Posts Tagged ‘NBC’
WIPEOUT!
NYC rations toilet paper at Coney Island
Rich Calder’s EXCLUSIVE cover story (followed up on page 5 in P!$$ED OFF OVER CONEY ‘TP’ RATION) tells us that the Parks Department is rationing toilet paper in the women’s public restrooms on the boardwalk.
“The Post witnessed stone-faced Parks Department employees leave toilet-paper dispensers empty last week and instead force astonished female beachgoers to form ‘ration lines’ in the bathrooms. Regina Ballone, 25, of Brooklyn visited a boardwalk bathroom at West 16th Street Wednesday and was ‘grossed out’ at the thought of someone handling her toilet paper.”
In a related story, I will be selling toilet paper and diapers on the boardwalk for the remainder of the summer. Stop by and say hello!
Offered without comment:
“ONONDAGA, NY — A motorcyclist at a protest ride against helmet laws was killed after he flipped over his handlebars and struck his head on the pavement. State troopers said Philip Contos, 55, was driving a 1983 Harley with other bikers protesting the laws by not wearing helmets. They said he would have likely survived if he had been wearing a helmet.”
And the nominees for 2011’s clunkiest opening sentence of an article are…
Jessica Simeone and Jennifer Fermino for ‘Flurry’ of training for bus drivers (“It’s Christmas in July for MTA bus drivers, and their out-of-season gift is more blizzard training.”)
And the winner is…
Anthony Weiner should send a gift basket to Dominique Strauss-Kahn, as the Post is now devoting all of their crude sexual puns to DSK. Case in point: Laura Italiano, Reuven Fenton and Bob Fredericks’ DSK can still get election, which claims that 49% of France supports a “comeback” for Mr. Strauss-Kahn.
Ironically, Weiner had more support from his constituents when he resigned.
Weekend box office:
Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon opened in first place ($97,500,000), Larry Crowne opened in fourth ($13,111,000), and Monte Carlo opened in sixth ($7,425,000). The rest of the top earners were Cars 2 ($26,170,000), Bad Teacher ($14,500,000), and Super 8 ($7,820,000).
I have been trying to not pay attention to the Casey Anthony trial, but I (foolishly) watched the first part of the defense’s closing argument on YouTube (I couldn’t watch any more). One of the highlights (if you can call it that), was Casey’s attorney, José Baez, criticizing her father. “[Baez] also launched a scathing attack on George Anthony as a man ‘without an ounce of parental intuition,’ whose testimony has all but sold out his own daughter. ‘I don’t know a father in the world who wouldn’t fall on his sword for his child,’ said Baez.”
Even if she killed his grandchild, José?
“George only protects George and George throws Casey under the bus… She was raised to live that way… Is it a surprise she turned out this way?”
Speaking of throwing someone under the bus…
According to Page Six (today on pages 10 and 11), “On Friday at 6 p.m., a flood of breaking news alerts hit our inboxes, reporting celebrity divorces that were being filed or finalized.” Maria Shriver filed for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger and divorces were finalized for Ryan Reynolds & Scarlett Johansson, Patricia Arquette & Thomas Jane, and George Lopez & Ann Serrano.
Comic book nerds must be thrilled — the big-screen versions of Mr. Freeze, Green Lantern, Deadpool, Black Widow and The Punisher are all back on the market!
Fredric, You Dicker U. Dicker’s page 12 EXCLUSIVE (That’s the ticket! Top GOPer: Obama will tap Cuomo) informs us that “former New York GOP boss William Powers, credited with playing a key role in electing Rudy 9iu11ani mayor and George Pataki governor” knows that the 2012 Democratic ticket will be Obama/Cuomo.
“I don’t think there’s any doubt Obama is going to pick him as a running mate. The president is in trouble and [Vice President Joseph] Biden doesn’t bring anything to his ticket. The president will call him up later this year and say, ‘Andrew, you have to do this for the good of the country.’ What’s Andrew going to say, ‘No?’”
I don’t think Obama is going to make that call. But if he does, I am fairly certain that Cuomo will absolutely say, “No.”
The US Army Corps of Engineers say they’ll need between 1 and 2 billion (with a b) dollars to fix the Mississippi River and Tributaries Project (the world’s largest flood-control system, which stretches from Illinois to Louisiana).
Normally I’d want a second opinion, but I’m sure the US Army Corps of Engineers knows what they’re doing.
Cindy Adams is off today
Andrea Peyser is in top form today.
In Hero to the left? Not so ridickulous, she asks us to “Imagine if Mark Halperin had made a similar crack about the anatomy of Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann. I’ll bet he’d be greeted by high-fives from denizens of the lefty network’s sexist Romper Room.” Halperin said Obama behaved like “kind of a dick.” So… if he said Sarah Palin acted like kind of a vagina, the people at MSNBC would high-five him? Because MSNBC is full of sexists?
In Go ahead and pledge allegiance, she complains (again) about NBC’s omission of “under God” from their broadcast of children saying the Pledge of Allegiance. Except this time, she explains that it isn’t part of the left’s war on God.
“The war on patriotism is on… Just finding an American flag in our lefty halls of education is as rare as finding an avowed Republican in a political-science class.”
You know what else she hates? The US Constitution. “In 2006, a federal district court in Florida made the insane ruling that a 1942 state law requiring students to stand and recite the pledge violates the First and 14th amendments of the US Constitution. What about algebra?” (rimshot)
In Love, honor obey [sic] and go to sex rehab, she repeats the repulsively stupid claim that “Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, is taking at least two weeks off, from her job at the State Department and from her genitally obsessed hub.” She goes on to note that Abedin is “chilling solo for a couple of weeks while Weiner seeks at least two-weeks [sic] treatment for sex addiction.” I weep for Mandrea’s hub. And I hope that, someday, we’ll know for sure whether or not he’s a child molester.
Bonus Points: In METROCARD SHARKS, she complains that on three separate occasions, she has tried to add money to her MetroCard and “the machine took my money, but failed to put it on the card… Transit spokeswoman Dierdre Parker told me such events occurred about 4,250 times in May.” I hate the MTA with a fiery passion. But reading about Peyser’s misfortune made me giggle.
Derek Jeter will return to the Yankees’ lineup tonight.
[SPOILER: He was 0-for-4 and the Yanks lost to the Indians, but it was still good to see him on the field again.]
Welcome back, my darling.
And that’s Monday.
More to come…
J&R Music and Computer World’s spokesman (Abe Brown) told a Community Board 1 committee that the store wants Park Row (between Beekman Street and Ann Street) to be co-named “J&R Way” because, “All over the world, people know our name, but they can’t associate where it is.”
If that’s true, maybe a better co-name would be “Google J&R Music and Computer World, Stupid Way.”
The legalization of gay marriage gets a full page today… on page 7. But APPLE GAYS’ ALTAR EGOS (see what they did there?) is merely a fluff piece about how gay couples are planning a whole bunch of weddings now that they’re finally allowed to tie the knot (yawn), and Annie Karni’s Giddy Quinn eyeing spring nups (about how City Council Speaker Christine Quinn has started planning her wedding) begins, “She’s ready to unleash her inner bridezilla.”
Fun Fact: “Bridezilla” is not a compliment (see any episode of Bridezillas). B’also? I don’t think any of the detestable harridans featured on that show are gay.
In addition to O’s UNWELCOME $TEAMROLLER (which complains that Obama came to NYC for fundraisers on Thursday and disrupted traffic), Michael Goodwin’s page of sloppy prose features the piece In NBC we don’t trust (reprinted in its entirety):
“After NBC issued a mushy mea culpa for omitting ‘under God’ twice from a video of children reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, a friend offers the hidden subtext of non-apology apologies: ‘I’m sorry you’re such an idiot that you were offended by something I said. And I’m really, really sorry I had to say I’m sorry. Now go [fuck] yourself!’”
I find it hard to believe that Michael Goodwin has a friend.
Jerry Seinfeld ruined my life! tells us that Howie Kohlenberg is suing The Marriage Ref for breaking up his marriage. “The people on the show were pumping us up, saying, ‘You’re going to wake up and be stars. You’re going to be famous and make money.’ The producer kept saying her lips looked great, and all of a sudden she was getting a lot of Botox,” he claims somewhat coherently.
I tried to find the episode on YouTube, but failed. I did, however, find a clip where Jerry Seinfeld and Greg Giraldo are repeatedly questioning the sexuality of the husband — and he’s someone I went to college with (and, to the best of my knowledge, has never been gay… not that there’s anything wrong with that).
