millions from her wedding and then dumping the groom less than three months later. We could have predicted that. What is even worse is that one of the late John Lennon’s body parts has sold for more than $31,000 at an auction.”

That someone bought one of John Lennon’s teeth is lower than Kim Kardashian’s fake wedding? Really, Bill?

“I just hope the Occupy Wall Street people don’t hear about this. They’re already down on capitalism, and the tooth transaction will not likely change their opinion.”

1) No, they aren’t.

2) You hope they don’t hear about it because it won’t change their opinion?

3) Shut up, Bill.

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Garett Sloane (aka Garrett Sloane aka Garret Sloane) reports that, under the terms of a new settlement with the Federal Trade Commission, “Facebook will need the express consent of users before changing their account settings, and users would have to opt-in to changes that affect their privacy settings.”

That’s all well and good, but how do I get rid of that annoying ticker?

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MOVIE REVIEWS!

Lou Lumenick gives zero stars to Jack and Jill (“[directed by Dennis Dugan] with all the skill of a blind parking lot attendant”), and three and a half stars to Melancholia (“one of the year’s most emotionally resonant art movies”).

Kyle Smith gives two stars to Immortals (“notable for its repetitive violence”), three and a half stars to Into the Abyss (“it does not escape being tendentious”), three stars to both London Boulevard (“vicious, spirited gangster drama”) and The Love We Make (“the documentary, arriving far too late, [doesn't] have much new to say about 9/11″), and zero stars to A Novel Romance (“Ick to the utmost. Squared.”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to The Conquest (mature themes) and three stars to Elite Squad: The Enemy Within (profanity, unrelenting violence).

Sara Stewart gives one and a half stars to The Greening of Whitney Brown (“our heroine is awfully shrill”).

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“Shock jock Howard Stern is in active negotiations to replace buzzer-master Piers Morgan on NBC’s top-rated variety show, America’s Got Talent, The Post has learned.”

Maybe now that farting prostitute will finally get her shot at stardom!

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The color-coded TV listings have once again been published in black and white.

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That’s Friday.

More to come…

Before I start on the Post, I’d like to share this: Gerard Depardieu Pees on a Plane (Not in the Bathroom). What is it with people peeing on airplanes? Is that the 2011 version of the Macarena?

In other news, Rep. Allen West (R-Fla.) explained (on The O’Reilly Factor, of course) that Democrats are plantation owners who treat Black voters as slaves. But don’t worry! He’s the modern-day Harriet Tubman.

Surprisingly, none of the media outlets that are linking to this clip are commenting on my favorite quote: “When you had unemployment in the Black community 16.3% in July and, uh, it dropped down to 15.9% for the month of August, uh, that’s not, uh, in the right direction.” Apparently, West wants more Black people to be unemployed, not, uh, less.

And if Republicans continue to use the word “Democrat” as an adjective, I’m going to stop using “Republican” as an adjective. I’ll use “GOP” (rhymes with cop) instead.

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I found this on Dangerous Minds (dangerousminds.net). It’s a compilation of all of the gay jokes from Friends.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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(in Columbo voice) Oh, uh, just one more thing…

Andy Dick called Howard Stern a “shallow, money-grubbing Jew.”

I am amazed that Andy Dick is still alive. Though I don’t think I’ll be amazed for much longer.

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One of today’s headlines is Real Housewives suicide. Sadly, it wasn’t any of the actual housewives — it was “Russell Armstrong, 47, the condescending and callous hubby of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Taylor Armstrong, 40.” The follow-up headline on page 7 is TV ‘REALITY’ BITES BACK: ‘Housewives’ hubby found hanged in LA.

Shouldn’t it be “found hanging”? “Found hanged” gives me the impression that someone else hung him… OMG! Maybe that’s what actually happened! I’m going to watch the next season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to find out!

(No, I won’t. My only Real Housewives guilty pleasure is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. For some reason, I can’t stop rubbernecking at the multi-car pile-up that is the Giudice family.)

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CANUCKLEHEAD OBAMA BUS-TED! is Geoff Earle’s scathing exposé of the bus that Obama is currently riding in — which was custom-built in Canada! That socialist bastard! The “story” (which takes up almost all of page 5) features a photo of the bus with an ‘O’ Canada bumper sticker Photoshopped in.

