Posts Tagged ‘Manhattan’

We were swamped at work and I didn’t get a chance to catch my breath until well into the afternoon. Even if I hadn’t forgotten my lunch at home, I wouldn’t have been able to eat until 4:00 at the earliest. But by then I had gone beyond hunger. Ever been there? When you wait so long to eat that you no longer feel like eating? It’s like your hunger fed on itself until it disappeared.

So I decided that I wouldn’t run out and get something awful in the area (the deli around the corner makes a semi-competent egg sandwich; the owner of the deli two doors down is still mad at me because I refused to comp him a doctor’s appointment; the Chinese buffet next door makes Panda Express look like Shun Lee; the Burger King next door is a Burger King). Instead, I’d wait until we closed at 9:00, hightail it to Zito’s Sandwich Shoppe on 7th Avenue (in Brooklyn, not Manhattan) and get my new most favoritest sandwich ever: The 8-Hour Slow-Cooked Pork Bracciole.

It’s a butterflied loin of pork (from Faicco’s!) stuffed with provolone, garlic, parsley and a pinch of bread crumbs, covered in their deceptively simple tomato sauce, and sprinkled with parmigianno reggiano — all served on a perfect hero (from Brooklyn’s own Il Fornaretto Bakery!). It’s absolutely amazing.

Zito’s closes at 10:00, but I called them at around 8:00 and asked when they stopped taking orders. “10:00 p.m.” Perfect. If I left work at 9:00, I’d be between the Carroll Street station and the 4th Avenue and Ninth Street station (which is an area that gets great cell reception as it isn’t in a tunnel) by 9:45. I’d call in my order and arrive at Zito’s by 10:00 at the absolute latest.

I wasn’t hungry until around 8:30, but from the moment I devised my plan I could only think of that sandwich and how good it would taste when I ate it with my face.

A patient arrived at 8:15, so I started tidying and closing down what I could. He was on his way by 8:50 and I considered calling in my order and telling them that I’d be there in an hour. “Nah,” I thought. “No need. My plan is foolproof.”

Cut to 9:30, when we actually locked up.

I calmly walked to the R train, frantically doing math problems in my head (what if I get off the train just before 10 and call in the order and then get back on the train — would that work?). I didn’t see myself getting a sandwich. So I started considering the places near Zito’s that would still be open. Mediocre pizza, horrendous Mexican, Dunkin’ Donuts, Rite Aid… nothing really tickled my fancy. Then I heard the R train coming. I raced down the stairs and then raced up the other stairs (I hate you, Cortland Street station) and made it onto the Brooklyn-bound R. I looked at my watch phone. It was 9:35.

“Hmmm… I could get to Jay Street by 9:48… if there’s an F train there by 9:53, my plan will still work!”

I maneuvered through the train so that I was standing exactly where the entrance to the escalator at Jay Street would soon be. When we arrived at the station, I hurriedly climbed the escalator (it’s like walking fast on an airport treadmill except not fun and it makes me wheeze). In all the time I’ve made this commute, there has never been an F train waiting for me at Jay Street. Tonight, there was. At the doors closed as soon as I started down the steps toward it. A crazy person was loudly trying to seduce a morbidly obese station agent as she pretended to sweep the floor. It offered me no succor. I would arrive home sandwichless.

An F came about 10 minutes later. When we were finally out of the tunnel, I called Zito’s. It was 10:02.

“Zito’s, how can I help you?”

“He wants to help me!” I thought. “A place that wasn’t taking orders wouldn’t offer me assistance!” I tried to hide my giddyness from the dead-in-the-eyes commuters surrounding me. “Are you still taking orders?” I asked.

“Sorry, no. We’re no longer taking delivery orders. We stop at 10. Have a good night.”

***

But… but… what of his offer of help? What did he expect me to ask for that he would have been able to aid me with? “Would it be possible for me to not order a sandwich?” I was gutted. But then I had another thought. They aren’t taking delivery orders, but what of pick-ups? What of pick-ups? We were back underground, but I started to feverishly imagine various scenarios wherein I exit the subway and call and ask to make a pick-up order and am told, “Sure thing!” or that I arrive just as they’re about to throw away a pile of unclaimed but perfectly OK sandwiches or that I appeal to the kindness of Zito and he smiles and nods and hands me the sandwich that he had been saving for me all along.

[Full Disclosure: I don't think anyone who works at Zito's is named Zito.]

I started walking towards the shop and saw their sign was still illuminated. “That’s a good sign,” I thought. Then I thought about what a horrible pun that was and winced. I crossed the street and approached their door. As I did, I noticed people sitting and eating. Then, as I was about to reach for the knob (and feign surprise when I found it locked), someone opened it to take out the trash. I saw my opportunity and seized it.

The first employee who saw me wasn’t any of the three guys behind the counter. They all had their backs turned to me and were dealing with various closing duties. No, the one who immediately took notice of me was one of the cooks. He had a slight note of “you’ve got to be kidding me” on his face. I smiled weakly at him and waited by the register. Finally, someone turned around and asked if he could help me.

“Can I get a sandwich to go?”

He looked at the cook, then at his register, then at me — all while wearing a mask of “please notice that I am trying to make it clear that you cannot.”

I would accept a “no,” but he would have to say it to me. I wouldn’t say it to myself. At this point I was getting deliriously hungry.

“…OK,” he surrendered. The cook rolled his eyes. I didn’t care.

I sat down to wait. I could hear various people saying, “I told him not to take out the trash yet” and “lock the damn door” and “we’re supposed to be closed by now” and “what is wrong with him?” I went from fearing that I cost someone their job to wondering if the last remark was directed at me to not caring about anything except bracciole. In fact, I started imaging the man getting killed by his co-workers for unknowingly letting me in and, at his peasant funeral, a rockslide wiping his entire family out. I imagined everyone at Zito’s pointing and laughing at me for being so pathetic that I needed to swindle my way into a meal. None of it mattered to me. I just wanted my dinner.

After what seemed like two minutes (but might have been three), I was handed my sandwich. I profusely thanked the man who handed it to me. Then I profusely thanked the man who unlocked the door to let me out. I almost started to cry.

It took me another 25 minutes to get home, but I didn’t care. As soon as I walked in the front door, I washed my hands, ripped open the foil and paper casing and did unspeakable, inhuman things to my first real meal of the day (the semi-competent egg sandwich I ate at 8:00 a.m. doesn’t count).

You know what? This would be a terrible movie.

We closed early today, so I went to Target to see if I could find Teresa a nice treat. Memo to self: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN (especially on December 24th but also, ever).

So I went down 5th Avenue (in Brooklyn, not Manhattan), got some Chinese take-out and have settled into bed for an old-school Christmas like I used to have when I was single:

(Teresa is at our friend’s Christmas party but the MTA and my job are not conducive to my raging in Williamsburg tonight)

I didn’t make a holiday wage at my not-in-a-Seattle-movie-theater job (which I actually enjoy), but other than that this song feels especially appropriate.

Also, I drank vodka all day and wound up naked in front of the patients.

Happy Holidays!

This is the cover in the Post’s cover archives:

But the one I got has a much darker picture:

It also has a thumb.

Yes, the NYPD raided Zuccotti Park (a few hours after I left my clinic’s grand opening) and evicted everyone that was there. Here’s some video that was shot in front of my clinic:

There are a lot of other videos, but most of them are shaky and/or have bad sound (that’s what happens when Mayor Bloomberg doesn’t let professional journalists and news crews in to do their jobs). Lots of screaming, lots of protesters being punched, thrown to the ground, bloodied… but the Post devotes almost all of pages 4 and 5 to Breasts, but no bust, for Zuccotti Pk. gal’s naked aggression. Laura Cavanaugh’s photo alone takes up more than half of page 5:

(The caption is 99% NUDE: A cop locks his eyes forward yesterday as an Occupy Wall Street protester bares her, um, grievances in Zuccotti Park.)

“Despite the fact that it is against the law in New York City to expose your genitals — an act punishable by summons or arrest — NYPD officers completely ignored the woman — instead focusing only on gawkers who stopped to take photos, ordering them to move along.” Even the police recognized that this was a non-story, but it still gets more coverage than last night’s raid.

B’also? The Post names Bill Csapos, 57, a disabled construction worker from Tennessee, first as an “organizer” of OWS and then as “the leader.”

And Erik Kriss’ slim article next to the photo of the naked lady (DA lets Albany ralliers slide) begins, “State Police are making good on Gov. Cuomo’s vow to arrest Occupy Albany protesters who defy the curfew at a state park at the Capitol, but the district attorney is refusing to prosecute the cases.” And who is that DA again? “David Soares, the ultra-liberal Democrat whose campaign for office was bankrolled by lefty billionaire George Soros.” It’s important to know that George Soros funded Soares’ campaign because Soros is evil because he’s very rich and uses his money to help politicians he agrees with. Not like those nice Koch Brothers, who the Post has never written (and will never write) an unkind word about.