It’s a small, small world.
This terrible newspaper just won’t stop beating the dust particles that used to be a dead horse.
Texting again, Anthony? takes up the most real estate on page 12 (it’s a large black and white photo of a lunching Anthony Weiner looking at his phone while his wife sits across from him and reads a menu). First sentence: “Down boy — your wife is sitting right there!”
The fact that the Post keeps insisting we should give a shit, is proof that we shouldn’t.
By the way, uncredited wordsmith responsible for this, when you shout a one-word imperative (like… “Down!”) at someone (let’s say… a boy), there should be a comma separating the verb and the noun. Unless you were implying that Weiner is made of soft feathers.
This photo is on page 14.
Is it just me (or the angle of the camera) or does this carriage horse have super-tiny legs?
But wait! There’s more Weiner-bashing on page 16 — in Todd Venezia’s piece about how “Former New York Mayor John Lindsay… gave actress Florence Henderson a nasty case of crabs during a wild one-night stand in the 1960s.” Venezia calls Lindsay “a grosser politician than Anthony Weiner.”
Keep it up, Post. It only makes people like Weiner more when they see him unfairly raked against the coals. Like Sarah Palin’s supporters, but with the ability to breath through their noses.
Yesterday, Geoff Earle claimed that Eric Cantor and Jon Kyl walked out of the recent debt talks because Obama wasn’t there. Here’s the Cantor quote in today’s POSTSCRIPT:
“‘The Democrats insist that any deal must include tax increases. I don’t believe now is the time to raise taxes’ — [Eric Cantor] on why he pulled out of debt negotiations with the White House”
He continued, “Wah wah wah, Obama refuses to show up for us to give him yet still another non-negotiable ultimatum that will negatively affect most of the people who support us!”
On pages 28 and 29, Peggy Noonan signs the praises of Jon Huntsman (“He can flick off criticisms with sad [sic] shake of the head.”) next to George F. Will’s love letter to Rick Perry (“Texas — a right-to-work state that taxes neither personal income nor capital gains — added more jobs than the other 49 states combined”). Gee… what’s there not to like about him? Besides this?
For weeks, I had a coupon in my pocket for a free small Frozen Hot Chocolate at Dunkin’ Donuts. And on the particularly hot day that I finally decided to redeem it (before heading down into the bowels of MTA Hell), I saw that the coupon expired the day before.
The reason I bring this up is that Serendipity 3 accused DD of copying their $9 Frrrozen Hot Chocolate, so it’s being phased out “over the next two months.”
Full Disclosure: I bought one anyway. It was a’ight.
Interesting things I learned from Reed Tucker’s two-page Transformers 3 piece:
• European marketers wouldn’t let Michael Bay call it Dark Side of the Moon because of the Pink Floyd album of the same name. So he removed “Side” from the title and now it makes no sense.
• Bay says this one is “a much bigger, much better movie [than the last two]. It’s got mysteries and it deals with some of the stuff from America’s past, Russia’s past. We found a pretty interesting story.” Actually, that sounds kind of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
• Bay blames the lazy incoherence of the last installment’s script on the 2008-2009 writers’ strike (or, as Reed says, “writer’s strike” — because only one of them was on strike). Then he compares Transformers 3 to Black Hawk Down.
ASK ASHLEY!
I recently broke up with a woman, and as you may expect, it didn’t exactly go well. Soon after, I found out that she’d been talking about my size, which she had always been complimentary of prior to our breakup. Now I’m worried that I may not be well-endowed enough to properly satisfy a woman, and that she was lying to me when she would talk about my endowment. Does size really matter? If so, what would be adequate in that department? — Tommy, Queens
ASHLEY: “Rather than focus on this petty, insignificant size issue, I’d get to the bottom of what you did or said to make her go around talking smack in the first place. In the end, if you ignore this silly nonsense and pay more attention to the reason she went ahead and did that, then you’ll come out the nice guy who tried to end things maturely, rather than the douchebag with a small weenie.”
ME: “Sadly, all women exaggerate in bed (except my wife). But I disagree with the man-hating prostitute — just walk away. Anyone as vindictive as your ex is not worth having in your life, and every person she talks to about your penis sees her for the bitter shrew she is. Unless, of course, you really do have a small penis, in which case you should get one o’ them pumps. To make sure, measure your penis. I believe the average penis is 11 inches long so, as long as you’re in that ballpark, you’ll be OK.”
I’m an old-fashioned guy who believes in walks on the beach, intimate conversations and candlelit atmospheres. That said, I don’t want to get married. My aunt never married, and I’d like to follow in her footsteps. Thing is, I also want to continue treating women the way I do, but I don’t want to mislead them. What’s the best way to let a woman know that I’m not interested in marriage, but do still like her company? — Anonymous
ASHLEY: “Just stay true to yourself. Let George Clooney be your personal role model!”
ME: “Anonymous (if that is your real name), you are the male equivalent of a cocktease (vagtease?) and a knucklehead. How do you tell a woman that you aren’t interested in marriage but want to keep spending time with her? By telling her that you aren’t interested in marriage but want to keep spending time with her. Let a person who knows how to express his thoughts through words be your personal role model!”
The Yankees are back in first place (.587 to Boston’s .579).
Delicious.
Have yourselves a heckuva week.
Police finally caught the guy who (they believe) killed those four people in the Haven Drugs pharmacy on Long Island.
“Suspected pill addict David Laffer has been charged with slaughtering four people in a Long Island pharmacy to score a bag full of pain killers for his nagging, drug-addled wife, who was his getaway driver after the Father’s Day massacre, police and witnesses said yesterday.”
Here are David and Melinda Laffer on their wedding day in 2009:
And here’s David, 33, now:
And here’s Melinda, 29, now:
I look forward to the bio-pic starring Tim Blake Nelson and Julianne Moore.
Remember Joseph Brooks? He’s the Oscar-winning songwriter who (allegedly) sexually assaulted 13 women over the years, and who committed suicide rather than go to trial. Well, the Post has learned the contents of his will. His four children (including accused murderer, Nicholas) get… nothing. His personal trainer at The Sports Club/LA gym on East 61st Street gets… everything.
In a related story, Brooks has risen from the dead and seeks brains to eat.
I can’t decide if S.A. Miller’s It’s official — Weiner out is yet another poor attempt at a double-entendre headline or the first Weiner story intentionally without one.
I’m going with my gut and saying the former.
Obama gave an address last night and announced that he was going to withdraw 10,000 troops from Afghanistan by the end of the year and another 23,000 by the end of Summer 2012. “By 2014, this process of transition will be complete, and the Afghan people will be responsible for their own security,” he said.
And how does Michael A. Walsh feel about this? Let’s check the headline of his column for a clue:
So much for real victory — unless, that is, it’s merely a political one
The Vulcan Muppet calls Obama’s address “a campaign speech designed to paint him more as dispassionate peacemaker than as commander in chief.”
1) Commander-in-chief is hyphenated, Brainiac.
2) So… Obama decided that he would make himself appear dispassionate (b’also not a commander-in-chief)? He did that by design?
At the end of his rant, Walsh quotes Obama: “‘Let us finish the work at hand. Let us responsibly end these wars and reclaim the American Dream.’ Just after 9/11, is that really what we were fighting for? Whatever happened to victory?”
What we were fighting for just after 9/11 was revenge. But now that 1,600 of our soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan since 2001, maybe a reassessment of why we’re there is in order?
Fun Fact: Michael A. Walsh has never served anyone but himself.
I’m still waiting for Goodwin’s, but here’s Andrea Peyser’s reaction to NBC’s omission of “under God” in their broadcast of (parts of) the Pledge of Allegiance (DON’T EDIT ‘GOD’!).
“…the words were censored by NBC during coverage of the US Open golf tournament last weekend. Leaving no question that network grunts might be having a senior moment, NBC edited out the phrase not once, but twice — when the kids said, ‘under God, indivisible’ and ‘one nation under God indivisible.’”
OMG! NBC also thinks we’re more than one nation! Secular people are so stupid!
This literally boggles my mind.
Pilot grounded for ‘ugly’ crack (credited to Post Wire Services) explains that “A Southwest Airlines pilot was suspended after he accidentally broadcast a conversation with his first officer, in which he described the flight crew based in [Houston] as ‘one of the ugliest.’”
Why is my mind boggled? Well, why don’t you listen to the (NSFW) recording and see if you can figure it out.
