Posts Tagged ‘YouTube’

Longtime reader Scott F. in California has sent me a YouTube clip of Cindy Adams’ recent appearance on TV. Do not watch if you have just eaten or are about to eat:

As someone who reads the Post every day, I recognize almost everything she says from her columns (though the fact that she [allegedly] wrote it herself doesn’t seem to help her deliver it competently). But it made me realize that I have never searched for any video clips of her before. So I looked on YouTube and found this:

It isn’t really a video, true, but it did introduce me to this:

Notice the part at the bottom: “The hilarious adventures of Mr. and Mrs.” Nice typesetting, MGM!

In case any of you were wondering what to get me for Christmas 2012, I really, really want Cindy Adams to die.

This is the cover in the Post’s cover archives:

But the one I got has a much darker picture:

It also has a thumb.

Yes, the NYPD raided Zuccotti Park (a few hours after I left my clinic’s grand opening) and evicted everyone that was there. Here’s some video that was shot in front of my clinic:

There are a lot of other videos, but most of them are shaky and/or have bad sound (that’s what happens when Mayor Bloomberg doesn’t let professional journalists and news crews in to do their jobs). Lots of screaming, lots of protesters being punched, thrown to the ground, bloodied… but the Post devotes almost all of pages 4 and 5 to Breasts, but no bust, for Zuccotti Pk. gal’s naked aggression. Laura Cavanaugh’s photo alone takes up more than half of page 5:

(The caption is 99% NUDE: A cop locks his eyes forward yesterday as an Occupy Wall Street protester bares her, um, grievances in Zuccotti Park.)

“Despite the fact that it is against the law in New York City to expose your genitals — an act punishable by summons or arrest — NYPD officers completely ignored the woman — instead focusing only on gawkers who stopped to take photos, ordering them to move along.” Even the police recognized that this was a non-story, but it still gets more coverage than last night’s raid.

B’also? The Post names Bill Csapos, 57, a disabled construction worker from Tennessee, first as an “organizer” of OWS and then as “the leader.”

And Erik Kriss’ slim article next to the photo of the naked lady (DA lets Albany ralliers slide) begins, “State Police are making good on Gov. Cuomo’s vow to arrest Occupy Albany protesters who defy the curfew at a state park at the Capitol, but the district attorney is refusing to prosecute the cases.” And who is that DA again? “David Soares, the ultra-liberal Democrat whose campaign for office was bankrolled by lefty billionaire George Soros.” It’s important to know that George Soros funded Soares’ campaign because Soros is evil because he’s very rich and uses his money to help politicians he agrees with. Not like those nice Koch Brothers, who the Post has never written (and will never write) an unkind word about.

Patti LaBelle is being sued by a neighbor [Roseanna Monk] who claims that the singer shouted profanities at her so loudly that it frightened her 18-month-old “so badly she suffered ‘personality changes, sleep disorder’ and ‘increased fear of strangers’… [Her daughter] was crying so hard she vomited, Monk said.”

[insert joke about LaBelle "wigging out"]

Jerry Sandusky’s attorney, 63-year-old Joe Amendola, “was the attorney on Mary Iavasile’s emancipation petition filed Sept. 3, 1996, just weeks before her 17th birthday… That’s approximately when Iavasile became pregnant with Amendola’s child.”

The prosecution rests.

The MTA is claiming that their brilliant plan to remove garbage cans from a handful of subway stations is a success.

“‘So far we are not seeing a greater amount of trash [left behind],’ said New York City Transit President Thomas Prendergast… ‘The number of bags that we generate [for removal] is down about a third.”

So there’s only two-thirds as much garbage in stations that have no garbage cans. Only the MTA could call that a success.

In a somewhat related story, there have been 200% more rapes and 300% more burglaries on subways in 2011 than there were in 2010.

Keep up the incredibly shoddy work, guys.

Page Six (today on pages 20 and 21) refers to Michael Moore as “the ‘1-percent filmmaker’ who’s under scrutiny for owning a lavish lakefront home in Michigan and a Park Avenue pad.”

What does Moore’s net worth have to do with the argument he’s making? In fact, wouldn’t a person demanding higher taxes on the wealthy be considered more noble if he was wealthy?

This is a terrible newspaper.

More MTA news!

Nancy Shevell “skipped the boring old MTA committee meeting yesterday after a weekend of globetrotting with hubby Paul McCartney.”

Why is she still on the MTA’s board? Does anyone know? Is it because the rest of the board cares just as little as she does?

Over on page 36, Geoff Earle reports (in an article smaller than the Sudoku puzzle next to it) that Sharon Bialek’s ex-boyfriend (Dr. Victor Zuckerman) has come forward to corroborate her claim that she was sexually harassed by Herman Cain.

In a related story, Carl Campanile reports that Cain told GQ magazine that “A manly man don’t want [a pizza] piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.”

Cain is becoming the kind of candidate that most people would like to throw a beer at.

Rich Lowry’s ‘Lazy’ Isn’t America’s Problem begins, “President Obama was wrong to say at the Asia-Pacific economic summit that America has gotten ‘lazy’ in the last few decades at attracting foreign investment.”

That sentence is full of words. Rick Perry? Can you translate it for me?

“That’s what our president thinks wrong [sic] with America? That Americans are lazy? That’s pathetic.” So says the governor of Texas. But is that really what Obama said? I’ll let Lawrence O’Donnell take it from here.

Why do I have a hunch that most of the people who read the Post (and watch Fox) will come away from articles like this one thinking that Obama called them lazy?

The editorial Time’s Up, Children applauds Bloomberg’s raid last night, calling it “a long-overdue fumigation of the festering mess at Zuccotti Park.” It further justifies the mass eviction with “Threats to disrupt rush-hour subway service appeared on fliers around Lower Manhattan. Just who was responsible for them wasn’t clear…”

…but kudos to Bloomberg for assuming it was a credible threat and that it was made by Occupy Wall Street.

“But the fact is that no right — the First Amendment included — is absolute.”

Unless it’s the right to bear arms.

The PULSE section features a three-page piece on what the best new toys are this season and who you should buy them for. For example, Ugly Ted is a teddy bear “so ugly that he’s actually adorable. And so is his message — to teach kids to treat others with love and respect, no matter who they are or how they look.” And who does author Wendy Straker Hauser recommend you buy Ugly Ted for?

“BUDDING POLITICIANS.”

And that’s Tuesday.

More to come…

“Penn State fans defiantly supported their fired coach Joe Paterno yesterday, chanting ‘JoePa!’ during the Nittany Lions’ 17-14 loss to Nebraska.” I find it amusing that the Post is chastising college students for their blind allegiance to Joe Paterno while continuing their blind allegiance to the GOP and their failed policies.

Stones, glass houses, pot, kettle, etc.

“The Bronx’s largest gay-rights group [Bronx Pride] is unfurling its rainbow flag tomorrow at its new headquarters — ironically located in a building funded by, and named after, the city’s No. 1 gay-marriage opponent, state Sen. Ruben Diaz [the Rev. Ruben Diaz Gardens].”

This makes me so happy.

“Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi resigned yesterday.”

Farewell, grotesque lech. We hardly knew ye. But still we knew too much.