Boy, it makes me so sick that Obama would buy a Canadian-made bus. Although, it was actually the Secret Service who bought it. And they bought it from Hemphill Brothers Coach in Tennessee. And Kid Rock, David Lee Roth and Kenny Rogers have owned the same bus.

Still, Obama is a horrible person for riding in it and this is (further) proof that he doesn’t want to create American jobs.

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Rick Perry on Ben Bernanke: “If this guy prints more money between now and the election, I don’t know what y’all would do to him in Iowa, but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treacherous — or treasonous, in my opinion.”

Karl Rove told Fox News that Perry’s comment was “not ‘a presidential’ statement.”

I’m not sure if he’s referring to the “we’d beat that Jew up in Texas” statement or the “I define treason in a unique and incorrect way” statement, but it’s always nice to see Karl Rove disagree with the folks at Fox News.

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“Supreme Court Justice Bert Bunyan threw out a lawsuit by neighborhood groups opposed to the nearly mile-long [bike] lane that opened last summer on Prospect Park West.”

Does that mean I’ll stop reading about how the bike lane causes traffic jams (even though I have never seen any traffic on PPW and I live a block away from it)? Prolly not.

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“NYU shelled out $210,000 to settle an ex-library worker’s claims his boss repeatedly called him a monkey and a gorilla and taunted him with other racist slurs, federal authorities said yesterday. Osei Agyemang, who is Black and a native of Ghana, was also asked, ‘Do you want a banana?’ and told to ‘go back to the jungle.’”

You’d think that racists at NYU would be able to come up with more creative slurs. I mean, it’s NYU, not Swarthmore.

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Mayor Bloomberg continues to defend the “bird-magnet trash-transfer station that increases the danger of deadly plane crashes” at LaGuardia Airport. Says Bloomberg, “The FAA says this is ridiculous to think this is any hazard.”

This is not going to end well.

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“A Manhattan jury has awarded $9.1 million to a bicyclist whose leg was mangled in a horrific 2006 accident in Hell’s Kitchen. Cuman Cropper, 44, was knocked down by a cab and then dragged a third of a block by a city bus, causing permanent injuries to his leg and groin. The jury found the MTA 70 percent responsible for the accident, and the cab company 30 percent.”

The MTA strikes (and drags) again! Good thing they keep raising the cost of MetroCards or they wouldn’t be able to afford these multi-million-dollar payouts to the victims of their employees’ incompetence.

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“Deputy Inspector José Navarro, who was recently promoted from captain, was yanked from the 34th Precinct in Inwood/Washington Heights following a heated meeting with NYPD brass over the crime surge, police sources said. The department was so desperate to give him the heave-ho that he was replaced by a Bronx commander [Deputy Inspector Barry Buzzetti] who was disciplined in 2006 for viewing soft-core porn on his computer.”

New York’s finest.

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“Casey Anthony’s parents have agreed to give their first TV interview next month to Dr. Phil — in exchange for an undisclosed contribution to their foundation… this will be at least the third nonprofit set up by the Anthonys. The last one took 80 percent of its charitable donations for ‘administrative costs.’”

George and Cindy Anthony will have to work hard to become the most despicable members of their family, but they appear to be trying.

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Michael Goodwin refers to Transportation Commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan as Mayor Bloomberg’s “pet rock” and declares that abstinence is the best sex-education we can give our children (because it’s been really effective, right, Bristol Palin?). But the bulk of his column is devoted to President’s bus already out of gas.

“The magic is gone. Obama’s campaign team has bared its strategy: attack, attack, attack whomever the GOP nominates. Vote your fears, not your hopes.” Um… Michael? Have you noticed that none of the GOP’s current candidates have offered any actual strategies beyond “I’m not Obama”?

Goodwin goes on to repeat (part of) the Rick Perry quote I referenced above (about treating Ben Bernanke “pretty ugly”). “Stupid for sure. But let’s have perspective. Perry’s words are only self-destructive, unlike the wreckage of the Obama presidency.”

Michael Goodwin, ladies and germs.

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According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), Universal’s cancellation of Ron Howard’s Dark Tower trilogy is not the end of the project. Javier Bardem is still under contract and Howard is looking for independent financing.