“Eleven fucking over-the-top fucking ass-fucking homosexuals and a granny… I thought I was in Chicago which is Party Land… gays and grannies and grandes… I don’t give a fuck! I hate 100 percent of their asses.”
There isn’t a single mention of the gay-bashing in the article.
This is a terrible newspaper.
According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), Lindsay Lohan refused to leave her bedroom when Matt Lauer went to her house for an interview (to be aired on Today) because she decided the $50,000 she was getting for it wasn’t enough (she wanted $100,000).
In a related story, Lindsay failed a drug test (she had alcohol in her system) and is due in court today. Will she be put in jail? Probably not. But she’ll get yelled at and threatened by a judge. Again.
Other Page Six items include:
• Liv Tyler, 33, is now dating Theo Wenner, 24. Theo’s dad is Jann Wenner. Liv’s dad is Steven Tyler.
• Mayor Jim Cahill (of New Brunswick, New Jersey) refuses to grant a liquor license to Larry Blatterfein until he changes the name of his proposed bar. And what is the name Blatterfein wants? Buck Foston’s. Heh.
• Many other stories that no one in their right mind cares about.
Cindy Adams’ Attempt At Wit #7,412,903:
“Note to Anthony Weiner: Great thing about unemployment is, instantly you get out of bed in the morning you’re on the job.”
I guess that’s almost a sentence. Not a witty one, but still.
John Galliano “told a Paris court yesterday he has no memory of his anti-Semitic diatribes and blamed booze, barbiturates and sleeping pills for the convenient blackout.”
The court immediately surrendered on behalf of the nation.
Linda 3Starsi doesn’t give it a rating, but she does complain about True Blood in her Tired ‘Blood’: Where did all the toe-curling vampire sex go?
Now that’s what I call criticism!
And that’s it for Thursday.
I have an extraordinarily busy few days ahead of me, but I’ll update when I can.
Let’s Have A Ball is off this week, but I’ll be at The Creek and The Cave tomorrow night to cheer on Dog Court as they attempt to retain their championship belt at The Arena (Two-peat! *clap*clap* Two-peat! *clap*clap* Two-peat!).
Before the show, I will be eating The Creek’s delicious nachos (but I will not be drinking their Malbec — that was a very stupid decision on my part).
Happy Thursday!
David Flory, 68, is a physics professor at Fairleigh Dickinson University in New Jersey, where he has taught for the last 42 years.
He is also facing 40 felony counts of promoting prostitution on the Web site he ran, Southwest Companions.
The Post’s front-page headline for this story?
SCREW U.
The H&H Bagels on the Upper West Side is closing.
First Circuit City, now the H&H Bagels across the street… at least there’s still a Barnes & Noble a few blocks north. That’ll be there forever!
4… 3… 2…
Still no vote on gay marriage yet. Maybe tomorrow.
Foxy Brown (real name: Inga DeCarlo Fung Marchand) was due in court yesterday at 9:30 a.m., but she got there at 11:30. Brooklyn Supreme Court Justice John Walsh admonished her, saying, “Don’t put me in a position where I’m going to have to remand you to make sure you’re here at 9:30.”
Foxy replied (to the press, not the judge), “This is bullshit. I’m always here on time.”
I totally agree. Why did that stupid judge have to pick on poor Inga? She’s always on time!
Michael Goodwin’s All the biased news they see fit to print is unintentionally hilarious. Goodwin is angry at The New York Times‘ Executive Editor Bill Keller (and the paper in general) for a column that appeared in a recent Times Magazine. The piece began, “If the 2012 election were held in the newsrooms of America and pitted Sarah Palin against Barack Obama, I doubt Palin would get 10 percent of the vote.”
Goodwin calls that a “backhanded admission that the newsrooms of America are overwhelmingly liberal.” Actually, Mike, I think it’s an admission that most people who can read recognize Palin for what she is — a selfish fame junkie who takes great pride in her ignorance.
Goodwin goes on to complain that (later in the piece), Keller “is giving license to his staff to go after Palin and, by inference, go easy on Obama. His not-so-subtle marching order is certain to find favor with ambitious reporters and editors hoping to please the boss. Yes, yes, everybody knows the Times is hopelessly biased.” My hypocrisy meter just exploded.
I wonder if Goodwin has ever heard of Bill Sammon.
Goodwin has never commented on the fact that Fox News employees were given biased talking points (a.k.a. “marching orders”) for their “news” programs by Mr. Sammon. He also doesn’t seem to have a problem writing for one of the most biased papers in the world.
Smug + ugly = smugly
In a related story, the glass house that Goodwin lives in has been competely destroyed.
Were you wondering why Edgar Algarin beat his girlfriend’s 3-year-old to death?
“She wouldn’t eat her dinner, so 3-year-old Enidalez Ortiz was brutally beaten by her mother’s boyfriend — who then left her to die as he coldly played a video game, authorities said yesterday.”
I would be OK with this man slowly being eaten to death by fire ants.
We now know how much NBC is paying Donald Trump (and co-producer Mark Burnett) for another two seasons of Celebrity Apprentice: $160,000,000.
I really, really, really want to move to Argentina.
“Verizon Wireless will become the latest carrier to curb unlimited data plans in favor of tiered pricing. The company said the billing changes are coming in July, but details have yet to be released, including the fate of current unlimited consumers, who may be grandfathered.”
We’d better be.
(shakes fist)
MOVIE REVIEW!
Kyle Smith gives one star to If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front (“appalling… fatuous apology for eco-terrorism”). But I’m sure he watched it with an open mind.
Linda 3Starsi reviews the new FX show, Wilfred. She gives it…
…three stars.
Need another reason to not watch America’s Got Talent tonight? Here you go!
That’s right — Sandy “Naked Cowgirl” Kane will be “performing.”
(shudder)
Sorry for the tardy.
Have a lovely evening.
For the third consecutive day, golfer Rory McIlroy is on the cover. And for the third consecutive day, I don’t have any desire to find out why (he’s holding a trophy, so I’ll just assume he won the US Open).
The 25% of the cover that Rory isn’t on is devoted to MASSACRE: 4 slain in LI pharmacy rob; shooter escapes. Because when you really think about it, which is the more urgent news story? Some guy playing a good game of golf or a multiple murderer at large in Long Island?
Incidentally, it happened in Medford.
“Although the legislative session is technically over today [Gov.] Cuomo is expected to keep lawmakers in the Capitol until several bills have been decided.”
Will gay marriage be one of them?
[JEDITOR'S NOTE: I wanted to insert a picture of a fey person crossing their fingers, so I Googled "gay anticipation." There were a lot of men with penises in their backsides. I stopped looking. But, if you'd like, feel free to imagine a flamboyant homosexual with an anticipatory expression on his face and his fingers crossed.]
Weekend box office: The Hangover Part II ($10,071,339) knocked Kung Fu Panda 2 out of the top five, with X-Men: First Class ($11,933,524), Mr. Popper’s Penguins ($18,445,355), Super 8 ($21,472,020) and Green Lantern ($53,174,303) filling out the other slots.
Lorena Mongelli’s Riders rail at ‘petty’ subway tickets tells the sad story of Phillip Williams, 20, who got a $50 ticket for putting his feet on a seat on a J train. “I don’t understand why I should have to pay,“ he complained to the Post.
I’ll field this one. It’s because you got caught doing something that’s illegal. B’also? People would rather not sit down on whatever is on the bottom of your shoes, punk, so try not to do it again.
The article also features Jay Reisberg, 64, who was given a ticket for “walking through the cars on an F train as it was stopped in the Union Square station.”
1) I think Lorena means “walking between the cars,” as walking through them isn’t against the law.
2) I think Lorena needs a transit map. The F doesn’t stop in the Union Square station. It stops at 14th Street, yes, but on Sixth Avenue.
Otherwise, great job.
Someone tell Jon Glaser about this so he can sue them for stealing his “Rage Cage” idea.
“A New Jersey-based members-only club is offering its rich clients the unique opportunity to demolish anything they desire with whatever weapons they choose. Members of The Destruction Co. can take their frustrations out on anything from a laptop to a Lamborghini in the club’s secret warehouse or on an undisclosed rooftop.”
Other countries don’t hate us for our freedoms; they hate us because we use our freedoms to do shit like this.
Mayor Bloomberg’s mother died at the age of 102 in Medford. I wonder if she was in that pharmacy!
Oh, wait. She died in Medford, Massachusetts. Never mind.