Candice M. Giove’s EXCLUSIVE on page 8, Dollars and dissents: OWS costs local biz … $479,000! begins, “It makes no cents. The Occupy Wall Street movement has cost surrounding businesses $479,000 so far, store owners said.” The store owners don’t offer any proof to back up that figure, but who needs proof when you’re writing a story for the New York Post?

Bottom line: The OWS protesters are all filthy and ignorant and costing honest businesspeople lots of money.

Case closed!

B’also? I just saw this (NSFW) video on Facebook. It’s well worth 15 minutes of your time:

“Actress Piper Laurie describes Ronald Reagan — who played her dad in a movie and then bedded the 18-year-old virgin off the set — as an insensitive ’show-off’ in bed in her new memoir, Learning to Live Out Loud.”

“‘It was my first love affair,’ she said. But the bedroom romp later that night was ‘without grace. He made sure I was aware of the length of time he had been “ardent.” It was 40 minutes,’ she writes. ‘And he told me how much the condom cost.’ Then, sensing Laurie was less than enthused by the experience, he insulted her. ‘There’s something wrong with you. You should have had many orgasms by now — after all this time. You’ve got to see a doctor,’ he said.”

No wonder the GOP considers Reagan a hero — when today’s middle- and lower-class complain about getting fucked by the policies of the GOP, the GOP tells them they’re crazy and they should actually be grateful.

“Thousands of New Yorkers may have been exposed to cancer-causing drinking water aboard a flotilla of luxury cruise liners, according to a bombshell report. A defective paint was used inside water tanks on as many as 50 ships owned by Royal Caribbean, Norwegian Cruise Line and other companies, according to the Sunday Times of London.”

The manufacturer of the paint (Hempel) was able to hide the fact that the paint was “capable of leeching the toxin acrylonitrile — a tumor-causing probable carcinogen — into the water” because of a court order designed to “gag whistle-blower Brian Bradford.”

“Bradford discovered a black residue on tanks, told Norwegian Cruise lines about it, and was axed.”

I wonder if I can sue the Post for sending me on that cruise years ago…

“A Japanese toilet maker has built the Neo, a part-motorcycle, part-porcelain throne that is powered by sewage and includes a giant roll of TP on the back.”

I found a picture of it at Oddity Central:

Imagine driving down a highway and being flagged down by someone who begs you to crap in his motorcycle.

(Fun Lie: That was the original chorus of John Lennon’s “Imagine.”)

Page Six is on page 16 today.

“Seven New Yorkers have filed claims totaling $27 million against the city and the MTA for injuries caused by cracked sidewalks on a 14-block span of the Upper East Side, where construction of the Second Avenue Subway is under way.”

And they’ll get at least half that.

And the MTA will use that as an excuse for the inevitable delay of the line’s completion.

ASK ASHLEY!

Money has been super-tight lately. I feel pretty comfortable during budget-tightening times. I like brown rice enough, and cheap beer is fine by me. I’ve just started dating a girl I really like, and I want to be able to do special things for her. She’s down to earth, so it’s not like she’ll bolt if I don’t go all-out, but I’d still like to impress her. Do you have a couple of suggestions for knock-her-socks-off dates that won’t make me go broke? — Glenn, Williamsburg

ASHLEY: “The good news is you can totally impress her using just your charm and a little brainstorming.”

ME: “The bad news is you’re incapable of brainstorming, which is why you’re asking a hooker for dating ideas.”

ASHLEY: “It’s not so much where you go or what you do. If you two are compatible, it will make Shake Shack your own personal Babbo.”

ME: “Only a prostitute would select Shake Shack as a place to have a cheap, romantic date. It’s always crowded, it’s overpriced and it isn’t as good as the hype… just like Ashley Dupre’s vagina. (rimshot)”

A cute guy has asked me out a few times via Facebook and text. Each time I say, sure. Then he disappears until I get another message from him weeks or months later saying, “We never went out. Are you still game?” I feel like Charlie Brown having the football pulled away. He just reached out again. Do I reply? — Bella, Fort Greene

ASHLEY: “Yes, reply, but carefully.”

ME: “No, unless you take pride in being a doormat.”

Chazz Palminteri claims that his love of the New York Yankees prevents him from ever wearing another team’s paraphernalia. Ever.

“There were a couple of movies where they wanted me to wear a Mets hat and I said ‘no.’ And the director was really insistent and I said, ‘Look, get somebody else. I can’t wear the hat.’ And they said, ‘Chazz, you’re a character. It’s not you.’ I said, ‘I can’t put it on. I can’t do it’… I couldn’t put on another uniform unless it was a Yankee hat or a Yankee uniform. I swear on my mother and father I couldn’t do it.”

I’m going to watch A Bronx Tale again, to pay tribute to this wonderful man. And also to see that actor who’s in prison for robbing a house with the guy who shot a cop as they were escaping.

And that’s Sunday.

More to come…

Jimmy Breslin wrote a piece about Occupy Wall Street for the Daily News which ran on Saturday.

It’s a refreshing counter-balance to the yellow journalism I read every day in the Post. Do yourself a favor and read it (by clicking here).

And now, the Post.

I don’t care about football.

“New York regulators approved hikes averaging 8 percent in health insurance premiums for next year following requests by the companies. The firms had sought an average increase of 12.7 percent… Last year, the state approved a 10 percent increase. Insurance companies sought an average increase of 14 percent.”

Good thing we don’t have a public option, huh?

Fun Fact: Health Now/Blue Cross asked for an increase of 6.5% and got it. Oxford asked for 19.4% and got 8%. Aetna asked for 14% and got 4.3%.

One of John Lennon’s teeth was sold at auction last Saturday night. Canadian dentist Michael Zuk bought it for $31,200. Here’s a picture of it:

Zuk is reportedly hoping to use it to show his patients the importance of flossing and avoiding Yoko Ono.

Fredric, You Dicker U. Dicker and Chuck Bennett’s EXCLUSIVE on page 4 (It’s Wall your fault: Low-bonus bummer for state tax haul) begins, “The struggling economy has slimmed down the salaries and bonuses of many Wall Street fat cats that state coffers are taking a huge hit.” I’m offended by their use of the term “fat cats.” Goldman Sachs employees are earning an average of just $390,000 this year (it was $430,000 last year) and JPMorgan Chase employees are making an average of only $360,000 (it was $370,000 last year). How the Hell are these poor souls supposed to get by on just $360,000 – $390,000 a year?

“‘A lot of Wall Street people are really scared and worried,’ said another source. ‘They know their incomes are coming down because of the bonus cuts. They know thousands more may be fired. They’re worried about Europe, which they think could collapse, and they’re being victimized by the Occupy morons, who are being encouraged by the president.’”

The Occupy morons. Classy. Oh, and those bonus cuts? They’ve been slashed to a paltry average of $100,000.

I’ve sorry my wife and I donated all of those clothes to the protesters. It sounds like the people they’re protesting need help, too.

“Cooperstown, home to the Baseball Hall of Fame, has thrown hydrofracking supporters a curve — with a local law banning the controversial practice… And nearly three dozen other municipalities may follow suit.”

“The oil and gas industries insist that state law trumps local ordinances.” And they should know, since they write most of our laws.