Patti LaBelle is being sued by a neighbor [Roseanna Monk] who claims that the singer shouted profanities at her so loudly that it frightened her 18-month-old “so badly she suffered ‘personality changes, sleep disorder’ and ‘increased fear of strangers’… [Her daughter] was crying so hard she vomited, Monk said.”

[insert joke about LaBelle "wigging out"]

Jerry Sandusky’s attorney, 63-year-old Joe Amendola, “was the attorney on Mary Iavasile’s emancipation petition filed Sept. 3, 1996, just weeks before her 17th birthday… That’s approximately when Iavasile became pregnant with Amendola’s child.”

The prosecution rests.

The MTA is claiming that their brilliant plan to remove garbage cans from a handful of subway stations is a success.

“‘So far we are not seeing a greater amount of trash [left behind],’ said New York City Transit President Thomas Prendergast… ‘The number of bags that we generate [for removal] is down about a third.”

So there’s only two-thirds as much garbage in stations that have no garbage cans. Only the MTA could call that a success.

In a somewhat related story, there have been 200% more rapes and 300% more burglaries on subways in 2011 than there were in 2010.

Keep up the incredibly shoddy work, guys.

Page Six (today on pages 20 and 21) refers to Michael Moore as “the ‘1-percent filmmaker’ who’s under scrutiny for owning a lavish lakefront home in Michigan and a Park Avenue pad.”

What does Moore’s net worth have to do with the argument he’s making? In fact, wouldn’t a person demanding higher taxes on the wealthy be considered more noble if he was wealthy?

This is a terrible newspaper.

More MTA news!

Nancy Shevell “skipped the boring old MTA committee meeting yesterday after a weekend of globetrotting with hubby Paul McCartney.”

Why is she still on the MTA’s board? Does anyone know? Is it because the rest of the board cares just as little as she does?

Over on page 36, Geoff Earle reports (in an article smaller than the Sudoku puzzle next to it) that Sharon Bialek’s ex-boyfriend (Dr. Victor Zuckerman) has come forward to corroborate her claim that she was sexually harassed by Herman Cain.

In a related story, Carl Campanile reports that Cain told GQ magazine that “A manly man don’t want [a pizza] piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.”

Cain is becoming the kind of candidate that most people would like to throw a beer at.

Rich Lowry’s ‘Lazy’ Isn’t America’s Problem begins, “President Obama was wrong to say at the Asia-Pacific economic summit that America has gotten ‘lazy’ in the last few decades at attracting foreign investment.”

That sentence is full of words. Rick Perry? Can you translate it for me?

“That’s what our president thinks wrong [sic] with America? That Americans are lazy? That’s pathetic.” So says the governor of Texas. But is that really what Obama said? I’ll let Lawrence O’Donnell take it from here.

Why do I have a hunch that most of the people who read the Post (and watch Fox) will come away from articles like this one thinking that Obama called them lazy?

The editorial Time’s Up, Children applauds Bloomberg’s raid last night, calling it “a long-overdue fumigation of the festering mess at Zuccotti Park.” It further justifies the mass eviction with “Threats to disrupt rush-hour subway service appeared on fliers around Lower Manhattan. Just who was responsible for them wasn’t clear…”

…but kudos to Bloomberg for assuming it was a credible threat and that it was made by Occupy Wall Street.

“But the fact is that no right — the First Amendment included — is absolute.”

Unless it’s the right to bear arms.

The PULSE section features a three-page piece on what the best new toys are this season and who you should buy them for. For example, Ugly Ted is a teddy bear “so ugly that he’s actually adorable. And so is his message — to teach kids to treat others with love and respect, no matter who they are or how they look.” And who does author Wendy Straker Hauser recommend you buy Ugly Ted for?

“BUDDING POLITICIANS.”

And that’s Tuesday.

More to come…

The man on the cover dragging the protester out of Rep. Bob Turner’s swearing in (at an auditorium in Queens) is Kevin Hiltunen.

Kevin is an ex-Marine and a former NYPD officer. The Post has dubbed him “New York’s newest hero.”

In the 16th paragraph (of 19) of the follow-up on page 5, we learn that “Hiltunen was a member of the NYPD from February 1994 until June 2009, when he retired in good standing on a disability caused by an accident.”

I wonder what kind of disability he has. It must be a very painful disability — see him wince as he drags a grown man with just one arm. I bet it was a psychological disability.

Some hero.

Weekend Box Office:

J. Edgar opened in 5th place ($11,217,324), Tower Heist dropped from 2nd to 4th place in its second week ($12,773,765), Puss in Boots fell from 1st to 3rd in its second week ($24,726,193), Jack and Jill opened in 2nd ($25,003,575) and Immortals premiered in 1st ($32,206,425).

And on 51st place is 11-11-11, which opened on 11/11/11 on 17 screens and made $32,771 over the weekend.

Scott Olsen was released from the Oakland hospital he has been in since police put him there on October 25th. That information is at the end of Ore-gone! Riot cops force out protesters, which reveals that Portland’s Mayor Sam Adams ordered one of Occupy Portland’s two camps shut down on Saturday at midnight, “citing unhealthy conditions and the encampment’s attraction of drug users and thieves.”

In July of this year, Adams announced that he won’t seek a second term as mayor. He reportedly cited the city’s unhealthy conditions and attraction of drug users and thieves.

OMG! ‘ASS’ HAUL! I just got the headline!

Hahahahahahahaha!

Ass haul. Heh.

Bob Fredericks’ Mansion puts Moore in 1% begins, “He may dress like a slob and claim to speak for working stiffs — but here’s the luxurious home that proves left-winger Michael Moore is a lot closer to the 1 percent than the other 99.”

See, Moore has a $2 million home on Torch Lake in Michigan, which Fredericks notes “has a decided lack of diversity — with whites making up 98 percent of residents.”

Does this make Moore a hypocrite? Nope. Does this mean we should ignore anything (or everything) that he says regarding the Occupy movements? Nope. Will the Post continue to pretend that the answer to those two questions is “yes”? Yes.

“During a GOP presidential debate last week, [Herman] Cain said he didn’t think waterboarding was torture, and Michele Bachmann called it ‘very effective.’”

At one point, each of these idiots was the frontrunner (and may yet be again).

I love the opening sentence of Jeane MacIntosh’s Biebs no ‘pop’ star, says ‘dad’.

“Justin Bieber is just too well mannered to be anyone’s baby daddy, his one-time fill-in father insists.”

If Jeane had hyphenated “well mannered,” it would have been perfect.

“The bipartisan ’supercommittee’ — charged with finding $1.2 trillion in deficit reductions by Thanksgiving — is so deadlocked it will consider eliminating the very penalties that were supposed to force members to do their job in the first place.”

I don’t understand why Congress’ 9% approval rating is so high.

Page Six is on pages 12 and 13 today.

Cindy Adams reports that Jim Gaffigan was introduced to Ricky Gervais at the Beacon Theater. “Wearing sneakers, Gaffigan said: ‘They have laces. Laces are fascists.’ Ricky broke up. Me, I didn’t understand what the hell was funny.”

The joke was funny, Cindy. What isn’t funny is that you continue to haunt this plane of existence.

In The ‘demon’ in ‘demonstrators,‘ Andrea Peyser writes, “A fatal shooting blasted through Occupy Oakland.” Even though it didn’t.

But she spends most of her page ranting about te Brooklyn Museum’s decision to house the exhibit “HIDE/SEEK.” You may remember the name from the last round of angry articles the Post published when it was at the National Portrait Gallery at the Smithsonian last year and later at the New Museum in Manhattan.

The problem is that one of the pieces (“A Fire in My Belly” by the late David Wojnarowicz) features images of ants crawling on a crucifix. Naturally, Mandrea uses the Brooklyn Museum’s decision to showcase art that she doesn’t like to declare that “The War on Christianity is getting uglier.”

That reminds me! It’s almost time for this shrew to start complaining about the War on Christmas! Hooray!

“The judge who freed alleged Penn State kid-sex fiend Jerry Sandusky on bail — with no strings attached — is a volunteer with the charity Sandusky mined for victims, it was reported last night… Pennsylvania district Judge Leslie Dutchcot ignored prosecutors’ request for $500,000 bail — and an electronic ankle bracelet — for Sandusky, instead freeing him on $100,000.” Dutchcot also “ordered that Sandusky ‘pay nothing unless he failed to show up for a court hearing.’”