It only gets a three-sentence article credited to NewsCore today (NBC caught off ‘God’), but I guarantee you at least two people (let’s say… Andrea Peyser and Michael Goodwin) will comment in the coming week.
“NBC yesterday offered an apology for omitting the words ‘under God’ from the Pledge of Allegiance during coverage of golf’s US Open.”
Did you see that, Bill O’Reilly? The War on Christmas has escalated to a war on God!
Any hot gossip, Cindy Adams?
“His Majesty Whateverhisname is who runs Oman and built its first Middle East opera house plans ‘The International Cultural Honors’ TV show.”
1) After eight seconds of looking, I learned that the head of state of Oman is Sultan Qaboos bin Said Al Said (which is also what Arabic Foghorn Leghorn says all the time).
2) There shouldn’t be a space between “Whateverhisname” and “is,” Cindy.
3) You shouldn’t be alive, Cindy.
Bonus Points: “Trouble in Paradise: Mr. & Mrs. Palin argued on their bus. He left and drove waythehell to Alaska alone.” I don’t think they were arguing — he probably just wanted to get home so he could fish and hunt and have sex with men.
Andrea Peyser’s Gay nuptials — this time it’s personal begins, “I give in. To my dear niece and her lovely wife — mazel tov.”
Awww… her niece must be so touched that Auntie Mandrea is OK with her new gay marriage. Even if she probably still has a problem with the gay agenda.
I could only make it through the first sentence of Maxine Shen’s TV’s hottest ticket: Holy OJ! Viewers can’t get enough Casey.
“As perverse as it may sound, the Casey Anthony trial is the kind of news event that TV executives dream of.”
And that’s today yesterday.
A friend just posted this on Facebook. I doubt the story will ever wind up in the Post.
And now, some more (almost entirely unnecessary) coverage of Anthony Weiner (warning: tired puns abound).
WEINER’S RISE AND FALL is today’s headline.
RISE AND FALL has replaced BATTLE OF THE BULGE at the top of the follow-up pages (2, 3, 4, 5, 6 [not to be confused with Page Six, today on pages 24, 25 and 26], 7 and 8). The giant headline for Andy Soltis’ piece (divided between pages 2 and 3) is WEINER FINALLY YANKS HIMSELF (one of the three sub-headlines is Offers a limp apology to Huma). Soltis discusses Weiner’s press conference (the one he resigned at yesterday), noting, “Howard Stern staffer Benji Bronk shouted, ‘Are you fully erect?’ When others tried to stifle Bronk, he argued, ‘Don’t you want to know? I want to know.’ Then he tossed another question at Weiner, ‘Are you more than seven inches?’” Fascinating.
He also tells us that Huma Abedin was “conspicuously absent from the announcement, but three hours later the couple had dashed to Long Island, where she smiled as he sang along to canned music in a supermarket.”I wonder if this means that the folks at the Post will stop insisting their marriage is definitely over. [SPOILER: No, I don't; no, they won't.]
Soltis also quotes Ed Koch as saying that “[Weiner]’s toast for the next 10 to 15 years.” Koch continued, “It’s so nice to have visitors, Andy. Why don’t you take off your shoes and jacket for me?” Though I might have spelled that wrong.
But my favorite bit is how Soltis relates how Weiner shared his decision to resign with Rep. Steve Israel (D-LI): “Weiner reached Israel at a White House picnic, where members of Congress were feasting on burgers, fried chicken, grilled corn — and foot-long hot dogs.” See what he did there?
Andrea Peyser’s Even friends won’t touch this ding-dong criticizes Abedin for having “steered clear of [Weiner] in his hour of need” (at the press conference) — thus robbing Mandrea of the chance to call her a doormat for attending (like she did to Silda Spitzer when she attended Eliot’s resignation).
“I miss Anthony Weiner. Or, at least, the idea of him… He wore his Jewishness with honor.” I didn’t make that up. She actually said that.
She concludes with “I liked Anthony Weiner. I was betrayed.” Just as I suspected — the real victim here, as always, is Andrea Peyser. B’also? If this is how she treats people she likes…
S.A. Miller, Geoff Earle and Leonard Greene team up for a piece about how politicians’ reactions to Weiner’s departure has a “funereal feel.” The title? Beautiful mourning (“The political death of Anthony Weiner yesterday came complete with a legislative wake”). You can hear them giggling as they write, can’t you?
Over on page 5, a dozen Post covers are reprinted so that people can go to nypost.com and vote on their “Favorite Weiner Page One.”
Will WEINER ROAST or WEINER EXPOSED or WEINER: I’LL STICK IT OUT or HIDE THE WEINER win? I look forward to never finding out!
Jennifer Fermino and Emily Smith’s His sense of Huma returns on LI getaway (see what they did there?) discusses Weiner and Abedin’s trip to the King Kullen in Manorville “less than three hours” after his press conference.
“Most of the customers in the popular supermarket didn’t recognized the duo.”
Great work, ladies.
Michael Goodwin chimes in with SO LONG WEINER, WHAT A ‘SORRY’ EXCUSE (the missing comma between LONG and WEINER is an especially nice touch). “A visitor from Mars easily could have mistaken yesterday’s resignation speech as a jaunty moment of triumph… He is dishonorable by every definition, yet refuses to accept that truth in his own head… Did he ever believe in anything other than his own career? If so, it died long ago, suffocated by the gamesmanship of his politics and the raw pathology revealed by his secret life on the Internet.”
So not only does he know what Martians think, but he also knows what’s going on in Weiner’s head (and that he hasn’t believed in anything for years).
Putz.
Geoff Earle’s White House: Hot dog! provides more details about the Congressional picnic Rep. Israel was at when he got Weiner’s phone call. “‘There were footlong hot dogs, burgers, grilled corn, fries, cotton candy, pie and ice cream,’ said one insider.”
Earle also notes that since Nancy Pelosi and Israel were at the picnic when they found out about Weiner, they were “possibly munching on hot dogs.”
Great work, Geoff.
I’d just like to point out that during roughly three weeks of coverage, no one at the Post referred to Weiner’s mistakes as a “boners,” despite the fact that “boner” can mean “erection” or “mistake.”
Danielle Johnsen, 29, a science teacher at Notre Dame Academy in Staten Island (a Catholic school), has been charged with “sexual abuse and endangering the welfare of a child” (namely, a 16-year-old female student).
Gays can’t marry, but they can teach at Catholic schools and molest children. Duly noted.
Here’s a photo from the riot in Vancouver on Wednesday night:
This would make a great movie poster (for what would almost certainly be a terrible movie).
I felt bad for the woman who was slapped in Trader Joe’s (and whose attacker was found not guilty)… until I found out who her father is. Turns out Dr. Catherine London is the daughter of AIG’s Maurice “Hank” Greenberg.
She got off light.
Page 12’s Drug cop faces lying rap is credited to Kirstan Conley. Is this a different person than Post writer Kristan Conley? Or are they both Kieran Crowley?
I smell a sitcom!
Are the other judges on NBC’s The Voice angry that they get $75,000 per episode and Christina Aguilera gets $225,000 (all of their salaries combined)? Not to mention that Aguilera (allegedly) refuses to talk to the other judges during commercial breaks?
Sure, why not.
Cindy Adams’ We’re all losing it is a cry for help.
She and her maid watered a fake orchid for four months before realizing it was fake. She has more eyeglasses than Bloomingdale’s (can people even buy eyeglasses at Bloomingdale’s?). She started boiling an egg and then forgot about it until her house filled with smoke.
Any day now… aaaaaaaaaaaaaany day now…
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives one and a half stars to both Green Lantern (“a relentlessly silly superhero flick with eyeball-rolling dialogue”) and Page One: A Year Inside the New York Times (“a carefully airbrushed and authorized portrait”), two stars to Battle for Brooklyn (“Not exactly inspiring.”), and one star to The Art of Getting By (“you’re always at least half an hour ahead of the plot”).
Kyle Smith gives three stars to Mr. Popper’s Penguins (“surprisingly touching”), and one and a half stars to Jig (“about as fascinating as watching the carousel rotation in your favorite microwave oven”).
V.A. Musetto gives three stars to R (profanity, violence), two and a half stars to Angel of Evil (sex, violence, gore, drug use), and two stars to Buck (mature themes).
And that’s Friday. Sorry for the premature posting. I’ll try not to do it again.
Have a great weekend!