There are two anti-Occupy Wall Street pieces on page 6 (not to be confused with Page Six, today on pages 12 and 13), each with three credited writers. The first piece notes that “the number of vagrants, criminals and wackos squatting in [Zuccotti Park] has soared since the protest started Sept. 17.” I haven’t read that since yesterday!

The other piece (It’s crime all the time at Zuccotti Park) begins, “Tent City is becoming Camp Crime.”

Let’s all watch this again, shall we? Just to remind ourselves why there are protesters in Zuccotti Park.

Carl Campanile’s Pay potties pooh-poohed informs us that Mayor Bloomberg’s plan to install 20 public pay toilets has been flushed shelved due, in part, to “community opposition” (“others worry that the Department of Transportation project will attract vagrants and crime to their neighborhoods”).

Because if there’s one thing that draws vagrants and criminals like moths to a flame, it’s pay toilets.

Reuven Fenton’s Tot’s foot found on Qns. lawn: Neighbors chilled begins, “A man taking out the garbage at his Queens home yesterday night made a horrifying discovery — a child’s severed foot on the lawn. Police believe it belonged to a 3- or 4-year-old whose gender was not immediately clear.”

Don’t worry. I’ve already read tomorrow’s paper. It isn’t a child’s foot.

Can you spot Sally Goldenberg’s typo?

“The city Department of Environmental today will introduce a four-year efficiency plan expected to slash future hikes.”

Mike Vaccaro follows up on the Jerry Sandusky story and how Joe Paterno might be somewhat culpable for some of Sandusky’s actions.

“The most damnable of the charges against Sandusky stems from a 2002 incident in which a Penn State graduate assistant walked in on Sandusky as he was allegedly engaged in an act with a 10-year-old boy. The grad assistant, horrified by what he saw, called his father, who told him to tell Paterno. Paterno, in turn, reported what he was told to school authorities.” But not the police.

Bonus Points: Jerry Sandusky’s autobiography was published in 2001.

Touched by Jerry Sandusky.

In Cain’s slip is showing: Sex-rap fallout, S.A. Miller reports that Herman Cain’s popularity has slipped from 66% to 57% due to the two three four five women who have come forward with allegations of sexual harassment.

That’s a loss of nine(-nine-nine) percent.

Andrea Peyser’s Skank Trio plays the tramp card is about Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian and Mariah Yeater (who you may recall were labeled SKANK #1, SKANK #2 and SKANK #3 in a two-page spread a few days ago). The woman-hating Peyser briefly recaps the recent news regarding these three women (Lindsay and Kim get two sentences, Mariah gets three) before ending on a non-sequitur worthy of Cindy Adams: “They let skanks out in daylight?”

Justin Bieber is taking a DNA test in two weeks. I sincerely doubt Yeater’s baby is his. BUT if it is, will Mandrea apologize to her? Methinks not.

The hard-to-look-at wife of a suspected child molester also tells us that “it’s time to shut down the Zuccotti Park crime scene” in her Time to pull the plug on the thugs.

This is a photo of Mandrea and her husband. She’s trying to smile. He’s thinking of children.

It takes Cindy Adams only six sentences to mention Lindsay Lohan.

And far too long to die.

Republican Bert Mathes, 34, is running for town justice of Barre in western New York. He is running against the incumbent, Democrat John Henderson, 73. Henderson is Mathes’ grandfather.

Nice family values there, Bert.

Elberon, New Jersey’s Ken Robinson writes in to declare, “If you are on the fence about the legitimacy of the Occupy Wall Street protesters, their silence regarding [Jon] Corzine and MF Global should leave no doubt as to their true raison d’etre.”

Damnit, he’s right! The fact that OWS hasn’t held a press conference about Jon Corzine is proof of their illegitimacy!

Well, it was fun while it lasted. Shut ‘er down, boys.

And that’s Monday.

More to come…

The two pages of follow-up (GOONS OCCUPY BRAWL STREET) tell the story of a “deranged homeless man” going “on a violent, early-morning rampage yesterday.”

“The only thing that could stop Jeremy Clinch from his Godzilla-like rampage was a left hook delivered by a paranoid fellow protester who claimed to be an ex-Turkish diplomat — and charged that his assailant was carrying out a plot hatched by Mayor Bloomberg.”

“It was just the type of increasingly violent incident that has downtown residents — already bombarded by megaphones, incessant drumming, graffiti and public urination — feeling on edge as the OWS takeover of Zuccotti Park enters its third month.”

Isn’t it amazing that Kevin Fasick (or KEVINFASICK as the byline reads) was there at just the right time to videotape the fight (it’s on the Post’s Web site)? Saki Knafo thinks not. Read his rebuttal here.

Todd Venezia, Danny Gold and Carl Campanile join forces to write Mama’s boys on the rise, which begins, “Forget about ‘Go west, young man’ — today the battle cry for the younger generation is ‘Move back in with Mama!’”

“The epidemic of mama’s boys has struck both New York City and the country as a whole, as the terrible economy and massive unemployment have forced grown men back into their childhood bedrooms.”

I blame gay marriage.

Andy Soltis finally gets around to reporting on Occupy Oakland — can you guess what he focuses on? The headline offers a strong hint: Pressure cooker pops in Oakland. It begins, “More than 80 Occupy Oakland protesters were arrested yesterday after a peaceful rally turned into a violent postmidnight [sic] clash between police and masked, fire-setting, concrete-tossing vandals.”

“Hundreds of police officers flooded the area, two blocks from an Occupy encampment and fired tear-gas and deafening ‘flash bang’ grenades.”

The 16th paragraph (of 19): “Police were almost invisible during most of Wednesday as crowds of up to 7,000 people marched and rallied in what was described as a general strike.”

Thanks for the condescending acknowledgement, Andy!

Kevin Fasick is back (with Bob Fredericks) for more anti-OWS fun on page 7 with SACHS AND SEX ADD TO INSANITY.

“It’s gone from simple chaos to sheer madness. The violence and depravity continued to mount at the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, as cops busted 16 people for blocking the entrance to Goldman Sachs and an Alabama woman came forward to report another sick sex attack at Zuccotti Park.”

If you are a woman who say someone sexually harassed you in Zuccotti Park, the Post will champion you. But if you say you were sexually harassed by Herman Cain, you’re a liar and proof that liberals are racists.

Speaking of which…

“[Cain's chief of staff Mark] Block said he wants to ‘move on’ with the campaign, adding, ‘Let’s get over these things that don’t mean anything to the American public.”

“Cain kept up his defiant stance yesterday in a Daily Caller interview with Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. ‘That is the DC culture: guilty until proven innocent,’ Cain vented.”

Cain, who says he refuses to play the race card (despite insisting that all opposition to his 9-9-9 plan and all accusations of sexual harassment are based in racism), decided to sit down for an interview with the wife of Clarence Thomas — who called his confirmation hearings “a high-tech lynching for uppity Blacks.” Let’s watch Thomas say that in an ad for Herman Cain (who refuses to play the race card):

91-year-old Coney Island Bialys and Bagels was going to go out of business, but it was saved by… “Muslim businessmen Peerzada Shah and Zafaryab Ali.”

Muslims? Running a kosher bagelry? Now I’ve seen everything!