Anyone think that Dutchcot will face any kind of consequences for her immoral (if not illegal) actions?

Me neither.

Michael Kane interviews Stan Lee for the @work section’s DREAM JOB column. Kane credits Lee with creating “Spider-Man, the Hulk, Thor, Daredevil, Doctor Strange and all of the Fantastic Four.” Lee later declares, “I created Spider-Man.”

Songwriters who can’t sing need people to sing their songs. Screenwriters who can’t direct (and/or produce) need people to turn their scripts into films. And comic-bok writers who can’t draw (like Stan Lee) wouldn’t have created a damn thing if not for the artistic brilliance of Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko and Don Heck (among others).

Pompous ass.

In 2011, the Indianapolis Colts have played 10 regular-season games. I have played none. We have the same number of wins (they’re 0-10 and I’m 0-0).

Linda 3Starsi reviews National Geographic Channel’s new reality series Knights of Mayhem.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Monday.

I have to sleep now (I have to get up made early for work, yo).

Four and a half posts in one day? Not too shabby.

Have a great weekend!

Ashton Kutcher claims he hadn’t heard about the Joe Paterno/Jerry Sandusky when he tweeted “How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste.”

Fun Fact: Paterno never coached the Hawkeyes.

The front page also includes a tweet from Eric Stangel in response to Kutcher’s: “All due respect, you’re a fucking idiot.”

Fun Fact: Eric Stangel didn’t write that tweet. Ohio resident Josh Hara did.

This is a terrible newspaper.

Kutcher has since turned over his Twitter account to his production company. “Up until today, I have posted virtually every one of my tweets on my own, but clearly the platform has become too big to be managed by a single individual… It seems that today that [sic] twitter [sic] has grown into a mass publishing platform, where ones [sic] tweets quickly become news that is broadcast around the world and misinformation becomes volatile fodder for critics,” he wrote on his blog.

Demi Moore is a very lucky woman.

Occupy Wall Street gets coverage on most of page 3. Not the movement as a whole, mind you. Just “two booze-swilling grifters” who have allegedly “raked in as much as $200 a day at the Occupy Wall Street protest” in Zuccotti Park by claiming to be diabetic and in need of money for juice.

All day, all week, write about unimportant and distracting things!

All day, all week, write about unimportant and distracting things!

Billy Crystal will host the Oscars this year.

When will the Academy stop pandering to the youth demographic?

“An off-duty Brooklyn police officer was busted for driving drunk near Green-Wood Cemetery yesterday, cops said. Scherson Lotin, 33, was arrested after he got into an accident on 37th Street at about 12:15 p.m.”

He has been suspended for 30 days.

How about a zero tolerance policy for law-enforcement officials who break the law? Especially if their criminal behavior could result in the deaths of innocents. Please?

“An East Harlem cop [Maribel Soriano] is under investigation for allegedly posting online grisly photos of an apparent suicide victim and videos of suspects handcuffed to chairs.”

At least she didn’t pepper-spray anyone. That I know of.

“A remorseful Bronx woman [Angela Barksdale, 48] will spend the next 15 years in jail after pleading guilty yesterday to the February 2009 beating death of her 4-year-old grandson [Kevion Shand] because he had soiled his clothes.”

Angela has now replaced Avon as the most despicable person — fictional or real — with the last name Barksdale.

Page Six is on pages 14 and 15 today.

Cindy Adams’ column is all about bagels today. She concludes it by saying, “Although a bagel midweek is frowned upon, at the very instant I’m writing this, I am pleating one — with lettuce, tomato and mayo — into my mouth.”

Fun Fact: Today is Friday. Which means that she writes her column days (if not weeks) in advance.

Steve Cuozzo’s op-ed Mike is blowing it: No leadership among Zuccotti mess complains about all of the business being lost by places like Milk Street Cafe because of the barricades the NYPD put up around them.

Fun Fact: The barricades were removed many days ago and Milk Street Cafe’s owner (Marc Epstein) recently told the Post that business is booming again.

Otherwise, great op-ed, Steve.

Bill O’Reilly’s latest column begins, “The cult of celebrity has reached a new low. No, I’m not talking about Kim Kardashian making millions from her wedding and then dumping the groom less than three months later. We could have predicted that. What is even worse is that one of the late John Lennon’s body parts has sold for more than $31,000 at an auction.”

That someone bought one of John Lennon’s teeth is lower than Kim Kardashian’s fake wedding? Really, Bill?

“I just hope the Occupy Wall Street people don’t hear about this. They’re already down on capitalism, and the tooth transaction will not likely change their opinion.”

1) No, they aren’t.

2) You hope they don’t hear about it because it won’t change their opinion?

3) Shut up, Bill.

Garett Sloane (aka Garrett Sloane aka Garret Sloane) reports that, under the terms of a new settlement with the Federal Trade Commission, “Facebook will need the express consent of users before changing their account settings, and users would have to opt-in to changes that affect their privacy settings.”

That’s all well and good, but how do I get rid of that annoying ticker?

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Lou Lumenick gives zero stars to Jack and Jill (“[directed by Dennis Dugan] with all the skill of a blind parking lot attendant”), and three and a half stars to Melancholia (“one of the year’s most emotionally resonant art movies”).

Kyle Smith gives two stars to Immortals (“notable for its repetitive violence”), three and a half stars to Into the Abyss (“it does not escape being tendentious”), three stars to both London Boulevard (“vicious, spirited gangster drama”) and The Love We Make (“the documentary, arriving far too late, [doesn't] have much new to say about 9/11″), and zero stars to A Novel Romance (“Ick to the utmost. Squared.”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to The Conquest (mature themes) and three stars to Elite Squad: The Enemy Within (profanity, unrelenting violence).

Sara Stewart gives one and a half stars to The Greening of Whitney Brown (“our heroine is awfully shrill”).

“Shock jock Howard Stern is in active negotiations to replace buzzer-master Piers Morgan on NBC’s top-rated variety show, America’s Got Talent, The Post has learned.”

Maybe now that farting prostitute will finally get her shot at stardom!

The color-coded TV listings have once again been published in black and white.

That’s Friday.

More to come…

Attorney Richard Katz is suing the Setai Club and Spa Wall Street “for reneging on its promise of a ‘complimentary full breakfast’ with his $5,000 annual membership fees.”

“‘They had a full restaurant menu like you get in a hotel — omelets, pancakes, waffles, yogurts, meats, juices,’ he said. ‘Whatever you wanted.’ But, after the restaurant closed for a month this past August, he said, the spa started serving just a cold buffet on the roof deck. Eventually, the club let him quit and gave him a prorated refund of his fees. But he said he told them: ‘It’s just not that easy.’”

Katz is suing for $730,000.

If this was England, Katz would have to pay Setai’s legal bill after he loses his frivolous lawsuit. But it isn’t, so he won’t.

“More than a half-million health-insurance policy holders are in line for a combined $114.5 million in refunds for overcharges last year by 11 companies, Gov. Cuomo said yesterday. New York law requires insurers to spend at least 82 cents of every dollar on medical care, or refund the difference.”

Of course, those same insurers were granted an enormous rate hike for 2012 (just like the one they were granted for 2011), so this probably won’t even feel this penalty. But we will.

Since I’m writing this on 11/18/11, a lot of the stories have become outdated. That’s why I won’t bring up the kidnapping of Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos in Venezuela (he has already been rescued) or Rick Perry’s spectacular brainfart at the 11/09 debate (though I will share this sentence from Geoff Earle and S.A. Miller: “But then co-moderator John Harwood asked weather [sic] Perry really couldn’t remember the third agency he planned to abolish.” and this sentence from Herman Cain which the audience applauded: “The American people deserve better than someone being tried in the court of public opinion.” I applauded, too, but only because I thought he was announcing that he was dropping out of the race.).

I will also skip over the numerous women coming forward with claims of being sexually harassed by Herman Cain (there’s a full page just on Karen Kraushaar today).

Andrea Peyser lashes out at “oldtimer columnist Jimmy Breslin” for writing something about Occupy Wall Street that didn’t accuse every participant of being a rapist and/or a trustifarian.

Fun Fact: Mandrea is also an oldtimer columnist.

Page Six is on pages 12 and 13 today.

You cannot park & $lide: No more tix break for waiving trial, the EXCLUSIVE by Sally Goldenberg, reports “The city Department of Finance is axing a program that offers reduced parking-ticket fines for motorists who agree not to fight their summons in court… Finance Commissioner David Frankel said scrapping the program as of Jan. 30 could save the city roughly $50 million a year.”

Or it will cost the city additional money because more people will contest their tickets, requiring more police officers to spend hours in court. I guess we’ll find out in a few months.