Once again, let me preface today’s entry by reminding you what the Post wrote on June 2nd: “Unable to resist awkward double entendres, [Weiner] said that the situation ‘didn’t rise’ to a federal investigation…” And now, let’s take a look at today’s paper.
HIDE THE WEINER:
Skips parades for backers
First sentence: “What a weenie!”
Headline of the follow-up on page 4: WEINER IS SHRINKING
Start of the second sentence of the follow-up: “Embattled Congressman Anthony Weiner yesterday blew off two high-profile city events…”
Banner at the top of pages 4 and 5: BATTLE OF THE BULGE
Look, I am going to bet everyone reading this [REDACTED] that Weiner is completely innocent. In fact, if it turns out that he is actually guilty of sending any lewd tweets or photos, I will [REDACTED] everyone’s [REDACTED] for the rest of the year — I’ll even [REDACTED] the [REDACTED] and smile while I do it. That’s how confident I am of his innocence.
Excerpts from Philip Messing’s EXCLUSIVE on page 2, PA cop green-lighted ‘bomb risk’ PATH train:
“In a glaring security breach, a Port Authority police supervisor allowed a PATH train with a potential bomb aboard to travel from Jersey City to the World Trade Center, sources told The Post. Incredibly, the same cop was reprimanded for doing the same thing a year ago, when he authorized a PATH train to continue without checking out another suspicious package, the outraged sources said. In the latest incident, Lt. James O’Neill gave the train the green light Wednesday, despite pleas from subordinates that he wait for a K-9 officer who was on the way to check the suspicious package left under a seat.“
“PAPD K-9 Unit Officer Bryan Fitzpatrick and his bomb-sniffing German shepherd, Max, had been dispatched and were about five minutes away. But O’Neill, working at Journal Square in Jersey City, about three miles west of Exchange Place, apparently wanted to keep things moving and ‘cleared the train’ for departure. It soon left for the WTC station, which is about 15 minutes away, sources said. O’Neill made the call ‘from his desk’ — without showing up at the Exchange Place station to investigate, a source said.“
But the last two sentences are my favorite: “Even before last year, O’Neill ran into trouble with department bosses. He left his post at the Holland Tunnel to take his Corvette for a spin with a female officer and crashed on the New Jersey Turnpike in January 2008.”
Well, I for one certainly hope they give him a fourth chance to prove he isn’t a lazy incompetent who puts others’ lives at great risk.
X-Men: First Class made $55,101,604 at the box office this weekend. The Hangover Part II came in second ($31,381,234), followed by Kung Fu Panda 2 ($23,887,914), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides ($17,954,603), and Bridesmaids ($12,040,875).
Which means that Bridesmaids is the only one of the five that isn’t a prequel or sequel.
Plaxico Burress has been released from prison.
Lock up your white wine!
David K. Li reports that “[John] Edwards was all set to cop to three misdemeanor charges and face up to six months in jail, in a sentence that would be left up to the judge… The sticking point came in language that Edwards’ defense lawyers believed would preclude them from arguing for house arrest or a halfway house.”
John Edwards… in a halfway house?
I smell a sitcom!
Andrea Peyser tears into Anthony Weiner (again) (“At its core, this tale is one of crossing boundaries. Of ignoring, or not hearing, the word ‘no.’” [JEDITOR'S NOTE: Wait... what?]), John Edwards, The New York Times and the Department of Sanitation. But she has kind (if confusing) words for Ellen Barkin.
“I guess when you’ve been married to and dumped by supercreep Ron Perelman, a warm, young body looks appealing. Rock on, mama.”
So it’s cool that a 57-year-old woman is sleeping with a 26-year-old man, but a 46-year-old man (allegedly) sexting with a 21-year-old is perverse? Duly noted, mannish hypocrite.
According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), Snoop Dogg is pitching a rap version of American Idol to various networks. They claim that Oxygen, Bravo and NBC have passed (“Not enough women!” “Not enough gays!” “Not enough boring!”), but “E! and MTV have shown interest.”
MTV will lose interest, though, once they figure out that music is a big part of the show. And that there’s a chance that none of the teen contestants will be pregnant.
“The NYPD has snagged a whopping number of would-be thieves in the park this spring — and all with the classic abandoned-purse ruse, officials said yesterday. The sting has resulted in 34 arrests since March 1, they said. The NYPD’s Lucky Bag operation involves leaving a purse, with a cellphone or a wallet with cash poking out, unattended and in plain view in areas plagued by thefts, the officials said. Cops watch until someone picks up the purse.”
Again, how is this not entrapment?
Cindy Adams begins today’s column with a brain teaser:
“New York’s a city that never sleeps. I report on it so I don’t.”
Is she saying that she never sleeps, that she doesn’t never sleep, or that she reports on New York in order to never sleep (or not never sleep)?
Whatever the case, I wish she’d die.
With the exception of the narrow Weird BUT true sidebar, all of page 19 is devoted to Lois Weiss’ Inside the Donald’s new $100M private jet: LORD OF THE WINGS, which begins, “Turbulence never felt this good. Donald Trump’s new $100 million private plane is a veritable luxury suite with wings — featuring gold faucets and seat belts, suede-covered ceilings and enough legroom to accommodate the high-kicking Rockettes. The dapper Donald took the Boeing 757, which very comfortably seats 43, on its maiden voyage from New York to Washington, DC, Friday, but not before offering The Post a first look at the high-flying digs.”
There are four photos of the colossal waste of money (and one of Mr. Trump wearing a smug grin), too.
No mention of politics, birth certificates, bankruptcy or anything else that might reflect poorly on Trump. Just paragraph after paragraph about the latest toy that America’s biggest egomaniac just bought for himself.
“Up there is where my plane will go and it will be the most luxurious plane in all of the sky and it will have my name on it in big letters. You will not believe how magnificent and opulent it will be. Now… who has The Donald’s pen cap?”
Linda 3Starsi reviews ABC Family’s Switched at Birth. She gives it…
…three stars.
And that’s Monday.
Today’s entry was written as a Word document, which I will now try and cut and paste here. In the past, this has resulted in weird spacing (among other minor nuisances). If this happens (again), I will do my best to fix it. But if I can’t, rather than rolling your eyes at the wonkiness, thank Black Gay Jesus that this blog remains free (despite the numerous offers I’ve gotten from Rupert Murdoch to put it behind a paywall).
OH! And before I start, can one of my readers in the UK tell me if this is brilliant satire or horrifying reality:
“I can talk the back legs off a donkey.”
Cops’ Rape Verdict
JUSTICE DEFILED
Outrage as jury clears 2 officers
Andrea Peyser’s heavily airbrushed byline photo appears under today’s front-page headline, next to a small box of text that begins, “It’s open season on dames. A jury yesterday decided it hated a drunken woman more than the rotten cop who admitted he groped her.” Not to mention admitting — on tape — that he used a condom when he had sex with her.
Her page 7 follow-up (It’s open season for predators in uniform) begins, “There is no justice for drunk women. A message to vulnerable ladies throughout New York City: Whatever you do, do not call the cops. It’s open season on dames. And the aggressor and tormentor of the weak and the needy might be the last person you’d expect. He’s the helpful, smiling – and purely evil – cop in a crisp uniform.”
Mandrea coming to the defense of a woman? Don’t worry – it’s the exception, not the rule. “’Not guilty!’ Forewoman Rita Moore didn’t recite the words so much as she sang them, triumphantly… ‘Not guilty!’ Moore cried, so happily, so many times I lost count… It gave her perverse pleasure to punish a woman the jurors so clearly despised… ‘Not guilty!’ she sang. Only when asked for the panel’s verdicts on misdemeanor charges of official misconduct did she say, reluctantly, ‘guilty.’ Three times for each cop. In a quieter voice.”
“The mother of Officer Mata… dabbed at her face with a tissue, then lunged for her BlackBerry to spread the news. Moreno’s mother issued a sphinx-like smile as the verdicts were read. She, too, grabbed a BlackBerry.”
Bonus points: Mandrea likes the phrase “It’s open season on dames” so much she uses it twice.
In the other two pages of follow-up (thankfully not written by Peyser), we learn that Kenneth Moreno and Franklin Mata “were fired yesterday and stripped of their comfy salaries and lucrative pension.” Yay!
“Moreno, 43, has earned more than $150,000 in the two years since he was first accused of raping a drunken fashion executive… Mata, 29 – a cop for just three years… made about $110,000 in the time since the pair’s December 2008 arrest.” Booooo.