“LA Dr. Gregg Homer has conjured up a new procedure that uses a laser to permanently change brown eyes into blue ones — and has even started testing on human subjects.”

He said he got the idea from Josef Mengele.

“A brave Brooklyn woman stared down the man who allegedly raped her, as the alleged attacker, acting as his own lawyer, sat in court at his rape trial yesterday. Adam Wright is charged with raping the woman in the elevator room on the roof of her Canarsie apartment building in 2002 — when she was 12 years old… The woman testified for the prosecution yesterday and is expected to face Wright’s cross-examination today.”

There ought to be a law against that.

“Country singer Keith Urban said yesterday he’ll undergo throat surgery to remove a polyp on his vocal chords.”

That’s what he’s telling people but, really, he just needs a break from constantly denying that his wife’s plastic surgery is horrible.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), “Richie Sambora last night confirmed that he and Denise Richards have rekindled their romance.”

I wish them both the best during the next two to four months.

Today, Cindy Adams complains about holidays and hotels.

“Why’s a hanger clamped in? Who ever stole a hanger? That’s like locking a toilet. You know anyone ever stole a piece of poop?” Die.

“I’m hearing more holidays may be coming down: In 1930, Herbert Hoover stubbed his toe, shouted ‘Dam’ and they built one. Shouldn’t that be remembered? People ran for tickets when Powerball lottery hit more than $200 mil, although winning chances were 80 million-to-1. Same odds as Jennifer Lopez giving birth to Richard Simmons’ love child. Shouldn’t such a moment be enshrined?”

Four people are credited with GIVING UP THE ‘BIEBY’: ‘Justin’ vixen mulled adoption. They could have really used a fifth.

“‘She didn’t know if she was going to keep him,’ Samra Fae Stepper told The Post at her Fredericksburg, Va., home… ‘We kept asking about the father, but I didn’t press it,’ said Stepper, whose brother Anthony Simeonoff is Yeater’s stepdad.”

Fascinating.

There’s yet still more OWS-bashing from Rich Lowry on page 31 (It’ll Only Get Uglier: ‘Occupy’ primed for violence).

“It’s become clear during the past few weeks that there is a lawlessness at the heart of Occupy Wall Street. It has created little ungoverned spaces in cities around the country, into which homeless people, addicts and criminals have flowed.”

“Mere protests probably won’t satisfy the movement, though. It is a self-styled ‘occupation,’ which inherently involves taking what is not yours. It’s already ugly and will probably get more so.”

Actually, the movement is about taking back what was stolen from us. But we’ve established that you only write about current events — you rarely understand them.

And the rest of page 31 is devoted to Charles C.W. Cooke’s In New York, the Enablers Wake Up.

“There’s increasing concern that the authorities have made a rod for their own backs. ‘Are we seriously suggesting that if a jihadist or neo-Nazi group moved in, they’d have been indulged like this?’ one [community] board member asked pointedly.”

Occupy Wall Street ≠ jihadists. Occupy Wall Street ≠ neo-Nazis. And what the Hell does “made a rod for their own backs” mean?

The editorial Call the Cops, Mike is also about “the very real possibility that even greater OWS violence… will soon bubble up here.” But the Post offers a completely rational solution: “Send in the NYPD to lance the Zuccotti Park boil. Before it’s too late.”

Don’t mince words. Tell us how you really feel, terrible newspaper.

Manhattan’s Vivian Riffelmacher writes, “It’s time to send in the troops to clear out Tiananmen Square — I mean Zuccotti Park. We believe in freedom of speech and all that stuff, but protesters should never be such a nuisance.”

Um… Vivian? If Zuccotti Park is Tiananmen Square, does that mean the NYPD are anti-democracy?

Crude oil is back up to $94.07/barrel.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives three and a half stars to Tower Heist (“cunningly engineered”), three stars to Killing Bono (“a charming admixture [sic] of Goodfellas and Almost Famous“), and two and a half stars to Pianomania (“an enticing but flawed character study”).

Lou Lumenick gives one star to The Son of No One (“a laughable police melodrama… ineptly written and directed”), and three stars to both A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (“there are moments of brilliance”) and The Last Rites of Joe May (“Dennis Farina gives one of the best performances of the year”).

V.A. Musetto gives two stars to Young Goethe in Love (sex, violence) and three stars to Charlotte Rampling: The Look (nudity).

Linda 3Starsi reviews Logo’s Bad Sex.

She gives it…

…three stars.

And that’s Friday.

I was going to post a clip of Donald Trump accusing Jon Stewart of being extremely racist toward Herman Cain in last night’s episode of The Daily Show — for joking that he kidnapped the Lindbergh baby (seriously) — but people already pay far too much attention to Donald Trump.

Then I was going to post the YouTube clip of Aransas County (in Texas, of course) Court-At-Law Judge William Adams beating his then-16-year-old daughter, Hillary (who was born with ataxic cerebral palsy), for downloading video games on her computer, but it’s seven-and-a-half minutes of (verbal and physical) child abuse. I’m amazed it hasn’t been taken down yet. (Feel free to look for it yourself.)

So this is all you get. Great first day of work. Looking forward to many, many more.

I promise I’ll play catch-up tomorrow.

G’night!

…remember when I said I’d catch up today?

I lied. I am exhausted and I have to be up at 6:30 a.m.

But I will give you this:

and this:

Also, Wonkette shared The Washington Post’s coverage of the Occupy Oakland riot that put a veteran in the hospital in critical condition:

and here’s Chris Hedges and Amy Goodman on Charlie Rose (Part One):

(Part Two):

And now I sleep.

I only care about the LIRR story.

“A slew of perfectly healthy former Long Island Rail Road workers lied about being disabled on the job in a $1 billion pension scam, federal prosecutors charged yesterday.”

“Eleven suspects were charged: six retired workers, two orthopedists and three so-called ‘facilitators’ — a former union official, an ex-federal railroad administrator and a doctor’s-office manager. More arrests are likely down the line.”

“The arrests yesterday came on the heels of investigations by Congress and the New York attorney general into how nearly 90 percent of all LIRR retirees went out on disability. ‘While six LIRR retirees are charged in the scheme, untold numbers of others are known to have fraudulently applied for and obtained disability benefits,’ said FBI Special Agent Diego Rodriguez. ‘This seems like an appropriate time to mention that this investigation is ongoing.’”

Everyone who is convicted should have to give up every penny they made through their ill-gotten disability pensions (with interest), lose their regular pensions and serve time in prison.

“A prewinter storm is expected to arrive at about 7 to 8 a.m. tomorrow and should bring a snow-rain mixture by about 1 p.m., according to AccuWeather.” Hey, AccuWeather? There’s a word for “snow-rain mixture.” It’s “sleet.”

“Winds may gust up to 30 mph, and the storm could turn briefly to all snow before it leaves tomorrow night.”

It begins…

Carl Campanile spends most of page 3 blowing the lid off of a story that should’ve been on the cover.

‘SEX’ MACHINES: Cash & Carrie at Aqueduct racino informs us that there are six “snazzy Sex and the City slot-machine games” at the Resorts World New York casino, which opens today at the Aqueduct Racetrack.

Paragraph #10 (of 17): “Throughout the game, video clips from the show pop up on the LCD monitor, keeping players engaged with the characters even if they’re losing money.”