Cindy Adams writes (or dictates to a horrified assistant): “The Kremlin warned the White House not to launch airstrikes against Iran. ‘Not to worry,’ Obama people told Putin people. ‘We’ve consulted Enron advisers and instead of bombing Iran, we’re thinking of shredding them.’”

Get. In. The. Box.

“A Manhattan jury says it can’t agree on a felony-assault verdict for a muscle-bound electrician [Oscar Fuller] who allegedly punched a woman [Lana Rosas] into a coma during an argument over an East Village parking spot earlier this year.”

The American justice system is irreparably broken.

John Podhoretz’s Deadly ‘Oops’ That Doomed Rick Perry calls Perry’s verbal misstep “the most embarrassing single televised minute any important American politician has ever inflicted upon himself.” Johnny sure does love his hyperbole.

I will also be limiting my coverage of the Post’s coverage of Occupy Wall Street (at least until I’m caught up). But it’s worth noting that the editorial Occupy a Place of Honor references “the self-obsessed slackers of Occupy Wall Street” and chastises them for not honoring the veterans on Veterans Day (which hadn’t yet occurred when the editorial was written). They are also refers to as “always obnoxious” and pretentious.

Fun Fact: A large number of veterans — including Oakland’s Scott Olsen — are members of the various Occupy movements across the country.

If the Post truly wanted to honor our nation’s veterans, they would have stopped insulting them for 24 hours. But they don’t.

Milford, Connecticut’s Paul Izzo writes in to say, “[Andy] Rooney, more than President Obama and Nancy Pelosi, did a great deal to make America despise the self-indulgent ‘me, me, me’ whining of liberals. Rooney was a talentless, liberal drone with nothing to say. Good riddance.”

Wow.

Kyle Smith’s Hollywood’s Beloved F-Word comes to Brett Ratner’s defense. Smith contends that Ratner’s “rehearsal is for fags” comment is not nearly as bad as a character in Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris referring to “Republican Tea Party crypto-fascist airhead zombies.”

Wow.

And that’s the rest of Thursday.

More to come…

The two pages of follow-up (GOONS OCCUPY BRAWL STREET) tell the story of a “deranged homeless man” going “on a violent, early-morning rampage yesterday.”

“The only thing that could stop Jeremy Clinch from his Godzilla-like rampage was a left hook delivered by a paranoid fellow protester who claimed to be an ex-Turkish diplomat — and charged that his assailant was carrying out a plot hatched by Mayor Bloomberg.”

“It was just the type of increasingly violent incident that has downtown residents — already bombarded by megaphones, incessant drumming, graffiti and public urination — feeling on edge as the OWS takeover of Zuccotti Park enters its third month.”

Isn’t it amazing that Kevin Fasick (or KEVINFASICK as the byline reads) was there at just the right time to videotape the fight (it’s on the Post’s Web site)? Saki Knafo thinks not. Read his rebuttal here.

Todd Venezia, Danny Gold and Carl Campanile join forces to write Mama’s boys on the rise, which begins, “Forget about ‘Go west, young man’ — today the battle cry for the younger generation is ‘Move back in with Mama!’”

“The epidemic of mama’s boys has struck both New York City and the country as a whole, as the terrible economy and massive unemployment have forced grown men back into their childhood bedrooms.”

I blame gay marriage.

Andy Soltis finally gets around to reporting on Occupy Oakland — can you guess what he focuses on? The headline offers a strong hint: Pressure cooker pops in Oakland. It begins, “More than 80 Occupy Oakland protesters were arrested yesterday after a peaceful rally turned into a violent postmidnight [sic] clash between police and masked, fire-setting, concrete-tossing vandals.”

“Hundreds of police officers flooded the area, two blocks from an Occupy encampment and fired tear-gas and deafening ‘flash bang’ grenades.”

The 16th paragraph (of 19): “Police were almost invisible during most of Wednesday as crowds of up to 7,000 people marched and rallied in what was described as a general strike.”

Thanks for the condescending acknowledgement, Andy!

Kevin Fasick is back (with Bob Fredericks) for more anti-OWS fun on page 7 with SACHS AND SEX ADD TO INSANITY.

“It’s gone from simple chaos to sheer madness. The violence and depravity continued to mount at the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, as cops busted 16 people for blocking the entrance to Goldman Sachs and an Alabama woman came forward to report another sick sex attack at Zuccotti Park.”

If you are a woman who say someone sexually harassed you in Zuccotti Park, the Post will champion you. But if you say you were sexually harassed by Herman Cain, you’re a liar and proof that liberals are racists.

Speaking of which…

“[Cain's chief of staff Mark] Block said he wants to ‘move on’ with the campaign, adding, ‘Let’s get over these things that don’t mean anything to the American public.”

“Cain kept up his defiant stance yesterday in a Daily Caller interview with Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. ‘That is the DC culture: guilty until proven innocent,’ Cain vented.”

Cain, who says he refuses to play the race card (despite insisting that all opposition to his 9-9-9 plan and all accusations of sexual harassment are based in racism), decided to sit down for an interview with the wife of Clarence Thomas — who called his confirmation hearings “a high-tech lynching for uppity Blacks.” Let’s watch Thomas say that in an ad for Herman Cain (who refuses to play the race card):

91-year-old Coney Island Bialys and Bagels was going to go out of business, but it was saved by… “Muslim businessmen Peerzada Shah and Zafaryab Ali.”

Muslims? Running a kosher bagelry? Now I’ve seen everything!

“LA Dr. Gregg Homer has conjured up a new procedure that uses a laser to permanently change brown eyes into blue ones — and has even started testing on human subjects.”

He said he got the idea from Josef Mengele.

“A brave Brooklyn woman stared down the man who allegedly raped her, as the alleged attacker, acting as his own lawyer, sat in court at his rape trial yesterday. Adam Wright is charged with raping the woman in the elevator room on the roof of her Canarsie apartment building in 2002 — when she was 12 years old… The woman testified for the prosecution yesterday and is expected to face Wright’s cross-examination today.”

There ought to be a law against that.

“Country singer Keith Urban said yesterday he’ll undergo throat surgery to remove a polyp on his vocal chords.”

That’s what he’s telling people but, really, he just needs a break from constantly denying that his wife’s plastic surgery is horrible.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), “Richie Sambora last night confirmed that he and Denise Richards have rekindled their romance.”

I wish them both the best during the next two to four months.

Today, Cindy Adams complains about holidays and hotels.

“Why’s a hanger clamped in? Who ever stole a hanger? That’s like locking a toilet. You know anyone ever stole a piece of poop?” Die.

“I’m hearing more holidays may be coming down: In 1930, Herbert Hoover stubbed his toe, shouted ‘Dam’ and they built one. Shouldn’t that be remembered? People ran for tickets when Powerball lottery hit more than $200 mil, although winning chances were 80 million-to-1. Same odds as Jennifer Lopez giving birth to Richard Simmons’ love child. Shouldn’t such a moment be enshrined?”

Four people are credited with GIVING UP THE ‘BIEBY’: ‘Justin’ vixen mulled adoption. They could have really used a fifth.

“‘She didn’t know if she was going to keep him,’ Samra Fae Stepper told The Post at her Fredericksburg, Va., home… ‘We kept asking about the father, but I didn’t press it,’ said Stepper, whose brother Anthony Simeonoff is Yeater’s stepdad.”

Fascinating.

There’s yet still more OWS-bashing from Rich Lowry on page 31 (It’ll Only Get Uglier: ‘Occupy’ primed for violence).

“It’s become clear during the past few weeks that there is a lawlessness at the heart of Occupy Wall Street. It has created little ungoverned spaces in cities around the country, into which homeless people, addicts and criminals have flowed.”

“Mere protests probably won’t satisfy the movement, though. It is a self-styled ‘occupation,’ which inherently involves taking what is not yours. It’s already ugly and will probably get more so.”

Actually, the movement is about taking back what was stolen from us. But we’ve established that you only write about current events — you rarely understand them.

And the rest of page 31 is devoted to Charles C.W. Cooke’s In New York, the Enablers Wake Up.

“There’s increasing concern that the authorities have made a rod for their own backs. ‘Are we seriously suggesting that if a jihadist or neo-Nazi group moved in, they’d have been indulged like this?’ one [community] board member asked pointedly.”

Occupy Wall Street ≠ jihadists. Occupy Wall Street ≠ neo-Nazis. And what the Hell does “made a rod for their own backs” mean?

The editorial Call the Cops, Mike is also about “the very real possibility that even greater OWS violence… will soon bubble up here.” But the Post offers a completely rational solution: “Send in the NYPD to lance the Zuccotti Park boil. Before it’s too late.”