I bet he finds it.

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Anything to say today, Cindy Adams?

“Note to Anthony Weiner: Great thing about your new unemployment is: The instant you get out of bed in the morning you’re on the job.”

Cindy? Stop fighting it. Please.

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“Sex predators, pedophiles, perverts and drug dealers will finally get yanked from behind the wheels of New York’s school buses.”

On the one hand, I’m glad that Gov. Cuomo signed this new law that “adds third-degree rape and a host of other offenses to the list” of crimes that prevent certain people from becoming school-bus drivers. On the other hand, why were sexual predators ever allowed to drive school buses?

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Remember Marvell Scott, 36? He used to be a sportscaster for WABC/Channel 7. Now he’s a sports-medicine doctor.

In 2008, he hired a prostitute from a pimp in Times Square and brought her to his apartment on 47th Street. She was 14 years old. “When the terrified child refused to have sex with him, he returned her downstairs to the pimp and demanded his money back, prosecutors alleged. But [the girl's 16-year-old friend] talked the kid into it by promising to go with her… ‘Defendant had sexual intercourse with the 14-year-old complainant on the bed in his bedroom while the other teen stood looking out the window in the same room,’ Justice Ronald Zweibel had written in a June 20 decision that referred to the prosecution allegations. By copping the plea, Scott… was able to avoid the original top charges of statutory rape and patronizing a prostitute.”

And what is the plea that Scott copped to (thanks to his attorney, Ben Brafman)? What is his punishment for admitting in court that he “acted in a manner likely to be injurious to the welfare of a child by inappropriately touching her”?

20 days of community service.

Congratulations, Marvell.

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Kyle Smith’s The Clockwork Riots: UK leaders deny the obvious includes this snarky passage: “What lesson have the country’s leaders learned from a days-long crime orgy? That it’s time to finally confront a torched civic culture by forming ranks, marching bravely up to the fire and feeding it with a bit more therapeutic welfare funding.” Yale graduate Smith would prefer that England starve its lower classes. After all, that’s what Ayn Rand would have wanted.

But my biggest problem is with Smith’s view of Stanley Kubrick’s version of A Clockwork Orange. “Kubrick discarded [Anthony] Burgess’ incongruous happy ending for the 1971 film, which ends with a cosmic shrug: Ultraviolence may be evil, but so is the justice system. So learn to live among thugs.” Which is not what I got from the ending at all. I took it to mean that science cannot change human nature. Or that it can until the human is severely beaten, at which point his brain reboots.

But a cosmic shrug? I didn’t get that. Maybe because I didn’t get an elitist education from an elite Ivy League school like Mr. Smith did.

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And that’s yesterday. Will I have time to get fully caught up before tonight’s rehearsal?

We’ll see…

Today’s lone cover story is JET FUEL: Sweet taste of $50M for Santonio, which features a full-page photo of Santonio Holmes chugging “a $215 bottle of Cristal” (he was celebrating the $50,000,000/5-year contract he signed with the New York Jets). We learn from the photo’s caption that Santonio tweeted, “Big bro showed loved today.”

Maybe the typo is Santonio’s, maybe it’s the Post’s. Either way, the fact that this is today’s cover story makes me sad.

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There are three stories on page 3.

From NY IN ‘SPLIT’ STORM by Jeremy Olshan: “While New York’s gay couples are lining up to get hitched, straight ones are increasingly untying the knot. Divorce filings are up 12 percent since the state last October adopted no-fault separations, which allows couples to split without having to prove why.”

1) How does one “prove why” they want to get a divorce?

2) Do you think there’s a correlation between the increase in gay marriages and the increase in heterosexual divorces? Most of the folks at the Post do!

Andy Soltis’ Tooth Fairy puts less money where your mouth is includes a small graphic of two teeth. The one with 2010 written on it has a price tag marked $3.00; the one marked 2011 has a price tag marked $2.40. But Soltis writes, “The traditional collector of kid’s [sic] cuspids is leaving an average of only $2.60 a tooth, compared with last year’s national average of $3, a new survey found.”

1) Which is it, Andy? $2.60 or $2.40?