Great reporting, Carl.

There are two Occupy Wall Street-related stories on page 4.

Amber Sutherland, Selim Algar and Todd Venezia’s Occupiers flee to wherever it’s free begins, “As fed-up cops are prepared to slap rowdy ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protesters with civil lawsuits, fed-up Zuccotti Park protesters have found a way to take a slap at Mother Nature. Some of the OWS masses dodged yesterday’s cold and rain by ditching their tents and huddling in a nearby art gallery with free WiFi.”

I’m not sure why this is news (let alone a full third of page 4), but I guess it makes the protesters seem more like societal leeches (which is important for the Post to do).

The piece also includes this: “‘In the event it does get violent, I think that people should be put on notice that NYPD sergeants are not going to be punching bags,’ said Ed Mullins, New York Sergeants Benevolent Association president.” Which leads to the other OWS article…

Hurt a sarge and we’ll take you to court! by Ed Mullins.

I keep waiting to see video footage of protesters abusing policemen. I wonder why I haven’t.

(No, I don’t.)

There is a bit of good news, though: “Scott Olsen, the Iraq War vet whose skull was fractured at a protest in Oakland, is expected to make a full recovery, officials there said.”

Ge0ff Earle’s Candidates blast feds on education: GOPers’ degree of contempt showcases various GOP responses to Obama’s recent plan to help Americans with their student loan debt [SPOILER WARNING: They all think it's a terrible idea].

“[Herman] Cain, speaking by satellite from Arkansas, where he was promoting his new book, said he wants to let market forces work on states that do the worst job at educating young kids.” Worth repeating: “Cain, speaking by satellite from Arkansas, where he was promoting his new book.”

“Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, who said he home-schooled his seven children, called for greater parental involvement, calling it a ‘cancer’ on the system that ‘at a certain age, you sort of drop your kids off and are done with this.’” Worth repeating: “Rick Santorum, who said he home-schooled his seven children.”

“Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann, who home-schooled her five biological children and 23 foster kids, said the federal government should get out of the education business… She claimed that the educational outcomes for American kids were better before the federal government established a Department of Education and started meddling in schools in the late 1970s.” And she should know because (Worth repeating): “[Bachmann] home-schooled her five biological children and 23 foster kids.”

The way Earle ends his piece made me laugh out loud (first for Perry’s decision, then again for the non-sequitur last line): “In other developments on the campaign trail, Texas Gov. Rick Perry, whose poll numbers tanked after a series of subpar debate performances, may pass on future debates, Perry’s team revealed. News Corp. owns The Post.”

John Boehner was on The Laura Ingraham Show recently and said, “There is nothing that has disappointed me more over the last eight weeks than to watch the president [sic] of the United States basically give up on the economy and give up on the American people.”

Boehner is as awful as they come. Case in point, this.

From the link: “Yet the bill is not moving — and nobody, including the people in charge of setting the schedule for House votes, seems to know why. A spokeswoman for House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) directed questions about the issue to the House Speaker’s office. A spokesman for Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) had no comment.” Surprisingly (I write sarcastically), the Post isn’t covering this story.

“Wegmans Food Markets is recalling 5,000 pounds of pine nuts, citing possible salmonella contamination. The Turkish pine nuts were sold in bulk in stores in New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Virginia, and Maryland between July 1 and Oct. 18, says the upscale grocery chain.”

Avoid pesto for a little while.

“Just a day after being released from jail on a domestic-violence rap, Lindsay Lohan’s dad, Michael, was arrested again yesterday after dangling from a balcony at a Tampa hotel — and crashing 30 feet to the ground — while fleeing cops, police said… He was hospitalized with a possible broken foot.”

I bet the people who made the reality series Living Lohan are angry that they didn’t wait another two or three years to do it.

Leonard Greene’s ‘Chimp’ gal: I’m beautiful includes a few quotes from Charla Nash. One is “A lot of people tell me I look beautiful.” Another is “I look OK now, and I don’t have to worry about scaring anyone.”

Now look at the headline again.

Great work, Leonard.

According to Page Six (today on pages 14 and 15), “Justin Bieber’s new Christmas album, Under the Mistletoe [sic] is more ’seductive’ than past recordings because ‘vocally, his balls have dropped,’ explained his no-nonsense manager, Scooter Braun.”

Vocally, if not actually.

Cindy Adams calls Halloween “the only day of the year Michael Moore looks right.” She also says (and please translate this for me if you can), “Today it’s vampire movies. Chain-saw close-ups. Horror movies — even excluding those Madonna makes.”

B’also? “Now films are so scary that Psycho and Nightmare [sic] on Elm Street are considered musicals. It’s witches and wizards and whatshisname Radcliffe shoving broomsticks up Dumbledore.” I think someone sent Cindy the gay porn parody Whorrey Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls (yes, that’s a real thing) and told her it was part of the Harry Potter franchise.

More gibberish: “I went to one costume party where a dowager dressed as a scarecrow. She explained, ‘It goes with dreams my husband had.’ Murmured the husband: ‘Forget the dreams. Just get me their phone numbers.’”

Stop fighting it, Cindy. Please please please just die.

Abby Wise Schachter (author of the Post’s politics blog, “Capitol Punishment”) provides the op-ed Anti-Drilling Hysteria: Spreading fear to halt progress, which includes the Post’s pro-fracking graphic:

“Fracking could open up a world of economic opportunity for NY, if greenies don’t derail it.”

The author should be forced to change her middle name.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Kyle Smith gives one and a half stars to In Time (“could have been made especially to lure the Occupy Wall Street crowd away to the movies long enough to allow the patchouli and organic bean curd to be hosed off their tents”), two stars to The Rum Diary (“in the true spirit of the ’60s, it was pretty much guaranteed to be a disappointment”), one star to Janie Jones (“No one’s life is this boring.”), and one and a half stars to My Reincarnation (“slow documentary”).

Lou Lumenick gives two and a half stars to Anonymous (“The action toggles confusingly back and forth between several time periods.”), one and a half stars to Puss in Boots (“relentlessly mediocre”), one star to The Double (“a dull spy thriller that gives away its big ’secret’ both in its trailer and the film’s title”), and zero stars to All’s Faire in Love (“Matthew Lillard’s face gets urinated on by a goat”).

Sara Stewart gives two and a half stars to Like Crazy (“ethereal indie romance, riveting and frustrating”).

V.A. Musetto gives one and a half stars to 13 (violence) and two stars to Urbanized (disturbing images).

Scott Boras now claims that he was only kidding when he said he wanted the Yankees to renegotiate Robinson Cano’s current contract (which covers 2012 and 2013).

$20 says he tries to renegotiate Cano’s contract after the 2012 season ends.

Linda 3Starsi reviews Discovery’s Gold Rush (formerly Gold Rush Alaska).

She gives it…

…three stars.

Once again, the Post’s color-coded TV listings are printed in black and white.

And that’s Friday.

Have a great weekend!

BREAKING NEWS: I was about to post today’s entry on Facebook when I saw a video Teresa posted. I watched it and, when I was finished cackling, I decided to add it here.

We have a giant bag of junk mail that we were waiting to bring to a shredder. But now we’ll be putting it all to much better use.