And what did Moreno tell reporters after the verdicts were read? “I think [the alleged victim] made the whole thing up. To be honest, I think she made the whole thing up.” You think? You’re not certain? You have… reasonable doubt? I DEMAND A RETRIAL!
“I believe in my heart of hearts justice was served,” said Moreno’s heartless attorney, Joseph Tacopina.
I look forward to the pending civil suit against Moreno and Mata, which they are expected to lose (but then, they were expected to lose this trial, too).
Lindsay Lohan began living under house arrest yesterday. She was sentenced to four months of incarceration but word is that, if she behaves herself for as little two weeks, she might be sent where she is early.
Geoff Earle reports that Sarah Palin “is launching a campaign-style tour through the Northeast over the Memorial Day weekend – stoking more speculation that she could jump into the race for president.”
No, Geoff. You’re stoking more speculation. Palin has no interest in doing anything in politics; she’d much rather sit on her ass and criticize actual politicians. It’s easier and there’s no accountability. Besides, Fox pays her too much.
They also pay Geoff Earle too much.
S.A. Miller reports that “The National Science Foundation squandered more than $3 billion of taxpayer money on antics including Jell-O wrestling and skinny-dipping parties at its Antarctica research station, a new report revealed yesterday.”
1) The report was issued by Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Oklahoma), who once referred to global warming as “just a lot of crap.” Here are some others things he’s said that guarantee I’ll never set foot in Oklahoma:
- “The gay community has infiltrated the very centers of power in every area across this country, and they wield extreme power… That agenda is the greatest threat to our freedom that we face today. Why do you think we see the rationalization for abortion and multiple sexual partners? That’s a gay agenda.”
- He once said that NBC’s airing of Schindler’s List brought television “to an all-time low, with full-frontal nudity, violence and profanity… I cringe when I realize that there were children all across this nation watching this program.”
- “You know, I immediately thought about silicone breast implants and the legal wrangling and the class-action suits off that. And I thought I would just share with you what science says today about silicone breast implants. If you have them, you’re healthier than if you don’t. That is what the ultimate science shows…In fact, there’s no science that shows that silicone breast implants are detrimental and, in fact, they make you healthier.”
2) Miller doesn’t say how much was actually spent on Jell-O wrestling and skinny-dipping parties. Which makes that sentence kind of like me saying “The Republican National Committee squanders tens of millions of their donated dollars on staples and scotch tape, among other things.”
3) If I was stuck in Antarctica for years at a time, I’d probably want to occasionally unwind, too.
“Accused slimeball Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s lawyers said yesterday they’ve dug up dirt on the West African maid who accused him of a sex attack… ‘Were we intent on improperly feeding the media frenzy, we could now release substantial information that, in our view, would seriously undermine the quality of this prosecution, and also gravely undermine the credibility of the complainant [defense lawyers William Taylor and Ben Brafman] wrote [in a letter to Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance Jr.].’”
Where have I heard that before… (start at 1:24 and [try to] stick it out to the end)
Bonus points: Laura Italiano, Kevin Fasick and Bob Fredericks are all credited with writing BULL FROG DSK’S TEAM RAPS MAID, but none of them noticed the typo in this sentence: “’He’s a normal guy, but he has Freudian problems,’ Frenchman Philippe Saint Ramie, 59, said of compatriot.” Did you?
According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), “Lawyers for X-Men director Matthew Vaughn, husband of Claudia Schiffer, described an online story suggesting he had a relationship with the movie’s star, January Jones, and could be the father of her unborn child as an ‘absolute lie.’”
1) X-Men was directed by Bryan Singer in 2000; Vaughn is the director of X-Men: First Class.
2) I had no idea that Vaughn and Schiffer were married so I looked it up — they married in 2002. Huh.
3) Vaughn is not the father of Jones’ baby. Don Draper is.
4) I was going to say “Kevin Kline is,” but I doubted anyone would get the January Man reference.
“Legendary Swedish film director Ingmar Bergman was switched at birth, according to DNA test results released yesterday by his niece. The analysis showed that Bergman, who died in 2007, and his mother, Karin, were not biologically related. Bergman’s niece, Veronica Ralston, discusses how this may have come to be in her new book, The Love Child and the Changeling.”
Incidentally, I’ll be hosting another double feature of mediocre films from the early 1980s next week. If you’re interested in coming over to watch Love Child and The Changeling, let me know.
Cindy Adams is off today.
During a speech at Cooper Union yesterday, Mayor Bloomberg asked the Republican-led state Senate about their opposition to gay marriage. “Do you want to be remembered as a leader on civil rights? Or an obstructionist?”
Oooh! I know the answer to this one! Obstructionist!
What do I win?
Ratko Mladic, 69, has finally been arrested by Serbian special forces after 16 years in hiding. “Despite a $19 million reward – including $5 million offered by the United States – Mladic had managed to live an almost normal life underground, even visiting Belgrade to see soccer matches and watch horse races.”
And what was he Mladic wanted for? Well, in 1995, the United Nations “tried to create a safe haven in the Bosnian town of Srebrenica,” but then-General Mladic “marched his troops past Dutch peacekeepers and ordered what survivors called the massacre of 8,000 men and boys.” He was also (allegedly) responsible for “hundreds of men buried alive, men and women mutilated and slaughtered, children killed before their mothers’ eyes, a grandfather forced to eat the liver of his own grandson…”
He once boasted “The Hague will not see me alive.” Here’s hoping that The Hague will see him put to death.
Slowly.
“Google Wallet turns Android-powered smartphones into a mobile payment system.”
Great! I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
Besides this, I mean.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Lou Lumenick gives three and a half stars to The Tree of Life (“a stunning exception to the rule that you can safely check your brain at the popcorn counter until after Labor Day”).
Kyle Smith gives three stars to both Spork (“has as much heart as Sixteen Candles”) and Hello Lonesome (“Few films celebrate ordinary, nice people – or are as wise about why basic kindness matters”), two and a half stars to Kung Fu Panda 2 (“I was pretty much starving [for laughs] pretty much all the way through. A lot of this movie is like an oxygen dumpling”), and zero stars to The Abduction of Zack Butterfield (“If Ed Wood had directed Silence of the Lambs, it might have been as unintentionally hilarious”).
V.A. Musetto gives three stars to the Japanese film United Red Army (violence), two stars to Puzzle (sexuality), and half a star to Tied to a Chair (violence).
B’also? If you were able to read snarkster Kyle Smith’s comment that “basic kindness matters” without laughing or wincing, I think you might be having a stroke.
The New York Yankees are 27-21 (.563) and the Boston Red Sox are 28-22 (.560), which means we’re still in first place! So what if it’s by .003%?
In other baseball news, San Francisco Giant Buster Posey “might be out for the season” after this (WARNING: graphic injury):
“Posey, who will need surgery, fractured a bone in his lower left leg and tore three ligaments in his ankle.” Damn.
In other other baseball news, “DUI and reckless driving charges in Atlanta were dismissed against Braves pitcher Derek Lowe because of lack of evidence.” In a related story, fans at Turner Field have started to notive a dramatic increase in the number of Atlanta police officers attending games.
The Miami Heat defeated the Chicago Bulls last night and have advanced to the NBA finals.
Which means that my almost-non-existent interest in basketball has now completely ceased to exist.
Better luck next year, Chicago.
And that, my friends, is Friday.
If you missed last week’s Let’s Have A Ball at the UCB, you missed a pretty amazing show. Zach Woods (The Office, In the Loop, The Other Guys) sat in and absolutely killed. He is expected to do so again this week (Saturday @ 7:30 p.m.) and reservations are still available.
I highly recommend that you cancel whatever plans you currently have and attend.
Have a great (Memorial Day!) weekend, ever’buddy.
Today’s only cover story is BLOCK BUSTER: SoHo rage over Will’s huge trailer. Apparently, Will Smith has two large movie trailers parked in SoHo (for the filming of Men in Black 3) and residents are angry. In the follow-up on pages 8 and 9, we learn that the 55′ trailer houses Mr. Smith’s “full-size gym” and the (two-story) 53′ one has marble floors, a full-service kitchen, an all-granite bathroom, a 100″ movie screen, 5 flat-panel TVs, and “an office big enough for 30 people to meet [in].”
My favorite line starts the 23rd (of 28) paragraph of the story: “In the same neighborhood, Smith is renting a five bedroom, 6.5-bathroom apartment for $25,000 a month.”