2) The Tooth Fairy could not be reached for comment.

Jeane MacIntosh’s Hef’s mature and premature includes some choice quotes from Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancée, Crystal Harris, 25, from a recent interview she gave to Howard Stern.

“[The one time I had sex with Hugh Hefner] lasted like two seconds. Then I was just over it. I couldn’t even stay another couple days… I couldn’t do it. I was like, ‘Ahhh.’ I just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef, sorry… [Hefner] doesn’t really take his clothes off. I’ve never seen Hef naked.”

Hefner, 85, tweeted a response to Harris’ comments: “The sex with Crystal the first night was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights.”

MacIntosh later adds, “Hefner says he’ [sic] has moved on.”

It’s a shame that Hugh Hefner lived to see this.

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“Mayor Bloomberg yesterday defended the federal decision not to cover cancer-stricken 9/11 first responders under the $2.7 billion Zadroga Act.”

As frustrating as it was to read that, it pales in comparison to the editorial Ground Zero Sanity, which begins, “Finally, some common sense on the Ground Zero medical front.”

Which means that should something like 9/11 happen again, our policemen and firemen and EMTs will think twice before rushing into help us.

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S.A. Miller’s Raging Boehner (see what he did there) reports that John Boehner “ordered House Republicans to ‘get your ass in line’ behind his debt-limit plan — and they did.” Neat trick!

“The speaker said [on Laura Ingraham's radio show] he couldn’t understand why some conservative Republicans recoiled from his plan. ‘Barack Obama hates it, Harry Reid hates it, Nancy Pelosi hates it,’ he said.”

Miller leaves out the very next thing Boehner said: “Why any representative would want to be on the side of Barack Obama, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi [is] beyond me.”

This is why I roll my eyes every time Obama says he thinks compromise is possible.

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Over on page 8 is the Associated Press piece Pesci suit: I ‘Gotti’ $crewed, which claims that Joe Pesci filed a $3,000,000 lawsuit against Fiore Films yesterday. He claims that they offered him the money to play Angelo Ruggiero in their movie Gotti: Three Generations and, after he gained 30 pounds for the role, told him they changed their mind and would give him $1,000,000 to play someone else. Let’s see what the Internet Movie DataBase has to say.

Barry Levinson is directing it (!) and he wrote the screenplay with Leo Rossi (star of the 1989 Judd-Nelson-is-a-serial-killer home-video staple Relentless!) and James Toback (director of the documentary Tyson!). Joe Pesci is listed as playing Angelo Ruggiero, but the name of the movie is now GOTTI: In the Shadow of My Father. Al Pacino and Kelly Preston are also in the cast and it’s slated for release in 2013.

Why do I think Pesci’s lawsuit is going to be far more entertaining than the finished film?

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“A major water-main break turned a stretch of The Bronx into the Mississippi Delta yesterday as waist-high floodwaters submerged cars and sent panicked residents racing from their homes.”

“The 108-year-old pipe burst at around 6 a.m. beneath East 177th Street and Jerome Avenue in Mount Eden, creating a 60-foot crater in the middle of the road and unleashing a torrent that took more than three hours to contain.”

There are a lot of pipes under the city that are over 100 years old. This is going to happen again. And again. And again.

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Andrea Peyser’s B’klyn’s inferiority complex holds Tru begins “Brooklyn is for losers.”

Fun Fact: Mandrea lives in Brooklyn, as does her husband (the suspected child molester) and her child(ren).

And in She’s maid for the media, she criticizes Nafissatou Diallo for possibly ruining the DA’s chance of bringing Dominique Strauss-Kahn to justice by going to the media.

Fun Fact: Mandrea doesn’t mention how many times the Post accused Diallo of being a hooker.

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Hey, Cindy Adams! Tell us a gay marriage joke that has nothing to do with gay marriage!

“Due to new-style marriage, a survey states 41 percent of middle-aged men would wed someone out of desperation. The other 59 percent did.”

Thanks, Cindy!

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JonBenet Ramsey’s father, John, has remarried.

But he still hasn’t admitted to killing JonBenet.

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What is in the water in Marlboro, New Jersey? Resident Chris Michaels writes in to proclaim that “I cannot bring myself to sympathize with the demise of [Amy] Winehouse… I comfort myself knowing there’s one fewer bad seed around to influence our children.”