“An alert Transportation Security Administration screener at Newark Airport found a ‘bullet’ in a passenger’s luggage — but not the kind that a terrorist might carry. Passenger Jill Filipovic told New York magazine that it was a ‘$15 bullet vibe… about the most basic sex toy you can imagine.’ And, she said, he left her a note on the back of a TSA notice that read, ‘Get your freak on, girl.’”

Actually, he (or she) wrote GET YOUR FREAK ON GIRL according to this photo:

But what infuriates me most about this story is that I trusted the Post when they told me that TSA stands for Transportation Safety Administration. Turns out the S stands for Security.

I regret the error. And the fact that I read the New York Post.

The last sentence is my favorite.

“The city Design Commission yesterday refused to sign off on a $10 million Parks Department pilot project to pave parts of the [Coney Island] boardwalk in cement — a precursor to paving through the entire 2.5-mile walkway except four blocks in the amusement district that would remain wood. After viewing photos showing thousands of cracks in two small sections of the boardwalk recently replaced with cement blocks, commissioners said the cement plan was unattractive.”

“Department officials argued they need a cement pathway to handle emergency vehicles, adding it’s more cost effective and sturdier than wood or plastic planks. But commissioners said there was no evidence to back up these claims.”

S.A. Miller’s It’s do-or-d’Iowa time for Perry notes that “After losing serious ground in the debates and polls, the GOP presidential contender hopes a $175,000 TV ad buy in Iowa, bulked-up campaign staff and hot new flat-tax plan [where everyone pays a flat tax of 20 percent] will reignite his run.”

Surprisingly (I write sarcastically), there is no mention of this:

As for his TV ad, I doubt it will be as hilarious as this one for Herman Cain (wait until Mr. Block stops talking and try not to laugh):

“A Long Island couple dreaming of cashing in on the Occupy Wall Street protests has filed for trademark rights to the movement’s name so they can peddle bumper stickers, T-shirts, beach bags and other gear bearing the OWS logo. Robert and Diane Maresca paid $975 for the application filed with the US Patent and Trademark Office on Oct. 18. Robert said he might even share some of the profits he could make with the protesters — if he can figure out who to give the money to.”

I told a cat about this. This was his response:

They might give some of the money to the protesters?

Someone please file for trademark rights to “Robert and Linda Maresca.” You could sell T-shirts with this picture of Robert on them:

Just erase the chicken-scratch on the piece of paper he’s holding and add I AM A JERK and an arrow pointing at his misshapen head.

From Laura Italiano and Frank Rosario’s DA to offer deal on arrests:

“Manhattan prosecutors are planning to offer a deal to 340 Occupy Wall Street protesters that would dismiss the charges if they stay out of trouble for six months, a lawyer representing some of the demonstrators said yesterday. The deal would apply only to those-issued desk-appearance tickets — but exclude more than 300 others who were charged with a misdemeanor or issued a summons, said the lawyer, Martin Stolar, one of the National Lawyers Guild members volunteering to represent protesters ree [sic] of charge.”

I can only hope that the other 339 protesters are as brave as Lauren Digioia, 26, who was charged with disorderly conduct. Her response? “The police were wrong, their actions were unjust. If I have to go to court to fight this, I will.”

And the whole world will watch.

Andy Soltis’ Sharia-lite for Libya begins, “Libya’s new leader backed off his vow to govern the country according to strict Islamic Sharia law. ‘I want to assure the international community that we, as Libyans, are moderate Muslims,’ Mustapha Abdel Jalil said yesterday.”

You may remember Mr. Jalil from yesterday’s paper, when he was referred to as Mustafa Abdul-Jalil. Anybody think his addendum will prevent Michael Goodwin and/or Andrea Peyser from warning us that Libya is going to turn into a radical nation?

Me neither.

“Afghan President Hamid Karzai sought to distance himself yesterday from remarks he made saying Afghanistan would back Pakistan against the United States if the two ever went to war.”

The editing on this clip is awful, so I’m not entirely sure that Karzai said what everyone claims he said:

On the other hand, Karzai is a scumbag. So let’s just assume he did.

According to Page Six (today on pages 12 and 13), Demi Lovato, 19, has gotten back together with Wilmer Valderrama, 31, and was “making out all night” at Seth MacFarlane’s birthday party.

Remember when Wilmer was dating Lindsay Lohan? Hey! That reminds me! Remember Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s absentee father? Guess what! He got arrested again! For the hilarious reason why, read this article on TMZ.com: “Mike Lohan’s Ex — He Attacked Me ‘Cause I Wouldn’t Perform Oral Sex“

There’s a link in the article to the actual police report, which provides Michael’s version of events (including this gem: “[Kate Major] did not want Michael to ejaculate inside her. Michael Lohan stated he did ejaculate in her and his girlfriend got very angry.”).

Poor Lindsay Lohan.

“A third Pee-wee movie’s coming down. Judd Apatow producing. Who plays Pee-wee, who knows? Maybe Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.”

Is Cindy Adams:

a) kidding?

b) serious?

c) having a stroke?

d) the bane of my existence?

Answer: Get in the box.

Andy Campbell and Amber Sutherland’s Pack it in!: City targets cop’s cheap cigs begins, “A Lower East Side tobacco shop co-owned by an NYPD captain is by illegally peddling smokes for less than $6 a pack, city officials say.”

That’s almost a sentence.

The captain’s name is John Kimball. Here’s a photo of him:

Jennifer Fermino and Helen Freund report that “The MTA — inundated with complaints about overflowing garbage and nibbling rats on subway platforms — is trashing trash cans at several stations, part of an effort to curtail the massive amounts of rodent-luring rubbish left in the system every day.”

Fun Fact: The “several” stations are “the 8th Street Station in the Village and Flushing/Main Street in Queens.”

“To tell straphangers about the new policy — which has been in effect in the two stations for a few weeks — officials said they handed out fliers and hung posters… One guy at Main Street dumped his trash into the corner where the can used to be, oblivious to the fact that he’d just littered.”

Sounds like a success to me! Great work, MTA!

Jennifer and Helen would also like you to know that “Riders leave behind ann [sic] astonishing 40 tons of trash every day underground.”

Well, more trash cans certainly aren’t the answer, right?

Rich Lowry writes, “When President Obama took the podium last Friday to abruptly announce the imminent end of the Iraq War… [he] was the same as the Obama of the Democratic primaries, with his heedlessly irresponsible commitment to a hasty retreat from Iraq. Back then, he was only capable of vaporous posturing.”

Actually, Rich, it was George W. Bush who made the commitment to have our troops out by the end of 2011. Obama actually wanted to amend that commitment to allow some troops to stay but Iraq said no.

The Post pays Rich to write about current events — he isn’t obligated to understand them.

This is kind of funny.

On the left side of page 22, there’s the editorial Grabbing Guns — for Real. It begins, “The mindless murder of a Brooklyn mother [Zurana Horton, 34] on a Brownsville street last Friday should teach a little humility to critics of the NYPD’s stop-and-frisk effort to cleanse the city of illegal guns.”

Fun Fact: We don’t know who killed Horton, or if the gun that shot her is illegal. So it’s weird that the Post would conclude that Horton would still be alive if the police were stopping and frisking more people on a regular basis.