Don’t mince words. Tell us how you really feel, terrible newspaper.

Manhattan’s Vivian Riffelmacher writes, “It’s time to send in the troops to clear out Tiananmen Square — I mean Zuccotti Park. We believe in freedom of speech and all that stuff, but protesters should never be such a nuisance.”

Um… Vivian? If Zuccotti Park is Tiananmen Square, does that mean the NYPD are anti-democracy?

Crude oil is back up to $94.07/barrel.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives three and a half stars to Tower Heist (“cunningly engineered”), three stars to Killing Bono (“a charming admixture [sic] of Goodfellas and Almost Famous“), and two and a half stars to Pianomania (“an enticing but flawed character study”).

Lou Lumenick gives one star to The Son of No One (“a laughable police melodrama… ineptly written and directed”), and three stars to both A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (“there are moments of brilliance”) and The Last Rites of Joe May (“Dennis Farina gives one of the best performances of the year”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to Young Goethe in Love (sex, violence) and three stars to Charlotte Rampling: The Look (nudity).

Linda 3Starsi reviews Logo’s Bad Sex.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Friday.

This shirt is being sold in Walmart. In children’s sizes.

It says “NOTHING SAYS ‘I love you’ QUITE LIKE FISTING.”

And while it is technically true, I still think it’s inappropriate for children.

“Time’s up: The Zuccotti Park vagabonds have had their say — and trashed lower Manhattan — for long enough. They need to go. Be it voluntarily — by packing their tents and heading off in an orderly fashion. Or by having the NYPD step in — and evict them… But go they must: Their lease on Zuccotti Park has expired. And it’s their own fault. What began as a credible protest against bank bailouts, crony capitalism and the like has, in large measure, been hijacked by crazies and criminals.”

1) When did the Post ever refer to Occupy Wall Street as a credible protest? From the start, this terrible newspaper has ridiculed the protesters as dirty, stupid and/or wealthy Brooklynites (“trustifarians”) who think they’re being cool and/or alleviating the guilt they have for being wealthy.

2) The Post still hasn’t mentioned the numerous reports of the NYPD directing crazies and criminals to Zuccotti Park.

“No one has greater respect for the First Amendment than this paper.”

“And we certainly respect the right of Brookfield Properties, owner of the park, to permit the protests. But there comes a time when enough is enough… Sure, we understand the pressure the company’s been under — including, most shamefully, from cynical New York pols looking to cozy up to the heavily out-of-towner-based group, local radicals, and their manipulators in the labor unions seeking to capitalize on the ‘occupation.’”

“Brookfield wasn’t speaking yesterday. But surely, it wants the nightmare to end — even if it’s too frightened to say so.”

I like that the Post feels they can (surely) speak for Brookfield Properties.

B’also, am I right in thinking that the Post wouldn’t mind the protesters as much if they weren’t out-of-towners? If they were born-and-raised New Yorkers?

“Added the mayor, ‘Other people have rights, too, and I am very concerned about the other peoples’ rights, as well as those of the protesters.’ Spot on.”

Spot on? I can guarantee you that the person who wrote that wasn’t born anywhere in America, let alone New York.

“If they choose not to leave — which they probably won’t — then Bloomberg needs to instruct the NYPD to clean the mess up. Today wouldn’t be a day too soon.”

And that’s just the cover story. Pages 4 and 5 feature OTHER 99% FIRES BACK: Raging shop owners claim OWS scares away customers. In it, a jeweler blames the fact that his October sales in 2010 were double what they were this year entirely on OWS. It also contains this: “[Mayor Bloomberg] ordered cops to clear hundreds of metal barriers from Wall and Broad streets, and bluntly told the motley masses that their unruly antics were making life miserable for the people who live and work in the neighborhood. This isn’t an occupation of Wall Street. It’s an occupation of a growing, vibrant residential neighborhood in lower Manhattan, and it’s really hurting small businesses and families,’ Bloomberg fumed.”

I work across the street from Zuccotti Park. It is not a residential neighborhood.

“The complaints came a day after Marc Epstein, owner of the Milk Street Cafe on Wall Street, revealed that he was forced to lay off 21 workers after his business had plunged 30 percent since the protest began Sept. 17. After the barricades were removed, Epstein saw a ray of hope. ‘We’re so busy here — we haven’t been as busy as this in seven weeks,’ he said.”

But… but… the protesters are still in Zuccotti Park! How is it possible that Epstein’s business… unless… maybe the barricades that the NYPD put up were the real reason his business was down?

Bonus Points: Occupy Oakland — and the general strike they called for and got — gets the final sentence of the article — all nine words of it. “In Oakland, demonstrators shut down the city’s busy port.” Now that’s good journalism!

(this picture ran in The New York Times, who actually did some reporting on the strike)

“Tonye Iketubosin, 26, of Crown Heights, Brooklyn — who’s been working at the [OWS] protesters’ makeshift kitchen at Zuccotti Park since last month — was charged yesterday with sexual abuse in the groping an [sic] 18-year-old protester in the tent he helped her pitch on Oct. 24… The [victim] told cops about the pervy protester Tuesday night, telling officials she knew the man by sight… [Iketubosin] was apprehended soon afterward.”

But this must be the exception to the rule, as the Post continues to claim that the protesters refuse to tell the police about criminal activity in the park.

“Federal airport screeners find four or five handguns in people’s luggage every day, the head of the Transportation Security Administration revealed yesterday.”

Since we all know that the TSA finds only a fraction of the weapons people try to smuggle on planes, this makes me sad and afraid.

Fun Fact: The head of the TSA is… John Pistole.

Remember Lana Rosas? Maybe you remember her as Lana Rosa (the Post has a real problem with getting people’s names right)? She was punched by Oscar Fuller –over a parking spot on East 14th Street — so hard that she collapsed onto the pavement.

“The blow to the back of Rosas’ head caused so much swelling, doctors needed to remove a piece of skull from her forehead to relieve the pressure, according to testimony.”

The Post ran this photo of Rosas today:

And here’s the caption: “Lana Rosas, outside court yesterday, wears a helmet because part of her skull is being stored in her abdomen while she awaits reconstructive surgery.”

As for Mr. Fuller, his attorney announced yesterday that he is no loner pleading self-defense. “Instead, he will argue in closings slated for tomorrow that Fuller couldn’t have foreseen that his single punch would cause such a serious injury.”

Good luck with that, Oscar.

Pages 8 and 9 contain three stories. Each story is accompanied by SKANK #1, SKANK #2 or SKANK #3 in giant type.

SKANK #1 is Lindsay Lohan. ‘Jailed’ star nixed by nuns explains that Lindsay was sentenced to 30 days in jail yesterday and that nuns refused to let her perform her community service at their shelter (the Good Shepherd Center for Homeless Women) because they thought “she would be a bad example” t0 the women they serve.

Ha.

After her 30 days in jail (which I doubt will last more than 3 days), she’ll do another 424 hours of community service at the Los Angeles morgue. Well, she’ll be ordered to do it anyway.

SKANK #2 is Kim Kardashian. Kim’s ex: Gimme the rock reports that Kris Humphries wants the $2,000,000 engagement ring he gave to her back.

I don’t care either, but here are some things about the article that made me laugh:

1) The Post thought that most people wouldn’t know who the headline referred to if they went with Kris: Gimme the rock.

2) “‘It’d be the classy thing to return it, but she wouldn’t be out of form not [giving it back],’ said Daniel Post Senning, great-great-grandson of etiquette guru Emily Post.” I like to think that if Emily Post was still alive and the Post called her to comment on any aspect of Kim Kardashian’s wedding, she would yell “Eat a dick!” into the telephone and hang up.

3) “Kardashian said she didn’t want to undergo marriage counseling because ‘you have to listen to your intuition, and follow your heart.’” Also, E! passed on Kim & Kris: In Counselin’!

SKANK #3 is Mariah Yeater. BIEBER’S BABY BIMBO BLABBING reports that Yeater wants $12,000/month in child support from Justin Bieber. Candace Amos and Dan Mangan also report that Bieber’s reps called Yeater’s claims “‘malicious, defamatory and demonstrably false.’ [Bieber's] fanatical follower, meanwhile, used much more colorful language on Twitter.” He only has one follower on Twitter?

“As it turns out, because Bieber was — and remains — younger than California’s age of consent, Yeater’s claim of having sex with him when he was just 16 and she was 19 leaves her open to prosecution for statutory rape.” Don’t worry. After the DNA test, the DA will have no case against her.