Which explains why he needs to park over 100 feet of luxury trailer in SoHo.
I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: That this is today’s cover story or that the four people writing it refer to movie a total of two times — once as Men in Black 3 and two paragraphs later as Men in Black III.
On page 2, we learn that Al Pacino has (allegedly) joined the cast of the Gotti: Three Generations (the John Travolta/Lindsay Lohan movie that has a really good shot at never starting production).
We also learn that the 2nd Avenue Deli (home of the “Instant Heart Attack Sandwich”) is suing the Arizona’s Heart Attack Grill (home of the “Quadruple Bypass Burger”) for threatening legal action against them after the Deli announced plans to add a “Triple Bypass Sandwich” to their menu.
(Fun Fact: The Post’s giant photo of a Heart Attack Grill “Triple Bypass Burger” has four hamburger patties, making it a Quadruple Bypass Burger. This is a really terrible newspaper.)
John Boehner has declared that the GOP will not support raising the debt ceiling unless “spending cuts equal to the amount of increase” are enacted (which is roughly $2,000,000,000,000 in cuts — that’s trillion with a tr).
Remember when the GOP accused the Democrats of holding the American people hostage? I forget what they were referring to, but I think it was right after the GOP threatened to shut down the government unless billionaires got to keep their tax cuts.
If the Democrats were media-savvy, they’d be hammering the GOP in ads that explain why the debt ceiling needs to be raised and what the GOP’s refusal to raise it would result in. But they aren’t, so they won’t.
For more on this subject, I highly recommend Jed Morey’s latest piece on jedmorey.com (“Capitalism and Regulation Are Not Mutually Exclusive“). Morey writes good.
And if that doesn’t get your dander sufficiently up, try Matt Taibbi’s latest piece in Rolling Stone (“The People vs. Goldman Sachs“). Taibbi writes good, too.
In an EXCLUSIVE follow-up of the saga of Jennifer Troiano (the Bronx prosecutor who has a[n alleged] penchant for driving drunk), “a police source” claims that when Troiano was arrested last August, she told officers to “Call Nestor; he’ll take care of this. He took care of it the last time.” “Nestor” is Nestor Ferreiro Jr., the chief of narcotics in the Bronx DA’s office, and “last time” refers to the 2009 DWI that (allegedly) disappeared.
Troiano’s attorney (Howard Weiswasser) “denied there was any incident in 2009 and predicted she’d be cleared in the 2010 case.”
The article also notes that “500 [cops] could face disciplinary action” in the current ticket-fixing investigation (for those of you keeping score at home).
Page 7 is chock-full of interesting stories.
Do-or-diet showdown features Weight Watchers’ reaction to Consumer Reports‘ claim that Jenny Craig is a much more effective way to lose weight. “[Jenny Craig] is highly processed, prepackaged foods. [Our system] is about adopting a healthier lifestyle.” There’s really only way to settle this once and for all — an eating contest!
Nude dude goes nuts on subway refers to a May 2nd incident on a 6 train that was captured on video. It’s posted below (but is extremely NSFW).
And when I saw the headline Rob victim dies, my first thought was, “What did my father do now?” But “Rob” is an abbreviation of “Robbery”… this time.
But the majority of page 7 is devoted to Laura Italiano’s HAMMERING AWAY AT THE ‘RAPE COP’, which reprints excerpts of Kenneth Moreno’s cross-examination by Assistant District Attorney Coleen Balbert.
BALBERT: “So you could go back there and take advantage of that drunk, helpless girl — that’s why you made that fake 911 call, isn’t it?”
MORENO: “I was just thinking about [the alleged victim]… I just wanted to let her know that I was going to be there for her. It seemed harmless at the time.”
(Later)
M: “She still wanted to know if we were going to have breakfast.”
B: “She’s still asking that, as she’s throwing up one last time?”
M: “She wasn’t throwing up. She was trying to throw up… and she brought up the breakfast thing.”
B: “She said to you, ‘I want to eat right now’? As she’s trying to throw up?”
M: “She didn’t say that. She said, ‘I want to have breakfast.’ I don’t know, maybe she wanted to get fresh air.
B: “Did you ever think of opening a window?”
The last question is clever, as all of the blinds in the apartment were (allegedly) lowered by Moreno and/or Mata so that no one could see them.
Moreno would later tell the jury, “I was also a human being. I’m not a machine.” Well at least he cleared that up.
Italiano also reports that, “The 13-year NYPD veteran appeared at times to loose his cool under Balbert’s repetitive, jackhammer attack.”
1) One can’t “loose” one’s cool. One can only lose it.
2) How ironic that a woman subjected Moreno to a repetitive jackhammer attack.
Michael Goodwin has a lot of animosity for Obama and the MTA today, but two of his mini-pieces caught my attention.
LIBERAL MAG-NETS laments that “the liberal-media industrial complex is celebrating itself again” — a reference to the fact that the finalists for the National Magazine Award for “reporting” (Goodwin adds the quotes around reporting to further show his contempt) were “a Harper’s piece suggesting three suicides among terrorist detainees at Gitmo were really homicides that were covered up, the Rolling Stone piece that got Gen. Stanley McChrystal fired, and The New Yorker hit [sic] job on the conservative Koch Brothers. The suicides at Gitmo won — and readers who want a more balanced view of the world should just get lost.” You know what would look awesome next to Goodwin’s page? One of Fox’s many ads about how they’re #1 in everything ever, with more readers/viewers/listeners than everyone else combined. Why won’t the lamestream media give conservatives a chance to share their views ever?
The other is Silly word games (reprinted in its entirety): “Language inflation is rising as fast as the price of gas. Did you know that ‘Secretary’s Day’ is now ‘Administrative Professionals Day’? You do now.” Hey, Michael! Did you know that it was changed to Administrative Professionals Day in 2000? You do now!
According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), Sarah Ferguson claims it was “difficult” dealing with not being invited to the Royal Wedding. “It was so hard because the last bride up that aisle was me. I really love the feeling that sort of [Princess] Diana and I both weren’t there.” Oh, Sarah. I wish you had even more in common with Diana.
In an unrelated story (also on page two of Page Six), “An NBC employee claims MSNBC host Ed Schultz owes him 25 percent of his TV earnings” because he claims he came up with the idea for The Ed Show.
And he has a napkin with “Fat Conservative Pretends To Be Liberal And Yells And Yells” written on it as proof.
South Carolina police arrested Robert Kennedy (not that one), 51, on assault charges. Here is Robert’s mug shot.
In case you can’t read the tattoo on his head, it says
WITH GOD ALL THINGS
ARE POSSIBLE
GOD LOVES YOU
Please forgive me if I say or do anything stupid
Thank you!
Amen.
Fun Fact: According to Claire Atkinson’s Disney’s debacle, the animated movie Mars Needs Moms made $81,000,000 at the box office (hooray!) but cost $265,000,000 to make.
According to BoxOfficeMojo.com, however, the film had a production budget of just $150,000,000, and made $20,909,587 in the US and $15,800,000 everywhere else. That adds up to… $36,709,587. So, unless Disney sold the TV/cable rights for roughly $45,000,000, Claire’s math is off. By a lot.
B’also? When it opened in England, was it called Mars Needs Mums?
Fox has announced that House will return for an eighth season, but Hugh Laurie says it will (probably) be his last.
I’d be thrilled by the first half of that sentence, but I’ve been watching it since it first started airing — including the last two seasons. So I’m actually more excited by the second half.
“A year after he died, Gary Coleman’s body has still not been buried, according to his former agent. A court battle between Coleman’s ex-wife and his parents over his estate has kept the remains of the ill-fated, former child star in legal limbo.”
Who will win Gary’s estate — “[its] major assets appear to be a home in Utah valued at $315,000 and a collection of toy trains” — and when she/they do, will they please bury him?
And that’s Wednesday.
Besides a tiny photo of someone the New York Giants got in the NFL Draft (yawn.) and a gigantic Official portrait of Prince William and Kate Middleton (YAWN.), the front page belongs to ‘FREE’ DRINKS: Cops save ADA from DWI bust.
“A Bronx assistant district attorney [Jennifer Troiano] suspected of driving drunk was brought into a police station house — but sent home with no charges filed after someone made a call on her behalf, The Post has learned. No paperwork was generated and no arrest number was ever assigned.” This EXCLUSIVE story by Jamie Schram, Kristan Conley and Vinita Singla goes on to discuss Troiano’s 2010 DWI bust (she was involved in a three-car crash on the Major Deegan and the arresting officer claimed “she was stumbling, falling down unable [sic] to get her balance” — and refused to take a Breathalyzer). But it’s the penultimate paragraph that made my jaw drop — we have a new number in the ticket-fixing investigation (though it might seem familiar).