But what makes their assertion funny (to me, anyway) are the letters directly to the right of the editorial — under the heading Biden’s Rape & Murder Cry: He’s Doing Obama’s Bidding.

Manhattan’s Sam King writes, “Biden’s repeated threat that crime rates will rise if we oppose stimulus pay for municipal workers definitely uses fear tactics.” Um… any threat is a fear tactic, Sam. That’s why it’s called a threat.

Cincinnati’s Paul Bloustein writes, “Biden is at it again, claiming that if we don’t support Obama’s jobs plan, we favor increased rates of rape and murder.” I wonder if Paul will write to complain about today’s editorial that claims that if we don’t support more “aggressive street-crime policing,” we favor increased rates of murder.

Bonus Points: Apple Valley, California’s Dan Jeffs writes, “Biden’s campaigning for the president’s jobs bill in front of 4th-graders is an invitation to expose the liberal indoctrination of students from elementary school to college.” Oh, please accept that invitation, Dan. Please expose the liberal indoctrination of our children! You’re our only hope!

Scott Gottlieb (“a physician and American Enterprise Institute resident fellow”) writes the op-ed Slashing Doc Pay: Making US rates more like Europe’s. It begins, “A key government panel voted this month to whack what Medicare pays most doctors to treat patients. It’s an important step on the path to ObamaCare — because the only way to make European-style health entitlements work in America is to pay US doctors lower European wages. This is going to hurt doctors — and hit patients even harder, as American physicians scale down their medical practices to adapt to the lower pay rates.”

Wait… if doctors are paid less, wouldn’t that make them want to expand their practices? B’also? The American Enterprise Institute is not the most reliable of sources.

Crude oil is back up to $91.27/barrel.

Back in the day: TV celebs confess their youthful obsessions lists the childhood passions of various stars. For example, Anthony Bourdain loved Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention (“They played great music and were not above a good poo joke.”) and Brian Williams loved The Monkees (“My favorite was Michael Nesmith”).

Also asked about their youthful obsessions were Victoria Justice (“Pokemon cards!”) and Sarah Hyland (“Sabrina the Teenage Witch“).

Fun Fact: Victoria is 18 years old. Sarah is 20.

Great reporting, Maxine Shen!

And that’s Tuesday.

See you tomorrow!

I think I found an ad for the worst Halloween costume of 2011.

For $20, Target will sell you this costume… but not all of it. I did a little research, and the costume doesn’t include the pants or the rubber ducky. It’s almost like the guy at the costume factory forgot that he was about to give a presentation and hastily threw together a shirt that kind of looks like Ernie’s (but not really) and a mask for your forehead that makes it look like Ernie is vomiting your head.

For the person who wants people to know that he put no time or effort into his costume (and wants to spend $20 to do it).

From Erik Kriss’ Frackers’ exit threat: “Proposed state regulations for hydrofracking upstate could drive natural-gas drillers to other states, the energy industry is warning. ‘Industry is in favor of a high environmental bar, but not in favor of a program fraught with uncertainty, potential delays and unnecessary costs,’ said Thomas West of the state’s Independent Oil and Gas Association.”

From “don’t worry, it’s safe” to “come on, you’re expecting us to be way too safe” in record time.

Fun Fact: The IOGA of NY is paid to represent oil and gas professionals to the citizens and lawmakers of New York.

Harold Camping predicted that the world would end yesterday.

It didn’t.

Just like it didn’t end on May 21st.

And yet, there are still people who believe he is a prophet. Which would be hilarious… except that their votes count as much as the votes of people who aren’t incredibly stupid.

Phil Mitsch is a Republican running for New Jersey state Senate.

On September 2nd, he tweeted something mildly offensive to his 44,000 followers. The Post claims it was “that the way for a woman to keep her man is to be a ‘whore in the bedroom.’” Actually, that wasn’t the really offensive stuff. First, here’s the full version of the aforementioned tweet: “Women, you increase your odds of keeping your men by being faithful, a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom.”

The Post also claims that “Democrats attacked Mitsch for the tweet as well as others that the candidate claims were doctored.” If only there was some record of the tweets that Mitsch claims weren’t his… oh, wait! Look what I found!

If you can’t read them, here are my three favorites:

“Survival Tip – pay, play, now get the f ??? away !!”

“your new survival philosophy toward women should be ‘pay, play, now get the fuck away’ !! Trust me, you will live to be 150. Why? No stress”

“tell your women they can’t talk to you but they can moan. Life is far far less stressful when implementing this sex survival tip !! lol”

I should point out, though, that these weren’t tweets, they were private messages sent to someone on Twitter. For a more in-depth version of the story, click here.

Fun Fact: Phil Mitsch is divorced.

Remember Joseph Brooks? He’s the Oscar-winning songwriter who was charged with raping (or sexually assaulting) 11 women who went to his apartment for what they thought were auditions. Brooks killed himself before the trial began, but his assistant — the woman who placed the ads on Craigslist that lured the women to Brooks’ apartment — was just sentenced.

Shawni Lucier, 44, faced up to 15 years in prison if convicted at trial. But she took a deal and will serve… four months (in order to “let prosecutor [sic] dispose of the case without further traumatizing the women”).

Thankfully, God has already sentenced her to a lifetime of looking like this:

From Antonio Antenucci and Carl Campanile’s Health expert condemns park rats: “Close this pigpen! Filth-ridden Zuccotti Park is a breeding ground for bacterial infection loaded with potential health-code violations that pose a major risk to the public, an expert who inspected the area warned. ‘It’s like Walmart for rats,’ Wayne Yon, an expert on city health regulations, said yesterday.”

Actually, Wayne Yon is a senior regional food safety specialist at EHA Group. Previously, he worked for Pillsbury.

B’also? Isn’t Walmart the Walmart for rats?

But the most Occupy Wall Street coverage goes to AWOL FLA. MOM OFF WALL: Neighbors: She’s a bizarre hippie, which is a follow-up to yesterday’s Fla. mom of 4 bolts for NY protest: SHE PLANS TO STRAY AWHILE, which I ignored (because it was incredibly unfair… just like Bobby Martinez and Liz Sadler’s follow-up).

“The Florida mom who ditched her banker husband and four kids to live in Zuccotti Park squalor is a hippie homemaker whose neighbors are horrified by her latest antics — but are hardlt surprised that she flew the coop. Stacey Hessler, 38 — a self-described ‘vegan freak’ who’s into dreadlocks, roller derby and ‘unschooling’ her kids — acts like a self-obsessed college sophomore who never grew up, said a neighbor in her hometown of DeLand, Fla.”

“‘She believes everything should be free,’ the neighbor added… ‘She’s very bizarre,’ the neighbor insisted.”

Here’s paragraphs #16 and #17 (of 25): “‘She had been following this movement on her own through Facebook and YouTube and whatever, and she decided she wanted to come up to New York. And her family said, ‘Go, mom, go. This is what you want to do,’ said Lauren Napoli, 28, a waitress and home health aide. ‘This is what she believes in, and she feels she needs to be here,’ Napoli said. ‘She’s not being irresponsible.’”

I can understand why those quotes didn’t appear earlier in the piece — it directly contradicts the assertion the Post has made for the last two days (that Hessler “bolted” from her family, “abandoning” them without warning).