Bonus Points: I looked in Google Images under “skank new york post” hoping to find the graphic they used for the “SKANK” headers. This was the first image that came up:

Page Six (today on pages 10 and 11) reports that Christine Quinn told a story about her grandmother yesterday at an event. Her grandmother was a passenger on the Titanic when it crashed. “When the boat was going down, most of the Catholics dropped to their knees and prayed, but my grandmother ran for it. She was one of the few survivors. She spoke to a priest about her guilt over it. He told her not to worry, because God knew she had figured out that you could run and pray at the same time.”

I look forward to voting for her.

According to S.A. Miller’s Third ’strike’ for Cain: New accuser surfaces — as he blames Perry, a third woman has come forward to say that Herman Cain sexually harassed her in the 1990s. But Herman Cain still refuses to discuss the allegations.

“[Cain] snapped at reporters hounding him in Washington. ‘Don’t even bother asking me all of these other questions that you are all curious about,’ he warned. When questions persisted, he barked: ‘What did I say? Excuse me. Excuse me!… What part of ‘no’ don’t people understand?’”

That’s what she said (to him when he was sexually harassing her)!

Andrea Peyser describes Lindsay Lohan as the “walking, breathing, drinking, drugging, obscene human train wreck” and “the product of scumbag dad Michael and trailer-trash mom Dina.” She also discusses Lindsay’s “sad, little sister, the actress Ali, whose dramatic, recent weight loss can’t be helping her career, her health or her looks. Have a sandwich, Ali, and forget about yourself.”

She goes on to say that Sautner “hinted that she could throw Lindsay in the slammer for 270 days.” Another warning? Surely this one will scare Lindsay straight, right? Right?

But the highlight of her page is Cain we give it a rest, already? (see what she did there?)

“This is what Herman Cain is not accused of doing: 1. Touching someone uninvited. 2. Propositioning a lady not his wife. 3. Making raunchy jokes or, heck, telepathically broadcasting them.”

Two pages earlier, S.A. Miller wrote: “The new allegations closely resembled the others: That Cain made sexually suggestive comments or gestures while president of the National Restaurant Association.”

But back to Mandrea. “Question: What’s more threatening to liberal rule than a black, conservative Republican presidential front-runner? Answer: Candidate Barack Obama.” Didn’t you hear, Ms. Peyser? He’s President Barack Obama now.

Boy, if it turns out that Cain really did harass those women (or worse), I hope Peyser issues an apology. And that her husband stays away from unattended children.

Cindy Adams relays something her “friend” allegedly said.

“My mother-in-law cooked Thanksgiving last year. I actually said grace over grease. It was gross.”

Get in grave.

“An Alabama auto dealer has been forced to fork over $7.5 million for calling a rival’s business ‘Taliban Toyota.’ The slander judgment was spurred by workers at Bob Tyler Toyota telling customers that nearby Eastern Shore Toyota, owned by an Iranian immigrant, gave money to Islamic militants.”

I did a little more research (as this is all the Post has on the story) and in addition to accusing him of being a member of the Taliban, manager Fred Kenner accused the Iranian immigrant (Shawn Esfahani) of being an Iraqi.

$20 says he also refers to Obama as a Nazi.

George J. Marlin’s op-ed Hang Tough, Andrew begins: “The radical leftist Working Families Party is pushing the old hippies and young narcissists of Occupy Wall Street to champion one of its pet issues.” Marlin later explains that Gov. Cuomo “must answer John Kennedy’s ‘call to responsibility,’ defined in Profiles in Courage as choosing the right side of an issue over the popular side.”

Marlin is referring to the expiration of the Millionaires Surcharge Tax.

Marlin believes that ignoring the majority of his constituents and allowing millionaires to pay less in taxes — despite our state’s deficit growing beyond Cuomo’s predictions — would be courageous.

Yeah, that’d be right up there with ending segregation and allowing women to vote.

Frank J. Fleming asks “Are we too sissy for freedom anymore?”

The answer is “everyone should stop reading Frank J. Fleming.”

Linda 3Starsi reviews AMC’s Hell on Wheels.

“Hell on Wheels is not a perfect show — there are too many missteps.”

She gives it… three stars.

And that’s Thursday.

More to come…

“District attorneys in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and Staten Island have dismissed tips that cops in their areas are involved in the ticket-fixing scandal — despite The Bronx DA’s indictment of as many as 500 as many as 400 16 on felony charges. Politically, ‘no one wants to touch it,’ a source said.”

(from the follow-up on page 7) “The elected DAs also have to worry about the political fallout of declaring war on the NYPD in cop-friendly boroughs. ‘They don’t want to shoot themselves in the foot,’ said a law-enforcement source. ‘[Bronx DA Robert] Johnson shot himself in the foot. His already-abysmal conviction rate will get even lower.”

So the police plan on doing sloppier work — and letting more criminals go unpunished and/or purposely botch cases that are brought before a judge? Isn’t there a (great many) law(s) against doing that?

“Germany’s mountain of national debt has been declared $78 billion lower because of a bad calculation by a mortgage lender.”

Silly Germany. Don’t they know that debt is never the fault of the mortgage lenders? It’s those Spendocrats in Washington!

Yesterday’s 1.2 inches of snowfall from a “freak killer wintery storm” broke the New York record for October (since 1925, it was 0.8 inches). In the last 135 years, we’d had snow in October just four times (including yesterday).

“More than half a million were without power in New Jersey — including Gov. Chris Christie.”

Christie reportedly panicked and ate his family and house.

Tim Perone’s Herman surges in Iowa reports that “Herman Cain’s surprising climb to the top of the Republican presidential field continues as a significant new poll released last night has him leading the pack in the all-important state of Iowa.” The article also mentions Mitt Romney (who got 22% to Cain’s 23%), Michele Bachmann (who “embarrassingly fell 14 points from the August straw poll, which she won”) and Rick Perry (who “was in fifth place with 7 percent”).

Not mentioned? Ron Paul, who won two separate tallies for the National Federation of Republican Assemblies Presidential Straw Poll — one of them with 82% of the vote.

“A dozen Americans were among 17 people killed in a suicide bomb attack in Kabul yesterday that underscores Afghanistan’s instability as the United States and other nations withdraw troops.”

Actually, what the deaths underscore is that we aren’t withdrawing quickly enough.

Michael Goodwin complains that Hillary Clinton gloated and laughed about Moammar Khadafy’s death on a video, “saying, ‘We came, we saw, he died.’ Now imagine the outrage if a Republican behaved that way.’”

You mean like when Mike Huckabee said, “Welcome to Hell, bin Laden” after his death?

Or how the GOP’s most influential member (Rush Limbaugh) responded to Khadafy’s death (“Barry did it!  Barry did it again!  He killed another bad guy. Barry did it!  Now, Hillary is over there, and she might want to take credit for pulling the trigger, but Barry did it, folks.  Mubarak gone.  Ali Velshi or whatever of Tunisia gone, Bin Laden gone, Khadafy gone, Barry did it!  The Drive-Bys are having orgasms.  We’ve never had this competent a foreign policy president ever.  Why, this guy, Barry, has done what eight presidents starting with Nixon couldn’t do.  Reagan tried it. Nixon tried it.  Every president since Nixon tried to get rid of Khadafy, but Barry did it.”)?

Goodwin also has a lot to say about Occupy Wall Street (‘Lord of Flies’ in Zuccotti Park).

“Their invasion is costing downtown Manhattan businesses and residents a boatload of money. But watching the Occupy Wall Street vagabonds bang their heads against the laws of human nature — that’s priceless!”

“In fact, the problems the protesters face are almost enough for me to hope the police don’t break up the party. The Lord of the Flies descent from utopia to petty power struggles, in front of TV cameras, is a political-science lesson, not to mention deliciously ironic. Running a protest movement apparently involves a lot of dirty work and isn’t so much fun. Imagine how hard it is to run the world!” OK, so Goodwin is an asshole. We’ve known this for some time. But wait — it gets better.

“A radical group called the Alliance for Global Justice is legally sponsoring the protest… Its Web site says the group sponsors operations in the Gaza Strip, with Hamas, and boasts of an alliance with Anarchists Against the Wall, which contests Israel’s security barrier in the West Bank. The group suggests it has a relationship with Iran, supported the Sandinista revolution in Nicaragua and expresses solidarity with Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez against the United States.” So if you support OWS, the terrorists win.

“On the campaign trail, [Obama] often invokes the phrase ‘We can’t wait’ for Congress to act. The Global Justice site links to a group called The World Can’t Wait that has the latest information on the occupations. Hmmmm.” OMG! Obama is also a terrorist! And so is the band Nu Shooz!

Page Six is on pages 10 and 11 today.

“Cops in Indianapolis are searching for a guy who broke into a day-care center, found the children’s bathing suits, and tried on several before strolling through the building in a two-piece pink bikini.”