On the plus side, he almost used “sympathize” and “fewer” correctly!

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After learning that the American people consider the GOP to be more responsible for whatever happens after the debt ceiling isn’t raised, the Post decided to run RAATINGS RAT: This man controls US’s AAA grade about Standard & Poor’s executive David T. Beers, who they refer to as “the world’s most powerful credit-rating nerd” and explain that he’ll “ultimately decide if the US debt gets downgraded to AA — forcing Americans to pay more for almost any type of loan while possibly leading the stock markets lower.”

So don’t blame the GOP, folks — blame this nerd!

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Remember when I told you to buy stock in Dunkin’ Brands? In its first day of trading, the stock rose 47% to $27.85. I doubt it will hit $40 but if it does, sell.

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And that’s yesterday.

Teresa and I were planning on going to Coney Island today. And, weather permitting, we will.

But I’ll tackle today’s paper ASAP.

Happy Friday!

Fox News claims that their FoxNewsPolitics account on Twitter was hacked yesterday, and that the hackers were responsible for these tweets:

Fox News called the tweets “malicious” and “false” and apologized to their audience for getting their hopes up.

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Erin Calabrese and Josh Margolin’s Coney I. ’stall’ tactics get the flush begins, “Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe ended the rationing of toilet paper at Coney Island yesterday — admitting that The Post’s potty exposé left him flush with embarrassment.”

It just goes to show you that even the Upper-Decker of Journalism™ can effect positive change every now and then.

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“Men with index fingers that are shorter than their ring fingers on their right hands tend to be better endowed than those with longer right index fingers, according to a report in the Asian Journal of Andrology.”

I knew all of my former sexual partners were faking their dissatisfaction!

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Holy grave robbing, Batman!

Benjamin Novack had the world’s second-largest collection of Batman memorabilia when he was (allegedly) bludgeoned to death (with dumbbells!) in 2009 by his wife, former stripper Narcy Novack.

Narcy is now raising money for her defense by auctioning off her late husband’s collection of Batman stuff (including a copy of Detective Comics #27 — the first appearance of Batman).

WILL Narcy’s ill-gotten gains help her avoid the death penalty? Tune in tomorrow — same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!

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I knew this day would come.

Joey Chestnut, 27, won the Nathan’s International Hot Dog Eating Contest yesterday by eating 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes. But Takeru Kobayashi, the man who Chestnut unseated in 2007 (by eating 66 hot dogs to Kobayashi’s 63) — and who has been banned from the competition since 2009 over a contract dispute — had his own one-man hot dog eating contest where he ate 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes (which is one more than Joey Chestnut’s record of 68).

Joey Chestnut’s response: “That wasn’t a competition; that was just him eating. I’ve done 71 practicing by myself.”

Kobayashi’s response to Chestnut’s response: “I’m very happy about winning today… I’m the champion.”

The only way to settle this dispute is to allow Kobayashi to compete next year. But if he does compete against Chestnut and neither of them eats 71 or more hot dogs, I will be very angry.

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Relegated to page 9 is the EXCLUSIVE by Laura Italiano, DA SET TO DROP CHARGES vs. DSK, which cites anonymous sources (is there any other kind in the Post?) with saying that prosecutors will drop all charges against Dominique Strauss-Kahn “either on his next court date in two weeks or even sooner.”

Still no apology from the Post for all the mean things they’ve called DSK. Maybe it’ll be in tomorrow’s paper.

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Page Six (today on pages 10 and 11) reports that Howard Stern was moved to tears at a screening of The Help. Which means that the movie is either really touching or Howard Stern is a sissy.

Or both.

In an unrelated story, “Dina Lohan says she’s in talks to appear on Dancing With the Stars.” Which will make it easy for me to continue my streak of never watching it.

Also on Page Six is a brief mention of “Paris Hilton and her new love interest, Hangover director Todd Phillips.” So… they are actually dating? What a country.

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Here’s how much of Cindy Adams’ Here’s Boston for you I managed to get through:

“Philadelphia takes credit for July Fourth. It has the Liberty Bell. But don’t go there for a history lesson because the last time I went to Philly it was closed.”