“At least 40 Bronx cops face criminal charges, and as many as 400 cops from around the city face internal disciplinary actions.”
Congratulation to the as many as 100 cops who have been acquitted.
The tornado death toll in the South is now at “at least 297.”
“An 8-year-old boy brought a loaded 9mm handgun to his Queens elementary school [PS 107 in Flushing] yesterday and sold it to a fellow third-grader for $3.”
The seller has already been offered a job at Kmart.
NASA Administrator Charlie Bolden spoke to reporters about Gabrielle Giffords (who is attending the liftoff of the space shuttle Endeavour — her husband, Mark Kelly, is the mission commander).
“Her story… is like the space program: It’s a triumph of good over evil.”
Wait… what? Lay off the space cakes, Chuck.
Are you sitting down?
In May 2004, James Seiferheld retired from the Armonk police force (after 12 years) and got a “three-quarters-pay, tax-free pension for ‘line of duty’ injuries he claimed he suffered falling on ice and snow.” A month later, an NYPD official learns that Seiferheld is “performing construction work on a daily basis” and reports him. He is investigated and the trustees of the police pension fund refer the case to the NYPD Medical Board who, in May 2005, concluded that his condition “has improved dramatically.” The trustees refer the case to the Medical Board two more times. In September of 2006, the board noted that Seiferheld “seems to have made a remarkable recovery from his injury.” In April 2007, the pension trustees voted to return Seiferheld to active duty.
“But on July 6, 2007, he was ‘medically disqualified’ when he was found to have cocaine residue in his hair. That led the city’s Law Department to strip him of his pension on July 12, 2007.” Quite a story, huh? It gets worse.
Seiferheld “then went to the state Appellate Division, where he won, sparking an appeal by the city to the state’s highest court. The judges rejected the city’s appeal, saying the Law Department did not have the authority to unilaterally take his pension. The ruling said only the trustees could do that. Not only will he get his yearly pension, he’s also seeking the benefits he was denied for the past four years.”
Your tax dollars at work in the pockets of a lying jerk.
According to S.A. Miller, “President Obama is in a dead heat with any Republican challenger” in Pennsylvania.
“In a mythical match-up, Obama gets 40 percent to an unnamed Republican challenger’s 41 percent.”
It easy to say you’d vote for the Republican running against Obama if that candidate isn’t named. I wonder what happens to the numbers when you replace the “mythical unnamed challenger” with actual people like “Donald Trump” or “Mike Huckabee” or “Mitt Romney” or any of the other wince-inducers currently vying for the nomination.
Cindy Adams’ Feeling a bit dopey has too much disturbing nonsense for me to re-type. Time for the ol’ cut-and-also-paste!
“I am not inherently stupid. I am capable of certain small tasks. Like I can open a pistachio nut without cracking my teeth. At times I have opened full 2- pound bags of pistachio nuts without cracking my teeth. Clearly, I have talents. So let nobody label me dumb. Possibly ‘limited’ would be more apt. Maybe ‘challenged.’ My situation is, I look in awe at the simplicity of opening and closing a window. I wonder, how does that work? Push it up, it rises. Pull it down, it lowers. Position the thing halfway, it stays. How this operates is beyond my comprehension.” I swear I’m not making this up.
“The buzzer or bell. Which type brain masterminded jamming your finger onto a little gizmo, which then results in noise, which somehow activates a body inside, which then opens a door.” Um… the type that can grasp basic concepts?
“I mean, take Nancy Neanderthal down at the riverbed in BC washing her caveman’s loincloth against the rocks. Maybe, tired of that slob dropping his frozen Birds Eye dinner peas, she invented a utensil that beats scooping them up with his rusty Boy Scout knife. Forget Purelle. Even Duz Detergent isn’t PC when you’re having Mr. & Mrs. Cro-Magnon over for potluck. His manners were a shame for the neighbors. Thus was born the idea of a fork.” Fun Fact: Purelle doesn’t make hand sanitizer. That’s Purell. Purelle cleans air ducts. B’also? Do you think even Cindy understands what she’s saying? She spends the second half of her column ranting about her new cellphone.
“Doesn’t pay to call me because I cannot yet learn to retrieve messages.”
Don’t bother learning, Cindy. You won’t be using it for much longer.
“A Georgia teacher was busted for giving students an anatomy lesson. The teacher had just learned that his contract would not be renewed, so he stripped all his clothes off and walked around the halls of B.C. Haynie Elementary School naked. He reportedly told cops that ‘he wanted everyone to be free after his third eye was open.’”
I think I’m starting to understand why his contract wasn’t renewed.
Most of page 25 is devoted to JUSTICE & THE AMERICAN NAY, which reports that Superman will renounce his US citizenship (at least, that’s what the fictional alien tells the fictional national security adviser in Action Comics #900). The article explains that, if Superman makes good on his threat, it would be “‘irrevocable.’ It ‘cannot be canceled or set aside,’ according to the US State Department.”
“Hello, US State Department.”
“Hi. I’m Dareh Gregorian from the New York Post. I have some questions…”
“About Libya?”
“Nope.”
“Syria?”
“Nope.”
“Iran?”
“No, I need to speak to about Superman.”
“…”
“Hello?”
“Did… did you say Superman?”
“Yes… this is a terrible newspaper.”
The editorial The Un-American Way makes it clear that the Post is not happy that the make-believe Kryptonian is renouncing his make-believe citizenship in a comic book. “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless superhero. That would be you, Superman — you ingrate… Why don’t you just move to France?”
That’s telling him, Post!
Today’s least intelligent letter-writer is… a tie!
Steve Naclerio, of Hartsdale, writes, “Did Obama get one of those gag winning lottery tickets when he went and purchased that birth certificate?” Pretty ignorant, right? But is it moreso than the following letter from Manhattan’s David Bergstein?
“In a mere two weeks, Trump completed a job that legions of others tried to do for three years. But if Trump is such a ‘clown,’ how was he able to force the president’s hand? What could a President Trump, with the full resources of the government, accomplish in four years?”
Bill O’Reilly is angry that the Rev. Wallace Charles Smith once said that Jim Crow “doesn’t have to wear white robes anymore because now he can wear the protective cover of talk radio, or a regular news program on Fox.”
Bill responds, “I’ve worked at Fox News for nearly 15 years and don’t know any racists on or off the air. At the very least, Smith is irresponsible in making that statement.”
I respond with an audio clip that’s less than four years old.
At the very least, O’Reilly should not be allowed to have any more motherfucking iced tea.
MOVIE REVIEWS!
Kyle Smith gives one and a half stars to Fast Five (“a knucklehead Ocean’s 11“), half a star to Hoodwinked Too! Hood Vs. Evil (“This thing is to cinema what the 1961 Corvair was to cars.”), and one and a half stars to both Exporting Raymond (“has the feel of a weary business trip”) and Lebanon, Pa. (“like one of those dull message movies that TV networks used to crank out”).
Lou Lumenick gives two stars to Prom (“strenuously inoffensive”), three and a half stars to Cave of Forgotten Dreams (“Don’t miss it.”), three stars to That’s What I Am (“an entertaining, well-made plea for tolerance”), and two stars to Sympathy for Delicious (“interesting but never compelling”).
V.A. Musetto gives three and a half stars to 13 Assassins (violence, gore, nudity), three stars to The Robber (violence, sex, nudity), and two stars to Earthwork (mature themes).
Pete Hammond calls Fast Five “THE BEST ONE YET — A HARD-DRIVING, ADRENALINE-PUMPING BLAST.”
NBC is “in negotiations to pick up a 22-episode series based on [The Firm].”
“The series is set 10 years after the events of the movie.”
They’re currently casting the show. And I’m currently trying to think of who they’d have to hire for me to want to watch it.
Linda 3Starsi reviews Who Killed Chandra Levy?
She gives it… three stars.
AMC (which stands for American Movie Classics) is showing Death Wish 4: The Crackdown tonight at 6:00 p.m., followed by Death Wish V: The Face of Death at 8:00 p.m.
At 10:00 p.m., there’s an encore showing of Death Wish V: The Face of Death.
Fun Fact: Death Wish V was shot in Canada.
And that’s Friday.
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