Andrea Peyser’s husband, Mark Phillips, has neither confirmed nor denied his guilt.

Fishermen found a three-eyed fish in a reservoir near a nuclear power plant in Cordoba, Argentina.

Not quite as adorable as The Simpsons led me to believe it would be.

Susannah Cahalan’s MEET THE WORST FAMILY ON EARTH: A glimpse inside the heartless, miserable, greedy and vain world of the Madoffs (also featured on today’s cover) features photos and bios of what we can only assume are the five worst Madoffs: Bernie, Ruth, Andrew, Mark and Stephanie.

And how is Stephanie heartless, miserable, greedy and/or vain?

“Mark Madoff’s second and last wife had met with a divorce lawyer and changed her last name — two things that made Mark even more despondent. Andrew blames Stephanie for ‘taking a bad situation and making it worse.’”

What a bitch.

Southern Peru was hit with a magnitude-6.9 earthquake yesterday.

Thus disproving global warming climate change.

Kate Hudson’s father Bill Hudson’s new book (Two Versions: The Other Side of Fame and Family) “portrays his ex-wife [Goldie Hawn] as a cocaine-sniffing sexpot who loved European men and referred to herself in the third person.”

That still doesn’t explain why Kate Hudson married that old hippie… or does it?

More Occupy Wall Street coverage on page 23!

ZUCCOTTI PERV: Fiend attacks protester in her tent reports that “A sex fiend barged into a woman’s tent and sexually assaulted her at around 6 a.m., said protesters, who chased him from the park. ‘Pervert! Pervert! Get the fuck out!’ said vigilante Occupiers, who never bothered to call the cops.”

A woman “who called herself Leslie, but refused to give her real name” (allegedly) told the Post that “weeks earlier another woman was raped. ‘We don’t tell anyone,’ she said. ‘We handle it internally. I said too much already.’” Sounds like she’s afraid of her fellow Occupiers.

Not mentioned in the Post is this:

Hey! Sam was right!

GET A GRIPE!: No matter how hard it tries, New York can’t outlaw being annoying is Kyle Smith’s latest smug and hateful attack on people who didn’t go to Yale and don’t believe what he does.

On his list of things the city should do to improve (his) life is to “cool it on the Christmas culture and dial back expectations so the kiddies won’t bleed us dry.” He’s waging a War on Christmas! Tell Mandrea and Bill O’Reilly!

B’also? Kyle doesn’t have any kids because he’s against gay adoption. So I’m not sure how he expects to get bled dry. Though I hope he does.

Today’s context-less Harris poll asks “Republican voters” the following: “If you were voting in a primary today, who would you vote for?”

Herman Cain placed 2nd with 20%, Mitt Romney placed 3rd with 17% and Rick Perry came in 4th with 11%. The other candidates all got single-digit support (Newt Gingrich — 7%, Ron Paul and Michele Bachmann — 4%, Rick Santorum and Jon Huntsman — 1%).

So who came in 1st with 32%? Not sure.

I wonder who his running mate will be.

From Peggy Noonan’s While Rep. Ryan rises: “Occupy Wall Street makes an economic critique that echoes the president’s, though more bluntly: the rich are bad, down with the elites. It’s all ad hoc, more poetry slam than platform. Too bad it’s not serious in it’s substance.”

She goes on to lavish praise on Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin). “I don’t think his role in the current has been fully recognized. He is doing something unique in national politics. He thinks. He studies. He reads. Then he comes forward to speak, calmly and at some length, about what he believes to be true.”

And what he believes to be true is what Ayn Rand believed to be true (before she collected Social Security and Medicare benefits). B’also? Ryan has his constituents arrested for asking him questions.

Brooklyn’s David Podesta writes in to object to Obama’s new college-loan plan. “I couldn’t pony up the money to put my own kids through college. I’ll be damned if I want to pay for someone else’s kids to be educated.”

USA! USA! USA!

Michael Riedel’s NIGHTMARE ON 39TH STREET includes a photo of the author “drenched in fear and an unknown liquid” and this: “I got drenched, and was forced to put my hand in places that gave me pause. I was also forced to put something in my mouth that you won’t find on the menu at Orso.”

He gives it four stars.

ASK ASHLEY!

Last weekend my soon-to-be ex-husband called asking for sex to see if there’s anything still there. I’ve moved on so my answer was no. Now he is threatening to stall the divorce. How do I get him to move along and also calm my current boyfriend who is aware of what’s going on? — Thrown for a loop, Manhattan

ASHLEY: “If someone wants to see if there is ‘anything still there,’ they shouldn’t jump right into sex, especially after being separated!”

ME: “Have sex with him and shit the bed in the middle of it.”

I eloped with my husband six years ago after knowing each other for three months. We faced a lot of judgment from our friends and family. We have now hit a rough spot in our marriage. We’re in counseling and it’s going well, but whenever I bring it up with a girlfriend of mine I get the same eye-rolling looks I got back then. She actually said, “That’s what happens when you marry a guy you don’t even know” in front of a group of people. We’ve been married six almost-always happy years. How do I let her know firmly but nicely that she’s being mean? — Anna, Park Slope

ASHLEY: “A friend should voice her opinion once, but then move on. Frankly, she is acting like a moron.”

ME: “By telling her. Frankly, you are acting like a moron.”

And that’s Sunday.

More to come…

I hate the MTA.

On Saturday night, I braved the sleet and winds to get from my warm and cozy home to the UCB for Let’s Have A Ball. I took the same route I always do — the F to Jay Street-Metrotech where I switch to an A or C (if an A comes first, I get out at 14th Street and wait for a C or E to 23rd Street; if a C comes first, I take it all the way to 23rd).

Due to the weather I expected delays, but I always give myself plenty of time to get to the UCB (I prefer to arrive early and read over racing against the clock and giving myself an ulcer). When we arrived at Jay Street, the recorded announcement told me to “transfer here for the A, C and R train.” So I did.

An A showed up 10 minutes later and announced that it would be traveling on the F line until 4th Street. That made me sad (I got off an F Train 10 minutes ago — I would have taken it to 4th Street and switched to a C or E there had I known the A — and I assumed the C, as well — was becoming an F train), but I still had plenty of time and an Onion crossword to do.

When we got to 4th Street, the conductor said, “Next stop: 14th Street.” But I noticed we were still on the F line despite the previous announcement that said we’d be back on the A line from 4th Street on. The weather being what it was, I didn’t want to have to walk from 23rd Street and 6th Avenue to 26th Street and 8th Avenue. So I got off and raced upstairs to wait for a C or E. An E finally showed up and I got on. Ten minutes went by before the conductor announce, “This train isn’t going anywhere. If you want to go to 34th Street, go downstairs.”

A mob of already-frustrated straphangers raced downstairs only to find an empty platform. Eventually, an E arrived (on the F line) and I got on. After ten minutes, the conductor explained that there had been “an incident” at 59th Street and there was no service on the A, C and E lines. Five minutes later, we started moving.

I got to 23rd Street and 6th Avenue at 7:15. I called the UCB and asked them to let Becky and Kay know that I would be there ASAP and to hold the curtain until I got there (we were the only three performers because everyone else was out of town and Brandon’s plane to NYC was cancelled that morning). I was told (in a very polite way) that I didn’t have the authority to hold the curtain but they’d suggest it to the theater manager. If it wasn’t sleeting and if there wasn’t three inches of slush on the ground, I would’ve had no problem getting to the theater by 7:25. But it was (and there was), so I hurriedly slid into hordes of umbrella-toting pedestrians staring at the ground (instead of watching where they were going) until I got to the theater at 7:28. No curtain holding was necessary.

The show was fun and I was smart enough to pick up some empanadas for the journey home (I had to wait 25 minutes for an F train at Jay Street, but they were a delicious 25 minutes), but I saw something on the F train that made me glad that I had already eaten my dinner (as I would have immediately lost my appetite if I had one). I took a picture of the poster, but I found a less blurry photo at Fucked in Park Slope:

What this means: Starting on November 14th (and [allegedly] ending in “Spring 2012″), no southbound F or G trains will stop at the station I live above. This is the opposite of what happened last time (no northbound trains stopped there for a few months), and slightly more preferable (it will add no time to my commute to work in the morning, but it will require me to travel past my stop and transfer to a northbound train every time I am coming back from work or the grocery store or a rehearsal).

Bonus Points: FiPS also points out that the poster’s (alleged) finish date is different than the one on the MTA’s Web site.

I really and truly despise the MTA.

“As as many as 500 as many as 400 16 cops were hauled into Bronx Supreme Court yesterday to answer for the massive NYPD ticket-fixing scandal, and hundreds of officers protested outside, new details emerged on how the suspects made the summonses disappear.”