Die.

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There’s a photo on page 19 that was taken by a black macaque in Sulawesi. The monkey took the camera from David J. Slater and took “hundreds of pictures” including this self-portrait:

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BREAKING NEWS: Casey Anthony has been found not guilty of all charges — except four misdemeanor counts.

There’s a really good chance that she won’t get a jail sentence.

Great job, Florida.

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Staten Island’s Gerald Jacobs (who seems to write to the Post every day) writes, “If the allegations made against DSK prove to be false, Mayor Bloomberg should issue an apology for false arrest and public humiliation.”

1) It wasn’t a false arrest. He was correctly arrested for charges that were later proven to (allegedly) be false.

2) What about the Post? Do they owe him an apology? After all, they’re responsible for a lot more of DSK’s public humiliation than Bloomberg.

3) Why do you even care, Gerald?

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As I wrote earlier, Derek Jeter was 0-for-4 in last night’s loss to Cleveland. So, naturally, Joel Sherman has written PROVING GROUNDS: Aging shortstop must reaffirm his value to Bombers. He notes that “Jeter is 37, cutting his hair microscopically short to mask its thinning, receding nature.”

Meanwhile, Jeter was voted into the lineup for this year’s All-Star Game.

B’also? Shut up, Joel.

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Best Bets lists Kevin Hart: I’m A Grown Little Man under SKETCH. They also provide a description of the special: “Kevin Hart performs his standup comedy routine.”

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Good night!

A friend just posted this on Facebook. I doubt the story will ever wind up in the Post.

And now, some more (almost entirely unnecessary) coverage of Anthony Weiner (warning: tired puns abound).

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WEINER’S RISE AND FALL is today’s headline.

RISE AND FALL has replaced BATTLE OF THE BULGE at the top of the follow-up pages (2, 3, 4, 5, 6 [not to be confused with Page Six, today on pages 24, 25 and 26], 7 and 8). The giant headline for Andy Soltis’ piece (divided between pages 2 and 3) is WEINER FINALLY YANKS HIMSELF (one of the three sub-headlines is Offers a limp apology to Huma). Soltis discusses Weiner’s press conference (the one he resigned at yesterday), noting, “Howard Stern staffer Benji Bronk shouted, ‘Are you fully erect?’ When others tried to stifle Bronk, he argued, ‘Don’t you want to know? I want to know.’ Then he tossed another question at Weiner, ‘Are you more than seven inches?’” Fascinating.

He also tells us that Huma Abedin was “conspicuously absent from the announcement, but three hours later the couple had dashed to Long Island, where she smiled as he sang along to canned music in a supermarket.”I wonder if this means that the folks at the Post will stop insisting their marriage is definitely over. [SPOILER: No, I don't; no, they won't.]

Soltis also quotes Ed Koch as saying that “[Weiner]’s toast for the next 10 to 15 years.” Koch continued, “It’s so nice to have visitors, Andy. Why don’t you take off your shoes and jacket for me?” Though I might have spelled that wrong.

But my favorite bit is how Soltis relates how Weiner shared his decision to resign with Rep. Steve Israel (D-LI): “Weiner reached Israel at a White House picnic, where members of Congress were feasting on burgers, fried chicken, grilled corn — and foot-long hot dogs.” See what he did there?

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Andrea Peyser’s Even friends won’t touch this ding-dong criticizes Abedin for having “steered clear of [Weiner] in his hour of need” (at the press conference) — thus robbing Mandrea of the chance to call her a doormat for attending (like she did to Silda Spitzer when she attended Eliot’s resignation).

“I miss Anthony Weiner. Or, at least, the idea of him… He wore his Jewishness with honor.” I didn’t make that up. She actually said that.

She concludes with “I liked Anthony Weiner. I was betrayed.” Just as I suspected — the real victim here, as always, is Andrea Peyser. B’also? If this is how she treats people she likes…

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S.A. Miller, Geoff Earle and Leonard Greene team up for a piece about how politicians’ reactions to Weiner’s departure has a “funereal feel.” The title? Beautiful mourning (“The political death of Anthony Weiner yesterday came complete with a legislative wake”). You can hear them giggling as they write, can’t you?