This is a terrible newspaper.

“A convicted child molester and kiddie-porn collector filed a jailhouse lawsuit to get his stuff back — and an appeals court has ordered a Long Island judge to wade through a mountain of slimy porn to look for personal memories to return to the jailed pervert. Music and choir teacher Anthony Correnti, 37, was charged with having sex with five underage girls in Manhattan and on Long Island and cops seized more than 10,000 images of his victims and other kiddie porn from him.”

Hey, I have an idea: When you are convicted of collecting child pornography, you lose all of your pornography. Actually, I have a better idea: If you plead guilty to “use of a child in a sexual performance” (which Mr. Correnti did), you get killed slowly and painfully.

Remember Deborah Bradley and Jeremy Irwin? They’re the couple in Kansas City, Missouri, whose 10-month-old daughter (Lisa Irwin) is missing. They hired Joseph Tacopina to represent them (even though they haven’t been accused of anything yet).

“An FBI cadaver dog reacted to the scent of a dead person inside the Kansas City home where a baby girl disappeared nearly three weeks ago, according to a police affidavit released yesterday.”

“The affidavit said the dog taken into the house Monday indicated a ‘positive “hit” for the scent of a deceased human in an area of the floor of Bradley’s bedroom near the bed.’”

When do you suppose Tacopina will step down as their attorney? Or do you think he’ll be able to get them off?

I was wondering how the Post would cover Obama’s announcement that all of our troops will be out of Iraq by year’s end. Geoff Earle gave me my answer on page 9.

“President Obama announced yesterday that the United States would pull the remaining troops out of Iraq by year’s end, setting up another foreign-policy milestone to crow about just a day after the death of Moammar Khadafy in Libya.”

“The president had hoped to keep a small contingent of US forces in Iraq but failed to secure legal protections for soldiers in talks with Iraqi President Nouri al-Maliki — a fact that drew criticism from Republican hawks. So the administration is removing the last troops — currently numbering 39,000 — on a timetable established by President George W. Bush in 2008.”

Let me repeat that last sentence: “So the administration is removing the last troops — currently numbering 39,000 — on a timetable established by President George W. Bush in 2008.”

“Mitt Romney slammed Obama, saying his ‘astonishing failure to secure an orderly transition in Iraq has unnecessarily put at risk the victories that were won through the blood and sacrifice of thousands of American men and women. The unavoidable question is whether this decision is the result of a naked political calculation or simply sheer ineptitiude in negotiations with the Iraqi government.’”

Or maybe Obama is following the timetable that George W. Bush established in 2008.

Bonus Points: The White House’s response to Romney’s comments made me smile. “Mitt Romney’s foreign-policy experience is limited to his work as a finance executive shipping American jobs overseas.”

According to Page Six (today on page 10), Chris Tucker owes the IRS $11.5 million in taxes.

Do you know how much that is, Chris?

Close enough.

“A British ferry crashed into a French fishing boat, killing its skipper, because the ferry’s crew members were chatting about Halle Berry when they should have been monitoring their radar screen… [T]he 56-year-old French captain of the Condor Vitesse ferry and his crew were chatting about Berry’s ’sexy outfit’ in the 2004 movie Catwoman during foggy conditions between St. Helier in Jersey and St. Malo, France, in March.”

“‘She was jumping from everywhere like a cat. She is very beautiful. She was wearing a sexy outfit,’ the captain said of Berry, according to the report’s transcript.”

Just when you thought that Catwoman couldn’t cause any more misery.

Cain refines his 9’s tells us that “Herman Cain yesterday redefined his tax plan to exclude the poorest Americans and to allow some deductions — abandoning the zero-exemption feature of his ‘9-9-9′ proposal that helped win headlines but would have meant a tax increase for 4 out of 5 Americans.”

But wait. He said that his plan wouldn’t raise taxes for anyone and that people who said it would weren’t analyzing his plan properly. So… does that mean that he’s admitting that he wasn’t analyzing his plan properly?

I’ll just assume the answer is yes.

“Mallie’s Sports Bar and Grill is now serving a huge burger that weighs a whopping 338.6 lbs.”

How much does this shockingly unappetizing monstrosity cost?

$2,000.

Which is a good price for wasting hundreds of pounds of food.

“The new iPhone’s voice-activated virtual assistant uses a male voice in Germany because studies have shown that German men have issues with taking orders from females. The proof came in the late 1990s when BMW was forced to recall a female-voiced navigation system on its 5 Series cars after being flooded with calls from German men saying they refused to take directions from a woman.”

They said they preferred taking directions from a yelling anti-Semite.

“Target is recalling some 3,400 frog masks for fear that kids may suffocate — and warning parents to return the masks immediately, the federal Consumer Product Safety Commission announced yesterday. The plush, $1 masks lack proper ventilation, the commission said.”

It’s still a better costume to wear than their Ernie.

“Lindsay Lohan arrived at the Los Angeles County morgue at 5:35 a.m. yesterday, nearly 90 minutes ahead of her scheduled 7 a.m. community-service starting time.”

She literally can’t do anything in moderation.

“The train-wreck actress was also rapped by Assistant Chief Coroner Ed Winter yesterday after she tried to have 36 fancy, pink-frosted cupcakes delivered to morgue staff to apologize for Thursday’s fiasco. ‘When they were delivered, morgue supervisors would not let them into the building,’ her spokesman said. ‘It is unfortunate that Lindsay’s well-intentioned actions were not taken in the spirit in which she intended.’”

“Later, [Lindsay] apologized on Twitter. ‘I’m sorry for the confusion that I may of caused to those at the Coroner’s office. Won’t happen again, now I know where to go! Thank you for your help,’ she wrote.”

Oh. I guess hiring a spokesman might not of been a bad idea for Lindsay.

The editorial Is Mike Waking Up? begins, “Mayor Bloomberg yesterday suggested that he’s finally losing patience with the incipient public-health crisis masquerading as a protest demonstration in and around Zuccotti Park.” Sigh.

“Wall Street business isn’t affected by the ‘occupation.’ It’s small businesses and other job creators that are being hurt.” Did the Post just admit that Wall Street business doesn’t create jobs?

“The Zuccotti Park encampment is long past its sell-by date. Time to shut it down.”

As Shelley Winters and her kids sang in Pete’s Dragon, we’d like to see you try it.

“Eight hundred million users are not enough. Facebook, the world’s biggest social network, is now building profiles of non-users who haven’t even signed up, an international privacy watchdog charges. The claim is made in a complaint filed in August by Ireland’s Data Protection Commissioner. It alleges that users are encouraged to hand over the personal data of other people — including names, phone numbers, e-mail addresses — which Facebook is using to create ‘extensive profiles’ of non-users. Facebook categorically denies the allegation.”

“Lifetime’s Dance Moms has been banned from the popular StarQuest dance show — after StarQuest officials accused the show’s producers of editing an episode to create a false impression of the competition.”

“[StarQuest associate producer Michael Ian] Cedar also says that the producers of [Dance Moms]… told him the show was about young girls in the competitive dance world. In fact, the show really focuses on the girls’ mothers.”

And how could Cedar have known that Dance Moms focused on dance moms?

And that’s Saturday.

See you bright and early tomorrow!