“IT’S A COURTESY NOT A CRIME” was a popular sign, as was “‘IT’S BEEN GOING ON SINCE THE DAYS OF THE EGYPTIANS.’ MAYOR MIKE BLOOMBERG.“ But my favorite is this: “JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS” (which you might remember as the most common defense at the Nuremberg Trials).

It looks like they’re standing in the street, doesn’t it? That’s a crime! Why isn’t anyone beating them with batons and pepper-spraying their eyes?

“Families worried about loved ones with Alzheimer’s getting disoriented and wandering off can now get them walking shoes with built-in GPS devices.”

But they’ll only work if the person wearing them forgets how to take them off.

There’s a story about how the new racino at Aqueduct Racetrack had to turn people away from their grand opening. I only mention it because it introduced me to my new favorite name: “‘This wait is crazy!’ said prospective gambler Inosent Carver, of Queens.”

His parents, Nahtgiltee Stabber and Akwidid Slasher, had no comment.

“Two off-duty NYPD officers were arrested yesterday morning charged with driving while intoxicated. Police officer Ariel Rosa, 26, was arrested after the rookie allegedly hit a parked car on Moffat Street in Bushwick  at 4:25 a.m. yesterday…He’s been suspended for 30 days without pay. Meanwhile, Officer Michael Botros, 29, was arrested near 150th Avenue and Lefferts Boulevard in South Ozone Park at about 7:40 a.m. yesterday, and also charged with driving while intoxicated.”

I don’t know who watches the watchmen, but I know who gently slaps their wrists.

“Firefighters powered down Occupy Wall Street yesterday, seizing protesters’ electric generators as the grungy horde prepared for the season’s first blast of wintery weather.”

The grungy horde? Fuck you, Antonio Antenucci and Bill Sanderson.

“Mayor Bloomberg said the seizure was made ‘just to make sure everybody’s safe.’”

Because what could make the protesters safer than removing the things that keep them warm right before a giant slush-storm?

“Meanwhile, a protester was arrested early yesterday on charges of assaulting a TV reporter. Dustin Taylor, 34, of Millersburg, Ohio allegedly threatened WNYW/Channel 5 reporter John Huddy, saying, ‘I’ll stab you in the throat with this pen.’” Now why would a protester be rude to a TV reporter? Hmmm… what’s WNYW/Channel 5 an affiliate of? Oh, that’s right. It’s Fox’s channel in New York City.

It’s such a shame that after weeks of insulting the protesters and perpetuating the “they don’t even know why they’re there” and “they hate wealth” myths, Fox isn’t treated with kindness. Incidentally, here’s a sign that might help Fox better understand the OWS movement:

“Meanwhile, a fed-up Rudy 9iu11ani said the city should move the protesters out, citing public safety and health hazards. ‘Enough is enough,’ the former mayor said. ‘We can’t allow this to go on forever and ever. It sets a bad precedent… [and] diverts police resources from public safety.’” And protests outside Bronx Supreme Court.

Bonus Points to Antonio and Bill for starting paragraphs #12 and 18 with “Meanwhile.”

“The Long Island Rail Road and a federal board said they are prepared to yank the pensions and disability benefits of the seven retirees busted in a $1 billion scam Thursday in which the workers allegedly falsely claimed to be too hurt to work.” Yay!

“But [RRB spokesman Mike] Freeman repeatedly refused yesterday to say if RRB will investigate — as it promised three years ago — whether up to 1,423 LIRR retirees who were approved disability benefits between 2004 and 2008 are legitimately disabled… The vast majority of the 1,423 retirees were certified disabled by two doctors, who were also busted Thursday.” Boo!

The TSA is firing the baggage inspector who put an inappropriate note (GET YOUR FREAK ON GIRL) in Jill Filipovic’s luggage after he spotted her vibrator. Here’s part of Jill’s response:

“I get no satisfaction in hearing that someone lost their job over this. I would much prefer a look at why ’security’ has been used to justify so many intrusions on our civil liberties, rather than fire a person who made a mistake… The invasion is inherent to the TSA’s mission, regardless of whether a funny note is left behind — the note only serves to highlight the absurdity of all this security theater.”

Page Six is on page 10 today.

“Actress Kristen Stewart has revealed the latest movie in the ‘Twilight Saga’ was originally given a ‘R’ rating after a sex scene between her and real-life lover, Robert Pattinson, was deemed too steamy… Luckily for younger fans, the rating will not be final as the scene is being re-cut.”

Wait… the Twilight Saga has older fans?

Conrad Murray’s lawyer put Dr. Paul White on the stand yesterday and he told the jury that “Michael Jackson likely injected himself with a fatal dose of the anesthetic propofol after popping an extra eight sedatives without [Conrad Murray's] knowledge.”

This is an odd strategy, as Los Angeles juries have made it clear that they disregard everything Michael Jackson does.

Swedish Chef:

Swedish Lunch Lady:

“[A lunch lady in Sweden] stunned teachers and students when they confronted her about the inedible food she served, and she responded by taking off her pants.opening her shirt, and doing a striptease in the cafeteria. ‘The school’s social-welfare officer tried to tell her this is no [sic] acceptable behavior, but she just kept on dancing,’ said a witness.”

This seems like a good time to thank all of the cafeteria workers in all of the schools I have ever attended for never taking off any of their clothes in my presence.

“A stray beagle mix that cheated death in the gas chamber of an Alabama dog pound is up for adoption in New Jersey.”

When he heard this, Pat Buchanan (who recently complained that Jews — “who represent less than 2 percent of the US population” — have “33 percent of the Supreme Court’s seats”) turned to his wife and said, “See? They can’t even kill a beagle mix in a gas chamber! I told you the Jews were lying about the Holocaust!”

Rich Lowry still doesn’t get it.

“Are we divided between the top 1 percent and a vast wasteland of the dispossessed, as many of the Occupy Wall Street protesters have it? Or are we still the land of opportunity, as top House Republican Paul Ryan insisted in a recent speech at the Heritage Foundation? The answer is that we are still a mobile society, although not as much of one as we might wish. If the nihilistic despair of the Occupy Wall Street crowd is detached from reality, neither is self-congratulation in order.”

Vast wasteland of the dispossessed? Nihilistic despair? That’s weird. When I listen to what the various Occupy groups are saying — and doing — I get a sense of unity and compassion and hope that has been sadly missing from America for some time. But please, Rich, tell us what the answer to our nation’s problems are.

“If Americans finished high school, worked full time at a job that matched their skills and married at the rate they did in the 1970s, the poverty rate would be cut 70 percent.” Of course! Everyone should just get full-time jobs! Brilliant!

“These old-fashioned bourgeois virtues, and particularly marriage, rarely figure in the public debate. Everyone is more comfortable talking about taxes or the banks, as the American Dream frays.” Yeah, Occupy Wall Street! Shut up about the criminals who almost destroyed our economy! Start protesting the lower marriage rates in this country!

Rich Lowry is not very bright.

Not to get too meta, but I honestly don’t know if the authors of these two letters to the Post are being sarcastic or not:

Staten Island’s Charlie Honadel writes, “I know that Frank J. Fleming is trying to be funny and that ‘Why We Must Lose the Darn 1 Percent’ is supposed to be satire. But some people might not understand he’s kidding and take him seriously.”

Flemington, New Jersey’s Joe Hann writes, “Fleming must have written this column with tongue in cheek the whole time. Include a picture next time so that we can know for sure.”

“Tesla Motors, a US maker of electric cars, is sold out of next year’s production of its new Model S sedan and should earn a profit in 2013, CEO Elon Musk said in a Bloomberg TV interview.”

I would like to applaud the Post for printing this sentence without adding “for eco-fags” after “electric cars.”

GOBLIN IT UP! is the PULSE section’s guide to the right candies to get for “your guests” on Halloween.

Examples include: A nine-piece bonbon box from Max Brenner ($12.90), a small skull with marshmallow eyes from Jacques Torres ($20), and cupcakes from Crumbs ($3.75 each).

If you come to my house on Halloween, I will give you one fun-sized candy bar from a giant bag that I got on sale at Rite Aid. You’re welcome.

Hondo (the sports section’s resident right-wing pundit) writes, “The Occupy Wall Street Protesters, aka ‘the 99 percent,’ today will belong to a group in which they will be ‘the one percent’ — the tiny minority that camps out while being deluged by a wintry mix.”

And speaking of tiny minorities,

And that’s Saturday.

Teresa and I are heading down to Zuccotti Park tomorrow and I start my new job (finally!) the following morning. But I’ll write what I can when I can.

Have a great week and Happy Halloween!