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Over on page 5, a dozen Post covers are reprinted so that people can go to nypost.com and vote on their “Favorite Weiner Page One.”

Will WEINER ROAST or WEINER EXPOSED or WEINER: I’LL STICK IT OUT or HIDE THE WEINER win? I look forward to never finding out!

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Jennifer Fermino and Emily Smith’s His sense of Huma returns on LI getaway (see what they did there?) discusses Weiner and Abedin’s trip to the King Kullen in Manorville “less than three hours” after his press conference.

“Most of the customers in the popular supermarket didn’t recognized the duo.”

Great work, ladies.

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Michael Goodwin chimes in with SO LONG WEINER, WHAT A ‘SORRY’ EXCUSE (the missing comma between LONG and WEINER is an especially nice touch). “A visitor from Mars easily could have mistaken yesterday’s resignation speech as a jaunty moment of triumph… He is dishonorable by every definition, yet refuses to accept that truth in his own head… Did he ever believe in anything other than his own career? If so, it died long ago, suffocated by the gamesmanship of his politics and the raw pathology revealed by his secret life on the Internet.”

So not only does he know what Martians think, but he also knows what’s going on in Weiner’s head (and that he hasn’t believed in anything for years).

Putz.

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Geoff Earle’s White House: Hot dog! provides more details about the Congressional picnic Rep. Israel was at when he got Weiner’s phone call. “‘There were footlong hot dogs, burgers, grilled corn, fries, cotton candy, pie and ice cream,’ said one insider.”

Earle also notes that since Nancy Pelosi and Israel were at the picnic when they found out about Weiner, they were “possibly munching on hot dogs.”

Great work, Geoff.

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I’d just like to point out that during roughly three weeks of coverage, no one at the Post referred to Weiner’s mistakes as a “boners,” despite the fact that “boner” can mean “erection” or “mistake.”

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Danielle Johnsen, 29, a science teacher at Notre Dame Academy in Staten Island (a Catholic school), has been charged with “sexual abuse and endangering the welfare of a child” (namely, a 16-year-old female student).

Gays can’t marry, but they can teach at Catholic schools and molest children. Duly noted.

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Here’s a photo from the riot in Vancouver on Wednesday night:

This would make a great movie poster (for what would almost certainly be a terrible movie).

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I felt bad for the woman who was slapped in Trader Joe’s (and whose attacker was found not guilty)… until I found out who her father is. Turns out Dr. Catherine London is the daughter of AIG’s Maurice “Hank” Greenberg.

She got off light.

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Page 12’s Drug cop faces lying rap is credited to Kirstan Conley. Is this a different person than Post writer Kristan Conley? Or are they both Kieran Crowley?

I smell a sitcom!

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Are the other judges on NBC’s The Voice angry that they get $75,000 per episode and Christina Aguilera gets $225,000 (all of their salaries combined)? Not to mention that Aguilera (allegedly) refuses to talk to the other judges during commercial breaks?

Sure, why not.

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Cindy Adams’ We’re all losing it is a cry for help.

She and her maid watered a fake orchid for four months before realizing it was fake. She has more eyeglasses than Bloomingdale’s (can people even buy eyeglasses at Bloomingdale’s?). She started boiling an egg and then forgot about it until her house filled with smoke.

Any day now… aaaaaaaaaaaaaany day now…

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MOVIE REVIEWS!

Lou Lumenick gives one and a half stars to both Green Lantern (“a relentlessly silly superhero flick with eyeball-rolling dialogue”) and Page One: A Year Inside the New York Times (“a carefully airbrushed and authorized portrait”), two stars to Battle for Brooklyn (“Not exactly inspiring.”), and one star to The Art of Getting By (“you’re always at least half an hour ahead of the plot”).

Kyle Smith gives three stars to Mr. Popper’s Penguins (“surprisingly touching”), and one and a half stars to Jig (“about as fascinating as watching the carousel rotation in your favorite microwave oven”).

V.A. Musetto gives three stars to R (profanity, violence), two and a half stars to Angel of Evil (sex, violence, gore, drug use), and two stars to Buck (mature themes).

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And that’s Friday. Sorry for the premature posting. I’ll try not to do it again.

Have a great weekend!